Alba is summoned to remove some unexpected snakes from King Gunther’s head, and saddled with a bothersome young patient — not to mention some unwanted help from a fairy.
BONUS! Annotated Recording Script: These are the original recording scripts, with added commentary from us about the writing and production of each episode. We created these as a reward for our Patreon supporters, but this one’s available to all!
Content warning: Cartoonish violence, blood, panic, surgery, drug references and snakes.
Episode Transcript
INT. PALACE CHAMBERS, MORNING
PARABEL
Good morning, Millie.
MILLIE
Good morning to you, Your Majesty. Tea?
PARABEL
Yes, please.
MILLIE
Beautiful day out today.
PARABEL
The girls are off to their riding lessons?
MILLIE
Yes… though it took a bit of doing. Willemina is still unhappy they don’t have unicorns.
PARABEL
Well, Mummy and Daddy can’t afford unicorns this year. Where is Gunther, anyway?
MILLIE
His Majesty’s still in bed, I think.
SOUND: Wooden door opens
SOUND: Soft hissing
GUNTHER
(emerging, sleepy)
No, I’m awake.
(yawns)
Or almost awake. I swear, it must be something in that tonic Alba gave me for my…
SOUND: Tea service crashes to the floor
MILLIE
(horrified)
Oh, my word! Your Majesty!
PARABEL
Millie… oh, do take better care. Look what you’ve—
(screams)
Gunther!
GUNTHER
What? Parabel, what’s the matter?
PARABEL
Your hair! It’s all snakes! Look in the mirror!
SOUND: Snakelike hissing grows louder and louder
GUNTHER
Oh, for heaven’s sake. Get Alba in here!
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the First: Well Met.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
SOUND: Quiet bubbling, stirring
SOUND: Book page being turned
ALBA
(mumbling)
Grind and add seven leaves dried catnip. Is that per dose, or the whole cauldron?
SOUND: Door opens
JEROME
Alba!
ALBA
Hi Jerome.
JEROME
I wonder if you could help me out.
ALBA
(barely paying attention)
I’m a bit busy this afternoon…
JEROME
Oh, I understand. This won’t take long… I’ve just been having a touch of the old rheumatism again.
ALBA
(sighs)
Mm hmm.
JEROME
I was wondering, since you’re so good with potions and all, if you could mix up something.
ALBA
I’ve got three prescriptions to fill right now, Jerome.
JEROME
Not to worry, I can wait.
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
SOUND: Hooves clop in, then desk bell rings
ALBA
Excuse me a moment.
(to new patient)
Yes, can I help you?
VALTAR
Yes, I needs must see someone about my back.
ALBA
You’re in luck… our visiting chiropractor, Balthig the Ogre is in today. Have you seen him before?
VALTAR
No, I have not.
SOUND: Clipboard
ALBA
All right. You’ll need to fill out this patient information form.
VALTAR
(moving off)
Certainly.
SOUND: Hooves clop
JEROME
Boy, a centaur. Don’t get many of them around, eh?
ALBA
(distracted)
No, we don’t.
JEROME
So, you coming to the Palace tonight?
ALBA
The Palace?
JEROME
To see the show. The Dragon Mountain Monks are in town to perform astonishing feats of acrobatics and martial arts!
ALBA
Nah, not interested. I really don’t need to see a bunch of bald weirdos jumping around and chopping firewood with their hands.
JEROME
But Alba! They’re doing the Great Sword Dance. The Monks only perform it publicly every eight years.
ALBA
Yes. Very exciting. Seen it.
SOUND: Hooves approach
VALTAR
(wandering up)
Hold on, what’s this about a consultation fee?
ALBA
I’m afraid chiropractic isn’t covered for centaurs.
VALTAR
How is that fair?
ALBA
You’ve got twice the vertebrae and two ribcages.
VALTAR
It’s discrimination!
ALBA
I don’t set the prices. Take it up with Balthig. He’s right through there.
VALTAR
(wandering away again)
I believe I will.
SOUND: Hooves recede, interior door opens and shuts
ALBA
Where was I… one pennyweight of powdered parchment leaf. Bring to a boil…
SOUND: Stirring
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
KID
(running in)
Albaaa! I have the hic hiccups!
ALBA
Do you really.
KID
They’re terrible awful. How do I hic make them stop?
