It’s another three-hander, with just Betula, Stan and Gubbin. And a few booby traps. I’m fond of this one — partly it’s the art jokes, partly it’s the sound design, and partly it’s the way it plays with the format just a little… the surprise opening, for example.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 4: The Artful Dodger
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Four: The Artful Dodger.
INT. BAR — MORNING
The opening theme is rudely interrupted by the sound of twanging ropes, grinding wooden gears, and Betula’s holler of surprise as she’s caught in a booby trap and hauled off her feet.
BETULA
(winded, swearing)
Kakuten vilimat kruufen giss!
Ropes creak as she struggles, dangling upside down. Nothing.
BETULA (CONT’D)
Great. Dammit, Uncle…
Stan enters from the street.
STAN
Good morning! Oh my gosh, Betula! Are you okay?
BETULA
I’m fine.
STAN
That doesn’t look very comfy.
BETULA
I’m fine.
STAN
Hanging upside down like that.
To get the right strained quality to her voice, I got Marisa to play the first half of this scene with her arms crossed tight around herself.
BETULA
It’s fine. I was just looking around for something to eat and suddenly this rope thing went off.
She struggles some more, to no avail.
STAN
That’s Gubbin for you. He’s got traps everywhere and never thinks to warn anyone.
Another place where I tied in the kitchen plot in Episode 5 — and this story got better as a result.
BETULA
I should have known. The kitchen door, though?
STAN
Yeah. The kitchen’s “off limits”, apparently. Don’t feel bad. I got caught in that one myself.
BETULA
That’s nice.
(straining)
I can’t reach my knife. Can you…?
But Stan has started hunting around under the bar.
STAN
Oh no, no, you shouldn’t need to cut anything. When I set that one off, Gubbin had, like a release button for it. I think it was somewhere down here…
BETULA
Stan, please. Just give me my knife. It’s right here, you can see the sheath. Look. Look where I’m pointing. Stan. Look.
STAN
I remember he reached under the bar, and he must have flipped a lever or something…
Art, meanwhile, did the whole episode from here on with one arm in the air.
There’s a thunk as a second trap springs, catching Stan’s arm.
STAN (CONT’D)
Whoa!
BETULA
Oh gods.
STAN
Wow. Okay. So he’s got another trap under the bar. I was not expecting that. Wow. My arm’s totally stuck.
BETULA
Great.
STAN
That Gubbin. What a smart guy!
BETULA
Yeah, what a guy.
STAN
(raises his voice)
Hey Gubbin! Are you up yet?
BETULA
Oh yes, let’s get Uncle in here so he can gloat.
Nerdy sound design tip! If you want to make a creaking noise sound like it’s quieting down, don’t simply turn down its volume. A creak is made up of a series of little clicks as the rope, wood or what-have-you slips under tension. You don’t want quieter clicks so much as fewer clicks. So rather than chop up the sound by hand, I used a gate plugin to silence all but the loudest clicks, then adjusted the threshold to let through more or less of the sound as the net swings back and forth in bigger or smaller arcs.
The two keep twisting and straining throughout the following:
STAN
So. Is this your first time in Farloria?
BETULA
What? Yeah. First time.
STAN
Nice! How are you enjoying it so far?
BETULA
So far, let’s see… I had to drag my trunk all over town looking for this place, and now I’m hanging from the ceiling in one of my uncle’s stupid booby traps.
STAN
Aww. That’s a lousy start. Hey, if you’re free today, I can give you that guided tour of Grandville. Let you see the city properly.
BETULA
That’s nice of you, but I’ve gotta be on my way today.
STAN
Awww. Really? Where you headed?
BETULA
Away. East.
I realized long after we recorded this that I’d referred to Mediocria in Alba Episode 5 as being on the west coast. It took some head-scratching to come up with a map where both those things could be true.
STAN
Like, toward Mediocria? That’s a… nice part of the country.
BETULA
So I hear.
STAN
So you don’t even have time for a little sightseeing?
BETULA
Sorry, no.
STAN
Aw. Oh, by the way… you still gotta change your money, right?
BETULA
Right…
STAN
Well… I hate to be the one to tell you, but you know that Mellurian coin you gave us last night?
BETULA
What about it?
As he speaks, Stan fishes in his pockets with his wrong hand, and finally comes up with the coin.
I wanted to have Stan bore Betula with this bit of trivia, but if she was that bored, she’d probably just politely lift him out of her way and leave. Hence the trap — very in-character for Gubbin to set, but wrong and out-of-character for Stan to take advantage of Betula being stuck in. Hence the other trap under the bar.
STAN
I took it to the bank this morning, and they showed me this really cool thing. See, here’s your coin. And if I weigh it… well, I don’t think we have a balance here, but apparently this coin weighs the same as two hundred and fourteen grains of barley.
BETULA
That’s fascinating.
She strains harder at the ropes.
STAN
But then, get this, you stick it in water, and then I think it’s the amount that spills out divided by the number of grains? Anyway. I didn’t want to tell Gubbin, since he’d blow it out of proportion, but… the point is, it’s not real.
BETULA
What’s not?
STAN
This coin. I think someone back in Melluria gave you some fake –
BETULA
What do you mean, not real?
At that moment, Gubbin trudges in.
GUBBIN
What’s not real?
STAN AND BETULA
Nothing!
GUBBIN
Huh. Someone been trying to jimmy the lock on the kitchen door?
BETULA
I was hungry. I thought you might have some food around.
GUBBIN
Kitchen’s off limits.
BETULA
Apparently.
GUBBIN
Let’s see that coin, Stan.
STAN
I don’t know what coin you’re referring to –
(as Gubbin prises open his fingers)
Ow, ow, ow. Right. Yes. That coin.
GUBBIN
Huh. “Regna da Melluria — five royales”. That look real to you?
(he taps it on the bar)
Looks like gold, doesn’t it?
BETULA
It is gold.
GUBBIN
Well, let’s just see here…
STAN
No, don’t! Aw, Gubbin…
Gubbin bites the coin in half and spits out the pieces.
GUBBIN
Well, will ya look at that. Solid lead! With a layer of brass, and just the tiniest little bit of gold leaf around it. Probably worth, what, about sixpence?
STAN
I heard lead isn’t very good for you.
GUBBIN
This ain’t legal tender. There or here.
BETULA
Well, how was I supposed to know? I’m not an alchemist.
(beat)
Can you let me out of this net?
STAN
And while you’re at it, I’m kinda stuck too.
GUBBIN
This all the money you got?
BETULA
Yeah. I mean, I got more money, but it’s just more of these.
GUBBIN
Where’d you get ’em?
I initially pictured Melluria as a bit like Southern France, with maybe a bit of Parisian snobbery thrown in (“le meilleur” means “the best”). Eventually, the place turned into a lawless jumble of warring dukes and crime-lord artists.
BETULA
In Meyuria. Uncle, let me out of this stupid trap.
GUBBIN
Where in Melluria?
BETULA
It’s “Meyuria”.
GUBBIN
Where in Meyuria.
BETULA
A guy.
GUBBIN
What guy.
BETULA
Just a guy. An artist.
GUBBIN
Here we go.
STAN
Something wrong with artists?
GUBBIN
What was his name?
BETULA
(reluctant)
Arvando Bassi.
GUBBIN
Bassi!
BETULA
Yes.
Because Betula said it last episode, Stan.
STAN
Why do I know that name?
GUBBIN
What hell were you doing taking money from a Mellurian artist? One of the Bassis, no less?
BETULA
Let me down and I’ll tell you.
GUBBIN
(considers)
Fine.
He presses a hidden button and the trap dumps Betula out on the floor.
BETULA
Ow.
STAN
Betula! You okay?
BETULA
A bit of warning would have been nice.
GUBBIN
How did you get mixed up with the Bassis?
STAN
Also, who are they? Also, can you let me out next?
GUBBIN
The Bassis are the most notorious art cabal in Melluria.
STAN
Notorious how?
BETULA
Turns out they’re into art theft, forging sculptures and paintings, ancient relics… and I guess forging money, too.
GUBBIN
Won’t find a more subversive, transgressive band of hoodlums this side of the Pointy Lands.
STAN
Yikes.
BETULA
But I didn’t know any of that when I met Arvando.
GUBBIN
So what were you doing in Melluria?
“Show, don’t tell” is one of those bits of advice that gets pushed at writers all the time. And there’s a certain truth to it when you’re writing for TV or film, say. But I find that in audio, where the action is invisible anyway, telling can be just as compelling as showing — depending on the writing and acting, of course. I’ve been leaning harder on the in-character storytelling on The Axe & Crown, trying to test that theory.
BETULA
I was going to school there, working odd jobs to get by, and then one day this guy approached me, said he was a painter and a sculptor and wanted to hire me as his model.
STAN
You worked as a model?
BETULA
So I said okay. And so Arvando did a couple of paintings of me. But soon he had me helping him out with frescoes and installations, carrying his supplies, setting up scaffolding… and sometimes I’d just stand outside while he was chatting with someone, and make sure they saw me. The way he talked, I figured it was just because he wanted to show me off.
GUBBIN
Heh heh.
BETULA
Which was a little weird, but whatever. What can I say? He could talk anyone into anything.
GUBBIN
Especially with a seven-foot-high troll standing next to him. Can’t believe you were working for Arvando Bassi.
BETULA
I just thought he was a solid guy, okay? He paid me good money.
GUBBIN
Good fake money.
BETULA
Yes. Anyway. We spend weeks preparing for his next big show. Lots of pictures of the rich and famous, trying to win over new patrons. So the hall’s full of dukes and bishops and bankers, and when it comes time for opening night… This rival group called the Magical Demolitionists have vandalized every piece in the hall.
STAN
Oh no! Like, they smashed everything?
Hats off to Marisa, who from the very first take ploughed through this profusion of polysyllables with nary a stumble.
BETULA
Worse. They changed things. They took the heads off his sculptures and switched them. They cut up his paintings and rearranged them. And in doing so they recontextualized them in a manner that forced one to confront the paradoxical and hypocritical nature of power and legitimacy in modern society.
GUBBIN
(beat)
Frickin’ artists.
Bless.
STAN
I don’t get it.
BETULA
Don’t you see? He invited all these nobles so he could flatter them, and instead, all they saw were paintings full of symbolism about how they were lying, and sleeping with each other, and stealing from everyone in the kingdom.
GUBBIN
Which was all lies, I’m sure.
A few details of the art war got hashed out with Sean and Hugo at an early reading of the script.
BETULA
Oh, it was all true. But you still shouldn’t put it in a painting. They would have killed him for treason if his parents hadn’t stepped in.
But all of a sudden, every two-bit fresco painter decided they wanted a piece. All the movements and factions piled on, trying to get the upper hand. One day, all six members of the Maniacal Five had their heads mysteriously bashed in by gargoyles falling off buildings.
STAN
Whoa.
BETULA
That was the Demos, of course. The Demolitionists. Before long they had control of the trade in watercolours and miniatures. Then they got together with the East Side Post-Reasonablists to take on the Bassis head-to-head.
GUBBIN
Huh. And the Bassis?
BETULA
Arvando was laying low after the big fiasco. But that was before the whole Azandia thing.
GUBBIN
What’s an Azandia?
BETULA
His racehorse. She was a gift from his parents, I think.
STAN
Uh oh…
BETULA
Arvando loved that horse. Fed her on wine and pastries. He got me to install a toiletti for her in the stable. [toy-LET-tee]
GUBBIN
A what?
BETULA
A water closet. It’s like a chamber pot, but it’s got running water.
GUBBIN
The hell for?
BETULA
For flushing it. It’s the latest thing in Meyuria. Very expensive.
GUBBIN
He had you install a “toiletti”… for his horse.
BETULA
I told you, Azandia was his little princess! Literally, he made her a silver tiara. But anyway, a couple weeks after the Demolitionists make their move, Arvando’s got an unveiling. Great big statue of the Duke, in the main square.
I’m working security, in case anybody tries anything creative. I catch a couple of Demos trying to sneak in with brushes and glue, so I knock some sense into them. And… that’s it. The unveiling goes off without a hitch. All his patrons are overjoyed…
GUBBIN
But…?
I was looking for ways of making Betula’s enemies scary enough without turning this into Game of Thrones. Crossing The Godfather with Marcel Duchamp seemed to do the trick.
BETULA
But that night, Arvando comes home from the big party, goes up to his chambers…
STAN
Oh no. I don’t like this story.
BETULA
And finds the bedclothes all stained, and sitting right in the middle of the bed…
STAN
No, stop!
BETULA
Is Azandia the horse’s brand new toiletti.
STAN
Wait, what?
BETULA
And in front of it, there’s a little plaque, like in a museum. Says, “The Complete Works of Arvando Bassi”.
STAN
Wow. That’s… I guess that’s… terrible?
BETULA
Yeah, that was just way too on-the-nose. Arvando basically snapped. Started a new series of allegorical portraits of his enemies.
STAN
Portraits? Could have been worse! At least he wasn’t –
BETULA
Using their own blood.
STAN
Oh.
BETULA
I kept thinking, these paintings smell weird. But I didn’t clue in until the night he had me line the floor and walls with canvases, gave me this big knife and asked me to help him “bring someone in”. So at that point I figured it was time for me to make an exit.
GUBBIN
You stole his money and ran.
BETULA
What else was I gonna do?
STAN
At least it wasn’t real money.
GUBBIN
Yeah, at least it was counterfeit that you stole from a gangster and paid your uncle with.
BETULA
Look, I’m sorry about the coins. I honestly didn’t know.
GUBBIN
You think he knows where you went?
BETULA
I covered my tracks pretty well. I mean, it’s always kinda hard being discreet in human country.
GUBBIN
Yeah. Well, I can’t guarantee you’ll be safe here, but if you need a place to stay…
BETULA
I don’t want to bring anything bad down on you guys.
GUBBIN
We’ll deal. Anyone shows up in town and starts asking about trolls, I’ll hear about it. Your artist friends come for you, they’ll have to come through me.
BETULA
Thanks, Uncle.
STAN
And me.
BETULA
Sure.
GUBBIN
So? You gonna be sensible about this?
BETULA
Yeah. I’ll stay.
STAN
Woo hoo!
BETULA
Thanks, Uncle.
GUBBIN
You’re welcome. It’s two crowns a night. No meals.
STAN
Gubbin.
BETULA
No, it’s fine. I just need to find a place to change these coins…
GUBBIN
Stan tried to change one at the bank. Word’s gonna get out. No one’s gonna take those anywhere in town.
STAN
I can help you out with rent.
BETULA
No. I can pay my own way. I’ll find work and I’ll pay you back properly, Uncle.
GUBBIN
See to it. You got one week.
BETULA
Thanks.
This episode has pretty much all the Easter eggs. Art rambled delightfully for a couple of minutes more, and I just had to include everything I could.
STAN
Yay!
(beat)
\Um, can I have my arm back now?\ ++My arm is still stuck. Hello? Guys? I’m still — guys? Can you come back? ‘Cause I’m still… in the trap…++
One of the benefits of doing the theme music myself was that I could do things like tweak the opening drum roll for comic effect. It’s all those little details that make my brain happy.
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME