It’s Farlorian Friday, and time for a little culture in this deleted scene from Alba Salix, Season 2. We had to cut it for time, but we’re hoping to record it and release it as a future bonus!
INT. OPERA HOUSE
An orchestra tunes up, while the audience talks in sibilant whispers.
FIRST OPERA-GOER
“A tour de force”, I’m told.
SECOND OPERA-GOER
Well, we shall see. I hope we can at least put that wretched ballet last season behind us.
FIRST OPERA-GOER
Ugh! The music was bad enough, but the costumes!
SECOND OPERA-GOER
Say no more.
FIRST OPERA-GOER
Ugh. Have they replaced these seats? My tail is getting crushed.
Magnus and Holly work their way down the aisle, bumping into patrons as they approach.
MAGNUS
Excuse me.
HOLLY
Pardon me. Sorry.
MAGNUS
Coming through.
SECOND OPERA-GOER
(with distaste)
The human section is up there.
HOLLY
I’m a fairy, I’ll have you know.
SECOND OPERA-GOER
(scoffs)
Humanoid, then. Who can tell all you little things apart?
Holly flutters her wings angrily.
HOLLY
Look! Wings!
MAGNUS
Okay, maybe don’t antagonize everyone in our row, Holly.
They move on.
FIRST OPERA-GOER
They’re just letting anyone in now.
SECOND OPERA-GOER
Sad, isn’t it?
HOLLY
This looks like a good spot.
MAGNUS
All this fuss just to get a few dragon tears. I bet I could make a dragon cry without having to sit through an opera.
HOLLY
Who’s being antagonizing now?
MAGNUS
I’m not!
HOLLY
You always have to resort to violence.
MAGNUS
Who said anything about violence? Look, we just tell a couple dragons a sad story, collect their tears, and buzz off.
HOLLY
Dragons almost never cry.
MAGNUS
Well, this better be one sad freakin’ opera, then.
Holly opens her program.
HOLLY
Oh, dragon opera is where they let it all those feelings out! It’s always so big and tragic and passionate and emotional. And this show is supposed to be amazing.
(reads)
“Enziga Krammarbatch: an audacious new work of theatrical magic.” And we can say we saw it on opening night!
MAGNUS
You can say that. I’m gonna be over here sleeping.
HOLLY
Magnus, don’t you dare! You need to be ready with your pan.
MAGNUS
Alba got me up at four this morning and I’ve been riding on carts and wagons all day to get here. My bruises have bruises. All so I can come here to watch dragons stomp around and sing.
HOLLY
But how amazing is that? Dragons! Stomping around! Singing! It’s high culture!
Someone hisses, “Shhhh!”
The audience breaks into applause, then falls silent as the conductor taps a baton.
Then the music starts: pummeling, atonal strings and brass. The audience gasps, then begins to boo and especially hiss.
MAGNUS
Oh man, four hours of this?
The strings hang on a particularly nerve-shredding chord. Jeers from the audience.
HOLLY
Okay, this is a little different than I was expecting.
A soprano begins to belt out her first notes — only to be cut short by the whistle and splat of overripe produce. She tries to continue but is chased off the stage by more thrown objects.
MAGNUS
All right! This is more like it.
More boos. The audience begins throwing chairs.
HOLLY
Magnus, run!
MAGNUS
Are you kidding? This right here is worth the trip.
The shouts turn to roars. Fire starts to crackle.
MAGNUS
Yeah! Burn it all down! Woo!
HOLLY
I’m getting out of here.
MAGNUS
Haha! You scared of a little dragon riot?
HOLLY
Yes, actually!
MAGNUS
Some people don’t know how to have a good time. Whoaaa! Hey! Put me down!
One of the dragons picks Magnus up and flings him across the theatre.
MAGNUS
High culture can kiss my aaaass!
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
Magnus and Holly stagger in, shell-shocked.
ALBA
Holly! Magnus!
MAGNUS
Dragon opera? Can go suck it.
HOLLY
I still can’t feel my wings.
ALBA
What happened?
HOLLY
It was a brand new opera. Very controversial.
MAGNUS
It sounded like a herd of elephants decided to start an orchestra-slash-wrestling league.
ALBA
That’s how it usually sounds.
HOLLY
No, no, I’ve heard dragon opera. This was… different. It was audacious and iconoclastic.
MAGNUS
You know, when those guys decide to have a riot, they don’t mess around.
HOLLY
Some people throw tomatoes. Dragons throw forty-pound pumpkins.
MAGNUS
And sides of beef.
HOLLY
And fairies.
MAGNUS
And humans.
ALBA
So, in other words, you didn’t get any tears at all.
MAGNUS
Nope, none. Except… for this huge damn bottle.
He sets the bottle on the counter.
ALBA
What? That’s… that’s nearly a pint.
HOLLY
You’re welcome!
ALBA
What’s really in this bottle?
HOLLY
Tears! Genuine dragon tears! See, after they burned down the amphitheatre…
ALBA
After they what?
MAGNUS
Yeah, I mean, you’d think dragons of all people would know how to make things fireproof.
HOLLY
We found the soprano and the theatre owner in the bar across the street, getting drunk and crying their eyes out. They were so heartbroken.
ALBA
Really!
MAGNUS
I want it on record that I had nothing to do with any of the property damage that occurred.
ALBA
All right. Good work.
HOLLY
Yay! Go team!
Holly and Magnus high-five.
MAGNUS
Ow. I’m gonna go lie down now.