Bowling montage! And Gubbin’s ex! Read the backstory to the penultimate episode of The Axe & Crown, Season 1!
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 11: Bowled Over
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Eleven: Bowled Over.
INT. BAR — AFTERNOON
Gubbin is stacking bricks at one end of the room. Betula enters from the street.
BETULA
Hey, Uncle. What’s with all the bricks? Did Stan finally talk you into putting up a fifth storey?
GUBBIN
It’s for siege bowling. Didn’t you see the posters?
BETULA
Oh yeah, something about a tournament?
GUBBIN
And a hundred-crown prize.
BETULA
Never heard of siege bowling.
GUBBIN
Yeah. Big pub sport here in town. Back in the army my buddies and me used to play it in our off hours.
BETULA
It’s bowling? Like, with a ball?
GUBBIN
Yeah… So. Listen. You used to play smashball, right?
BETULA
Yeah. Left striker.
GUBBIN
You any good?
BETULA
We were three-time All-Trølsund champions.
GUBBIN
Hmm.
BETULA
Any particular reason you ask?
GUBBIN
Well… we’re down a guy from last year, so it’s just Hank and me. We need a third bowler.
BETULA
What’s in it for me?
GUBBIN
Glory, achievement…
BETULA
A share of the prize money?
GUBBIN
Commensurate with experience.
BETULA
Pfff. Equal share or I’m out.
GUBBIN
We’ll see.
BETULA
How’s the game work?
How plausible this game is probably depends on what sort of bricks and ball you use. At any rate, I think it makes more sense than Quidditch.
GUBBIN
It’s head to head. Each team builds a wall out of bricks. That’s your castle.
BETULA
And then the other team has to knock it down?
GUBBIN
Little more complicated. Basic idea is, your king is being held prisoner in the other team’s castle. Each bowler gets one throw, and between you you’re trying to knock down these five pegs. Those are the guards. Your opponents set those up, along with the wall, plus this coin here.
He sets down a big coin.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
That’s your king. You knock that down, you score zero for that castle.
BETULA
Got it. Sounds pretty straightforward so far.
Also, it’s a nice noisy sport. The sound is enough to tell when someone’s thrown the ball and when it connects.
GUBBIN
That’s the basics. You throw from the line back here. So with this layout I’d go for the two guards on the left –
Betula has already thrown. The ball rumbles across the floor and smashes into the bricks.
BETULA
You were saying?
GUBBIN
Okay. Well. First time lucky.
BETULA
So… equal shares?
GUBBIN
Hang on. We’ve only covered the official rules.
BETULA
There are unofficial rules?
GUBBIN
Yeah. One: cheat like hell. Two: don’t get caught.
BETULA
Okay, now this is sounding like your kind of game.
Stan enters from the street.
STAN
Hey guys! Are you joining the siege bowling team, Betula?
BETULA
Thinking about it.
STAN
Oh, you gotta be on! You’ll be awesome.
BETULA
Are you playing too?
STAN
Gubbin says I’m banned from the game for life.
BETULA
That have anything to do with the hole in the wall by the stairs?
STAN
Maybe?
GUBBIN
There’s also the matter of Stan being terrible at lying.
Art killed this bit.
STAN
Or: the best liar ever.
GUBBIN
Who told the building inspector about our basement tunnel?
STAN
Well, he couldn’t figure out where the smell was coming from and he just looked so bothered about it.
GUBBIN
Where were you just now, Stan?
STAN
I was… not across the street?
GUBBIN
So, not at the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
Yes. I was so not at the Badger and Bucket.
BETULA
I believe you.
STAN
See, Betula believes me.
OH HO HO IRONIC FORESHADOWING
GUBBIN
Across the street and in bed with the enemy once again.
STAN
In bed! Whatever! I was there to gain intelligence. Is that so hard to believe?
GUBBIN
Well, I doubt you could lose any.
STAN
Which reminds me… They’re fielding a team in the tournament.
GUBBIN
They’re what?
STAN
The siege bowling. They’re gonna compete!
GUBBIN
The Badger and Bucket are?
STAN
Yeah. I told them they’re gonna be toast! I bet Dorothea a hundred crowns we’d win.
GUBBIN
Whoa. You got a hundred crowns just lying around?
STAN
I mean, not exactly… But we’re gonna win, right?
GUBBIN
Sure. Well, this ought to be interesting.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — NIGHT
A raucous crowd awaits the first throw.
STAN
Are you having fun?
The crowd cheers.
STAN
I said, are you all having fun?!
The crowd cheers louder.
Vanevender Piffling was the name I had in mind for Krankel’s replacement as Sorceror General in Season Two of Alba Salix. Then I learned that Piffling was the name of the island in Wooden Overcoats, the comedy podcast about rival undertakers — brand new then and justly famous now.
STAN
It’s time for Game Two of our quarter-final round. From the Tower District, put your hands together please for last year’s fifth-place team from Ye Olde Pointed Hat!
(continued under)
Bowling first, it’s Vanevender Piffling! Bowling second: Maisie Wulfenschnaut. Am I saying that right? Okay, cool. Bowling third: Tempesma Chang!
BETULA
Are they actual wizards?
GUBBIN
Yeah. They got no chance. Wizards are crap at siege bowling.
BETULA
You’d figure they’d be great at cheating.
GUBBIN
You can always tell. They’re worse liars than Stan and they can’t hold their beer.
STAN
And squaring off against them, a brand new team on the scene — nice place but you wouldn’t want to drink there… it’s the Badger and Bucket! BOOOO.
GUBBIN
All right. Let’s see what kind of team these clowns can field.
As a rule, everything in Mediocria is nice.
STAN
Bowling first, from Fair-Upon-Middling in Mediocria, it’s Zenda Bland! Oh yeah, she tends bar! She’s nice.
Bowling second, hometown boy Spike Macduff! And bowling third, team captain and former bowler for the Axe and Crown…?
GUBBIN
Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me.
STAN
Johann… Yeoman.
A mix of cheers and astonished gasps.
GUBBIN
Son of a…!
BETULA
Uncle… is that your Johann?
GUBBIN
He’s not “my” anything. Those bastards.
Some early drafts of this episode had Stan as a judge, and another tavern regular playing sportscaster. This way makes so much more sense, especially after we added Johann to the story.
STAN
Now, hang on. Judges? Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t this man be disqualified? For… cheating?
GUBBIN
Okay, Stan.
STAN
As in, cheating on another player in this tournament?
GUBBIN
Stan.
STAN
Specifically, cheating on his former teammate for the Axe and Crown, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
You made your point.
An awkward silence.
With hints of romantic tension between Stan and Betula — however cruelly they might have been dispelled — it didn’t seem right to leave Gubbin’s love life gathering dust on the shelf.
JOHANN
I’m just here to play.
STAN
\ Okay, just saying. \ Uh… great! So. Let’s get this game underway. Team captains, to the bar for the toss.
(whispers)
Guys! They stole our chef! And Gubbin’s ex!
GUBBIN
I noticed.
STAN
And it is The Badger and Bucket to bowl first. Pointed Hat, please proceed to the battlefield to assemble your wall!
BETULA
How much does Johann know about our… setup?
GUBBIN
He knows about the bendy floorboard. And the wind vent. And he’s the one who invented the “hollow brick full of sand” trick.
BETULA
Maybe you can spot some of his tricks, at least.
GUBBIN
If it comes to that. Let’s hope the wizards can take ’em down before they get to the final.
Bowling montage. BOWLING MONTAGE. What was I thinking? Actually, it wasn’t the bowling that was the real pain in the ass — it was the crowd reactions. We did spend a good few minutes getting a variety of group shouts from the cast, and a bit of wizard chatter, some of which we tacked on the end as an Easter egg.
BOWLING MONTAGE
\ A quick-fire montage of rolling balls, tumbling bricks and cheering crowd. \
STAN
And down goes the third guard! The Badger and Bucket are the winners, with seventy-six points to forty.
GUBBIN
Aaaa. Frickin’ wizards.
MUSIC STING
A ball takes out several more bricks.
GUBBIN
Yes!
STAN
That’s the last two guards down. Oh, what a beautiful shot! That brings it to sixty-five points for the Axe and Crown, who advance to the semi-finals versus the Parson’s Trousers –
And here Sarah Golding returns with an adorable cameo.
BOWLER
Wait! Wait. Time out! I saw some kinda string attached to the guard on the left.
Disgruntled noises.
GUBBIN
A string? Why would you attach a string to your own wall?
BOWLER
We didn’t! It was you guys!
GUBBIN
We were right over here. Did we move? Did any of you see us move past the line? No.
BOWLING MONTAGE
STAN
Augh! Down goes the crown. Zero points. A heartbreaker for the Hippopotamus and Castle. Don’t feel bad, guys. I have no idea how, but the Badger and Bucket were totally cheating, I know it.
BOWLING MONTAGE
BETULA
You heard the judges. They didn’t see any glue on the bricks. It was just a fluke, plain and simple.
STAN
The judges are shrugging. They’ve reached a decision and… yes! The Axe and Crown take it, to advance to the finals! Yeah!
BOWLING MONTAGE
Not until I heard Art effortlessly rattle off “Grandville Pub Leage Siege Bowling Championship” did I realize what a mouthful it was.
STAN
It all comes down to this one, ladies and gentlemen. The final game of this year’s Grandville Pub League Siege Bowling Championship pits our upstart challengers, the Badger and Bucket, against reigning champions for four years running — The Axe and Crown! Team captains, please come to the bar for the toss. Gubbin, would you be so kind?
The bar quiets down.
JOHANN
It’s good to see you, Gubbin.
The coin flies across the room. Laughter.
GUBBIN
Dammit.
STAN
Uh… let’s try that again?
JOHANN
Take your time.
GUBBIN
Jackass.
He flips the coin again, and catches it this time.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Call it.
JOHANN
(suggestively)
Hmm… Tails.
(beat)
Well?
GUBBIN
(zoning out)
Uh… right. Heads.
STAN
So it’s the Axe and Crown to bowl first. Badger and Bucket, to the battlefield please! Stack ’em up! Stack ’em up, like groceries. Yeah! See what I did there?
BOWLING MONTAGE
Bricks smash, and a coin rolls across the floor.
BETULA
Dammit!
STAN
Oh no! The king is down on the first throw. That’s zero points for this round.
GUBBIN
Come on. The middle brick went down before the ball even hit. You all saw it!
BOWLING MONTAGE
STAN
All right. No score yet. The Axe and Crown are ready with their first castle. Let’s see if Johann’s team can deliver.
BOWLING MONTAGE
STAN
Thirty-eight to thirty-five going into the last round. I don’t remember ever seeing a game this intense. And by the way, there totally were magnets in that top row last round.
BOWLING MONTAGE
GUBBIN
Okay, this last one looks like a Blafarnwy Castle formation. Aim for the second row, one in from the left.
BETULA
You sure? Not the one beside?
GUBBIN
No. That reddish one right above it, that’s not one of our bricks.
BETULA
How do you know?
GUBBIN
I’ve memorized every brick in the pile. It’s gotta be one of Johann’s.
BETULA
Okay. Second row, second from the left.
She winds up and throws. Bricks tumble, and a peg clinks to the floor. The crowd cheers.
STAN
Guard number three is down! But that still leaves a nasty split. This could be tricky… Let’s see if Gubbin can take out those last two, and yes, by the way, he totally can.
GUBBIN
All right, bucket-heads.
JOHANN
No rush.
GUBBIN
Can it.
Gubbin winds up. There’s a clatter from Johann’s side of the room.
JOHANN
Oops! I seem to have dropped my tankard. How clumsy of me. Let me just get that.
He bends over, to whistles and catcalls.
GUBBIN
Nice try, Johann.
STAN
Oh, now that’s just playing dirty. Gubbin, don’t look. Yeah, we’re onto you, Johann. You and all your sexy moves.
JOHANN
And oh dear, the beer went all over my shirt when I dropped it.
GUBBIN
All right. Time out. Time out!
STAN
The judges are signalling — oh no, that’s right, the Axe and Crown have used up their timeouts. Oh geez. The clock is ticking… and… Johann has clearly been working out. Wow.
JOHANN
You like?
GUBBIN
Put your damn shirt back on.
STAN
Yeah, give it up, Johann. Shake those hips all you want.
Hugo’s groans of lust were truly mighty.
The crowd is tense as Gubbin tries to get back on track.
JOHANN
There’s more where that came from, if you make this shot… \ No pressure! \
STAN
(softly)
Five seconds, Gubbin…!
Gubbin throws. His shot connects, and cheering erupts.
MUSIC STING
INT. BEDROOM — MORNING
Eff the sparrows. This episode’s complicated enough.
\ Sparrows twitter outside. \
GUBBIN
(grunts)
Oh, my head.
(beat)
The hell am I doing upstairs?
(then)
Oh.
The door opens.
JOHANN
Room service!
GUBBIN
What is all this?
JOHANN
Breakfast in bed for the champion? I know domplinka’s not really a breakfast food, but whatever.
GUBBIN
You bastard.
JOHANN
Yep. Here… hot off the grill.
He feeds Gubbin a bite.
GUBBIN
Ohh. Damn. I will say, I’ve been missing these.
JOHANN
Doesn’t your niece cook?
“The remains” is another very slightly Wodehousey turn of phrase.
GUBBIN
In the sense that she puts food on the stove and then puts the remains on a plate, yeah.
JOHANN
You poor baby.
GUBBIN
The kid could really use some help.
JOHANN
Maybe I can give her some pointers.
GUBBIN
She’d probably appreciate it.
JOHANN
Uh huh. Coffee?
In actual mugs! Which means the Axe & Crown has mugs. And that they’re probably stowed away somewhere safe so they won’t get broken. Or more likely, Stan got them because they’d be nice.
He pours.
GUBBIN
Yeah. You know, sometimes it’s easy to take a good thing for granted.
JOHANN
Yeah, it is.
GUBBIN
This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven or anything.
JOHANN
Didn’t cross my mind.
GUBBIN
So. Working at the Badger and Bucket now, huh?
JOHANN
Well, assuming Dorothea doesn’t fire my ass for losing the tournament.
GUBBIN
What, she hired you just to beat us at siege bowling?
JOHANN
You think Bucket pubs hire cooks for their skill?
GUBBIN
Eh, good point. Well, if she does fire you, you know…
JOHANN
Yeah?
GUBBIN
It’ll serve you right.
JOHANN
(laughs)
Probably.
Gubbin eats another bite.
GUBBIN
All right. Did you lose the game on purpose?
JOHANN
Of course not. The better man won.
GUBBIN
Got that right.
JOHANN
I mean, you always play fair, right, Gubbin?
Online reaction to this scene was basically “AAAA GUBBIN NO” with the occasional “Dammit, they’re actually kind of cute”. I’ll take it.
GUBBIN
Always.
JOHANN
++ (laughs) ++
++ They clink their mugs. ++
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME