Our first ever remote-recorded guest role, and a trans-Atlantic one at that!
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 8: Cracking Up
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Eight: Cracking Up.
INT. BAR — MORNING
Betula and her crew burst in.
Betula returning with money and lording it over her uncle was something that just had to happen.
BETULA
Good morning! Ahoy! Barkeep!
GUBBIN
You again.
BETULA
Damn right. Let’s get some beers going here!
GUBBIN
It’s ten in the morning. Shouldn’t you all be, I dunno, working?
BETULA
Nope. The crew just found some big cracks in the foundation this morning, so we had to clear the site. No one goes in until they can get a town building inspector in there.
GUBBIN
Really. Sorry to hear it.
BETULA
But… since it’s circumstances out of our control, we’re still on the clock. Right, boss?
Hello again! Good grief, we need more guest actors who aren’t me.
MARCO
That’s right. Guild rules.
A cheer goes up at this. Betula slaps a coin down.
BETULA
I’ll get the first round.
GUBBIN
Sure thing.
Gubbin starts filling a tankard.
BETULA
Thanks, Uncle.
MARCO
Oh yeah. You two are related, huh?
BETULA
Yup. This is my uncle Gubbin.
GUBBIN
(grunts)
MARCO
Marco. Nice to meet you. So, does that mean you get a family discount here, Betula?
GUBBIN AND BETULA
Nope.
GUBBIN
She’s lucky I’m not throwing her out on her pointy ear. You the foreman over there?
MARCO
Yeah. I’m Betula’s boss.
GUBBIN
You poor bastard. Sure you don’t want something stronger?
MARCO
Ha ha. So, it must come from the other side of the family, huh? The size?
GUBBIN
Nah, troll women are just bigger.
MARCO
Ah, I gotcha. Well, we’re glad to have her. Though she better be careful she doesn’t work too hard, and make us little guys look bad.
GUBBIN
Aah, I wouldn’t be too worried.
BETULA
Watch it, Uncle.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR — LATER
MARCO
And the priest says, “Well, see if I buy an altar from those guys again!”
Laughter. Stan enters.
STAN
Morning, Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Stan.
STAN
Hey, what’s everyone doing over here? It’s not even lunchtime.
GUBBIN
They’re having some safety concerns over at the construction site.
STAN
Whoa, really?
MARCO
Yeah. Cracks in the foundation. We’re waiting for it to be inspected.
STAN
Aw, man. I guess construction’s gonna be delayed, huh?
MARCO
Yeah, couple days, at least.
STAN
Geez. I guess you can’t be too careful.
MARCO
I know. Might have to file a grievance about this inspector, too. He gave the all clear for this project a month ago, and then we suddenly discover cracks?
GUBBIN
Well, can’t say I blame him too much for not looking closer. There were squatters living in there for years.
MARCO
Yeah, we know.
On-brand humour.
GUBBIN
Did a whooole lot of squatting, if you know what I mean.
MARCO
Yeah. We know.
GUBBIN
But you know the real problem, it’s the river. This street floods every spring.
STAN
That’s why they call it Mud Street, see.
GUBBIN
It’s always washing away the ground from under you, and you better have good footings under your building, or one day — down it goes, like a drunken centaur. Whoomf! Ever seen a centaur go down? It ain’t pretty.
The door opens, and Dorothea enters. A hush falls.
MARCO
Oh no.
STAN
What’s going on? Who’s this?
MARCO
That’s the big boss. Dorothea Dannery.
STAN
Oh! The Badger and Bucket lady?
MARCO
Yeah, her.
Sarah Golding joined us via super duper trans-Atlantic audio link, and brought some sugar-coated menace to the role of Dorothea.
DOROTHEA
Mister Krabchov.
MARCO
Mrs Dannery.
DOROTHEA
I see your crew are enjoying their down time.
MARCO
Guild rules. We can’t go back to work, and the town inspector’s probably gonna be a couple of days –
DOROTHEA
Oh, the inspector just stopped by!
MARCO
What?
GUBBIN
How the hell did you manage that?
DOROTHEA
Well, it helps to be nice to the good folks at the town hall, and get all your papers in on time.
GUBBIN
You mean those funny little papers with pictures of the king?
DOROTHEA
Anyway, the inspector has declared our building perfectly sound.
MARCO
But… the foundation…
DOROTHEA
It turns out those weren’t actually cracks. Someone painted them on the walls.
GUBBIN
Painted! You sure?
DOROTHEA
Oh yes. It was still wet in places, even. Now, who would do such a thing?
GUBBIN
Could have been anyone.
STAN
Wait a minute…
Seriously, it’s like being told off by a salty-af Queen Elizabeth.
DOROTHEA
Mister Gurvasson, isn’t it? Lovely tavern, by the way. Very rustic, very down-to-earth.
GUBBIN
Uh huh.
DOROTHEA
Any idea who might want to delay our construction, Mister Gurvasson?
GUBBIN
We at the Axe and Crown welcome new businesses to the neighbourhood. Competition fosters innovation and creativity.
DOROTHEA
Well said, Mister Gurvasson. It sounds like we have much in common.
GUBBIN
Sure.
It’s all the funnier hearing Sarah deliver a line like this having heard her so often as Helen in A Scottish Podcast.
DOROTHEA
All right, everyone. Unfortunately, we’re on a schedule and it seems you’re all in no state to return to work.
MARCO
We didn’t figure the inspector would be out the same day.
DOROTHEA
And unless I’m seriously misreading our contract with the Builders and Bricklayers’ Guild… I’m afraid that means you’re all docked a full day’s pay.
Muttering and grumbling. A couple of shouts of “What!”
DOROTHEA (CONT’D)
And, well, I’m not pointing any fingers, but if it turned out that someone on this crew had painted those “cracks”, I hope the Guild would take appropriate steps.
MARCO
Nobody on my crew would ever do such a thing.
Consternation amongst the crew. “What about the troll?” “Yeah!”
BETULA
What about “the troll”? You think I had something to do with this?
DOROTHEA
My, look at you. What’s your name, dear?
Trolls seem to have patronymic or matronymic names, like Icelanders — which would make “Mister Gurvasson” an incorrect form of address.
BETULA
Betula. Anna Betula Erfydsdottir.
DOROTHEA
Any relation to Mister Gurvasson?
BETULA
What, just because we’re both trolls, you think we’re related?
MARCO
She’s his niece.
BETULA
Oh, thanks.
DOROTHEA
I see. And how long have you been with the Guild?
BETULA
Two days.
DOROTHEA
Really! How interesting.
MARCO
She’s just apprenticing. This is her first job with the Guild.
DOROTHEA
You didn’t look into her background?
BETULA
What background?
MARCO
She had a letter of reference from Stanway Gerrard — that’s Carlton Gerrard’s kid. Doesn’t get much bigger than that in this business.
Marco and his guild are surprisingly behind the times.
DOROTHEA
You know that the young Mister Gerrard was all but disowned by his father.
MARCO
Uh…
DOROTHEA
The only thing he inherited was this tavern.
MARCO
You’re kidding. This place?
DOROTHEA
Yes. In fact, that’s him right there.
STAN
Uh, hi!
MARCO
What? That’s Stanway Gerrard?
DOROTHEA
Well, I’d say it’s fairly obvious how this all played out. Mister Krabchov, it sounds like your Guild has been duped by a scheming landlord and tavernkeeper into hiring a saboteur.
When we have overlapping dialogue, I’m usually careful to record at least one take of each person on their own, in case I need to fine-tune the timing. But there was no need here at all. It did help that Dorothea’s dialogue was being recorded completely separately via Skype, of course.
STAN
Scheming — wait, you mean me? Why would I want to sabotage…
BETULA
(simultaneous)
I had nothing to do with this! You can’t just assume because we’re related…
DOROTHEA
I’d say the evidence is quite conclusive.
BETULA
I’d say my fist punching your face through the back of your head will be “quite conclusive”.
STAN
Whoa, whoa! Betula!
DOROTHEA
Mister Krabchov?
MARCO
Yeah, we, uh… the Grandville Guild of Builders and Bricklayers extends its sincere apologies for this incident, and wishes it known that Miss Betula Erfydsdottir is no longer in our employ.
BETULA
Marco. You know I didn’t do it.
MARCO
You just threatened to punch our client!
BETULA
She deserved it!
DOROTHEA
Well! As lovely as this has been, I’d best get back to the office. Oh, silly me. I almost forgot! The fellow asked me to deliver this.
GUBBIN
What fellow?
She unfolds a piece of paper.
Patterned after the bailiff’s work order in Alba S1 Episode 3.
DOROTHEA
“Bulletin from the Royal Building Inspector, County Grandville… all buildings between Harbour Street and the river’s edge require immediate inspection to ensure the soundness of their foundations, and must be closed to the public effective immediately.”
GUBBIN
What?! Where’s this Inspector?
DOROTHEA
Oh, I’m afraid he’s long gone. He’s such a busy fellow, you know. You’ll have to go to the town hall. Let’s see here… “Request for inspection may be filed, dah dah dah… inspection will take place four to six weeks after booking.”
STAN
Four to six weeks?!
DOROTHEA
I know. The bureaucracy in this town is simply unbearable. I’m so glad our building’s already been declared sound. Twice over, now! I suppose this emergency inspection today was something of a blessing in disguise, wasn’t it?
(to all)
I’m so sorry, everyone. You’re going to have to evacuate this tavern.
STAN
Wait!
GUBBIN
Gods dammit.
The grumbling workers head for the door.
I love how Dorothea sounds like she can’t keep the smile off her face through this whole bit, especially when she says “I have some vouchers…”
DOROTHEA
In the meantime, I have some vouchers good for fifteen percent off drinks and lodging at the Flounder and Bucket…
GUBBIN
Oh, don’t you dare.
DOROTHEA
Or the Buck and Bucket on Saddlehorn Lane.
BETULA
Get out of here, you phoney cow.
DOROTHEA
But do drink responsibly! We need you all back on site and ready to work at eight-thirty tomorrow morning. Right, Mister Krabchov?
MARCO
Yes, Ma’am.
DOROTHEA
Have a lovely day!
Dorothea leaves. The workers all start to shuffle out.
GUBBIN
All right. Now it’s a war.
MARCO
Well, so long, Betula. Gubbin. Thanks for nothing.
He leaves too. The door slams.
STAN
I can’t believe it.
GUBBIN
What? Don’t look at me.
BETULA
You lost me my job. You and your war.
GUBBIN
It’s her! It’s that woman, Dorothea. Trying to open a Bucket pub on our street!
BETULA
Yeah, across from a tavern run by a lunatic.
GUBBIN
We’re gonna show her.
BETULA
So. When you reopen…
STAN
If we ever reopen.
BETULA
Yeah. Think you’ll need a cook?
A perfect Hugo ad lib.
GUBBIN
(beat)
++Yeah, you know any?++
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME