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S1 E2: Birds and Beasts

While Alba tends to her two least favourite patients, Magnus receives some advice from the local wildlife.

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Episode Transcript

EXT. GARDEN, DAWN

SOUND: Morning birds

SOUND: Knocking at wooden door

ALBA

Magnus. Time to get up.

MAGNUS

(muffled)

Okay, okay. Hold your horses, jeez.

SOUND: Door opens, clattering of tools

MAGNUS

(emerging)

Hey, it’s dark out, Alba. Why did you wake me up in the middle of the night?

ALBA

It’s practically dawn.

MAGNUS

Practically, but not actually dawn. Therefore, night.

ALBA

Here. Take this bottle. I need you to collect the dewdrops from the grass.

MAGNUS

What for?

ALBA

A lot of spells call for moondrops—dewdrops collected the night of a full moon.

MAGNUS

But that means bending over. I’m still wounded, you know.

ALBA

You’re fine. It’s time for you to start earning your keep.

(leaving)

Now get to it, before the sun comes up and they burn off.

MAGNUS

(calling after her)

This is inhumane treatment, you know.

(sighs)

SOUND: Soft rustling of grass

MAGNUS

(muttering)

Come on. Dammit, this thing’s too small. She could at least give me a jar or a funnel or something.

BIRD

I offer thee a tiny clue.

MAGNUS

What? Who’s there? Whoa… was that you?

BIRD

I offer thee a tiny clue to catch the precious morning dew.

MAGNUS

You’re a bird.

SOUND: Bird twitter

MAGNUS

It must be the sleep deprivation. I need coffee.

BIRD

Sing a song to every drop.

MAGNUS

Excuse me?

BIRD

Into the bottle it will pop.

MAGNUS

You’re not serious.

BIRD

Sing a song to every drop.

MAGNUS

I am not singing a song to a bunch of dewdrops.

(fussing)

I already look like enough of a loser trying to catch dewdrops in a tiny… dammit…

BIRD

Sing a song.

MAGNUS

I’m not singing! Go away! Do I tell you how to do your job?

BIRD

Sing a song to every drop.

MAGNUS

(giving chase)

Scram! Beat it! Go catch a worm or something. Hee‐yah!

SOUND: Shovel picked up and thrown

BIRD

(running away)

Into the bottle it will pop!

MAGNUS

Go ahead. One more rhyme and I’ll show you my advanced shovel technique.

SOUND: Annoyed twittering

MAGNUS

Yeah, same to you!

(yawns)

All right. Dewdrops…

SOUND: Holly’s wings, approaching

HOLLY

(flying in, sleepy and spacey)

Good morning!

MAGNUS

Wrong on both counts.

HOLLY

Oh, Magnus. It’s a beautiful morning. And last night!

(sighs happily)

I flew to the stone circle in the Golden Glade with eleven other fairies. We did a dance to the full moon, and tried this amazing wine I made from star‐berries…

MAGNUS

Well, aren’t you just special.

HOLLY

Aw. Why are you such a grumpy goose?

MAGNUS

Let’s see… I’m forced into hard labour despite my life‐threatening injuries. And at night I have to sleep in the toolshed. But no, wait, I’m not allowed to sleep because it’s four A.M. and time to gather dewdrops in a thimble.

HOLLY

Oh, moondrops. Of course! Are you singing to them?

MAGNUS

Holly… don’t you start, too. Some bird’s already been trying to tell me how to do it.

HOLLY

You should always listen to the birds and animals. They’re your friends!

MAGNUS

My friends have bigger vocabularies.

HOLLY

So. The dewdrops in Alba’s garden usually like the key of B flat major. It all depends on the type of grass. Watch.

(sings)

Come, spring from your leaves, each glimmering bead…

SOUND: Tiny drip

HOLLY

See?

MAGNUS

Holly, I am not singing to Alba’s front lawn.

HOLLY

It’s easy.

MAGNUS

Well, you do it, then.

WALLA: PANICKY VOICES, HUSHED, MIDDLE DISTANCE

SOUND: Urgent door‐knocking

HOLLY

(takes a breath and resumes singing)

Each glimmering…

(stops abruptly)

Oh my gosh. They’re bringing someone in.

MAGNUS

Oh. Yeah… looks like an emergency case. We better go see.

HOLLY

You should stay and get the dewdrops before they’re gone.

MAGNUS

Hey… why don’t I go, and you get the dewdrops?

HOLLY

(calling)

Remember, B‐flat!

SOUND: Holly flies off

MAGNUS

Yeah, like I know from B‐flat. Well, thanks a million.

(pause; then sings, badly and trying not to be heard)

Spring from your leaves… every glimmering bead…

(sighs)

I hate my life.

> MUSIC: OPENING THEME

HERALD

By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Second: The Labours of Magnus.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

ALBA

Holly. There you are.

HOLLY

(arriving)

Hi Alba! Sorry I’m late.

ALBA

I need the Silver Star ointment, the Quick‐Knit compresses and a pair of pliers.

HOLLY

You got it.

SOUND: Pantry door

ALBA

(announcing)

Patient is male, mid‐forties, with a deep puncture to the right leg and probable concussion.

HOLLY

(returning)

Wait, I know him… that’s Jerome! The guy who was in here the other day for his gout, right?

ALBA

And the day before that for a cold, and the day before that…

HOLLY

And now he’s got an arrow in his leg? Talk about unlucky!

ALBA

You have to wonder.

HOLLY

What happened?

ALBA

Just before sunrise, his son heard a commotion in the henhouse, thought it was a wolf and shot him in the leg with a crossbow. Jerome tried to run, tripped over a blue bantam rooster and cracked his head on a stone.

HOLLY

Wow… he got a goose egg from a chicken?

ALBA

Fell right on his wounded leg too. Luckily he hasn’t lost too much blood, but we’ll have to be careful not to damage the femoral artery…

MAGNUS

(entering)

What’s up. Whoa, did he take a crossbow bolt to the leg? That’s heavy duty. Can I help take it out?

ALBA

I’d rather keep my patient, thanks. Holly, I need seven drops of the ointment, all around where the arrow went in.

HOLLY

Sure thing.

MAGNUS

Isn’t that the Jerome guy you always complain about?

ALBA

The very one.

MAGNUS

Well, hey, now’s your moment!

ALBA

My moment to what?

MAGNUS

You know… off him.

HOLLY

Magnus!

ALBA

I didn’t off you.

MAGNUS

Well, clearly you knew a good thing when you saw it.

ALBA

We all make mistakes.

SOUND: Clinking of eyedropper in bottle

MAGNUS

I can do that. I can clean out the wound if you want.

JEROME

(howls in pain, though still asleep)

HOLLY

Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, Jerome!

MAGNUS

See, she’s doing it wrong.

ALBA

No, no, I think he’s having a reaction to something the ointment.

MAGNUS

Maybe he objects to being treated by a fairy.

HOLLY

Maybe he objects to the presence of a nasty human.

MAGNUS

Holly, you shouldn’t talk about Alba like that.

ALBA

That’s very odd. Couldn’t be the silver, could it?

HOLLY

I’ll make up a Sanitas tincture. That should disinfect without causing a reaction.

ALBA

No, it won’t be as effective.

MAGNUS

Yeah, Holly.

HOLLY

It is so effective!

ALBA

Hand me the amulet hanging on the door. Second hook.

SOUND: Fine chain jingles

MAGNUS

This one?

ALBA

Thanks.

MAGNUS

(laying it on thick)

You’re welcome, Alba.

ALBA

Munda me. Clarifica me, Clara. (MOON‐da MAY. cla‐REEF‐ica MAY)

SOUND: Whispery magic flourish

HOLLY

(quietly, a mantra)

I’m a good fairy and I help people. I’m a good fairy and I… Ooh, pretty!

ALBA

Right, let’s get that arrow out. Holly, get ready to apply pressure on the wound.

HOLLY

Sure thing.

MAGNUS

I know this technique that we learned back at the monastery where you can melt wood. I bet that would work.

ALBA

I need you to stay out of the way, Magnus.

MAGNUS

I totally studied this! My mind has power over wood!

SOUND: Big jug picked up

ALBA

You want something to do? Here. Go up the road to the royal stables and gather up the saltpeter from under the manure pile.

MAGNUS

What?

ALBA

Saltpeter. It leaches out of the manure as it ages.

MAGNUS

I know where it comes from. But why me? Why can’t Holly do it?

ALBA

I need her help in here.

MAGNUS

I can do surgery!

ALBA

Magnus.

MAGNUS

(getting whiny)

C’mon. Why do you think they call it saltpeter? It causes… wiltage.

HOLLY

Wiltage?

MAGNUS

Wiltage of the…

(uncomfortable)

the peter.

ALBA

You aren’t going to eat any, are you?

HOLLY

And anyway, why does that matter if you’re a monk? I thought you had power over wood.

MAGNUS

It saps the essential masculine energy that I need to perform amazing feats of martial arts.

ALBA

That works out nicely then. Get out there and shovel.

MAGNUS

(leaving)

Hmph. This is why my prior warned me not to consort with women!

SOUND: Door opens, shuts

ALBA

(calling)

You should have listened to him.

(to Holly)

Now then. Bend the leg towards me, please, and hold the bandage there.

JEROME

(whimpers foggily in his sleep)

HOLLY

Okay. Hang in there, Jerome…

ALBA

Maybe Magnus was right. If I didn’t have this dope coming to me every day for his nonexistent problems, I could have so much time back…

HOLLY

Alba, that’s an awful thing to say.

ALBA

Having second thoughts about doing good deeds for an evil witch?

HOLLY

You aren’t evil, you just need someone to help. And keep an eye on you.

INT. STABLES, MORNING

SOUND: Morning birds, distant horse snorts and whinnies

SOUND: Scraping of pitchfork

SOUND: Squirrel chitter

MAGNUS

Damn witches and fairies. Trying to keep a good man down. Gods, it stinks out here!

SQUIRREL

Dance a turn with yonder broom.

MAGNUS

What? Oh. Great, now it’s squirrels giving me advice.

SQUIRREL

Dance a turn with yonder broom. Thy labours will be over soon.

MAGNUS

Bite me. I’m not dancing. My manhood’s already suffering enough damage.

SQUIRREL

Dance a turn with yonder broom.

MAGNUS

Go away! Git! Damn rodent! Hya!

SOUND: Pitchfork whooshing and clanging, angry chittering

SQUIRREL

Dance a turn with yonder broom!

MAGNUS

Beady‐eyed little freak! Take that! Hai! Hoo!

(toppling over)

Whoaaaa!

SOUND: Heavy squelch; pitchfork clatters to the ground

MAGNUS

Augh! Crap.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

JEROME

Ughh…

ALBA

That should do it, I think.

HOLLY

Alba, I think he’s coming round.

JEROME

(sleepily)

Oh dear. Oh, ouch, ouch, what’s wrong with my…

HOLLY

Easy there, Jerome… you bumped your head.

JEROME

What’s going on?

HOLLY

You’re at the House of Healing. Easy now. Try not to move that leg either.

JEROME

My leg?

ALBA

Do you remember being shot with a crossbow?

JEROME

No… I just remember… the moon, and… chickens everywhere…

ALBA

Quit moving around, Jerome.

JEROME

I know you…

ALBA

Yes. Sadly.

JEROME

Al… Alba? I remember you, you’re nice.

HOLLY

He’s delirious. Jerome? How many fingers am I holding up?

JEROME

Chickens… tasty chickens…

SOUND: Door opens and shuts; squishy footsteps approach

HOLLY

Jerome?

ALBA

I definitely like him better concussed. Ugh, where’s that smell coming from?

(sternly)

Jerome?

JEROME

Wuh?

HOLLY

Magnus! What happened?

MAGNUS

(arriving)

Everybody just shut up.

ALBA

Magnus, what…?

(Sighs)

Please stop tracking manure everywhere. Why don’t you wash up outside?

MAGNUS

Your neighbourhood is full of smug, smartass woodland creatures and they all hate me.

JEROME

(a groan, almost dog‐like)

HOLLY

Jerome, you really have to relax. Alba, I’m going to make up a Samstrong’s potion for Jerome.

ALBA

Did Magnus get enough moondrops?

SOUND: A desk bell rings

MAGNUS

Hey, someone’s at the counter!

COUNTESS

(from the other room, cheerful)

Hello! Excuse me!

ALBA

Oh, drat, I forgot. Countess Carnelia has an appointment this morning. If it’s not one thing, it’s eighteen hundred other things…

COUNTESS

I say. Hellooo!

HOLLY

She sounds nice.

SOUND: Rummaging with jars

ALBA

Ridiculous woman. Of course, she is a friend of Parabel’s. Won’t take any medicine I give her, unless it’s leeches… Dammit. Magnus!

MAGNUS

Now what?

ALBA

We’re fresh out of leeches. I need you to gather another jug of them from the pond out back.

MAGNUS

Yup, that’s why I studied surgery at the Monastery, so I could shovel crap and fetch leeches.

ALBA

Magnus.

MAGNUS

Fine, how do I catch them?

ALBA

Easy. You go to the pond, roll up your trousers and wade in.

MAGNUS

Oh, that sounds like fun.

ALBA

Or I could get a pair of scissors and we can study surgery on your liver.

JEROME

(dreamily)

Liver…

MAGNUS

Okay, okay.

SOUND: Jug hefted, then footsteps

ALBA

(calling after him)

And make sure to pry the leeches off. Never squeeze them.

MAGNUS

Whatever!

SOUND: Door slams

INT. RECEPTION, CONTINUOUS

SOUND: Desk bell

COUNTESS

Hellooo!

ALBA

(entering)

Your Ladyship.

COUNTESS

Miss Salix! Good morning.

ALBA

Sorry to keep you waiting. How have you been?

COUNTESS

Oh, busy, busy, you know how it is, the life of a patron and philanthropist…

ALBA

Of course! That reminds me… the Queen suggested you might be inclined to make a small donation to the House of Healing?

COUNTESS

(uncomfortable)

Yes, well. I’ll have to talk it over with my bookkeeper. I’m… reorganizing my giving portfolio, you see. And I’ve been so dreadfully busy of late…

ALBA

All those salons and parties must have you positively exhausted.

COUNTESS

Oh, you have no idea. It’s been taking a terrible toll, Miss Salix—my health has been in tatters. Just look! My hands are swollen again and my face is red as a beet…

ALBA

Your hands look fine to me.

COUNTESS

Oh, no, no. They may look fine but my hand specialist always told me I’m at great risk of fatsoplasia.

ALBA

You don’t say.

COUNTESS

And my ear, nose and toenail specialist is warning me I have too much blood in my bloodstream. Look how red I am!

ALBA

Your Ladyship, you’re about as red as an albino snowman who’s seen a ghost.

COUNTESS

But that’s only the outward aspect. A healer such as yourself should know the difference between mere appearances and true inner redness.

ALBA

Yes, of course.

COUNTESS

I need more leeches—I think the ones you gave me are too full.

ALBA

My assistant is just fetching you some now. Did you drink the tincture I gave you?

COUNTESS

Eugh. That stinking, undrinkable pink tincture?

ALBA

I really think you should drink that tincture.

COUNTESS

I tried, but I simply couldn’t.

ALBA

You’ll let leeches stick themselves to you, but you won’t take a simple herbal—

COUNTESS

Miss Salix, isn’t there anything you can do?

ALBA

(under her breath)

I could stitch your mouth shut for a start.

INT. OPERATING ROOM

JEROME

Uhhhh…

HOLLY

Hey there, Jerome. I just need you to drink this.

JEROME

What’s that?

HOLLY

It’s a Samstrong’s Healing Extreme potion. Made with fresh dewdrops, so it’s got all the healing power of the full moon.

JEROME

The moon? I like the moooon.

(drinks)

HOLLY

I know, me too!

(leaving)

Just take it easy and I’ll be back in a few minutes.

JEROME

I like the mooooon…

(it starts to turn into a howl)

EXT. LEECH POND, DAY

SOUND: Songbirds, ducks

SOUND: Water sloshes

MAGNUS

(to himself, near panic)

Oh, jeez dangit heck I should have stayed at the monastery. Okay. Pry it off, don’t squeeze. Pry it off, don’t squeeze. Urrghghhh!

SOUND: Tiny pop and splash

MAGNUS

Urgh… that’s one. Wait, that’s it? One leech? C’mon… please don’t make me wade back in there…

(pause, then calls)

Okay, guys, I’m ready. I’ll dance or sing or whatever as long as I don’t have to go back in the leech pond. Guys? People of the animal kingdom? Figures. They’re never there when you need them…

(muttering, under the following)

Living on nuts and berries. I know they’re laughing at us.

SOUND: Fluttering wings arrive

BIRD

(whispering)

This oughta fix him.

SQUIRREL

(whispering)

What’s in the vial?

BIRD

(whispering)

Stole it from the witch’s pantry. You’ll see.

(clears throat)

Greetings, human child.

MAGNUS

Oh, hey, Mister Bird. Sorry about earlier.

BIRD

Think nothing of it.

MAGNUS

Um, any tips on collecting leeches? So far I got a total of one.

BIRD

One is all you need. Leeches just need the right food, you see.

MAGNUS

I am not letting them feed on me, thank you very much.

BIRD

No need for blood. I got something a thousand times more powerful.

MAGNUS

Aren’t you supposed to talk in rhyme?

BIRD

Sometimes you gotta improvise. Break loose. De‐versify, you might say. Here, take this vial.

MAGNUS

(reading)

“Drake’s Jelly”. What’s drake’s jelly?

SQUIRREL

(delighted)

Nooo. You didn’t!

BIRD

(aside)

Zip it, squirrel. You trying to blow this?

(to Magnus)

It’s a growth formula—a multiplication factor.

MAGNUS

It makes leeches multiply?

BIRD

(evasive)

Something like that.

SOUND: Tiny clink

MAGNUS

Okay. As long as there’s no dancing. How do you know all this stuff, anyway?

BIRD

You learn a lot when you hang around a witch’s house.

MAGNUS

Hey, he likes it! He’s actually going for it.

BIRD

Welp, gotta fly! Nests to build, songs to sing…

MAGNUS

He’s getting bigger. Cool. Do they divide in half, like amoebas, and camels?

BIRD

Later, human!

MAGNUS

(distracted)

Right! Thanks for the tip.

SOUND: Fizzing

MAGNUS

Wow, he’s really growing fast.

SOUND: Splashing

SOUND: Tiny, rasping screech

MAGNUS

Holy crap. Bird! What is this stuff?! What did you do?

SOUND: Screech, slightly bigger

SOUND: Jug being stoppered

MAGNUS

Oh gods. Goodbye, liver. I’ll miss you.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

COUNTESS

I want a test for fatsoplasia.

ALBA

But that’s not what you have, your Ladyship.

COUNTESS

I know what I have! On account of being the one who has it!

ALBA

You’re showing none of the symptoms.

HOLLY

(entering)

Jerome’s had his potion, Alba.

ALBA

Thanks Holly. Can you go check on Magnus?

HOLLY

Will do.

COUNTESS

My colour specialist was telling me I should be taking moosemint leaf.

ALBA

(skeptical)

I suppose that wouldn’t hurt…

COUNTESS

Would you please provide me with some, in that case?

ALBA

Why are you coming to see me if you have all these specialists?

COUNTESS

(caught)

Well… you are the Royal Physician, appointed by the King himself.

ALBA

So, nothing to do with the fact that treatment at the House of Healing is paid for by the King himself.

COUNTESS

I don’t know what you’re insinuating.

ALBA

I’m sure you don’t.

COUNTESS

Do you have any moosemint?

ALBA

No. None.

COUNTESS

Well, so much for nationalized medicine.

ALBA

Do you actually pay any taxes?

COUNTESS

Where are my leeches?

EXT. GARDEN

MAGNUS

(chummy)

Hey, Holly…

HOLLY

Hi Magnus! How did you do with the leeches?

MAGNUS

Good, good. Say, this is just a hypothetical question…

HOLLY

Yes?

MAGNUS

If you were going to shrink something, like with magic, how would you do it?

HOLLY

Is this about the saltpeter?

MAGNUS

No, it’s about the lee… it’s about learning basic magic concepts, which I’m trying to do, as an apprentice.

HOLLY

Magnus. You know fibbing causes acne.

MAGNUS

Not fibbing!

HOLLY

What did you do? Is it the leeches?

MAGNUS

No.

SOUND: Leech screech, muffled

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

Maybe.

HOLLY

What did you do?

MAGNUS

It wasn’t me! It was your friend the bird! Honest!

HOLLY

Let me see that jug.

MAGNUS

No! Don’t open it!

SOUND: Big stopper pulled, and a burbling screech, louder and deeper

HOLLY

Yeow!

MAGNUS

Put the lid back on! Put it on!

SOUND: Burbling; stopper wrestled back in

HOLLY

(breathless)

Magnus! What did you do?

MAGNUS

It was the bird! He told me to feed them drake’s jelly!

SOUND: Muffled screech

HOLLY

What? You know what drake’s jelly is, don’t you?

MAGNUS

It’s this green stuff that comes in a tiny bottle…

HOLLY

It’s where baby dragons come from.

MAGNUS

What?!

HOLLY

Worms and leeches are the larval stage.

MAGNUS

For dragons.

HOLLY

Yes! Earthworms turn into hill dragons, leeches turn into water dragons, nematodes turn into vinegar dragons… But they don’t do that unless they eat drake’s jelly.

MAGNUS

And where does that come from?

HOLLY

From dragons, silly. It comes out of these glands they have under their—

SOUND: Screech

MAGNUS

That’s a real dragon in there?

HOLLY

Yeah. Gosh, he had big jaws.

MAGNUS

All the better to eat us with.

SOUND: Distant door slam, and businesslike footsteps

HOLLY

Uh oh.

ALBA

(approaching)

Magnus, what’s taking so long?

MAGNUS

(freaked)

Hi Alba!

ALBA

Please tell me you’ve managed to catch some leeches.

MAGNUS

I, uh… why, yes, as a matter of fact, they’re right here. Uh, you don’t have to open it though! I was just thinking maybe there weren’t enough of them. I thought I’d go back for some more.

HOLLY

Magnus has something to tell you, don’t you, Magnus?

MAGNUS

Well. I. That is…

ALBA

Yes?

SOUND: Door again, and running footsteps

COUNTESS

(a distant scream, then, approaching)

Help! Mad dog! Horrible, filthy beast! Help!

JEROME

(close behind, barking happily)

Whoof? Rarf! Woof!

(pants)

ALBA

Toby! What are you doing here?

COUNTESS

Get this thing away! It’s sniffing me!

ALBA

Off. Toby, get off the Countess. Sorry, Your Ladyship. That’s just Toby. He sort of… turns up every once in a while.

JEROME

Urrf!

COUNTESS

Horrible creature! It’s probably full of diseases…

ALBA

He’s fine. Toby, off. Scram.

JEROME

(whines)

SOUND: Dog footsteps recede

COUNTESS

You can be sure I won’t be donating any money to this place.

ALBA

Oh well.

COUNTESS

Is that my jug of leeches?

MAGNUS

Well, you see, it’s, uh, not a very nice jug, and I thought—

ALBA

Just give the Countess her damned leeches and she’ll be on her way.

HOLLY

(worried)

Um… Alba, that’s not a good idea…

COUNTESS

Give me that jug!

SOUND: Jug snatched, water sloshes

COUNTESS (CONT’D)

Honestly.

ALBA

(hurrying things along)

There you are. So lovely to see you again, your Ladyship.

COUNTESS

Not so fast. You’d better not be trying to cheat me.

SOUND: Squeaking of stopper

MAGNUS

No!

HOLLY

Don’t open it! Magnus, tell them.

MAGNUS

Honest! There’s lots in that jug. I counted twice.

COUNTESS

(straining with the stopper)

I’m supposed to believe you, you unsanitary little man?

MAGNUS

And it’s a very tricky stopper and you won’t be able to get it back in.

ALBA

Yes! You’ve got your leeches, now have a lovely day and hope you feel better soon.

COUNTESS

What are you all trying to hide?

MAGNUS

Nothing! But the leeches are… very sensitive to light.

COUNTESS

(straining again)

For heaven’s sake.

HOLLY

(unable to contain herself)

Countess, you can’t have that jug! There’s a giant dragon in there!

Silence.

MAGNUS

(weakly)

Heh!

ALBA

Holly, what’s gotten into you?

COUNTESS

I’ve never heard such rubbish in my life.

MAGNUS

Yeah, Holly. What rubbish.

(suddenly urgent)

But no, seriously, Countess! I’d wait until you get home to…

SOUND: Pung! the lid pops. a huge screech, slithering

COUNTESS

(screams)

SOUND: Jug smashes on the ground, water splatters. burbly screech

MAGNUS

…open it.

ALBA

Magnus!

MAGNUS

It’s not my fault!

ALBA

That’s a water dragon.

HOLLY

Ohh! He’s beautiful!

ALBA

What have you done now?

MAGNUS

I deny everything!

SOUND: Screech

ALBA

Get back!

HOLLY

He’s already so much bigger. Who’s a good little dragon?

SOUND: Screech and snap of jaws, slithering, and heavy snorting breathing

(continues under)

COUNTESS

Help! We’re cornered! It’s going to eat us!

ALBA

(calmly)

Mister Dragon.

HOLLY

I’m gonna call him… Langley.

ALBA

I’m guessing you’re too young to understand what I’m saying, but we’re not going to hurt you. We’re just going to edge along this wall toward the back door if that’s all right.

SOUND: Warning screech

COUNTESS

(screams)

MAGNUS

That’s pretty much a no.

ALBA

So much for diplomacy.

MAGNUS

I bet I could take him. Want me to subdue him?

HOLLY

Magnus, you be nice to Langley.

ALBA

He’s agitated enough as it is.

SOUND: Hiss!

COUNTESS

Get it away from me! Kill it!

ALBA

Your Ladyship, please pull yourself together.

COUNTESS

Do something!

HOLLY

You’re both scaring him. There, there, little guy…

SOUND: Snarl

COUNTESS

No! Get it away!

ALBA

For heaven’s sake. Aurei somni oculos implebunt.

(AW‐ree SOM‐nee OC‐you‐los im‐PLAY‐bunt)

SOUND: Magic noise, fizzles

MAGNUS

(after a moment)

What did that do?

SOUND: Dragon hiss

ALBA

I guess that sleeping spell doesn’t work on dragons.

COUNTESS

(sleepy)

Get… away… thing… breathing on me…

(snores)

SOUND: Body falls to the ground

ALBA

Works on countesses, at least.

SOUND: Quieter bellow, snuffling

ALBA (CONT’D)

Now you listen, dragon. That’s the Countess Carnelia. She’s my patient and the Queen’s best friend… so you’d better eat all of her. I don’t want any evidence.

HOLLY

Alba! Come on, Langley. Let’s get you down to the seaside where you can get something proper to eat—

SOUND: Louder bellow and snap of teeth

HOLLY (CONT’D)

Eeek! Langley, be nice!

MAGNUS

If only I had some kind of weapon.

ALBA

Magnus, leave it. And Holly, quit trying to pet him. Listen, you’re the only one who can fly. I need you to—

SOUND: Dog running

JEROME

(angry)

Woof! Woof woof rarf ruff woof!

ALBA

Toby! Be careful!

MAGNUS

That is one weird looking dog.

SOUND: Dragon screech

ALBA

Holly, now! While he’s distracted—get inside. Get me the glass wand and the duckweed pollen.

HOLLY

Duckweed pollen? Ohh… of course! That’s a great idea.

ALBA

Go! Now!

HOLLY

Okay!

SOUND: Holly’s wings, zooming off

SOUND: Screech

JEROME

Woof! Whuff! Rarf!

MAGNUS

Yup, lead him on, just a little further… that’s it… don’t mind me…

ALBA

Magnus, what are you doing?

SOUND: Shovel clank

MAGNUS

Ha ha! Hyah! Get back, foul fiend! I have the power of Shovel!

ALBA

That’s not helping.

SOUND: Screech, cut short by the plang! of a shovel connecting, then a confused, groggy bellow and MORE THRASHING

ALBA (CONT’D)

Magnus!

MAGNUS

Yeah! Snicker‐snack, baby! Ya like that?

(jerked off his feet)

Hwaaaugh!

SOUND: Dragon bellow, and the shovel falls to the ground. then, scrambling and scraping

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

(dragged off into the distance)

Craaap! Help! Alba!

JEROME

Whurrf?

ALBA

Good boy, Toby. You saved us all from being eaten.

JEROME

(proudly)

Ruff!

(pants)

MAGNUS

Help! Nice dragon…

(being squeezed)

Oooof!

ALBA

Well, close enough.

SOUND: Holly’s wings, approaching

HOLLY

Wow. They grow up so fast, don’t they? He’s been a dragon for fifteen minutes and he can already climb a wall while carrying a gangly human boy.

ALBA

I just had that roof replaced, too.

MAGNUS

Alba! He’s drooling on me! Help?

JEROME

Rurf?

HOLLY

I didn’t know you had a dog, Alba.

ALBA

Oh, no, Toby’s not mine… he just shows up every few weeks.

HOLLY

Aw, he likes you! Look, he wants tummy rubs.

ALBA

(softening)

He’s all right.

(fondly)

Oh, Toby.

HOLLY

He’s got such a funny build, though. Like a walrus terrier or a… Alba, he couldn’t be a werewolf, could he?

ALBA

He’s not a werewolf. It’s broad daylight, in case you hadn’t noticed. Although, come to think of it, I’ve never seen him during the day before…

MAGNUS

Guys? Little help with this dragon? He’s trying to eat my hea—

(suddenly muffled)

Mmphh!

HOLLY

I guess we should see to Langley, huh?

ALBA

I suppose we should.

HOLLY

I take it the duckweed pollen is for a shrinking spell?

ALBA

Exactly. I need you to fly up there and sprinkle the pollen on the dragon’s back. Then tap him three times with this glass wand and say “Non est parvum vos sentio”.

HOLLY

“Non est parvum vos sentio.”

(taking off)

Got it!

SOUND: Wings, continued throughout

HOLLY (CONT’D)

Hi Langley. It’s just me! Hold still now…

MAGNUS

Mmmph!

SOUND: Glittery magic, then three little tink! noises

HOLLY

Non est parvum vos sentio!

SOUND: Rubbery, stretchy noises, a squelchy pop

MAGNUS

(gasping for breath)

Aghh! N‐nice dragon… friends now?

SOUND: Langley bellows, but the sound shrinks to a tiny squeak

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

Whoa, whoa! Holly, what did you do?!

(sliding)

Agh! I can’t get a grip on the roof!

HOLLY

I gotcha, I gotcha!

MAGNUS

Aaaaaa!

SOUND: Slipping and sliding, then a crash of branches and roof tiles

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

Oww! I thought you said “I gotcha!”

HOLLY

(fawning)

Poor little Langley. Was it scary up there?

SOUND: Tiny langley bellow

SOUND: Holly lands

ALBA

Thank goodness that worked.

MAGNUS

I’m falling to my death and who does she rescue?

HOLLY

He’s hungry and scared, and besides, you had the shrubbery to break your fall.

MAGNUS

I hate you all. Have I mentioned?

COUNTESS

(waking up)

What… what happened?

ALBA

Your Ladyship! Are you all right?

COUNTESS

You. What am I doing at the House of Healing?

ALBA

(with exaggerated sympathy)

You passed out.

COUNTESS

There was a horrible thing… it tried to eat me…

ALBA

It sounds terrible. You must have been having a nightmare.

COUNTESS

Yes, that’s it… just a nightmare…

JEROME

(happy)

Rowr ruff woof!

COUNTESS

(screams)

Get it away! Help! Help! Guards! Someone!

(recedes into the distance)

SOUND: Footsteps

ALBA

(calling)

Good boy, Toby! Remind me to give him a biscuit.

MAGNUS

That figures.

ALBA

Fine. I’ll give you a biscuit too.

SOUND: Tiny bellow

HOLLY

I should get this little guy down to the seaside before he gets big again.

ALBA

Yes, do you mind? Take him up north of the Cape, if you have time.

SOUND: Wings

HOLLY

(zooming off)

C’mon, Langley! Let’s hit the beach!

MAGNUS

So! That turned out okay.

ALBA

Magnus.

MAGNUS

Yes Ma’am.

ALBA

How exactly did that leech manage to come into contact with drake’s jelly?

MAGNUS

It was the bird’s fault! I guess she didn’t like me for some reason, and she gave me this bottle of…

ALBA

This is my bottle. From my pantry.

MAGNUS

Yeah! She must have got in through the window. Which Holly still hasn’t fixed.

ALBA

A bird stole it. Is that the best you can come up with?

MAGNUS

Honest! I’d never heard of the stuff. The bird said it would make them multiply…

ALBA

(relenting just a little)

You lived at the Dragon Mountain monastery and you never knew where dragons come from?

MAGNUS

I guess no one sat me down and had that little talk. It’s not like it comes up a lot in day to day medicine, is it?

ALBA

I suppose not.

(calling)

Toby! Hm. Where’d he go?

(sighs)

Oh well. He never stays for long. It’s as if there’s a voice, calling him on, down the road…

JEROME

(groggy)

Ohhh. Where am I?

ALBA

Jerome, what are you doing out here? You need to rest. And for heaven’s sake, put some clothes on.

JEROME

Okay.

SOUND: Footsteps recede

ALBA

(leaving)

Look, you’re ruining the dressings we put on you.

JEROME

(following)

Sorry, Alba.

ALBA

(over her shoulder)

Magnus, clean up all those roof tiles.

MAGNUS

(sighs)

Fine…

SOUND: Door opens and shuts

SOUND: Shoveling debris

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

I think I broke another bone.

RABBIT

Ahem.

MAGNUS

What? Who’s there?

RABBIT

Let the tiles lay where they fell—except for one, and smash it well!

MAGNUS

Oh, no you don’t! I’m not taking any bogus household hints from a rabbit! Beat it! Heeyah! Hoowah!

SOUND: Shovel whirling and clanking; something smashes

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

(cringing)

Ohgods!

ALBA

(from inside)

Magnus!

MAGNUS

Sorry!

> MUSIC: CLOSING THEME

CREDITS

ANNOUNCER

In “Birds and Beasts”, Episode Two of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:

Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix

Julian Sark as Magnus

and Olivia Jon as Holly

with

Elaine O’Neal as Countess Carnelia

John Palmieri as Jerome and the Squirrel

Jasmin Cheng as the Bird

and Clive E Milne as the Rabbit.

Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.

Engineered by John Palmieri.

Sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Produced by Sean Howard.

Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.

Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.