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Double Feature: “Clairvoy-Can’t” and “Hiding Out”

Clairvoy-Can’t by Jordan Cobb
Holly and Magnus suspect that Minister Pearcey can see the future.

Hiding Out by Eli Hamada McIlveen
Magnus takes some unscheduled time off.

And find out how you can help make Season 3 of Alba Salix happen!

Clairvoy-Can’t

by Jordan Cobb

With Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey and Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis (from Greater Boston)
Sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen
Directed and produced by Sean Howard

ELI

Hey all. It’s Eli. How are you? We hope you’ve been doing well through this tumultuous summer.

We bring exciting news! I’ve got two brand new mini-episodes for you today starring Magnus and Holly. And we’ve got more coming in the weeks ahead, five in all. I think we’re gonna throw in a bonus episode too, one that was originally released to our Patreon backers.

So all of these are set during Season 2 and recorded in our upstairs studio here at home. We’re currently in something of, like a Covid lull here in Ontario (knock on wood, big time). And so, with great care, a lot of wiping down of surfaces, a lot of wearing of masks, we’ve been bringing in actors to record with us, and a couple of guests have joined us remotely as well.

So. This is all in the lead up to Season 3 of Alba Salix. We’re writing like crazy. This time around we’ve got a whole amazing team of writers joining us, so: Bilal Dardai from Unwell, Jen Sugden from Victoriocity, and Jordan Cobb of No Such Thing Productions.

In fact, Jordan wrote today’s mini-episode too. You may know her from the absolutely harrowing space horror podcast Janus Descending—or she’s got an upcoming sci-fi adventure called Primordial Deep. But she’s also funny as hell. You can find all her podcast projects at nosuchthingradio.com; they’re also on Twitter at @NoSuchThingADs. And she has written us a great little story called “Clairvoy-Can’t”. Enjoy.

Music sting.

INT. LABORATORY, HOUSE OF HEALING—DAY

We hear the sound of voices approaching from the hall. A door opens, and MAGNUS enters, followed by HOLLY.

HOLLY

…I heard voices at reception, and when I came in, Minister Pearcey was talking to her purse!

MAGNUS

Her… purse.

HOLLY

She stopped as soon as she saw me. She said she was rearranging her schedule.

MAGNUS

Wait a minute. Holly… You don’t think that—

Nah…

HOLLY

What? What is it?

MAGNUS

No, it’s too ridiculous. Unless…

HOLLY

What?!

MAGNUS

Minister Pearcey… can see the future!

A beat. Then Holly realizes that Magnus is messing with her.

HOLLY

(smacking him)

Magnus!

MAGNUS

OW! Hey! Workplace abuse!

HOLLY

Ms. Pearcey is NOT a psychic!

MAGNUS

Can you prove she’s not NOT a psychic?

HOLLY

She’s not a wizard!

MAGNUS

So she CLAIMS. Why else would she be in charge of the Ministry of Magical Affairs?

HOLLY

She’s the best woman for the job?

MAGNUS

And she spends all this time with Alba! All those secret meetings… They could be talking about ANYTHING!

HOLLY

Magnus, WE spend all our time with Alba, and it hasn’t made YOU a wizard.

MAGNUS

Hey! Okay, fine. But as Minister, I bet she’s got access to all sorts of reality-bending magical artifacts!

HOLLY

That’s… probably true. But she wouldn’t USE them, would she?

MAGNUS

Who wouldn’t?

HOLLY

Of course YOU would.

MAGNUS

She’s in charge, who’s gonna tell her no?! Maybe she uses the artifacts to crush her enemies… Oooooor see the future!

HOLLY

But that’s unethical! And Minister Pearcey is nice! You don’t REALLY believe that absolute power corrupts?

MAGNUS

ABSOLUTELY! Holly, I’m telling you, Pearcey’s TOTALLY got something up her sleeve! She can see the future!

HOLLY

That’s ridiculous!

MAGNUS

Only one way to find out! You have to get inside her purse, and see if you can find any mystical future‑y stuff!

HOLLY

What?! Me? NO! I’m not going to go through Ms. Pearcey’s purse!

Back in reception, the bell on the front door jingles.

MAGNUS

(whining)

But Holly, it’s for the good of the realm!

HOLLY

No it isn’t! It’s immoral!

PEARCEY

What’s immoral?

Holly and Magnus both yelp in surprise. MINISTER PEARCEY stands in the doorway, eyeing them curiously.

HOLLY

Ms Pearcey!

MAGNUS

Minister! HI! How are you? Any… special plans for the day?

PEARCEY

Uh, no. Not really, just meetings and…

(irritably)

Apparently I’ll be shopping for a new bag this afternoon. What’s this about immorality?

HOLLY

Oh… um… we—

MAGNUS

Nothing! Listen, I… just created a new surgical technique! That… harnesses the powers of the great outdoors! It’s called… The Spinning Leaf of Life!

PEARCEY

Magnus, I’m not going to sanction outdoor surgery.

Magnus starts ushering her towards reception.

MAGNUS

Oh, but this is a super special surgery! Where you literally blast all the toxins out of a person’s body! So we’ll need a LOT of space.

PEARCEY

Absolutely not.

MAGNUS

PLEASE? How can you know you’re not going to let me do it, if I don’t show you how AWESOME it is first?

PEARCEY

That’s not how that—

MAGNUS

You’ll want to leave your stuff in here! Splatter radius. Holly will take that for you!

HOLLY

Magnus!

But Magnus is steering Pearcey back out the front door.

MAGNUS

Thanks, Holly! Can’t wait for MINISTER PEARCEY to SEE THE FUTURE of medicine!

Magnus shuts the door. Holly stares at the bag.

HOLLY

Uh… Hello… Minister Pearcey’s bag.

The bag says nothing.

HOLLY

… This is ridiculous. Bags can’t talk! If anybody WAS talking to Minister Pearcey, they would have to be INSIDE the bag. Which means…

A beat. Then Holly empties Pearcey’s bag onto the floor.

HOLLY

Let’s see… quill… Chimera Girl lipstick… Giant weird rock and…

(picking it up)

Minister Pearcey’s planning notebook, of course! Let’s see.

(flipping through it)

Wow… talk about a tight schedule! Nobody could possibly plan this far ahead unless…

(gasps)

She CAN see the future! And you’re her secret book of divination, aren’t you?! YOU were the one Pearcey was talking to, weren’t you?!

It’s okay, you can tell me! … Hello? Mr. Planner?

Hm… I bet I could wake you up with a little Essence of Bukavac! Alba must have a bottle of it somewhere…

Holly rummages through the shelves.

HOLLY

Ah! Here it is!

She uncorks the vial, pouring its contents onto the planner.

HOLLY

Here you go, little guy! Wakey wakey!

The essence sizzles and pops as it splatters over the planner. The pages of the book begin to rustle…

HOLLY

(fawning)

Who knows the clandestine secrets of tomorrow? You do! Why yes you—

And then we hear a growl.

HOLLY

…ooooooooh… no…

The planner continues to bubble and snarl. It starts to grow little leathery legs and a tail, pages flapping as it starts to skitter across the floor.

HOLLY

Nice book… Good planner…

The planner hisses and Holly screams. The planner scrambles up onto the nearest counter, knocking several vials to the floor with a crash!

HOLLY

No! Bad planner! BAD BOOK!

Holly tries to grab the planner, it swipes at her, hissing.

HOLLY

Hey! Watch it with the claws!

She grabs the planner, and tries to wrestle it back into Pearcey’s bag. The planner snaps at the purse, tugging at it, like a dog with a chew toy.

HOLLY

Get! Back! In the PURSE! Hey! Give me that! No—don’t you eat that!

What… oh no.

The planner devours the purse. It lets out a hissing laugh.

HOLLY

Joke’s on you buddy! You don’t have a place to nap anymore!

The front door opens again.

MAGNUS

(from the reception area)

No, no, trust me, it’s gonna be amazing. I dunno why it wasn’t working—

Pearcey bursts in.

PEARCEY

WHAT is going on in here?!

The planner hisses and scrambles up the wall, knocking over more vials with its tail. Pearcey shrieks.

MAGNUS

Oh, COOL!

HOLLY

Ms. Pearcey!

PEARCEY

Holly, what did you do?! Is that… is that my planner?!

HOLLY

(wailing)

I just wanted him to tell me the future!

PEARCEY

What?

HOLLY

I heard you this morning “rearranging your schedule?!” I saw your appointments and we know about the magical vault! I know you can see the future!

PEARCEY

What are you talking about? Holly, I’m not a wizard.

HOLLY

You can’t deny it! And Magnus said you were evil—

PEARCEY

Ah, did he?

MAGNUS

Pffft, I mean…

PEARCEY

I’m not evil, I’m a bureaucrat. Close, but not quite the same thing.

HOLLY

But… but your planner, though.

PEARCEY

I work for the king, Holly. Everyone in my department has a planner like that!

MAGNUS

Seriously?!

Pearcey looks up at the hissing planner.

PEARCEY

Well… not EXACTLY like that…

HOLLY

I’m sorry Ms. Pearcey…

PEARCEY

(forced calm)

May I have my coat, please? …And my bag?

The planner belches.

HOLLY

Sorry. I’ll make you a new one!

PEARCEY

That’s alright. I was… scheduled to get a new one, anyway.

She picks her things up off the floor.

PEARCEY

I assume I can leave you two to deal with… that?

HOLLY

Of course, Ms. Pearcey! We’ll take care of it right away!

PEARCEY

Right. Well. If you’ll excuse me.

Pearcey leaves.

HOLLY

(sighs dejectedly)

MAGNUS

I’ll go get the shovel.

HOLLY

Wait. Magnus? How did she know about the purse?

EXT. FRONT GARDENS, HOUSE OF HEALING—DAY

Pearcey steps out of the House of Healing and closes the door behind her with a sigh. She pulls the large black rock out of her pocket.

PEARCEY

You alright there, Leon?

LEON

Perfectly all right, thank you, Minister.

PEARCEY

(wry smile)

You’re really gonna tell me you saw that purse thing coming?

LEON

No one could have predicted that turn of events. I just thought that the strap was looking a little worn. But I have adjusted your schedule accordingly.

PEARCEY

(laughs)

Right. Thanks.

She starts off down the road. Far behind her, we hear the sound of a window breaking, and the planner’s snuffling, snarling growls as it runs off into the nearby forest.

MAGNUS

(distant shouting)

Hey! Get back here!

FADE OUT.

Music sting.

ELI

“Clairvoy-Can’t” was written by Jordan Cobb, and starred Julian Sark as Magnus. Olivia Jon as Holly, Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey and Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis. You can hear much, much more from Leon on Greater Boston. It’s one of our faves. I mean, obviously.

Hiding Out

by Eli Hamada McIlveen

With Julian Sark as Magnus and Olivia Jon as Holly
Sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen
Directed and produced by Sean Howard

ELI

So, next up: I wrote this one. It’s got some possible spoilers for our role-playing game spinoff The End of Time and Other Bothers… I say spoilers, but Magnus is involved, so who’s to say what’s true? This one is called “Hiding Out”.

Music sting.

EXT. FOREST—DAY

Whooshing and crashing noises. Magnus is practicing sword fighting with a stick.

MAGNUS

Ohoho! Nice try. You may be twice as big, but I’ve got speed and ingenuity on my side.

I know it’s not a fair fight, but hey, you were dumb enough to start it, so—

He swings and stabs.

MAGNUS

Ha! Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Of course not. Have you ever actually held a sword? Like a real sword?

You should probably think about a change in career. You know, like taking out the trash—oh wait, that’s my job. Ha ha!

A wild flurry of blows.

MAGNUS

Aww, did it hurt? Is the big bad giant scared? Why don’t you run along back to your—

HOLLY

Magnus!

Magnus whirls around, and falls over in a heap.

MAGNUS

Aaaa!

HOLLY

Magnus, what are you doing out here?

MAGNUS

I’m practicing! It’s the Mellurian Great-Heart sword technique.

HOLLY

More like Big-Mouth stick technique!

MAGNUS

Wow. Wow.

HOLLY

Sorry.

MAGNUS

Listen, trash talk is a vital part of throwing off your enemy’s game.

HOLLY

You’re supposed to be back at the House of Healing helping out the installers.

MAGNUS

They were getting along fine without me.

HOLLY

They need someone there for safety. You don’t even have to go up on the roof.

MAGNUS

Why can’t you do it?

HOLLY

I’m on reception! I’m supposed to be on reception, anyway—I shouldn’t have to come and track you down because you’re hiding out in the forest!

MAGNUS

Practicing. Practicing in the forest.

HOLLY

The Magic Support team only has a narrow window to install those lunar panels.

MAGNUS

Stupid panels. Why do we need them anyway?

HOLLY

You know why. It takes a lot of mystical energy to power all the new equipment.

MAGNUS

Which Minister Pearcey keeps dumping on us.

HOLLY

You’re just mad because you’re not allowed to use any of it.

MAGNUS

Well, it’s ridiculous! Why do we need to lock up all the fun—I mean the magic items? I can’t even use a fountain pen without having to check it out from that machine in the hall.

HOLLY

Yeah, like that’s such a burden.

MAGNUS

Hey, at least I can remember my password.

HOLLY

Everyone forgets their password.

MAGNUS

Four days in a row?

HOLLY

You need to get back to work, Magnus.

MAGNUS

We should just sign up with Mysticorp Energy. They’ll run a line straight to our front door, and do all the installation work themselves.

HOLLY

You know we can’t use them. They sell magic harvested straight from the loo lines. Using fricking! That’s so dangerous.

MAGNUS

It’s safer than the alternative!

HOLLY

What? Lunar energy is safe. And renewable, and dependable…

MAGNUS

Until it’s cloudy out.

HOLLY

The storage tanks can hold enough moonlight to last us weeks.

MAGNUS

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just… I don’t trust lunar power.

HOLLY

What do you mean, “trust”? It’s the moon!

MAGNUS

But you know, moon magic is kinda dangerous, isn’t it?

HOLLY

How could it ever be dangerous? It’s exactly the same energy that makes moondrops work. And all the equipment has been blessed by priests of Celene herself.

MAGNUS

(shudders)

Ehhh. Yeah, that’s the problem.

HOLLY

What, the priests of Celene?

MAGNUS

Don’t—

(whispers)

Don’t say her name!

HOLLY

She’s the goddess of the moon.

MAGNUS

I’m aware! I just don’t trust her.

HOLLY

Magnus, you’re being ridiculous. The moon is true and sustaining, and Celene is—

MAGNUS

Shhh! Holly!

HOLLY

What? Of all the gods and goddesses, why would you be afraid of Celene?

MAGNUS

(flinches again)

She’s always trying to spread her influence across the land. I bet you these lunar panels are a trick. She can probably see out of them, or project herself through them or—

HOLLY

Magnus. Even if she could do all that, she’s a kind and gentle goddess.

MAGNUS

Have you met her?!

HOLLY

No. Have you?

MAGNUS

Yes. I have, actually.

HOLLY

Pffft. Yeah, right.

MAGNUS

It’s true!

HOLLY

When did you meet the goddess of the Moon?!

MAGNUS

It was a few years ago, when I was delivering mail for the monastery. I was out by—you know that temple out towards Paradox? The big tree that’s been blasted by lightning?

HOLLY

The Temple of the Oracle?

MAGNUS

Yeah. I was there when it got blasted by lightning.

HOLLY

(skeptical)

Really.

MAGNUS

Yes! There was this demon and a fairy and this other scary lady who turned into a bear—there were a lot of scary ladies, actually, and they were trying to summon a different goddess, like, an ancient evil one and that’s how the tree got exploded.

HOLLY

And then Celene just showed up.

MAGNUS

She did! She showed up in a chariot covered in all this blue fire, and she wanted the demon guy to dedicate the tree temple to her but he made her mad and she sent us all away and there was a giant monster and we fell off it and the fairy couldn’t fly and we nearly died like a hundred times but then she pulled us back to her castle and…

(he trails off)

HOLLY

And?

MAGNUS

Oh man. I just remembered. Cel—the moon goddess, she gave me a task to perform.

HOLLY

She gave YOU a task?

MAGNUS

But I forgot. I totally forgot about it until now. Oh no.

HOLLY

You. An ordinary human boy.

MAGNUS

She knew my name and everything! And she said… I was supposed to deliver a message to my future boss.

HOLLY

Who? Alba?

MAGNUS

She must have meant Alba. Oh geez, I’m so dead.

HOLLY

Magnus, when are you not “so dead”?

MAGNUS

(whimpers)

HOLLY

So what was the message?

MAGNUS

She said, tell your boss that the Goddess of the Moon says… hello.

Silence.

HOLLY

That’s it?

MAGNUS

I think that was it.

Silence.

HOLLY

So, are you coming back to help with these panels?

MAGNUS

Yeah, okay.

Music sting.

ELI

“Hiding Out” starred Julian Sark as Magnus and Olivia Jon as Holly. Both of today’s mini-episodes were directed and produced by Sean Howard with sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. You can hear Magnus’s pre-Alba adventures in our special crossover episodes of The End of Time and Other Bothers. So search for “Other Bothers” wherever you listen to podcasts.

And did you know that you can find loads more bonus content for all our shows on our Patreon? You can find that at AlbaSalix.com—just look for the Patreon link there.

That’s it for this week. We’re gonna be back with more in two weeks. Stay well and bye for now.