On to Episode Two, where things really start rolling. The opening to this is one of the first bits of The Axe & Crown I wrote, while attending the Writing Excuses Retreat in 2015. Fuelled by mediocre coffee in a cruise ship pizzeria in the wee hours of the morning, I pounded out the first few solid episode drafts.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 2: Small Change
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Two: Small Change.
INT. BAR — MORNING
The bar is empty except for Gubbin. Stan comes downstairs.
Sean and I created The Axe & Crown to be simpler to produce — hence the smaller core cast, single interior location, not much sound design. The “not much sound design” part kind of got away from me, but it’s definitely far quicker to produce than Alba. And it’s taught me tons about economy in writing.
STAN
Hey Gubbin! You awake there? You look like you had a rough night.
GUBBIN
Is it morning?
STAN
Bright and not-so-early. Did you actually fall asleep at the bar?
GUBBIN
Who are you again?
STAN
I’m Stan. Your new landlord?
GUBBIN
Oh no.
STAN
Yeah, remember yesterday? With the swords and everything? You guys really had me going there. And then after that — oh man, what a party. All those drinking games, and Pin the Tail on the Landlord! That was a riot. Although slightly painful.
GUBBIN
Mmnh.
STAN
Your patrons, Gubbin, they just kill me.
GUBBIN
Tell ’em to hurry up with that.
STAN
So anyways, listen. I got one word for you.
GUBBIN
Yeah. What.
STAN
Patio.
GUBBIN
Huh?
STAN
Pa-ti‑o.
GUBBIN
That’s three.
One of the early inspirations for A&C was Black Books. This exchange has a definite Bernard-and-Manny vibe.
STAN
Three what?
GUBBIN
Words.
STAN
No, one word. Three syllables.
GUBBIN
Make sense, man.
STAN
Syllables. They’re like words, only shorter.
GUBBIN
Right. Good idea. Stick with those.
STAN
So yeah. Patio! We should have one!
GUBBIN
We who?
STAN
Whee hoo!
GUBBIN
Stop that. Who’s “we?”
STAN
Us! Partners, remember?
GUBBIN
I do not.
STAN
You run the bar, I own the building, that kinda makes us partners, yeah?
GUBBIN
That makes you the landlord, and me the guy that runs the bar.
Yeah, we considered throwing in a “where everybody knows your name!” as well, but it seemed too obvious.
STAN
This is so cool. I’ve always wanted to have a tavern. A beacon for the weary traveler. A place where friends meet and greet. Where good times are had and spirits run high. A place with a patio!
GUBBIN
There’s that word again.
STAN
Yeah. They got onae at this swanky coffee shop just the other side of the big bridge. It’s on the the edge of the market square, so you can have some lemon seed cake and espresso while you watch the world go by…
GUBBIN
So let’s put in a patio here, so everyone can, what, gaze upon the beautiful cracks and stains on the wall across the street?
STAN
You could probably put up plants and things, some nice flowers. I don’t think the lemon seed cake is a must, but man, the espresso…
GUBBIN
Stan.
STAN
Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Do you know where the name Mud Street comes from?
STAN
Well, yeah, it’s ’cause of the mud, right? Or is there some secret meaning? Does it stand for… Magnificent Urban Destination?
GUBBIN
It’s because of the mud.
STAN
I knew it.
GUBBIN
How would you describe the smell of the mud in Mud Street?
STAN
Uh, it’s kind of an earthy… it’s a rich, intricate aroma, dark, with a strong note of, of…
Poop joke quota: met.
GUBBIN
Poop.
STAN
Yeah, poop.
GUBBIN
That go well with lemon seed cake?
STAN
Not exactly. Okay, no patio. Heck with the patio. Here’s one for ya: theme nights.
GUBBIN
Don’t you have somewhere to be? Some kind of job or something?
STAN
So let’s see, next on the list…
GUBBIN
What’s this list?
STAN
Of improvements. To the Axe and Crown. Ready?
GUBBIN
Why does the Axe and Crown need improving?
STAN
Number one: the beds. I crashed in a vacant room last night and when I woke up, man, I hurt all over.
Yup, so much for deadpan Gubbin. Hugo’s ad-libs left me crying with laughter in the studio.
GUBBIN
That’s what you get for playing Pin The Tail On The Landlord. ++Boy, did you squeal!++
STAN
Well, that might be a factor. But we really do need new bedding.
GUBBIN
The bedding is new.
STAN
It’s like straw.
GUBBIN
It is. It’s new straw.
STAN
We could switch to down, or wool or something.
GUBBIN
Sure. Let’s do that for all of our luxury suites.
STAN
Whoa! Which ones are the luxury suites?
GUBBIN
None of them. None of them are luxury suites.
STAN
Wouldn’t that be a great idea though? You’d get premium rents… I gotta add that to the list.
He scribbles on his paper.
GUBBIN
Once again, I think you’re forgetting what neighbourhood you’re in.
STAN
Okay. Here’s another idea — small effort, big impact. Clean the windows!
GUBBIN
Why.
STAN
It’s so dark in here.
Gubbin sleeps behind the bar most nights.
GUBBIN
That’s the idea. It’s a tavern. It’s dark. How else am I supposed to sleep?
STAN
We’ll put up curtains.
GUBBIN
Curtains get dusty.
STAN
And windows get dirty. We can hire someone to clean ’em both.
GUBBIN
You said you liked the Axe and Crown for its authenticity.
STAN
Absolutely!
GUBBIN
How’s that fit with changing everything about it?
STAN
Seriously? Curtains are gonna ruin the authenticity?
GUBBIN
Next you’re gonna say change the name.
STAN
Well…
GUBBIN
(sighs)
STAN
It’s just… you know, a little militaristic.
GUBBIN
What was your first clue? The fact our sign is a shield with a weapon painted on it?
STAN
Yeah, but… “The Axe and Crown”. Not really very comfy or welcoming.
GUBBIN
As opposed to what?
True fact: top contenders for oldest pub in England include Ye Olde Salutation Inn and Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem.
STAN
I dunno, the Rover’s Roost. Or the Ship and Anchor, that’s got some seafaring kinda… “arrrr!” Wait! How about this: “The Troll’s Den”.
GUBBIN
I’m a troll, not a bear.
STAN
“The Troll’s Treasure”.
Hugo casually expands our story world a little.
GUBBIN
Trolls don’t do treasure. ++ That’s leprechauns.++
STAN
Right! The treasure… is your tavern. Your patrons!
GUBBIN
Why do you want to change the name?
STAN
Well, the sign’s falling to bits… it seems like a good moment to start fresh. I know a couple of sign painters who used to work for my father. I bet they could do an awesome new sign for you. What do you think?
GUBBIN
You know where the Axe and the Crown come from?
STAN
No! Enlighten me.
GUBBIN
They’re from the arms of our regiment. Second Royal Engineering Battalion.
STAN
You were in the army? Like, our army? I didn’t think they had any trolls.
GUBBIN
Yeah, a few. Mostly doing the dangerous stuff. You wanted something built or blown up or booby trapped, the Second, we were your go-to team.
I did not expect that our silly little spinoff show would end up having so many serious moments.
STAN
Wait, the Second? The Battle of Whipsaw Gap… that was you guys.
GUBBIN
You’ve heard of it.
STAN
Yeah, I mean I was just little when it happened, but… oh man. You guys are kinda like heroes.
GUBBIN
Eh. We got sent in to do a job. We did it.
STAN
Still.
GUBBIN
Anyway. Old Noreena ran this place before me. Her brother was in the Second with us. After the war, the old gang used to come around here, have a pint, help her out. She’s the one called it the Axe and Crown.
STAN
Gotcha.
GUBBIN
So the name stays.
STAN
Oh yeah, no, definitely. Axe and Crown all the way.
GUBBIN
Mm hmm.
When I started doing sound design for Alba, I’d done some work in the past for radio and theatre, and thought I’d have the most fun making the sounds of magic spells and strange creatures. Turns out my favourite part of sound design is the most mundane foley work, matching an actor’s performance as their character slaps down a coin or picks up a piece of paper — or in this case, as Stan fidgets and pats the bar with his palm.
An awkward pause. Stan looks around for something else to talk about.
STAN
So! Uh, this must be the bar.
GUBBIN
No, it’s a wall that’s lying down on the job. Don’t touch those.
STAN
\ This is where you pour the beers, huh?\ I always thought I’d make a great bartender. “Here you go, my friend. That’ll be three shillings and sixpence.”
GUBBIN
Three and six! What kind of place you think I’m running?
Don’t ask me to explain how coinage works in Farloria. All I know is that there are at least half a dozen kinds of coin — see Alba Episode Five — plus a couple Mellurian ones.
Stan wanders around the room and tries the kitchen door. It’s locked.
STAN
Ahh, I love it. What’s in here? The kitchen?
GUBBIN
(sharply)
Don’t. Kitchen’s off limits.
STAN
Why, what’s in there?
GUBBIN
It’s been condemned. We had a fire.
STAN
Oh no! How bad is it?
GUBBIN
You don’t want to know.
STAN
Well, we need to fix that up right away! Start serving food again.
GUBBIN
I’m running the bar. I don’t have time to cook.
STAN
Sure. So get a cook.
GUBBIN
I had one.
STAN
And?
GUBBIN
He… left.
STAN
So let’s get another!
GUBBIN
I’m not paying more damn people.
STAN
Hey, we could have some kind of signature dish. Whaddya think? Something unique that says “Axe and Crown”.
GUBBIN
Like what, field rations?
STAN
Yeah! Now you’re talking. Are those good?
Stan ducks through another doorway.
STAN (CONT’D)
Aw, Gubbin, I love this back room! You know what it needs, is a stage along the far wall…
GUBBIN
Stage!
STAN
Yeah! This place would make a great music venue.
GUBBIN
No. No musicians. Not since that guy with the whistle.
Stan returns to the bar.
STAN
What guy? ++Guy with a whistle?++
And folk-tale reference quota: met.
GUBBIN
Some guy said he could charm all the cockroaches in the building and lead ’em away. Played this whistle was supposed to sound exactly like a cockroach mating call.
STAN
But it didn’t?
GUBBIN
Oh, it did. He had the mating call down to a T. Then he joined a poker game, got caught cheating and ran off before he could get to the “leading them away” part. So what do you think we ended up with?
STAN
More cockroaches?
GUBBIN
Ten times as many cockroaches. And an earache.
STAN
Never mind that. Listen, some buddies of mine are in a band. They play jigs and country dances, really great tunes.
GUBBIN
Spare me. I can’t stand all that fol-de-rol and diddly-day stuff.
STAN
That’s the best part!
GUBBIN
Those aren’t words. That’s just making sounds.
STAN
Yeah, sounds have no place in music.
GUBBIN
Who wants to listen to music when they’re trying to have a beer?
STAN
The Broken Bell, up by the College, they got music every night. People love it. The bartenders there are busy from sundown until last call!
GUBBIN
I got enough things to take care of without having to serve a hundred beers in a night.
STAN
You won’t need to! If we start bringing in those kind of crowds, we can afford to hire more staff.
GUBBIN
(muttering)
Musicians.
STAN
We can start doing shows one or two nights a week…
GUBBIN
NO MUSIC.
STAN
Poetry, maybe? The Broken Bell –
GUBBIN
The Broken Bell can keep all their damn music and poetry.
STAN
No romantic spirit, that’s your problem!
GUBBIN
None whatsoever.
STAN
Gubbin, there must be something you want to do with this place. If you could change just one thing about this bar, what would it be?
GUBBIN
Just one thing?
STAN
Yeah!
GUBBIN
Let me think. Wait, I got it.
STAN
Yeah? What?
Gubbin rises and grabs Stan by the collar.
STAN (CONT’D)
Hey, hey! This is my good coat.
Hugo added the little “dum de dum”. The image of Gubbin bouncing Stan up and down as he marches him to the door is just precious.
GUBBIN
++Oh! You are a little fella.++
STAN
Listen, what about upstairs? You could renovate the rooms, make ’em nice and — aaack!
Gubbin tosses Stan out and slams the door behind him.
GUBBIN
(sighs)
Yeah. Much better.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — EVENING
Moderate crowd.
GUBBIN
You want a refill there, \ Zane?\ ++Rosina?++
We gave all Zane’s lines to Rosina here, to bring Marisa into the episode — and because otherwise it would have been just dudes talking the whole damn time.
ZANE
Sure. I like the new curtains, by the way.
GUBBIN
Really?
He pours Zane a beer.
ZANE
Yeah, they give this room a cozy kinda feeling. It’s nice.
GUBBIN
If you say so. There you are.
ZANE
Thanks, Gubbin.
Zane heads back to the far corner.
STAN
See? Everyone likes the curtains.
GUBBIN
Three people doesn’t equal “everyone”.
STAN
Have you heard anyone say they don’t like them?
GUBBIN
Fine. Your curtains can stay.
STAN
Woo hoo!
GUBBIN
Especially since the windows are all clear now.
STAN
Heaven forbid. You might actually be able to see what’s outside.
ZANE
(from afar)
Hey Stan! Tommy doesn’t believe you can fit a hundred and forty peanuts in your mouth.
GUBBIN
Sounds like your services are required.
ZANE
Hey Stan!
STAN
Be right there!
(to Gubbin, as he crosses the room)
You like the curtains, just wait till you see the new sign.
GUBBIN
Hang on. What new sign?
STAN
It’s already up!
GUBBIN
There better not be a ship on it!
STAN
Okay, guys. I’m ready!
Excited shouts from Zane and company. They start counting: “One! Two! Three!” and continue throughout.
Gubbin pulls the curtain.
GUBBIN
(under his breath)
I don’t believe it. Stan, you little bastard.
The outside door opens and several musicians enter.
I didn’t intend to voice so many bit parts, but that’s how it is when you’re keeping your cast small. In the second series (Episodes 7 to 12) we’re bringing in a few more actors.
LUCKY
…yeah, everybody said it was a dump, but Rosie told me they finally started fixing the place up a bit. Hey! You Gubbin?
GUBBIN
That’s me.
LUCKY
Nice to meet ya. I’m Lucky. That a new sign out front? Looks good.
GUBBIN
Yeah. It’s not bad. Hell… it’s kinda beautiful.
LUCKY
“The Axe and Crown”. That got anything to do with the old Second Engineers?
GUBBIN
It is, yeah.
LUCKY
Heroes, man. I grew up in Little Moose Valley. Mom and Dad always said those guys literally saved our town.
GUBBIN
Yeah, they did okay. So. What can I get you folks?
LUCKY
Ale for me. Yeah? Four ales, if you please!
GUBBIN
Comin’ up. You from out of town?
LUCKY
Hmm? Oh, the cases? Nah, these are our instruments. We’re the band!
Lou? Lucky. Anyways — we were moving house when I did the foley for this, and I couldn’t get anything properly lute-like in time.
Lou snaps open a case and strums on a lute.
GUBBIN
The band…
LUCKY
Yeah, didn’t your guy Stan tell you? We’re playing tonight. We’re called the Retching Rogues.
GUBBIN
You’re musicians.
LUCKY
That’s right!
++They retch.++
GUBBIN
STAN!!
The crowd stops counting; sounds of disappointment. A hush falls.
STAN
(approaching, mouth full)
Yeah, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
(beat)
Show these rogues to the back room and help ’em set up.
For the theme tune, I wanted a hint of a military feel — hence the snare drum and pipes — but crossed with a sort of slacker vibe, along the lines of “Loser” by Beck. There’s a bit of Camper Van Beethoven to it too, not to mention Rare Air, who were were doing bagpipe rock back in the ’80s.
STAN
You got it, boss.
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME