After the House of Healing’s herb garden is torn out by workmen bearing royal orders, Alba tries to get to the root of the matter while Holly and Magnus venture into the woods to gather more rare plants.
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Episode Transcript
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
MAGNUS
Liverwort, spleenwort, brainwort… uh…
HOLLY
(whispering)
Kidneywort.
MAGNUS
(whispering)
I was getting to that.
HOLLY
Just trying to help…
MAGNUS
(aloud)
Kidneywort and Left Pinky Finger-wort.
ALBA
Good. Name three natural anaesthetics.
MAGNUS
Nodding rose, napping violet and blunt trauma.
ALBA
Why do I bother?
MAGNUS
Fine, snoozeweed.
ALBA
Thank you. I suppose this apprenticeship might not be a complete waste.
MAGNUS
You know what would really be worthwhile, though, is if you taught me some magic.
SOUND: Distant clank and crash from outside
HOLLY
(alarmed)
Um, Alba… speaking of herbs… what’s happened to the garden?
ALBA
What? Oh! Who the hell is that? Gods, they’re tearing everything out!
(running out)
Hey! Get out of my garden!
EXT. GARDEN, CONTINUOUS
SOUND: Morning birds
SOUND: Shovels clanking, cracking of branches
SOUND: Door opens. shovels stop
ALBA
(running up)
Hey! Stop that this minute!
JAN
(furtive)
Oh gods, it’s her!
ALBA
Just what do you think you’re doing?
DOUGLAS
Um. Nothing.
JAN
Nothing, Ma’am.
BAILIFF
(approaching)
Excuse me, madam. Is there a problem?
ALBA
Bailiff Henry. What are your men doing destroying my herb garden?
BAILIFF
Merely enforcing the law, madam.
ALBA
I beg your pardon?
SOUND: Rustling paper
BAILIFF
(clears his throat)
“A Royal Decree on the Aesthetic Character of the Royal Lands, County Grandville…”
SOUND: Paper snatched
ALBA
Give me that.
(skimming it)
“All buildings within sight of the Palace to be painted in selected shades of pink…”
BAILIFF
It’s Sub-Section Eight.
ALBA
“Garden at the House of Healing to be torn out and replanted according to Palace standards!”
BAILIFF
There you are.
ALBA
I don’t believe this.
BAILIFF
All right, you men. Stop gawping and get back to it.
DOUGLAS
(scared)
Sir?
BAILIFF
What? What’s gotten into you two? You think she’s going to curse you or something?
JAN
(hushed)
I heard she was the one made Mickey Hutter’s ears fall off.
DOUGLAS
She made the birds peck old Mrs Angley to death.
BAILIFF
She never did that.
ALBA
Oh, didn’t I?
JAN
She’s the Queen’s sister! She’ll have us killed!
BAILIFF
(a little desperate)
Finish the job or it’s two days’ pay docked for both of you!
JAN
With respect, Sir, we wish to resign.
DOUGLAS
I cannot work today on account of I have a terrible cold.
BAILIFF
We have orders—
ALBA
Bailiff, I would be quite happy if your men were to cease work right now. And if they were, perhaps, to help salvage what they’ve torn up, I would be even happier. Otherwise, well… I won’t be responsible for their safety.
JAN
(beat)
Sir?
BAILIFF
I think perhaps we could come to some arrangement.
> MUSIC: OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Third: Into the Woeful Woods.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
SOUND: Simmering, and rustling leaves
HOLLY
You’re doing it wrong…
MAGNUS
I am not doing it wrong.
HOLLY
You’re supposed to put the nettles into the water after it starts boiling.
MAGNUS
No one asked you, fairy.
SOUND: Interior door and footsteps
HOLLY
You’re gonna waste an entire bag of leaves.
MAGNUS
Holly, I don’t need tea-making lessons from a hopped-up pixie.
HOLLY
(silent, then suddenly dangerous)
What did you call me.
MAGNUS
A clumsy, mushroom-addled pixie.
SOUND: Angry buzz of wings
HOLLY
Magnus. Don’t you ever call me a pixie.
MAGNUS
I just did. Twice.
(blurts)
Pixie. Oops! Three times.
HOLLY
Don’t associate my name with those people. My Mama and my Grandma fought their kind for years.
MAGNUS
I thought you fairies believed in peace and hugs and whiskers on gryphons.
HOLLY
Not when it comes to pixies! They eat cornflower husks! They bite their toenails!
MAGNUS
You “fought” them? What was it, a cider drinking contest?
SOUND: Holly zooms in and whacks magnus
MAGNUS
Ow! Dammit!
HOLLY
Take it back!
MAGNUS
Get away from me!
SOUND: Chaos: holly flying in circles while magnus swings at her with a broom. smashing and clattering
HOLLY
Take it back! Take it back!
MAGNUS
Pixie! Mushroom fiend!
ALBA
(entering)
What in Hades is going on?!
HOLLY
Take back what you said!
MAGNUS
I bet you kiss bumblebees!
HOLLY
Yeah, well you’re a mean, lazy, good for-nothing young human… youngster!
SOUND: An enormous crash.
HOLLY
Ow!
ALBA
Holly! Magnus!
SOUND: Deathly quiet except for an occasional tinkle of glass bits
ALBA
Well?
MAGNUS
She started it.
HOLLY
(winded)
I did not! He insulted my people!
MAGNUS
Just telling it like it is.
ALBA
Children!
HOLLY
Sorry.
MAGNUS
(simultaneously)
I’m not a…! Sorry.
ALBA
First the bailiff and his lackeys take out my garden, and now you two have wrecked half the pantry.
(sighs)
That was my last bottle of gossamer fern extract. And the doleful goatweed.
HOLLY
I’m sorry, Alba. We’ll replace them all.
ALBA
Yes, you will.
HOLLY
If I have to travel to the ends of the earth.
ALBA
There’s an idea. And take Magnus with you.
HOLLY
I shall atone for my… wait. Magnus? I’m not taking him!
SOUND: Scribbling
ALBA
Yes, you are. You are both going to go out and collect the ingredients on this list.
MAGNUS
Can’t we just go to an apothecary?
ALBA
On my budget?
MAGNUS
I see. The kingdom’s health care system is founded on slave labour.
ALBA
You noticed.
HOLLY
(reading)
Gossamer fern, chuckle briar… golden bellweed?
(worried)
Alba, that only grows in the green grove in the deepest depths of the Woeful Woods.
ALBA
Well, that should narrow down your search.
HOLLY
But those woods are all full of badgers and bears!
MAGNUS
I thought the animals were our friends? What—you scared of a widdle fuzzy badger?
HOLLY
We have… religious differences.
MAGNUS
Did they side with the pixies?
HOLLY
Alba, I can’t go to the Woeful Woods!
ALBA
Magnus will go with you and defend you.
HOLLY
Defend me? Forget badgers—he’s never even seen a tree.
MAGNUS
Can I bring a sword and everything?
EXT. WOODS
SOUND: Birdsong ambience
SOUND: Footsteps
MAGNUS
Let me see the list.
HOLLY
Why do you care? You couldn’t tell a mushroom from a mulberry bush.
MAGNUS
I want to know what plants we’re looking for.
HOLLY
You just stick to navigating, monkey boy.
MAGNUS
Say, why don’t you go fly up over the trees and see if we’re still heading in the right direc—oh, wait, you hurt your wing flying into the pantry door.
HOLLY
Okay, okay, let’s be nice. C’mon, we have to work together.
MAGNUS
So I hear.
HOLLY
(calming herself)
I’m a good fairy and I help people. I’m a good fairy and I help people.
(to Magnus)
What does your map say?
SOUND: Rustling paper
MAGNUS
Uh… we’re getting close to the turning.
MAP
(thin, accented voice)
In. Fifty Paces. Turn: Left. At: Babbling Brook.
HOLLY
Really? I don’t think I trust this GBH thing. Anything made by gnomes…
MAGNUS
It’s GPS.
HOLLY
Whatever.
MAGNUS
It stands for Gnomish Place Seeker.
HOLLY
It’s probably going to lead us into badger territory. Or bears… Hey look! Fairy cake!
MAGNUS
That’s a cake?
SOUND: Crinkling paper
HOLLY
Uh huh! See? It’s a magic cake we fairies make to sustain us on long journeys.
MAGNUS
What’s it doing lying in the grass?
HOLLY
Some nice fairies must have left it here. I wonder if it was anyone I know…
MAGNUS
Or some nice fairies got eaten by a giant spider and all that’s left is their cake.
HOLLY
Want some?
MAGNUS
I’ll pass, thanks.
HOLLY
(eating)
Mmm. You’re missing out.
MAGNUS
How is it magic?
HOLLY
One little piece like this is enough to keep you going all day. Well… that’s how it’s supposed to work. Mine never turns out. I mean, it tastes good but actually it kinda makes you a little bit hungrier…
MAP
In. One Hundred Paces. Turn: Left. At: Babbling Brook.
HOLLY
Okay, maybe a lot hungrier. But it’s sooo good.
MAGNUS
Can you see the brook yet?
MAP
Reckoning…
HOLLY
No. Shouldn’t we have heard it babbling by now?
MAP
Reckoning…
HOLLY
(slowly becoming more spacey)
Hee. “Babble.” What a great word. Babble, babble…
MAGNUS
Are we heading north?
HOLLY
Duh! Look at the moss on the trees.
MAGNUS
Uh… I’m looking. What about it?
HOLLY
The moss grows on the north side. Dummy.
MAGNUS
Is that true or are you just making up more weird fairy stuff? That’s really north?
HOLLY
Absolutely one hundred percent due north.
MAGNUS
Aw, c’mon, I just got this thing! It can’t be broken already.
HOLLY
Oh my gosh! More fairy cake!
(stops and scarfs it down)
Geez, this is my lucky day.
MAGNUS
Holly. How can you just eat random things you find on the ground?
HOLLY
Trust in the forest and it will provide.
MAGNUS
What if it’s poisoned? Or maybe it’s a trap. Left by pixies. Maybe pixies stole the recipe.
HOLLY
Pixies can’t cook.
MAP
In. Thirty. Paces. Turn: Right. At: Great. Granite Mountain.
MAGNUS
Okay, looking for a mountain.
HOLLY
Oh, sure. You don’t believe me about the moss, but you’ll listen to that piece of paper.
MAGNUS
It can’t be wrong. It’s got all the latest data.
HOLLY
Do you see any mountains?
MAGNUS
They could be hidden by the trees.
MAP
Warning. Warning. This map. Has been. Stolen.
HOLLY
You stole the map?
MAGNUS
What? Holly, I’m hurt that you would think such a thing.
MAP
This map. Has been. Stolen.
MAGNUS
Besides, they wanted a hundred and seventy crowns for i! For a piece of junk!
HOLLY
I bet you didn’t pay for that dagger, either.
MAGNUS
Don’t you talk that way about Bloodletter!
HOLLY
Ew.
MAP
This map. Has been. Stolen. And will now. Self-destruct.
SOUND: A bang and a fizzle, like a firecracker
MAGNUS
Ow! Well, that’s just great.
HOLLY
Ha. It serves you righ… Holy calendula! (ca-LEND-you-la) More fairy cake!
MAGNUS
No map, no compass and you can’t even fly.
HOLLY
(stuffing her face)
First of all, we don’t need a compass. Hello! Moss! And second of all…
(trails off)
Gosh, this is awesome cake…
MAGNUS
I bet you’re faking. I bet you can fly just fine.
HOLLY
If I could fly, believe me, I wouldn’t be here talking to you.
MAGNUS
Well, that’s a darn shame for both of us, then.
(beat)
Any other brilliant ideas? Can your special fairy senses detect jimson weed or whatever?
HOLLY
Watch it, buster. And second of all…
(smug)
I do know the way back.
MAGNUS
Oh? How?
HOLLY
I’ve been leaving a trail of markers behind us. That way, we can just retrace our steps.
MAGNUS
Really? That’s… kind of smart, actually. What are you leaving for markers?
HOLLY
That is the amazingly brilliant part. I’ve been leaving pieces of fairy cake. That way, one, I can travel lighter as we go, and two, we have something to eat on the way back!
A long pause.
HOLLY
(worried now)
Oh.
MAGNUS
Great.
HOLLY
Oh. Oh gosh. The cake we found…
MAGNUS
Uh huh.
HOLLY
All this time we must have been…
(trails off)
MAGNUS
Keep going, that was almost a thought there.
HOLLY
(tiny)
Magnus, I think I ate all the cake.
MAGNUS
Good, and?
HOLLY
(getting whinier)
And now I’m hungrier than I was before.
MAGNUS
Shocking.
HOLLY
This is all your fault. This is all your fault! Distracting me with your useless map.
MAGNUS
Oh, it’s my fault you ate all our trail markers.
HOLLY
Yeah? Well, I hope you get lost.
MAGNUS
We’re already lost!
HOLLY
I hope you fall in a hole. And die. And then get eaten alive by bears.
MAGNUS
Why don’t you have some more cake, pixie?
SOUND: Holly flies off, or tries—the buzzing of her wings is erratic and peters out
HOLLY
Have fun getting out of here without a map!
(in the distance)
Ow! Ow!
SOUND: A crash of bushes
INT. PALACE
SOUND: Construction and bustling activity
GUNTHER
There you are, Doctor Krankel.
KRANKEL
Good day, Your Majesty. I’m looking for the Master of Revels.
GUNTHER
You’re out of luck.
KRANKEL
Majesty?
GUNTHER
Parabel had him fired, so everyone’s coming to me for approvals.
KRANKEL
I had thought this was to be a surprise birthday party for Her Majesty?
GUNTHER
It is a surprise party. But she had… strong opinions about the plans.
KRANKEL
Ahh. Well then, Your Majesty will be glad to know the fireworks are all prepared.
GUNTHER
Excellent. The orchestra will be out on the jetty…
KRANKEL
Perfectly suitable. But with respect, Majesty, I had hoped for a more refined musical accompaniment.
GUNTHER
I know. But “Balgomarian Rhapsody” is one of Parabel’s favourites.
KRANKEL
Of course, Majesty.
GUNTHER
Have you found a way to make the banquet appear out of thin air?
KRANKEL
There are several possible approaches, but most efficacious would be to…
ALBA
(approaching)
Gunther.
GUNTHER
Alba, if you don’t mind, the Sorceror General and I are discussing some important business.
KRANKEL
(charming)
Miss Salix. Good day.
ALBA
More important than the health of your citizens?
GUNTHER
Why, what’s the problem?
ALBA
The Bailiff’s men destroyed my garden this morning.
GUNTHER
Your garden?
ALBA
They uprooted my nervous nettles and chopped down the only surviving squid-apple tree this side of the River Twist.
KRANKEL
Oh dear.
GUNTHER
So, surely the order came from the Bailiff’s office.
SOUND: Paper rustles
ALBA
This is Your Majesty’s signature right here on the work order.
GUNTHER
Oh, er… Look, I don’t have time to read every word in every document I sign. Certainly not today.
ALBA
How reassuring.
GUNTHER
Alba, can this please wait until after the party?
KRANKEL
Yes, surely you can use herbs from your existing stores?
ALBA
I have no existing stores!
KRANKEL
How reassuring.
ALBA
They were destroyed by that idiot boy. The one Your Majesty ordered to do his community service for me.
GUNTHER
This is all very unfortunate, but what do you want me to do about it?
KRANKEL
Your Majesty, perhaps the Office of the Sorceror General can be of assistance here?
ALBA
You?
KRANKEL
Miss Salix, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye…
ALBA
Ha.
KRANKEL
…but as a gesture of goodwill, I’d like to offer you access to our stockpiles.
ALBA
(coldly)
How very kind of you.
KRANKEL
You’re most welcome, Miss Salix. We at the OSG like to be prepared for emergency situations, droughts, shortages…
ALBA
Acts of vandalism…
KRANKEL
…and the like. Just get in touch with my secretary, and she’ll ensure you have everything you need.
GUNTHER
There you go! Problem solved.
ALBA
Yes, very convenient. Perhaps a little too convenient.
KRANKEL
I’m sorry?
ALBA
You had my garden torn out, didn’t you, “Doctor” Krankel? Slipped a little old work order in front of the King, in the midst of all the other party paperwork?
KRANKEL
What possible reason could I have—
ALBA
And how do I know these herbs of yours are safe?
KRANKEL
I really must protest—
GUNTHER
Doctor Krankel has been Sorceror General for twelve years now, and a trusted advisor to both my father and myself—
ALBA
What about those magical listening devices in the council chambers?
KRANKEL
Planted by Meyurian government agents.
ALBA
The suggestibility potion in the Palace drinking water?
KRANKEL
A chance combination of two harmless cooking ingredients.
ALBA
The “accident” aboard HMS Buttercup?
KRANKEL
Was an accident, as you say. Your Majesty, if I may, I must see to the arrival of the pigeon aerobatic team.
GUNTHER
Thank you, Doctor Krankel.
(sighs)
Alba, why can’t you two get along?
ALBA
I’ve told you, he’s been plotting against you for years. And as the only person who seems able to see that, I’m the biggest obstacle to his plans. Which is why he’s trying to show me up by having my garden destroyed.
GUNTHER
No, no, that wasn’t Krankel… I remember now. It was Parabel.
ALBA
What?!
GUNTHER
It was on her giant list of pre-birthday improvements.
ALBA
Parabel wrote this decree?
PARABEL
(approaching)
Did someone call my name?
ALBA
You!
PARABEL
Alba! Which dress should I wear to the party?
ALBA
You had my garden torn out?
GUNTHER
I’ll just be over here.
PARABEL
I know the blue one is more proper, but I still like the red one.
ALBA
Whichever one you like is probably fine, Your Majesty.
PARABEL
Oh, come on, just pick one of them.
ALBA
Fine. The blue one. It’s… more regal, not as showy.
PARABEL
See? That wasn’t so hard. The red one, please, Millie.
ALBA
Parabel? My garden?
PARABEL
Your what? Oh, you mean that underbrush in front of your building?
ALBA
It’s the herb garden for the House of Healing. Was the herb garden.
PARABEL
Oh. Well… it’s not like it was a very nice one.
ALBA
It’s not supposed to be “nice”. It’s supposed to provide vital medicinal ingredients.
PARABEL
You could grow them in little rows, at least. Or arrange them by colour?
ALBA
I give up.
PARABEL
(calling)
Oooh! I know! You should trim all your plants into cute animal shapes!
ALBA
(leaving)
Happy birthday, Your Majesty.
KRANKEL
(to himself)
That went well.
EXT. WOODS
MAGNUS
Hey, there we go, Holly! There’s a sign up ahead.
(no reply)
Holly? Pff, whatever. “Welcome to Badgerton, population 38 badgers, 3 bears.”
BADGER
Why, hello there.
MAGNUS
Whoa!
SOUND: Dagger drawn, clumsily
BADGER
Now, now. I mean you no harm, good sir.
MAGNUS
You shouldn’t sneak up on a guy.
BADGER
You look like a young man on a quest.
MAGNUS
Who wants to know?
BADGER
I am but a simple apothecary.
MAGNUS
You don’t say. And what are you apothecarrying?
BADGER
Why, magical herbs, tree products, mosses, lichens, fungi, maple syrup and souvenir gifts. Badger’s the name, badger’s the species. Proprietor, comma, Badgerton All-Natural Dispensary.
MAGNUS
Really! Now that’s handy.
BADGER
Step right this way.
SOUND: Footsteps—following magnus’s pov
SOUND: Shop door with bell, interior ambiance
MAGNUS
Nice hut.
BADGER
Thank you kindly. I take it by your garb that you are a monk of the Dragon Mountain order.
MAGNUS
Darn straight. Brother Magnus to you.
BADGER
Warriors and healers by trade, unless I’m much mistaken. Seeking rare medicines, perhaps?
MAGNUS
You got it, Badgerino.
BADGER
Excellent. What can I get you?
SOUND: Slip of paper
MAGNUS
Let’s see now… buttery goldenrod?
BADGER
We carry three varieties, all available fresh, dried, powdered, or extract.
MAGNUS
Sweet. How about bladderwort?
BADGER
Dried only, but it’s top quality.
MAGNUS
This is gonna be easier than I thought.
EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE WOODS
SOUND: Forest ambiance, slightly creepier
SOUND: Trip and fall, crash of bushes
HOLLY
Oof! Grr! I hate walking! I hate it! And it’s getting darker… Oh gods please don’t let me meet any badgers…
SOUND: Chitinous clicking
SPIDER
Why hello, little fairy.
HOLLY
Gaah! Where did you come from?
SPIDER
Oh, I live here. You look tired—won’t you step into my parlour? For… dinner?
HOLLY
No offense, Mister Spider, but your parlour looks kind of… web-like.
SPIDER
No, no, dear, that’s just decoration. It’s the latest fashion in parlours. Come in, come in!
HOLLY
Mama taught me not to talk to strange eight-foot-tall spiders!
SPIDER
Please! It’s almost time… for dinner.
SOUND: Snatching and clacking of jaws; snapping of twigs
HOLLY
Yeek! Get away!
SOUND: Erratic flying
HOLLY
(receding into the distance)
Ow ow ow!
SPIDER
(forlorn)
No one ever wants to stay… for dinner.
INT. HOUSE CONTINUOUS
SOUND: Crackling fire, soft bubbling
SOUND: From outside, an unsteady buzzing of wings
HOLLY
(approaching at speed)
…aaaaaAAAAA!
SOUND: Glass smash and tinkle, thud and more crashing: cutlery, furniture
HOLLY
Oof! Oof! Ow! Oh, my head… oh, Goddess, I am never gonna eat cake ever again.
(pulls herself up with a groan)
Anybody home? Hello? I’m sorry about your window… Holy Molae, something smells so good.
SOUND: Louder bubbling, pot lid clank
HOLLY
Oh my gosh, porridge. YES. Oh porridge, I love you so much.
(takes a mouthful)
Ow! Ow! Hot!
INT. HUT
MAGNUS
And three pounds of soldierwood bark.
BADGER
Strips or powder?
MAGNUS
It’s all good.
BADGER
I’d recommend the strips, then. You’ll have to grind it yourself, but it’ll keep far longer. Aaand your total comes to… let’s see, three hundred and seventy-nine crowns, five ducats and sixpence.
MAGNUS
Well. You see, I don’t have that kind of cash, I’m afraid…
BADGER
We also take MagisterCard and Farlorian Express.
SOUND: Dagger drawn
MAGNUS
Sorry, Mr. Badger. This is, how you say, a stick-up.
BADGER
Er, I, er, you could always start a tab!
MAGNUS
No no. This is how a stick-up works, you see. You hand over the sack of herbs, and all the cash in the till, or else I stick this dagger up your pointy nose. C’mon. I haven’t got all day.
BADGER
Here.
SOUND: Bag rustles
MAGNUS
And the cash, please. Chop chop.
SOUND: Coins scooped into another bag
BADGER
You bring shame to your order.
MAGNUS
Thank you, good sir. I’ll be sure to tell my friends about your fine establishment. You wouldn’t happen to have a map of the area, would you?
INT. HOUSE
SOUND: Crackling fire, no bubbling
SOUND: Wooden door opens, big footsteps
MAMA
(entering)
So, did you have fun?
BABY
That was the best puppet show ever, Mama! I wanna go again tomorrow!
PAPA
Well, tomorrow it’s a different show for grown-up bears.
BABY
Does it have duels and guys stabbing people and things?
PAPA
No.
MAMA
(simultaneously)
Yes. You’re too young to see it.
BABY
Aww!
PAPA
Wait—something’s wrong.
Hush.
HOLLY
(distant snoring)
BABY
Someone’s broken my chair!
MAMA
Someone’s broken my table!
PAPA
Someone’s broken my front window!
SOUND: Spoon clinks against empty bowl
BABY
Someone’s eaten my porridge.
PAPA
Someone’s eaten MY porridge!
SOUND: Clank of ladle in pot
MAMA
Someone’s eaten the whole pot.
HOLLY
(distantly: snores, giggles in her sleep)
PAPA
What’s that?
BABY
There’s somebody in my room!
MAMA
Junior, fetch me that frying pan. Papa, get your pitchfork.
BABY
Here, Ma.
SOUND: Frying pan clanks
MAMA
We’ve got ourselves an intruder.
EXT. WOODS, NIGHT
SOUND: Big bag rustling, coins jingling
MAGNUS
(to himself; labouring slightly)
Who’s number one? That’s right, Magnus number one, muthagooses.
GUARD
(calling, distant)
Brother Magnus! You are charged with theft. Stand, in the name of the law!
MAGNUS
I scorn your local badger laws! I scoff! Ha ha!
SOUND: Distant bowstring; arrow swoosh and thunk, close by
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Whoa, Nelly. I, uh… vanish into the night!
SOUND: Running footsteps
GUARD
(running)
Stand, robber! Show your hands!
SOUND: Another arrow, further away
SOUND: Running
MAGNUS
(out of breath)
Ha! Lost ‘em.
HOLLY
(whispering)
Magnus? Magnus, over here!
MAGNUS
Holly?
HOLLY
Shhh! They’ll hear us!
MAGNUS
Holly, why are you locked in a wooden cage marked “Thife”?
HOLLY
Because bears don’t know how to spell the word “Thief”.
MAGNUS
Huh. Well, at least they spelled the word “Lunch” right.
HOLLY
What?! Is that what that one says?
MAGNUS
Bears, huh? Well, I hope they kill you humanely before they eat you.
HOLLY
What? Magnus, get me out of here!
MAGNUS
You dare ask me to pervert the legal system?
HOLLY
Come on! You know how to melt wood!
MAGNUS
No time, I’m afraid. I’ve gotta deliver my cargo of magic woo woo herbs to the boss.
HOLLY
You found the herbs?
SOUND: Sack rustling
MAGNUS
Every last one on the list. Look! Musk roses, eglantine, and a pound of smug bastardroot.
HOLLY
You cheated. You went to a store.
MAGNUS
I never.
HOLLY
You totally did. I bet you stole it all too!
MAGNUS
Mister Badger let me have it for free! I guess he just liked my face.
SOUND: Arrow swish and thunk
GUARD
(distant)
Brother Magnus! Stand and show yourself!
BADGER
(distant)
That’s the boy! Get him!
SOUND: Running feet approach
MAGNUS
Yikes. I guess that’s my cue.
(heaves his bag back up and starts running off)
So long, bear bait! Ooof!
SOUND: Trip and fall—bag crashes, coins scatter
SOUND: Running footsteps, sword drawn
GUARD
Stay down! Hands on your head! Now!
SOUND: Snapping of manacles
GUARD (CONT’D)
Right. Into the cage with you!
MAGNUS
No way, fur face!
SOUND: Chaos—struggling, crashing, ripping
BADGER
Hold onto him! Keep him still!
MAGNUS
Hey, hey! Hands off, you pervert!
GUARD
Get in the cage! Move!
MAGNUS
Hey! What are you doing? What’s with the leaves?
BADGER
That’s right! Lock him up. We’ll decide what to do with him in the morning.
SOUND: Key in padlock, wooden cage opens and slams, lock clicks
MAGNUS
Hey! Get back here! I demand to speak to my lawyer!
HOLLY
Keep your voice down! You’ll wake the bears. They might decide they want a midnight snack.
MAGNUS
This is just great. Locked in irons and stuck in a cage with a lame fairy, waiting to be eaten by semiliterate bears. And that badger put something down my pants.
HOLLY
I saw. It’s poison ivy.
MAGNUS
That would explain the mild but growing itching sensation.
HOLLY
“Leaves of three, let them be.”
MAGNUS
I’ll be sure to remember that next time I’m being arrested. Aggh, it’s getting worse! This is a travesty of justice!
HOLLY
Well, you did steal all those herbs…
MAGNUS
Oh, don’t you get all high and mighty with me, “Thife”!
HOLLY
That was a misunderstanding!
MAGNUS
Aha.
HOLLY
And besides which, I was starving!
MAGNUS
I wonder why.
HOLLY
I’m not talking to you any more.
MAGNUS
Fine.
Silence.
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Gods it itches!
HOLLY
We really should get out of here.
MAGNUS
Ya think?
HOLLY
Do your wood-melting thing!
MAGNUS
My what?
HOLLY
You said you learned how back at the monastery.
MAGNUS
I was trying to heat up some food and kind of melted the table.
HOLLY
I see. Got any special martial arts moves for breaking out of cages?
MAGNUS
Yeah. But they involve not having my legs in shackles.
HOLLY
Great.
MAGNUS
How about you? Any bright ideas?
HOLLY
Well… I think the lashing on this side is coming apart. I tried budging it earlier but I couldn’t do it by myself. But if we both rock the cage back and forth…
MAGNUS
Hey, yeah. Okay. On three. One, two, three…
SOUND: Slight rhythmic creaking
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
No, no. We need to be in sync.
HOLLY
You’re going to and fro… you should be going fro and to.
MAGNUS
Whatever. One, two, three.
SOUND: Creaking
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
There we go!
HOLLY
Shhh!
MAGNUS
I think it’s working. It’s starting to give a little.
SOUND: Wood snaps
SOUND: Door, far distant
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Almost there…
PAPA
(far distant)
What’s going on out there?
HOLLY
Uh oh, there’s a light! I think someone heard us!
MAGNUS
It’s a bear. It’s three bears.
HOLLY
We’re gonna be a midnight snack!
MAGNUS
Go faster!
SOUND: Cracking and splintering
HOLLY
We did it!
MAGNUS
The door’s off. Quick, quick, make a run for it!
PAPA
(distant)
They’re getting away! Stop them!
MAGNUS
So long, suckers! Oof!
SOUND: Trip and fall
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
Holly! Holly, I can’t run in these leg irons!
HOLLY
Well, I can’t carry you!
MAGNUS
Please! Please, Holly, they’re gonna eat me!
HOLLY
Say you’re sorry.
MAGNUS
What?!
HOLLY
Say you’re sorry for stealing those herbs.
MAGNUS
Sorry to who? Badger’s not here.
HOLLY
To the universe.
MAGNUS
Holly…
HOLLY
Say it.
MAGNUS
I am sorry, O Universe. I am so sorry I stole a bunch of herbs from a nice badger who was only trying to make a living.
HOLLY
That’s better.
MAMA
(closing in)
Stop that fairy!
BABY
(closing in)
Porridge stealer!
MAGNUS
Holly!
HOLLY
Hold onto my waist. Oh Mercury, help me…
SOUND: Erratic buzz of wings
HOLLY (CONT’D)
(fading into the distance)
Ow ow ow…
MAGNUS
(simultaneously)
Aaaaaa!
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
SOUND: Door and footsteps. morning birds outside.
HOLLY AND MAGNUS
(suspiciously cheerful)
Morning, Alba!
ALBA
What?
HOLLY
It’s good to see you.
MAGNUS
Yes. Isn’t it a lovely day.
ALBA
I suppose this is bad news.
HOLLY
No, no, we got your herbs and everything. Look!
SOUND: Rustling leaves
ALBA
What’s this supposed to be? Goldenrod?
HOLLY
Uh huh. It’s a… special variety they grow in the swamp.
ALBA
And this?
MAGNUS
That’s ginseng.
ALBA
This is a yam.
MAGNUS
It’s orange ginseng!
HOLLY
Sometimes known as false yam!
MAGNUS
Every herb a modern House of Healing needs.
ALBA
And not, say, a bag of ten random plants you stumbled on in the dark…
(accusing, in turn)
Magnus? Holly?
HOLLY
(beat, then breaks down)
I’m sorry, Alba.
ALBA
(sighs)
Never send a pair of dimwit assistants to do a witch’s job.
HOLLY
I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be your herbalist forever.
ALBA
Please don’t say that.
HOLLY
We need to make amends. What can we do?
MAGNUS
Uh… “we”?
ALBA
Well, there’s a stack of bedpans and chamber pots behind you that need cleaning out. And then you can start rebuilding the pantry.
HOLLY
Yes, Alba.
MAGNUS
Great.
ALBA
Consider yourself lucky. I’m off to Her Majesty’s surprise birthday party.
SOUND: Door slams
MAGNUS
I hate my life.
HOLLY
(beat)
Are you gonna eat that yam?
> MUSIC: CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ANNOUNCER
In “Into the Woeful Woods”, Episode Three of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
and Olivia Jon as Holly
with
Carter Siddall as Helbard Krankel and Douglas
George Bertwell as King Gunther and Papa Bear
Marisa King as Queen Parabel and Mama Bear
John Palmieri as Bailiff Henry and Badger
Abbas Hussain as Jan and Badger Guard
Jasmin Cheng as Baby Bear
and Clive E Milne as the Spider and the Map.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Engineered by John Palmieri.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.
Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.