Learn all about troll food and what it sounds like!
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 6: What’s Cooking
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Six: What’s Cooking.
Couldn’t quite make the interrupting-the-theme gag work with the food noises. Ah well.
INT. BAR — NIGHT
The theme is interrupted by a nasty squelch and the clatter of a spoon in a bowl of something slimy. The bar is full of disgruntled customers.
Another appearance by yours truly, doing what could charitably be called a “pan-Northern” accent.
CUSTOMER
I ain’t eating that.
STAN
Ma’am, I’m really sorry if it’s not… see, we’re working on perfecting our menu.
CUSTOMER
You call this chicken feet soup? What’s this green stuff?
STAN
I know what it looks like, but it’s actually a garnish –
CUSTOMER
It’s mold. ++That’s what it “actually” is.++ It’s disgusting. \ Take it back. \
STAN
Sorry about that, \ Ma’am. \ ++sir.++ We’ll get you another one right away.
Stan takes the bowl. We follow him back to the bar.
CUSTOMER
(across the room)
It’s disgusting.
GUBBIN
Another one, huh?
STAN
Yeah. That’s six meals sent back in one night. I thought you said your customers weren’t discerning.
GUBBIN
They aren’t. If they were, they’d be burning this place down.
STAN
(whines)
GUBBIN
What’s the matter? All your dreams of fame and fortune in the restaurant biz going up the creek?
STAN
What are we gonna do, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Oh, I dunno… maybe fire the cook?
STAN
We can’t do that!
GUBBIN
Why not? Just ’cause you’ll be taking away the only job Betula’s ever gonna land in this town? Or because you’re sweet on her?
STAN
Also she is bigger than me and can mash me into pulp.
GUBBIN
She can’t cook.
STAN
She can! She’s still just getting used to cooking for humans.
GUBBIN
Hah. Still getting used to cooking, period.
STAN
What about all those special troll dishes she cooks for you?
GUBBIN
Tell ya a secret. The kid’s pretty bad at those too.
STAN
Oh.
It’s all gone a bit Kitchen Nightmares, hasn’t it?
GUBBIN
Time for you to get in there and get firing.
STAN
Me?
GUBBIN
I’m running the bar.
STAN
She’s your niece.
GUBBIN
You’re the one that hired her.
STAN
But you run the place.
GUBBIN
And you own the place, so I think there is no higher authority on this matter, Mister Gerrard, sir.
Gubbin shoves a rejected plate into Stan’s hands, and starts steering him toward the door.
STAN
Look, I’m not that kind of manager! See, I’m a “carrot” person more than a “stick” person.
GUBBIN
Well, Mister Carrot, time for you to learn some new tricks. Good luck!
STAN
No, no! She’ll wring my neck! Gubbin!
Gubbin shoves Stan into the kitchen, and slams the door behind him.
CROSSFADE TO:
INT. KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
Mere clattering pots didn’t quite sell Betula’s frustration — nor Stan’s terror at confronting her. I scared up some heavy meat-cleaver chops to use instead. Bingo.
A fire crackles in the background. Pots and pans clatter as Betula storms around the room.
STAN
Hey, Betula!
BETULA
What do you want, Stan?
STAN
Just… checking in and seeing how you’re doing.
BETULA
Fine. I’m fine.
Something boils over and catches on fire.
STAN
Whoa!
BETULA
Everything is fine.
STAN
Good. So anyway. There’s something I have to tell you.
BETULA
Yes? What?
STAN
I have to tell you… You… uh, we… I’m afraid a couple of dishes got sent back.
BETULA
Sent back why?
STAN
Various reasons.
BETULA
Like?
STAN
Ehh… that’s just it. I guess they didn’t like.
BETULA
Why the hell not?
If I recall correctly, “pancreas poppers” were another Hugo-ism.
STAN
Well, the pancreas poppers had some burnt bits on them…
BETULA
What is the problem with burnt bits?
(she eats one)
Look. Nothing wrong with that.
STAN
And there was mold on the soup.
BETULA
Yeah, and? Mold is one of the five basic flavours.
The sort of joke that works so well in audio.
STAN
I tried to tell them. Oh, also this, uh… steak.
He picks up the steak and lets it fall back onto the plate with a clunk.
STAN (CONT’D)
They ordered rare.
BETULA
You said rare means burnt.
STAN
Other way round.
BETULA
What?! Okay, fine. So well done is burnt –
STAN
Not quite burnt.
BETULA
– not quite burnt, and rare means raw.
STAN
Not quite raw.
BETULA
You humans are so picky.
STAN
I know. It’s terrible. We’re terrible. But it’s like Gubbin says: the customer is always right.
BETULA
My uncle said that?
STAN
Yeah, okay, it was someone else. But listen, I… have some difficult news.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — LATER THAT NIGHT
The bar has quieted down.
Sean added that little heave that Zane does.
ZANE
Night, Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Night, Zane.
Zane exits, as Stan emerges from the kitchen.
STAN
Heya Gubbin.
GUBBIN
\ Stan? \ ++Hey, Carrot Boy.++ You’re alive.
STAN
Yeah. No thanks to you.
GUBBIN
You were a long time in there. How’d she take the news?
STAN
Uh, surprisingly well.
GUBBIN
You actually fired her?
STAN
We… came to a kinda mutual agreement.
GUBBIN
Yeah?
STAN
Betula gets a second chance, and an opportunity to develop new dishes that are more in keeping with her established style.
GUBBIN
With her what?
Stan slaps a sheet of paper down on the bar.
STAN
Gubbin, behold our new menu! Farlorian favourites and home-cooked troll food! Eh?
GUBBIN
I should save our patrons the trouble and burn the place down myself.
STAN
It just makes sense, know what I mean? You’ll be serving the native cuisine of your homeland… We’ll be famous! We’ll make our culinary mark on the city.
GUBBIN
Listen, I’ve been running this place eight years. You think maybe I know a thing or two about what people are gonna eat?
Betula comes out of the kitchen with a plate.
BETULA
All right, boys. Check this out. Kling klangs.
STAN
Awww yeah. What are these, like cookies?
GUBBIN
Yeah, like cookies.
They each bite into one. Stan’s teeth stick instantly.
STAN
(unable to chew)
Mmm! That’s really, really interesting.
BETULA
You like ’em?
GUBBIN
Huh. I’ve had worse.
STAN
(teeth still stuck)
I wasn’t expecting them to be so sour. Uh, is there a trick to chewing them?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Have troll teeth.
BETULA
So? Have you looked at the menu?
GUBBIN
Yeah.
BETULA
And?
GUBBIN
Where are you gonna find any of this stuff in town?
It’s good to know some guys with a boat.
BETULA
I know some guys with a boat.
STAN
See? Betula’s got it all worked out. Look at these appetizers!
GUBBIN
Zen-yar-füsk? Really?
Which translates literally to “ten-year fish” — inspired, of course, by dishes like lutefisk, Icelandic fermented shark and Chinese century eggs.
STAN
What’s zen-yar-fusk?
BETULA
It’s a fish — I think you call it pike?
STAN
Pike! Sure.
GUBBIN
It’s not really pike.
BETULA
Which you bury in the ground for ten years.
STAN
Okay, why?
BETULA
In a special kind of dirt. That preserves it and infuses it with a certain…
STAN
Flavour?
GUBBIN
Texture.
BETULA
Little mineral crystals that make it crunchy.
STAN
That sounds… really interesting.
BETULA
It’s the best. Right, uncle?
GUBBIN
Sure, it’s good. But you do realize no human is going to eat it.
STAN
I’ll eat it!
GUBBIN
(thinks)
All right, keep it on the menu. I want to see that.
STAN
Um, does this say “vulture”?
BETULA
Yeah, vulture pie.
GUBBIN
Vulture!
STAN
I bet no one else in town has that.
GUBBIN
We are not serving vulture pie.
BETULA
Why not? What’s wrong with vulture?
GUBBIN
Nothing. But pigeons are free.
BETULA
So? Stan, how much would you pay for a nice vulture pie?
STAN
I… I don’t know if I could eat a vulture. They’re kind of…
BETULA
Big?
STAN
Gross.
BETULA
Oh, for heaven’s sake. At least we don’t eat them raw.
Fun fact: Marisa, who plays Betula, is vegan — and in fact, Sean and I are vegetarian. I tend not to make a fuss about it, but I did enjoy poking a bit of fun at the lines we human beings draw between what we will and won’t eat.
GUBBIN
Welcome to the wonderful world of human cuisine.
BETULA
What about Gatsenpfeffer?
GUBBIN
They don’t eat cats either.
BETULA
Yeah, they do!
GUBBIN
Okay, in Melluria they eat cats. But Farlorians don’t.
BETULA
That makes no sense.
STAN
Cats are cute. And they hunt mice.
BETULA
So do ferrets!
GUBBIN
Not a lot of ferrets in human cooking either.
BETULA
What? But they have that musk! You mix that with something lighter like fennel, and it’s just… no?
STAN
Um…
GUBBIN
Farlorians eat mostly anything apart from cats and horses and dogs. Except for the Orthodox Dufferites. They eat horses but they won’t eat pigs.
BETULA
So much for my famous One Of Everything Stew.
A hint here of The Wonderful O by James Thurber, in which pirates terrorize a tiny island and ban the letter O.
GUBBIN
And the Church of the Redeemed Bachelor folks won’t eat anything that has the letter A in the name.
STAN
Including meals and snacks.
BETULA
I give up. No one gets any more food. From now on, everyone gets beans. Cold beans.
GUBBIN
Or you could just cook the food on the menu we already have.
BETULA
Nope. Forget it. I’m done.
STAN
Wait… what do you mean, done?
BETULA
Seems like none of my ideas are good enough. Oh well. Bye, guys. Have fun serving your boring human food to your boring human customers.
STAN
No! Wait! I thought they sounded great!
BETULA
Except for gatsenpfeffer and vulture pie. And obviously you didn’t like the kling klangs.
Having Stan’s teeth stuck got a bit old after a few lines, so we dropped it.
STAN
No, no, they’re good! \ I just haven’t been able to open my mouth again. \
BETULA
You don’t have to pretend, Stan.
STAN
No, really! I want to make this work! Gubbin’s the one that wanted to fire you.
BETULA
Fire me?!
GUBBIN
Well, we can only kill so many customers before people get suspicious.
BETULA
You want me gone, huh? Well, surprise, surprise.
GUBBIN
You don’t seem happy here.
BETULA
Sure, I’m happy.
STAN
That’s why he sent me in. He wanted me to be the one to fire you.
BETULA
But you didn’t.
GUBBIN
Yeah, like that was ever gonna happen.
STAN
Wait… You sent me in to not fire Betula?
GUBBIN
Call it a social experiment.
BETULA
So, what… you wanted me to stay all along? You just wanted me to take an interest in my work so I’d do a better job?
GUBBIN
Well, if you’re not gonna beat Stan into the ground and quit in a huff, I guess I’ll take it.
BETULA
Uncle. Stop playing games.
GUBBIN
Games? Who’s playing games?
BETULA
Do you want me to stay or leave? Tell me.
GUBBIN
What? So that you can do the opposite?
BETULA
(caught out)
No.
GUBBIN
You just want to do the exact opposite of what I want.
BETULA
Tell me what you want and we’ll find out.
GUBBIN
Why don’t you follow your heart?
BETULA
Why don’t you fire me?
GUBBIN
Why don’t you act like a grown troll for once? Damn stupid kid.
BETULA
Why don’t you — why don’t you go stick your face in a fjord?
Betula pitches the plate of kling klangs full force into Gubbin’s head, smashing it to bits.
GUBBIN
Ow!
STAN
Betula!
BETULA
“Social experiment.” You just love jerking people around.
She hits him with another plate.
GUBBIN
Nah, I just think you should — Ow! Dammit. Stop breaking my things.
STAN
Please, Betula. Your uncle’s just being a jerk because… I don’t know why. Just ignore him.
BETULA
Yeah, I’m gonna. Even better, I’m gonna ignore him from someplace far away.
She storms upstairs.
GUBBIN
Aw, you going to go pack your twunk and weave?
STAN
Betula, wait!
Stan moves to follow her, but Gubbin puts a hand on his shoulder.
GUBBIN
Oh, I wouldn’t.
STAN
Let go.
GUBBIN
You got thin little human bones, and she’s in a mood.
STAN
Yeah, she is. I wonder why.
GUBBIN
What? You want to experience troll culture? Well, here ya go. A typical night with a typical troll family.
STAN
Where you insult each other and throw things.
Gubbin dusts himself off.
GUBBIN
It’s how we show love. Ugh, good aim, that girl.
STAN
Serves you right. Here she comes. You need to apologize to her right now.
I didn’t have access to a wooden staircase I could ruin, so this is a combination of me scraping wooden boards, bashing a steel tool chest with a rubber mallet, and jumping down my parents’ basements stairs one step at a time.
Betula reappears, dragging her trunk down the stairs — wham! wham! wham! and then heads out the door.
GUBBIN
Yes, you’re right, Stan. I’ve been a fool and I should apologize.
(to Betula)
You owe me a week’s rent and two new plates!
BETULA
Go to hell!
GUBBIN
And stop scuffing my floor!
STAN
Wait! Betula!
She slams the door behind her.
GUBBIN
Thank the gods that’s over. Hey kid, pass me that broom.
STAN
Uh-uh. I quit too.
GUBBIN
You can’t quit. You own the place.
STAN
I quit!
He follows Betula into the street. The door swings shut.
GUBBIN
Finally, some peace and quiet.
The bar is silent.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Yup.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — LATER STILL
Tools rattle in the front door lock. After a couple of tries, Betula manages to open the door. A cold wind whistles outside as she sneaks in and sets Stan on the floor.
This scene started life as a comedic bit where Stan and Betula went for what Stan expected to be a pleasant stroll around town, but due to a misunderstanding about units of distance turned out to be a punishing fifteen-mile constitutional. It actually plays out in remarkably similar fashion except for SAD.
BETULA
(whispers)
All right, we’re here.
STAN
(shivering and barely conscious)
Yaaay. Wait, isn’t this the Axe and Crown?
BETULA
Yeah.
STAN
But… I thought we were running away.
BETULA
I’m running away. You’ve got a life here, helping Uncle run this place.
STAN
Your uncle is a stupid head.
BETULA
Whoa, whoa. Careful! You almost set off the booby trap.
STAN
What booby trap?
Betula carefully trips a tripwire. There’s a clunk, a twang, and an arrow thunks into the door.
STAN (CONT’D)
Whoa, careful!
She sets him down in the kitchen.
BETULA
Just lie down here by the stove and warm up. You’re freezing.
STAN
Why can’t I come with you, Betula?
BETULA
Because you’re fragile. You’re like a baby bunny. You won’t be able to keep up.
STAN
I can so. How many miles did we just walk?
BETULA
Lots. Look, Stan, I’ve gotta get going before Uncle hears us and comes down.
Stan can almost always bring the mood back.
STAN
I can’t come with you?
BETULA
No. Take care, Stan.
STAN
No, I’m good, just let me rest for a minute and I’ll… be…
Stan trails off and starts snoring. Betula sighs and pats his arm.
Damn, but I love our cast. Whether it’s slapstick or rapid-fire monologues or delicate dramatic scenes like this, they all just shine.
BETULA
Sleep tight, little bunny. I’ll miss you.
GUBBIN
“Bunny”?
Betula jumps to her feet.
BETULA
Wha! Uncle!
GUBBIN
Did you just call him “little bunny”?
BETULA
“Buddy”. I said “buddy”.
GUBBIN
Sure.
BETULA
I did.
GUBBIN
Why’d you have to go and bring him back?
BETULA
He belongs here. This is his place.
GUBBIN
Eh, technically. What about you?
BETULA
I don’t have a place.
GUBBIN
(grunts)
Your room’s still vacant, if you need it.
BETULA
No. I’m going.
GUBBIN
Suit yourself.
As I’ve said a couple of times already, I didn’t imagine that The Axe & Crown would evolve into something with so much Drama. Or, thanks to snipping the first dozen episodes into two blocks of six, that we’d end the first “season” on such a melancholy note. Will we ever see Betula again? Is Stan okay? Well, if you’re reading this, you probably know by now!
BETULA
You take care of him, you hear?
GUBBIN
Sure.
BETULA
Bye, Uncle.
She leaves.
GUBBIN
Night.
Stupid kid.
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME