More ad libs, drama and Trølsig word origins. The sound design gets a little more complicated… and things get serious.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 5: The Job Hunt
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Five: The Job Hunt.
INT. BAR — MORNING
The outside door opens and Stan enters.
STAN
Morning, Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Don’t remind me.
STAN
Happens every day, you better get used to it!
GUBBIN
You here to see Betula?
STAN
Who? Oh, your niece?
GUBBIN
“Oh, your niece.” Bit late to play it casual, kid.
STAN
Well, sure, she’s nice and all…
GUBBIN
Says the guy with a bouquet of flowers.
STAN
They’re for the bar!
GUBBIN
Yeah, why didn’t I think of that? Roses on the tables, that’s just what this place needs. Roses on the vomit-stained tables and maybe some nice doilies to go under the pastries.
Originally Gubbin’s line about pastries was going to be pure sarcasm, but once I decided on the big reveal at the end of this episode, it seemed like a nice way to foreshadow it with a tiny drop of backstory.
STAN
When have you ever served pastries?
GUBBIN
(a sore point)
We used to.
STAN
Well, if we just fix up the kitchen and hire a cook…
GUBBIN
Eh. Too much hassle.
STAN
Do you think she likes flowers?
GUBBIN
Who? Oh, my niece?
STAN
Yeah, your niece. What does she like? Flowers? Marzipan? Walks on the beach?
GUBBIN
The hell should I know? Ask her yourself!
STAN
I can’t just come out and ask her… that’s like cheating.
GUBBIN
What is it with humans? Why can’t you learn to say what you mean?
STAN
It’s just not… the way we do things.
GUBBIN
All this “hello” and “nice to see you” and “oh, no, no, that’s fine.” It’s like there’s a layer of gunk between you and the real world. It’s like… eating with a fork.
STAN
What are you saying, exactly?
GUBBIN
Say what you mean, is what I’m saying.
STAN
You don’t always say what you mean. “Roses on the tables, that’s what this place needs!”
Almost went for an Alanis Morisette joke here, but heard a similar line on another show mere days before we recorded.
GUBBIN
That’s called irony.
Betula comes down the stairs, sleepy and cross.
STAN
Hi, Miss Betula!
BETULA
Oh, good morning, Stan.
STAN
Would you care for a flower?
Marisa actually ate some vegetables we had on hand as a snack. Long, long after we produced this episode, I realized I’d totally missed an opportunity: she should have gone on eating for several more lines, to Stan’s discomfort.
BETULA
Sure. I’m starving.
She eats the flower.
STAN
Uh, you might want to be careful of the thorns…
(too late)
Oookay. Uh. So. Did you sleep well?
BETULA
(chewing)
No, not at all. The bed is so soft and cozy.
STAN
Isn’t that a good thing?
BETULA
I think my spine actually oozed out of shape in the night. Uncle, didn’t you say you just renovated?
STAN
Yeah, we did.
GUBBIN
(happily)
Slipped my mind.
BETULA
You gave me the squishy bed on purpose.
Stan’s marketing acumen to the rescue.
STAN
I’m so sorry! I didn’t know. Why don’t we move you to a room with a, uh… a classic mattress?
BETULA
That would be nice. See, Uncle? That’s how to run a tavern.
GUBBIN
You complaining about the free room I’m giving you?
BETULA
Look, I’ll pay you, Uncle. I just need to find work.
GUBBIN
Well, you got six days left. Time’s a‑wasting.
STAN
Yes! Speaking of work… Let’s find you a job.
He starts rummaging in his bag.
BETULA
Well, today I was just gonna see if anyone down at the docks needs day labourers.
GUBBIN
(scoffs)
Kinda late in the morning for that. They start work at dawn. Hell, I run a bar and I was up before you.
BETULA
Well, strangely enough, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.
We’ve floated the idea of another spinoff or storyline involving a Gazette reporter or two. That’s a little ways off, mind you, but it’s a thought. Meanwhile, if you like the idea of tabloid reporters in a fairy-tale setting, I’m very fond of Tansy Rayner Roberts’ Castle Charming stories.
STAN
I got the classified ads from the Grandville Gazette right here. That’s where I’d start if I was looking.
Stan pulls out the paper and opens it with a flourish.
GUBBIN
Yeah, say, why don’t we find you both a job?
STAN
Not me! I got this place to keep me busy.
GUBBIN
No, seriously.
STAN
Can’t talk, reading. “Accountants Wanted…”
BETULA
I’m not an accountant.
I think I’d been reading Scott Lynch’s The Republic of Thieves, which includes a big plotline about staging a play.
STAN
Ooh, “Actors for a new production of The Ghastly Murder of Count Bozannio.”
BETULA
Do they have any roles for trolls?
STAN
You never know!
We really do have to explore the world of Farlorian theatre sometime.
GUBBIN
Yeah, maybe the Count gets murdered by a seven-foot-tall strongwoman.
Stan circles the ad with a pen.
STAN
True. True. I’ll put that down as a “maybe”. Hmm. “Architect-slash-baker sought for Gingerbread Construction, Limited.” Um… “Chimney Sweeps…”
BETULA
I don’t think we’re going to find anything in the paper.
STAN
Naw, you gotta dream big! I mean… what did you always want to be when you grew up?
BETULA
Uh… Champion smashball player?
STAN
Okay, cool…
BETULA
Or a carpenter. Or a gryphon trainer.
Stan leafs through the pages.
STAN
Hmm. I don’t see any openings this week, anyway.
GUBBIN
No, because Farlorians don’t play smashball, they don’t keep gryphons as pets, and you can’t be a carpenter if you’re not in the Guild.
STAN
Well then, isn’t it lucky I’ve got contacts in half the construction guilds in the city.
GUBBIN
Yeah, I’m sure your name carries a lot of weight.
STAN
It does, actually. They’ve all done work for my father’s old company.
(to Betula)
He was a real estate developer, see. He left me this building when he died.
BETULA
Oh, really! So you run his company now?
STAN
Well, no… my sister inherited the company.
GUBBIN
That’s right. I think I read something about that. Your big sister got everything, huh?
STAN
I mean, she’s actually younger than me, but basically –
I wanted to bring in Stan’s sister too, but we’ve just had too many other stories to tell. Stay tuned…
GUBBIN
Oh, that’s right. How old’s your sister, Stan?
STAN
She’s… twelve.
BETULA
Wow. And your father left the family business to her?
GUBBIN
While Stan got this fine place.
STAN
Betula, if you want a construction job, I’ll get you a list of places. Guild pay’s a heck of a lot better than day labour!
BETULA
Thanks, Stan.
GUBBIN
You think any of them are gonna hire a troll?
STAN
They must be smart enough to see what a strong, able-bodied troll woman could do for them.
BETULA
You make it sound like they got something against trolls here. They don’t have something against trolls, do they?
GUBBIN
Eh, no more than most humans.
STAN
I like trolls.
GUBBIN
Well. We got that going for us.
STAN
Ignore him, Betula. We’re gonna find you a job!
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — AFTERNOON
A few patrons are drinking in the background as Betula trudges in.
STAN
Betula! How did it go? Any takers?
Who says “funnily” this side of the Atlantic?
BETULA
Nope. \ Funnily enough, \ ++It’s funny,++ no one’s hiring.
GUBBIN
Hunh.
STAN
You’re kidding! I was down in Guildhall Row last week and there were Help Wanted signs everywhere.
BETULA
Yeah. \ It’s funny. \ Every guild hall I go in, it turns out they’ve just finished doing all their hiring, and they forgot to take the sign down. Or \ Gordie \ ++buddy++ who handles the applications just happens to be off on vacation.
STAN
Really? Gosh, that’s rotten luck.
BETULA
Or no one wants to hire a troll.
GUBBIN
Did I or did I not say this was going to happen?
BETULA
Or a woman, probably.
STAN
Aw, c’mon. Did you say I sent you?
BETULA
When I managed to, yeah. At the one place that didn’t turn me away immediately.
STAN
And that didn’t help?
BETULA
The secretary just laughed. And laughed.
STAN
Well, I’m a funny guy.
BETULA
Until she finally passed out. I filled out an application, but I’m not expecting much.
STAN
You can’t let that stop you!
GUBBIN
Yeah, he’s right. Keep trying, it’ll be hilarious.
BETULA
You’re such a help, Uncle.
“Brain explosion!” was an ad lib of Art’s at a readthrough.
STAN
Whoa. Brain explosion! Why don’t we hire Betula?
GUBBIN
We?
BETULA
You could definitely use a maid.
STAN
See, Gubbin? You’re always complaining about how much work it is running this place…
GUBBIN
There’s not that much cleaning to do here.
BETULA
Well, by your standards, no.
STAN
Hey, what about the kitchen?
GUBBIN
What about it? It burned down.
BETULA
(knowing he’s lying)
It did what?
GUBBIN
There was a big fire. It’s too dangerous to go in there.
BETULA
Really!
STAN
So it’s a good thing Betula’s an expert carpenter.
BETULA
I said I wanted to be a carpenter.
STAN
I’ll pay for the materials… We can rebuild your kitchen! Better than before!
GUBBIN
No. It’s a safety hazard.
Score one for Betula.
BETULA
This whole tavern is a safety hazard.
STAN
Well, let us help you clean it up. How bad can it be?
BETULA
Yeah, Uncle.
GUBBIN
Never mind the kitchen.
Betula has moved over to the kitchen door.
BETULA
Hmm. It’s almost like you don’t want people to go in here.
GUBBIN
Don’t touch that door.
STAN
Careful, it’s booby trapped, remember?
BETULA
It is? Gosh, I better be careful.
She unlocks the door. The net trap trips harmlessly, with a little twang.
GUBBIN
Hey! How did you disarm that? Stop! I told you, it’s dangerous…
But she’s already through the door.
And there went our initial concept of “one location only”. It was nice while it lasted. And then, come Episode 12, “two locations only” went out the window — literally.
CROSSFADE TO:
INT. KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
Betula strolls in. Stan follows cautiously.
STAN
Wait. Gubbin, I thought you said there was a fire. There’s not even soot on the walls.
BETULA
I know, right?
STAN
All the pots and things are just sitting here…
BETULA
Like someone just stopped in the middle of cooking, and ran off.
STAN
Gubbin? You okay there, buddy?
He’s not. Gubbin is holding back tears.
BETULA
Uncle?
STAN
What happened in here?
Once again, the Silly Little Spinoff became the Big Gut-Punch Drama. And after all his usual silliness as Gubbin, Hugo brings it down just beautifully for this moment. We had chills in the control room during this scene.
GUBBIN
(heavily)
He left.
BETULA
Who left?
GUBBIN
Johann. My… the cook.
STAN
Your ex.
BETULA
Wait. Wait.
GUBBIN
He was the cook, way back when I first started working here. He helped me get over a lot of things. Helped me feel normal again, you know, after the war.
STAN
Must have been some cook.
GUBBIN
Oh, you have no idea. He even learned to make a few troll specialties, just for me. Only human I ever met who could make a proper domplinka. [dom-PLINK‑a]
BETULA
Awww.
GUBBIN
After Noreena died, he stuck around and we ran the place together. For years. It was just… nice. Easy. I was out here, he was out back, everything was taken care of.
And then one night, I come back here and there’s him with the strapping young delivery guy from the greengrocer’s up the hill. Having some kind of private tasting.
STAN
Oh. Oh man. Did you guys fight?
GUBBIN
Words were exchanged. He ran off after his delivery boy or whatever, and I just…
BETULA
Locked the door and never went back in the kitchen again?
GUBBIN
Haven’t had a decent meal since.
STAN
I’m sorry, Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Eh. Trolls and humans. It was always gonna happen.
STAN
Well… why don’t we renovate? Reorganize, clean the place up, scrub away all the bad memories.
GUBBIN
Who needs a kitchen?
BETULA
Uncle, you’ve got the only tavern in town that doesn’t have food. Even the raccoon hotel down the street brings in fresh garbage for their guests.
STAN
Yeah! C’mon, Gub. You could have pastries again…
GUBBIN
(grunts)
STAN
Or… what was it? Dumplinkies?
GUBBIN
(suddenly dreamy)
Domplinka…
STAN
(at Betula)
Yeah. Say, do we know anyone else who might know how to make domplinka?
BETULA
What… me?
STAN
Can you?
BETULA
Sure, I used to make them all the time back home.
GUBBIN
Ohhh. It’s been so long.
STAN
Gubbin, I think we might have found our new cook…
I’m not sure what the proper spelling of “booglintur” should be. Kling Klang, meanwhile, is the name of Kraftwerk’s recording studio in Düsseldorf.
BETULA
And booglintur. And kling klangs.
GUBBIN
Keep talking.
STAN
This is perfect! We get a cook, you get a job, everybody wins! What do you say, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Yes. You’re hired.
BETULA
Thanks, you guys.
Stan can always bring the mood back.
STAN
We’ll show that Johann. Big two-timing jerk! We’re gonna turn this place around…
(sings)
Turn this place around! Best food in town!
GUBBIN
Cut that out. ++Stop. Stop. STOP THAT DANCING.++
STAN
\ We’ll have the best food in town — troll and human. \ You can cook human food too, right?
BETULA
Right. Human food. Of course.
STAN
Amazing.
GUBBIN
Question is, where the hell are we gonna get groceries now?
STAN
There’s more than one greengrocer in town. Say… maybe you can find your own delivery guy. Eh?
GUBBIN
Why do I even tell you things.
Art started riffing after each take, and we just had to close with this one.
STAN
++“Special delivery. Special delivery for Gubbin. Hello. Where’s the handsome troll in the back?”++
GUBBIN
++Stan, are you done?++
STAN
++“I’d like to find you. I have a delivery just for you…”++
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME