I learned some lessons from the first season of Alba, one of which was to take it easy with introducing characters all at once. So we started with Gubbin and Stan, and brought in Betula in this episode.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 3: Trølsig for Beginners
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Three: Trølsig for Beginners.
INT. BAR — NIGHT
It’s late, and the bar is quiet.
STAN
Hey Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Yeah.
STAN
Teach me how to say something in troll.
GUBBIN
In “troll”.
STAN
Yeah.
GUBBIN
I assume you mean Trølsig.
STAN
That’s what I said. You’re a troll, right?
GUBBIN
You trying to be funny?
After I wrote the “no such word” joke, I thought I’d better double check, and sure enough, Star Trek had made a similar joke about Klingon. So I took it a step further at the end with “Trolls do so say hello!”.
STAN
C’mon. Teach me something in “Trollsig”. How do you say “hello”?
GUBBIN
You don’t.
STAN
Aw, c’mon, Gub.
GUBBIN
There’s no such word in high Trølsig.
STAN
There’s gotta be.
GUBBIN
Doesn’t exist.
STAN
Well, what do you say, then?
GUBBIN
Nothing. Just talk. ’S how trolls are.
STAN
No hello, just start talking.
GUBBIN
Or not. You got nothing to say, you say nothing. It’s better that way. Why the sudden interest?
STAN
Just curious.
GUBBIN
Uh huh?
STAN
Y’know, like… Well, say I was to meet a lady troll.
GUBBIN
So that’s what this is about.
STAN
No, no, not like that. Okay, like that.
GUBBIN
You could not handle a troll.
STAN
Gubbin, you underestimate me. Sure I’m not exactly a side o’ beef…
Here’s where my original mental picture of stony-faced, deadpan Gubbin got utterly demolished by Hugo’s vigorous, uproarious performance.
GUBBIN
You’d snap like a twig. ++You and a troll!++
STAN
It’s just, things are a little quiet on the romantic side…
GUBBIN
So you scared off the entire human population.
STAN
I’m just thinking, maybe I should cast the net a little wider.
GUBBIN
Trolls, though.
We’ll get back to pixies eventually.
STAN
++Yeah!++
GUBBIN
++Start small. Like, a pixie, man!++
We don’t get to spend much time Stan before he falls for Betula, but I’ve always felt there was a bit of the Bingo Little about him — Bertie Wooster’s friend, you know, from the Jeeves stories — forever falling in love with a young lady, then having his dreams dashed upon the rocks, before being swept away once again.
STAN
Yeah! Troll women are solid, and forthright, and hard-working. They’re not flimsy and flighty like human girls.
GUBBIN
You ever actually met a troll woman?
STAN
Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, I’ve totally… seen… one.
GUBBIN
Yeah, see, Farloria’s not exactly a hot destination for trolls.
STAN
Yeah, why is that, anyway?
GUBBIN
Dunno. Could be folks here don’t seem to like us very much.
STAN
I like trolls.
GUBBIN
Well, unfortunately for you, there are no eligible troll women in this town.
STAN
Unfortunately for me! What about you?
GUBBIN
I deal.
STAN
What if one did come to town?
GUBBIN
Come to this town, she’d have to be dumb as a plank.
STAN
I dunno, you might change your tune if you met her…
GUBBIN
Met who?
STAN
No one. Just a hypothetical troll lady.
Yes, this was borrowed and mangled slightly from Ikea, who sell a line of comforters called Hönsbär.
GUBBIN
Well, maybe if you close your eyes and pray real hard to Hönsflär.
STAN
Pray to who?
GUBBIN
Hönsflär Nüuki, the love goddess.
STAN
Would that work?
GUBBIN
You can try.
STAN
So say I did that, and I happened to meet a troll of the female persuasion. What would I say to her?
GUBBIN
What would you say? Mm, probably “Oh, hi there, pretty lady! No, put me down! Help! Gaaagk!”
(he mimics squishing noises)
STAN
Hilarious.
GUBBIN
That’s you getting squished into the ground.
STAN
Yeah, I got that.
GUBBIN
By the pretty lady troll.
STAN
Yeah.
GUBBIN
Oops! Gonna need a mop now.
STAN
Why you so down on troll-human romance, Gub?
GUBBIN
Dunno. Maybe I’m just skeptical of humans that think they’re into trolls.
STAN
Well, ouch. Waaait. Something happened, didn’t it? You had your heart broken.
(beat)
Yeah, see, your stony silence speaks volumes.
GUBBIN
If I say nothing, it’s ’cause I got nothing to say.
STAN
You were in love with a human lady.
GUBBIN
I was not, actually.
STAN
Yeah, you were. Look at you. So, was she pretty? What was her name?
GUBBIN
Give it up, Stan.
STAN
What was her name?
I have had this conversation. Well, a slightly less grumpy version.
GUBBIN
(snaps)
Johann.
STAN
Yeah, very funny.
(beat)
Really? Really!
