As Alba and Holly race to cure a deadly outbreak of cranial swelling, Magnus receives a visit from the kingdom’s most feared outlaw.
Content warning: Cartoonish gore and death, bereavement, outbreak of illness and mansplaining.
Episode Transcript
INT. OPERATING ROOM
SOUND: Footsteps and bumping of stretcher
ALBA
(rushed)
Get him up on the table.
PATIENT
(barely awake)
Ughhh….
HOLLY
You’re gonna be okay. Alba’s on the case, and you’re doing great.
SOUND: A thump
ALBA
Magnus, be more careful.
MAGNUS
Well, his head is huge!
ALBA
Holly, hook him up to the monitors, please.
HOLLY
On it.
MAGNUS
What we got, Doc?
ALBA
Patient is male, mid-fifties. Reported a headache this morning, and noticed the swelling later, along with dizziness and blurred vision.
SOUND: A little “tink!” at intevals, like a heartbeat monitor
MAGNUS
Hey, how come you didn’t use the tinky-tinky machine when you were healing me? My injuries were way more life-threatening.
HOLLY
Do we need to anaesthetize?
ALBA
No, but a silence spell would be great about now.
HOLLY
I meant the patient.
ALBA
He was self-medicating with plum brandy all morning.
MAGNUS
That’s what that smell is…
HOLLY
So his head isn’t supposed to be this big?
MAGNUS
What is wrong with him? Is it an abcess?
SOUND: Soft tapping
ALBA
Nope. See that? That’s bone. His actual cranium is enlarged.
SOUND: A scrunching, creaking noise, like something growing
MAGNUS
And getting larger.
HOLLY
Oh, that’s easy! He’s pregnant!
MAGNUS
Uh, humans don’t give birth through their foreheads, Holly.
HOLLY
Well, excuse me.
MAGNUS
See, this is why I have a problem with fairies doing medicine on people.
HOLLY
Fairies are people, monkey boy.
ALBA
Focus, please.
HOLLY
His pulse is strong and fast.
ALBA
So clearly, his humours are out of balance, with an excess of blood in the—
HOLLY
(puzzled)
Actually, the scroll says his humours are fine. Nothing out of balance at all.
ALBA
What? That can’t be right…
MAGNUS
I say we lance the swelling.
HOLLY
You always want to lance things and cut things open.
MAGNUS
Only ’cause it gets results. Once, I treated a guy who had this huge lump on his—
ALBA
(interrupting)
Medicine is detective work. We don’t go in with the scalpels and needles without knowing the root cause.
SOUND: Scrunch
MAGNUS
Boring… Whoa.
ALBA
Still growing.
HOLLY
Ew! That vein in his forehead!
MAGNUS
What happens when it gets too big?
HOLLY
I don’t want to know!
ALBA
It can’t be purple bloat, and it’s the wrong time of year for balloon worms.
MAGNUS
Maybe it’s a curse?
ALBA
Hmm. Good thought. Go and get the Orb of Hydrogenes from my office. (hi-DROD-jen-neez)
MAGNUS
And then can I lance him? Back at the monastery I had to save this monk who got a scratch on his arm from a zombie sloth and it bloated all up like a great big—
ALBA
Get me the Orb, Magnus.
MAGNUS
Fine. Promising young surgeon thwarted yet again.
SOUND: Scrunch
PATIENT
Urgh…
HOLLY
Stay with us. You’re strong and healthy and you’re gonna beat this thing.
ALBA
Holly, I don’t think he even knows what you’re saying.
HOLLY
It’s called an affirmation. It strengthens the spirit.
MAGNUS
Is this the right orb?
ALBA
That’s the one.
SOUND: Magical shimmer
ALBA
Hmm… No sign of malevolent magic.
HOLLY
So what do we do?
ALBA
(beat)
I think we’d better lance the swelling.
MAGNUS
I’ll get the needles.
SOUND: The ominous scrunching, growing sound again
SOUND: Rattle of instruments
PATIENT
Ughhhh…
HOLLY
(to patient)
You’re gonna be all right. You’re hale and hearty, and you’re gonna make it just fine.
MAGNUS
All right, my beauties. Who’s up for a little trip to the centre of the brain? Ten gauge? Eight gauge? Perhaps the one I like to call Ye Old Apple Corer?
ALBA
Standard gauge, number Four B.
MAGNUS
Your wish is my command. 70
ALBA
A little higher up, that’s it. Just behind the ear.
SOUND: A tiny, squishy noise, followed by a splatter of fluids
MAGNUS
Yeaaaaah.
HOLLY
Eww!
MAGNUS
Holly, if you can’t take the goo, get out of the operating room.
HOLLY
It’s glowing!
ALBA
Now that’s even stranger. Why is the cerebral fluid glowing?
MAGNUS
Dunno, but at least it should take the pressure off, shouldn’t it?
SOUND: The scrunching noise intensifies to dangerous levels, and the ongoing “tink tink” is quite RAPID NOW
ALBA
Or maybe not.
MAGNUS
Should I poke him again?
HOLLY
Oh gods!
ALBA
Get down!
SOUND: A messy, splattery explosion
MAGNUS AND HOLLY
(yell)
SOUND: Eerie silence—the “tink” noise has stopped. just the occasional drip
MAGNUS
Did you see that? That was awesome.
(beat)
But, you know, in a really bad way.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Fourth: A Chance to Cure.
INT. RECEPTION
ALBA
I’m so very sorry, Mrs Strudebaker.
MRS S.
Thank you, Miss Salix. I’m sure you did everything you could.
ALBA
It was quick. And I’m quite certain he didn’t feel any pain.
MRS S.
The way he drank, he seldom did. Oh, Arthur. Poor, silly Arthur. I just knew he’d meet a bad end some day… Would it be all right if I see him?
ALBA
Not just yet.
SOUND: Interior door and clanking of buckets
MAGNUS
(passing through)
Good morning. Don’t mind me…
MRS S.
What’s in those buckets?
MAGNUS
Nothing! Nothing to see…
ALBA
(sotto voce)
Magnus, I told you to use the other door.
MRS S.
That sound earlier… He didn’t—Arthur didn’t explode, did he?
ALBA
Well, in a manner of speaking…
MRS S.
It would be just like him, you know.
SOUND: Exterior door
GERRARD
(entering)
Help! This is an emergency!
MAGNUS
Whoa, check him out.
ALBA
Oh dear, not another one.
GERRARD
Are you the Royal Physician?
ALBA
That’s me.
GERRARD
My head is swelling. I need medical attention!
ALBA
All right, hold on to your hat. Sorry.
MRS S.
Is it an outbreak? Are we all going to explode?
GERRARD
Who’s exploded?
MRS S.
My husband!
GERRARD
Is this true? People have actually exploded?
ALBA
Well…
MAGNUS
Maybe.
ALBA
One.
MAGNUS
A little bit.
ALBA
We’re working to ascertain the cause.
GERRARD
I demand to be treated this instant!
ALBA
Please stay calm, Sir.
GERRARD
Do you know who I am?
ALBA
Yes, you’re that real estate man on all the signs around town.
GERRARD
Carlton Gerrard, property developer. I own this town. And you’d better have a cure for this, this… whatever it is!
ALBA
Yes, yes, come this way. Magnus—
MAGNUS
Standard gauge Four B?
ALBA
No. You stay here and… see to Mrs Strudebaker.
MAGNUS
Three B?
SOUND: Door slams
MAGNUS
Dangit.
INT. OPERATING ROOM
SOUND: Bubbling and stirring, plus the tink! noise again
GERRARD
So you have no idea what’s wrong with me.
ALBA
We’re working on it. Now, if you’d be so kind—
GERRARD
I need answers!
ALBA
Have you been drinking, Mr Gerrard?
GERRARD
Never touch the stuff. A man’s body is a temple. If I poisoned my mind with alcohol, I’d never have gotten this far—
ALBA
Just ruling out some possible factors. Any recent illnesses?
GERRARD
None. I’m healthy as a horse. Haven’t missed a day of work in twenty-six years. And that includes weekends.
HOLLY
(hushed)
Alba, I’ve gone through the books… the symptoms are all wrong for brain galls.
ALBA
(hushed)
Damn.
HOLLY
But then I thought, what about a shrinking spell?
ALBA
Then he’d have a tiny head that’s still about to explode.
GERRARD
What are you two muttering about? Get on with it!
HOLLY
It’s okay, Mr Gerrard! You’re healthy as a horse! You can beat this thing!
ALBA
You had to say it, didn’t you?
INT. RECEPTION
MRS S.
It’s a shame, really. We never saw enough of each other.
MAGNUS
Yeah, you mentioned.
MRS S.
It was the show business, you see. He was always on the road.
MAGNUS
Uh huh.
MRS S.
“Strudebaker the Magnificent”. The best stage magician who ever lived. Dazzlioni, Bagatelle… All those younger so-called illusionists, they stole every trick they know from my Arthur.
MAGNUS
But he didn’t do any real magic.
MRS S.
Oh, he dabbled a bit. And once he started losing his audience to those young upstarts, Arthur started hawking crystals and whatnot to make ends meet. Not that that ever worked.
MAGNUS
Wait a second. You said he was travelling?
MRS S.
Yes, he was just back from touring the west coast, down through Mediocria and the Pointy Lands. He caught some tropical disease out there, I just know it.
MAGNUS
You think?
MRS S.
I always warned him, don’t drink the water, and certainly don’t eat the food—that’s just asking for trouble.
MAGNUS
Sounds like a recipe for health.
MRS S.
But did he listen? Of course not. Always travelling, to all parts. Farloria, Balgomar, Eastrise… He went all over the place.
ALBA AND HOLLY
(both yell, off mic)
SOUND: A messy explosion in the other room
MAGNUS
Tell me about it.
MRS S.
And now he’s gone and exploded.
MAGNUS
Yeah. Listen, I gotta get back in the operating room.
(leaving)
We’ll have the undertaker call by your place, okay?
INT. OPERATING ROOM
SOUND: Dripping
HOLLY
(shellshocked)
I don’t understand it. We gave them pinchweed, elm bark…
ALBA
None of the incantations seemed to do anything.
SOUND: Door opens
MAGNUS
Another one blew and I missed it?
ALBA
Grab a mop.
MAGNUS
Yes ma’am.
ALBA
This is awful. Two patients lost in one day. And high profile patients at that.
MAGNUS
That’s a heck of a splatter radius. We should really put up some curtains or something.
HOLLY
Urghh…
SOUND: Mopping up
ALBA
But why these two? What did they have in common besides the symptoms?
HOLLY
Both male, both human…
MAGNUS
Both old, and kinda full of themselves.
HOLLY
You don’t know that.
MAGNUS
Hey, that’s what Mrs Strudebaker said. But more importantly, she says he probably picked up some tropical disease on tour.
ALBA
Really! Now that is interesting.
MAGNUS
See? Detective work.
ALBA
But how would Gerrard have caught it? He hasn’t left town in years.
HOLLY
Maybe he went to a magic show?
ALBA
Wait a second. What was that first thing you said, Magnus?
MAGNUS
Strudebaker was on tour in Melluria…
ALBA
No, about both patients being full of themselves. What if… what if that fluid in their brains was actually ego?
MAGNUS
You mean their heads got too big? Literally?
HOLLY
Oh no. That means…
ALBA
The egotistic fluid!
MAGNUS
The what?
ALBA
It’s only been a theory until now. This could be the first time it’s been isolated.
HOLLY
Oh my gosh it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.
ALBA
What is?
HOLLY
My affirmations. I told them both they were strong and they could fight it off. Oh gods, I fed their egos and now they’re both…
ALBA
I don’t think it was you, Holly.
HOLLY
(in tears)
I’m a bad fairy!
ALBA
Something out there is causing people’s brains to overproduce egotistic fluid. People with over-inflated egos will be the most susceptible.
SOUND: Desk bell, from the other room
HOLLY
Oh gods, it’s another one!
ALBA
We don’t know that yet.
(calling)
Be right with you!
PAGE
(at the door)
Forgive me, Miss Salix, but this is a dire emergency.
ALBA
Let me guess. Who’s sick?
PAGE
Her Majesty the Queen.
ALBA
Oh no. If anyone’s got an excess of egotistic fluid, it’s Parabel.
INT. PALACE
GUARD
State your business.
ALBA
Royal Physician and her assistant to see Queen Parabel.
GUARD
Carry on.
SOUND: Gate opens; their voices and footsteps echo
HOLLY
(hushed)
I killed them, Alba!
ALBA
Nonsense. How were you to know?
HOLLY
I’ve killed two of your patients, oh, Alba… I don’t want to be a bad fairy.
ALBA
Well, help me with this, then. The salve you brought should induce melancholy, and on top of that we’ll both work on deflating her ego.
HOLLY
Both of us?
ALBA
We have to. It was always “me, me, me” when we were growing up… now she’s Queen she’s completely out of control. You should have seen her birthday party.
HOLLY
I saw the fireworks in the shape of her face.
ALBA
That’s Parabel for you. At dinner she had to have a different dress for every course.
HOLLY
I still don’t think I can be mean to her.
ALBA
Just keep your affirmations to yourself and leave the rest to me.
HOLLY
Okay.
ALBA
And don’t let on about the other cases. Don’t want to get her blood pressure up.
SOUND: Door opens; no more reverb
GUNTHER
Alba, thank goodness you’re here.
PARABEL
Alba! You have to help me…
ALBA
Your Majesties. Oh, Parabel, for heaven’s sake, what have you done now?
PARABEL
Me? Me?!
ALBA
See what I mean?
PARABEL
So much for bedside manner.
ALBA
Holly, she’s got the same symptoms. Cranium is enlarged, warm to the touch…
HOLLY
Okay. I’ll have the unguent ready in a sec.
GUNTHER
The same symptoms? There are other cases?
ALBA
(realizing her slip)
Yes. Two so far.
PARABEL
Oh, my head…
GUNTHER
There, there, dear. You’re in good hands. You can overcome this—whatever it is.
PARABEL
And I’m too young and beautiful to die.
GUNTHER
That goes without saying.
PARABEL
Oh, honey duckling…
HOLLY
(sotto voce)
Alba…
ALBA
Your Majesty, we’re going to have to be alone with the patient.
GUNTHER
But Parabel is in a weakened state…
PARABEL
And my Gunther gives me strength to carry on.
ALBA
Sorry, but no. Your Majesty, I have to insist.
GUNTHER
Very well. Courage, dear.
PARABEL
Oh, darling, I miss you already…
GUNTHER
Be strong, my treasure.
ALBA
Out!
SOUND: Door closes
PARABEL
Alba, why do you always have to ruin things?
ALBA
It’s my job. Hold still.
PARABEL
Oh, it’s too awful. Don’t look! Stop looking at me!
ALBA
How am I supposed to cure you if I can’t look at you, you stupid girl?
PARABEL
You see? You always treat me like I’m still your baby sister.
ALBA
Well, if the slipper fits…
PARABEL
I’m Queen now, and you’re not. And you should show some respect. Isn’t that right, fairy?
HOLLY
I wouldn’t know. I don’t get involved in human affairs.
PARABEL
Where did you find her? Are you sure she’s a good fairy?
HOLLY
Okay, I have to apply this to your forehead now… hold still for me, Your Majesty.
(whispering, to Alba)
Can I still call her Your Majesty?
ALBA
It’s fine.
INT. RECEPTION
SOUND: Quiet squishing and scraping
MAGNUS
(to himself, as he works)
The upper jaw connected to the cheek bone. Cheek bone connected to the temporal bone. The temporal bone connected to the… Wait. No, you’re part of Gerrard’s skull, you should be in that pile. Temporal bone connected to… c’mon, where is it…
SOUND: Door opens
GUY
(bursting in)
A surgeon! Ho! A surgeon!
MAGNUS
(startled)
Alba’s not here right now… can I help you?
GUY
I need medical attention, on the instant!
MAGNUS
Everyone’s so demanding today.
GUY
I have been wounded in a duel. Pierced here and here with a poisoned blade.
MAGNUS
That looks pretty deep.
GUY
Are you a surgeon?
MAGNUS
Well, I… yes! Yes, I am the House of Healing’s resident surgeon. So… poisoned, huh?
GUY
Indeed.
MAGNUS
Well, I’m okay with the surgery, but poisons aren’t really my department—
SOUND: Shink! of a sword being drawn
GUY
Forbidden to heal a known outlaw, are you? Don’t worry. I won’t tell. And neither will you. How’s that for fair?
MAGNUS
I’ve got a better idea. Hyah!
SOUND: Flurry of limbs. sword clatters to the floor, then picked up
GUY
Oho! Clever move, monk.
MAGNUS
Nice sword. I like the weight.
SOUND: He gives the sword an experimental swing or two
GUY
Yes, isn’t it nice? That’s why I always carry a spare.
SOUND: Shink!
MAGNUS
Well, aren’t you a tactical genius.
GUY
I hate to boast, but yes.
SOUND: Swords clash
MAGNUS
I trained in the Monastery of Dragon Mountain, for your information.
GUY
I’d guessed by the robes. But by the way you fight, I surmise you didn’t actually train for very long, did you?
MAGNUS
That’s a special technique to keep you off your guard. Haaa!
GUY
Really! I thought it was to get me to take pity on you.
SOUND: They fight, blades whirling and furnishings smashing, until…
SOUND: A wire whips through the air
MAGNUS
Glrk!
GUY
Drop the sword, little brother.
MAGNUS
(strangling)
Okay.
SOUND: Sword drops to the floor
GUY
Guy Van Fleet is the name. I’ve killed two men today, so I have a few to go to keep up my average.
MAGNUS
(awestruck)
You’re Guy Van Fleet? The highwayman?
GUY
No, Guy Van Fleet the scullery maid. You, young sirrah, will find me a remedy for this poison, and bind the wounds. Yes?
MAGNUS
That sounds like a good deal.
GUY
Now, as a little incentive, I should warn you that the wire around your neck is enchanted. I call it a dead man’s garrotte. If you’re wearing it and, let’s say, something happens and I die…
MAGNUS
(as the garrotte tightens)
Hurk!
GUY
…there goes your head.
MAGNUS
Uhhh…!
GUY
Now, let’s see about this poison, shall we?
MAGNUS
The pantry’s this way.
GUY
Good. And remember. I die…
MAGNUS
Hlgk!
GUY
…you die.
MAGNUS
Ingenious!
INT. PALACE
SOUND: Dabbing and squishing
ALBA
Any change?
HOLLY
No… I tripled the strength of the salve, but it’s still not doing anything.
SOUND: Scrunching noise
PARABEL
I knew I should have summoned Krankel sooner.
ALBA
That horrid little phony?
PARABEL
Why did we ever make you Royal Physician?
ALBA
Oh, I don’t know—for saving your life and Gunther’s?
PARABEL
And now I’m about to die because of you!
ALBA
It’s not my fault your head is swollen!
PARABEL
Oh? Whose fault is it?
HOLLY
It’s yours.
PARABEL
(speechless for a moment)
Well, I never!
HOLLY
(steeling herself)
It’s true. You’ve brought this on yourself.
PARABEL
How dare you address me like that. I’m your Queen.
HOLLY
See! And that’s the problem! You’ve let it go to your head.
PARABEL
Just who do you think you are?
HOLLY
I’m… I’m a good fairy who knows what’s best for you… Your Majesty.
PARABEL
It’s bad enough I have to listen to my domineering older sister.
ALBA
When have you ever listened to anything I’ve told you?
PARABEL
You don’t even have any natural talent.
ALBA
Unlike you, of course.
PARABEL
One happens to be the third daughter of a third daughter.
HOLLY
Well, why aren’t you out healing people, then?
ALBA
Good one.
PARABEL
Because I’m Queen, and I have more important duties!
ALBA
Such as?
PARABEL
Such as ruling, and representing Farloria to the world, and inspecting the Royal Constabulary…
HOLLY
But anyone could do that.
PARABEL
I’ve had enough of your impertinence, fairy.
(calling)
Guards!
HOLLY
(cracking)
I’m only saying it because otherwise you’re going to die, just like the others!
PARABEL
(stunned, then)
Die? People have been dying?
ALBA
So much for keeping that under wraps.
HOLLY
I’m sorry, but yes. We had two other cases like this today and they both…
PARABEL
What?
ALBA
Had complications.
HOLLY
(simultaneously)
Exploded.
PARABEL
And you couldn’t save them?
ALBA
If we’d saved them, they wouldn’t have… had complications.
PARABEL
Oh, gods, I’m too young to explode!
HOLLY
There’s no such thing. You… You’re not strong enough and you can’t possibly fight this!
PARABEL
Where’s Krankel? Summon the Sorceror General!
INT. OPERATING ROOM
GUY
Aaaaarghh!
MAGNUS
Seriously, I can give you a local if you want.
GUY
I prefer the pain. It’s good for you. Makes you feel alive.
MAGNUS
How’s the numbness?
GUY
Completely gone.
MAGNUS
That’s good then. The antidote’s working.
(to himself)
Thank the gods.
GUY
Arghh!
MAGNUS
So, close call, huh?
GUY
Hardly. I’ve survived far worse than this. When I broke into Castle Coconella, I slew twelve of the Duke’s elite guards with nothing but a lead pipe, and that with my hands tied behind my back.
MAGNUS
You’re kidding.
GUY
All in a day’s work for the kingdom’s most feared outlaw.
MAGNUS
Say, you haven’t felt any swelling in the, uh, head region, have you?
GUY
No… why do you ask?
MAGNUS
Just making sure it’s not.. something else. Okay, that’s the right side done. Turn this way and I’ll get that other wound allll sewed up.
GUY
It’s “sewn”.
MAGNUS
Yeah, I was just being, you know, colloquial. You know how we hardened criminals are.
GUY
Of course.
MAGNUS
So I was just thinking, if you ever need more help, you know, in future, with break-ins or hold-ups or anything, ’cause I trained at the Monastery of Dragon Mountain where I learned to fight plus a lot of other useful skills such as sewing up stab wounds and splinting broken limbs and I’m also pretty good at mopping floors and… oh and I broke out of prison once! Well okay, a cage, anyway, I haven’t actually killed anyone before although I’m working my way up to it, I mean, I came pretty close this one time but yeah maybe it’s best to leave that kind of stuff to you since you’re the… expert…
A long pause.
MAGNUS (CONT’D)
I’ll just get you stitched up now.
GUY
Yes, that would be best.
INT. BEDROOM
SOUND: Door opens
HERALD
(entering)
The Sorceror General to see you, Majesty!
KRANKEL
Your Majesty.
PARABEL
Oh, Mister Krankel—!
KRANKEL
Doctor Krankel.
PARABEL
Thank heavens you’re here. Alba says I’m dying.
KRANKEL
Indeed. I came as soon as I could. Excuse me, ladies.
ALBA
Not at all.
KRANKEL
Good heavens. This is quite worrying.
PARABEL
(frightened)
Ohh!
KRANKEL
If your Majesty would be so kind as to hold this cup while I fill it with thrice-distilled spirit of amber.
SOUND: Clasps on a bag being opened
SOUND: Flask opened and poured into a metal cup
ALBA
And what is this meant to achieve?
KRANKEL
A proper diagnosis. Observe the ripples on the surface of the liquid. Yes, it appears Your Majesty’s physical form has been distorted by mystical means.
ALBA
We’ve already tested for curses.
KRANKEL
Not necessarily a curse—possibly an accident. Let me see, now…
INT. OPERATING ROOM
GUY
Nnghhh!
MAGNUS
There we go. Just gotta tie that off…
SOUND: Snip of scissors; needle dropped into a tray
MAGNUS
And we’re done.
GUY
Good work, Brother Magnus.
MAGNUS
Hey, any time.
GUY
You may be young, but you could be quite a fine surgeon.
MAGNUS
Well, you know, I—gurk!
GUY
Which is why it’s a shame I have to kill you.
INT. PALACE
KRANKEL
See how the ripples cross now—the sign for water.
PARABEL
I must be taking on too much water!
HOLLY
That’s not what it means! Your Majesty.
KRANKEL
Hmm. Water can also refer to reflection or refraction…
PARABEL
Like a mirror?
KRANKEL
Quite. Has Your Majesty seen anything unusual in a mirror today?
PARABEL
In a mirror…
ALBA
Or glass or a crystal?
PARABEL
(suddenly guilty)
A crystal?
HOLLY
Like this crystal?
PARABEL
Oh, that silly old thing.
KRANKEL
A Prystorchion crystal! How did Your Majesty come to possess such an item?
PARABEL
It was a gift!
KRANKEL
Let me see. Yes, an impure specimen. Very dangerous. Your Majesty wasn’t attempting to work magic with this, I hope?
PARABEL
No, no, of course not.
ALBA
Then how do you explain this little pamphlet on “Your Crystal Clear Path To Prosperity”?
PARABEL
I have no idea where that came from.
HOLLY
Yeah right!
ALBA
(surprised)
Holly!
HOLLY
I can’t stop it, Alba! All these mean words are coming out by themselves now.
PARABEL
I found out how much my birthday party cost and I just felt so guilty… I didn’t want the kingdom to go broke on my account.
ALBA
Where did you get the crystal, Parabel?
PARABEL
I bought it from that traveling magician, Strudebaker.
ALBA
Aha!
PARABEL
I did the ritual from the pamphlet and I saw myself reflected in the crystal, with my head all bulging… I looked hideous!
HOLLY
Not much of a change, then!
ALBA
That’s enough, Holly.
KRANKEL
As I thought—just look at that curvature.
PARABEL
Well, yes, but… Doctor Krankel, this is hardly the time!
KRANKEL
Definitely flawed. Typically one would use it in a spell to attract certain energetic patterns such as money… but an impure crystal can cause feedback, distorting the mental anchor, specifically the spell-caster’s own head.
PARABEL
Am I going to die?
KRANKEL
By no means, Your Majesty. Now that we know the mechanism behind your malady, breaking the spell is as simple as—
SOUND: Crystal smashes, followed by the sound of the magic spell dissipating
SOUND: The scrunching noise
PARABEL AND HOLLY
(gasp)
KRANKEL
—breaking the crystal.
ALBA
Why didn’t I think of that?
KRANKEL
Well, not everyone can be an expert on magical healing.
HOLLY
You lay off Alba, you smug bully!
KRANKEL
Miss Salix, you ought to curb your fairy minion.
HOLLY
Minion? You’re a minion!
INT. OPERATING ROOM
MAGNUS
(choking)
Gack! No, you don’t have to do kill me! I won’t tell, honest…
GUY
I’m a wanted man, you see. I rode seven miles out of my way to avoid being followed here. I won’t be caught because some foolish boy couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
MAGNUS
I won’t tell. I won’t tell anyone.
(the noose tightens)
Honest! If I tell anyone you can kill me, but I won’t, I really won’t! And hey, if you ever need healing after a big job goes down, I’m your guy… Guy.
Pause.
GUY
That’s not a bad point, you know.
MAGNUS
Free of charge!
GUY
Very well, then. Just remember—I have eyes and ears everywhere.
MAGNUS
Gurk!
GUY
And if you breathe a word to anyone about this, you can bet that what’s left of your miserable life will make the fires of Hell look like a vacation on the Meyurian Riviera.
MAGNUS
Absolutely! Fires of Hell!
SOUND: Wire whips through the air as it’s retracted
MAGNUS
(gasping)
Oh thank the gods.
GUY
Farewell, and remember…
MAGNUS
Not a word!
SOUND: Door opens and shuts
GUY
(from outside)
Hiyo Arsenic, away!
SOUND: His horse whinnies and breaks into a gallop, fading
MAGNUS
Thanks Guy!
(sighs)
You’re the best!
INT. PALACE
PARABEL
Oh… oh dear, it aches…
KRANKEL
You see? Your Majesty is already returning to a normal, healthy tiara size.
ALBA
When are you going to learn not to meddle with things you don’t understand?
KRANKEL
With respect, Majesty, I must concur with your sister. These magics are not to be trifled with—
PARABEL
I’m a third daughter of a third daughter! I have the gift!
ALBA
Of stupidity, clearly!
HOLLY
Clearly.
PARABEL
The Royal Physician and her assistant are dismissed.
KRANKEL
Good day to you, Miss Salix.
ALBA
Shove it, wizard.
HOLLY
Minion.
KRANKEL
Majesty, if I may—
PARABEL
You too! All of you! Get out of my INT. bedroom!
KRANKEL
Yes, Majesty.
HOLLY
And Your Majesty’s head is still too big!
SOUND: Door slams
EXT. ROAD—SOON AFTER
SOUND: Daytime birds and insects
ALBA
We’ll have to put out a public health bulletin—there may be more crystals out there.
HOLLY
Do you think Mr Gerrard had one too?
ALBA
I’d heard he was in bad shape financially. He was trying to build a new planned borough on the edge of town but it fizzled. He must have turned to magic to get himself out of debt.
HOLLY
So it had nothing to do with their egos at all.
ALBA
Not directly.
HOLLY
So we were just insulting the Queen for nothing.
ALBA
That was satisfying, at least.
HOLLY
(sighs)
I’m such a bad fairy.
ALBA
Nonsense. Have your wings and skin turned grey?
HOLLY
Um… no, not yet.
ALBA
Teeth?
HOLLY
(she checks)
Still not pointed.
ALBA
I think you’ll be fine.
HOLLY
I still have some good deeds to perform for you. Though I understand if you don’t want me to…
ALBA
Well… to tell the truth, you’ve been a lot of help.
HOLLY
Really?
ALBA
Verging on useful.
HOLLY
Aww. Thank you, Alba!
ALBA
Don’t mention it.
HOLLY
We’re like a team now!
ALBA
Maybe I can still get Parabel to fire me.
INT. OPERATING ROOM
MAGNUS
Brother Magnus, chief surgeon and special assistant to Mister Guy Van Fleet. Heh.
(mimics a whirling sword)
Whuppa-whup-whup! This is a dead man’s garrotte. One move and kchrkk!
SOUND: Door opens
HOLLY
(entering)
The team! The team that cares! The team that heals! Together!
MAGNUS
Oh, hey, guys.
ALBA
Magnus, I thought I told you to clean up around here.
MAGNUS
I was just getting to that.
ALBA
Have you called the undertaker?
MAGNUS
In fact, that’s the very next thing on my list.
ALBA
All the instruments are just lying out. And what happened to the chairs in here?
HOLLY
Are those sword marks?
MAGNUS
Uh…
ALBA
Honestly, Magnus, what have you been doing for the past two hours?
MAGNUS
I’ve been busy…
ALBA
What, having a duel on top of the reception desk?
HOLLY
Ha! And then stitching up the other guy afterward?
MAGNUS
Maybe I was. You don’t know.
ALBA
Is that what happened?
MAGNUS
…no, of course not. Ha. That would be ridiculous.
ALBA
Well, get back to work. This place is a disaster.
HOLLY
Kinda like you! Sorry! Sorry!
SOUND: Interior door slams
INT. OFFICE
PARABEL
I came to apologize for throwing you out. I called you terrible names and behaved like a spoilt child after you’d just saved my life. And I shouldn’t have been meddling with magic, of course, although I was only trying to help our kingdom.
KRANKEL
Your Majesty, there is no need to apologize. It was a stressful situation.
PARABEL
But you were right, of course. It was foolish of me to try to practice without the proper study and understanding.
KRANKEL
And is that perhaps the other reason for Your Majesty’s visit?
PARABEL
What do you mean, Doctor Krankel?
KRANKEL
Do I gather that Your Majesty seeks to… develop her inborn gifts?
PARABEL
Gifts? Oh, you mean that nonsense about being the third daughter of a third daughter.
KRANKEL
It would be a pleasure to help shape such a prodigious natural talent as your Majesty’s.
PARABEL
It’s nothing, really.
KRANKEL
But if I may—why not go to your sister instead?
PARABEL
Do you really think she’d teach me? She doesn’t trust anyone, least of all her little sister. Do you know she says you’re plotting to take over the kingdom?
KRANKEL
How very amusing, Majesty. Probably best not to tell her about this, then.
PARABEL
Oh, gods, of course not. Alba can get stuffed.
KRANKEL
Indeed. Shall we begin?
MUSIC: CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ANNOUNCER
In “A Chance to Cure”, Episode Four of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
and Olivia Jon as Holly
with
Marisa King as Queen Parabel
George Bertwell as King Gunther
Carter Siddall as Helbard Krankel
Abbas Hussain as Guy van Fleet
Elaine O’Neal as Mrs Strudebaker
Robert Frances as Mr Gerrard
and Jasmin Cheng as the Page.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.
Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.