ALBA
That’s easy. Just stand on one foot…
KID
Uh huh…
ALBA
No, the left one. That’s it. Now, give me your hand, and put out your pinky finger…
KID
Like hic that?
ALBA
Just like that. Good. Now, hand me that big pair of shears.
KID
These she—hic—shears?
SOUND: Slight clatter of shears, and the soft noise of the blades opening
ALBA
Hold still now… keep that finger out nice and straight…
KID
No, wait wait wait!
ALBA
What is it?
KID
They’re gone! The hiccups! They’re all gone!
ALBA
Are they? Well, that’s a relief. I guess you get to keep your finger then.
KID
Whew!
ALBA
But if you ever have bad hiccups again, you just come and talk to me. Okay?
KID
O—hic—okay.
ALBA
You sure they’re gone?
KID
Totally gone! Um, th-thanks Alba!
ALBA
Don’t mention it.
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
SOUND: Distant crunch
VALTAR
(from the other room)
Aaaaa!
BALTHIG
(from the other room)
Now other side, please.
JEROME
Supposed to rain again tomorrow, I heard.
ALBA
Are you still here?
JEROME
And the day after that. I dunno how they tell. D’you know how they tell? Being a witch and all?
ALBA
Jerome. I’m supposed to cure the ills of an entire kingdom here, and you are wasting my time.
JEROME
Oh. Well… so, about my rheumatism…
ALBA
Yes. Yes, you’re right. Sorry. Here. Take this. Drink a mouthful with every meal. Don’t bug me any more.
JEROME
Oh! Well, thank you kindly then.
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
HERALD
(entering)
Miss Alba Salix.
ALBA
(ready to snap)
Yes.
HERALD
His Majesty the King requests your presence at the Palace.
ALBA
Oh?
HERALD
‘Tis a matter of some secrecy, he says, and most urgent.
ALBA
Now what?
(sighs, then, leaving)
Tell him I’m on my way.
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
SOUND: Crunch
VALTAR
Aaaaaa!
SOUND: Interior door opens
SOUND: Hooves, unsteady
BALTHIG
All done.
VALTAR
(winded)
Yes, thank you, that’s much better.
BALTHIG
You pay now.
VALTAR
Yes, yes of course… Very, uh, very reasonable rates indeed.
SOUND: Largish bag of coins handed over
BALTHIG
Remember stretching. Take care bye bye.
INT. PALACE
HERALD
Miss Alba Salix to see you, Majesty.
GUNTHER
Show her in. Hello, Alba.
SOUND: Door closes
ALBA
Hi Gunther… did you try out that hair tonic I gave you?
GUNTHER
Yes, about that.
ALBA
What’s the towel for?
(proudly)
Washing your new head of hair, were you?
GUNTHER
Look.
SOUND: Hissing and slithering
GUNTHER
Notice anything different?
ALBA
Oh, um… well, yes, you have a lovely full head of, um…
GUNTHER
Snakes.
ALBA
That’s the word I was looking for. How did this happen?
GUNTHER
Clearly a result of your little tonic.
ALBA
Clearly not! There’s no way it could have caused anything like this.
GUNTHER
Alba, what am I supposed to do now?
ALBA
Well, the… uh, serpentine look is very in this year. Gorgon chic, they’re calling it.
GUNTHER
I will not live with snakes on my head. What if one of them bites me?
ALBA
Oh, they’re only garter snakes. They’re quite harmless.
GUNTHER
Parabel won’t come near me. I can’t go out in public like this! And I was looking forward to the Dragon Mountain Monks show this evening, too.
ALBA
Yes. Sorry, Your Majesty. I’ll see what I can do.
GUNTHER
And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
ALBA
I’d keep the towel on. Snakes like the warmth.
EXT. PALACE GROUNDS
MUSIC: Lute and cymbals, distant
SOUND: Rhythmically rustling robes, dozens of bare feet stamping
MONKS
(in the distance, synchronized)
Hyaaaaa—foo! Hah!
LAING
Good work, brothers. Let us take fifteen before we rehearse the second half.
MONK
Yes, Father.
MAGNUS
Father Laing! Can I show you my moves now?
LAING
Not now, Brother Magnus.
MAGNUS
But you promised to let me show you. I’ve been working hard!
LAING
Magnus…
MAGNUS
Please. I want to be a warrior-monk.
LAING
You are young still, and have not the proper energy and attitude to pursue the art of combat.
MAGNUS
But I wanna learn to kick through walls and kill people with just my eyelids. Why the hell else would I join your stupid order?
SOUND: Smack
MAGNUS
Ow! I mean why the heck.
LAING
You only prove my point.
MAGNUS
Okay, sorry, I renounce all worldly things and I promise to use my powers for good and I don’t have an ego and stuff. Can I be a warrior monk now?
LAING
Magnus, your skills lie in other areas. You have it in you to be an excellent healer.
MAGNUS
Stupid healing. Can’t you teach me, like, one secret pressure point? Like that one that makes your ribcage explode?
SOUND: Big door creaks, distant, and booted footsteps
LAING
Hush, boy.
(calling)
Miss Salix? Excuse me, are you Miss Alba Salix?
ALBA
(approaching)
That’s me.
LAING
A pleasure. I am Father Laing of the Order of Dragon Mountain.
ALBA
Nice to meet you. Look, is this going to take long? I’ve got an important matter to attend to on behalf of His Majesty—
LAING
I understand you are the head of the new House of Healing, and as such I wonder if you might have a place for a young man who shows great potential as a surgeon.
ALBA
A surgeon?
LAING
Yes. Permit me to introduce Brother Magnus.
MAGNUS
Are you a witch?
LAING
Magnus! This is Miss Alba Salix, the Royal Physician.
MAGNUS
A woman physician? You gotta be kidding.
ALBA
An apprentice? This kid?
MAGNUS
I’m seventeen. And I know martial arts.
ALBA
I can’t say he sounds of much use to anyone, let alone me.
LAING
He does have some skill, and he’s… got great potential.
ALBA
I don’t need any assistance.
MAGNUS
You heard the witch.
ALBA
I certainly don’t need him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some herbs to gather.
INT. PALACE
SOUND: Muffled hissing throughout
PARABEL
Gunther?
GUNTHER
Yes, Parabel.
PARABEL
Did Alba get rid of the snakes?
GUNTHER
She’s working on it. Though I may as well give in and get Krankel in here to have a look.
PARABEL
You said you weren’t going to ask him.
GUNTHER
Well, what choice do I have?
PARABEL
Well… maybe I can help?
GUNTHER
(skeptical)
What do you propose to do, dear?
PARABEL
Well, you know how I have mystical powers too…
GUNTHER
Yes…
PARABEL
I am Alba’s sister, remember.
GUNTHER
And do you know any snake-removal spells?
PARABEL
Well, not spells… I haven’t studied the way Alba has, of course, but if I concentrate, and picture you in my mind without the snakes…
GUNTHER
Yes?
PARABEL
(nervously)
And then, um… if I kiss you…
GUNTHER
You’ll have to come a bit closer for that, dear.
PARABEL
Uh huh!
(braces herself, then kisses him)
…Anything?
GUNTHER
Not yet.
PARABEL
(disappointed)
Kissing always works.
GUNTHER
Perhaps if you were to kiss each snake individually?
PARABEL
(squeamish)
Nnnghh…
GUNTHER
Go ahead.
SOUND: Towel unwrapped, louder hissing
PARABEL
All right, here we go. Nghh…!
(tries mightily… then gives in)
Okay, you’d better summon Krankel.
EXP. MEADOW—DAY
SOUND: Birdsongs and other forest noises. Humming wings, like a dragonfly’s, zoom all about, and so does the voice of…
HOLLY
(singing)
Good morning, meadow, good day! You’re the loveliest meadow of all, I dare say…
(fading into the distance)
Hello, Mister Hedgehog! Hello, Bumblebees! Hello, daisies and blackbirds and sycamore trees…
SOUND: Footsteps through underbrush
ALBA
(approaching, from the other direction)
Snakeweed. Why can’t I find any snakeweed?
HOLLY
(approaching at top speed, still singing)
Swallowtail butterflies, grasshoppers too…
SOUND: Holly zooms in; thump of impact and crashing of bushes, clattering of bottles
ALBA
Augh!
HOLLY
Ooof!
(picking herself up)
Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there.
ALBA
(winded)
Why don’t you watch where you’re flying?!
HOLLY
Here, let me help you with your basket… My name’s Holly, by the way.
ALBA
Bloody fairies! I can manage my basket just fine.
HOLLY
Oh, chokecherries. Are you making a liver tonic?
ALBA
No.
HOLLY
A poultice?
ALBA
No.
HOLLY
A charm against thieves?
ALBA
No, it’s for removing snakes from someone’s—who the hell are you, anyway?
HOLLY
Snakes? Ohh! Chokecherry doesn’t remove snakes, that’s just an old wives’ tale. Sorry! Didn’t mean it like that—being that you are, you know… um…
ALBA
An old wife?
HOLLY
I didn’t mean it like that…
ALBA
I’m neither, thank you very much. Now excuse me.
SOUND: Footsteps, followed a few seconds later by humming wings
HOLLY
You know what’s better for removing snakes, is silverbark.
ALBA
Did I ask?
HOLLY
(miffed)
It seemed like the best way to help you out. You know, to make amends for bumping into you and calling you an old wife—
ALBA
That’s very kind. I don’t need your help.
HOLLY
(flying away)
Fine!
(catches herself, and returns)
But really, you should try the silverbark. There’s a stand of it right over there.
ALBA
All the books I’ve ever read say chokecherry.
HOLLY
Who are you going to believe? A bunch of books, or an expert herbalist?
ALBA
Expert? You? You can’t even fly straight.
HOLLY
Well, that’s probably just the rainbow-cap angel mushrooms I was trying earlier. Seems like they mess with my sense of direction. I should make a note of that…
ALBA
Uh huh.
HOLLY
It’s my big research project, see. I’ve been working my way through the native fungi of Farlora, to find out their effects on fairy physiology.
ALBA
And suddenly all is explained.
HOLLY
Can’t I at least carry your basket or something?
ALBA
No thank you.
SOUND: Wings
HOLLY
Please? I need to do you a good deed to set things right. It’s what we fairies do. Here, let me. Let me!
ALBA
No! Let go, you. Don’t make me smack you!
HOLLY
It’s really nothing! I can always—
SOUND: Crack of wicker, crashing and clinking
HOLLY (CONT’D)
Oops.
(flying away)
Sorry sorry sorry!
SOUND: Wings receding
ALBA
Bloody fairies!
INT. PALACE
HERALD
The Sorceror General to see you, Majesty.
GUNTHER
Krankel.
KRANKEL
Your Majesty.
GUNTHER
Do you know anything about snakes? Removing them, I mean?
KRANKEL
Are they getting into the palace gardens again?
GUNTHER
No. They’re on my head.
SOUND: Towel, hissing snakes
KRANKEL
Oh dear. And how did this come about? Let me guess—was it perhaps that “physician” of yours?
GUNTHER
It was supposed to be a hair tonic…
KRANKEL
Oh dear me. How terrible.
GUNTHER
Is there anything you can do?
KRANKEL
Mmm. It’s a tricky business, this. Do you have any more of the tonic, so-called?
GUNTHER
Alba took the rest of the bottle.
KRANKEL
Hmm. Without being able to perform an analysis on this preparation, I will require more time to formulate a suitable remedy.
GUNTHER
I hope you’re enjoying yourself, Krankel.
KRANKEL
Not at all, Majesty. But I did warn you, if I recall.
GUNTHER
Yes, yes. Stop poking at my snakes.
KRANKEL
With respect, Majesty, it is a consequence of allowing, if I may be so bold, a self-taught hedge witch to minister to the health of yourself and the kingdom at large…
GUNTHER
Thank you, Mister Krankel.
KRANKEL
Doctor Kra—
GUNTHER
Doctor Krankel. Just look for a remedy, please.
KRANKEL
(leaving)
Of course, Majesty.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
SOUND: Bubbling and fizzing, spoon stirring metal pot
ALBA
…Two parts tincture of rosehip to three parts dragon scale oil. Reduce heat and add three leaves of cow parsnip… drat.
SOUND: Spoon set down
SOUND: Door creaks open
ALBA
You!
HOLLY
I have wronged you, Miss Alba Salix, and now I must—
ALBA
What are you doing in my pantry?
HOLLY
I must do three good deeds for you to set things right. Look! I brought you a new basket.
ALBA
How did you get in?
HOLLY
Um… through the window.
ALBA
Oh gods…
HOLLY
Yeah, sorry about that, by the way.
ALBA
You broke my window!
HOLLY
I know! I’m sorry! I’ll fix it. Okay, so that’s four good deeds. But look, I’ve been sorting your pantry. Look!
ALBA
You’ve been… Oh, great Ivar, what have you done? I had everything filed away…
HOLLY
It was a crazy jumble! I don’t know how you could ever find anything.
ALBA
There’s a system! I had a system. And now I’ve got about two minutes to come up with a potion for the King!
(sighs)
Cow parsnip… cow parsnip… look at this! They’re not even in alphabetical order.
HOLLY
No, see! Alphabetical doesn’t make sense. I mean, if you’re looking for cow parsnip, is that under C for cow or P for parsnip or H for Heracleum? (hare-a-CLEE-um)
ALBA
You tell me.
HOLLY
I’ve organized them all by their Glade-Miles Herbal Catalogue Number.
ALBA
Oh gods help me.
HOLLY
This is the eight hundreds, which is everything with a hollow stem… here’s your hemlock, fennel, parsley and look… cow parsnip! You want the greens or the flowers?
ALBA
Give me that!
HOLLY
You’re welcome!
ALBA
And put my shelves back the way they were.
HOLLY
But I have to do a good deed so that we can—
ALBA
Here’s your good deed. Put everything back, and then get out of my pantry.
HOLLY
Geez, okay, okay.
ALBA
If there’s one thing I don’t need, it’s more “help”.
SOUND: Door opens
GUNTHER
(entering)
Alba, for heaven’s sake, I’ve got half an hour before I have to be back at the palace for the Monks’ show!
ALBA
There you are, Gunther! I was just, ah, finishing up the mixture… Here, get that towel off. Drink this.
SOUND: Towel removed, hissing of snakes
GUNTHER
Thank heavens.
(drinks)
Ugh. How long will it take?
ALBA
It should be instantaneous.
SOUND: Continued hissing
GUNTHER
Is there a particular instant you had in mind?
ALBA
Just give it a minute.
GUNTHER
I don’t feel anything.
HOLLY
(entering)
Hey, Alba, what should I do with this pumpkin extract? Oh, hey! You look kind of like the King except with snakes on your head!
GUNTHER
I am the King!
HOLLY
Oh! Well, in that case, hail, good King… uh…
ALBA
Gunther.
HOLLY
Gunther. King Gunther. I like the snakes!
GUNTHER
I don’t!
ALBA
(mutters)
Damn, they’re not shifting…
HOLLY
(quietly)
I told you, silverbark…
ALBA
Well, I don’t have any!
HOLLY
Not to worry. I brought some from the meadow.
SOUND: Rustling leaves, then chopping and clinking
HOLLY
Look—just grind it up finely, squeeze out the juice into one cup pear cider vinegar…
GUNTHER
Who is this person?
ALBA
Her name’s Holly. She’s… she’s an expert herbalist.
(mutters)
So she claims.
SOUND: Stirring, fizzing
HOLLY
A dash of nutmeg… and here you go.
GUNTHER
(drinking)
Mm, actually not too bad. Oh my word! It’s working.
SOUND: Hissing and slithering, receding
HOLLY
Here, bend down quick.
ALBA
No, no, use the basket! Take them outside.
HOLLY
See? It’s the oils in the silverbark. They help the snakes’ tails grow out and detach from your head.
GUNTHER
Dear me. I’ve never been so glad to be bald.
HOLLY
Bye, little snakes!
ALBA
Great. They’re all going under the furniture…
GUNTHER
That’s the last of them. Thank heavens. I must get back to the Palace. Thank you—Holly, was it?
HOLLY
Any time, your Majesty!
GUNTHER
Alba, I do hope you’re keeping her on.
ALBA
(under her breath)
No. I’m holding out for someone even more annoying.
SOUND: Door closes
HOLLY
What did I tell you?
ALBA
It was the chokecherry. A delayed reaction.
HOLLY
Was that a good deed or what?
ALBA
And now I have three dozen snakes living in my office.
HOLLY
Oh. Right. I can help with that. Hey… if they sprang from the King’s head, does that make them all princes and princesses?
ALBA
I don’t care. Chuck ’em out.
HOLLY
(to a snake)
Hi cutie. I’m gonna call you Princess Coily… and you, you look like a Tyrone…
ALBA
Holly. The basket.
HOLLY
Yes Ma’am!
INT. PALACE GROUNDS—STAGE TENT
WALLA: Excited anticipation
MUSIC: Monkish accompaniment, dramatic
HERALD
Your Royal Majesties! Ladies and Gentlemen. We proudly present, from the far Western Reaches, the warrior monks of the Order of Dragon Mountain!
WALLA: Applause
SOUND: Pounding footfalls and monks shouting
GUNTHER
Impressive, aren’t they?
PARABEL
Mmm, I like that one.
GUNTHER
Parabel!
PARABEL
You had your belly dancers last week.
GUNTHER
You insisted they wear robes. Look, what do you call that?
PARABEL
It’s traditional garb.
GUNTHER
It looks drafty.
PARABEL
That’s rich, coming from Mister “Ooo, the Sultan of Svangililand Has a Harem, Why Can’t I?”
GUNTHER
I didn’t say that.
PARABEL
Oh yes you did.
GUNTHER
Well, I didn’t say it like that.
KRANKEL
Your Majesties.
GUNTHER
Krankel! What are you doing here?
KRANKEL
I have found a remedy for the snakes that have been plaguing your royal scalp… er… your snakes—what’s happened to them?
GUNTHER
Alba took care of them.
KRANKEL
Did she?
GUNTHER
Well, she and her fairy.
KRANKEL
Which fairy would this be?
PARABEL
If you please, Mister Krankel…
KRANKEL
Doctor Krankel.
PARABEL
…the show is about to start and you’re being most distracting.
GUNTHER
Indeed.
KRANKEL
Yes, my apologies, Majesties. A good evening to you both.
(to himself)
A fairy, eh? Hmmm.
SOUND: Monks finale
WALLA: Applause
LAING
Your Majesties. We humbly offer you: the Golden Sunflower Head Slice Technique, demonstrated by Brother Coe and Brother Fang.
WALLA: Applause.
SOUND: Clashing swords and shouts
PARABEL
Ooh, that looks dangerous.
GUNTHER
Nonsense… all those swords are blunted so no one gets hurt.
SOUND: Swish, chop and a clattering of lumber
WALLA: Gasps and applause
GUNTHER
On the other hand…
MONKS
Hyah!
SOUND: Running footsteps, frantically whooshing sword blade
MAGNUS
(approaching)
Haaaaaaaaa! Hah!
(continues under)
WALLA: Laughter and excited chatter
PARABEL
Who on earth is that?
GUNTHER
That boy’s going to take someone’s head off.
LAING
(furtively, to Magnus)
Brother Magnus, what are you doing?
(aloud)
Your Majesties, I apologize! This is not part of the…
(to Magnus)
Get off the stage!
SOUND: Sword swinging
MAGNUS
Yaaah! Look, Father Laing! The Spiral pose! Torch bearer pose! Harvesting the grain! Tiger claw!
PARABEL
Shouldn’t we call the guards in?
GUNTHER
The monks should be able to handle it. He’s one of theirs, after all… and not a very good one.
LAING
Magnus! Not around the tent poles.
MAGNUS
Hurricane blade! Cannon kick! Hah!
LAING
Magnus! Come away from that pole!
SOUND: Crack of wood
MAGNUS
(falling)
Whoa, woah, whoa!
SOUND: Crash and thump
WALLA: Gasps and groans, a few laughs and cheers, then screams of panic
PARABEL
Oh dear!
GUNTHER
Idiot’s gone and gutted himself.
PARABEL
Oh dear, there’s blood everywhere…
MAGNUS
(weakly)
Ow! Dammit! I mean… cursèd… I mean… doggone drat in a hat…
SOUND: Wooden beams creak and then cave in
WALLA: Gasps
LAING
Magnus!
MAGNUS
Augh!
MONK
(running over)
Brothers! Father Laing! Are you all right?
LAING
Find the right place to stand, and the violence and troubles of the world shall pass you by.
MAGNUS
(muffled)
I’m fine too!
LAING
Your Majesties, Ladies and Gentlemen, there will be, um, a short break in the performance.
(to Magnus)
You idiot.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
HOLLY
I’m telling you, it makes perfect sense! It’s all in the book.
ALBA
It would help if either of us had this book.
HOLLY
What’s next?
ALBA
(wearily)
Purple coneflower?
HOLLY
That’s in the nine hundreds. No, wait… rats, it should be right here between sunflower and ragweed…
ALBA
Never mind. I’ll just get some from the garden.
HOLLY
I know it’s here somewhere…
ALBA
Thank you for your help.
HOLLY
I can sweep the rooms too. Organize your office?
ALBA
(firmly)
No.
HOLLY
But I haven’t made amends properly yet.
ALBA
We’ll call it even.
HOLLY
No, no, that’s not how it works! Upon my honour as a good fairy, I have solemnly…
SOUND: Door opens and monks enter
LAING
(entering)
Set him down there.
SOUND: Magnus set down with a bump
MAGNUS
Oof.
LAING
Oh, uh, Miss Salix!
ALBA
Yes? What’s happened?
LAING
A boy has been injured.
ALBA
Oh, dear. One of yours?
MAGNUS
(weakly)
Hey, Doc.
ALBA
Ah, it’s you.
LAING
He ran out during the performance, fell on his sword and brought the stage tent down on himself.
ALBA
Least he could have done is finish the job.
(sighs, then calls)
Holly!
HOLLY
(entering)
What can I do?
ALBA
I need fresh bloodwort. Lots of it.
HOLLY
(running off)
Coming up!
LAING
Miss Salix, I would entrust young Magnus to your care.
ALBA
What for? I’ll bandage him up and you can be on your merry way tomorrow.
LAING
Well, he is badly hurt, and we are, um, leaving town early.
ALBA
Ah. King didn’t appreciate the impromptu renovations, huh?
LAING
He was tough but fair.
HOLLY
(hurrying in)
Here’s the bloodwort.
(gasps)
Oh, geez, the poor kid!
MAGNUS
‘M seventeen…
HOLLY
We gotta clean up that gash and close it up.
MAGNUS
They let women and fairies work as physicians here?
LAING
Shut up, boy.
MAGNUS
What kind of a place is this?
HOLLY
Hey!
ALBA
Magnus? Hold still, this might hurt.
SOUND: Swat
MAGNUS
Ow! You’re supposed to be healing me!
ALBA
I know. Women, eh?
HOLLY
Oh juniper that’s a lot of blood.
MAGNUS
Eee, ee, ow… dammit to… golly gee darnit that stings.
HOLLY
Sorry, I gotta staunch the wound.
LAING
As well, I was hoping that you might give more thought to taking on young Magnus as an apprentice.
ALBA
Are you serious? Look at the damage he’s done in one night.
LAING
(lowering his voice)
I think of it this way… he is young, and hot-tempered, he has great interest in seeking the powers of dark magic. Something that I understand you yourself have experience in.
ALBA
(hushed)
Who told you that?
LAING
Magnus needs a guiding hand such as yours to set him on the right course.
ALBA
You want me to teach him dark magic?
LAING
No. I mean that you have made the journey into the darkest places of the soul and come back to the light.
ALBA
Not interested. I’ll fix the kid up, sure, but his karma is your problem.
LAING
Miss Salix. I hope you’ll reconsider.
HOLLY
Alba, you’re gonna have to bandage this one up, I’m feeling all woozy.
ALBA
Great.
SOUND: Drawer opened, rattle of instruments
MAGNUS
Don’t you have Threadstrong brand sutures?
ALBA
Stitch in Time are far better.
MAGNUS
Not on a wound this deep.
ALBA
These are the D series sutures. They’re double-enchanted to prevent infection and promote healing.
MAGNUS
I’m telling you, Threadstrong is the way to go.
SOUND: Rummaging in drawer
ALBA
You want Threadstrong? Fine. But don’t blame me when you come down with drill worms. And they always leave a scar.
MAGNUS
Excellent. Ow, ow.
ALBA
Hold still.
MAGNUS
Ow! Who did you sleep with to get this job? Or are you bestest friends with the Queen or something?
ALBA
Her sister, actually.
MAGNUS
Oh, that explains it.
(pause, then with growing glee)
Wait a second. You’re the Queen’s sister?
ALBA
Quick on the uptake.
MAGNUS
That means it was you… You tried to marry the King! Isn’t that how it happened? Three sisters tried to save the King’s life, and the youngest actually cured him and married him.
ALBA
There are a lot of different stories out there.
MAGNUS
So does that mean you failed? Or did the King just think she was prettier than you? Heh. OW!
ALBA
You should lay still and not talk when I’m trying to stitch you up.
MAGNUS
What, ’cause I might hit a nerve?
(proudly)
Oh yeah.
(pause)
Hey, is that what he meant about how you’ve been to dark places of the soul?
ALBA
Who said that?
MAGNUS
Father Laing. He said you know dark magic.
ALBA
He was only trying to get me to take you in.
MAGNUS
I bet you do. Show me a trick. Show me. Disintegrate something!
ALBA
No.
MAGNUS
Please?
ALBA
Give it up. Laing, tell your young monk here that I don’t do dark magic.
(nothing)
Father Laing?
MAGNUS
He snuck out.
ALBA
Bloody monks!
MAGNUS
I know, eh?
(pause)
Alba?
ALBA
Yes, Magnus.
MAGNUS
Are you evil?
ALBA
You don’t want to know.
MAGNUS
Yeah I do.
ALBA
No, you really don’t.
MAGNUS
C’mon, you can tell me all about your sins. I’m a holy man. Hey, where are you going? You haven’t done my leg yet. I’m still bleeding.
ALBA
(leaving)
Good. Keep it up.
MAGNUS
Ha ha, funny.
(pause)
Alba?
INT. PANTRY, CONTINUOUS
HOLLY
Hey, Alba. Get you anything?
ALBA
No, I’m fine.
HOLLY
Sorry about ducking out… whew! All that blood. I had to make some tea and calm down a bit.
(guilty)
I kind of used the last of your camomile, but I’ll get you some more…
ALBA
Mm hmm.
HOLLY
Whatcha looking for? I can find it for you.
ALBA
Found it, thanks.
HOLLY
Alba, that’s not wild carrot, by the way, that’s poison hemlock…
ALBA
I know what I’m doing, Holly.
HOLLY
Alba? What are you doing?
ALBA
Just taking care of my patient.
HOLLY
You’re not going to… I mean, I know he’s annoying and all, but he’s just a kid! You can’t just kill him!
ALBA
I’ve got motive, means and opportunity. The monks all up and skipped town. Who’s going to know? Or care?
HOLLY
I can’t let you do this.
ALBA
Get out of my way, fairy.
HOLLY
Alba, I thought you were nice!
ALBA
(grimly)
Ha.
HOLLY
Or at least, I thought you were a good witch, but you’re…
ALBA
Yes?
HOLLY
I don’t know.
(beat)
Alba? Are you evil?
Pause.
ALBA
No. But I like having the option.
HOLLY
(lets out a breath)
Well, thank all the twinkly stars for that.
ALBA
Now get out of my way. I’ve gotta stitch up the idiot kid.
HOLLY
(clears her throat)
Hemlock. Hand it over.
ALBA
(sighs)
HOLLY
Thank you.
INT. PALACE
GUNTHER
Will the defendant please stand.
MAGNUS
Yo.
SOUND: Chair pushed back
GUNTHER
Brother Magnus of Hezelford, this court finds you guilty of endangering the public, destruction of royal property, causing a disturbance and making a complete mess of the new curtains.
MAGNUS
I object, your Kingship.
GUNTHER
Don’t get smart with me. I, Gunther the Third, King of Farloria, do sentence you to five thousand hours of community service.
MAGNUS
What?!
GUNTHER
Did I say five thousand? I meant six thousand.
MAGNUS
Dammit.
GUNTHER
To be served at the House of Healing under the care of Miss Alba Salix, Royal Physician…
ALBA
What?!
MAGNUS
(suddenly seeing the bright side)
Heeey…
GUNTHER
…in the hopes that she will be a good influence on your character and keep you out of trouble.
ALBA
Gunther, what are you thinking?
SOUND: Gavel bang
WALLA: Whispering
GUNTHER
Court is dismissed.
(to Alba)
Alba, I’m counting on you.
ALBA
Gunther! Wait!
MAGNUS
Hey there, boss.
ALBA
(sighs)
Hello, Magnus.
MAGNUS
You ready to rock?
ALBA
Fine. Let’s get back to the House of Healing.
MAGNUS
Sweet. You can give me my first lesson in black magic.
ALBA
All right, all right.
(leaving)
Have you ever had hemlock?
MAGNUS
(following)
No, is it good?
MUSIC: CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ANNOUNCER
In “Well Met”, Episode One of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus and Valtar the Centaur
and Olivia Jon as Holly
with
George Bertwell as King Gunther
Marisa King as Queen Parabel
Carter Siddall as Helbard Krankel and Balthig the Ogre
Robert Frances as Jerome and Father Laing
Jasmin Cheng as Millie and Hiccups Kid
and Sean Howard, Jason Mahon and Stephen Smith.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.
Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.