While Alba tends to her two least favourite patients, Magnus receives some advice from the local wildlife.
Content warning: Cartoonish violence, animal endangerment, animal attacks, hypochondria, surgery, innuendo and leeches.
Episode Transcript
EXT. GARDEN, DAWN
SOUND: Morning birds
SOUND: Knocking at wooden door
ALBA
Magnus. Time to get up.
MAGNUS
(muffled)
Okay, okay. Hold your horses, jeez.
SOUND: Door opens, clattering of tools
MAGNUS
(emerging)
Hey, it’s dark out, Alba. Why did you wake me up in the middle of the night?
ALBA
It’s practically dawn.
MAGNUS
Practically, but not actually dawn. Therefore, night.
ALBA
Here. Take this bottle. I need you to collect the dewdrops from the grass.
MAGNUS
What for?
ALBA
A lot of spells call for moondrops—dewdrops collected the night of a full moon.
MAGNUS
But that means bending over. I’m still wounded, you know.
ALBA
You’re fine. It’s time for you to start earning your keep.
(leaving)
Now get to it, before the sun comes up and they burn off.
MAGNUS
(calling after her)
This is inhumane treatment, you know.
(sighs)
SOUND: Soft rustling of grass
MAGNUS
(muttering)
Come on. Dammit, this thing’s too small. She could at least give me a jar or a funnel or something.
BIRD
I offer thee a tiny clue.
MAGNUS
What? Who’s there? Whoa… was that you?
BIRD
I offer thee a tiny clue to catch the precious morning dew.
MAGNUS
You’re a bird.
SOUND: Bird twitter
MAGNUS
It must be the sleep deprivation. I need coffee.
BIRD
Sing a song to every drop.
MAGNUS
Excuse me?
BIRD
Into the bottle it will pop.
MAGNUS
You’re not serious.
BIRD
Sing a song to every drop.
MAGNUS
I am not singing a song to a bunch of dewdrops.
(fussing)
I already look like enough of a loser trying to catch dewdrops in a tiny… dammit…
BIRD
Sing a song.
MAGNUS
I’m not singing! Go away! Do I tell you how to do your job?
BIRD
Sing a song to every drop.
MAGNUS
(giving chase)
Scram! Beat it! Go catch a worm or something. Hee-yah!
SOUND: Shovel picked up and thrown
BIRD
(running away)
Into the bottle it will pop!
MAGNUS
Go ahead. One more rhyme and I’ll show you my advanced shovel technique.
SOUND: Annoyed twittering
MAGNUS
Yeah, same to you!
(yawns)
All right. Dewdrops…
SOUND: Holly’s wings, approaching
HOLLY
(flying in, sleepy and spacey)
Good morning!
MAGNUS
Wrong on both counts.
HOLLY
Oh, Magnus. It’s a beautiful morning. And last night!
(sighs happily)
I flew to the stone circle in the Golden Glade with eleven other fairies. We did a dance to the full moon, and tried this amazing wine I made from star-berries…
MAGNUS
Well, aren’t you just special.
HOLLY
Aw. Why are you such a grumpy goose?
MAGNUS
Let’s see… I’m forced into hard labour despite my life-threatening injuries. And at night I have to sleep in the toolshed. But no, wait, I’m not allowed to sleep because it’s four A.M. and time to gather dewdrops in a thimble.
HOLLY
Oh, moondrops. Of course! Are you singing to them?
MAGNUS
Holly… don’t you start, too. Some bird’s already been trying to tell me how to do it.
HOLLY
You should always listen to the birds and animals. They’re your friends!
MAGNUS
My friends have bigger vocabularies.
HOLLY
So. The dewdrops in Alba’s garden usually like the key of B flat major. It all depends on the type of grass. Watch.
(sings)
Come, spring from your leaves, each glimmering bead…
SOUND: Tiny drip
HOLLY
See?
MAGNUS
Holly, I am not singing to Alba’s front lawn.
HOLLY
It’s easy.
MAGNUS
Well, you do it, then.
WALLA: PANICKY VOICES, HUSHED, MIDDLE DISTANCE
SOUND: Urgent door-knocking
HOLLY
(takes a breath and resumes singing)
Each glimmering…
(stops abruptly)
Oh my gosh. They’re bringing someone in.
MAGNUS
Oh. Yeah… looks like an emergency case. We better go see.
HOLLY
You should stay and get the dewdrops before they’re gone.
MAGNUS
Hey… why don’t I go, and you get the dewdrops?
HOLLY
(calling)
Remember, B‑flat!
SOUND: Holly flies off
MAGNUS
Yeah, like I know from B‑flat. Well, thanks a million.
(pause; then sings, badly and trying not to be heard)
Spring from your leaves… every glimmering bead…
(sighs)
I hate my life.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Second: The Labours of Magnus.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
ALBA
Holly. There you are.
HOLLY
(arriving)
Hi Alba! Sorry I’m late.
ALBA
I need the Silver Star ointment, the Quick-Knit compresses and a pair of pliers.
HOLLY
You got it.
SOUND: Pantry door
ALBA
(announcing)
Patient is male, mid-forties, with a deep puncture to the right leg and probable concussion.
HOLLY
(returning)
Wait, I know him… that’s Jerome! The guy who was in here the other day for his gout, right?
ALBA
And the day before that for a cold, and the day before that…
HOLLY
And now he’s got an arrow in his leg? Talk about unlucky!
ALBA
You have to wonder.
HOLLY
What happened?
ALBA
Just before sunrise, his son heard a commotion in the henhouse, thought it was a wolf and shot him in the leg with a crossbow. Jerome tried to run, tripped over a blue bantam rooster and cracked his head on a stone.
HOLLY
Wow… he got a goose egg from a chicken?
ALBA
Fell right on his wounded leg too. Luckily he hasn’t lost too much blood, but we’ll have to be careful not to damage the femoral artery…
MAGNUS
(entering)
What’s up. Whoa, did he take a crossbow bolt to the leg? That’s heavy duty. Can I help take it out?
ALBA
I’d rather keep my patient, thanks. Holly, I need seven drops of the ointment, all around where the arrow went in.
HOLLY
Sure thing.
MAGNUS
Isn’t that the Jerome guy you always complain about?
ALBA
The very one.
MAGNUS
Well, hey, now’s your moment!
ALBA
My moment to what?
MAGNUS
You know… off him.
HOLLY
Magnus!
ALBA
I didn’t off you.
MAGNUS
Well, clearly you knew a good thing when you saw it.
ALBA
We all make mistakes.
SOUND: Clinking of eyedropper in bottle
MAGNUS
I can do that. I can clean out the wound if you want.
JEROME
(howls in pain, though still asleep)
HOLLY
Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, Jerome!
MAGNUS
See, she’s doing it wrong.
ALBA
No, no, I think he’s having a reaction to something the ointment.
MAGNUS
Maybe he objects to being treated by a fairy.
HOLLY
Maybe he objects to the presence of a nasty human.
MAGNUS
Holly, you shouldn’t talk about Alba like that.
ALBA
That’s very odd. Couldn’t be the silver, could it?
HOLLY
I’ll make up a Sanitas tincture. That should disinfect without causing a reaction.
ALBA
No, it won’t be as effective.
MAGNUS
Yeah, Holly.
HOLLY
It is so effective!
ALBA
Hand me the amulet hanging on the door. Second hook.
SOUND: Fine chain jingles
MAGNUS
This one?
ALBA
Thanks.
MAGNUS
(laying it on thick)
You’re welcome, Alba.
ALBA
Munda me. Clarifica me, Clara. (MOON-da MAY. cla-REEF-ica MAY)
SOUND: Whispery magic flourish
HOLLY
(quietly, a mantra)
I’m a good fairy and I help people. I’m a good fairy and I… Ooh, pretty!
ALBA
Right, let’s get that arrow out. Holly, get ready to apply pressure on the wound.
HOLLY
Sure thing.
MAGNUS
I know this technique that we learned back at the monastery where you can melt wood. I bet that would work.
ALBA
I need you to stay out of the way, Magnus.
MAGNUS
I totally studied this! My mind has power over wood!
SOUND: Big jug picked up
ALBA
You want something to do? Here. Go up the road to the royal stables and gather up the saltpeter from under the manure pile.
MAGNUS
What?
ALBA
Saltpeter. It leaches out of the manure as it ages.
MAGNUS
I know where it comes from. But why me? Why can’t Holly do it?
ALBA
I need her help in here.
MAGNUS
I can do surgery!
ALBA
Magnus.
MAGNUS
(getting whiny)
C’mon. Why do you think they call it saltpeter? It causes… wiltage.
HOLLY
Wiltage?
MAGNUS
Wiltage of the…
(uncomfortable)
the peter.
ALBA
You aren’t going to eat any, are you?
HOLLY
And anyway, why does that matter if you’re a monk? I thought you had power over wood.
MAGNUS
It saps the essential masculine energy that I need to perform amazing feats of martial arts.
ALBA
That works out nicely then. Get out there and shovel.
MAGNUS
(leaving)
Hmph. This is why my prior warned me not to consort with women!
SOUND: Door opens, shuts
ALBA
(calling)
You should have listened to him.
(to Holly)
Now then. Bend the leg towards me, please, and hold the bandage there.
JEROME
(whimpers foggily in his sleep)
HOLLY
Okay. Hang in there, Jerome…
ALBA
Maybe Magnus was right. If I didn’t have this dope coming to me every day for his nonexistent problems, I could have so much time back…
HOLLY
Alba, that’s an awful thing to say.
ALBA
Having second thoughts about doing good deeds for an evil witch?
HOLLY
You aren’t evil, you just need someone to help. And keep an eye on you.
INT. STABLES, MORNING
SOUND: Morning birds, distant horse snorts and whinnies
SOUND: Scraping of pitchfork
SOUND: Squirrel chitter
MAGNUS
Damn witches and fairies. Trying to keep a good man down. Gods, it stinks out here!
SQUIRREL
Dance a turn with yonder broom.
MAGNUS
What? Oh. Great, now it’s squirrels giving me advice.
SQUIRREL
Dance a turn with yonder broom. Thy labours will be over soon.
MAGNUS
Bite me. I’m not dancing. My manhood’s already suffering enough damage.
SQUIRREL
Dance a turn with yonder broom.
MAGNUS
Go away! Git! Damn rodent! Hya!
SOUND: Pitchfork whooshing and clanging, angry chittering
SQUIRREL
Dance a turn with yonder broom!
MAGNUS
Beady-eyed little freak! Take that! Hai! Hoo!
(toppling over)
Whoaaaa!
SOUND: Heavy squelch; pitchfork clatters to the ground
MAGNUS
Augh! Crap.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
JEROME
Ughh…
ALBA
That should do it, I think.
HOLLY
Alba, I think he’s coming round.
JEROME
(sleepily)
Oh dear. Oh, ouch, ouch, what’s wrong with my…
HOLLY
Easy there, Jerome… you bumped your head.
JEROME
What’s going on?
HOLLY
You’re at the House of Healing. Easy now. Try not to move that leg either.
JEROME
My leg?
ALBA
Do you remember being shot with a crossbow?
JEROME
No… I just remember… the moon, and… chickens everywhere…
ALBA
Quit moving around, Jerome.
JEROME
I know you…
ALBA
Yes. Sadly.
JEROME
Al… Alba? I remember you, you’re nice.
HOLLY
He’s delirious. Jerome? How many fingers am I holding up?
JEROME
Chickens… tasty chickens…
SOUND: Door opens and shuts; squishy footsteps approach
HOLLY
Jerome?
ALBA
I definitely like him better concussed. Ugh, where’s that smell coming from?
(sternly)
Jerome?
JEROME
Wuh?
HOLLY
Magnus! What happened?
MAGNUS
(arriving)
Everybody just shut up.
ALBA
Magnus, what…?
(Sighs)
Please stop tracking manure everywhere. Why don’t you wash up outside?
MAGNUS
Your neighbourhood is full of smug, smartass woodland creatures and they all hate me.
JEROME
(a groan, almost dog-like)
HOLLY
Jerome, you really have to relax. Alba, I’m going to make up a Samstrong’s potion for Jerome.
ALBA
Did Magnus get enough moondrops?
SOUND: A desk bell rings
MAGNUS
Hey, someone’s at the counter!
COUNTESS
(from the other room, cheerful)
Hello! Excuse me!
ALBA
Oh, drat, I forgot. Countess Carnelia has an appointment this morning. If it’s not one thing, it’s eighteen hundred other things…
COUNTESS
I say. Hellooo!
HOLLY
She sounds nice.
SOUND: Rummaging with jars
ALBA
Ridiculous woman. Of course, she is a friend of Parabel’s. Won’t take any medicine I give her, unless it’s leeches… Dammit. Magnus!
MAGNUS
Now what?
ALBA
We’re fresh out of leeches. I need you to gather another jug of them from the pond out back.
MAGNUS
Yup, that’s why I studied surgery at the Monastery, so I could shovel crap and fetch leeches.
ALBA
Magnus.
MAGNUS
Fine, how do I catch them?
ALBA
Easy. You go to the pond, roll up your trousers and wade in.
MAGNUS
Oh, that sounds like fun.
ALBA
Or I could get a pair of scissors and we can study surgery on your liver.
JEROME
(dreamily)
Liver…
MAGNUS
Okay, okay.
SOUND: Jug hefted, then footsteps
ALBA
(calling after him)
And make sure to pry the leeches off. Never squeeze them.
MAGNUS
Whatever!
SOUND: Door slams
INT. RECEPTION, CONTINUOUS
SOUND: Desk bell
COUNTESS
Hellooo!
ALBA
(entering)
Your Ladyship.
COUNTESS
Miss Salix! Good morning.
ALBA
Sorry to keep you waiting. How have you been?
COUNTESS
Oh, busy, busy, you know how it is, the life of a patron and philanthropist…
ALBA
Of course! That reminds me… the Queen suggested you might be inclined to make a small donation to the House of Healing?
COUNTESS
(uncomfortable)
Yes, well. I’ll have to talk it over with my bookkeeper. I’m… reorganizing my giving portfolio, you see. And I’ve been so dreadfully busy of late…
ALBA
All those salons and parties must have you positively exhausted.
COUNTESS
Oh, you have no idea. It’s been taking a terrible toll, Miss Salix—my health has been in tatters. Just look! My hands are swollen again and my face is red as a beet…
ALBA
Your hands look fine to me.
COUNTESS
Oh, no, no. They may look fine but my hand specialist always told me I’m at great risk of fatsoplasia.
ALBA
You don’t say.
COUNTESS
And my ear, nose and toenail specialist is warning me I have too much blood in my bloodstream. Look how red I am!
ALBA
Your Ladyship, you’re about as red as an albino snowman who’s seen a ghost.
COUNTESS
But that’s only the outward aspect. A healer such as yourself should know the difference between mere appearances and true inner redness.
ALBA
Yes, of course.
COUNTESS
I need more leeches—I think the ones you gave me are too full.
ALBA
My assistant is just fetching you some now. Did you drink the tincture I gave you?
COUNTESS
Eugh. That stinking, undrinkable pink tincture?
ALBA
I really think you should drink that tincture.
COUNTESS
I tried, but I simply couldn’t.
ALBA
You’ll let leeches stick themselves to you, but you won’t take a simple herbal—
COUNTESS
Miss Salix, isn’t there anything you can do?
ALBA
(under her breath)
I could stitch your mouth shut for a start.
INT. OPERATING ROOM
JEROME
Uhhhh…
HOLLY
Hey there, Jerome. I just need you to drink this.
JEROME
What’s that?
HOLLY
It’s a Samstrong’s Healing Extreme potion. Made with fresh dewdrops, so it’s got all the healing power of the full moon.
JEROME
The moon? I like the moooon.
(drinks)
HOLLY
I know, me too!
(leaving)
Just take it easy and I’ll be back in a few minutes.
JEROME
I like the mooooon…
(it starts to turn into a howl)
EXT. LEECH POND, DAY
SOUND: Songbirds, ducks
SOUND: Water sloshes
MAGNUS
(to himself, near panic)
Oh, jeez dangit heck I should have stayed at the monastery. Okay. Pry it off, don’t squeeze. Pry it off, don’t squeeze. Urrghghhh!
SOUND: Tiny pop and splash
MAGNUS
Urgh… that’s one. Wait, that’s it? One leech? C’mon… please don’t make me wade back in there…
(pause, then calls)
Okay, guys, I’m ready. I’ll dance or sing or whatever as long as I don’t have to go back in the leech pond. Guys? People of the animal kingdom? Figures. They’re never there when you need them…
(muttering, under the following)
Living on nuts and berries. I know they’re laughing at us.
SOUND: Fluttering wings arrive
BIRD
(whispering)
This oughta fix him.
SQUIRREL
(whispering)
What’s in the vial?
BIRD
(whispering)
Stole it from the witch’s pantry. You’ll see.
(clears throat)
Greetings, human child.
MAGNUS
Oh, hey, Mister Bird. Sorry about earlier.
BIRD
Think nothing of it.
MAGNUS
Um, any tips on collecting leeches? So far I got a total of one.
BIRD
One is all you need. Leeches just need the right food, you see.
MAGNUS
I am not letting them feed on me, thank you very much.
BIRD
No need for blood. I got something a thousand times more powerful.
MAGNUS
Aren’t you supposed to talk in rhyme?
BIRD
Sometimes you gotta improvise. Break loose. De-versify, you might say. Here, take this vial.
MAGNUS
(reading)
“Drake’s Jelly”. What’s drake’s jelly?
SQUIRREL
(delighted)
Nooo. You didn’t!
BIRD
(aside)
Zip it, squirrel. You trying to blow this?
(to Magnus)
It’s a growth formula—a multiplication factor.
MAGNUS
It makes leeches multiply?
BIRD
(evasive)
Something like that.
SOUND: Tiny clink
MAGNUS
Okay. As long as there’s no dancing. How do you know all this stuff, anyway?
BIRD
You learn a lot when you hang around a witch’s house.
MAGNUS
Hey, he likes it! He’s actually going for it.
BIRD
Welp, gotta fly! Nests to build, songs to sing…
MAGNUS
He’s getting bigger. Cool. Do they divide in half, like amoebas, and camels?
BIRD
Later, human!
MAGNUS
(distracted)
Right! Thanks for the tip.
SOUND: Fizzing
MAGNUS
Wow, he’s really growing fast.
SOUND: Splashing
SOUND: Tiny, rasping screech
MAGNUS
Holy crap. Bird! What is this stuff?! What did you do?
SOUND: Screech, slightly bigger
SOUND: Jug being stoppered
MAGNUS
Oh gods. Goodbye, liver. I’ll miss you.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
COUNTESS
I want a test for fatsoplasia.
ALBA
But that’s not what you have, your Ladyship.
COUNTESS
I know what I have! On account of being the one who has it!
ALBA
You’re showing none of the symptoms.
HOLLY
(entering)
Jerome’s had his potion, Alba.
ALBA
Thanks Holly. Can you go check on Magnus?
HOLLY
Will do.
COUNTESS
My colour specialist was telling me I should be taking moosemint leaf.
ALBA
(skeptical)
I suppose that wouldn’t hurt…
COUNTESS
Would you please provide me with some, in that case?
ALBA
Why are you coming to see me if you have all these specialists?
COUNTESS
(caught)
Well… you are the Royal Physician, appointed by the King himself.
ALBA
So, nothing to do with the fact that treatment at the House of Healing is paid for by the King himself.
COUNTESS
I don’t know what you’re insinuating.
ALBA
I’m sure you don’t.
COUNTESS
Do you have any moosemint?
ALBA
No. None.
COUNTESS
Well, so much for nationalized medicine.
ALBA
Do you actually pay any taxes?
COUNTESS
Where are my leeches?
EXT. GARDEN
MAGNUS
(chummy)
Hey, Holly…
HOLLY
Hi Magnus! How did you do with the leeches?
MAGNUS
Good, good. Say, this is just a hypothetical question…
HOLLY
Yes?
MAGNUS
If you were going to shrink something, like with magic, how would you do it?
HOLLY
Is this about the saltpeter?
MAGNUS
No, it’s about the lee… it’s about learning basic magic concepts, which I’m trying to do, as an apprentice.
HOLLY
Magnus. You know fibbing causes acne.
MAGNUS
Not fibbing!
HOLLY
What did you do? Is it the leeches?
MAGNUS
No.
SOUND: Leech screech, muffled
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Maybe.
HOLLY
What did you do?
MAGNUS
It wasn’t me! It was your friend the bird! Honest!
HOLLY
Let me see that jug.
MAGNUS
No! Don’t open it!
SOUND: Big stopper pulled, and a burbling screech, louder and deeper
HOLLY
Yeow!
MAGNUS
Put the lid back on! Put it on!
SOUND: Burbling; stopper wrestled back in
HOLLY
(breathless)
Magnus! What did you do?
MAGNUS
It was the bird! He told me to feed them drake’s jelly!
SOUND: Muffled screech
HOLLY
What? You know what drake’s jelly is, don’t you?
MAGNUS
It’s this green stuff that comes in a tiny bottle…
HOLLY
It’s where baby dragons come from.
MAGNUS
What?!
HOLLY
Worms and leeches are the larval stage.
MAGNUS
For dragons.
HOLLY
Yes! Earthworms turn into hill dragons, leeches turn into water dragons, nematodes turn into vinegar dragons… But they don’t do that unless they eat drake’s jelly.
MAGNUS
And where does that come from?
HOLLY
From dragons, silly. It comes out of these glands they have under their—
SOUND: Screech
MAGNUS
That’s a real dragon in there?
HOLLY
Yeah. Gosh, he had big jaws.
MAGNUS
All the better to eat us with.
SOUND: Distant door slam, and businesslike footsteps
HOLLY
Uh oh.
ALBA
(approaching)
Magnus, what’s taking so long?
MAGNUS
(freaked)
Hi Alba!
ALBA
Please tell me you’ve managed to catch some leeches.
MAGNUS
I, uh… why, yes, as a matter of fact, they’re right here. Uh, you don’t have to open it though! I was just thinking maybe there weren’t enough of them. I thought I’d go back for some more.
HOLLY
Magnus has something to tell you, don’t you, Magnus?
MAGNUS
Well. I. That is…
ALBA
Yes?
SOUND: Door again, and running footsteps
COUNTESS
(a distant scream, then, approaching)
Help! Mad dog! Horrible, filthy beast! Help!
JEROME
(close behind, barking happily)
Whoof? Rarf! Woof!
(pants)
ALBA
Toby! What are you doing here?
COUNTESS
Get this thing away! It’s sniffing me!
ALBA
Off. Toby, get off the Countess. Sorry, Your Ladyship. That’s just Toby. He sort of… turns up every once in a while.
JEROME
Urrf!
COUNTESS
Horrible creature! It’s probably full of diseases…
ALBA
He’s fine. Toby, off. Scram.
JEROME
(whines)
SOUND: Dog footsteps recede
COUNTESS
You can be sure I won’t be donating any money to this place.
ALBA
Oh well.
COUNTESS
Is that my jug of leeches?
MAGNUS
Well, you see, it’s, uh, not a very nice jug, and I thought—
ALBA
Just give the Countess her damned leeches and she’ll be on her way.
HOLLY
(worried)
Um… Alba, that’s not a good idea…
COUNTESS
Give me that jug!
SOUND: Jug snatched, water sloshes
COUNTESS (CONT’D)
Honestly.
ALBA
(hurrying things along)
There you are. So lovely to see you again, your Ladyship.
COUNTESS
Not so fast. You’d better not be trying to cheat me.
SOUND: Squeaking of stopper
MAGNUS
No!
HOLLY
Don’t open it! Magnus, tell them.
MAGNUS
Honest! There’s lots in that jug. I counted twice.
COUNTESS
(straining with the stopper)
I’m supposed to believe you, you unsanitary little man?
MAGNUS
And it’s a very tricky stopper and you won’t be able to get it back in.
ALBA
Yes! You’ve got your leeches, now have a lovely day and hope you feel better soon.
COUNTESS
What are you all trying to hide?
MAGNUS
Nothing! But the leeches are… very sensitive to light.
COUNTESS
(straining again)
For heaven’s sake.
HOLLY
(unable to contain herself)
Countess, you can’t have that jug! There’s a giant dragon in there!
Silence.
MAGNUS
(weakly)
Heh!
ALBA
Holly, what’s gotten into you?
COUNTESS
I’ve never heard such rubbish in my life.
MAGNUS
Yeah, Holly. What rubbish.
(suddenly urgent)
But no, seriously, Countess! I’d wait until you get home to…
SOUND: Pung! the lid pops. a huge screech, slithering
COUNTESS
(screams)
SOUND: Jug smashes on the ground, water splatters. burbly screech
MAGNUS
…open it.
ALBA
Magnus!
MAGNUS
It’s not my fault!
ALBA
That’s a water dragon.
HOLLY
Ohh! He’s beautiful!
ALBA
What have you done now?
MAGNUS
I deny everything!
SOUND: Screech
ALBA
Get back!
HOLLY
He’s already so much bigger. Who’s a good little dragon?
SOUND: Screech and snap of jaws, slithering, and heavy snorting breathing
(continues under)
COUNTESS
Help! We’re cornered! It’s going to eat us!
ALBA
(calmly)
Mister Dragon.
HOLLY
I’m gonna call him… Langley.
ALBA
I’m guessing you’re too young to understand what I’m saying, but we’re not going to hurt you. We’re just going to edge along this wall toward the back door if that’s all right.
SOUND: Warning screech
COUNTESS
(screams)
MAGNUS
That’s pretty much a no.
ALBA
So much for diplomacy.
MAGNUS
I bet I could take him. Want me to subdue him?
HOLLY
Magnus, you be nice to Langley.
ALBA
He’s agitated enough as it is.
SOUND: Hiss!
COUNTESS
Get it away from me! Kill it!
ALBA
Your Ladyship, please pull yourself together.
COUNTESS
Do something!
HOLLY
You’re both scaring him. There, there, little guy…
SOUND: Snarl
COUNTESS
No! Get it away!
ALBA
For heaven’s sake. Aurei somni oculos implebunt.
(AW-ree SOM-nee OC-you-los im-PLAY-bunt)
SOUND: Magic noise, fizzles
MAGNUS
(after a moment)
What did that do?
SOUND: Dragon hiss
ALBA
I guess that sleeping spell doesn’t work on dragons.
COUNTESS
(sleepy)
Get… away… thing… breathing on me…
(snores)
SOUND: Body falls to the ground
ALBA
Works on countesses, at least.
SOUND: Quieter bellow, snuffling
ALBA (CONT’D)
Now you listen, dragon. That’s the Countess Carnelia. She’s my patient and the Queen’s best friend… so you’d better eat all of her. I don’t want any evidence.
HOLLY
Alba! Come on, Langley. Let’s get you down to the seaside where you can get something proper to eat—
SOUND: Louder bellow and snap of teeth
HOLLY (CONT’D)
Eeek! Langley, be nice!
MAGNUS
If only I had some kind of weapon.
ALBA
Magnus, leave it. And Holly, quit trying to pet him. Listen, you’re the only one who can fly. I need you to—
SOUND: Dog running
JEROME
(angry)
Woof! Woof woof rarf ruff woof!
ALBA
Toby! Be careful!
MAGNUS
That is one weird looking dog.
SOUND: Dragon screech
ALBA
Holly, now! While he’s distracted—get inside. Get me the glass wand and the duckweed pollen.
HOLLY
Duckweed pollen? Ohh… of course! That’s a great idea.
ALBA
Go! Now!
HOLLY
Okay!
SOUND: Holly’s wings, zooming off
SOUND: Screech
JEROME
Woof! Whuff! Rarf!
MAGNUS
Yup, lead him on, just a little further… that’s it… don’t mind me…
ALBA
Magnus, what are you doing?
SOUND: Shovel clank
MAGNUS
Ha ha! Hyah! Get back, foul fiend! I have the power of Shovel!
ALBA
That’s not helping.
SOUND: Screech, cut short by the plang! of a shovel connecting, then a confused, groggy bellow and MORE THRASHING
ALBA (CONT’D)
Magnus!
MAGNUS
Yeah! Snicker-snack, baby! Ya like that?
(jerked off his feet)
Hwaaaugh!
SOUND: Dragon bellow, and the shovel falls to the ground. then, scrambling and scraping
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
(dragged off into the distance)
Craaap! Help! Alba!
JEROME
Whurrf?
ALBA
Good boy, Toby. You saved us all from being eaten.
JEROME
(proudly)
Ruff!
(pants)
MAGNUS
Help! Nice dragon…
(being squeezed)
Oooof!
ALBA
Well, close enough.
SOUND: Holly’s wings, approaching
HOLLY
Wow. They grow up so fast, don’t they? He’s been a dragon for fifteen minutes and he can already climb a wall while carrying a gangly human boy.
ALBA
I just had that roof replaced, too.
MAGNUS
Alba! He’s drooling on me! Help?
JEROME
Rurf?
HOLLY
I didn’t know you had a dog, Alba.
ALBA
Oh, no, Toby’s not mine… he just shows up every few weeks.
HOLLY
Aw, he likes you! Look, he wants tummy rubs.
ALBA
(softening)
He’s all right.
(fondly)
Oh, Toby.
HOLLY
He’s got such a funny build, though. Like a walrus terrier or a… Alba, he couldn’t be a werewolf, could he?
ALBA
He’s not a werewolf. It’s broad daylight, in case you hadn’t noticed. Although, come to think of it, I’ve never seen him during the day before…
MAGNUS
Guys? Little help with this dragon? He’s trying to eat my hea—
(suddenly muffled)
Mmphh!
HOLLY
I guess we should see to Langley, huh?
ALBA
I suppose we should.
HOLLY
I take it the duckweed pollen is for a shrinking spell?
ALBA
Exactly. I need you to fly up there and sprinkle the pollen on the dragon’s back. Then tap him three times with this glass wand and say “Non est parvum vos sentio”.
HOLLY
“Non est parvum vos sentio.”
(taking off)
Got it!
SOUND: Wings, continued throughout
HOLLY (CONT’D)
Hi Langley. It’s just me! Hold still now…
MAGNUS
Mmmph!
SOUND: Glittery magic, then three little tink! noises
HOLLY
Non est parvum vos sentio!
SOUND: Rubbery, stretchy noises, a squelchy pop
MAGNUS
(gasping for breath)
Aghh! N‑nice dragon… friends now?
SOUND: Langley bellows, but the sound shrinks to a tiny squeak
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Whoa, whoa! Holly, what did you do?!
(sliding)
Agh! I can’t get a grip on the roof!
HOLLY
I gotcha, I gotcha!
MAGNUS
Aaaaaa!
SOUND: Slipping and sliding, then a crash of branches and roof tiles
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Oww! I thought you said “I gotcha!”
HOLLY
(fawning)
Poor little Langley. Was it scary up there?
SOUND: Tiny langley bellow
SOUND: Holly lands
ALBA
Thank goodness that worked.
MAGNUS
I’m falling to my death and who does she rescue?
HOLLY
He’s hungry and scared, and besides, you had the shrubbery to break your fall.
MAGNUS
I hate you all. Have I mentioned?
COUNTESS
(waking up)
What… what happened?
ALBA
Your Ladyship! Are you all right?
COUNTESS
You. What am I doing at the House of Healing?
ALBA
(with exaggerated sympathy)
You passed out.
COUNTESS
There was a horrible thing… it tried to eat me…
ALBA
It sounds terrible. You must have been having a nightmare.
COUNTESS
Yes, that’s it… just a nightmare…
JEROME
(happy)
Rowr ruff woof!
COUNTESS
(screams)
Get it away! Help! Help! Guards! Someone!
(recedes into the distance)
SOUND: Footsteps
ALBA
(calling)
Good boy, Toby! Remind me to give him a biscuit.
MAGNUS
That figures.
ALBA
Fine. I’ll give you a biscuit too.
SOUND: Tiny bellow
HOLLY
I should get this little guy down to the seaside before he gets big again.
ALBA
Yes, do you mind? Take him up north of the Cape, if you have time.
SOUND: Wings
HOLLY
(zooming off)
C’mon, Langley! Let’s hit the beach!
MAGNUS
So! That turned out okay.
ALBA
Magnus.
MAGNUS
Yes Ma’am.
ALBA
How exactly did that leech manage to come into contact with drake’s jelly?
MAGNUS
It was the bird’s fault! I guess she didn’t like me for some reason, and she gave me this bottle of…
ALBA
This is my bottle. From my pantry.
MAGNUS
Yeah! She must have got in through the window. Which Holly still hasn’t fixed.
ALBA
A bird stole it. Is that the best you can come up with?
MAGNUS
Honest! I’d never heard of the stuff. The bird said it would make them multiply…
ALBA
(relenting just a little)
You lived at the Dragon Mountain monastery and you never knew where dragons come from?
MAGNUS
I guess no one sat me down and had that little talk. It’s not like it comes up a lot in day to day medicine, is it?
ALBA
I suppose not.
(calling)
Toby! Hm. Where’d he go?
(sighs)
Oh well. He never stays for long. It’s as if there’s a voice, calling him on, down the road…
JEROME
(groggy)
Ohhh. Where am I?
ALBA
Jerome, what are you doing out here? You need to rest. And for heaven’s sake, put some clothes on.
JEROME
Okay.
SOUND: Footsteps recede
ALBA
(leaving)
Look, you’re ruining the dressings we put on you.
JEROME
(following)
Sorry, Alba.
ALBA
(over her shoulder)
Magnus, clean up all those roof tiles.
MAGNUS
(sighs)
Fine…
SOUND: Door opens and shuts
SOUND: Shoveling debris
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
I think I broke another bone.
RABBIT
Ahem.
MAGNUS
What? Who’s there?
RABBIT
Let the tiles lay where they fell—except for one, and smash it well!
MAGNUS
Oh, no you don’t! I’m not taking any bogus household hints from a rabbit! Beat it! Heeyah! Hoowah!
SOUND: Shovel whirling and clanking; something smashes
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
(cringing)
Ohgods!
ALBA
(from inside)
Magnus!
MAGNUS
Sorry!
MUSIC: CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ANNOUNCER
In “Birds and Beasts”, Episode Two of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
and Olivia Jon as Holly
with
Elaine O’Neal as Countess Carnelia
Robert Frances as Jerome and the Squirrel
Jasmin Cheng as the Bird
and Clive E Milne as the Rabbit.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.
Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.