Hey gang! Here’s the first of our annotated scripts for The Axe & Crown. It’s a little glimpse into the making of the show, kind of like a commentary track on a DVD — only easier to take in if you’re listening to the episode at the same time.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 1: Last Call
INT. BAR — NIGHT
This is the first time we’ve done underscoring (not counting the in-universe music in Alba Episode 1). It’s a bit of a slow scene to get started, but it seemed like the most natural place to kick off the story. The music heightens the mood and fits with Gubbin’s past in the army…
MUSIC: STIRRING WAR-MOVIE SPEECHIFYING STUFF.
A small, hushed crowd of regulars listens to Gubbin deliver a solemn inspirational speech. It soon becomes plain that he is completely sauced, as is his audience.
GUBBIN
Men… Ladies… ++strange thing in the corner.++ Tomorrow, we go into battle, side by side, as brothers and sisters. Humans and trolls alike. Some might say we’re just a bunch of sorry-ass losers defending one humble little shack by the river, but it’s more than that. This tavern is home.
ZANE
++Yeah!++
GUBBIN
Tomorrow morning, they’re gonna be at our front door with their swords and their halberds and truncherds and sharp pointy things. But I’ll tell you this: They can bring the City Guard with them; they can bring every last lawyer from here to hell, but they will not take the Axe and Crown!
…plus we get to undercut it with everyone’s drunkenness.
A sustained roar of approval from the crowd.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
And I just want to say — no, no, shut up, you guys — what was I gonna say?
ZANE
Have another drink, Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Nah, that wasn’t it. But that’s a very good idea.
Gubbin fills a tankard from a tap as he continues.
Betula won’t show up for a couple episodes yet, but that’s her actor Marisa as Rosina. During a read-through she tried out a few voices, and when we heard her as a fiery old lady, I immediately rewrote to give some of the more hot-tempered lines (“Kill all the landlords!”) to her. I’m a sucker for dangerous grannies.
ROSINA
I’ll have one too!
GUBBIN
I remember now — I wanted to thank you all for sticking by me in these difficult times. Serving all of you has been a salve for a wounded heart.
Everybody goes “Aww…” Gubbin takes a swig of beer.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
When I started coming here, way back when it was Old Noreena’s place… I was not at my best. And Noreena, she offered me… ++what’s that thing? That warm, fuzzy kinda emotiony thing –++ kindness. That’s not something us trolls are too good at accepting. But she wouldn’t say no.
First it was a place to stay and a bite to eat. Somewhere to have a pint or two with my buddies from the regiment. A while later, it was a job pouring the drinks.
ROSINA
Speaking of drinks –
GUBBIN
And since she died, great Yulipaa rest her soul, I’ve done my best to carry on her good work, providing rest for the wicked — the weary… the weary and the wicked! Rest for the wicked and beer for the… the thirsty.
ROSINA
I’m thirsty!
GUBBIN
Nah, you’re one of the wicked. No beer for you.
Laughter.
ROSINA
I’m both! Gimme a drink.
Gubbin relents and fills a tankard for her.
GUBBIN
All right, all right. You’re a friend. And friends stand together. Unlike certain unfaithful, two-timing kitchen staff who shall remain nameless.
Boos from the crowd.
ZANE
Aw, forget him, Gubbin!
ROSINA
Cheating bastard!
GUBBIN
But us… We stand together! Our enemies would tear down this homely tavern to build their shiny new block of flats and offices for all the better, finer people of this city. All thanks to our landlord.
The crowd boos. Someone yells, “Kill all the landlords!”
Carlton Gerrard, of course, was one of Alba’s patients in Alba Episode 4.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Carlton Gerrard Esquire, the eminent profiteering devil-humper — sorry, that’s “property developer”. So ladies, gents, join me in raising one final toast to Mister Carlton Gerrard, may he die of the purple cramps and his teeth be used to scrape poop off the floor of a barn.
They all cheer. Tankards clink. Gubbin drains half his beer.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Ahh. And with that profound senter — that profound sentiment — I bid you… a fond goodnight.
The “tankards” are actually a one-cup espresso maker and a tiny brass pitcher from a thrift shop, pitched down to make them sound bigger.
He falls over and his tankard goes rolling. The crowd cheers louder.
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode One: Last Call.
INT. BAR — MORNING
Snoring from several people, including Gubbin. There’s a knock at the heavy wooden door.
When I was little, my grandparents went to Norway, and brought me back a book called A Time For Trolls, a translation of some folk tales collected by Asbjørnsen and Moe. There are a few echoes of those stories in Alba — most notably the helpful, rhyming animals in Alba Episode 2. And a little bit of the Three Billy-Goats Gruff in here, of course.
GUBBIN
(half asleep)
Who’s walkin’ over my bridge…
The knocking comes louder.
STAN
(from outside)
Hello? Anybody home?
\ A key in the lock. The door rattles and thuds, but stays shut. Zane jumps to his feet and rushes to the window. \
GUBBIN
(suddenly alert, hisses)
What’s that?
ZANE
There’s a guy outside with some papers. That him?
GUBBIN
Yeah. It’s him. They’re here. Everybody! On your feet!
The regulars rise. Hungover groans.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
C’mon. Swords out.
ROSINA
Too bad we don’t have any boiling oil.
GUBBIN
Yeah, well.
ROSINA
I tell ya, Gubbin, if you’d just let us in the kitchen –
GUBBIN
Nobody goes in the kitchen.
ROSINA
I know, I know. Just saying.
ZANE
It’s true, though. Woulda been nice to have a hot meal here and there while we’re on lockdown.
GUBBIN
Will you guys shut it?
Enter Stan. On our first read-through we tried out Art reading for Gubbin, thinking that his voice would suit a burly, deadpan troll, and Hugo doing Stan. When we flipped them, though, Gubbin came to life as a cackling lunatic, and Art brought the perfect note of lovable cluelessness to Stan.
Stan taps at the window.
STAN
Hello? Anybody there? Your front door seems to be stuck.
Gubbin opens the window.
GUBBIN
Carlton Gerrard.
STAN
Hey, good morning! Are you Mister, uh, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Carlton Gerrard, prepare to meet thy doom.
STAN
No, no, I’m not Carlton Gerrard. I’m his son.
GUBBIN
Aha!
Stan’s full first name is a little tribute to Stan Ridgway, the original lead singer from Wall of Voodoo. His songs are full of oddball characters and hapless everyman narrators, like the cabbie in “Drive, She Said”.
STAN
My name’s Stan. Stanway Gerrard. Nice to meet you!
(beat)
Can I come in?
GUBBIN
Nice try. Tell all your men to stand down.
STAN
My men?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Where are they hiding?
STAN
I don’t have any men.
GUBBIN
(whispering)
Yeah, that’s weird. Where is everybody?
ROSINA
(whispering)
They gotta be hidden somewhere.
STAN
So, uh… what do you say?
GUBBIN
No. You run along home and tell your daddy he can go find some other place to knock down.
STAN
Yeah, that’s very funny.
GUBBIN
Tell him the Axe and Crown is staying right where it is!
These days, we usually spend about half an hour on recording day doing all the walla (background voices). This is probably my favourite walla moment.
The regulars cheer, then quickly realize how hungover they are and trail off in a chorus of “Ow!” and “Shhh!”
STAN
My father’s dead.
GUBBIN
He’s what?
STAN
He died. A week ago.
Whispers: “What did he say?” “Who’s dead?”
GUBBIN
Says who?
STAN
It was in all the papers… How did you not hear about it?
GUBBIN
We’re on lockdown. No one goes in or out.
STAN
Oh. Is that why all these newspapers are piled up on your doorstep?
He bends over and looks through the pile.
GUBBIN
Don’t try anything funny.
STAN
Look. It’s right here.
GUBBIN
(squinting)
“Building Boom: Real Estate Magnate… Explodes”?
STAN
Yeah. Some kind of magical accident, apparently. He bought some bogus crystal and tried to cast a spell with it.
GUBBIN
“Royal Doc Chalks Up Pox To Magic Rocks.” Huh. Well. That’s too bad.
STAN
I know he wasn’t the most popular person around here…
GUBBIN
Naw, we’re big fans.
Originally, Stan was just going to be a regular at the bar, but that didn’t provide much narrative push, or reason for him to be involved. As soon as we made him the landlord — the naïve, happy-go-lucky, brand-new landlord — whole storylines started to click into place.
STAN
Anyway, long story short, I kinda own your building now!
GUBBIN
Is that so.
STAN
So, do you want to maybe let me in, and we can talk about our plans for the place?
(silence)
Hello?
GUBBIN
What is he up to?
ROSINA
It’s gotta be some kind of trick. Street looks clear, though. I don’t see anyone on the rooftops.
GUBBIN
(calls)
Anyone out back?
ZANE
Negative.
GUBBIN
Hmm.
STAN
Mister Gubbin?
GUBBIN
All right. Let’s open ‘er up.
Not sure why I even wrote in footsteps here. I’ve avoided using them for the most part since Episode One of Alba.
They shove the furniture aside, then unbolt and open the front door. \ Footsteps as \ Stan strolls in.
STAN
Hey everybody! Geez, pretty big crowd for nine in the morning.
GUBBIN
Stan, wasn’t it?
STAN
That’s me.
GUBBIN
Stan, I’d like you to meet my loyal patrons and tenants. Everybody, this is the Axe and Crown’s new landlord, Stan.
STAN
Hi there!
Someone yells “Kill all the landlords!” The rest give a lusty shout, followed by more shushing and groaning.
GUBBIN
So let’s hear all about these plans of yours.
STAN
Well. As you probably know, my father’s plan was to evict everyone and knock down the building.
Hisses and boos. Another “Kill!”
STAN (CONT’D)
But! But I’m not going to do that.
GUBBIN
Oh no?
Stan unfurls a set of blueprints.
STAN
Yeah, look! I had my guy do up some new plans. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the Prospect Hotel!
This does not get the expected rousing cheer.
GUBBIN
The hell is this?
STAN
See, we keep the original building and extend it. Three more storeys on top, with a swimming pool, one of those cool terraces here…
GUBBIN
And you think this is gonna stay standing.
STAN
How do you mean?
Most universities seem to have an urban legend about their library’s architects failing to take into account the weight of the books and having to pare down, or resort to other measures to avert disaster.
GUBBIN
That much weight on this foundation? It’s gonna be another Leaning Tavern of Paramecia.
STAN
Another what?
GUBBIN
Some duke decided he was gonna build the biggest, most amazing hotel in the world. Eight storeys, terraces everywhere, cute little mini palm trees on the roof. Won all kinds of architecture awards before it was even built. But he put it right on the riverbank, on crappy soil.
STAN
And it started leaning?
GUBBIN
Yup, then it leaned some more. And then, opening night, it tilted right over and fell in the river.
STAN
Oh.
GUBBIN
Which is exactly what you’ll get if you build this.
I adore the way Art says, “like, you know… buttresses?”
STAN
Couldn’t we just shore it up? With shoring? Or, like… buttresses?
GUBBIN
Who did these plans?
STAN
Buddy of mine. He’s really good. Studying to be an architect.
GUBBIN
Course. Frickin’ architects. No, you can’t “just shore it up”.
STAN
Could we maybe lose some of the additional stories?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Try all of them.
STAN
Aw, really? Well… I guess we can keep the luxury suites on the existing floors.
Soon after we made Stan the landlord, the whole gentrification storyline started to pick up steam. We were living in Toronto at the time, where the real estate market was going utterly mad.
GUBBIN
And where do my tenants go?
STAN
They would, uh, find temporary lodgings elsewhere and then move back in.
GUBBIN
Same rent as before?
STAN
It might go up somewhat.
The crowd is restless. “Somewhat!”
GUBBIN
Why here? Why don’t you build your fancy hotel downtown, where people can afford it?
Since then, we’ve moved an hour west to Hamilton, which turns out to have an actual Mud Street.
STAN
Downtown Grandville’s getting expensive these days. People are starting to look at places further out. Like Mud Street here. What a great street!
GUBBIN
Uh huh? So tell me what’s so great about Mud Street.
STAN
It’s honest. Down to earth. You know. It’s a place for all the little people.
GUBBIN
++Little people.++ So what are we, pixies now?
STAN
No, no, I don’t mean you’re actually little. Heh, certainly not you, you big ol’ troll, you.
GUBBIN
So just small in the metaphorical sense. Petty, unimportant…
STAN
Uh…
GUBBIN
But never mind. You were talking about Mud Street.
STAN
Mud Street! Is a street that’s muddy, because it’s by the river… and it’s of the river… Heh, when it rains I bet it pretty much is the river.
This falls flat too.
STAN (CONT’D)
And like a river, it bends and flows, and it’s full of life, like the way a river is alive with fish and crawdads and bugs.
GUBBIN
Ah, I get it. So we’re not just little, we’re actually bugs.
STAN
Yeah. No! That’s not what I –
On Alba Salix, three-quarters of the foley work seemed to be either coins or things in bottles. And on both series, there’s always a lot of blades being drawn.
Rosina and the others start to pull out knives and swords.
ROSINA
You want me to cut him down the middle, boss?
STAN
Whoa! Hey! No cutting! No cutting! Look, you guys… this place is what it is because of you. Good, hard-workin’ honest townsfolk. Folks with heart, and soul, and… big pointy knives.
GUBBIN
Let me ask you again. Isn’t there some other neighbourhood you can inflict your hotel on? Somewhere with solid ground? Somewhere that’s not here?
STAN
I would, but… this is the only property I got.
GUBBIN
Give me a break. Your daddy owned half the buildings downtown.
STAN
Those went to other members of the family.
GUBBIN
Ahhh. I get it. Poor little Stan, not exactly the favourite son, huh?
The crowd joins him in a sarcastic “Awww.”
STAN
Hey now. That’s not fair.
GUBBIN
Well, Stanny, let me introduce you to some of my good, hard-workin’, honest regulars. This is Zane. He spent seven years in prison for robbery and assault.
ZANE
How ya doin’.
STAN
Fine?
Everyone leans in. A soft but growing murmur of sadistic chuckles.
GUBBIN
Doctor Hankenberg there, he’s what you might call a poison specialist. And I don’t mean antidotes. Rosina, well, they got her for conspiracy to murder. Woulda hanged her but she escaped. After she slit her executioner’s throat.
STAN
Uh. Wow. Still! That doesn’t mean you’re not all good people, like, deep down…
GUBBIN
Eh. I bet the town guard would beg to differ.
STAN
Is everybody here a criminal or a murderer?
A tense silence — then everyone bursts into mocking laughter.
GUBBIN
Naw. I’m just messin’ with you, kid.
STAN
What! Really? Aw, you guys! You had me going there.
“He sells pansies!” was an ad-lib from Hugo. We’ve been using a little more improvisation as we get more comfortable with directing.
GUBBIN
Rosina’s a baker. Hank works down at the docks. Zane’s got a little flower stall. ++He sells pansies!++
(suddenly close)
But I wouldn’t get them mad, if I was you.
STAN
No, sir.
GUBBIN
Some of them live here, some of them just come by for a pint and a bit of company. I just wanted you to see their faces. Realize these are real people you’re kicking out.
A moment passes.
STAN
I’m not kicking anybody out.
A few skeptical snorts.
GUBBIN
You think these folks can afford your rent hike?
Also, there are a few big speeches in A&C, something I tended to avoid in Season One of Alba.
STAN
No, I’m not hiking the rent either.
You’re right, I was never my parents’ favourite. I was no good at business, or selling things, or bargaining. That’s why they left everything to my sister.
So you guys… you should count yourselves lucky. You’re standing up for each other. You’re more of a family to each other than I had growing up.
I think you are good people. With a hilarious sense of humour! I can’t just go and kick you guys out.
So… the heck with these plans! The redevelopment is hereby cancelled.
Stan tears the blueprints in half. Gasps. The crowd is finally warming to him.
GUBBIN
We got your word on that?
STAN
Absolutely. The Prospect Hotel is dead. Long live the Axe and Crown!
A cheer goes up. This time, no one groans.
GUBBIN
All right. Good man.
STAN
Yeah! Put ‘er there.
They shake hands.
STAN (CONT’D)
Oooh. Ow. That’s a firm handshake.
Not sure this little turnaround really came off, and that’s down to the writing — the word “pal” that Stan seizes on is buried in the middle of Gubbin’s line, so the joke doesn’t land as squarely as it might have. Live and learn…
GUBBIN
These people are trusting in you, pal. You go back on your word and all these good, honest townsfolk will tear your face off.
STAN
You really mean it?
GUBBIN
Course I mean it.
STAN
Yes! We’re pals now!
GUBBIN
Wha? No, I meant –
STAN
This is gonna be amazing. I always wanted to run a bar!
GUBBIN
Now wait a second. I run the bar.
And so the scene is set.
STAN
Best inheritance ever! Look at this place! Think of the possibilities!
(backtracking)
…for small and tasteful changes and repairs! Eh, pal?
GUBBIN
\ Oh boy. \ ++Crap on a stick.++
STAN
What do you say, folks? First round’s on me!
The patrons cheer.
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME