Alba’s old flame Withrow Lee comes to town selling suspicious potions, inspiring Magnus to get in on the game.
Content warning: Cartoonish violence and torture, threats, heights, mind control? and fraud up the wazoo.
Episode Transcript
EXT. MARKET BOOTH
SOUND: Morning birds, goats, chickens
WALLA: Cheerful chatter and haggling:
—Baskets! Baskets for sale, one shilling each!
—Pumpkins! Get your magic pumpkins here!
—Lovely fresh fruit… crangerines and pondapples, two pennies for a dozen…
—King’s Textile. Thirty percent off fabrics.
MAGNUS
(bored)
Hi, we’re from the House of Healing. Have you had your immunization for pony pox? Hi, we’re from the House of Healing…
ALBA
Good afternoon. Oh, hello, Professor Schpringeler.
SCHPRINGELER
Hello Alba. I came to ask: my neighbour has been taking a potion for his lumbago, and I was wondering if you stock it?
ALBA
What kind of potion?
SCHPRINGELER
I believe it’s called Frinozipax.
ALBA
(suddenly chilly)
We don’t stock it.
SCHPRINGELER
I’m told the results it provides are quite astounding.
ALBA
Last visit, I gave you a herbal tea and some exercises.
SCHPRINGELER
Why, yes…
ALBA
And how are those going?
SCHPRINGELER
I haven’t really had time…
ALBA
You people! Everybody just wants a pill or a potion or some other easy way out. Try eating better! Get outside a little. Don’t drink so much mead.
SCHPRINGELER
I’ll do my best. So, do you think you’ll carry Frinozipax any time soon?
ALBA
I don’t care if it cures leprosy and straightens out crossed eyes. We don’t carry it.
SCHPRINGELER
All right then.
ALBA
Honestly, if I ever get my hands on whoever is shilling this stuff…
WITHROW
Alba?
ALBA
Yes?
WITHROW
It is you!
MAGNUS
Who?
WITHROW
Alba, you’re looking fantastic.
ALBA
Withrow Lee? What are you doing in Grandville?
WITHROW
Oh, I’m just in town for a conference. Who’s this kid and why is he dressed like a monk?
ALBA
My apprentice Magnus. He used to be with the Dragon Mountain order.
MAGNUS
Hey, hey, no “used to be”.
ALBA
Magnus, this is Withrow. He’s a… an old friend.
WITHROW
Oh, “friend”, is it?
ALBA
Well, all right, we were more than that.
WITHROW
Boy, were we!
MAGNUS
Okay, say no more.
WITHROW
Back in the day, we were the Diabolical Duo… the Paranormal Pair—
MAGNUS
Let me guess, you met making stone tools down by the watering hole?
WITHROW
Oh, a wise guy, huh? We met at Hazelbrooke.
MAGNUS
You went to witch school?
WITHROW
Darn tootin’.
MAGNUS
Did you learn any cool dark magic?
WITHROW
Oh, I could tell you some stories—
ALBA
Dark magic was strictly forbidden.
MAGNUS
In other words, your school was lame.
ALBA
It was not lame.
WITHROW
Says the girl who dropped out to protest the curriculum.
(to Magnus)
She turned the Headmistress’s chair into a beanbag before storming out.
MAGNUS
A beanbag?
WITHROW
Full of carnivorous Mellurian jumping beans.
MAGNUS
Okay, that’s pretty good. See, why can’t you teach me stuff like that, Alba?
ALBA
You have to ask? Well, it’s been nice to see you, Withrow—
PATIENT
Excuse me. Miss Salix?
ALBA
Yes? How can I help you?
PATIENT
Do you carry Frinozipax?
WITHROW
Frinozipax? Funny you should ask—
ALBA
No, we don’t. It’s useless pap for useless people. Go away.
PATIENT
Oh. Thanks anyway.
WITHROW
Softhearted as ever, I see.
ALBA
Fifty crowns says it’s just elderflowers and molasses. But that’s the power of suggestion for you.
MAGNUS
Whoever’s selling it, I bet they’re making a killing.
ALBA
And if I ever find out who they are, I’m going to stuff them headfirst into a pill bottle.
WITHROW
(changing the subject)
So, Royal Physician, eh? Not too shabby…
ALBA
Oh, yes. It’s great fun running the neighbourhood clinic and the national health policy office, on top of tending to whichever Royal Majesty stubs their little toe. And here I am on my supposed day off, running a booth at the market. And I have to file a report with the Chancellor tomorrow about the state of local witch-run clinics in the countryside.
WITHROW
That’s my Alba, always the overachiever. Why don’t you take a break?
ALBA
Don’t I wish.
MAGNUS
I can take care of the booth.
ALBA
You?
WITHROW
C’mon, Alba! Get some fresh air. It’s market day!
ALBA
Oh… all right. Magnus, take over for me. And no skipping off this time.
MAGNUS
You can count on me.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Fifth: To Market, To Market.
EXT. MARKET
SOUND: Lively crowd
WITHROW
I always love the market. The food, the hustle and bustle…
ALBA
The easy marks?
WITHROW
Hey, now, my business these days is strictly above board.
ALBA
I see.
VENDOR
(distant)
Candy apples, three pennies each! Two for fivepence!
WITHROW
Hey, you want a candy apple? They were always your favourite.
ALBA
I don’t like that woman. She lives with her father and treats him like garbage.
WITHROW
Just this once. Here.
VENDOR
Candy apples!
WITHROW
We’ll take two.
VENDOR
Certainly, sir.
WITHROW
Thanks. Here you go, Alba.
VENDOR
That’ll be five pennies, please.
WITHROW
Can you break a sovereign?
VENDOR
Not a problem. You want it in shillings?
SOUND: Jingling coins
WITHROW
That’d be great. Actually, hang on. Give me four shillings and… no, wait, make that three shillings and twelve ducats.
VENDOR
(confused)
Twelve?
WITHROW
Oh, silly me. I can’t do math. Twelve plus thirty-three and one is eight… so why don’t I give you back one and you give me five ducats, three groats and a crown?
VENDOR
Uh… of course.
WITHROW
Keep the change.
VENDOR
Really? Thank you, sir.
WITHROW
Have a lovely day.
VENDOR
And the same to you and the lady.
WITHROW
(to Alba)
There you go.
ALBA
(amused)
Strictly above board, eh?
WITHROW
She won’t figure that out for hours. Maybe never.
ALBA
You really haven’t changed, have you?
WITHROW
Did you miss me?
ALBA
Not in the least.
WITHROW
Yeah, you did.
ALBA
Eat your apple, you.
EXT. MARKET BOOTH
HOLLY
(arriving)
Hi, sorry I’m late! Hey Magnus, where’s Alba?
MAGNUS
She went off with her old boyfriend. And when I say old…
HOLLY
Aww, she has a boyfriend? Is he nice?
MAGNUS
Say, Holly… have you heard of this new potion, Frinozipax?
HOLLY
Yeah, everyone’s asking about it lately. I think it’s a scam.
MAGNUS
It totally is. We should sell something like that.
HOLLY
You are not selling placebos!
MAGNUS
Okay, we can throw in some ingredients or whatever. How about this stuff?
SOUND: Bottle clinks
HOLLY
No! I told you, we’re almost out of sludgewort.
MAGNUS
So don’t use so much per dose. Spread it around. If we could crank it out in big batches, we’d sell hundreds of bottles. Thousands!
HOLLY
That’s not how the House of Healing works!
MAGNUS
Which is why we’ve been missing the boat. Look, I’ll just use a tiny drop.
SOUND: Bottle corked and shaken
JEROME.
(stuffy nose)
Hey there, Holly. Hi Magnus.
HOLLY
Hello, Jerome!
JEROME
Is Alba around? I need something for the shrew flu.
MAGNUS
Why, if it’s the shrew flu you’ve got, sludgewort is the best relief.
JEROME
This doesn’t look like sludgewort extract…
MAGNUS
(improvising)
Because it isn’t! It’s what we healing experts call an essence. Did you know that dilution actually increases the effectiveness?
HOLLY
(quietly)
Magnus! That’s ridiculous!
MAGNUS
In fact, the more times we dilute, the stronger the essence becomes.
JEROME
Really.
HOLLY
That’s not how it—
(as Magnus covers her mouth)
mff mmblff!
MAGNUS
You’re a blacksmith, right? You know how my fellow monks of Dragon Mountain make their swords?
JEROME
What, by folding the metal over and over…?
MAGNUS
And beating it thinner and thinner. Keeping it lightweight and making it amazingly strong.
HOLLY
And you say I’m full of woo woo.
JEROME
That’s incredible. How come you don’t do that with all your potions?
MAGNUS
It’s a brand new technique. Everyone knows about the fantastic healing properties of the humble sludgewort plant. But it took the genius of Miss Alba Salix to realize that by diluting it, you multi-amplify its potential by a factor of one hundred-fold!
JEROME
Wow!
MAGNUS
Here, give it a try.
JEROME.
(drinks)
Ahh. I think I feel better already.
MAGNUS
See, Holly, he feels better already.
HOLLY
(leaving)
I’m telling Alba.
JEROME.
(sneezes again)
MAGNUS
That’ll be three crowns.
JEROME
Alba never charges that much for potions.
MAGNUS
This is our first premium product offering. If you have any side effects, we’ll give you double your money back! How about it?
JEROME
Well, okay.
SOUND: Coins
WALLA: Excited crowd
MAGNUS
Thank you, my good man. Here you go.
JEROME
Thanks. Tell Alba I said hello!
MAGNUS
Sludgewort essence, only three crowns a pop! Hello there, ma’am. How are you feeling today?
EXT. RIVERSIDE
SOUND: The market fades as they walk; distant seagulls
ALBA
So Withrow, what’s this conference you’re here for? The big magic exhibition isn’t until November…
WITHROW
Yeah, this is just a… sales conference.
(changing the subject)
Hey, want to head up to the bridge?
ALBA
Hmm. It’s not exactly the greatest neighbourhood on the other side.
WITHROW
We don’t have to cross. We’ll just go up to the lookout.
ALBA
All right.
WITHROW
Anyway, it’s not like you couldn’t defend yourself. Remember Scotty Gostrinder?
ALBA
Oh, gods, the “Chosen One”?
WITHROW
Hazelbrooke’s greatest boy hero.
ALBA
He defeated one lousy hydra…
WITHROW
And then he was dumb enough to challenge you to a magic duel. And before he could get his first spell out you up and hit him in the face.
ALBA
Smug little creep.
(pause)
Withrow, why did you have to go and tell my apprentice about our… school days?
WITHROW
Why not? That was our finest hour!
ALBA
Now he’s going to be all excited to learn about dark magic.
WITHROW
Hmm. Reminds me of this girl I used to have a thing for.
ALBA
You were the one always trying to summon demons.
WITHROW
They’re not all evil.
ALBA
No, just most of them.
WITHROW
And it wasn’t all dark magic. Lots of it was just being creative. Remember the sneezing powder in Mrs Saraling’s spellbook?
ALBA
That was a good one.
WITHROW
She turned half the class into slugs.
ALBA
The only time I saw her madder was when you set all the exam papers in the room on fire.
WITHROW
Yup. Accende meum ignem! (a‑CHEN-day MAY-oom IG-nem)
ALBA
Careful, now!
WITHROW
It’s okay. I didn’t do the hand motions.
SOUND: Footsteps stop
ALBA
It is a nice view, isn’t it?
WITHROW
You can see clear out to the Sea of Squidge.
ALBA
Beautiful. You know, I’ve lived in this city for years now, and never bothered to come up here.
WITHROW
Maybe you should get out of that House of Healing more often.
ALBA
I really should.
SOUND: Blade being drawn
MUGGER
Hold it right there.
WITHROW
Can we help you?
MUGGER
Yeah. Put your hands in the air. You stay quiet like mouses and nobody has to get hurt.
(beat)
What?
EXT. MARKET BOOTH
WALLA: Excited crowd—“hey, quit shoving!” “stay in line!”
SOUND: Coins
MAGNUS
Thank you, sir. Enjoy. Step right up, don’t be shy!
BERTHA
I’ll take some of that sludgewort.
MAGNUS
You bet. That’ll be six crowns.
BERTHA
Six?!
MAGNUS
Supply and demand, lady.
ANGIE
(from back of line)
Hey, hurry it up!
WALLA: Mutterings of agreement
SOUND: Rummaging in crate
MAGNUS
Oh, shoot. That was my last bottle.
(to crowd)
Hey, anybody got any empties? Or your own container? Half price if you drink it on the spot!
SOUND: Bottles clink
URCHIN
I got some empties here.
MAGNUS
Awesome. You, sir, are a fine, enterprising young gentleman. I’ll give you a nice shiny crown for ’em.
URCHIN
Make it five.
MAGNUS
Five crowns?
URCHIN
Each.
MAGNUS
What?!
URCHIN
Supply and demand.
ANGIE
What’s taking so long?
MAGNUS
One crown each.
URCHIN
Four. Take it or leave it.
MAGNUS
I’m not paying you four crowns for one bottle!
URCHIN
Oh well. See ya.
MAGNUS
No, wait! I’ll… Here.
SOUND: Coins counted out, scooped up
SOUND: Bottles clink
URCHIN
Nice doing business with you!
MAGNUS
Kids these days.
BERTHA
So if diluting this stuff makes it stronger, shouldn’t we water it down even more before we take it?
MAGNUS
Yes, that’s a great idea. How many bottles you want?
BERTHA
In that case, I guess, just the one. It should last us years, right?
MAGNUS
No, because… it doesn’t keep!
ANGIE
Bertha, here—I’ll give you half, and we can split the bottle.
CHARLIE
Hey, count me in. The more ways we split it…
BERTHA
All right. Each of you gimme two crowns, and come by my kitchen. I’ll give you your share.
MAGNUS
No! That’s not allowed! This is a specialized process done by specialized specialists. Do not attempt to water down this complex formula at home. Home dilutions are killing magic!
BERTHA
Here’s your six crowns.
MAGNUS
Not if you’re gonna split it. That’s twelve, no, eighteen crowns.
BERTHA
Say, let’s talk to Henry. He bought a bottle earlier. Maybe he’ll share.
MAGNUS
Where are you going? Hey! I just paid forty crowns for these damn bottles! Hey!
WALLA: Crowd dispersing
EXT. RIVERSIDE
MUGGER
I’m serious. Your money or your life.
ALBA
I’m thinking neither.
MUGGER
C’mon. All your valuables in the bag or I start gettin’ expressive with this here pigsticker. What’s so funny?
WITHROW
Oh, nothing.
ALBA
Potes volare! (PO-tays vo-LA-ray)
SOUND: Magic shimmer
MUGGER
(hauled off his feet)
Aaaa!
WITHROW
I was thinking maybe turning him to ice, but levitation’s pretty good.
MUGGER
Please! I’m afraid of heights!
ALBA
Mm, this bridge is a bit tall, isn’t it?
WITHROW
Majestically tall.
ALBA
Quite a long way down to the river.
MUGGER
I’ll do anything…
ALBA
Hush, now. You wouldn’t want me to lose my concentration and… drop you.
MUGGER
(falls, then stops with a jerk)
AaaaAA!
WITHROW
(calling down to him)
You ought to be more careful who you try and rob.
MUGGER
I didn’t know she was a witch!
ALBA
(calling)
What does that matter? You don’t rob people.
MUGGER
Okay, okay! I’m sorry! I’ll… I’ll turn my life around!
(he plummets suddenly)
Aaaa!
(distant)
Please!
WITHROW
Ha, look at him. For a second there I thought you were gonna let him fall that whole way.
ALBA
From up here? It’d kill him. From halfway down… well, it’ll hurt, but he’ll be fine.
MUGGER
Aaaaaaa…!
SOUND: Splash
ALBA
Probably.
WITHROW
Maybe you should take up crime-fighting as a new hobby.
ALBA
I’ve missed doing that kind of magic. Whew. Except for the headache and shortness of breath.
WITHROW
Short of breath, you say? Have you ever tried Frinozipax?
ALBA
Tried what? Oh, don’t tell me you’re on the bandwagon too.
WITHROW
I’m… kind of the local sales rep for Farloria.
ALBA
Really. All right. So what’s in it?
WITHROW
It’s an all-natural herbal formula—
ALBA
So is stewed pimple grass.
WITHROW
No, this is the real deal. Not only does it relieve pain, it brings down inflammation, evens out your complexion, and it’s great for ulcers too. Here.
SOUND: Bottle uncorked
ALBA
You make this?
WITHROW
I’m a distributor. I can send some your way if you’re interested. It’ll add ten years to your life. And take ten years off your age!
ALBA
Okay, knock it off with the sales pitch.
(swallows)
Tastes all right. That’s usually a bad sign. Hmmm. You might be on to something, though…
WITHROW
How’s that headache?
ALBA
It works fast, doesn’t it?
WITHROW
Quicker than the caffeinated beavers of Lake Zoom.
ALBA
All right, I’m impressed.
WITHROW
Come by my room at the inn and I can give you a whole lot more.
ALBA
Buy a lady dinner first?
WITHROW
Why, naturally.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
ALBA
So, Mr McWhinney, what can I help you with today?
MCWHINNEY
Well, I’ve got this toothache, and a ringing in my ears whenever I open my eyes…
ALBA
Have you tried Frinozipax?
MCWHINNEY
Tried what?
ALBA
It’s an all-natural herbal formula. Not only does it relieve pain, it boosts your stamina, balances your humours, and it’s great for warts…
SOUND: Office door shuts
HOLLY
Is she going to prescribe that stuff to every single patient?
MAGNUS
Sure sounds that way.
HOLLY
I’ve gotta find out what’s in it.
MAGNUS
Me too.
HOLLY
You are not touching this stuff. Remember what Alba said.
MAGNUS
Figures. I’m not allowed to have a side business. But her old flame comes to town selling junk potions and she’s all over him like mice on gingerbread.
HOLLY
How are those bedpans coming?
MAGNUS
I think this violates the terms of my community service.
SOUND: Exterior door
ABE
Good morning, little lady. I have an appointment with Miss Salix.
HOLLY
It’s Abe, right? Just fill out this patient information form, and Alba will see you in a minute.
SOUND: Office door
ALBA
…so try the Frinozipax for a week and let me know if there’s any change.
MCWHINNEY
Thanks, Miss Salix.
ALBA
Bye now.
SOUND: Office door shuts.
MCWHINNEY
Abe! Fancy meeting you here.
ABE
Hey there, McWhinney.
MCWHINNEY
Never thought I’d see you at the doctor’s office.
ABE
Yeah, got an ulcer, I think.
MCWHINNEY
An ulcer, you say? Have you ever tried Frinozipax?
ABE
Rhinocer-what?
MCWHINNEY
It’s an all-natural herbal potion made from oily sandflower and cheeseweed plus sixteen secret ingredients.
ABE
And it cures ulcers?
MCWHINNEY
Yup, it’s the real deal. Not only does it relieve pain, it brings down inflammation, evens out your complexion, and it’s great for ulcers too.
ABE
Really!
MAGNUS
That’s exactly what Alba said to the guy before last.
HOLLY
This is creepy. I need to test this stuff. Alba!
SOUND: Office door
ALBA
Send in the next patient, Holly.
HOLLY
Alba, what exactly are the active ingredients in Frinozipax?
ALBA
Why, it’s an all-natural herbal formula made from oily sandflower and cheeseweed plus sixteen secret ingredients.
HOLLY
And why are they so secret?
MAGNUS
Say, I hear it’s great for headaches.
HOLLY
Magnus…
ALBA
Yup, this is the real deal. Not only does it relieve pain, it improves your eyesight, adds body and shine to your hair, and it’s great for headaches too.
HOLLY
And it seems to be controlling what you say.
ALBA
Nonsense. How can an all-natural herbal potion have any effect on what I say?
MAGNUS
Yeah, Holly. Say, what’s the cure for rocket fleas?
ALBA
Rocket fleas? You might want to try this new product we’ve got. It’s called—
MAGNUS AND HOLLY AND ALBA
—Frinozipax.
ALBA
Ah, you’ve heard of it?
HOLLY
It’s all you’ve talked about since we opened this morning!
ALBA
Well, it does have a thousand uses.
HOLLY
Can I try a bottle?
ALBA
Absolutely. Here you go.
MAGNUS
Alba, I have a hangnail.
HOLLY
Magnus!
ALBA
A hangnail? Well, we have a new product just in that you might be—what am I saying?
HOLLY
See, you keep talking about this stuff!
ALBA
I hope this wears off.
HOLLY
That’s why I need to test it.
ALBA
Good idea. See if it’s a Moliari curse.
SOUND: Stopper pops
HOLLY
Okay.
(tastes it, smacks her lips)
ALBA
Holly!
HOLLY
Nope, not Moliari. Wow, I see why people like it, though! I feel pretty good!
MAGNUS
That’s how you test it?
HOLLY
It’s my protocol number one! What? I feel fine.
ALBA
That was incredibly stupid.
HOLLY
I only took a tiny sip!
MAGNUS
You know, I think I might have gout.
ALBA AND HOLLY
Gout, you say? Have you ever tried Frinozipax?
MAGNUS
Why, no, I haven’t.
ALBA
Magnus.
MAGNUS
It sounds amazing.
ALBA
Stop it.
MAGNUS
What else does it do?
ALBA AND HOLLY
Oh, it’s a wonder of modern medicine.
ALBA
Not only does it cure gout…
HOLLY
It erases wrinkles…
ALBA
Builds strong teeth…
HOLLY
And it’s great with pie!
MAGNUS
Golly gee! What’s it made from?
ALBA AND HOLLY
It’s an all-natural herbal formula…
HOLLY
…wow, that’s crazy!
ALBA
(nonstop)
…made from oily sandflower and cheeseweed plus sixteen secret ingredients. Magnus, if you do that one more time I will cuff you.
MAGNUS
Totally, totally worth it.
INT. INN
SOUND: Bottles being filled
WITHROW
(hums to himself)
SOUND: Knocking at door
WITHROW (CONT’D)
Be right there!
SOUND: Trunk slammed hastily
SOUND: Door opens
WITHROW (CONT’D)
Alba! Back for more already?
ALBA
Why yes, you devil. And I could use another couple of cases of Frinozipax too.
WITHROW
Can do. Take as much as you need.
ALBA
It’s been flying off the shelves. What a day! I could use a dose myself.
WITHROW
Go right ahead.
SOUND: Bottle uncorked
ALBA
Thanks.
(drinks)
That’s odd. Does this taste funny to you?
WITHROW
Funny?
ALBA
Here, have a sip.
WITHROW
(drinks)
Seems fine to me.
ALBA
It isn’t expired, is it?
WITHROW
Can’t be. I just bottled that batch.
ALBA
So you bottle it yourself?
WITHROW
It’s a secret process. I can’t tell you much more than that.
ALBA
Of course you can tell me aaall about it.
WITHROW
It comes out of a special keg I got from Mister Benvenito. Wait—why did I just say that?
ALBA
Say what?
WITHROW
You swapped the bottle! That wasn’t Frinozipax you gave me!
ALBA
No. We altered the recipe a little. So, instead of selling more, it makes you tell the truth, Withrow.
WITHROW
Alba! I wouldn’t lie to you.
ALBA
For instance, where might I find this magical keg?
WITHROW
Why, it’s in my trunk. Hey! No! Alba!
ALBA
Get out of the way, Withrow.
WITHROW
I… I have a headache!
ALBA
A headache? Have you tried Frinozipax? Nice try, you sleazy cad!
SOUND: Flurry of blows from a purse
WITHROW
Ow! Ow! Alba, what’s Frinozipax?
ALBA
(furious)
Let me tell you all about Frinozipax! It’s an all-natural herbal potion made from oily sandflower and cheeseweed plus sixteen secret ingredients!
WITHROW
Ow! Help! Alba, please! I bruise easily!
ALBA
Not only does it relieve bruising, it brings down swelling, heals up friction burns, and it’s great for black eyes too. Except that it doesn’t really do any of that, does it, Withrow?
WITHROW
No. But it does relieve pain!
ALBA
For a little while—and then it fades. And every time you take it, it does less and less.
WITHROW
At least it works quickly…
SOUND: Latches click, then trunk opens
ALBA
Quicker than the Streaking Cheetahs of Highspeedia. This little keg here? I’m guessing it’s enchanted to provide an endless supply—am I right?
WITHROW
That’s right. Alba, don’t—Mister B will kill me if anything happens to it!
ALBA
Who is this Mister Benvenito?
WITHROW
He invented Frinozipax. He’s from Qwaytox…
ALBA
A demon, then! I should have known. So this “conference” you’re in town for…
WITHROW
I’ve been sworn to secrecy!
ALBA
I assume Mister Benvenito is running the show?
WITHROW
Yes… please give me the keg.
ALBA
And where is the conference?
WITHROW
At the Weird Fellows’ Lodge on Knife-Sharpeners’ Lane. Alba, I think I have the plague!
ALBA
The plague, you say?
SOUND: Big solid wooden smash and splatter
WITHROW
Nooo! Alba!
ALBA
Sorry, Frinozipax won’t cure the plague. Withrow, it’s been fun, but I draw the line at prescribing snake oil to my patients. If I ever catch you pulling this sort of stunt again, I will have you chucked in a dungeon so fast it’ll give the Streaking Cheetahs vertigo.
WITHROW
I’m a dead man, Alba! He really will kill me!
ALBA
You should have thought of that before you started working for a Qwaytoxian demon.
WITHROW
He’ll send me to the… the Home Office… Alba, I like my skin. I want to keep it.
ALBA
You’d better help me out, then, hadn’t you?
WITHROW
Yes, Alba.
INT. AUDITORIUM
COUNTESS
When I was diagnosed with marthambles, I couldn’t look my friends in the eye. But I talked to my doctor about Frinozipax and guess what? It worked, and today I have a full head of beautiful hair again. Thank you, Frinozipax.
WALLA: Wild cheering
BENVENITO
There you have it, folks. There are thousands of stories like Countess Carnelia’s—thousands of ways that you are making a difference. So are you having a good time? Who’s having a good time? Yeah! Yeah!
ALBA
(off stage)
Look at them. These people are crazy!
WITHROW
(off stage)
Keep your voice down! If anyone finds out I smuggled you in here…
ALBA
Your Mister Benvenito knows how to work a crowd.
BENVENITO
Let’s talk a bit about our three-pronged approach to sales. First, of course, is our spreadable messaging—it’s more contagious than the pony pox.
WALLA: Laughter
BENVENITO (CONT’D)
Second: our fabulous incentive program, and we’ll be rewarding our amazing points leaders in just a few minutes. And thirdly, our Live and Learn program. We call it Teaching by Example. Could I have Vin Prang, Alicia Burgestu—I hope I’m pronouncing that right—and Clarence McMainley up on the stage? Come on down! Hey guys. Glad you could make it.
WALLA: Whispers
BENVENITO (CONT’D)
Now. These folks are unfortunately at the bottom of our points ranking this quarter. But that’s okay, because we’re going to make their experience into a learning opportunity for everyone.
(to the three)
Step right up on those marks, that’s right.
(to the audience)
These three are going to our Home Office in the hell dimension of Qwaytox for some hands on education, right now!
SOUND: Clunk and creak
SOUND: Roaring fire and screams of the damned
WALLA: Fear then horrified silence
WITHROW
See! That could have been me!
ALBA
There’s still time. Now get out there.
BENVENITO
Live and learn, folks. But now it’s time to award a very special vacation on the beautiful Meyurian Riviera to some very special and hard-working sales representatives—I’m talking, of course, about everyone in this room! Yeah! You! And you! And you! Everybody here gets a vacation!
WALLA: Cheering, even wilder than before
BENVENITO (CONT’D)
(to himself)
What a bunch of chumps. Where’s my drink?
WITHROW
Here, Mister Benvenito.
BENVENITO
(drinks, then spits)
What is this? I said wood alcohol! This is god damned Frinozipax!
WALLA: Sudden hush
WITHROW
Sorry, sir! Wrong bottle.
BENVENITO
What’s your name?
WITHROW
W‑Withrow Lee.
BENVENITO
Ah, yes, Withrow
How are ya? Enjoying the conference?
WITHROW
Yes, sir!
SOUND: Paper being flourished
BENVENITO
You remember this contract? Signing over your soul and all your earthly possessions to me? Remember the penalties for noncompliance?
WITHROW
I didn’t really read that part…
ALBA
And this is why we don’t do deals with demons.
BENVENITO
Say, folks, according to this, our good friend Withrow Lee has just earned an upgrade from re-education at the Home Office to eternal torment.
WITHROW
Accende meum ignem!
SOUND: Crackling flame
WALLA: Gasps
BENVENITO
Oh, now, Withrow
Did you really think that would work? Burning up one little piece of paper? When I have six more copies filed away in separate magic-proof vaults?
ALBA
No, but there’s still a loophole.
BENVENITO
Who the blazes are you?
ALBA
An interested party. Mister Benvenito, isn’t it true that you and your company can be banished from this earthly plane by saying your name three times?
BENVENITO
Of course it is. But it would have to be my true name. Why am I telling you this?
ALBA
Must be something in the water.
BENVENITO
That drink… you tricked me. Lee!
WITHROW
She made me do it!
ALBA
What’s your true name, demon?
BENVENITO
My name… is Astraxo. Dammit!
ALBA
Thanks.
ALBA AND WITHROW
Astraxo, diabolum! (dee-AB-o-lum) Astraxo, exeas! (ex-ZAY-ass) Astraxo effugare! (ef-foo-GA-ray)
SOUND: A giant clap of thunder
IMP
Hello, Kathmak Mystical Group. My name is Serdikos. You’re requesting the banishment of the demon Astraxo to his home realm of Qwaytox?
ALBA
That’s right…
IMP
No problem, ma’am, we can do that for you right now. I’ll just need you to answer three verification questions for me.
BENVENITO
Aha!
ALBA
What?
IMP
It’s just standard policy. Question one: What school did Mister Astraxo attend?
ALBA
Astraxo? Tell us.
BENVENITO
Well, I would, but I’m afraid I’ve gone and forgotten the answers!
WITHROW
I don’t think he’s lying.
ALBA
You’ve forgotten what school you went to?
BENVENITO
I expunged all those useless memories when I took over the family enterprise. I made room in my brain for strategy and logistics instead.
(scoffs)
Childhood. Such a pitiful, unproductive time.
ALBA
So what school? Braxonic College?
WITHROW
A demon of his rank? Naw.
(to Benvenito)
Was it Creepside?
SOUND: Clang
IMP
Thank you.
BENVENITO
Lucky guess.
IMP
Question two… What was Mister Astraxo’s favourite book growing up?
ALBA
How old are you?
BENVENITO
Seventy-two. Arghh!
ALBA
That narrows it down a little.
WITHROW
“Gertie the Goblin”? “The Sword in the Stove”?
BENVENITO
I’m not saying! I can’t hear you!
ALBA
“The Littlest Unicorns”.
SOUND: Clang
BENVENITO
That’s not true! I hate unicorns!
IMP
That’s the answer I have here. Finally… what was the name of your first pet growing up?
BENVENITO
I didn’t have a pet. I ate every animal that came into my family’s cave!
IMP
Well, maybe so, but it says here you named at least one of them.
ALBA
Remember… was it a bunny? A kitty? A lightning lizard?
BENVENITO
I can’t hear you, la la la!
(then, faraway)
Lizard…
ALBA
Aha! What did your lizard look like, Astraxo? What colour?
BENVENITO
Red… he was red.
ALBA
Did he sleep on your bed at night?
BENVENITO
He… he used to sleep in the coals in the fireplace, or if he wanted to cool off he’d sleep on my pillow. He was the best.
ALBA
And you called him…
BENVENITO
B‑Bloodstone.
SOUND: Clang
IMP
Thank you for verifying… we’ll just go ahead with that banishment now. Have a great day and thank you for choosing Kathnak.
BENVENITO
Wretched humans! You’ll be hearing from our lawyers!
SOUND: A noise like a huge drainpipe and a clap of thunder
WALLA: Shock, turning to anger
ALBA
Good riddance. Well, good news, everyone. You’re free now—no longer slaves to a cruel, avaricious demon.
(pause)
Er… don’t all thank me at once.
FIRST SALES REP
That was our livelihood!
SECOND SALES REP
And now you’ve voided our contracts.
WITHROW
Uh oh.
THIRD SALES REP
What about my free vacation?
WALLA: Outrage—cries of “yeah!” and a growing chorus of “kill! kill!”
WITHROW
Alba!
ALBA
There’s just no pleasing some people.
WITHROW
Ruuun!
MUSIC: CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ANNOUNCER
In “To Market, To Market”, Episode Five of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
and Olivia Jon as Holly and Bertha
with
Abbas Hussain as Withrow Lee
Robert Frances as Jerome and Mister Benvenito
Elaine O’Neal as Countess Carnelia and Serdikos the Imp
Carter Siddall as McWhinney
George Bertwell as Abe
Marisa King as Angie and the Apple Seller
and special guest Tim Ciaschini as Professor Schpringeler and the Mugger.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.
Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.