It’s hard to believe, but we recorded the pilot episode of Alba in 2011. That’s three years before we got the rest of the series recorded and released the whole thing to the world. By the time we recorded Episode 6, two of our actors had had a baby, and that baby was already walking and talking.
As with most pilots, this one’s a bit rough around the edges. For one thing, there are more characters than I’d ever try to introduce in an episode now. If it works at all without being too confusing, I suspect it’s because I leaned on a lot of familiar fairy-tale tropes. And there were other issues with the way I directed it, but we’ll get to that.
All in all, though, I’m proud of it, particularly the production work, and our actors did a splendid job. We hope you enjoy it too.
You can listen to the episode here. Or read on for the original recording script, complete with deleted scenes and lines, plus commentary on the writing and production. We’re releasing annotated scripts as a reward for our supporters on Patreon, but this first one’s available to all!
—Eli
Alba Salix, Royal Physician
Season 1, Episode 1: Well Met
SCENE 1—PALACE CHAMBERS, MORNING
PARABEL
Good morning, Millie.
MILLIE
Good morning to you, Your Majesty. Tea?
PARABEL
Yes, please.
MILLIE
Beautiful day out today.
PARABEL
The girls are off to their riding lessons?
MILLIE
Yes… though it took a bit of doing. Willemina is still unhappy they don’t have unicorns.
PARABEL
Well, Mummy and Daddy can’t afford unicorns this year.
For Season One, I had vague ideas that this might be aired on the radio, and so I kept the running time to a precise 28 minutes. The first episode ran far longer, so many things had to be cut—usually but not always for the better.
MILLIE
I tried to explain, but she just started screaming.
PARABEL
She’ll be wanting one with wings next.
MILLIE
(to herself)
Like mother, like daughter…
PARABEL
Where is Gunther, anyway?
MILLIE
His Majesty’s still in bed, I think.
SOUND: Wooden door opens
SOUND: Soft hissing
My first cameo! As three dozen snakes.
GUNTHER
(emerging, sleepy)
No, not in bed. I’m awake.
(yawns)
Or almost awake. I swear, it must be something in that tonic Alba gave me for my…
I spent a while flinging around some old cookie tins in the basement for this cue.
SOUND: Tea service crashes to the floor
MILLIE
(horrified)
Oh, my word! Your Majesty!
PARABEL
Millie… oh, do take better care. Look what you’ve—
(screams)
Gunther!
GUNTHER
What? Parabel, what’s the matter?
PARABEL
Your hair! Gunther!
GUNTHER
What about my hair?
PARABEL
It’s—it’s all snakes! Look in the mirror!
SOUND: Snakelike hissing grows louder and louder
GUNTHER
Oh, for heaven’s sake. Get Alba in here!
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the First: Well Met.
SCENE 2—HOUSE OF HEALING
SOUND: Quiet bubbling, stirring
SOUND: Book page being turned
ALBA
(mumbling)
Grind and add seven leaves dried catnip. Is that per dose, or the whole cauldron?
SOUND: Door opens
JEROME
Alba!
ALBA
Hi Jerome.
JEROME
I wonder if you could help me out.
ALBA
(barely paying attention)
I’m a bit busy this afternoon…
JEROME
Oh, I understand. This won’t take long… I’ve just been having a touch of the old rheumatism again.
ALBA
(sighs)
Mm hmm.
JEROME
I was wondering if there was anything you’d recommend for it.
ALBA
The copper bracelet not working any more?
JEROME
Nope. Tried copper rings and a copper neck brace too, but it’s just not doing the trick. I was wondering, since you’re so good with potions and all, if you could mix up something.
ALBA
I’ve got three prescriptions to fill right now, Jerome.
JEROME
Not to worry, I can wait.
The sound of hooves here is made with a couple of wooden salad bowls knocked together.
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
SOUND: Hooves clop in, then desk bell rings
ALBA
Excuse me a moment.
(to new patient)
Yes, can I help you?
VALTAR
Yes, I needs must see someone about my back.
ALBA
You’re in luck… our visiting chiropractor, Balthig the Ogre is in today. Have you seen him before?
And here’s Julian, in a rare cameo as someone other than Magnus.
VALTAR
No, I have not.
SOUND: Clipboard
ALBA
All right. You’ll need to fill out this patient information form.
VALTAR
(moving off)
Certainly.
SOUND: Hooves clop
JEROME
Boy, a centaur. Don’t get many of them around, eh?
ALBA
(distracted)
No, we don’t.
JEROME
Tall fella, he is.
ALBA
He certainly is.
JEROME
So, you coming to the Palace tonight?
ALBA
The Palace?
JEROME
To see the show. The Dragon Mountain Monks are in town to form astonishing feats of acrobatics and martial arts!
ALBA
Nah, not interested. I really don’t need to see a bunch of bald weirdos jumping around and chopping firewood with their hands.
JEROME
But Alba! They’re doing the Great Sword Dance. The Monks only perform it publicly every eight years.
ALBA
Yes. Very exciting. Seen it.
SOUND: Hooves approach
VALTAR
(wandering up)
Hold on, what’s this about a consultation fee?
ALBA
I’m afraid chiropractic isn’t covered for centaurs.
VALTAR
How is that fair?
ALBA
You’ve got twice the vertebrae and two ribcages.
VALTAR
It’s discrimination!
ALBA
I don’t set the prices. Take it up with Balthig. He’s right through there.
VALTAR
(wandering away again)
I believe I will.
SOUND: Hooves recede, interior door opens and shuts
ALBA
Where was I… one pennyweight of powdered parchment leaf. Bring to a boil…
SOUND: Stirring
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
Alba was pretty strait-laced to begin with, but she started to come to life when I gave her some pranks to pull on her clients.
KID
(running in)
Albaaa! I have the hic hiccups!
ALBA
Do you really.
KID
They’re terrible awful. How do I hic make them stop?
ALBA
That’s easy. Just stand on one foot… no, the left one. That’s it. Now, give me your hand, and put out your pinky finger…
KID
Like hic that?
ALBA
Just like that. Good. Now, hand me that big pair of shears.
KID
These she—hic—shears here?
SOUND: Slight clatter of shears, and the soft noise of the blades opening
ALBA
Hold still now… keep that finger out nice and straight…
KID
No, wait wait wait!
ALBA
What is it?
KID
They’re gone! The hiccups! They’re all gone!
ALBA
Are they? Well, that’s a relief. I guess you get to keep your finger then.
KID
Whew!
ALBA
But if you ever have bad hiccups again, you just come and talk to me. Okay?
KID
O—hic—okay.
ALBA
You sure they’re gone?
KID
Totally gone! Um, th-thanks Alba!
ALBA
Don’t mention it.
The sound of Valtar the centaur getting a chiropractic treatment was created by banging a couple of horse-vertebra-sized rocks together. Actual centaur bones are surrounded by more centaur, which tends to dampen vibrations and dull the sound, which I simulated by wrapping the rocks in cloth. I strung together about five impacts to make a fairly convincing crunch.
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
SOUND: Distant crunch
VALTAR
(from the other room)
Aaaaa!
BALTHIG
(from the other room)
Now other side, please.
JEROME
That was sure lucky, wasn’t it?
ALBA
Are you still here?
JEROME
If those hiccups hadn’t stopped, he would have been down a finger.
ALBA
Yes, he would.
SOUND: Another crunch
VALTAR
Aaaa!
JEROME
Supposed to rain again tomorrow, I heard. And the day after that. I dunno how they tell. D’you know how they tell? Being a witch and all?
ALBA
Jerome. I’m supposed to cure the ills of an entire kingdom here, and you are wasting my time. All you people are wasting my time.
JEROME
Oh. Well… so, about my rheumatism…
ALBA
Yes. Yes, you’re right. Sorry. Here. Take this. Drink a mouthful with every meal. Don’t bug me any more.
JEROME
Oh! Well, thank you kindly then. And this will work?
ALBA
Absolutely. Guaranteed to get rid of constant ongoing pains.
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
HERALD
(entering)
Miss Alba Salix.
ALBA
(ready to snap)
Yes.
HERALD
His Majesty the King requests your presence at the Palace.
At this point in the post-production, I was stumped. I’d written Alba brewing potions at the reception desk, for a start. Here, I wanted a little something to indicate that she was packing up to leave, so would she extinguish the fire? In fact, what was heating the cauldron? I went with the sound of a gas stove being shut off. Maybe it’s some kind of magical Bunsen burner.
ALBA
Oh?
HERALD
’Tis a matter of some secrecy, he says, and most urgent.
ALBA
Now what?
(sighs, then, leaving)
Tell him I’m on my way.
JEROME
Bye, Alba. Thank you!
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
SOUND: Crunch
VALTAR
Aaaaaa!
SOUND: Interior door opens
SOUND: Hooves, unsteady
BALTHIG
All done.
VALTAR
(winded)
Yes, thank you, that’s much better.
BALTHIG
You pay now.
VALTAR
Yes, yes of course… Very, uh, very reasonable rates indeed.
SOUND: Largish bag of coins handed over
BALTHIG
Remember stretching. Take care bye bye.
SCENE 3—PALACE
HERALD
Miss Alba Salix to see you, Majesty.
GUNTHER
Show her in. Hello, Alba.
SOUND: Door closes
ALBA
Hi Gunther… did you try out that hair tonic I gave you?
GUNTHER
Yes, about that.
ALBA
What’s the towel for?
(proudly)
Washing your new head of hair, were you?
GUNTHER
Look.
SOUND: Hissing and slithering
GUNTHER (CONT’D)
Notice anything different?
ALBA
Oh, um… well, yes, you have a lovely full head of, um…
GUNTHER
Snakes.
ALBA
That’s the word I was looking for. How did this happen?
GUNTHER
Clearly a result of your little tonic.
ALBA
Clearly not! There’s no way it could have caused anything like this…
(to herself)
Unless there was medusa weed in the mixture and I certainly didn’t have any of that…
(to GUNTHER)
Can I have that bottle back?
GUNTHER
By all means.
GUNTHER
Alba, what am I supposed to do now?
I’m still quite pleased with “Gorgon chic”.
ALBA
Well, the… uh, serpentine look is very in this year. Gorgon chic, they’re calling it.
GUNTHER
I will not live with snakes on my head. What if one of them bites me?
ALBA
Oh, they’re only garter snakes. They’re quite harmless.
GUNTHER
Parabel won’t come near me. I can’t go out in public like this!
ALBA
(sighs)
Well, let me see about… detaching them.
GUNTHER
I was looking forward to the Dragon Mountain Monks show this evening, too. The Great Sword Dance! And now I can’t even be seen in public.
ALBA
Well, you’ll be seen, I imagine…
GUNTHER
Along with my unexpected collection of snakes.
ALBA
Yes. Sorry, Your Majesty. I’ll see what I can do.
GUNTHER
And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
ALBA
I’d keep the towel on. Snakes like the warmth.
SCENE 4—PALACE GROUNDS
And here we have the troublesome Monks. If you first downloaded this episode before 2017, you’ll remember what I mean…
I’ve blended a bunch of cultures in my worldbuilding, and when I made Magnus a wannabe martial artist, I was thinking of the Frantics’ classic sketch “Ti Kwan Leep”, and a bit of the inexplicable Scottish monks in the Doctor Who episode “Tooth and Claw”. Being half-Scottish and half-Japanese myself, I’d originally intended to play Laing, and chose his name to be ambiguous—it could as easily be Scottish as Chinese.
On the day of recording, however, we realized that I was spreading myself too thin, and got John to double up. And then, worried that his voice would be too recognizable so soon after hearing Jerome, I asked him to do an accent. “You really want me to do the Asian Cookie Monster voice?” he asked, slightly nervous. “Yeah, it’ll be funny.” “Ooookay then…”
I really should have listened. It bugged us long, long after the episode dropped. Finally, some years after the show premiered, we spent a bit of money to get John back in the studio and re-recorded his lines in his own accent—to everyone’s relief. We also took the time to restore a few lines that got cut for time in the original.
Yup, “exotic”. DANGER WOOP WOOP DANGER
MUSIC: Exotic lute and cymbals, distant
SOUND: Rhythmically rustling robes, dozens of bare feet stamping
MONKS
(in the distance, synchronized)
Hyaaaaa—foo! Hai!
LAING
Good work, brothers. Let us take fifteen before we rehearse the second half.
MONK
Yes, Father.
Enter Magnus. We had a Magnus before Magnuses were cool. Nyaah.
MAGNUS
Father Laing! Can I show you my moves now?
LAING
Not now, Brother Magnus.
MAGNUS
But you promised to let me show you. I’ve been working hard!
LAING
Magnus…
MAGNUS
Please. I want to be a warrior-monk.
LAING
I’ve told you before, you are young still, and have not the proper energy and attitude to pursue the art of combat.
MAGNUS
But I wanna learn to kick through walls and kill people with just my eyelids. Why the hell else would I join your stupid order?
SOUND: Smack
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Ow! I mean why the heck.
LAING
You only prove my point.
MAGNUS
Okay, sorry, I renounce all worldly things and I promise to use my powers for good and I don’t have an ego and stuff. Can I be a warrior monk now?
LAING
Magnus, your skills lie in other areas. You have it in you to be an excellent healer.
MAGNUS
Stupid healing. Can’t you teach me, like, one secret pressure point? Like that one that makes your ribcage explode?
SOUND: Big door creaks, distant, and booted footsteps
LAING
Hush, boy.
(calling)
Miss Salix? Excuse me, are you Miss Alba Salix?
ALBA
(approaching)
That’s me.
LAING
A pleasure. I am Father Laing of the Order of Dragon Mountain.
ALBA
Nice to meet you. Look, is this going to take long? I’ve got an important matter to attend to on behalf of His Majesty—
LAING
I understand you are the head of the new House of Healing, and as such I wonder if you might have a place for a young man who shows great potential as a surgeon.
ALBA
A surgeon?
LAING
Yes. Permit me to introduce Brother Magnus.
MAGNUS
Are you a witch?
LAING
Magnus, this is Miss Alba Salix, the Royal Physician.
Magnus wasn’t originally so sexist, but I needed him to be annoying enough that Alba might plausibly (spoilers!) want to kill him later. My headcanon is that living among monks gave him some weird ideas about women.
MAGNUS
A woman physician? You gotta be kidding.
ALBA
An apprentice? This kid?
MAGNUS
I’m not a kid. I’m seventeen. And I know martial arts.
ALBA
I can’t say he sounds of much use to anyone, let alone me.
LAING
He does have some skill, and he’s… got great potential.
ALBA
I don’t need any assistance.
MAGNUS
You heard the witch.
ALBA
I certainly don’t need him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some herbs to gather.
SCENE 5—PALACE
SOUND: muffled hissing throughout
PARABEL
Gunther?
GUNTHER
Yes, Parabel.
PARABEL
Did Alba get rid of the snakes?
GUNTHER
No, dear. She’s working on it. Though I may as well give in and get Krankel in here to have a look.
PARABEL
You said you weren’t going to ask him.
GUNTHER
Well, what choice do I have?
PARABEL
Well… maybe I can help?
GUNTHER
(skeptical)
What do you propose to do, dear?
PARABEL
Well, you know how I have mystical powers too…
GUNTHER
Yes…
PARABEL
I am Alba’s sister, remember.
Third daughter. What the heck, Last-Minute Me??
PARABEL
The third sister…
GUNTHER
…of a third sister.
PARABEL
Uh huh!
GUNTHER
Do you know any snake-removal spells?
PARABEL
Well, not spells… I haven’t studied the way Alba has, of course, but if I concentrate, and picture you in my mind without the snakes…
GUNTHER
Yes?
PARABEL
(nervously)
And then, um… if I kiss you…
GUNTHER
You’ll have to come a bit closer for that, dear.
PARABEL
Uh huh!
(braces herself, then kisses him)
…Anything?
GUNTHER
Not yet.
PARABEL
(disappointed)
Kissing always works.
A hint of their backstory here… but it just seemed kind of confusing.
GUNTHER
It was worth a try.
PARABEL
I mean, we wouldn’t be standing here, either of us, if it weren’t for me kissing you…
GUNTHER
Perhaps if you were to kiss each snake individually?
PARABEL
(squeamish)
Nnnghh…
GUNTHER
Go ahead.
SOUND: Towel unwrapped, louder hissing
PARABEL
All right, here we go. Nghh…!
(tries mightily… then gives in)
Okay, you’d better summon Krankel.
SCENE 6—MEADOW
In an old, old draft of this episode, Holly arrived at the House of Healing inside a crate of herbs, having fallen asleep while packing it. But flitting about a meadow seemed more her speed.
SOUND: Birdsongs and other forest noises. Humming wings, like a dragonfly’s, zoom all about, and so does the voice of…
HOLLY
(singing)
Good morning, meadow, good day! You’re the loveliest meadow of all, I dare say…
(fading into the distance)
Hello, Mister Hedgehog! Hello, Bumblebees! Hello, daisies and blackbirds and sycamore trees…
SOUND: Footsteps through underbrush
ALBA
(approaching, from the other direction)
Snakeweed. Why can’t I find any snakeweed?
HOLLY
(approaching at top speed, still singing)
Swallowtail butterflies, grasshoppers too…
SOUND: Holly zooms in; thump of impact and crashing of bushes, clattering of bottles
ALBA
Augh!
HOLLY
Ooof!
(picking herself up)
Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there. Hello, strange witch I’ve never met before!
ALBA
(winded)
Why don’t you watch where you’re flying?!
HOLLY
Here, let me help you with your basket… My name’s Holly, by the way.
ALBA
Bloody fairies!
HOLLY
I said I was sorry. Yeesh!
ALBA
Look, I can manage my basket just fine.
HOLLY
Oh, choke cherries. Are you making a liver tonic?
ALBA
No.
HOLLY
A poultice?
ALBA
No.
HOLLY
A charm against thieves?
ALBA
No, it’s for removing snakes from someone’s—who the hell are you, anyway?
HOLLY
Snakes? Ohh! Choke cherry doesn’t remove snakes, that’s just an old wives’ tale. Sorry! Didn’t mean it like that—being that you are, you know… um…
ALBA
An old wife?
HOLLY
I didn’t mean it like that…
ALBA
I’m neither, thank you very much. Now excuse me.
Holly’s wings are so expressive that there was no way a purchased effect would do the trick. To get the right sound I tried fluttering paper, cardboard, plastic bags, and all sorts of cloth. In the end, it’s the sound of a synthetic-cotton blend shirt being frantically flapped about, then sped up by about a third.
SOUND: Footsteps, followed a few seconds later by humming wings
HOLLY
You know what’s better for removing snakes, is silverbark.
ALBA
Did I ask?
HOLLY
(miffed)
It seemed like the best way to help you out. You know, to make amends for bumping into you and calling you an old wife—
ALBA
That’s very kind. I don’t need your help.
HOLLY
(flying away)
Fine!
(catches herself, and returns)
But really, you should try the silverbark. There’s a stand of it right over there.
ALBA
All the books I’ve ever read say choke cherry.
HOLLY
Who are you going to believe? A bunch of books, or an expert herbalist?
ALBA
Expert? You? You can’t even fly straight.
HOLLY
Well, that’s probably just the rainbow-cap angel mushrooms I was trying earlier. Seems like they mess with my sense of direction. I should make a note of that…
ALBA
Uh huh.
HOLLY
It’s my big research project, see. I’ve been working my way through the native fungi of Farlora, to find out their effects on fairy physiology.
ALBA
And suddenly all is explained.
HOLLY
Can’t I at least carry your basket or something?
ALBA
No thank you.
SOUND: Wings
HOLLY
Please? I need to do you a good deed to set things right. It’s what we fairies do. Here, let me. Let me!
ALBA
No! Let go, you. Don’t make me smack you!
HOLLY
It’s really nothing! I can always—
SOUND: Crack of wicker, crashing and clinking
HOLLY (CONT’D)
Oops.
(flying away)
Sorry sorry sorry!
SOUND: Wings receding, followed by a thrown bottle, which smashes
ALBA
Bloody fairies!
SCENE 7—PALACE
HERALD
The Sorceror General and his executive assistant to see you, Majesty.
GUNTHER
Ah, Krankel.
KRANKEL
Your Majesty.
Jade? Who?
JADE
Your Majesty.
GUNTHER
Do you know anything about snakes? Removing them, I mean?
KRANKEL
Are they getting into the palace gardens again?
GUNTHER
No. They’re on my head.
SOUND: Towel, hissing snakes
Yes, Krankel originally had his own sarcastic intern, mostly so he could have someone to explain his plans to. But we already had too many characters, and the episode was running long, so out she went—after we had recorded it.
JADE
Wow.
KRANKEL
Oh dear. And how did this come about? Let me guess—was it perhaps that “physician” of yours?
GUNTHER
It was supposed to be a hair tonic…
KRANKEL
Oh dear me. How terrible.
GUNTHER
Is there anything you can do?
KRANKEL
Mmm. It’s a tricky business, this. Do you have any more of the tonic, so-called?
GUNTHER
Alba took the rest of the bottle.
KRANKEL
Hmm. Without being able to perform an analysis on this preparation, I will require more time to formulate a suitable remedy. Jade, please record the number of snakes and their identifying markings.
JADE
Sir.
GUNTHER
I hope you’re enjoying yourself, Krankel.
KRANKEL
Not at all, Majesty. But I did warn you, if I recall.
I think it’s funnier with Krankel poking at the King’s snakes.
GUNTHER
Yes, yes. Stop poking at my snakes.
JADE
Sorry.
KRANKEL
With respect, Majesty, it is a consequence of allowing, if I may be so bold, a self-taught hedge witch to minister to the health of yourself and the kingdom at large…
GUNTHER
Thank you, Mister Krankel.
KRANKEL
Doctor Kra—
GUNTHER
Doctor Krankel. Just look for a remedy, please.
KRANKEL
(leaving)
Of course, Majesty.
CROSSFADE TO:
SCENE 8—PALACE CORRIDOR, CONTINUOUS
SOUND: Door shuts
KRANKEL
I think that went rather well.
Thankfully, Jade was played by Marisa, who also plays Parabel, so it’s not like we tossed out an actor’s entire contribution. Marisa stepped up to play Jade when the original actor wasn’t available—and was cool with the cut, bless her.
JADE
You do? Do you have any idea what the remedy is?
SOUND: Small vial of liquid, shaken
KRANKEL
Already prepared. A simple preparation of wormwood and operatic acid.
JADE
You already have it made? Why didn’t you give it to the King?
KRANKEL
Do keep your voice down. My dear young Jade. Magic is an art, healing magic even more so, and the subtle nuances—
JADE
(tired of this speech)
Nuances, details, blah blah. Why?
KRANKEL
In curing a patient, especially a king, it is often wisest not to solve their problem too quickly.
JADE
Wait… This is about Alba Salix, isn’t it? You’re still mad about the new House of Healing.
KRANKEL
Nonsense.
JADE
The Alchemy Bureau used to look after the sick until the Royal Physician took over and you’re trying to show her up.
KRANKEL
Jade, I really don’t know where you get these ideas.
JADE
You put something in the tonic of hers, didn’t you?
So it was all a plot! I’d totally forgotten about this detail by the time we got to later episodes.
KRANKEL
Absolutely not.
(then, smugly)
I performed a small but rather clever enchantment on his crown. And now, let us return to the office and relax for an hour or two, before saving the day at the last possible moment.
SCENE 9—HOUSE OF HEALING
SOUND: Bubbling and fizzing, spoon stirring metal pot
ALBA
…Two parts tincture of rosehip to three parts dragon scale oil. Reduce heat and add three leaves of cow parsnip… drat.
SOUND: Spoon set down
SOUND: Door creaks open
ALBA (CONT’D)
You!
HOLLY
I have wronged you, Miss Alba Salix, and now I must—
ALBA
What are you doing in my pantry?
HOLLY
I must do three good deeds for you to set things right. Look! I brought you a new basket.
ALBA
How did you get in?
HOLLY
Um… through the window.
ALBA
Oh gods…
HOLLY
Yeah, sorry about that, by the way. I already swept up though, and I can put up a bit of wood or something.
ALBA
You broke my window!
HOLLY
I know! I’m sorry! I’ll fix it. Okay, so that’s four good deeds. But look, I’ve been sorting your pantry. Look!
Ivar is an Ikea shelving system. I haven’t done much with Farlorian gods lately—but we’ve got some troll ones in The Axe & Crown.
ALBA
You’ve been… Oh, great Ivar, what have you done? I had everything filed away…
HOLLY
It was a crazy jumble! I don’t know how you could ever find anything.
ALBA
There’s a system! I had a system. And now I’ve got about two minutes to come up with a potion for the King!
(sighs)
Cow parsnip… cow parsnip… look at this! They’re not even in alphabetical order.
Almost all the plants named are real, even the more fanciful-sounding ones. Silverbark is the only exception that I can recall. Only on future episodes did I think to start inventing funnier-sounding plants.
HOLLY
No, see! Alphabetical doesn’t make sense. I mean, if you’re looking for cow parsnip, is that under C for cow or P for parsnip or H for Heracleum? (hare-a-CLEE-um)
ALBA
You tell me.
HOLLY
Look, I’ve organized them all by their Glade-Miles Herbal Catalogue Number.
ALBA
Oh gods help me.
HOLLY
This is the eight hundreds, which is everything with a hollow stem… here’s your hemlock, fennel, parsley and look… cow parsnip! You want the greens or the flowers?
ALBA
Give me that!
HOLLY
You’re welcome!
ALBA
And put my shelves back the way they were.
HOLLY
But I have to do a good deed so that we can—
ALBA
Here’s your good deed. Put everything back, and then get out of my pantry.
HOLLY
Geez, okay, okay.
Ah, subtle foreshadowing.
ALBA
If there’s one thing I don’t need, it’s more “help”.
SOUND: Door opens
GUNTHER
(entering)
Alba, for heaven’s sake, I’ve got half an hour before I have to be back at the palace for the Monks’ show!
ALBA
There you are, Gunther! I was just, ah, finishing up the mixture… here. Drink this.
GUNTHER
This will cure my snakes?
ALBA
Absolutely.
ALBA
Here, get that towel off.
SOUND: Towel removed, hissing of snakes
GUNTHER
Thank heavens.
(drinks)
Ugh. How long will it take?
ALBA
It should be instantaneous.
SOUND: Continued hissing
GUNTHER
Is there a particular instant you had in mind?
ALBA
Just give it a minute.
GUNTHER
I don’t feel anything.
HOLLY
(entering)
Hey, Alba, what should I do with this pumpkin extract? Oh hey! You look kind of like the King except with snakes on your head!
GUNTHER
I am the King!
This little exchange was restored when we re-released the episode. Do fairies not concern themselves with the affairs of humans? Or was Holly simply trying out too many new fungi around coronation time? The answer is yes.
HOLLY
Oh! Well! In that case, hail good King, uh…
ALBA
Gunther.
HOLLY
King Gunther. I like the snakes!
GUNTHER
I don’t!
ALBA
(mutters)
Damn, they’re not shifting…
HOLLY
(quietly)
I told you, silverbark…
ALBA
Well, I don’t have any!
HOLLY
Not to worry. I brought some from the meadow.
SOUND: Rustling leaves, then chopping and clinking
HOLLY (CONT’D)
Look—just grind it up finely, squeeze out the juice into one cup pear cider vinegar…
GUNTHER
Who is this person?
ALBA
Her name’s Holly. She’s… she’s helping out.
GUNTHER
You trust her?
ALBA
She’s an expert herbalist.
(mutters)
So she claims.
SOUND: Stirring, fizzing
HOLLY
You can always trust a fairy. A dash of nutmeg… and here you go.
GUNTHER
And it’ll work this time?
HOLLY
(improvising)
Oh, the one Alba did was just the first course. You need both for it to work.
GUNTHER
(drinking)
Mm, actually not too bad. Oh my word! It’s working.
SOUND: Hissing and slithering, receding
HOLLY
Here, bend down quick.
ALBA
No, no, use the basket! Take them outside.
HOLLY
See? It’s the oils in the silverbark. They help the snakes’ tails grow out and detach from your head.
GUNTHER
Dear me. I’ve never been so glad to be bald.
HOLLY
Bye, little snakes!
ALBA
Great. They’re all going under the furniture…
GUNTHER
That’s the last of them. Thank heavens. I must get back to the Palace. Thank you—Holly, was it?
HOLLY
Any time, your Majesty!
GUNTHER
Alba, I do hope you’re keeping her on.
Fooooreshadowing…
ALBA
(under her breath)
No. I’m holding out for someone even more annoying.
SOUND: Door closes
ALBA (CONT’D)
Rrrr!
HOLLY
What did I tell you?
ALBA
It was the choke cherry. A delayed reaction.
HOLLY
Nuh uh! Was that a good deed or what?
ALBA
And now I have three dozen snakes living in my office.
HOLLY
Oh. Right. I can help with that. Hey… if they sprang from the King’s head, does that make them all princes and princesses?
ALBA
I don’t care. Chuck ’em out.
HOLLY
(to a snake)
Hi cutie. I’m gonna call you Princess Coily… and you, you look like a Tyrone…
ALBA
Holly. The basket.
HOLLY
Yes Ma’am!
SCENE 10—PALACE GROUNDS—STAGE TENT
I should have put drums or bagpipes in the music, too. Perhaps someday we’ll do a special edition…
WALLA: Excited anticipation, applause
MUSIC: Monkish accompaniment, dramatic
HERALD
Your Royal Majesties! Ladies and Gentlemen. We proudly present, from the far Western Reaches, the warrior monks of the Order of Dragon Mountain!
SOUND: Pounding footfalls
MONKS
(kiai/battle yells)
Yah! Hah! Oooo… hah!
(continues under)
GUNTHER
Impressive, aren’t they?
PARABEL
Mmm, I like that one.
GUNTHER
Parabel!
PARABEL
You had your belly dancers last week. Let me have my fun.
GUNTHER
You insisted they wear robes. Look, what do you call that?
They are a bit horrible, aren’t they? But George and Marisa are so loveable that I seem to forgive their characters.
PARABEL
It’s traditional garb.
GUNTHER
It looks drafty.
PARABEL
That’s rich, coming from Mister “Ooo, the Sultan of Svingaliland Has a Harem, Why Can’t I?”
GUNTHER
I didn’t say that.
PARABEL
Oh yes you did.
GUNTHER
Well, I didn’t say it like that.
KRANKEL
Your Majesties.
PARABEL
Krankel!
GUNTHER
What are you doing here?
An unfortunate side effect of Jade’s disappearance from the show was that this plot never had a chance to fly before it trailed off into nothing.
KRANKEL
I have been seeking Your Majesty high and low. I have found a remedy for the snakes that have been plaguing your royal scalp… er… your snakes—what’s happened to them?
GUNTHER
Alba took care of them.
KRANKEL
Did she?
GUNTHER
Well, she and her fairy.
KRANKEL
Which fairy would this be?
GUNTHER
The one who’s been assisting her.
PARABEL
If you please, Mister Krankel…
KRANKEL
Doctor Krankel.
PARABEL
…the show is about to start and you’re being most distracting.
GUNTHER
Indeed.
KRANKEL
Yes, my apologies, Majesties. A good evening to you both.
(leaving, to himself)
A fairy, eh? Hm.
MONKS
(finale)
Wooaaah… HAH!
LAING
Your Majesties. We humbly offer you: the Golden Sunflower Head Slice Technique, demonstrated by Brother Coe and Brother Fang.
WALLA: Applause.
SOUND: Clashing swords
MONKS
Heee-yah! Hah! Rah!
PARABEL
Ooh, that looks dangerous.
GUNTHER
Nonsense… all those swords are blunted so no one gets hurt.
MONKS
Hyah!
SOUND: Swish, chop and a clattering of lumber
WALLA: Gasps and applause
GUNTHER
On the other hand… perhaps they’re razor sharp and capable of slicing through a six inch plank with one stroke.
MONKS
Hyah!
I didn’t access to a big wooden stage on which to run around barefoot, so this is the sound of me thumping my fist against a guitar case.
SOUND: Running footsteps, frantically whooshing sword blade
MAGNUS
(approaching)
Haaaaaaaaa! Hah! Yah, Hai!
(continues under)
WALLA: Laughter and excited chatter
PARABEL
Who on earth is that?
GUNTHER
That boy’s going to take someone’s head off.
LAING
(furtively, to Magnus)
Brother Magnus, what are you doing?
(aloud)
Your Majesties, I apologize! This is not part of the…
(to Magnus)
Get off the stage!
SOUND: Sword swinging
MAGNUS
Yaaah! Look, Father Laing! The Spiral pose! Torch bearer pose! Harvesting the grain! Tiger claw!
LAING
Magnus! Not around the tent poles.
MAGNUS
Hurricane blade! Cannon kick! Hah!
PARABEL
Shouldn’t we call the guards in?
GUNTHER
And let this idiot chop them to pieces? The monks should be able to handle it. He’s one of theirs, after all… and not a very good one.
MAGNUS
Yeah, bitches! C’mon, I’ll take ya both on! Hoo! Hyah!
LAING
Magnus! Come away from that pole!
SOUND: Crack of wood
MAGNUS
(falling)
Whoa, woah, whoa!
SOUND: Crash and thump
WALLA: Gasps and groans, a few laughs and cheers, then screams of panic
LAING
Magnus!
PARABEL
Oh dear!
GUNTHER
Idiot’s gone and gutted himself.
MONK
Way to go, Magnus!
PARABEL
Oh dear, there’s blood everywhere…
I loved having Magnus reflexively sanitizing his own swears. Soon, I too started regularly saying “dangit”.
MAGNUS
(weakly)
Ow! Dammit! I mean… cursèd… I mean… doggone drat in a hat…
SOUND: Wooden beams creak and then cave in
WALLA: Gasps
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Augh!
GUNTHER
The fool’s gone and destroyed the stage!
MONK
(running over)
Brothers! Father Laing! Are you all right?
LAING
Perfectly well, thank you.
MONK
When the tent came down, I thought…
LAING
Find the right place to stand, and the violence and troubles of the world shall pass you by.
MONK
Of course, Father.
MAGNUS
(muffled)
I’m fine too!
LAING
Your Majesties, Ladies and Gentlemen, there will be, um, a short break in the performance.
SCENE 11—HOUSE OF HEALING
HOLLY
I’m telling you, it makes perfect sense! It’s all in the book.
ALBA
It would help if either of us had this book.
HOLLY
What’s next?
Or echinacea, if you prefer.
ALBA
(wearily)
Purple coneflower?
HOLLY
That’s in the nine hundreds. No, wait… rats, it should be right here between sunflower and ragweed…
ALBA
Never mind. I’ll just get some from the garden.
HOLLY
I know it’s here somewhere…
ALBA
Thank you for your help.
HOLLY
I can sweep the rooms too. Organize your office?
ALBA
(firmly)
No.
HOLLY
But I haven’t made amends properly yet.
ALBA
We’ll call it even.
HOLLY
No, no, that’s not how it works! Upon my honour as a good fairy, I have solemnly…
SOUND: Door opens
LAING
(entering)
Set him down there. Miss Salix!
ALBA
Yes? What’s happened?
LAING
A boy has been injured.
ALBA
Oh, dear. One of yours?
MAGNUS
(weakly)
Hey, Doc.
ALBA
Ah, it’s you.
LAING
He ran out during the performance, fell on his sword and brought the stage tent down on himself.
ALBA
Least he could have done is finish the job.
(sighs, then calls)
Holly!
HOLLY
(entering)
What can I do?
ALBA
I need fresh bloodwort. Lots of it.
HOLLY
(running off)
Coming up!
LAING
Miss Salix, I would entrust young Magnus to your care.
ALBA
What for? I’ll bandage him up and you can be on your merry way tomorrow.
LAING
He is badly hurt, and we are, um, leaving town early.
ALBA
King didn’t appreciate the impromptu renovations, huh?
I hadn’t listened to any Decoder Ring Theatre when I wrote this line, but it’s a catchphrase uttered by several of their characters (usually phrased, “That’s tough, but fair”). I’m happy that it serves as a sort of unintentional shout-out, though, and there’s a deliberate one in Episode The Fifth.
LAING
He was tough but fair.
HOLLY
(hurrying in)
Here’s the bloodwort.
(gasps)
Oh, geez, the poor kid!
MAGNUS
’M seventeen…
HOLLY
What happened to him?
ALBA
Nothing he didn’t deserve.
HOLLY
Ick. We gotta clean up that gash and close it up.
MAGNUS
They let women and fairies work as physicians here? What kind of a place is this?
HOLLY
Hey!
ALBA
Magnus? Hold still, this might hurt a bit.
SOUND: Swat
MAGNUS
Ow! You’re supposed to be healing me!
ALBA
I know. Women, eh? Can’t trust ’em.
HOLLY
Oh juniper that’s a lot of blood.
MAGNUS
Eee, ee, ow… dammit to… golly gee darnit that stings.
HOLLY
Sorry, I gotta staunch the wound.
LAING
As well, I was hoping that you might give more thought to taking on young Magnus as an apprentice.
ALBA
Are you serious? Look at the damage he’s done in one night.
LAING
(lowering his voice)
I think of it this way… he is young, and hot-tempered, and has great interest in seeking the powers of dark magic. Something that I understand you yourself have experience in.
ALBA
(hushed)
Who told you that?
LAING
Magnus needs a guiding hand such as yours to set him on the right course.
ALBA
You want me to teach him dark magic?
LAING
No. I mean that you have made the journey into the darkest places of the soul and come back to the light. You have overcome your sins against others and found a way to help heal your family and your people.
ALBA
Not interested. I’ll fix the kid up, sure, but his karma is your problem.
LAING
Miss Salix. I hope you’ll reconsider.
HOLLY
Alba, you’re gonna have to bandage this one up, I’m feeling all woozy.
ALBA
Great.
The instruments are me rummaging in an actual toolkit.
SOUND: Drawer opened, rattle of instruments
MAGNUS
Don’t you have Threadstrong brand sutures?
ALBA
Stitch in Time are far better.
MAGNUS
Not on a wound this deep.
ALBA
Yes. These are the D series sutures. They’re double-enchanted to prevent infection and promote healing.
MAGNUS
I’m telling you, Threadstrong is the way to go.
SOUND: Rummaging in drawer
ALBA
You want Threadstrong? Fine. But don’t blame me when you come down with drill worms. And they always leave a scar.
MAGNUS
Excellent. Ow, ow.
ALBA
Hold still.
MAGNUS
Ow! Who did you sleep with to get this job? Or are you bestest friends with the Queen or something?
ALBA
Her sister, actually.
MAGNUS
Oh, that explains it.
(pause, then with growing glee)
Wait a second. You’re the Queen’s sister?
ALBA
Quick on the uptake.
Early drafts of this episode started with a big “Once upon a time” prologue that outlined this story, but it dragged. Instead, we had someone come down with a weird ailment in the cold open, like it’s an episode of House.
MAGNUS
That means it was you… You tried to marry the King! Isn’t that how it happened? Three sisters tried to save the King’s life, and the youngest actually cured him and married him.
ALBA
There are a lot of different stories out there.
MAGNUS
So does that mean you failed? Or did the King just think she was prettier than you? Heh. OW!
ALBA
You should lay still and not talk when I’m trying to stitch you up.
MAGNUS
What, ’cause I might hit a nerve?
(proudly)
Oh yeah.
(pause)
Hey, is that what he meant about how you’ve been to dark places of the soul?
ALBA
Who said that?
MAGNUS
Father Laing. He said you know dark magic.
ALBA
He was only trying to get me to take you in.
MAGNUS
I bet you do. Show me a trick. Show me. Disintegrate something!
ALBA
No.
MAGNUS
Please?
ALBA
Give it up. Laing, tell your young monk here that I don’t do dark magic.
(nothing)
Father Laing?
MAGNUS
He snuck out.
ALBA
Bloody monks!
MAGNUS
I know, eh?
(pause)
Alba?
ALBA
Yes, Magnus.
MAGNUS
Are you evil?
ALBA
You don’t want to know.
MAGNUS
Yeah I do.
ALBA
No, you really don’t.
MAGNUS
C’mon, you can tell me all about your sins. I’m a holy man. Hey, where are you going? You haven’t done my leg yet. I’m still bleeding.
ALBA
(leaving)
Good. Keep it up.
MAGNUS
Ha ha, funny.
(pause)
Alba?
CROSSFADE TO:
SCENE 12—PANTRY, CONTINUOUS
HOLLY
Hey, Alba. Get you anything?
ALBA
No, I’m fine.
HOLLY
Sorry about ducking out… whew! All that blood. I had to make some tea and calm down a bit.
(guilty)
I kind of used the last of your camomile, but I’ll get you some more…
ALBA
Mm hmm.
HOLLY
Whatcha looking for? I can find it for you.
ALBA
Found it, thanks.
Fennel, hemlock, parsnip and carrot are indeed related! This has been another Botany Corner with your host Holly.
HOLLY
Alba, that’s not wild carrot, by the way, that’s poison hemlock…
ALBA
I know what I’m doing, Holly.
HOLLY
Alba? What are you doing?
ALBA
Just taking care of my patient.
HOLLY
You’re not going to… I mean, I know he’s annoying and all, but he’s just a kid! You can’t just kill him!
ALBA
I’ve got motive, means and opportunity. The monks all up and skipped town. Who’s going to know? Or care?
HOLLY
I can’t let you do this.
ALBA
Get out of my way, fairy.
HOLLY
Alba, I thought you were nice!
ALBA
(grimly)
Ha.
HOLLY
Or at least, I thought you were a good witch, but you’re…
ALBA
Yes?
HOLLY
I don’t know.
(beat)
Alba? Are you evil?
And I love how Barb plays this little retreat. This line’s become one of our most-quoted.
ALBA
(pause, then)
No. But I like having the option.
HOLLY
(lets out a breath)
Well, thank all the twinkly stars for that.
ALBA
Now get out of my way. I’ve gotta stitch up the idiot kid.
HOLLY
(clears her throat)
Hemlock. Hand it over.
ALBA
(sighs)
HOLLY
Thank you.
SCENE 13—PALACE
GUNTHER
Will the defendant please stand.
MAGNUS
Yo.
SOUND: Chair pushed back
GUNTHER
Brother Magnus of Hezelford, late of the Dragon Mountain Order. This court finds you guilty of endangering the public, destruction of royal property, causing a disturbance and making a complete mess of the new curtains.
MAGNUS
I object, your Kingship.
GUNTHER
Don’t get smart with me. I, Gunther the Third, King of Farloria, do sentence you to five thousand hours of community service.
MAGNUS
What?!
GUNTHER
Did I say five thousand? I meant six thousand.
MAGNUS
Dammit.
GUNTHER
To be served at the House of Healing under the care of Miss Alba Salix, Royal Physician…
ALBA
What?!
MAGNUS
(suddenly seeing the bright side)
Heeey…
GUNTHER
…in the hopes that she will be a good influence on your character and keep you out of trouble.
ALBA
Gunther, what are you thinking?
I was trying to get a bigger bang here, but this is what I managed to get from the random bits of lumber in the basement. But I like the idea of Gunther with a tiny ceremonial gavel.
SOUND: Gavel bang
GUNTHER
Court is dismissed.
(to Alba)
Alba, I’m counting on you.
ALBA
Gunther! Wait!
MAGNUS
Hey there, boss.
ALBA
(sighs)
Hello, Magnus.
MAGNUS
You ready to rock?
ALBA
Fine. Let’s get back to the House of Healing.
MAGNUS
Sweet. You can give me my first lesson in black magic.
ALBA
All right, all right.
(leaving)
Have you ever had hemlock?
MAGNUS
(following)
No, is it good?
MUSIC: CLOSING THEME