This was Sean’s first time writing for The Axe & Crown (previously, he wrote a little sketch that became the first mini-episodes of Krankel Abroad). Over to you, Sean!
For this commentary, we’ve used the original recording script. Not all changes are noted, but we’ve marked lines that were deleted, and some added lines. You can also read a transcript of the episode as it was produced.
—Eli
The Axe & Crown
Season 1, Episode 9: Selected Shades of Pink
MUSIC — OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Nine: Selected Shades of Pink.
INT. BAR — MORNING
STAN
“Nannies wanted.”
BETULA
Maybe if I knew the first thing about human babies.
STAN
Ooo, “Mysticorp Energy — now hiring workers for new headquarters.” Oh wait, sorry, that one’s construction too.
BETULA
Yeah, and I’m blacklisted from every guild in town.
STAN
Right. Well, maybe next week.
BETULA
I can’t believe Uncle lost me my job.
STAN
Really?
We had a different joke here, but it quickly became apparent we could just run the last line again in the affirmative.
BETULA
I can totally believe Uncle lost me my job.
STAN
That’s more like it. Well, you can help me clean up around here. Pass me that tankard.
BETULA
(sighs, then)
So. How’s things with your girlfriend?
We wanted to give the characters time to address their relationship. It was supposed to be a bit awkward…
STAN
She’s not exactly — she’s — I mean — we’re not. Girlfriend is such a social construct, you know? Is she a girl who is also a friend or a friend who is a girl? Shut up, Stan. Right, shutting up now.
BETULA
Does this vixen who stole your sanity have a name?
STAN
Aura. Her name is Aura.
BETULA
Uh huh. Is she cute?
STAN
Oh yeah. Aw shucks. She has this way of pouting when she’s angry. These little dimples form right here. It sort of makes me want to upset her. Is that wrong?
BETULA
Sounds like she’s got you right where she wants you.
We went through a few iterations on “redder than…” Still not sure if we found the most (in)appropriately funny one.
STAN
Yeah. Totally. And you should see her hair — redder than an ogre’s cheeks. And she has these gossamer wings that you wouldn’t think would hold her up, at least I didn’t think so. And she dresses all in black. Very mysterious. And, you know, her choice in makeup is a little unusual, but it’s cool. She’s cool.
BETULA
Wings, huh?
STAN
Yeah. I know, right? And a tattoo!
BETULA
You don’t say.
STAN
Right on her…
(whispers)
That place where her pixie wings meet her lower back.
BETULA
You’re dating a pixie.
Send draft to Eli. Get draft back. Read your story that is now punched up with funny moments like this one!
STAN
I mean, I haven’t actually asked her out yet. But aside from that small, insignificant technicality…
I love this moment between our actors.
BETULA
Still. I’m happy for you, Stan.
STAN
Thanks. Me too.
Stan starts washing the tankards.
STAN (CONT’D)
I was sort of upset when you didn’t come back.
BETULA
I know. I’m sorry.
STAN
I really like you, Betula. And…
BETULA
I like you too, Stan. Just not as a boyfriend.
STAN
I know. I get it. But maybe I could be just your friend, who happens to be a boy. Or the other way around works too.
BETULA
I… I’d like that. Friends.
STAN
Woo hoo! And we can totally help each other out with advice on girls. And guys! I do know a thing or two about guys, you know.
BETULA
I’ll take your word for it.
STAN
Oo! Oo! We can go shopping together! I am the BEST at picking out tunic embroidery patterns.
BETULA
How about just trading advice for now?
Our actors kill me. You put something like this down on the page and then you just get out of the way.
STAN
Right. Good idea. Like — hey! Brain explosion! How do I ask out Aura? Do you know much about pixies?
BETULA
Don’t tell Gubbin, but I may have dated one.
STAN
How perfect is this? See, we’re sharing! Best friends ever! What was his name?
BETULA
She. Her name was Luciola.
STAN
Her… what?
I love how Stan and Betula play this as a touch more awkward yet still funny.
BETULA
It was back in college. I’d never been outside Trølsund, so I’d never met pixies before. Whew… she was a firecracker.
STAN
Say! Look at how dirty these tankards are.
BETULA
You don’t want to hear about it? Is this one of those human double vision things?
STAN
What? Oh, you mean double standard. No, it’s not one of those.
BETULA
Uh huh.
We’ve left Betula’s sexuality fluid on purpose. Definitions suck. And we also don’t know. We are letting things emerge.
STAN
No. It’s totally cool. So cool that I can’t even tell you how cool, because that wouldn’t be cool.
BETULA
Right.
STAN
How would you even kiss? Wait… did she fly? Or would you have to crouch down? Oh, hey Gubbin!
Gubbin enters the bar.
GUBBIN
Stan. Betula.
BETULA
What’s in the bag?
GUBBIN
Huh? This? Nothing. Just you mind your business. Aren’t there dishes to do or something?
STAN
All done! Betula helped! What have you been up to?
GUBBIN
Nothing, just out and about.
This line is Eli. I laugh just reading it.
BETULA
You don’t do “out”. Or “about”.
STAN
Yeah… What were you doing outside?
GUBBIN
What is this, the Mellurian Inquisition?
STAN
Just asking. Oh! Did you see the big hoarding they put up last night across the street?
GUBBIN
Hard to miss it.
This story got reworked a lot, and there are some remnants that don’t really make sense, e.g. a pub that is only a single storey patio versus Stan thinking they are working on a third storey. Basically, we needed a dangerous hoarding… and lost this detail until after.
STAN
Betula and I were trying to figure out what they were working on. I think it’s a third storey!
GUBBIN
Don’t know, don’t care. I want that woman and her make-believe bar off my street.
STAN
You mean Dorothea? She’s actually really nice once you get to know her.
GUBBIN
Oh, so you’re buddies now. Surprise, surprise.
STAN
Dorothea’s got big plans. Even beyond the Badger and Bucket. Did you know she’s forming an alliance of all the businesses along this side of the river? I told her we’d join. We just have to clean up a few things.
GUBBIN
I knew it. She’s taking over.
STAN
No. It’s to build community, improve the neighbourhood… That’s what the the ELBO District Coalition is all about.
Eli mocking gentrification as only Eli can.
BETULA
Elbow District?
STAN
It’s the name of the neighbourhood.
GUBBIN
Thought it was called “Mud Street”.
STAN
It stands for East of the Lookout Bridge Overpass.
BETULA
And the W stands for…?
STAN
There’s no W. It’s just E‑L-B‑O.
GUBBIN
See, they can’t even spell.
STAN
You guys are missing the point. ELBO is about renewal. Breathing new life into a beloved old neighbourhood.
GUBBIN
Right, developer talk. I see why you like her.
STAN
We just want to make the neighbourhood nicer.
GUBBIN
See, that’s the problem. You make a place “nice” and suddenly people want to live here…
STAN
Ugh, people. Gosh. Don’t want any of those living here.
GUBBIN
And the nicer it gets, the more they want to come here. And they start trying to outbid each other. Until only rich people can afford to live in the nice place and everyone else gets sent packing. That’s what’s wrong with “nice”.
BETULA
What do they mean by renewal? What do they actually do?
STAN
One, they’re lobbying the mayor for more town guards in the area to crack down on illegal activities.
GUBBIN
Illegal activities? Right here in the “ELBO”? Surely you jest.
Not our most elegant introduction of a critical bit of exposition, but our actors worked hard to make it flow.
STAN
No, it’s rife with crime. There’s muggings, graffiti… yesterday some guy tried to sell me spiked gingerbread. And “crennies”. I have no idea what those even are.
BETULA
Crenulated spirits. They’re this alchemical thing. Back in school, people used to take ’em when they were studying for exams.
STAN
Oh yeah, those! You literally speed up, right?
BETULA
Right. Well, I don’t.
GUBBIN
Sure, you’d never partake.
BETULA
I’m too big. The smaller you are, the more it speeds you up. Heh… when Luciola took them she was pretty much in three places at once…
STAN
Well! Anyway. That’s one thing we won’t have to worry about if Dorothea gets her way.
GUBBIN
Every mayor that comes in says they’re gonna clean up the streets.
STAN
Yeah, but the ELBO District Coalition is serious. And get this — they’re going to offer money to places that want to renovate…
GUBBIN
And they’ll be charging how many hundred percent in interest?
STAN
Their rates aren’t that bad. But they do have to raise money to pay for all the improvements. As Dorothea says, “Membership has its privileges. And its dues.” Here.
Stan produces a flyer.
GUBBIN
Is this for real?
STAN
See, members get discounts from local suppliers. Look at this — half price on pink paint from Squigley’s Pigments!
GUBBIN
Just what we need.
BETULA
Yeah, that sounds very you, Uncle. Why only pink paint?
See Alba Salix, Episode 3. It felt good to have a worldbuilding reference back to Alba! Almost like we aren’t totally flying by the seat of our pants.
STAN
There was this decree for the Queen’s big birthday celebration. Every building within sight of the Palace had to be painted in royally approved shades of pink.
GUBBIN
That was months ago.
STAN
Right, but it’s still in force. A direct decree from the Palace, and you do not want to mess with the Bailiff’s Office. The fine for having an off-colour building is still four hundred crowns.
BETULA
Four hundred?
GUBBIN
It was a pretty expensive birthday party.
Marisa — who also plays the queen in question — suggested a little in-joke here.
BETULA
++Pfff. Queens.++
STAN
But with the discount, the paint should only run us about seventy-five.
(he turns over the flyer)
I’m thinking Salmon Sunrise would look good. Or Flustered Flamingo.
Eli had way too much fun coming up with these colours. I think one of mine may even have made the final cut.
BETULA
I kind of like Iced Raspberry.
STAN
That might clash with our sign. What about Presumptuous Coral?
GUBBIN
No. No painting. We’re not within sight. You can’t even see the Palace until you’re halfway down to River Street.
STAN
But the discount…
From outside comes the sound of wood splintering and giving way with a massive crash. Betula and Stan rush to the window.
BETULA
Kriispar flekkin! What was that?
GUBBIN
No idea.
BETULA
The new hoarding across the street just fell down.
STAN
Oh my gosh! Is anyone hurt?
GUBBIN
‘Course no one’s hurt. It’s Sunday. No one on site.
BETULA
What about the security guard?
GUBBIN
He’s probably around the other side of the building.
BETULA
Probably!
STAN
I’m gonna go check.
He rushes out.
BETULA
What did you do, Uncle?
GUBBIN
Nothing! I did nothing to that hoarding.
BETULA
To the hoarding.
GUBBIN
But on my way past, I did notice they got a big pitchwood beetle infestation. Serves them right for using cheap imported lumber.
BETULA
You wouldn’t have anything to do with the sudden appearance of these beetles.
GUBBIN
They’re there naturally! Pretty much any piece of pitchwood in the world is full of ’em. There’s no way you can stop them, just slow them down.
BETULA
Or speed them up.
GUBBIN
Now why would someone want to do that?
There’s a lot of tricky pacing here. But the cast totally kept this movin’!
Stan returns.
STAN
It’s okay, no one’s hurt. But the hoarding all fell down and… you’re not gonna believe what was behind it.
BETULA
Try us.
They all peer out the door.
GUBBIN
Yeah, let’s see. Wait, they took all the walls off.
I was committed to this metaphor but we were debating if we needed to take it further. So we asked Art to run with it in the studio. And man, did he deliver!
STAN
Exactly! The Badger and Bucket is the first of a new concept in patio pubs! The entire bar is a pa-ti‑o. It’s like a pie without the crust \ and icing and ice cream! \ ++And then icing on top of where the crust would be! And ice cream put on top of the icing –++
GUBBIN
A patio. That’s it?
STAN
Totally my idea. But so much cooler!
GUBBIN
Great minds think alike.
STAN
But who would build the hoarding so rickety that it would just come crashing down like that? Someone could have been killed!
BETULA
Yeah, Uncle. Who indeed?
GUBBIN
I dunno. And in my neighbourhood, too. Stan, you better alert the Armpit Coalition.
STAN
ELBO.
GUBBIN
Shameful.
BETULA
I’ll say. Causing damage, giving illicit potions to the pitchwood beetles…
STAN
Giving what to the what?
GUBBIN
I have no idea what she’s on about.
BETULA
Every board in that hoarding is full of beetles, apparently. So what would happen if you fed those beetles crenulated spirits?
GUBBIN
Preposterous.
STAN
They’d probably go nuts and eat everything. You think that’s what happened?
BETULA
I have my suspicions.
STAN
But who would do a thing like that?
BETULA
(clears her throat)
STAN
Gubbin! You didn’t. Did you?
GUBBIN
I can neither confirm nor deny any involvement…
STAN
Oh geez, what if they finish eating all the hoarding, and they’re still hungry? What if they come over here looking for more?
GUBBIN
Nah. These are oak beams. They won’t touch ’em. And pitchwood beetles like it dry. They’re not gonna cross all that mud.
BETULA
See? Nothing to worry about. Uncle’s got it all worked out.
There’s another huge crash from across the street.
BETULA (CONT’D)
Yup.
GUBBIN
Now what?
STAN
Oh my gosh.
BETULA
That was the old shack next to the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
I’ll be right back.
He heads out again.
BETULA
So. Do you figure it was made of pitchwood too?
GUBBIN
Yeah, probably.
BETULA
You don’t sound so sure this time.
GUBBIN
Just hoping no one got hurt.
BETULA
Well, why don’t you go out and help Stan check?
GUBBIN
I think maybe I’ll get a pail and go wet down the mud in front of our place, just to be on the safe side.
As he does, Stan returns.
STAN
So, good news… Looks like no one was in there. It’s vacant too. The bad news is, the beetles are still on the move.
BETULA
Nice one, Uncle.
STAN
But the other good news is, between the two, we’ve got an amazing view!
Gubbin surely would have reacted sooner if he had a problem with the light, and it didn’t quite make sense to have them opening and closing the curtains.
GUBBIN
\ Ugh. Close those damn curtains. It’s blinding. \
++ Whoa! ++
STAN
Look, you can see the north shore, all the way up to the palace.
Pause.
GUBBIN
Dammit.
BETULA
The palace, huh?
STAN
So the other other good news…
GUBBIN
(sighs)
Fifty percent off pink paint?
STAN
If we join.
What colour did they choose?? Find out, in the next exciting episo… well, okay, in a throwaway gag in the season finale.
BETULA
So. Salmon, or Flustered Flamingo?
MUSIC — CLOSING THEME