The time has come for art… and blood. Plus: find why our characters don’t do out, or about! Here’s our commentary for the final episode of the season.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 12: The Art of War
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Twelve: The Art of War.
INT. BAR — NIGHT
The bar is almost empty. Betula is putting the chairs up. Stan picks one up too.
STAN
Hey Betula. I can help you with those.
BETULA
No, Stan, let me do it. I’m stronger.
STAN
I can lift a chair, geez. What’s the matter?
BETULA
Nothing’s the matter.
(she lowers her voice)
That guy’s creeping me out.
STAN
Which guy?
BETULA
In the far corner? Watching everybody? No, don’t stare.
STAN
Oh, with the little hat! He seemed nice.
BETULA
Stan, you think I’m nice. You think my uncle is nice.
STAN
Yeah! Well, deep down…
BETULA
Guy looks Meyurian. Did he have any kind of accent?
STAN
I dunno. All he said was “A beer.” That was it.
I love Stan and Beltula trying to be all stealthy.
BETULA
Has he moved at all since he came in?
STAN
Nah, he’s just been reading his book.
BETULA
Pretty thin book.
STAN
I guess he’s savouring it?
BETULA
And he hasn’t touched his drink.
STAN
He’s savouring that too.
BETULA
It’s still full to the brim.
STAN
Maybe he doesn’t drink.
BETULA
Well, then, why order one?
STAN
To support our business?
BETULA
Right, because he’s nice.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
Or he doesn’t want to take his eyes off us to go for a pee. Quit looking at him.
STAN
Well, we are talking behind his back.
BETULA
Crap, he’s seen us.
STAN
Yeah, whoops.
(calls)
Hey there, stranger!
BETULA
Stan, shut up!
STAN
Well, it is closing time.
(calls)
Sorry, friend, the bar’s closing. We’re gonna have to kick you out.
MAN
(ominous)
Good night.
The stranger drops some coins on the table, then departs. The door thuds closed behind him.
Stan goes over to the table.
STAN
See, he said good night.
BETULA
I know. So nice.
I added a little clip-clopping sound here as Stan plays with the figurine, to help make it more tangible to the listener. That helps it “read” a bit more clearly when Gubbin sends it flying later.
STAN
Left a good tip, too. Oh, and look! There’s a little carved figurine. Isn’t that cute?
BETULA
What did you say?
STAN
What is this thing? A dog?
BETULA
It’s a message.
STAN
It is? Like, in code? What does it mean?
BETULA
It’s from Arvando Bassi.
STAN
Bassi… Like, your old boss, the art mobster guy?
I had the origami dude from Blade Runner in mind here.
BETULA
Yeah. That guy was one of his, no question. Leaving figurines carved from bone is one of Arvando’s signatures. That’s how you know he’s marked you.
Gubbin tromps through.
STAN
Oh. Oh geez.
BETULA
This is bad. Krispaar nukin, this is bad. I didn’t think he’d follow me all the way here.
GUBBIN
\ Keep it down, you two. Troll’s tryna sleep here. \ ++ Eh, what are you guys up to? ++
STAN
Betula just got a message from her old boss.
BETULA
I’m gonna have to leave town.
STAN
What? No! Leave? Again?
BETULA
If I don’t, you’re all in danger.
GUBBIN
From your wacky little artist friend?
BETULA
He’s serious. He’s coming to deconstruct this place. He even left a bone figurine.
GUBBIN
Wow. That’s terrifying.
BETULA
That’s what he does when he’s marked you for death.
GUBBIN
Yeah, what else does he do? Draw a little frowny face on your door?
\ Gubbin laughs, then stops short as Stan pushes the figurine across the table. \
STAN
What do you think, Gubbin? Is it supposed to be a dog, or a horse, or –
GUBBIN
It’s a goat. A goat. DAMN that little bastard.
He smashes it to pieces with his fist.
STAN
Whoa, whoa, Gubbin! What’s wrong?
GUBBIN
How did he know?
BETULA
Uncle!
GUBBIN
Betula? Did you tell him? How did he know?
BETULA
Know what?
GUBBIN
About… goats.
BETULA
Do humans not know about goats? Stan?
STAN
I’ve seen goats.
GUBBIN
No. This was something from back during the war. That bastard. How did he know?
STAN
(lightly)
What, did you get attacked by goats?
(then)
Wait. You got attacked by goats?
Every once in a blue moon we remember that this was sort of supposed to be a fairy-tale world, sort of.
GUBBIN
Yeah. Commandos. Three of them. Tore our unit to shreds. We lost a lot of good people that day.
STAN
Oh. I’m sorry, Gubbin.
BETULA
That’s Arvando Bassi. Always with the symbolism.
\
STAN
So he’s saying this is a war?
BETULA
Basically.
\
STAN
Is he sending commando goats?
GUBBIN
Ha! Let him try. Let him send dragons and tornadoes for all I care. No one’s losing anybody here. We’re gonna teach these Mellurian hacks a thing or two.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — DAY
I liked bookending the first 12 episodes with Gubbin and the regulars defending the A&C — but having them do so with more purpose and pride the second time around.
High noon. Tense whispers as the regulars nail up boards and rearrange furniture to form a barricade, as they did in Episode 1. This time, however, everyone is stone cold sober.
GUBBIN
All right, everyone. This might be it. This time we’re not dealing with some two-bit property developer.
STAN
Ouch.
GUBBIN
This time our enemy is a truly deadly one. This is a man who’s murdered dozens of his foes and painted the walls with their blood.
BETULA
Canvases, actually. He had a fit if any blood got on the actual walls–
GUBBIN
The point is, he is a ruthless, scheming killer with delusions of artistic merit. But we will not let him win!
A cheer goes up.
STAN
Guys. Hostiles sighted!
The regulars go quiet again. In the distance, the sound of boots on cobblestones.
GUBBIN
How many?
STAN
I count five coming this way.
GUBBIN
How are they armed?
Mentioning the shutters seemed more confusing than just having the sound of them.
STAN
I see swords. And everyone’s got… it looks like slings. \ Glad we shuttered the windows. \
GUBBIN
\ Yeah. Keep ’em closed. \ It could be some kind of incendiary.
BETULA
Nah, that’s something the Magical Demolitionists would do. He’d die before he copied them. Those slings are full of paint.
GUBBIN
You sure?
Arvando may be an artist, but no one said he was tasteful.
BETULA
Gold paint. It’s his favourite. He always said it went so well with the blood of his enemies.
GUBBIN
Well, I’m sure his blood looks just as nice.
STAN
Who does he think he is, redecorating without asking us?
GUBBIN
You’re one to talk.
STAN
Okay, and now it looks like a battering ram.
GUBBIN
Ooh, now we’re getting serious.
(calls)
\ Boiling oil ready? \
BETULA
\ Ready to go, as soon as… no, \ looks like they’re stopping there.
GUBBIN
Just five steps closer…
STAN
No, I think they figured it out.
GUBBIN
C’mon, I dug a tunnel all the way across the street and got it flooded with sewage. Don’t let it be for nothing.
Hurrah! Karim Kronfli joined us from London for our second trans-Atlantic recording session. He’s been in more awesome shows than we can count, and we were overjoyed to have him.
BASSI
Hello! People of the Axe and Crown. I bid you a good afternoon.
GUBBIN
I know one way you could make it a better afternoon.
BASSI
Mister Gubbin, is it not? What a lovely place you have here.
GUBBIN
Save your breath.
In case you were wondering what shade of pink the A&C was — except that it’s going to be gold a few seconds from now.
BASSI
I must say, however, that the colour does not please the eye. Salmon Sunrise is the colour of the weak and stupid.
GUBBIN
Take it up with the queen.
BASSI
I should like to repaint your tavern in gold and red.
BETULA
There it is.
GUBBIN
Get to the point, Bassi.
BASSI
If you insist. I believe you know the whereabouts of an acquaintance of mine. Miss Anna Betula?
GUBBIN
Doesn’t ring a bell.
BASSI
No? About this tall? Greyish blue? Tendency to steal and cheat?
GUBBIN
Sorry, I can’t hear you too well. Can you come a little closer?
BASSI
A little closer? So that we spring your inevitable booby trap?
GUBBIN
(under his breath)
Dammit.
(to Bassi)
What booby trap?
From around the corner comes the squeaking and rumbling of big wooden wheels.
BASSI
\ I understand it’s very much your style. Trickery and low tactics run in the family, it seems. \ Luckily, I have no need to come closer. We brought this, you see…
STAN
What the heck is that?
GUBBIN
\ Catapult. \ It’s a trebuchet.
BETULA
Also loaded with paint. It’s what he did when he laid siege to the Indecisionists’ headquarters.
Wood and ropes creak as Bassi’s goons crank up the catapult.
GUBBIN
Close the shutters!
The regulars do, muffling the sounds from outside.
BASSI
Prenda viso! Tira! (“Take aim! Fire!”)
The whole siege was a ton of work to sound design, but I’m pretty happy with it.
The goons shout with glee as they let fly. A distant whistle, then a huge splat of paint against the wall.
STAN
Oh man, what did they hit?
GUBBIN
Who cares? At least it was just a bag of paint, not a rock.
STAN
Aw man, we’re gonna have to redo the facade… again. And that sale on pink paint is over.
GUBBIN
++ You don’t have a coupon or something? ++
STAN
++ Nothing. ++
A whirling sound, then two smaller paint bombs smack against the shutters.
GUBBIN
That would be the slings, I’m guessing.
STAN
Why can’t people just make nice art?
Bassi’s crew ready another shot.
BASSI
Tira!
The catapult creaks. The shot hits the sign outside, making it creak on its chains.
GUBBIN
Oof. That sounded like the sign.
Stan yanks the shutter open.
STAN
They didn’t!
(leaning out the window)
Now see here, you… you big jerks!
BASSI
A vast improvement. No more of these sad old colours.
STAN
Do you know what this sign means?
BETULA
Stan, quit leaning out the window!
STAN
It’s not just a tavern. That’s the arms of the Second Royal Engineering Battalion –
A volley of paint bombs catch Stan square in the face. He falls out the window with a scream, and lands in the mud.
==
EXT. STREET — CONTINUOUS
Here, for the first time, we venture outside the Axe & Crown itself. We’ve had the occasional voice come from past the doorstep, but the point of view was always firmly indoors.
BETULA
(from the window above)
Stan!
GUBBIN
(from the window)
\ Idiot. \
STAN
Ugh…
BASSI
Well hello. A hostage? For me? Betula, you shouldn’t have.
BETULA
Don’t you touch him.
BASSI
And who might you be?
STAN
I’m Stanway Gerrard. I own the building.
BASSI
Ahhh, of course.
STAN
And you’re an evil stupid head.
BASSI
You fell out of a window. Who is the stupid one?
STAN
Oof. Me, I guess. Although, I gotta say, that was a pretty good distraction, wasn’t it?
BASSI
Distraction…
A group of town guards has snuck up behind Bassi’s crew. ++ They draw swords. ++
A hand as well for our town guards, Jack Pevyhouse and Caleb Del Rio!
GUARDS
Town guard! Freeze! You’re under arrest!
Chaos reigns for a moment. The guards roughly subdue the goons.
STAN
The ELBO District Coalition is pretty uptight about vandalism and graffiti.
Caleb’s ad lib here — there are a couple of other lines buried in the melee too.
GUARD
++ Hey, watch the face. I’ve got a date tonight. ++
SERGEANT
You’re coming with us.
Bassi draws a knife and grabs Stan.
BASSI
Oh, I think not!
STAN
Whoa, whoa! Listen! We can work this out!
BASSI
Everybody, stay right where you are.
(raises his voice)
Except for you, Betula. Where are you, troll?
Why all interiors? It’s easier to disguise an interior (e.g. our studio) as another interior (e.g. the bar) than it is to make an interior sound like the outside. Our ears are very sensitive to the reverberation in a room, which is typically much more subtle and diffuse outdoors — and it’s very tricky, sometimes impossible, to take that out of a recording. On top of that, we’ve got other interiors at play here: the home recording booths where Karim, Jack and Caleb recorded their lines.
The front door creaks open, and Betula emerges.
BETULA
Right here. What do you want?
BASSI
Ah, there you are. How lovely to see you again.
BETULA
How have you been, Arvando? Sold any good paintings lately?
BASSI
You stole from me, Anna Betula Erfydsdottir. You stole something precious and irreplaceable.
BETULA
I stole some cash. It wasn’t even real cash.
BASSI
You know what I refer to.
BETULA
Uhhh. Your dignity? Your trust in your fellow people?
And here Karim really turns it on as (in his words) a “galloping froth job”.
BASSI
My horse, you vile creature.
STAN
Whoa, whoa, careful with the knife.
BETULA
Your… wait, your horse?
BASSI
Do not pretend innocence. You stole Azandia when you ran away.
BETULA
No, I didn’t. Why would I do that?
BASSI
To make your escape. She was the fastest racehorse in the kingdom.
BETULA
She wouldn’t be too fast with a troll riding her.
BASSI
Well, what did you do with her? By the gods — you didn’t… eat her?
BETULA
No, I didn’t eat her. Arvando — you really don’t know what happened to Azandia?
BASSI
What did happen?
BETULA
With this gang war going on, your family’s this close to broke. Your father sold her to some duke from Vanyaco. I dunno — I guess he didn’t want to admit it to you, so he blamed it on me?
BASSI
You lie!
He grips Stan more tightly.
STAN
Ack!
BETULA
Seriously? No one told you?
BASSI
(world changing)
No.
BETULA
C’mon guys, back me up. Miguel, you used to take care of Azandia. Did I steal her or did Pops sell her?
MIGUEL
I — I am not supposed to say.
BASSI
Miguel!
BETULA
I’ll tell you, she’s probably safer in Vanyaco.
STAN
She’s got a point. Can we all be friends now?
BASSI
You’re telling me my father lied to me. He betrayed me.
STAN
Friendly friends?
BETULA
Yup. I just borrowed a bit of cash.
BASSI
And abandoned me! When I needed you most!
BETULA
When you “needed” me to help you knock off one of your rivals.
BASSI
Who then made his escape! It would have been a masterpiece!
BETULA
Oh well. There’s always the next idea. Can you let go of my friend now?
STAN
Yes please!
BASSI
No… I still have a thirst.
STAN
Well, why don’t you come in and have a nice pint of –
BASSI
A thirst for art. And blood.
STAN
Right. Okay. We don’t have those.
BASSI
You, Mister Stan. I shall paint your portrait and hang it in a special place of –
BETULA
You still on that blood portraits thing? Gods, get a new gimmick.
BASSI
It is not a gimmick!
STAN
Gack!
BETULA
It’s not even original. Sanguino da Laroncie did blood portraits. Hell, Claudia the Second was doing it a hundred years ago.
As with Episode 4, I wanted to make the gangsters a credible threat but not turn the episode too dark — and I especially didn’t want our heroes to do anything too violent to stop them. And once again, I turned to art.
BASSI
Yes, well, my work is in dialogue with the art of past eras…
BETULA
Your work is a direct copy. Right down to those big splatters. Here we are in a different country and you can’t even come up with any new ideas? Come on.
Moral: don’t taunt an artist.
BASSI
Don’t rush me!
BETULA
(realizing it’s backfired)
No, wait, wait!
Sorry, Stan — you are in fact Art.
STAN
Betulaaa! I don’t want to be art.
BASSI
Oh, trust me, you will be glorious.
(growls)
As soon as I figure out what to do with you.
BETULA
Arvando, look at me…
BASSI
Something new. I can do something new! I shall act on pure instinct!
BETULA
Arvando! It’s me you had a problem with, not Stan. Where’s the satisfaction painting with his blood?
STAN
Yeah, listen… Mister Bassi? I may not be an artist, but I have tons of friends who are.
BASSI
And?
STAN
And… I think you just have to give yourself a break. You don’t always have to be creating.
BASSI
Yes, I do!
Art took this and ran with it — a mile a minute, in tiny, dizzying circles.
STAN
Treat this trip abroad like a vacation. Or a spiritual journey, even! Take in the sights. Meet new people. Enjoy scenic Mud Street! Go up to the cape and watch the dragons frolicking in the waves.
BASSI
Hmm. Go on.
STAN
I mean, look at that sky.
BASSI
What about it?
STAN
Really look at it!
BASSI
I am looking. What is — oof!
Betula downs him with one punch. He drops his blade and grunts as he slumps to the ground.
STAN
Nice one, Betula!
BETULA
Thanks. You okay?
STAN
Yeah! That was very educational and strenuous. I think I’m going to have a little lie down too.
This was maybe a little cheap, writing-wise. In hindsight, we feel like we missed an opportunity for a more satisfying character moment or two, but ah well. We’ll get more chances when we do the next season!
BETULA
Watch your step. Watch your step!
STAN
I’m okay! I’m just a little tired — augh!
The ground gives way and he falls into a trough of muck.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — NIGHT
The regulars are in a jubilant mood. Gubbin and Stan are pouring drinks.
GUBBIN
Oh, you should have seen it. It was a glorious moment. Stan just went “I’m okay, I’m okay — whoops!” Splash! Right in the muck.
The crowd laughs.
STAN
Ha ha. Yeah, that’s a great story. So… Gubbin. We all chipped in and made you a little something.
GUBBIN
Made me what?
STAN
Just a present. From all of us.
GUBBIN
Oh… fine. What is it?
STAN
All right! Close your eyes.
GUBBIN
Why?
STAN
Because. It’s a surprise.
GUBBIN
I hate surprises.
BETULA
(serious)
C’mon, Uncle. Stan worked hard on this. Don’t spoil the moment.
STAN
I thought we should give you something to show our appreciation of you as an awesome bartender, tavern-keeper and friend.
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah.
(actually touched)
Thanks, you guys.
STAN
Isn’t that right, everybody!
GUBBIN
Okay, get on with it. I ain’t closing my eyes.
STAN
It’s okay. You don’t have to. It’s in the kitchen.
GUBBIN
What is? Betula, don’t tell me you cooked something.
BETULA
I’m telling you nothing.
GUBBIN
All right, all right.
He steps toward the door.
STAN
Betula and me and all your friends, we decided to give you… the night off!
Pause.
GUBBIN
That’s it?
STAN
Uh… wait, no, something should have happened…
GUBBIN
What?
STAN
Hmm. We moved the trigger under one of these floorboards…
GUBBIN
The trigger… oh no.
STAN
Whoaaa!
The kitchen booby trap springs and hauls Gubbin and Stan into the air. Ropes creak. The crowd roars with laughter.
GUBBIN
You guys!
STAN
Okay, that wasn’t quite how it was supposed to happen! But… the booby trap worked, so… yay?
GUBBIN
Stan, was this your idea?
STAN
Maybe? Hey, one day you’ll look back at this and laugh!
GUBBIN
And in the meantime…
He strains at the ropes.
We moved these lines to the end — and threw in a few choice outtakes, of course.
STAN
\ Ugh! Gubbin, you’re squishing me! No fair! You’re bigger! \
GUBBIN
\ Just getting comfy. \
BETULA
To Gubbin! And Stan!
ALL
\ To Gubbin and Stan! \
Tankards clink.
GUBBIN
Ha ha. You’re all going to regret this!
BETULA
All right, everybody. Drinks are on the house!
The crowd cheers.
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME
OUTTAKE
++ Gubbin and Stan are still stuck, while the party goes on around them. ++
STAN
++ Ow. Ow. Gubbin, you’re squishing me. It’s no fair — you’re bigger than me. ++
GUBBIN
++ I’m just getting comfy. ++
STAN
++ I never knew you had a tattoo. ++
GUBBIN
++ Eh, not many people see that in the light of day. ++
STAN
++ It’s a new angle… ++