We’ve got another episode commentary for you, and listen all y’all — it’s a sabotage.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 10: Grand Opening
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Ten: Grand Opening.
INT. BAR — DAY
The wheelbarrow made for a lot of busywork panning it and Gubbin around the room, but it sells the fact that he’s Up To Something.
Stan comes in from the street. \Betula is hammering on something behind the bar.\ Gubbin is pushing a wheelbarrow through from the basement stairs to the back door, and actually humming to himself.
STAN
Hey Betula!
BETULA
Hi Stan.
STAN
Hey Gubbin. Wow, you should see what they’ve done across the street.
GUBBIN
What, at the Badger and Bucket? Somehow I doubt they’re letting trolls in the front door.
BETULA
They aren’t.
STAN
I know. But I wish you could see it. They really went all out for their grand opening.
GUBBIN
Good for them.
STAN
The decor is brilliant. All the furniture’s got that rough wood panel kind of look, to go with the “bucket” idea…
GUBBIN
Yeah, I’ve seen Bucket pubs before. They’re all the same.
Gubbin heads out the back door.
STAN
(calling after him)
But the Badger and Bucket’s got the patio! Plus the furniture’s all wood reclaimed from an old ship. Dorothea gave me a grand tour!
BETULA
Are you still all chummy with her?
Stan playing secret agent: adorable.
STAN
Yeah, but only to observe and figure out their weaknesses.
BETULA
And? What are their weaknesses?
STAN
Right. Uh… let me get back to you on that. Such a sweet building though. I love those big tall warehouse ceilings.
Gubbin reappears.
STAN (CONT’D)
Hey Gubbin, do you think we could raise the ceilings in here somehow?
GUBBIN
Raise them?
STAN
Yeah. I mean, since we’re doing so much work on the building…
GUBBIN
Short of taking out the floor above us… no.
STAN
Oooh. What if we take out that floor… and put it on top of the building?
GUBBIN
Thank the gods you were never an engineer.
I didn’t figure toilettis (or should that be simply toiletti?) would come back up, but hey!
STAN
I kinda wish I was now! The bathrooms at the Badger and Bucket are so amazing. With the running water and everything… Gubbin, you remember toilettis?
GUBBIN
Remember what?
STAN
Those fancy Mellurian style toilets Betula was telling us about? They’ve got ’em at the Badger and Bucket. A whole room of them!
GUBBIN
Yup.
STAN
You pull this lever thing and it’s like, fwoosh! It cleans itself.
And once again, we had to pin down the level of technology within the Alba world — or at least, the tech level on Mud Street. Apparently we’ve just reached the age of sanitary sewerage.
GUBBIN
Yeah. That’s why they had to tear up the street last week, so they could hook up the stupid pipes.
STAN
It’s not like we were open for business anyway.
GUBBIN
Yeah, it was sure nice of Dorothea to hold off on her digging until after she had us closed down.
He heads downstairs.
STAN
Why’s Gubbin still working on the basement?
BETULA
It’s the foundation, he says.
STAN
But he said it was perfectly sound, like, a week ago. What’s left to do to it?
BETULA
I guess he’s just extra paranoid. Did he tell you? The town building inspector’s finally coming today.
STAN
Whaaaat! No, that’s awesome. We can finally get the Axe and Crown un-condemned and back in business!
BETULA
If we’re lucky.
STAN
I can’t wait. I’ve got so many ideas. Did you know the Badger and Bucket has a dozen kinds of beer?
BETULA
I saw all the barrels coming in yesterday.
STAN
More than a dozen!
BETULA
Why so many?
For all I know, some mad bastard has made these in real life.
STAN
There’s all different flavours. Balgomarian ale with cinnamon and prunes… pine-infused cheesecake lager.
BETULA
Yum.
STAN
And the food, oh man!
BETULA
(alarmed)
You ate the food?
STAN
Yeah! Dorothea was handing out free samples.
BETULA
I told you not to!
STAN
What, you were worried she was going to try to poison me?
BETULA
Or something like that.
STAN
There was nothing wrong with it. She was eating all the same food herself!
BETULA
(not relieved)
Oh… well. That’s a relief. You sure you’re feeling all right?
STAN
Yes, I’m fine. Just a little full. Gosh, the desserts. I was thinking we should have a dessert menu…
Gubbin re-emerges from the basement.
GUBBIN
Menu?
STAN
Uh, well…
GUBBIN
No. Stan. No.
STAN
Maybe just a couple of additions? The Badger and Bucket have these awesome puff pastry things with jam in them…
Hugo ad-libbed “croquembouche” here. In our world, I’m guessing it’s a Mellurian invention.
GUBBIN
It took our “cook” a month to learn not to burn steak to a crisp. How well do you think she’s gonna do at \puff pastry?\ a ++croquembouche?++
BETULA
Gee, thanks, Uncle.
STAN
Or they have these special fried turnip things called “frites”.
GUBBIN
Just admit it. You’re still all goo-goo for that Dorothea.
STAN
Her? No way! She got us shut down and forced us to repaint!
GUBBIN
Uh huh. You’re always over there talking to her.
He heads out the back door.
STAN
Yeah, because we have a professional rivalry. We can totally steal all her good ideas.
(burps)
Oof. Excuse me. Geez! I really ate too much over there.
BETULA
Stan.
STAN
I know, I know, you told me not to. So? I’m a little bloated!
BETULA
And soon you’re going to be nauseous, and then you’re going to be… emptying out.
STAN
What makes you say that?
BETULA
Have you noticed the people leaving the Badger and Bucket?
Stan peers out the window.
And here we threw Art into, in his words, “trying to co-play the difference between pride and having to s* like a racehorse”. I think he did admirably.
STAN
What about them? Oh yeah, they don’t look too happy! Heh, I wonder why…
BETULA
Because they ate something bad.
STAN
Well, they don’t look sick. I wonder if something went wrong with the toilettis.
BETULA
What about that guy?
STAN
Okay, maybe that guy looks sick. Ooo, and she’s kinda doubled over. Aw man, maybe something is wrong with the food!
BETULA
A little bit.
STAN
Oh gods. Do you think I should go see a doctor?
BETULA
It shouldn’t be that bad.
Stan makes for the front door as Gubbin comes back in.
STAN
You never know with these things. I think I’m feeling faint.
GUBBIN
What’s the matter, kid? Competition stressing you out?
STAN
We think some of the food today was off.
GUBBIN
Serves you right for eating there.
A reasonable idea of Stan’s, though it does kind of tease at a crossover that doesn’t happen. YET
STAN
I should probably go to the House of Healing before this gets worse.
BETULA
I don’t know if you have to go that far. It should pass pretty quickly.
STAN
You said “emptying out”! That sounds serious to me.
A play on kombu, the seaweed from which MSG was originally isolated, and I was probably thinking of dashi, Japanese-style clear broth — which you can make from kombu, among other things. I use shiitake mushrooms, myself. Dangit, now I’m hungry.
BETULA
It’s because of the kombanchi.
STAN
The what?
BETULA
In all the Bucket pubs, they use this goo made from seaweed to enhance the flavour in everything. So they can use cheapass ingredients, and then just add kombanchi to make it taste good.
STAN
Uh oh. Do we use it?
BETULA
Nah, Uncle won’t let me.
GUBBIN
Johann would never touch the stuff.
BETULA
Yeah, well, I’m not a fancy chef like Johann.
STAN
So how do the Bucket pubs get away with using ko-badgey if it makes people sick?
BETULA
Oh, it’s usually fine… unless you happen to get a bad batch.
STAN
Betula! Did you…?
BETULA
I may have.
GUBBIN
May have poisoned a whole pub full of people?
BETULA
Not poisoned! Just gave them a bit of gastric distress.
GUBBIN
(laughs)
All right. Nice going, kid.
Once again, walking the fine line between tormenting Stan and making Betula look callous.
STAN
I don’t think it’s that funny!
GUBBIN
How’d you manage it?
BETULA
I know some people in the food supply business. I’m surprised you didn’t try to pull a stunt like that for their grand opening.
GUBBIN
Nah, I say, let them have their moment.
BETULA
Come on. What have you really been doing this week? You’re up to something too.
GUBBIN
Just a little below-ground infrastructure project.
BETULA
On the foundation… Wait. No. You’re digging a tunnel.
GUBBIN
A ventilation shaft.
BETULA
Does this ventilation shaft happen to run directly across the street to the Badger and Bucket?
GUBBIN
It may have an exit in that general direction.
STAN
Gubbin! Aren’t they going to notice a hole in their basement?
GUBBIN
Nah. It runs most of the way under the street, and then for the last five feet it’s just a tiny little tube. Angles up and then connects to their drain. They’ll never suspect that’s where the cockroaches are getting in.
BETULA
You put cockroaches in their basement?
GUBBIN
No. Not yet. I’ll wait until we get the Axe and Crown open again so their disgruntled patrons can come over here.
STAN
Ughhh…
BETULA
Stan, you’re not looking too good.
STAN
Too much kobatchney.
BETULA
I’m sorry, Stan. I tried to warn you.
\ Stan makes for the door. \
STAN
That’s okay. \ I gotta… go. \
GUBBIN
Why don’t you use their fancy bathroom across the street? It was their food you ate.
Speaking of toilettis and “coming back up”…
STAN
No, I can’t do that. The toilettis are all blocked up.
BETULA
Oh yeah! Everyone must be lining up to use them.
STAN
Also… the pipes are frozen!
GUBBIN
Oh yeah?
BETULA
Frozen?
I like this little bit of magic-tech.
STAN
Yeah. See, at the bar, they were using these little alchemical gizmos to make ice. You just drop one in water, and a few minutes later you’ve got a solid block. So I thought, I wonder what would happen if you flushed a couple of these?
BETULA
Stan!
GUBBIN
You froze the pipes.
STAN
Yup.
GUBBIN
The pipes that carry sewage down to the sewer.
STAN
Yup.
GUBBIN
Causing them to back up hilariously into the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
Yup.
So, basically “The Gift of the Magi” only with three people and sabotage instead of presents.
BETULA
Which is now connected to our basement.
GUBBIN
Oh boy.
Gubbin rushes downstairs.
STAN
Pretty good, eh? Excuse me.
GUBBIN
(from below)
Dammit! Stan! ++ Betula! Get down here! ++
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — LATER
STAN
Well. This has been a learning experience.
GUBBIN
Yeah, it has, hasn’t it? Let’s see — what exactly have we learned?
And since the chain of events wasn’t as clear as it might have been, here’s a recap and a heartwarming dénouement for you.
STAN
Well, on the plus side, there’s a big untapped market for pubs in this area.
BETULA
And we learned that ice expands when it freezes.
STAN
Also, toilettis use a lot of water.
GUBBIN
Uh huh.
BETULA
Also, it’s hard to hide an illegal “ventilation shaft” that’s leaking sewage into your basement.
STAN
Yeah. At least the inspector gave us a firm date for a return visit.
BETULA
Assuming Dorothea doesn’t manage to get that delayed somehow.
STAN
But at least that’ll give us some time for the smell to go down!
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah. Most importantly, though.
STAN
Most importantly, we learned… the value of friendship\?\ ++! Bring it in. Bring it in.++
BETULA
Believing in yourself?
STAN
That the things we have in common are more important than the things that set us apart?
GUBBIN
No, what we learned is, in future, if you want to pull a prank on the neighbours, ask me first!
STAN
Right. Right.
BETULA
It was pretty good though, wasn’t it?
STAN
I mean, the Bucket had to close down for almost as long as we did!
GUBBIN
Yeah, it could have gone worse.
STAN
Go team Axe and Crown!
This needs a Police Squad! freeze frame.
++ They all cheer. ++
STAN (CONT’D)
(burps)
Ugh.
GUBBIN
++ Ugh. Take that outside. ++
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME