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S1 E3: Into the Woeful Woods

After the House of Healing’s herb garden is torn out by workmen bearing royal orders, Alba tries to get to the root of the matter while Holly and Magnus venture into the woods to gather more rare plants.

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Episode Transcript

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

MAGNUS

Liverwort, spleenwort, brainwort… uh…

HOLLY

(whispering)

Kidneywort.

MAGNUS

(whispering)

I was getting to that.

HOLLY

Just trying to help…

MAGNUS

(aloud)

Kidneywort and Left Pinky Finger-wort.

ALBA

Good. Name three natural anaesthetics.

MAGNUS

Nodding rose, napping violet and blunt trauma.

ALBA

Why do I bother?

MAGNUS

Fine, snoozeweed.

ALBA

Thank you. I suppose this apprenticeship might not be a complete waste.

MAGNUS

You know what would really be worthwhile, though, is if you taught me some magic.

SOUND: Distant clank and crash from outside

HOLLY

(alarmed)

Um, Alba… speaking of herbs… what’s happened to the garden?

ALBA

What? Oh! Who the hell is that? Gods, they’re tearing everything out!

(running out)

Hey! Get out of my garden!

EXT. GARDEN, CONTINUOUS

SOUND: Morning birds

SOUND: Shovels clanking, cracking of branches

SOUND: Door opens. shovels stop

ALBA

(running up)

Hey! Stop that this minute!

JAN

(furtive)

Oh gods, it’s her!

ALBA

Just what do you think you’re doing?

DOUGLAS

Um. Nothing.

JAN

Nothing, Ma’am.

BAILIFF

(approaching)

Excuse me, madam. Is there a problem?

ALBA

Bailiff Henry. What are your men doing destroying my herb garden?

BAILIFF

Merely enforcing the law, madam.

ALBA

I beg your pardon?

SOUND: Rustling paper

BAILIFF

(clears his throat)

“A Royal Decree on the Aesthetic Character of the Royal Lands, County Grandville…”

SOUND: Paper snatched

ALBA

Give me that.

(skimming it)

“All buildings within sight of the Palace to be painted in selected shades of pink…”

BAILIFF

It’s Sub-Section Eight.

ALBA

“Garden at the House of Healing to be torn out and replanted according to Palace standards!”

BAILIFF

There you are.

ALBA

I don’t believe this.

BAILIFF

All right, you men. Stop gawping and get back to it.

DOUGLAS

(scared)

Sir?

BAILIFF

What? What’s gotten into you two? You think she’s going to curse you or something?

JAN

(hushed)

I heard she was the one made Mickey Hutter’s ears fall off.

DOUGLAS

She made the birds peck old Mrs Angley to death.

BAILIFF

She never did that.

ALBA

Oh, didn’t I?

JAN

She’s the Queen’s sister! She’ll have us killed!

BAILIFF

(a little desperate)

Finish the job or it’s two days’ pay docked for both of you!

JAN

With respect, Sir, we wish to resign.

DOUGLAS

I cannot work today on account of I have a terrible cold.

BAILIFF

We have orders—

ALBA

Bailiff, I would be quite happy if your men were to cease work right now. And if they were, perhaps, to help salvage what they’ve torn up, I would be even happier. Otherwise, well… I won’t be responsible for their safety.

JAN

(beat)

Sir?

BAILIFF

I think perhaps we could come to some arrangement.

> MUSIC: OPENING THEME

HERALD

By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Third: Into the Woeful Woods.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

SOUND: Simmering, and rustling leaves

HOLLY

You’re doing it wrong…

MAGNUS

I am not doing it wrong.

HOLLY

You’re supposed to put the nettles into the water after it starts boiling.

MAGNUS

No one asked you, fairy.

SOUND: Interior door and footsteps

HOLLY

You’re gonna waste an entire bag of leaves.

MAGNUS

Holly, I don’t need tea-making lessons from a hopped-up pixie.

HOLLY

(silent, then suddenly dangerous)

What did you call me.

MAGNUS

A clumsy, mushroom-addled pixie.

SOUND: Angry buzz of wings

HOLLY

Magnus. Don’t you ever call me a pixie.

MAGNUS

I just did. Twice.

(blurts)

Pixie. Oops! Three times.

HOLLY

Don’t associate my name with those people. My Mama and my Grandma fought their kind for years.

MAGNUS

I thought you fairies believed in peace and hugs and whiskers on gryphons.

HOLLY

Not when it comes to pixies! They eat cornflower husks! They bite their toenails!

MAGNUS

You “fought” them? What was it, a cider drinking contest?

SOUND: Holly zooms in and whacks magnus

MAGNUS

Ow! Dammit!

HOLLY

Take it back!

MAGNUS

Get away from me!

SOUND: Chaos: holly flying in circles while magnus swings at her with a broom. smashing and clattering

HOLLY

Take it back! Take it back!

MAGNUS

Pixie! Mushroom fiend!

ALBA

(entering)

What in Hades is going on?!

HOLLY

Take back what you said!

MAGNUS

I bet you kiss bumblebees!

HOLLY

Yeah, well you’re a mean, lazy, good for-nothing young human… youngster!

SOUND: An enormous crash.

HOLLY

Ow!

ALBA

Holly! Magnus!

SOUND: Deathly quiet except for an occasional tinkle of glass bits

ALBA

Well?

MAGNUS

She started it.

HOLLY

(winded)

I did not! He insulted my people!

MAGNUS

Just telling it like it is.

ALBA

Children!

HOLLY

Sorry.

MAGNUS

(simultaneously)

I’m not a…! Sorry.

ALBA

First the bailiff and his lackeys take out my garden, and now you two have wrecked half the pantry.

(sighs)

That was my last bottle of gossamer fern extract. And the doleful goatweed.

HOLLY

I’m sorry, Alba. We’ll replace them all.

ALBA

Yes, you will.

HOLLY

If I have to travel to the ends of the earth.

ALBA

There’s an idea. And take Magnus with you.

HOLLY

I shall atone for my… wait. Magnus? I’m not taking him!

SOUND: Scribbling

ALBA

Yes, you are. You are both going to go out and collect the ingredients on this list.

MAGNUS

Can’t we just go to an apothecary?

ALBA

On my budget?

MAGNUS

I see. The kingdom’s health care system is founded on slave labour.

ALBA

You noticed.

HOLLY

(reading)

Gossamer fern, chuckle briar… golden bellweed?

(worried)

Alba, that only grows in the green grove in the deepest depths of the Woeful Woods.

ALBA

Well, that should narrow down your search.

HOLLY

But those woods are all full of badgers and bears!

MAGNUS

I thought the animals were our friends? What—you scared of a widdle fuzzy badger?

HOLLY

We have… religious differences.

MAGNUS

Did they side with the pixies?

HOLLY

Alba, I can’t go to the Woeful Woods!

ALBA

Magnus will go with you and defend you.

HOLLY

Defend me? Forget badgers—he’s never even seen a tree.

MAGNUS

Can I bring a sword and everything?

EXT. WOODS

SOUND: Birdsong ambience

SOUND: Footsteps

MAGNUS

Let me see the list.

HOLLY

Why do you care? You couldn’t tell a mushroom from a mulberry bush.

MAGNUS

I want to know what plants we’re looking for.

HOLLY

You just stick to navigating, monkey boy.

MAGNUS

Say, why don’t you go fly up over the trees and see if we’re still heading in the right direc—oh, wait, you hurt your wing flying into the pantry door.

HOLLY

Okay, okay, let’s be nice. C’mon, we have to work together.

MAGNUS

So I hear.

HOLLY

(calming herself)

I’m a good fairy and I help people. I’m a good fairy and I help people.

(to Magnus)

What does your map say?

SOUND: Rustling paper

MAGNUS

Uh… we’re getting close to the turning.

MAP

(thin, accented voice)

In. Fifty Paces. Turn: Left. At: Babbling Brook.

HOLLY

Really? I don’t think I trust this GBH thing. Anything made by gnomes…

MAGNUS

It’s GPS.

HOLLY

Whatever.

MAGNUS

It stands for Gnomish Place Seeker.

HOLLY

It’s probably going to lead us into badger territory. Or bears… Hey look! Fairy cake!

MAGNUS

That’s a cake?

SOUND: Crinkling paper

HOLLY

Uh huh! See? It’s a magic cake we fairies make to sustain us on long journeys.

MAGNUS

What’s it doing lying in the grass?

HOLLY

Some nice fairies must have left it here. I wonder if it was anyone I know…

MAGNUS

Or some nice fairies got eaten by a giant spider and all that’s left is their cake.

HOLLY

Want some?

MAGNUS

I’ll pass, thanks.

HOLLY

(eating)

Mmm. You’re missing out.

MAGNUS

How is it magic?

HOLLY

One little piece like this is enough to keep you going all day. Well… that’s how it’s supposed to work. Mine never turns out. I mean, it tastes good but actually it kinda makes you a little bit hungrier…

MAP

In. One Hundred Paces. Turn: Left. At: Babbling Brook.

HOLLY

Okay, maybe a lot hungrier. But it’s sooo good.

MAGNUS

Can you see the brook yet?

MAP

Reckoning…

HOLLY

No. Shouldn’t we have heard it babbling by now?

MAP

Reckoning…

HOLLY

(slowly becoming more spacey)

Hee. “Babble.” What a great word. Babble, babble…

MAGNUS

Are we heading north?

HOLLY

Duh! Look at the moss on the trees.

MAGNUS

Uh… I’m looking. What about it?

HOLLY

The moss grows on the north side. Dummy.

MAGNUS

Is that true or are you just making up more weird fairy stuff? That’s really north?

HOLLY

Absolutely one hundred percent due north.

MAGNUS

Aw, c’mon, I just got this thing! It can’t be broken already.

HOLLY

Oh my gosh! More fairy cake!

(stops and scarfs it down)

Geez, this is my lucky day.

MAGNUS

Holly. How can you just eat random things you find on the ground?

HOLLY

Trust in the forest and it will provide.

MAGNUS

What if it’s poisoned? Or maybe it’s a trap. Left by pixies. Maybe pixies stole the recipe.

HOLLY

Pixies can’t cook.

MAP

In. Thirty. Paces. Turn: Right. At: Great. Granite Mountain.

MAGNUS

Okay, looking for a mountain.

HOLLY

Oh, sure. You don’t believe me about the moss, but you’ll listen to that piece of paper.

MAGNUS

It can’t be wrong. It’s got all the latest data.

HOLLY

Do you see any mountains?

MAGNUS

They could be hidden by the trees.

MAP

Warning. Warning. This map. Has been. Stolen.

HOLLY

You stole the map?

MAGNUS

What? Holly, I’m hurt that you would think such a thing.

MAP

This map. Has been. Stolen.

MAGNUS

Besides, they wanted a hundred and seventy crowns for i! For a piece of junk!

HOLLY

I bet you didn’t pay for that dagger, either.

MAGNUS

Don’t you talk that way about Bloodletter!

HOLLY

Ew.

MAP

This map. Has been. Stolen. And will now. Self-destruct.

SOUND: A bang and a fizzle, like a firecracker

MAGNUS

Ow! Well, that’s just great.

HOLLY

Ha. It serves you righ… Holy calendula! (ca-LEND-you-la) More fairy cake!

MAGNUS

No map, no compass and you can’t even fly.

HOLLY

(stuffing her face)

First of all, we don’t need a compass. Hello! Moss! And second of all…

(trails off)

Gosh, this is awesome cake…

MAGNUS

I bet you’re faking. I bet you can fly just fine.

HOLLY

If I could fly, believe me, I wouldn’t be here talking to you.

MAGNUS

Well, that’s a darn shame for both of us, then.

(beat)

Any other brilliant ideas? Can your special fairy senses detect jimson weed or whatever?

HOLLY

Watch it, buster. And second of all…

(smug)

I do know the way back.

MAGNUS

Oh? How?

HOLLY

I’ve been leaving a trail of markers behind us. That way, we can just retrace our steps.

MAGNUS

Really? That’s… kind of smart, actually. What are you leaving for markers?

HOLLY

That is the amazingly brilliant part. I’ve been leaving pieces of fairy cake. That way, one, I can travel lighter as we go, and two, we have something to eat on the way back!

A long pause.

HOLLY

(worried now)

Oh.

MAGNUS

Great.

HOLLY

Oh. Oh gosh. The cake we found…

MAGNUS

Uh huh.

HOLLY

All this time we must have been…

(trails off)

MAGNUS

Keep going, that was almost a thought there.

HOLLY

(tiny)

Magnus, I think I ate all the cake.

MAGNUS

Good, and?

HOLLY

(getting whinier)

And now I’m hungrier than I was before.

MAGNUS

Shocking.

HOLLY

This is all your fault. This is all your fault! Distracting me with your useless map.

MAGNUS

Oh, it’s my fault you ate all our trail markers.

HOLLY

Yeah? Well, I hope you get lost.

MAGNUS

We’re already lost!

HOLLY

I hope you fall in a hole. And die. And then get eaten alive by bears.

MAGNUS

Why don’t you have some more cake, pixie?

SOUND: Holly flies off, or tries—the buzzing of her wings is erratic and peters out

HOLLY

Have fun getting out of here without a map!

(in the distance)

Ow! Ow!

SOUND: A crash of bushes

INT. PALACE

SOUND: Construction and bustling activity

GUNTHER

There you are, Doctor Krankel.

KRANKEL

Good day, Your Majesty. I’m looking for the Master of Revels.

GUNTHER

You’re out of luck.

KRANKEL

Majesty?

GUNTHER

Parabel had him fired, so everyone’s coming to me for approvals.

KRANKEL

I had thought this was to be a surprise birthday party for Her Majesty?

GUNTHER

It is a surprise party. But she had… strong opinions about the plans.

KRANKEL

Ahh. Well then, Your Majesty will be glad to know the fireworks are all prepared.

GUNTHER

Excellent. The orchestra will be out on the jetty…

KRANKEL

Perfectly suitable. But with respect, Majesty, I had hoped for a more refined musical accompaniment.

GUNTHER

I know. But “Balgomarian Rhapsody” is one of Parabel’s favourites.

KRANKEL

Of course, Majesty.

GUNTHER

Have you found a way to make the banquet appear out of thin air?

KRANKEL

There are several possible approaches, but most efficacious would be to…

ALBA

(approaching)

Gunther.

GUNTHER

Alba, if you don’t mind, the Sorceror General and I are discussing some important business.

KRANKEL

(charming)

Miss Salix. Good day.

ALBA

More important than the health of your citizens?

GUNTHER

Why, what’s the problem?

ALBA

The Bailiff’s men destroyed my garden this morning.

GUNTHER

Your garden?

ALBA

They uprooted my nervous nettles and chopped down the only surviving squid-apple tree this side of the River Twist.

KRANKEL

Oh dear.

GUNTHER

So, surely the order came from the Bailiff’s office.

SOUND: Paper rustles

ALBA

This is Your Majesty’s signature right here on the work order.

GUNTHER

Oh, er… Look, I don’t have time to read every word in every document I sign. Certainly not today.

ALBA

How reassuring.

GUNTHER

Alba, can this please wait until after the party?

KRANKEL

Yes, surely you can use herbs from your existing stores?

ALBA

I have no existing stores!

KRANKEL

How reassuring.

ALBA

They were destroyed by that idiot boy. The one Your Majesty ordered to do his community service for me.

GUNTHER

This is all very unfortunate, but what do you want me to do about it?

KRANKEL

Your Majesty, perhaps the Office of the Sorceror General can be of assistance here?

ALBA

You?

KRANKEL

Miss Salix, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye…

ALBA

Ha.

KRANKEL

…but as a gesture of goodwill, I’d like to offer you access to our stockpiles.

ALBA

(coldly)

How very kind of you.

KRANKEL

You’re most welcome, Miss Salix. We at the OSG like to be prepared for emergency situations, droughts, shortages…

ALBA

Acts of vandalism…

KRANKEL

…and the like. Just get in touch with my secretary, and she’ll ensure you have everything you need.

GUNTHER

There you go! Problem solved.

ALBA

Yes, very convenient. Perhaps a little too convenient.

KRANKEL

I’m sorry?

ALBA

You had my garden torn out, didn’t you, “Doctor” Krankel? Slipped a little old work order in front of the King, in the midst of all the other party paperwork?

KRANKEL

What possible reason could I have—

ALBA

And how do I know these herbs of yours are safe?

KRANKEL

I really must protest—

GUNTHER

Doctor Krankel has been Sorceror General for twelve years now, and a trusted advisor to both my father and myself—

ALBA

What about those magical listening devices in the council chambers?

KRANKEL

Planted by Meyurian government agents.

ALBA

The suggestibility potion in the Palace drinking water?

KRANKEL

A chance combination of two harmless cooking ingredients.

ALBA

The “accident” aboard HMS Buttercup?

KRANKEL

Was an accident, as you say. Your Majesty, if I may, I must see to the arrival of the pigeon aerobatic team.

GUNTHER

Thank you, Doctor Krankel.

(sighs)

Alba, why can’t you two get along?

ALBA

I’ve told you, he’s been plotting against you for years. And as the only person who seems able to see that, I’m the biggest obstacle to his plans. Which is why he’s trying to show me up by having my garden destroyed.

GUNTHER

No, no, that wasn’t Krankel… I remember now. It was Parabel.

ALBA

What?!

GUNTHER

It was on her giant list of pre-birthday improvements.

ALBA

Parabel wrote this decree?

PARABEL

(approaching)

Did someone call my name?

ALBA

You!

PARABEL

Alba! Which dress should I wear to the party?

ALBA

You had my garden torn out?

GUNTHER

I’ll just be over here.

PARABEL

I know the blue one is more proper, but I still like the red one.

ALBA

Whichever one you like is probably fine, Your Majesty.

PARABEL

Oh, come on, just pick one of them.

ALBA

Fine. The blue one. It’s… more regal, not as showy.

PARABEL

See? That wasn’t so hard. The red one, please, Millie.

ALBA

Parabel? My garden?

PARABEL

Your what? Oh, you mean that underbrush in front of your building?

ALBA

It’s the herb garden for the House of Healing. Was the herb garden.

PARABEL

Oh. Well… it’s not like it was a very nice one.

ALBA

It’s not supposed to be “nice”. It’s supposed to provide vital medicinal ingredients.

PARABEL

You could grow them in little rows, at least. Or arrange them by colour?

ALBA

I give up.

PARABEL

(calling)

Oooh! I know! You should trim all your plants into cute animal shapes!

ALBA

(leaving)

Happy birthday, Your Majesty.

KRANKEL

(to himself)

That went well.

EXT. WOODS

MAGNUS

Hey, there we go, Holly! There’s a sign up ahead.

(no reply)

Holly? Pff, whatever. “Welcome to Badgerton, population 38 badgers, 3 bears.”

BADGER

Why, hello there.

MAGNUS

Whoa!

SOUND: Dagger drawn, clumsily

BADGER

Now, now. I mean you no harm, good sir.

MAGNUS

You shouldn’t sneak up on a guy.

BADGER

You look like a young man on a quest.

MAGNUS

Who wants to know?

BADGER

I am but a simple apothecary.

MAGNUS

You don’t say. And what are you apothecarrying?

BADGER

Why, magical herbs, tree products, mosses, lichens, fungi, maple syrup and souvenir gifts. Badger’s the name, badger’s the species. Proprietor, comma, Badgerton All-Natural Dispensary.

MAGNUS

Really! Now that’s handy.

BADGER

Step right this way.

SOUND: Footsteps—following magnus’s pov

SOUND: Shop door with bell, interior ambiance

MAGNUS

Nice hut.

BADGER

Thank you kindly. I take it by your garb that you are a monk of the Dragon Mountain order.

MAGNUS

Darn straight. Brother Magnus to you.

BADGER

Warriors and healers by trade, unless I’m much mistaken. Seeking rare medicines, perhaps?

MAGNUS

You got it, Badgerino.

BADGER

Excellent. What can I get you?

SOUND: Slip of paper

MAGNUS

Let’s see now… buttery goldenrod?

BADGER

We carry three varieties, all available fresh, dried, powdered, or extract.

MAGNUS

Sweet. How about bladderwort?

BADGER

Dried only, but it’s top quality.

MAGNUS

This is gonna be easier than I thought.

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE WOODS

SOUND: Forest ambiance, slightly creepier

SOUND: Trip and fall, crash of bushes

HOLLY

Oof! Grr! I hate walking! I hate it! And it’s getting darker… Oh gods please don’t let me meet any badgers…

SOUND: Chitinous clicking

SPIDER

Why hello, little fairy.

HOLLY

Gaah! Where did you come from?

SPIDER

Oh, I live here. You look tired—won’t you step into my parlour? For… dinner?

HOLLY

No offense, Mister Spider, but your parlour looks kind of… web-like.

SPIDER

No, no, dear, that’s just decoration. It’s the latest fashion in parlours. Come in, come in!

HOLLY

Mama taught me not to talk to strange eight-foot-tall spiders!

SPIDER

Please! It’s almost time… for dinner.

SOUND: Snatching and clacking of jaws; snapping of twigs

HOLLY

Yeek! Get away!

SOUND: Erratic flying

HOLLY

(receding into the distance)

Ow ow ow!

SPIDER

(forlorn)

No one ever wants to stay… for dinner.

INT. HOUSE CONTINUOUS

SOUND: Crackling fire, soft bubbling

SOUND: From outside, an unsteady buzzing of wings

HOLLY

(approaching at speed)

…aaaaaAAAAA!

SOUND: Glass smash and tinkle, thud and more crashing: cutlery, furniture

HOLLY

Oof! Oof! Ow! Oh, my head… oh, Goddess, I am never gonna eat cake ever again.

(pulls herself up with a groan)

Anybody home? Hello? I’m sorry about your window… Holy Molae, something smells so good.

SOUND: Louder bubbling, pot lid clank

HOLLY

Oh my gosh, porridge. YES. Oh porridge, I love you so much.

(takes a mouthful)

Ow! Ow! Hot!

INT. HUT

MAGNUS

And three pounds of soldierwood bark.

BADGER

Strips or powder?

MAGNUS

It’s all good.

BADGER

I’d recommend the strips, then. You’ll have to grind it yourself, but it’ll keep far longer. Aaand your total comes to… let’s see, three hundred and seventy-nine crowns, five ducats and sixpence.

MAGNUS

Well. You see, I don’t have that kind of cash, I’m afraid…

BADGER

We also take MagisterCard and Farlorian Express.

SOUND: Dagger drawn

MAGNUS

Sorry, Mr. Badger. This is, how you say, a stick-up.

BADGER

Er, I, er, you could always start a tab!

MAGNUS

No no. This is how a stick-up works, you see. You hand over the sack of herbs, and all the cash in the till, or else I stick this dagger up your pointy nose. C’mon. I haven’t got all day.

BADGER

Here.

SOUND: Bag rustles

MAGNUS

And the cash, please. Chop chop.

SOUND: Coins scooped into another bag

BADGER

You bring shame to your order.

MAGNUS

Thank you, good sir. I’ll be sure to tell my friends about your fine establishment. You wouldn’t happen to have a map of the area, would you?

INT. HOUSE

SOUND: Crackling fire, no bubbling

SOUND: Wooden door opens, big footsteps

MAMA

(entering)

So, did you have fun?

BABY

That was the best puppet show ever, Mama! I wanna go again tomorrow!

PAPA

Well, tomorrow it’s a different show for grown-up bears.

BABY

Does it have duels and guys stabbing people and things?

PAPA

No.

MAMA

(simultaneously)

Yes. You’re too young to see it.

BABY

Aww!

PAPA

Wait—something’s wrong.

Hush.

HOLLY

(distant snoring)

BABY

Someone’s broken my chair!

MAMA

Someone’s broken my table!

PAPA

Someone’s broken my front window!

SOUND: Spoon clinks against empty bowl

BABY

Someone’s eaten my porridge.

PAPA

Someone’s eaten MY porridge!

SOUND: Clank of ladle in pot

MAMA

Someone’s eaten the whole pot.

HOLLY

(distantly: snores, giggles in her sleep)

PAPA

What’s that?

BABY

There’s somebody in my room!

MAMA

Junior, fetch me that frying pan. Papa, get your pitchfork.

BABY

Here, Ma.

SOUND: Frying pan clanks

MAMA

We’ve got ourselves an intruder.

EXT. WOODS, NIGHT

SOUND: Big bag rustling, coins jingling

MAGNUS

(to himself; labouring slightly)

Who’s number one? That’s right, Magnus number one, muthagooses.

GUARD

(calling, distant)

Brother Magnus! You are charged with theft. Stand, in the name of the law!

MAGNUS

I scorn your local badger laws! I scoff! Ha ha!

SOUND: Distant bowstring; arrow swoosh and thunk, close by

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

Whoa, Nelly. I, uh… vanish into the night!

SOUND: Running footsteps

GUARD

(running)

Stand, robber! Show your hands!

SOUND: Another arrow, further away

SOUND: Running

MAGNUS

(out of breath)

Ha! Lost ‘em.

HOLLY

(whispering)

Magnus? Magnus, over here!

MAGNUS

Holly?

HOLLY

Shhh! They’ll hear us!

MAGNUS

Holly, why are you locked in a wooden cage marked “Thife”?

HOLLY

Because bears don’t know how to spell the word “Thief”.

MAGNUS

Huh. Well, at least they spelled the word “Lunch” right.

HOLLY

What?! Is that what that one says?

MAGNUS

Bears, huh? Well, I hope they kill you humanely before they eat you.

HOLLY

What? Magnus, get me out of here!

MAGNUS

You dare ask me to pervert the legal system?

HOLLY

Come on! You know how to melt wood!

MAGNUS

No time, I’m afraid. I’ve gotta deliver my cargo of magic woo woo herbs to the boss.

HOLLY

You found the herbs?

SOUND: Sack rustling

MAGNUS

Every last one on the list. Look! Musk roses, eglantine, and a pound of smug bastardroot.

HOLLY

You cheated. You went to a store.

MAGNUS

I never.

HOLLY

You totally did. I bet you stole it all too!

MAGNUS

Mister Badger let me have it for free! I guess he just liked my face.

SOUND: Arrow swish and thunk

GUARD

(distant)

Brother Magnus! Stand and show yourself!

BADGER

(distant)

That’s the boy! Get him!

SOUND: Running feet approach

MAGNUS

Yikes. I guess that’s my cue.

(heaves his bag back up and starts running off)

So long, bear bait! Ooof!

SOUND: Trip and fall—bag crashes, coins scatter

SOUND: Running footsteps, sword drawn

GUARD

Stay down! Hands on your head! Now!

SOUND: Snapping of manacles

GUARD (CONT’D)

Right. Into the cage with you!

MAGNUS

No way, fur face!

SOUND: Chaos—struggling, crashing, ripping

BADGER

Hold onto him! Keep him still!

MAGNUS

Hey, hey! Hands off, you pervert!

GUARD

Get in the cage! Move!

MAGNUS

Hey! What are you doing? What’s with the leaves?

BADGER

That’s right! Lock him up. We’ll decide what to do with him in the morning.

SOUND: Key in padlock, wooden cage opens and slams, lock clicks

MAGNUS

Hey! Get back here! I demand to speak to my lawyer!

HOLLY

Keep your voice down! You’ll wake the bears. They might decide they want a midnight snack.

MAGNUS

This is just great. Locked in irons and stuck in a cage with a lame fairy, waiting to be eaten by semiliterate bears. And that badger put something down my pants.

HOLLY

I saw. It’s poison ivy.

MAGNUS

That would explain the mild but growing itching sensation.

HOLLY

“Leaves of three, let them be.”

MAGNUS

I’ll be sure to remember that next time I’m being arrested. Aggh, it’s getting worse! This is a travesty of justice!

HOLLY

Well, you did steal all those herbs…

MAGNUS

Oh, don’t you get all high and mighty with me, “Thife”!

HOLLY

That was a misunderstanding!

MAGNUS

Aha.

HOLLY

And besides which, I was starving!

MAGNUS

I wonder why.

HOLLY

I’m not talking to you any more.

MAGNUS

Fine.

Silence.

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

Gods it itches!

HOLLY

We really should get out of here.

MAGNUS

Ya think?

HOLLY

Do your wood-melting thing!

MAGNUS

My what?

HOLLY

You said you learned how back at the monastery.

MAGNUS

I was trying to heat up some food and kind of melted the table.

HOLLY

I see. Got any special martial arts moves for breaking out of cages?

MAGNUS

Yeah. But they involve not having my legs in shackles.

HOLLY

Great.

MAGNUS

How about you? Any bright ideas?

HOLLY

Well… I think the lashing on this side is coming apart. I tried budging it earlier but I couldn’t do it by myself. But if we both rock the cage back and forth…

MAGNUS

Hey, yeah. Okay. On three. One, two, three…

SOUND: Slight rhythmic creaking

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

No, no. We need to be in sync.

HOLLY

You’re going to and fro… you should be going fro and to.

MAGNUS

Whatever. One, two, three.

SOUND: Creaking

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

There we go!

HOLLY

Shhh!

MAGNUS

I think it’s working. It’s starting to give a little.

SOUND: Wood snaps

SOUND: Door, far distant

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

Almost there…

PAPA

(far distant)

What’s going on out there?

HOLLY

Uh oh, there’s a light! I think someone heard us!

MAGNUS

It’s a bear. It’s three bears.

HOLLY

We’re gonna be a midnight snack!

MAGNUS

Go faster!

SOUND: Cracking and splintering

HOLLY

We did it!

MAGNUS

The door’s off. Quick, quick, make a run for it!

PAPA

(distant)

They’re getting away! Stop them!

MAGNUS

So long, suckers! Oof!

SOUND: Trip and fall

MAGNUS (CONT’D)

Holly! Holly, I can’t run in these leg irons!

HOLLY

Well, I can’t carry you!

MAGNUS

Please! Please, Holly, they’re gonna eat me!

HOLLY

Say you’re sorry.

MAGNUS

What?!

HOLLY

Say you’re sorry for stealing those herbs.

MAGNUS

Sorry to who? Badger’s not here.

HOLLY

To the universe.

MAGNUS

Holly…

HOLLY

Say it.

MAGNUS

I am sorry, O Universe. I am so sorry I stole a bunch of herbs from a nice badger who was only trying to make a living.

HOLLY

That’s better.

MAMA

(closing in)

Stop that fairy!

BABY

(closing in)

Porridge stealer!

MAGNUS

Holly!

HOLLY

Hold onto my waist. Oh Mercury, help me…

SOUND: Erratic buzz of wings

HOLLY (CONT’D)

(fading into the distance)

Ow ow ow…

MAGNUS

(simultaneously)

Aaaaaa!

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

SOUND: Door and footsteps. morning birds outside.

HOLLY AND MAGNUS

(suspiciously cheerful)

Morning, Alba!

ALBA

What?

HOLLY

It’s good to see you.

MAGNUS

Yes. Isn’t it a lovely day.

ALBA

I suppose this is bad news.

HOLLY

No, no, we got your herbs and everything. Look!

SOUND: Rustling leaves

ALBA

What’s this supposed to be? Goldenrod?

HOLLY

Uh huh. It’s a… special variety they grow in the swamp.

ALBA

And this?

MAGNUS

That’s ginseng.

ALBA

This is a yam.

MAGNUS

It’s orange ginseng!

HOLLY

Sometimes known as false yam!

MAGNUS

Every herb a modern House of Healing needs.

ALBA

And not, say, a bag of ten random plants you stumbled on in the dark…

(accusing, in turn)

Magnus? Holly?

HOLLY

(beat, then breaks down)

I’m sorry, Alba.

ALBA

(sighs)

Never send a pair of dimwit assistants to do a witch’s job.

HOLLY

I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be your herbalist forever.

ALBA

Please don’t say that.

HOLLY

We need to make amends. What can we do?

MAGNUS

Uh… “we”?

ALBA

Well, there’s a stack of bedpans and chamber pots behind you that need cleaning out. And then you can start rebuilding the pantry.

HOLLY

Yes, Alba.

MAGNUS

Great.

ALBA

Consider yourself lucky. I’m off to Her Majesty’s surprise birthday party.

SOUND: Door slams

MAGNUS

I hate my life.

HOLLY

(beat)

Are you gonna eat that yam?

> MUSIC: CLOSING THEME

CREDITS

ANNOUNCER

In “Into the Woeful Woods”, Episode Three of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:

Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix

Julian Sark as Magnus

and Olivia Jon as Holly

with

Carter Siddall as Helbard Krankel and Douglas

George Bertwell as King Gunther and Papa Bear

Marisa King as Queen Parabel and Mama Bear

John Palmieri as Bailiff Henry and Badger

Abbas Hussain as Jan and Badger Guard

Jasmin Cheng as Baby Bear

and Clive E Milne as the Spider and the Map.

Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.

Engineered by John Palmieri.

Sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Produced by Sean Howard.

Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.

Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.