It’s Farlorian Friday, and time for another deleted scene, this time from the first season of Alba Salix. It’s the opening scene to an episode that went unfinished, but perhaps we’ll get back to it in due course…
SCENE — HOUSE OF HEALING
ALLIGATOR
Excuse me.
MAGNUS
Yeah, take a seat, a nurse will be with you in a moment.
ALLIGATOR
Excuse me, sir.
MAGNUS
Look, just because you’re an alligator, you don’t get special treatment. Take a seat.
ALLIGATOR
Sir, are you Brother Magnus of Hezelford?
MAGNUS
Who’s asking?
ALLIGATOR
I am here representing the National Lottery of the Dutchy of Almoston, and we are here to award you your prize of one point four million pieces of silver.
MAGNUS
How do you do? I’m Brother Magnus of Hezelford.
ALLIGATOR
Ha ha. A little joke. Mister Magnus, I am Andre the Alligator from the firm of Twillingate, Nightingale and Alligator, Solicitors and Litigators.
MAGNUS
You son of a lizard!
ALLIGATOR
No need for slurs, good sir. I am here on behalf of my clients, the Haloumi brothers, Herbert, Hal and Harry.
MAGNUS
Don’t know ’em.
ALLIGATOR
On the contrary, good sir. They have sworn that they did receive treatment at your premises on the fifteenth of this October past…
MAGNUS
Look, I don’t remember any Haloumi…
ALLIGATOR
When you did perform restorative surgery upon their persons to reattach their tails.
MAGNUS
Oh! Wait, those guys. The mice… the three…
ALLIGATOR
…vision-impaired gentlemen of the murine persuasion.
MAGNUS
After that crazy old bat nailed ’em with the carving knife.
ALLIGATOR
Quite so.
MAGNUS
Good times.
ALLIGATOR
I’m afraid not, Mister Magnus. The three of them have brought a complaint against you for malpractice.
MAGNUS
What?
ALLIGATOR
Meaning that you muffed up the job.
MAGNUS
I know what malpractice means. I didn’t muff up anything!
ALLIGATOR
The three brothers have testified that you gave them the wrong tails.
MAGNUS
What? They’re all mice. They’re brothers, for Zeus’s sake. How can they tell?
ALLIGATOR
You gave each of them the tail of a beaver.
MAGNUS
Nonsense.
ALLIGATOR
I believe that this briefcase will prove otherwise.
MAGNUS
What’s in the briefcase?
SOUND: Briefcase laid on desk, latches snap open
ALLIGATOR
Now, I believe you know these gentlemen.
HERBERT
Where is he? Where is that quack? I’ll kill him.
ALLIGATOR
Other way. He’s over here.
SOUND: Little whirl and smack
HERBERT
Where? Where?
HAL
Ow! Herbie, your tail.
HERBERT
Sorry, Hal. You see? You see what he did to us?
MAGNUS
The tails are looking good there.
HARRY
They’re too heavy! We can barely move!
MAGNUS
Well, you need to exercise more. Build the muscles back up.
HERBERT
Look, fella, I got a beaver tail now. You try and fit down a mousehole with one of these things.
MAGNUS
But it’s way more useful than an old mouse tail. Think of it. You could signal to other mice by slapping your tail against the surface of the water.
HAL
You think we can swim with these?
MAGNUS
Fine, be that way. What do you want from me, money?
ALLIGATOR
No. My clients wish to settle this by wager of battle.
MAGNUS
A duel? Okay, now you’re talking.
ALLIGATOR
The trial of Haloumi, Haloumi and Haloumi versus Magnus of Hezelford shall take place at the Palace at nine o’clock tomorrow evening. I shall represent the brothers Haloumi. Do you wish to appoint a champion to represent you in the trial?
MAGNUS
Not a chance. It’s doctor versus lawyer.
HERBERT
He’s gonna kick your ass, you son of a cat!
MAGNUS
Bring it on.