GUBBIN
I’m about done talking.
STAN
I was right though, wasn’t I? Did he break your heart?
GUBBIN
Eh.
STAN
Wow. You and a human dude.
GUBBIN
You done?
STAN
I’m just trying to picture it.
GUBBIN
Yeah, well, you keep picturing out loud, I might have to put your head through the top of this bar. So I suggest you change the subject.
STAN
How about teaching me some troll? Sig? Trollsig?
GUBBIN
Fine. Stan, if you ever meet a troll woman, and she doesn’t beat you into porridge, I’ll teach you some Trølsig.
STAN
Really?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Sure.
STAN
Aw. You’re a pal.
GUBBIN
I’m not your pal.
STAN
You’re my pal, Gubbin, and you’re gonna teach me high Trollski. ‘Cause I just met one.
GUBBIN
What!
STAN
Yeah, on the way here tonight. She was getting off a ship down at the quay.
GUBBIN
A troll, here in town?
STAN
Yeah.
GUBBIN
What’d she look like?
We joke about Betula’s size, but rest assured it’ll never be at her expense.
STAN
Uh, tall. Wide. Broad. Wait, is broad this way or this way?
GUBBIN
Blue or grey?
STAN
Sort of a bluey grey? Well, same colour as you, pretty much.
GUBBIN
Northerner, then.
STAN
Someone you know?
GUBBIN
Hard to say. You get her name?
STAN
No, I don’t speak troll! But here’s the thing: I overheard her asking for directions to the Lower Bank. She could be coming here!
GUBBIN
Thought you didn’t speak troll.
She was speaking Farlorian, I guess? It would have felt weird if Stan had said “English” in a fantasy world where there’s no England.
STAN
Well, no, she was speaking… I guess I could have asked her name, eh.
GUBBIN
It’s a thought.
The outside door opens.
STAN
By all the gods.
GUBBIN
Oh no. This is your mystery troll woman?
“Just mangle the pronunciation,” I told Art. He did so.
STAN
Yes!
(whispers)
Thank you, Honsflar Nukie!
GUBBIN
What the hell is she doing here?
Betula shuts the door and hauls her trunk over.
STAN
Quick, Gubbin, how do I say, uh… “You are a queen among women”?
GUBBIN
Oh, kid, you don’t know what you’re getting into.
STAN
(clears his throat)
Welcome, madame, to the Axe and Crown! My name’s Stan, and may I introduce my friend Gubbin, the proprietor…
Betula was originally going to have more of an accent, and speak more Trølsig:
GUBBIN
Onkel?
(then)
Anna Betula?
BETULA
(indignant)
Ja, is me!
GUBBIN
It’s been years… Vat in frugenik yu is du heer?
STAN
Is that Trollsig? What does it mean?
BETULA
Nein goss yu mein posti?
GUBBIN
Posti?
STAN
What’s “postie”?
BETULA
Sent im yu fier, fife wiek past.
GUBBIN
Posti…
Gubbin rummages through stacks of paper. He finds an envelope and opens it.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
This it?
BETULA
Ja, ja! Dass mein posti.
STAN
I get it. You sent him a letter! A “postie”! See, I can learn troll.
BETULA
I know who he is. Vell, Onkel? Seyen summat. (“Well, Uncle? Say something.”)
STAN
Uncle?
GUBBIN
Anna Betula. Vat in alfa hels yu is du heer? (“What the hell are you doing here?”)
BETULA
Guten seen yu also. (“Oh, nice to see you too.”)
STAN
Is that Trollsig? What does it mean?
BETULA
Thess vierd vee mannen, hu is? (“Who’s this weird little man?”)
GUBBIN
Don’t ask.
STAN
Hi! My name’s Stan. I own the building.
BETULA
Ah. Nice to meet you. I’m Betula.
STAN
Betula! So what brings you to town?
BETULA
I was just passing through and thought I’d say hello.
STAN
Aha! I knew it.
BETULA
What?
STAN
Gubbin…
GUBBIN
What?
STAN
Trolls do so say hello.
GUBBIN
(sighs)
BETULA
Yeah. Just heading up along the coast, and thought I’d stop by and see my good old uncle…
GUBBIN
Ha. That’s nice. Well, been good seeing you.
BETULA
Oh, come on. I thought I’d stay the night at least.
GUBBIN
There’s a couple places a bit further down the riverside that might have rooms for cheap.
BETULA
What about here? You don’t have a room for your favourite niece?
STAN
Yeah, Gubbin. Don’t you have a –
GUBBIN
No vacancies.
BETULA
C’mon, what’s the problem? Is this because of that whole thing between you and Mama?
GUBBIN
Nah, what are you talking about? We’re just full up.
STAN
We’ve got loads of vacancies, Gubbin. You want your favourite niece to have to sleep under a bridge or something?
GUBBIN
++Oh, you didn’t go there.++
STAN
(beat)
Oh, sorry, I totally didn’t mean… ’cause you’re a troll and… bridges… oh man.
BETULA
It’s fine. Uncle, do you have a room for me or not?
GUBBIN
(considers)
Cash up front.
STAN
Gubbin…
BETULA
No, it’s fine. Here.
She slides a coin across the bar.
GUBBIN
That’s Mellurian money.
BETULA
I know.
GUBBIN
Yeah, well, dunno if you noticed, but this ain’t Melluria.
BETULA
I just got off a boat. I haven’t had time to change my money.
STAN
I’ll take care of it! I can change it when I’m at the bank tomorrow.
BETULA
Yeah, see?
GUBBIN
Fine. Here.
Our poor dog has to put up with us foleying a lot of strange noises for this show. Quite reasonably, she interpreted jingling keys as “time for walkies” and came bounding downstairs.
He gives Stan the coin and turns away to fetch a key.
STAN
If you like, I can take the rest of your cash too.
BETULA
No! No, that’s fine.
STAN
You sure? I’m a customer there, so I get a preferred rate…
BETULA
I can do it myself.
STAN
Okay. But for sure don’t take it to those jerks by the market. They’ll totally rip you off. Always go to the bank.
BETULA
Sure…
GUBBIN
Here’s your key. Top floor, first door on the right.
STAN
Top floor? Why don’t we give her one of the renovated rooms?
(to Betula)
I finally talked Gubbin into fixing up some of the rooms here. Most of them didn’t even have beds!
GUBBIN
Eh, fine. Here. Second floor at the end.
He hands her a different key.
BETULA
Tanke heeps, Onkel.
I am a little bit proud of this line.
GUBBIN
Ya, vatevs.
She hefts her trunk and makes for the stairs.
STAN
Oh, let me help you with your trunk, too! Just gimme a second.
(softly)
Hey, Gubbin…!
GUBBIN
What.
STAN
You promised… Teach me some words in troll. C’mon. Just a couple.
GUBBIN
(sighs)
Vel tyervet. [tYER-vet]
STAN
Vel… what?
GUBBIN
“Vel tyervet.” Means welcome.
STAN
Nice.
(he saunters over)
Hey Betula! I just wanted to say… vel chervit!
BETULA
Oh! Uh, tanke müklet. You speak Trølsig?
STAN
Not really. But I’m learning!
BETULA
(amused)
That’s very… strange of you.
STAN
Oh, it’s nothing.
BETULA
And your accent is terrible.
STAN
I know. Maybe you can help me!
BETULA
Sure.
STAN
And hey, if you want, I can show you around Grandville! ‘Cause not only am I the owner here, I’m also the Axe and Crown’s official tour guide.
BETULA
Really.
STAN
Yup! There’s lots to see here. Great markets, classic Farlorian architecture… oh, and there’s a brand new art gallery too. Do you like art?
Originally, Betula was a nice, honest girl, if a little bit cagey, which made it weird that Gubbin would complain so much about her presence. So I wrote her thinking that Stan might be connected to some old mob “friends” — and suddenly she had a past that could come back to haunt her in later stories (Episode 4, if you’re counting… and maybe another story down the line too).
BETULA
(suddenly icy)
Why do you ask?
STAN
I dunno, I thought you might be interested in doing something cultural –
His words are choked off as Betula grabs him.
BETULA
Who sent you?
STAN
(strangled)
Sent… me…?
BETULA
Was it Arvando? What do you know about art?
STAN
Not much? Do you not like art?
BETULA
You’re not with the Bassis?
STAN
What’s a Bassi? May I please be allowed to breathe? Please and thank you?
Betula lets go. Stan wheezes.
BETULA
You don’t know Arvando Bassi?
STAN
No… Should I?
BETULA
Never mind.
STAN
Okay. So no gallery, cool. Uhh… do you like music?
BETULA
Sorry about that. I thought you were someone else.
STAN
Nope, just me. Hi!
BETULA
Good. That’s good. Hi.
(beat)
I’m gonna take my trunk upstairs now.
I broke my usual no-footsteps rule here, since Betula’s so much bigger and presumably louder. It’s also setup for using them in the climax of Episode 6.
Betula hefts her trunk again. Her heavy footsteps ascend the creaky stairs.
STAN
Sure! Can I help you with… uh… no, I guess you got it. Wow.
BETULA
Good night, Stan.
STAN
Good night, Betula!
GUBBIN
++Smooth move, Stan.++
STAN
++What?++
GUBBIN
Did I call it or did I call it?
STAN
Call what?
GUBBIN
She just about snapped your neck there.
STAN
Aw, she just mistook me for someone else.
(beat)
How do you say “I love you” in troll?
GUBBIN
You don’t.
STAN
Maybe you don’t. But there’s gotta be a word for it.
GUBBIN
Good night, Stan.
STAN
Night, Gubbin.
And there you have it — a one-scene, three-person episode. Producer Sean was very happy.
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME