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24: Diamonds and Diversions

Time is flowing strangely as Darcy and Eggerton make their way to Celene’s palace – and Blat prepares for a fateful confrontation.

The Peeps This Week:

Content Warning: Painful deaths; shouting and screaming and asthma; sexual harassment and general confusion.

THE TEMPLE

SEAN

We open outside the temple Idris and a book is laying half open on the grounds. No one is in sight as a sound builds in the air and the wind halts and the trees stop rustling as time pauses for a millisecond, and there’s a popping sound and Darcy appears a little singed at the edges but overall in good health standing on top of the book.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh…

(huffing)

Lazbo, Lazbo!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

What? Darcy? I’ll be right there! I’m fighting off some flying alligators!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Ahhhhh! Get back, get back! You heard me! No, get off the flowers! Oh god… no… stay away! Oh, oh, oh! Oh Darcy, Darcy, run! Run, run! Alligators… flying!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ahhhh! What is going on?!

MIKE (AS A FLYING ALLIGATOR)

We are here to collect you to be part of an experiment.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who are you?!

MIKE (AS A FLYING ALLIGATOR)

(weirdly small voice)

I am Steve.

MIKE (AS ANOTHER FLYING ALLIGATOR)

And I am Bob. We are the flying alligators.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you talking about?!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

(out of breath)

I don’t know… they’re flying alligators. Oh god, I’m just gonna stand behind you if that’s okay, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Lazbo, do you know these flying alligators?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Well yes, that one’s Steve and I believe that one’s Bob.

MIKE (AS BOB THE FLYING ALLIGATOR)

No, no, no. I’m Bob. He’s Steve.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Sorry. Yeah, no, that one is Bob.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did you know them before? Today?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No. They just showed up in the garden. They were trying to find you.

MIKE (AS STEVE THE FLYING ALLIGATOR)

Yeah, we’re here to collect someone for a scientific experiment. Uh, we’re looking for a… uh… oh… what was the name again? Oh, yeah. It’s Darvon. We’re looking for a Darvon?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, that’s not me.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Oh, no?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Hah. Well, we are so embarrassed. Um, here… well, here… here’s a couple of gold pieces for the garden. Ummm.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, thank you.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

You’re welcome. Uh, okay, well, we’ll just head out and uh… have any of you heard of a Darvon?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No, sorry.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

No?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Well, maybe we’re on the wrong continuum… again. That happens from time to time.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yeah, no big deal.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But wait, wait.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

If you fly?

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Um-hm.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you sometimes take passengers to go long distances?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Darcy, what are you saying?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I don’t know. Couldn’t they help us get to where I need to go, which is back to Celene’s castle?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, right, right, the castle.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Wait, wait, did you say Celene?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, the Goddess of the Moon.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Okay, we’re out. Umm…

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why?!

MIKE (AS BOB)

We’re not messing with Celene; she’s the Goddess of the Moon. She’s powerful.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Weelllll… she’s not that powerful is she?

MIKE (AS BOB)

She turned us into flying alligators so I’d say yeah, she’s pretty damn powerful!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You make a good point.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

That’s a good point.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That is a good point.

MIKE (AS BOB)

Uh huh. Uh huh.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, would you know of a way… uh… people wanting to pay homage… uh… like us… would you know of a way we could get to her special ice castle?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

C‑carrying our weapons.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, no… what he means to say… not our weapons… our sacraments! That’s what he meant to say.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, I thought you said for me to go get my weapons.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh yeah… well, no… the sacraments.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Those look like weapons to us.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, there’s… they’re holy.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

They’re holey?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They’re holy… relics.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

They look pretty full to me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They’re holy relics that we are bringing to Celene.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I don’t get it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s OK.

MIKE (AS STEVE)

Because if they were holey, they would have holes in them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS BOB)

Right. It’s… it’s… it’s a double meaning on the word holy. Holy can also mean of religious or spiritual importance.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Your voice has changed.

MIKE (AS BOB)

That’s because I’m Bob and he’s…

(cracking up)

Steve, I think it was. Look, anyway, we gotta go… we gotta go! Just find us…

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

OK. Would you like a sandwich for the road?

MIKE (AS BOB)

Yeah, of course, we want a sandwich for the road.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Here you go. I’ll put it on the ground.

MIKE (AS BOB)

(viciously devours sandwich)

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Holy shoite. Second?

MIKE (AS BOB)

Nice mustard. Okay, but what you want to do is find some fairies to help you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. Well, that makes sense.

MIKE (AS BOB)

That’s the answer.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

OK.

MIKE (AS BOB)

That’s a much better offer. Okay. We’ll see you guys later. Bye!

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Marisa King and Carter Siddall.

Episode 24: Diamonds and Diversions.

SEAN

We cut to late at night. There’s a campfire going. We are a few miles from the tree. And Darcy is sitting staring into the fire somewhat forlornly as Lazbo finishes setting the packs all together and setting out the bedrolls.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(deep sigh)

So Lazbo…

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yes, yes, I’ll be right there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you know how to make those transporter things that you smash on the ground? You know, do you gather materials around here and do your people know how to create them? Maybe we could do that?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yeah, no… we basically get them from Mother Speckly.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(disappointed)

Ohhhhh.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

She gives them and tells us to… she opens the portals for us.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right. Okay.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Sorry. Umm…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I just don’t think we’re gonna be able to walk back to the castle. That’s not a great idea.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, I know. I know. I just don’t know what else to do. I did give you the good bedroll though.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s very kind of you Lazbo. Thank you.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

You’re welcome.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, I am pretty tired.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yeah, it’s been a long day for you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And for you, really.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yeah, those flying alligators.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uggh. Yeah, that was very odd.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I wish there was more I could do. Umm… yeah. I’ll stay up on the first watch if you want to get some rest.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’d be great. You don’t happen to know of any fae stones around here, do you?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yuh. Yeah, there’s a fae stone.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You do know where a fae stone is?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yeah, there’s a fae stone.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I think we need to get to the fae stone.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I thought we were going to the castle.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I don’t think we can get to the castle without a fae stone.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, so we should go to the fae stone?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we should go to the fae stone.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Right now?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I think we should because frankly, the prophet could be in big trouble right now at this very moment.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

But then I have to put the bedrolls back.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I’ll help you.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay. Okay. Alright. I just made this for you. I was sorta hoping…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we could still eat the marshmallows.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, yeah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’ll eat the marshmallows.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

OK, we’ll eat the marshmallows and then we’ll put the bedrolls away.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And then we’ll put the bedrolls away and then we’ll walk to the fae stone.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Right. It’s only about three weeks walking.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Well, we better get started then.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay, after the marshmallows!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

After the marshmallows.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay.

SEAN

Darcy and Lazbo are walking along a trail in a new direction. And it’s hot. The sun is beating down. It feels like they have been walking for many days. Because they have… when they come across an unexpected person at the side of the road ahead.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

(tired)

Are there anymore marshmallows?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(weakly)

No, we ate all the marshmallows Lazbo; there’s only a little bit of water left.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Well you should drink it. I don’t need water as much.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Really? Are you sure? Your skin’s turning a bit purply.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yeah, I’m just saying that. You should drink it though.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no here we’ll… we’ll share it. Let’s… wait… who’s… who’s that up ahead?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

(shouting in questionable Austrian accent)

Yeah, hello! Hello?!!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Hello!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I am in need of assistance!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we can’t really assist much; we barely have anything to offer.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You do not have anything?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Um, I have some mustard.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

MAHHHH… mustard. I will enjoy the mustard. I have not eaten in several days.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, if you have some mustard, Lazbo, to spare… I guess.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay, do you want Sparkly, Striped or just plain mustard?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Sparkly and stri… youuu must be some sort of wizard! Sparkly and striped mustard?! I just know regular yellow mustard.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Well, I wouldn’t say I’m a wizard but I am working on it, you know.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You’re working to become a wizard?! You are the most impressive people I have ever met! I am merely a humble portal salesman.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I‑I’m sorry. What did you say?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Thank you ‘cos I have been really working on myself and improving.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

That’s quite impressive.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Thank you, thank you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, that’s, that’s… Lazbo… that’s good.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I have other kinds of mustard I can make too if you’re interested.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Did you learn this from a spell book of some sort?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No, it’s from Eggerton; he’s just a little Fae and he teaches us how to make mustard.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, um, we actually have a fair bit of mustard in our pack and we…

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, very good. You can spare some.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’d be willing to trade it actually for say… a portal?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ohhhh, now you’re just making fun of me like all the others.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I keep telling people… I know portal technology and they say, “You’re crazy!” And then they start throwing things. I’ve been ejected from the last seventeen villages.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, we… we don’t think you’re crazy. We-we’d like to hear more about these portals.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Look at me! I’m wearing gloves for shoes! I have seen better days.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But you could be in a lot of mustard…

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ohhhh… mustard.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…if you show us your portal technology.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Alright. So, what happens is… I have these sticks…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh-huh.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

They’re twined together in a big circle.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Umm-hmm.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

And you lean it against something and you could just run… you just run through the circle and then you wind up whereever you think.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ummm… has…

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

It sounds amazing. It sounds like what we’ve been looking for.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, has it ever actually… worked?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Seventeen different villages chased me out! I have many holes in my back from spears and sharp objects.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Could you perhaps give us a demonstration?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yah… it’s very simple. Sooo… it’s very delicate… don’t touch it!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sorry.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Sorry.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Alright, so you just lean it here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um-hm.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You need to keep the big circular thing in the middle open…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um-hm.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

…for entry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um-hm.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

And then… alright, I’m backing up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um-hm.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

And now, I’m just going to run at it as hard and as fast as I can.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I’m feeling very nervous.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

One!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

And two!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yah.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

And three. PORTAAAAL!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Wait… Darcy, where did he go?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think he’s just on the other side of it.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah, look, I am somewhere else now! I am on the other side.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh. I thought for a minute he actually did it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s ‘cos he ran ’round the tree.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, I see.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I wanted to be on this side of the tree. That’s what I was thinking! And now I’m here!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I want to do it next. Can I do it next?

OK… you do it now!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Lazbo though…

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Think of the tree… think of Temple Idris when you run.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Alright.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay. Now, you are very big. So you’re gonna want to try to get as small as possible so you can fit in between these dimensions.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Like this?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah, that’s good. I‑I’ve only built the one. I gonna need to build bigger ones for people of your size. Alright. So you…

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

So I just think of the tree?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You just think…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Think of the tree.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

And then you run.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

The circle. The circle.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

(muttering under his breath)

I miss the circle so much.

(out loud)

Okay, one, two, three. CIRCLLLE!

He vanishes with a pop.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yah, it’s pretty good.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So where… where is he?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I‑I don’t know the location you were talking about.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, Lazbo? Wait a minute, this… this couldn’t have actually worked.

MARISA

And I run around the tree. I run a few metres in each direction.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

La-Lazbo. Lazbo?

(in disbelief)

I‑I think your portal worked.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

JA! I make portals!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, let me see. What have you made this out of?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

It’s just sticks.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, but I’ve never seen sticks like these!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ah, it’s sticks from a special tree.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s not any tree I’ve ever known.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

No, it’s just… probably just the one.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow, I‑I-I think I need this portal. Well, wait, I don’t even need this portal. I just need to run through this portal. This is incredible.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ohhhhh! Wait a second. So, now you know that my portal works?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

And you’re just offering mustard?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, no.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I am wearing gloves as shoes. You have to give something else now. Mustard was for your friend. Friend is gone. So now you have to give something else for portal running.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, the problem is that Lazbo had all the mustard.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ohhhh! Well, youuuuu do not have a portal now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Good day to you madam.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, wait! I‑I have other things to offer you! Umm… wait.

MARISA

And I scrabble around in my pack.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ooooohhh… look.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

What… what do you have?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What about this shiny…

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Show me what you have!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What about this shiny apple?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ohhhhh, it’s like food.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s like food, but it’s not food.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh no! I want food!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh… really?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Look at me! I’m starving to death!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, wait! Why can’t you just use your own portal to run to a market square where you can get as much food as you want? You must come from a village that you know of where there’s people selling their…

She starts laughing off Carter’s agog reaction. The whole table joins in.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You must!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

(weeping)

Seventeen different villages! I’ve been horribly beaten by so many unbelievers and now you just told me I should just use… get out of my way woman! I’m going to go portal myself into the finest buffet restaurant!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, go!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay, buffet restaurant, buffet restaurant, buffet restaurant. Run!

He vanishes too.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s incredible. I cannot believe our luck. Alright, Celene… here I come!

MARISA

And I grab the book close and I clutch my satchel and I run at the portal thinking of Celene’s Ice Palace and the clearing outside of it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

AAAAHHHHHH!

Pop.

EGGERTON AND PERI

SEAN

We see Eggerton standing, his hands outstretched as a matrix of light and streams of energy branch off in every direction. Silhouettes of fae stones across universes lighting up as he shifts his attention, an insane maze and network of connections. But he has no idea which one is the right one.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Eeeny, Meeny, Miny, Show, catch a goddess by the toe. If she hollers let her go because you’re probably causing discomfort and that’s not very friendly. Eeeny meeny miny… that’s the one. I can tell because it looks exactly like all the others.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, it’s you.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

You again.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Pffft. You’re not even a real Fae.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’m a Fae. You’re not a Fae.

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, I said you’re not a real Fae. Of course you’re a Fae… you’re just not a real Fae.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What’s the difference between a Fae and a real Fae?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Well, I could go where I need to go.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I can go there too.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Fine.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Alright.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Alright, I’ll just go now.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, see you later.

SEAN (AS PERI)

You know where you’re going right?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yup, totally… don’t need any assistance or guidance from unusual people who happen to show up in my path.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay. I’ll go tell Celene you’re lost.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but if you were gonna go to Celene, which… which fae stone would you take?

SEAN (AS PERI)

HA HA HA HA! I told you.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well, why don’t you just go? I’ll sit here and look the other way.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. I’m not gonna watch which fae stone you go to.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Right. Well, well… I’m gonna go a different way.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. I trust you. I don’t think you’re trying to manipulate me.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna go to the wrong fae stone.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t believe in reverse psychology.

SEAN (AS PERI)

I believe in reverse reverse psychology. I’m gonna go to the right fae stone.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well, I’m gonna go to the double dutch disco fae stone.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, well, I’m gonna go there first.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

You know what? I don’t know why we’re so acrimonious all the time.

SEAN (AS PERI)

No reason! I‑I don’t find you attractive at all.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you know… I think that you’re pretty neat. And I think that we should probably go and have tea sometime.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Really?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah! Why not? At the very least we can be friends. And if there’s something else, there’s something else.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, maybe sometime… maybe sometime. But I’m gonna go to the wrong place now.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, you go to the wrong place. And I won’t follow you there.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(giggles)

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

And then later we won’t meet up for tea.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Right.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay, you won’t follow me.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’m not gonna follow you.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, you go.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay, I’m gonna go. You watching?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, just don’t leave that trail of sparkles behind you.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay. But you’re watching?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Paying attention?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Here I go!

She blinks out.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Heh, heh.

He blinks out too.

THE CAVERN

SEAN

Blat and his two security personnel step into a massive ice cave. The walls gleam and reflect with facets as if there are a hundred of them entering when it’s really just the three. In the centre of this magnificent cave is a very large blue diamond that is the size of a house and it gleams with a strange light. And in the far, far recess, barely lit by this blue light, is a throne and on that throne sits a figure with their head on their hand. Waiting.

MIKE (AS GOH)

And then he flipped the table on me… can you believe it?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

No… I think… I think you flipped the table on me actually.

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, no, no… this was the last time. You were… you were havin’ a mood and you were flippin’ tables.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, I may have. But you know, I think as co-stewards…

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

We should like… maybe just you know… focus right now.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Focus. Alright, alright. So…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

We gotta figure out if this is the real Celene or the fake Celene.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, yeah and what’s… what’s the test again new friend?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(in gruff voice)

The only thing you need to worry about is whether this Celene can be killed.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Right.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Right.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

‘cos if she can be killed… not a goddess… fake Celene.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Alright let’s do it. Let’s… let’s…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

No wait… uh…

MIKE (AS GOH)

What?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Now if… just… just a crazy thought but if she is the real goddess she’ll just, like, smoke us instantly.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But, would she?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Uh, that’s a good point.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You work for her.

MIKE (AS GOH)

She’d probably wanna toy with us a bit first.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh yeah, she likes to toy with her prey actually.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

I’ve seen that.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, yeah.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

That’s a good… that’s a good point.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, so if she kills us right away it’s not Celene.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Right and we should’ve killed her.

MIKE (AS GOH)

And if we kill her it’s not Celene.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

But if we can’t kill her and she doesn’t kill us right away…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

But kills us slowly.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Slowly. Yeah. Slowly with a lot of terror.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

A lot of terror involved.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Then that’s really Celene.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Alright.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

In which case we should present our demands for the union.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well, not until we kill the fake Celene ‘cos that’s the leverage we need.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Right. So what we need to do is try and kill this person.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

And if they die, then we were right. If they kill us…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

I’m getting confused.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. Give me my sword.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay. With a… with a scabbard or without?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Uh… no… we left the scabbards behind remember?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah. Okay, so I’m gonna take… take my sword. I’m gonna go stab ‘er.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Um… if… you know she’s unhappy about that…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Then maybe… umm… it’s not really…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

I’m just getting a really bad feeling about this stabbing actually.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, it’s fine, it’s fine. Okay, okay… here we go… here we go. Okay, I’m gonna walk up to her.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Well, it’s gonna take you a while but alright, we’ll watch you go.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Alright, I’ll do a light jog.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay.

MIKE (AS GOH)

I’ve been doing cardio on my off days.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Alright.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, ready?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

(sets off jogging)

Huff, huff, huff, huff.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

You think this is gonna work?

SEAN

(to Mike)

No, keep… it’s a long way… keep going.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh… huff, huff, huff, huff

(constant panting underneath following conversation)

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

So, um… Blat… Blatamixil? Um… you sure about this?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I am absolutely sure that this is going to keep us… out of immediate danger.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay. Oh, he’s about a quarter of the way there.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay… just breathe… it’s okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, uh… do you guys have any other coworkers around who might wanna help us with this little experiment?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Uh, well… Star but Star didn’t want…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Star didn’t want to, no.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Whoops! Crack in the ice but it’s fine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I was just expecting more people to be around. You know it’s a big castle.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

It is. Well we’re just first shift so there would be a second shift coming on soon.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well when would that happen?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Well, I don’t know when they show up. Um…

MIKE (AS GOH)

(calling back)

Hey, did I leave my puffer with you?!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah… no I have it here!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, okay… I should come back and get that.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, yeah… I know… I got it right here!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, I’ll be right there.

(more panting)

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay. Sorry… you were saying?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, I was just wondering when the second shift…‘cos you seem to know that there’s a second shift.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So when does the first shift end?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

It hasn’t ever ended. But they’re supposed to.

MIKE (AS GOH)

(gasping)

Okay, okay… I just need my puffer.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh, yeah… sorry. Here.

MIKE (AS GOH)

(takes puff of inhaler)

Okay.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

You want me to hold that?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Just one more.

(inhales)

Okay, yeah here you go. Thanks, thanks.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, I’ll hold it for you.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, okay. Now I’m going. I’m going back.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

‘cos you always lose it.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, I’m always losing it. Okay, okay, I’m back.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

You made it to the diamond. Keep going.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Rothkar! What are you doing?! I brought your lunch for you and you weren’t there.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Um, hi… hi Gromexil. Uh…

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

You don’t call me Gromexil in front of guests. You call me Mummy…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yes Mummy.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Or Mumsy…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yes Mumsy.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Or Moo-Moo-Moo.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Moo-Moo-Moo. Yes… I don’t like saying that in front of…

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Now why is Goh running so hard…

MIKE (AS GOH)

Ooops… there’s some crap here.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

…with his asthma? Goh! Goh! It’s lunchtime!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Mumsy. No, I‑I gotta go stab this… this fake Celene first.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Goh, come here! Stabbing later… lunch now!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh… okay… I’ll be right there.

(more panting)

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Sorry Mumsy… oh Mumsy… this is our new friend… um… uh Blathoximil.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

What do you mean… friend?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh he’s… he’s helping us start a union.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I told you… no unions!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

I know Mums… I know… I just…

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

No unions. They get us in trouble!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yes Mumsy.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

You eat your lunch, you do your work and we go and we eat our stew at night.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yes Mumsy.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Hi Mummy.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh Goh, how are you feeling? You look terrible.

MIKE (AS GOH)

(gasping throughout)

Well, I ran most of the way there and then I remembered my puffer and I gave it to him because I always lose it so I ran back and I used my puffer and then I started to run back to stab and then you came with lunch.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Why are you running?!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Because it’s far and it’s… it’s bad. We just gotta get there.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Shhh. No, no don’t… no don’t…

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, oh. I’m not supposed to tell her about the stabbing?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

(whispering)

No.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

(under his breath)

Or the union.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Who are you two stabbing now?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Uh, oh… we’re just stabbing each other.

Rothkar and Goh laugh nervously.

MIKE (AS GOH)

See? See? I’ll stab him.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh, ow… ow… now I stab you back.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Okay, okay, yeah. I know. You do that yesterday too. That’s okay. Now, who’s this one… the red one with the horns?

MIKE (AS GOH)

He’s our new friend.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I… there are not supposed to be any friends here.

MIKE (AS GOH)

This is Mo.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

(whispering)

Shhh… no… no union.

MIKE (AS GOH)

No union?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

No.

MIKE (AS GOH)

But we’re starting a union.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

(sighs)

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

No unions! Now, what did Star say about this? Star should not have let you through the doorway.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Star was very friendly and thought it was a great idea.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Star is never very friendly.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well, that’s why it was so great.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Ohhhhhh… you two are up to something. You! You! Red One. What are you doing with my boys?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, madam… I have it on good authority that the employer of your boys might actually be an evil clone.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

You mean the Holy Goddess?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, yeah. Yeah… see? That’s what we’re doing mum… we’re gonna prove that she’s a clone or not a clone and then… yeah… that’s what we’re…

MIKE (AS GOH)

Because see… if… if we kill her then she was fake. And then Celene’s gonna reward us.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

There’s no clone.

MIKE (AS GOH)

What… what are you talking about?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Well, how do you know?

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I know because 20 villagers were sacrificed this morning by Celene herself. That’s no clone… that’s Celene!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Or is that a clone just trying to fit in?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, that’s… that’s… that’s some solid logic right there.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Aaaaahhhhhh. Hmmmmmm.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

The only way we can tell if she’s a clone is if we kill her.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

No, that sounds stupid. But she could always be a clone.

MIKE (AS GOH)

But if we try and kill her and she doesn’t die, then she’s real and we verified it.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Hmmmmmm.

MIKE (AS GOH)

That’s the scientific process is to… to form a hypothesis.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh, I know I should’ve never sent you boys to that three day school.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

I know.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

You mix me up and I don’t always understand what you’re saying.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oxford comma, exactly.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Ohhhh Goh, none of that now.

MIKE (AS GOH)

(dejected)

Ohhh.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

No more of that. Here. Eat your sandwiches.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh okay.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Thanks Mum.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

…while I think about this a minute.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh… horseradish. My favourite.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Why do you, horn person… why do you want to start a union with my sons? You don’t work here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But Madam, I think you’ll find that most places are happier once they unionise. Increased wages, dental.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

The benefits mom. Benefits.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Dental.

MIKE (AS GOH)

But this would fix my cracked molar. See I showed you the cracked molar and it was hurting.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, if you wouldn’t keep biting your brother.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, but he pushed me.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

The fang coming out. Mom… on your face.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Yeah, I don’t like the fang.

MIKE (AS GOH)

We could make sure that you stick with only five boils instead of six.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Really?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I don’t know. Everyone else who comes and talks of unioning… they get killed.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Well, yeah… I know.

MIKE (AS GOH)

But that’s why we need the leverage of stabbing the fake Celene.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, Celene’ll be happy.

MIKE (AS GOH)

To show real Celene.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

We kill the fake Celene and she’ll be…

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

But what if there is no fake Celene?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Then Celene will see our initiative…

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Ohhhhhh.

MIKE (AS GOH)

In trying to protect her realm.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh, and you move up in world?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

And I don’t just have to live in the cave.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Exactly.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

And we could take Star’s place.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

We could take two caves.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh yeah!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

We could… we could take three caves.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Ohhhhhh.

MIKE (AS GOH)

We could get more magazines.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I do want my boys to have career fluidity, you know, to move up in the world.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And as someone who lives with them, you would also get the health benefits.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Ohhhhhhhh.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, there you go. Okay, what do you say Mumsy? Should I go? Should I go? Should I go test this?

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I am nervous for you. You get hurt so much with the flipping of the tables all the time.

MIKE (AS GOH)

I don’t flip the tables.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

You always flip the tables.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

You both flip the tables.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well, sometimes you know, that’s just… you have to express yourself.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I don’t think you should go with your asthma.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, okay. Why don’t you go and I’ll stay here?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, here’s the sword.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Here you go. It’s the ice sword. No scabbard.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay, I’ll be right back guys.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Do I have my puffer first?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh yeah… here.

(starts panting which continues over following conversation)

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, thanks… I’ll keep that in my pocket.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now, Madam, how long has it been since you’ve been in the workforce?

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh, I‑I never worked. My-my man worked but I always sit at home with boys, make stew.

MIKE (AS GOH)

But it choice of Mumsy. Mumsy capable of working.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh yes! I love it. I love it.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, she choose.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh absolutely. Absolutely.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

(from afar)

I’m halfway there guys!

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Okay, good boy, good boy! He didn’t have his sandwich before he start running.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh. And he forgot his puffer.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh… well, he doesn’t need it as much as you.

MIKE (AS GOH)

True.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This might actually be a golden opportunity for you to work with your boys on this endeavour. How are you with a sword?

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I’m pretty good.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, Mumsy’s being bashful. She taught us everything we know about swords.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Well, I prefer battleaxe.

MIKE (AS GOH)

True, true. She likes the double sided.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Because that way when you pull it out of one person you chopped you can immediately put it into someone else to chop.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

(in the distance)

Hah! Take that fake Celene! AAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!

MIKE (AS GOH)

I didn’t quite hear what he was saying. I should go check it out.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

What? No, I don’t know. That sounded bad.

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, I think he was, like, celebrating. That was a battle cry.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Really?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, that was a battle cry.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I can never tell. They all sound the same.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay. I’ll go check it out.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

“Oh, I’m dying. Oh, I’m winning!” I don’t know the difference.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, I know. It’s… we try. We try. But okay, I’ve got… maybe if someone paid for the fourth day of school. But anyway, I’ll go and I’ll check it out and I’ll report back soon. Okay?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Alright.

MIKE (AS GOH)

You two… you two keep company and you… be nice to Mumsy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

MIKE (AS GOH)

I’ve got my eye on you. Okay, here I go.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Okay Goh.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait Mumsy before I go can you hold my puffer? I don’t want to lose it.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Okay, I will.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Alright here we go. Okay.

(starts panting which continues under following conversation)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So I don’t know if there were any battleaxes around… is there an extra sword?

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

No, mine’s back in my cave.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I see.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I had it bronzed.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh very good.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Yes. Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That must look very nice.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

It’s very nice. It hangs over the fire pit.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ahhh. Very good, very good.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Ahhhh. Oh Mumsy. How are your boys doing?

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I don’t know. Goh is going to check on Rothkar now.

SEAN (AS STAR)

They’re still alive. That’s better than I expected. Oh hello… what’s your name?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, okay Celene, I’m gonna get you now. And I’m just gonna… OH GOD… WHY… IT BURNS… AAAGHHHHHH!

SEAN (AS STAR)

Ah, there we go… that’s what I was expecting.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Why you… you have smiley face that I don’t like. Why you smile like that?

SEAN (AS STAR)

Oh, your boys had this great plan Mumsy. They were gonna go and kill Celene so I let them in.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

No, fake Celene they were going to kill!

SEAN (AS STAR)

Oh right, yes, oh yeah. No right, fake Celene.

(giggles)

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I don’t know why this one smiles like that all the time. It’s like she says one thing but she means another. I don’t understand it.

SEAN (AS STAR)

(sarcastically)

Oh, it’s so confusing.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Yes, it is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think Star is against the idea of you reentering the workforce.

SEAN (AS STAR)

(sarcastically)

Oh, yes. I so am.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Well, that does not sound very progressive. My boys tell me that someone like me could get back into the workforce regardless of my age.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Oh, yes. No, you should unionise. You should speak to Celene about that right away.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

No, I don’t like that. But you… horn boy. I see you have wing things. Why don’t you fly over there? That seems to make more sense.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Oh, yes, yes.

(clapping hands)

That sounds like a lovely idea.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Go see what my boys are doing and take them their sandwiches.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure, just hand over the sandwiches. It was worth a shot.

CARTER

And Blat flies off towards Celene’s throne.

MIDROLL

Music sting.

ANNOUNCER

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hey, everyone, Sean here and I just want to say wow, thank you for everyone that’s listening. We saw a big jump in numbers after coming back from our break and that was so awesome. And we’re super excited to have Eggerton back with us.

Before we go on, I want to give a shout out to some old timers that have been with us for forever. And that means so much to us. So first off to Joshua Goldsmith… thank you. Stephen Smith, you live with us. Super awesome you’re supporting us. You’re our roommate. David Rheinstrom: unbelievable to have you here with us, thank you. Marion—Momo, who’s done so many of the awesome illustrations of our End of Time crew. Can’t imagine being here without you. And Evil Kitten Productions, the creators of Jack Tracer and one of my favourite shows, Project Nova. Love everything they do and thank you so much for being with us.

And it’s also time to give some shout outs to some new subscribers, some new patrons, some new supporters. Some new super awesome people. My apologies if I get any of these names wrong. Lucas Oster. Thank you. Phoebe Cara Dory. Amazing. Thank you. October Isle. Super awesome to have you here with us. Stephanie Cheshire, thank you. Magdalena Pluinska? I hope I said that right. Crafty Druid and Chris Bauer, thank you so much for coming on and becoming a patron; it means that we can continue to create more of this content.

And speaking of more content, End of Time is continuing on, we’re gonna get you right back to the show. But we’re also about to launch a new podcast. So just gonna tease you here. Civilised is an entirely improvised dark comedy sci-fi. That launches… well, basically, by the time you listen to this, I think it’ll have launched or shortly thereafter… shortly coming up. It’s coming soon, sometime. Eli is not looking at me. So I have no idea when. Anyway, so let’s get you back to the show. Thank you all so much. And here we go.

MIDROLL: CHARACTER SHEET

SEAN

Okay, everyone. Welcome. Thank you for coming to the table today. As we all know, fans have been a little upset that Michael has never looked at nor read his character sheet.

CARTER

It’s not fair.

SEAN

So today, Michael, we’re here to help you. Now you set a goal… I don’t think it was fair… of 500 signatures.

MICHAEL

500.

SEAN

Right. So I think we’re at what percentage Carter?

CARTER

6?

SEAN

Right. So what I thought, is to show the table your commitment Michael.

MICHAEL

My commitment.

SEAN

You would read 6% of your character sheet today. And if people want to go to patreon.com/albasalix and donate or leave us a comment showing their support we’ll make sure the link… go to otherbothers.com… we’ll put the link there too so people can sign this and maybe we can get to a little further. Does that sound good for everyone?

CARTER

Okay, 6% of it.

SEAN

6%.

MICHAEL

Alright, is everybody ready?

SEAN

Yeah.

MICHAEL

Alright. Flightless Fairy Druid. Level Three. XP. Name: Eggerton.

SEAN

Wait, you didn’t tell us how much XP.

MICHAEL

Oh, uh… three checkboxes.

SEAN

Thank you.

MICHAEL

Appearance. That’s roughly 6%.

SEAN

(laughs)

I feel like this midroll is falling apart from underneath us.

MARISA

No, it’s better than the last one.

(raucous laughter)

SEAN

Ha ha! Scene!

CELENE’S CASTLE

SCENE

We cut to a small shack outside. It is snowing. And a blizzard is forming and the wind is roaring and whistling through the trees and gaps. And Darcy appears stepping out of a shimmering circular portal with a somewhat surprised look on her face. The ice castle is off in the distance gleaming in the setting sunlight.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I can’t believe it. It worked. I’m here! I’m exactly where I need to be. But it’s taken so long, Eggerton and Blat could be… who knows where… they could already be dead. I have to get to that spot that we were at or I have to get to the castle. I better just start towards the castle.

MARISA

And I start running in the direction of the castle.

SEAN

Okay. So as you are approaching the castle you see a drawbridge and you see two Fae standing at the drawbridge, each with a large pike weapon with a gleaming silver tip.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh… halt there!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… hello. I am here as a supplicant to the Grand Celene… goddess of all things bright and shiny.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Not a fae.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Yeah… not a fae.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well no, I didn’t say I was a fae. I’m a supplicant; it’s more important that I’m not a fae because this means I’m someone new coming to your fold.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Suspicious! Lot taller than us. Don’t like it.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Nope. Yup. No you gotta be a fae to get in.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Really? You don’t let anyone else in ever?

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Well, um… Celene’s in there.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Yeah, she’s… oh… the ice monster!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Oh yeah… the ice monster. That’s true.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I’m kinda like an ice monster.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

You are?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I’m taller than you.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Well, what’s that supposed to mean?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you just said that you wouldn’t let me in because I was taller than you. But you let the ice monster in.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

(weakly)

The ice monster is taller than us.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

(confused)

Wait… well now… is she an ice monster?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I’d be covered in ice.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh, yeah… no you’re right.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not a monster. I want to come and show Celene how much I worship her and appreciate her. I’m sure she would want that.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Maybe you could just… leave her a note?

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Or… or… or pray to her!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Oh, yeah. She likes that!

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh… offer her your unborn child.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Oh yeah! Do you have any of those?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I do have unborn children. Absolutely.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Ooohhhh!

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh yeah. She likes that.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Promise her all of them.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh, yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But couldn’t I do that in front of her? Or near her?

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

You want to be near Celene?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, yes, I want to bask in her presence.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

See, this sounds okay. But then you gotta think… why are we here… guarding? Like maybe we’re supposed to keep people from going in?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you’re supposed to keep people who mean harm to Celene going in… of course!

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, it checks. It checks.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Yeah, that’s solid. That’s true.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I would have guards too. I mean, if I was a goddess, I’d be very afraid of people wanting to take my throne or wanting to take my fairies or wanting to take my gold.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

You want to take the throne?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, but I’d be afraid of that. And so I’d put guards. But if people came who wanted to be nice to me, and tell me how great I was and pray to me… well, I’d want those people to be let through immediately.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

You see, they should have brought this up in training.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Yeah, I’m really not sure what to do here. Normally, it’s just like, “Halt! You don’t come here!” And they run away!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Yeah, yeah, people usually ran away pretty good.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Well, if you were in charge, and you put two really good guards out on your, you know, drawbridge…

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Really good!

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Very good.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Like the best guards you could find. Um, and you train them really good… what would you tell them to do in this situation?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I would say… in this situation… you should let this new supplicant through. Because obviously, I’m no threat to anyone. Look at me! I’m scrawny. I have a bag. I have no weapons on me. I even have this book that Celene would love to have. It’s an ancient book she doesn’t have in her collection, I bet.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Oooh, free book!

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh, yeah. What’s the title?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The title is…“Oh, to the moon and back”.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh, that sounds lovely!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

It’s relevant.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Yes! I think Celene would like that book.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sure she would. I would let me through. But let me tell you, if anyone who was mean to you, or had big weapons or something came to this drawbridge, don’t let them through. You should be looking out for them. In fact, you wanna look out right now, you wanna keep an eye out just in case.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Are they coming?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, they might be… but I think you better focus on that.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Yeah. Okay, quick, get out of our way… we can’t see!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Absolutely.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Get inside.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You guys are doing a great job. Thank you!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

I’m gonna look towards the left, you look towards the right.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Wait, our right or the right of the approacher?

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

No, our right, looking at a potential approacher.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Okay, but if I’m on the right, and you’re on the left, who’s looking straight ahead?

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Oh my Lord! Okay, so, okay, you go in, find a third guard…

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh, good point!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

…put them out here and then we’ll each man three stations.

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Okay, and you can separate yourself into three in the meantime!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

What?!

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh, you can’t do that?

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

What? You can do that?

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

No, I just thought you could do that.

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

Well, how can I do that?!

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

I don’t know. You’re a fae!

CARTER (AS FAE 2)

You’re not a fae?

SEAN (AS FAE 1)

Oh s——.

EGGERTON AND PERI

SEAN

Okay, Eggerton?

MICHAEL

Hello?

SEAN

Where do we find Eggerton and Peri?

MICHAEL

Ummm… talking over chai lattes.

SEAN (AS PERI)

I really… I really must say I like this cafe. Ha ha!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Isn’t it nice? I mean, they talk a lot about deer for some reason but they’ve got star right in the name. So I thought it would be a nice place for us to go hang out.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, it’s actually quite nice. I like the scones.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Um-hm, um-hm. As long as they’re not too heated or like overcooked or anything. That would be gross.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah no, it’s quite nice.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Um.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

So, um, tell me about… uhh… do you have any siblings?

SEAN (AS PERI)

(giggles nervously)

Oh what? What’d you say?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Siblings. Do you have like older… older brothers or sisters… younger?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, about 300.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah, so about average size. That’s nice.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, yeah… I’m sort of in the middle-ish.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Uh huh. Uh huh.

SEAN (AS PERI)

What about you?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, well, no, you know, in my time fae are just kind of one at a time now. It’s a little sad, yeah.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, my God. I’m so sorry I made fun of you not flying. I mean…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

It’s OK.

SEAN (AS PERI)

I just hadn’t seen a fae that didn’t fly.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, sometimes, you know, when we see something unusual, it’s easier to laugh at it than to try and understand it.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But you know what, you’ve got very pretty eyes.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

And a handsome smile… and I’m glad we’re doing this.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Me too. Heh, heh.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Um, but, you know, we’ve been here a couple hours, and I should probably go look for my friends.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh right.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I mean, we’ve had a great conversation.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah. Hey, I don’t want to hold you up. I… you know… it’s cool, cool, cool.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Tell you what, I’ll tell you what. No, here. Here’s the… the… the code for my Ice‑T.

SEAN (AS PERI)

What?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

So we’ve got these devices. They’re called Ice-Ts. And you can use them to communicate.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, you’re gonna give me your code?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I’m gonna give you my code. So then, you know, you can go get an Ice‑T.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Is it really your code?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, of course it is. I wouldn’t do that to you.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, okay.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

So you go get an Ice‑T. Right. You can probably pop up into Paradox.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Here’s… here’s a bit of my hair.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oooo. Thank you.

SEAN (AS PERI)

You can use that to talk with me.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay. So…

SEAN (AS PERI)

It’s really my hair too.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Ahh… nice. Umm… so, I need to go and find my friends.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, yeah, so…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But I’m gonna give you a call later.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah. Of course you will.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

And we’re gonna do this again!

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah. Okay.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Alright. Maybe we’ll go for a walk too next time.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah. No, sure.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I heard about… remember that forest where we met?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Why don’t we go for a walk there?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Alright. We’ll get some tea to go, we’ll go for a walk there.

SEAN (AS PERI)

I love that one tree.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Um-hm, um-hm. You keep going around it?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But you’re never around it.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Isn’t that fun?

SEAN (AS PERI)

It is!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

OK. OK. OK. But I do need to go help my friends. They’re probably gonna be mad that I’m late.

SEAN (AS PERI)

OK. No, I know you do. No, no, I know. I’ve taken too much of your time.

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, I’m the leader. So they kind of expect me to be there.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, right.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But okay. Well, it was nice to see you. May I give you a hug?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Or a kiss?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay.

(kisses Peri)

Very nice.

She smothers Eggerton in hugs and kisses.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Mmmph!

SEAN (AS PERI)

(growls)

I’ll talk to you soon, lover boy.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(recovering breathlessly)

Okay. Oh my. It’s okay. Okay. Whew! Alright. So I can do a fae thing and off I go!

SEAN

You’re still sitting there.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, that didn’t work.

SEAN

Because you’re not at a fae stone.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, right.

SEAN

The fae stone near the cafe was a 10 minute walk.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, I’ll go for a walk. It’s nice. It’s nice. I’ll go for a walk. Uh, excuse me. Barista? Can I get this in a to-go cup? No, I don’t need a lid. No, I don’t need a lid. That’s wasteful. I just need the cup. A cup. No, without the sleeve. Just a cup. Okay, you know what, I’m going to come do it myself. It’s okay. It’s okay. No, you sit back down on your break.

(fades out)

INSIDE THE CASTLE

SEAN

Darcy is moving quickly but quietly down a hall. Going deeper into the palace not entirely sure which way she’s headed, or why she’s chosen this path when out in front of her steps a shadowy figure with a long rapier.

CARTER (AS FAE 3)

Sorry, I was told I had to go to the front. They need a third guard. Excuse me, sir. Oh, wait. No, I‑I guess I should question you. Are you here to be nice?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Absolutely.

CARTER (AS FAE 3)

Okey-doke. Well, that checks out. I gotta get out there. They want three guards. Three! We’re gonna protect Celene.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re doing an excellent job.

CARTER (AS FAE 3)

Thank you!

SEAN

And as Darcy goes to start down the corridor again, a voice stops her from behind her this time.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Yeah, no, I don’t think so. I remember you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sorry?

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

From the glade. I saw you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who are you?

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

An old friend of Blat’s.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, if you’re a friend of Blat’s, then you must be a friend of mine.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Yeah, when I say friend… I mean we have unfinished business. Him and I.

MARISA

And I turn around to look at who’s behind me.

SEAN

You see a person in a cloak but there’s really no body there, just a pair of eyes staring out at you from the cloak.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re one of those shadow people, aren’t you?

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Yes. The Jolly Jester they call me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, you met Blat?

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Yes. And I would have killed him if he hadn’t done whatever it is he did.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, what are you doing here?

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Stopping you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What am I doing?!

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Tryna get to Celene.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I am, but that’s only because I want to tell her how much I love her.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Yeah, right. When I bring her your head.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Excuse me?

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

She’s gonna reward me and give me a place on her throne.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So you’re just in it for the power.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Uh-huh. And you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m just in it for the moon.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Well, let’s see what happens shall we?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fine.

SEAN

And suddenly he’s a blur of motion launching at you, Darcy. What do you do?

MARISA

I try to dodge.

SEAN

Okay. Roll Defy Danger.

MARISA

What… do I get a plus?

SEAN

Uh… yeah.

MARISA

Dex, I guess. Right?

SEAN

Using Dex +1.

MARISA

That’s a 7.

SEAN

Okay, mixed success. So you just manage to sidestep as you see out from under the cloak a ghost-like rapier appear and slash at you. And it connects with you, causing you to drop the book.

MARISA

OK.

SEAN

And the book hits the ground and if you could roll damage for me.

MARISA

And what’s damage?

SEAN

It’s a 1d10.

MARISA

Oh my gosh. What?! Is that this thing?

SEAN

Yep.

MARISA

It’s a 6!

SEAN

Do you have any armour?

MARISA

Not right now!

SEAN

(laughing)

So it connects with you, moving across, but you sidestep what could have been worse and he cackles with glee.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Heh, heh, heh! This is gonna be easier than I thought.

SEAN

What do you want to do Darcy? He’s slowly circling you tryna get around behind you.

MARISA

So, I cast Hold Person.

SEAN

‘kay, read me that.

MARISA

So, Hold Person. Choose a person you can see. Until you cast a spell or leave their presence they cannot act except to speak.

MICHAEL

Can you see a shadow person?

MARISA

Well, that’s the question but I assume I can.

SEAN

Yeah. Okay… roll it.

MARISA

(rolling)

Okay, that’s a 7 + 2 is a 9.

SEAN

Okay, what happens on a seven to nine?

MARISA

Okay, on a seven to nine the spell is cast but choose one: I draw unwelcome attention or put myself on the spot. Uh, my casting distances me from my deity which means take minus one ongoing to cast a spell or after it is cast the spell’s revoked. So I’ll cast it but revoke… have it revoked.

SEAN

Okay. He freezes in the air, unmoving, just vibrating.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

Unngh! What have you done?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hopefully this’ll hold you for a while.

SEAN (AS THE JOLLY JESTER)

I will find you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, let’s hope not.

MARISA

And I grab the book, and I just take off as fast as I can down the nearest corridor.

SEAN

‘kay.

THE CAVERN

SEAN

We return to the giant cave beneath the castle. The giant blue diamond is now humming and thrumming to almost like a heartbeat echoing throughout this chamber as Blathoxil, wings spread, arcs forward towards Celene… who has not moved from atop her throne.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I was concerned after those two died… but I’ve got my own idea. This house-sized diamond looks important.

Bazooka.

The bazooka materializes.

SEAN

Okay, are you firing?

CARTER

Blat fires.

SEAN

Roll Volley. That’s plus Dex.

MARISA

Nice.

CARTER

That would be a 10.

SEAN

That is a direct hit. The screen pops up, you centre it, you pull the trigger and, even as you pull the trigger, you sense movement from the throne out of the corner of your eye. And the missile launches, arcs down and connects. Roll your damage.

CARTER

7.

SEAN

And the shell explodes on impact sending some shards flying and you notice the light shifting and the humming becoming a little more erratic but the crystal appears to still be whole.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, that’s a shame. Maybe just one more time.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

I don’t think so Blat. Good to see you again.

SEAN

A figure is striding forward across the ground right next to the crystal.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

It’s been how long, my Blathoxil?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Long enough for me to have this voice.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Hmm. You’ve done well Blathoxil.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I would disagree.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh no. You’ve brought me…

(menacingly)

Exactly what I wanted. And now I will take the goddess inside of you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Morragu?

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You can have her.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Perfect.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But, before that happens, let’s break a shiny thing.

CARTER

And Blat fires again at the giant diamond.

SEAN

Okay, roll to hit.

MARISA

Nice.

CARTER

That would be, plus my Dexterity, a 12.

MICHAEL

Ho, ho, ho. That’s a game changer.

MARISA

(laughs)

SEAN

She goes to lift her hand and you see her eyes grow a little wide as the projectile streams right past her and impacts with the crystal and, as it hits, she screams in rage. Roll your damage. It’s a d8.

CARTER

Merely a 4.

SEAN

Explosion impacts. She doesn’t move. Like the fireball spreads out around her and then dissipates and she’s still standing there but the crystal is starting to crack and it’s starting to beat in a very erratic fashion. And she… does not look happy.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh Blat, I was going to leave you and your husk alone. But not any longer!

SEAN

Blat, I need you to make a Defy Danger constitution roll as her eyes change colour and actually light stabs out from them up towards you in the air.

CARTER

12.

MARISA

(laughing)

A natural 12.

MICHAEL

(laughing)

So, technically a 13.

MARISA

Yup.

SEAN

So Blat somehow goes into a dive spiral and avoids looking at her in the eyes as he does so. And she looks a little stunned. And then she raises her other hand and a wall of flame comes filling the whole air up towards you, like a wall of flame is now moving at high speed towards you in your dive.

CARTER

Blat keeps fluttering in the same spot. It’s fire.

SEAN

Would you like to read me that ability that I forgot about?

(laughter from the table)

CARTER

Well, there’s no real ability to talk about.

MARISA

Yeah, he’s just not affected by it.

CARTER

It’s just Blat has never really had a problem with fire.

SEAN

Right. Okay, and so the wave of fire passes over you and you’re feeling a little smug. And when you look up you realise Celene is three inches in front of you. And she kisses you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Clever girl.

SEAN

Roll 4d6 for me. Well, first of all, you get a chance. Well, you get a chance, I guess, if you want to… let’s roll Defy Danger. To try and avoid the Kiss of Death, it’s called.

SEAN

Plus Dex?

CARTER

7… 8. Yep.

SEAN

Okay, you have a choice here. You see her coming in to kiss you and you could choose in this moment to… I’m trying to think what the hard move is. Okay, here’s what I’m gonna give you. You see in this moment when she goes to start kissing you… you see a dagger on her belt at her waist that you have never seen on her before. It is one of the most intricately carved daggers and it gleams as if otherworldly. And you just instantly know that it could do serious harm. It’s a significant weapon. So, in that moment of death, you have a choice. You can take the kiss and use that moment to try and grab that dagger or you can avoid the kiss but plummet down towards the ground because her arms are holding your wings.

CARTER

We’ll plummet.

MICHAEL

Hm.

SEAN

Okay. You’re plummeting towards the ground. She’s just holding you as you plummet together, flipping end over end over end and you hit the ground. Roll 1d4 for me. We’ll both take this damage.

CARTER

Is it the top number?

SEAN

Yeah, it’s the top.

CARTER

It’s a 4.

SEAN

We both take 4. Okay? And you hit the ice with an explosion of shards in every direction.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh Blathoxil, you don’t yearn for my affection anymore do you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Baby, you got real ugly.

SEAN

And she… you see the light glowing in her eyes as she’s looking into your face, still arms wrapped around you, lying in the pool of melting ice. And I need you to roll Defy Danger.

CARTER

(rolling)

That’s an 8, plus Dexterity, is a 9.

SEAN

Okay, so you’re gonna take part of this. You manage to rip yourself free from her grip, stumbling backwards, but the glare strikes you… so I need you to roll 1d6. Half of it.

CARTER

5.

SEAN

You take 5 damage.

CARTER

Ouch.

SEAN

So you’re stumbling back away from her.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Now, Blat, why don’t we pause before I kill you and you give me the goddess that I want, that I yearn for, inside you, and just allow me to place it in this crystal or what’s left of it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Or I could give you what every woman wants…

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ten million diamond rings.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Blat!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Bazooka.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Don’t do it!

BLAAAAT!

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers! With your Game Master, Sean Howard and players Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie.

Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.

Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer.

Game consultant: Stephen Smith.

Supporting producers: Evelyn Jones, Ryan Kushman and Kim Bellinger.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon—supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our fabulous fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE

MIKE

So this is when we’re doing a good job of it, right?

SEAN

(laughs)

MARISA

(laughing)

You should see Eli’s face.

CARTER

This episode brought to you by mescaline!

Laughter.