Gubbin and Betula make their way back to Trølsund for a relative’s funeral, and bring Stan along for the ride.
Starring Hugo Jones, Hugo Jones and Art Carlson
Script and sound design by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Content warning: bereavement, nationalism, extreme seasickness.
ELI
Hi everyone.
It’s Eli here, with another bonus scene from The Axe & Crown, Season 2. This time the gang are on a road trip in a bittersweet little story called Funeral.
Music sting.
AT SEA
Ocean waves, distant seagulls and the creaking of a wooden ship. Rain and spray splatter the deck. Thunder rumbles in the distance.
BETULA
So what do you think you’re gonna say to your Ma?
GUBBIN
I dunno. “Hey there, Ma. Hate what you’ve done with the place. Your sister was a much better troll than you.”
BETULA
Fair.
GUBBIN
Yeah.
BETULA
Does your Ma still have those flags up?
GUBBIN
Last I heard. And the great big wooden sword. “Trølsund for the trolls!”
BETULA
Ugh. Gross.
GUBBIN
Yeah.
STAN
(seasick)
Ughhh.
BETULA
Easy there, Stan. It’s just a little storm.
STAN
Yeah. Just… a little storm…
GUBBIN
You got any more guts left in there, kid?
STAN
Guys? How much further to Trølsund? Like, for real, not just “Oh, we’re almost there” further but for realsies further?
BETULA
Well, we’re just rounding the Raserkap. We just have to get past that.
STAN
Okay. And then it’s smooth sailing after that, right?
BETULA
Then we have to get through the Grimspal Current. And then the sailing… will definitely… begin to get smoother.
STAN
Noooo… that’s the wrong answer.
BETULA
No, you’re gonna get through this, Stan.
STAN
(groans)
Maybe when you get there you guys can have a double funeral. Just mention my name somewhere in there and roll my body off a cliff into the sea.
GUBBIN
Why did we bring him again?
BETULA
You agreed. Stan said he wanted to see Trølsund, and you said fine, let’s all go to Great-Aunt Bragdyn’s funeral.
GUBBIN
Well, I defy you to put up with that kind of pestering and not snap.
Stan begins humming to distract himself.
BETULA
And also you didn’t want to leave him in charge of the tavern.
GUBBIN
More to the point, yeah.
BETULA
Anyway, Stan really is like family now. Back in Grandville, we’ve only got each other, you and me, and Stan too.
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spare me the group hugs. Makes me want to take a shower.
(sudden horror)
Oh. Oh no.
BETULA
What’s up? You leave something on the stove back home?
GUBBIN
No. Worse than that. If we’re all family, everybody back home is gonna be asking about… you know.
BETULA
About… oh!
(she starts to laugh)
GUBBIN
No.
BETULA
You and Stan!
GUBBIN
No, no, this is not funny.
BETULA
(laughing)
Well, it is.
GUBBIN
No.
BETULA
We’ll just tell them the truth.
GUBBIN
No one’s gonna believe that! Who brings their goddamn landlord to a funeral?
It was bad enough when I was a kid and they were always asking, “When are you gonna bring home a big strong girl to marry?” Now they’re gonna think that me and Captain Puke over there are an item.
BETULA
What’s so bad about that? He can’t even speak Trølsig. He’s not gonna say anything offensive.
GUBBIN
He may only know three words of Trølsig, but I bet you money he can say something offensive within five minutes.
BETULA
Eh, he’s not you.
We’ll just tell him to smile and nod and keep quiet.
GUBBIN
Ugh. The whole family’s gonna be all over us, asking when the wedding is. Ma’s gonna go off about mixed marriages…
No. Betula, you’ve gotta tell everybody he’s your boyfriend.
BETULA
Oh, great, so I get all the crap from your Ma instead? That’s nice.
Look, Stan had a thing for me for a while there. And he’s so good about it, but I think he still kinda does. I don’t want to keep poking at that wound for him.
GUBBIN
Oh, Betula, Betula, Betula, I am begging you.
BETULA
What’s it worth to you?
GUBBIN
Free rent for a month. Okay, a year. I’ll fix the stove.
I’ll personally re-sand all the planks in your bed.
I’ll even give you your own key to the security system!
BETULA
Keep talking.
Music sting.
TWO DAYS LATER
On board a wagon, wooden wheels rumbling as it makes its way down a road through the forest.
GUBBIN
(drunk and laughing)
Whoa! Was that or was that not the best sendoff a troll could possibly ask for?
BETULA
Ohhh. I’ve never seen a funeral boat go up like that!
(laughs)
GUBBIN
Ba-JING!
Thank you, thank you, that was one of my best if I do say so myself.
BETULA
My ears are still ringing! Your Auntie Brag would have been proud.
GUBBIN
That was the kaboom to end all kabooms!
BETULA
(laughs)
STAN
(weakly)
Hi. Guys, you’re being really loud.
Gubbin and Betula shush each other.
GUBBIN
Oh! Sorry kid, we thought you were sleeping it off.
STAN
Well, I was.
BETULA
Here, Stan, drink some more water.
STAN
Everything hurts me now.
BETULA
Tell me about it.
GUBBIN
Heh heh heh.
STAN
Everything hurts.
GUBBIN
Just be glad you didn’t jump in bed with a troll woman. Then it’d be really everything hurts.
BETULA
Yeah, running off with Cousin Fjanne is definitely not something you want to do after drinking a whole quart of Billi-buz mead.
STAN
I mean, she seemed nice, but that cousin of yours is very forward, did anyone else notice how forward she was?
BETULA
Oh yeah. She is forward, but you, Stan, you charmed the hell out of her. And she hasn’t met a lot of humans, so I don’t think she quite gets the differences.
STAN
There was this moment when she realized we were telling the truth and that I was single.
GUBBIN
(cackles)
And there you were like a little bunny rabbit with the big ol’ wolf eyeing you like you was a tasty little morsel!
STAN
I mean, it was really flattering, I guess. But hey, Betula, thanks for stepping in. That was really nice of you.
BETULA
Hey, of course.
GUBBIN
No one hurts Betula’s little bunny. Heh heh.
BETULA
Shut up, Uncle.
STAN
It’s not something I was expecting at a big funeral, to be honest, but hey.
BETULA
No. It’s called lif-blink. A moment where you remember that life is short and act on impulse.
STAN
And try to bang a complete stranger.
BETULA
Or whatever.
STAN
Sure.
BETULA
Doesn’t have to be about sleeping with someone. It hits everyone differently. Sometimes it’s just about doing something you’ve always wanted to do.
STAN
Is that why you got up and sang at the wake?
BETULA
(bashful)
Yeah, I guess it was. That felt good.
STAN
You have a nice voice, by the way.
BETULA
Thanks, Stan.
STAN
Who knows? You know, maybe if we’d had more time here, we could have hit it off, Fjanne and me. Too bad we had to leave in such a hurry.
BETULA
Yeah. Why did you want to get on the road before dawn, anyway?
GUBBIN
Oh, you know. Reasons.
BETULA
Such as?
GUBBIN
I just wanted to get on the road before Ma got up and discovered all the decorations were missing from her house.
BETULA
Oh, and what happened to those, exactly?
GUBBIN
Well, funny you should ask. They went up with in the big kaboom in middle of the lake.
BETULA
You put all her Trølsund for the Trolls junk on the funeral boat?
GUBBIN
Yup!
BETULA
(laughs heartily)
That’s amazing. Great-Aunt Bragdyn would have loved that.
STAN
(laughs weakly)
GUBBIN
Yup.
BETULA
Oh. Looks like we’re almost there.
STAN
Wait, what? Really? We’re home already?
BETULA
No… I meant we’re almost to the harbour.
GUBBIN
Yup! Time to get back on the boat, bunny boy!
STAN
There’s another boat?
GUBBIN
Yep! It’s a longer one, ’cause now we’re going against the currents!
(cackles)
STAN
Maybe that Fjanner cousin of yours wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe she has room in her little tiny troll house…
GUBBIN
Wait, I have some pea soup for you to eat before you get on!
STAN
(heaves)
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ELI
This bonus episode of The Axe & Crown starred Hugo Jones, Hugo Jones and Art Carlson.
Script and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard.
And as always, thanks for your support. Cheers and good health!
OUTTAKE
ART CARLSON (STAN)
Is there any way to avoid the boat?
HUGO JONES (GUBBIN)
Ha ha! Yeah, there is, but then you’d have to fly over the mountains on the back of a roc, and if you think the boat is choppy, you’ve never been on a roc ride, baby!
ART CARLSON (STAN)
I don’t think that I made it clear that I don’t like boats.