Betula returns! And some musings on the technological level of the Alba universe.
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 7: Under Construction
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Seven: Under Construction.
INT. BAR — AFTERNOON
Stan hums as he wheels in a barrel of ale on a creaking cart. \ Across the street, workers hammer and shout. \
STAN
Hey, Gubbin. Look what I got.
GUBBIN
Kid, where the hell you been all afternoon?
Aw yeah, a PBR joke. We are all about the fresh, cutting-edge zingers here at the Axe & who am I kidding we’re two decades behind on our Simpsons references
STAN
Just at the brewery, picking up a new cask of Pete’s Blue Rabbit Ale!
GUBBIN
Oh no. Stan, what have I told you about sullying my tavern with that stuff? It’s so bad, even my regulars won’t touch it.
STAN
People love Pete’s!
First signal that it’s been a while.
GUBBIN
Your poetry-reading loser friends love it. More to the point, it’s what your new crush always orders.
STAN
She’s not my crush.
GUBBIN
“Oh, she’s so dark and mysterious, like the night!”
STAN
Also Pete’s is cheap. Which equals bigger margins, which equals more money!
Yeah, not so much with the street sounds.
\ A bell rings across the street. \
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah. Grab an apron. It’s about to get busy in here.
Stan hops to it.
STAN
Sure is! Did you see how many people are working that new construction site? And they’re gonna be good and thirsty coming off their shift.
GUBBIN
Not thirsty enough to drink Pete’s Blue Rabbit.
STAN
Oh yeah? I bet I can sell half this cask before we close tonight.
GUBBIN
You’re on. Uh-oh, here they come.
The door swings open. A handful of workers enter, talking loudly, and sit around the tables.
STAN
Good afternoon, folks! Can I get you a beer? We’ve got a special tonight. Half a crown for a pitcher of Pete’s Blue –
(he realizes who it is)
GUBBIN
Oh no.
Originally, we had Betula coming back maybe a couple of days after the events of Episode 6. But with a break between “seasons”…
BETULA
(loudly, for Gubbin’s benefit)
What? We’re coming here for drinks? To this dump? Oh, hey.
STAN
Betula.
BETULA
Stan! Hi.
GUBBIN
I’ll be over here.
He goes about serving some beers while Stan and Betula talk.
And here’s Alexander Danner of Greater Boston as customer. It seemed like a waste to bring him in for just one line, so we wove in a few more lines during Stan and Betula’s awkward pauses and cranked up his frustration.
CUSTOMER
++Hey, can we get a couple of beers?++
STAN
So you’re back.
BETULA
Yeah. Turns out I’m working just across the street now. Crazy, right?
STAN
Yeah. Crazy. So you’re on the construction site?
CUSTOMER
++Hello?++
BETULA
Yup. Meet the newest member of the Builders and Bricklayers’ Guild.
STAN
Really! You got into the Guild? Congrats.
BETULA
Yeah, thanks. Lots of new building starting up lately, so they’ve been hiring like crazy. I just started my apprenticeship there this week.
STAN
I always knew you could do it.
BETULA
Thanks Stan. Things going well here?
CUSTOMER
++Can we get a couple of beers over here?++
STAN
Yeah, it’s good, it’s good. We’re getting more bands in on Fridays and Saturdays. Oh, and I started taking a correspondence course on business management.
BETULA
Oh, good for you.
STAN
And Gubbin’s… you know. Himself.
BETULA
I know.
STAN
You want a drink?
BETULA
Yeah, actually.
STAN
We’ve got a special on Pete’s Blue Rabbit.
BETULA
Ugh, no thanks.
(to Gubbin)
Oh, barkeep…!
GUBBIN
Yeah? What are you doing here?
CUSTOMER
++Uh, hello, we were next.++
BETULA
Just stopping in at the local for a beer with my friends from work.
GUBBIN
Uh huh? You gonna pay for that beer?
BETULA
Yes.
GUBBIN
With real money?
BETULA
Yes. I got a steady job now, see.
GUBBIN
Aren’t we special.
Coins, coins, coins.
Betula tosses a coin on the bar.
BETULA
Yeah, we are. See? Genuine Farlorian.
GUBBIN
Sure.
BETULA
I’ll have a pint of your finest dishwater, please.
GUBBIN
You watch your language, young lady.
Gubbin starts pouring a beer.
BETULA
Ooh, wait. Can you make it a Golden Goose instead? With the little umbrella and everything?
GUBBIN
In your dreams.
BETULA
I’ll give you a good tip!
GUBBIN
Here’s your beer. Get your own damn umbrella.
BETULA
Got anything to eat?
GUBBIN
You know we don’t.
STAN
The kitchen’s back to being closed.
BETULA
I figured.
GUBBIN
So. What’s this thing they got you guys building across the street?
BETULA
We’re converting the old warehouse. Marco the foreman said it was gonna be some kind of pub.
GUBBIN
A pub.
STAN
Ooh, competition. Exciting!
Torontonians will probably know which chain inspired this name.
BETULA
Yeah. It’s supposed to be called the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
Really!
GUBBIN
Tell me you didn’t just say “Bucket”.
He goes to the window and yanks the curtain open.
CUSTOMER
++Come on! What do we gotta do to get some service?++
BETULA
Yeah, why?
GUBBIN
“Future home of the Badger and — ” Oh, great. First the mob, and now you’re working for a Bucket Pub.
STAN
What’s wrong with Bucket Pubs?
BETULA
Yeah. It’s just a pub. Isn’t it?
GUBBIN
Damn things are everywhere now. The Horse and Bucket, the Walrus and Bucket, Ye Olde Bucket of Hooch…
BETULA
All owned by the same people?
Not sure where the feudalism parallel first came from, but it seemed a good way to make fun of franchises in our fictional world.
GUBBIN
Nah. They do this weird fealty thing.
STAN
It’s pretty neat, actually. We’re doing a module on it later in my course.
GUBBIN
A “module”.
For some reason Stan can talk about modules and business models, but when an earlier draft mentioned the word “trademark” it seemed like a step too far. Sending up real-world stuff in a fantasy world is just a series of totally arbitrary judgement calls.
STAN
See, anyone can open a Bucket Pub, as long as they swear allegiance to the Bucket Lords and do everything by the book… They’re not actual lords. That’s just the name of their company.
BETULA
Ah.
GUBBIN
So they all got the same menu, the same decorations, the same signs with those stupid pictures…
STAN
Aw, I love their sign! Heh. It’s funny because the badger looks like he’s throwing up in the bucket –
GUBBIN
Oughta be a law against those places.
BETULA
Why?
GUBBIN
They’re fake. They’re supposed to look like a real dive, the kind of place your average well-to-do lady or gentleman would be afraid to set foot in. But inside they’re all nice and clean, not a spot on the silverware…
BETULA
Gosh, that sounds just terrible.
STAN
I know, right? Clean, and friendly, and you know you’re gonna get what you expect.
GUBBIN
You should hate them — you, with all your authentic real-life Mud Street crap.
STAN
It’s a smart business model. But I mean, yeah, I think people will see the difference and come to a place that has real heart, real soul…
Like, I fretted for a bit about whether the Axe & Crown should have tankards or glasses. The precise tech level of the Alba universe is… well, not precise.
BETULA
Real dirty tankards.
GUBBIN
Say, why don’t you go party with your new “colleagues”?
BETULA
Fine.
Betula picks up her beer and moves off.
CUSTOMER
++Hello! Barkeep!++
GUBBIN
So. We got competition.
STAN
Yeah. Guess we’re going to have to start improving this place. Keeping up with the Bucket Lords, right?
GUBBIN
Right. I know what we can do.
STAN
That’s the spirit, Gubbin. Competition fosters innovation and creativity.
GUBBIN
True enough. True enough. Stan, you know those buddies of yours painted our sign?
STAN
Sure, why?
GUBBIN
Got a little project for them.
STAN
I’ll let them know.
(beat)
Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Yeah, Stan.
STAN
I guess I really don’t know much about trolls.
GUBBIN
What do you want, a book?
STAN
Do you think Betula likes me?
GUBBIN
She hasn’t killed you yet.
STAN
Yeah, but seriously.
GUBBIN
Oh, you mean, does she like you in that way.
STAN
Yes.
GUBBIN
That flowers and candy kind of way.
STAN
Yes.
GUBBIN
That romantic, boy-meets-girl, kissy-kissy kind of… ugh, never mind.
STAN
Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Look, you wanna know what she’s feeling deep down, you gotta ask her.
STAN
You’re a troll, she’s a troll, I thought you might –
GUBBIN
She’s a troll woman. Not really my field of expertise.
STAN
Well, okay, but…
GUBBIN
Ask her. That’s how troll courtship starts. One person or the other comes up and says, “I want to court you.”
STAN
Really? That’s it?
GUBBIN
Yeah. \ If there’s one thing your stupid business course got right, it’s communication. \
STAN
And if she says no?
GUBBIN
Then she says no. That’s it. Easy.
STAN
Easy!
GUBBIN
Now, if she says yes… then it gets complicated.
STAN
How so?
GUBBIN
There’s tests and trials… It’s probably gonna end in tears and/or major injury, but whatever. You go for it.
STAN
Just ask.
GUBBIN
Yup.
STAN
All right. Thanks Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Uh huh.
(under his breath)
Help! Help! I’m a tender little flower! Don’t hurt me!
(makes squishing noises)
STAN
You missed her too, didn’t you.
GUBBIN
Eh.
\
WORKER
Hey, can we get some beers down here?
\
CUSTOMER
++Excuse me! Can we get two beers?!++
“Pie hole” is so very Hugo.
GUBBIN
Shut your damn pie hole, I’m coming.
And yeah, the “rehearsing your lines” thing is a bit of a cliché, but vatevs.
STAN
“Hi Betula! I want to court you.” Oh boy.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — LATER
BETULA
Hey Stan. What do I owe?
STAN
It’s on the house.
BETULA
No.
STAN
Yes! Welcome back.
BETULA
Aww, you’re the best.
STAN
Listen, I… want to… ask you, did you go anywhere interesting?
BETULA
Interesting?
STAN
Yeah. After you ran away. Did you head east, like you were planning to?
BETULA
Mostly I’ve just been here in Grandville.
STAN
You were here? All this time?
BETULA
Yeah.
STAN
You didn’t come back to visit.
BETULA
Well, after that little argument with Uncle…
This bit about “being a thing” kind of wrote itself.
STAN
Right. Right. Say no more.
(beat)
It’s just that, well, you know. Maybe it’s just me, but I thought there might be a chance of you and me being, like, a thing.
BETULA
A “thing”.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
Uh… what kind of thing?
STAN
It’s an expression. It means, I want to… uh…
BETULA
You want to be a thing.
STAN
Yes. Yes.
BETULA
You mean, turning into a thing? That sounds more like a curse.
STAN
No, not like that. Ha ha, I mean, hopefully not! I just want to –
BETULA
I am so confused. So we’re trying not to turn into things?
STAN
No, no. A thing.
BETULA
Both of us… turning into one thing. Like, merging?
STAN
I mean… kind of?
BETULA
That sounds frightening.
STAN
Yeah. No. But that kind of thing. Both of us, together. In a romantic way.
BETULA
Oh, okay. Romantic… as in marriage?
STAN
Well, not right away! But, you know…
BETULA
Oh.
STAN
In the sense of a chain of events that might culminate in…
BETULA
Oh. You and me.
STAN
Sure.
BETULA
Marriage.
STAN
Well.
Their laughter here! Oh, the knife, how it twists.
Betula starts laughing. Stan laughs along with her, until she eventually stops herself.
BETULA
Sorry, sorry. It’s just — you thought we were a “thing”?
STAN
Oh, no, I thought that maybe you thought that.
BETULA
Really? Did I say something?
STAN
I dunno, it was more just a feeling. I mean, trolls and humans, there’s bound to be some…
BETULA
Misunderstandings.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
Well, for the record, if I wanted to court, I’d have said so.
STAN
Okay, good. That’s very clear.
BETULA
‘Cause you and me, we’re friends.
STAN
Right. Thanks.
BETULA
You’re my little human buddy. You’re always super nice and help me out with everything.
STAN
Yeah, that’s — exactly. I mean, I try.
BETULA
Gods, I hope you weren’t pining for me all this time.
When this episode hit, and people began shouting life advice at our characters on Twitter, I knew we were on to something.
STAN
Me? Naw. I’m good. I totally have a girlfriend and everything.
BETULA
You do? Oh, I’m glad! What’s she like?
STAN
Oh, she’s a poet, you know, very dark and brooding.
BETULA
That sounds like quite a match.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
Well, tell her she’d better not let you down. Eh?
STAN
Okay.
BETULA
No one hurts my little buddy.
STAN
Thanks.
BETULA
I should get going. Gotta be back across the street in the morning. Thanks for the beer, huh? I’ll see you tomorrow.
The punch just seemed like overkill.
\ She punches him on the shoulder. \
STAN
\ Ooof. \ Yeah, you’re welcome. See you tomorrow.
Betula heads out with some of her co-workers.
GUBBIN
You all right, kid?
STAN
Permission to go and die in a corner, sir?
GUBBIN
Well, like I say, it’s probably better than if she said yes.
STAN
Better how?
GUBBIN
Troll courtship gets complicated. The lady’s supposed to name a big test or trial for her suitor before he can win her hand.
STAN
What kind of trials?
GUBBIN
Could be a quest, could be a riddle, could be “build a house”. Depends what she’s after.
STAN
So is it different for guys? Did you make Johann do a big test? No, wait. Which one of you was, you know, the lady?
GUBBIN
None of us was the lady. Though I guess I did kind of challenge him to learn to cook troll food…
STAN
Aha! You were the lady.
GUBBIN
Eh, fair enough.
STAN
Awww, that’s sweet.
GUBBIN
\ Yeah. \ ++No, it’s not.++ Good night, Stan.
STAN
Good night, Gubbin.
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME