The marriage of Prince Bulwark and Princess Minsey could bring peace to two warring nations — if Alba can keep the bride and groom alive until their wedding day.
Content warning: Conspiracy to murder, suicide attempt, blood and politics.
Episode Transcript
PRELUDE—INT. PALACE BEDCHAMBER
WILLEMINA
That’s a pretty dress, Mummy.
PARABEL
Thank you, Willemina!
WILLEMINA
Is it for the wedding?
PARABEL
Why, yes it is.
WILLEMINA
Will Princess Minsey have a dress like that?
PARABEL
No, this one is nicer, because the queen has to have the best dress of all.
WILLEMINA
I guess that’s fair.
PARABEL
Of course it is.
WILLEMINA
Because Princess Minsey is prettiest.
PARABEL
What, darling?
WILLEMINA
Daddy says Minsey will be riding a unicorn.
PARABEL
Does he.
WILLEMINA
Did you have a unicorn at your wedding, Mummy?
PARABEL
No, just regular old horses.
WILLEMINA
Oh. Was this before unicorns?
PARABEL
Before unicorns?
WILLEMINA
You know. In old people times.
PARABEL
What’s that supposed to mean?
WILLEMINA
You’re the queen. ‘Cause you’re married and you’re old.
PARABEL
Isn’t it past your bedtime?
INT. CATHEDRAL
MUSIC: JOYFUL ORGAN PIECE
MINISTER
I, Prince Bulwark, Son of King Rockhart of Balgomar…
BULWARK
I, Prince Bulwark, Son of King Rockhart of Balgomar…
MINISTER
…take thee, Princess Minsey, to be my lawful wedded wife…
BULWARK
…take thee, Princess Minsey, to be my lawful wedded wife…
SOUND: The ceremony continues as we crossfade to…
GUNTHER
Who would have thought? Two warring nations finding peace at last through marriage—between two young people who actually love one another.
PARABEL
Who would have thought?
GUNTHER
Goodness, look at them. It takes me right back to our wedding.
PARABEL
Our wedding wasn’t quite this big. And this is just the rehearsal.
GUNTHER
Well, one has to put on a show for the foreign dignitaries, you know…
PARABEL
Of course.
SOUND: Crossfade
MINISTER
I, Princess Minsey of Farloria…
MINSEY
I, Princess Minsey of Farloria…
MINISTER
…take thee, Prince Bulwark, to be—
MINSEY
(accelerating rapidly)
—take thee, Prince Bulwark, to be my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, and thereto I plight thee my troth!
(silence)
I’m sorry, I’m just so excited. I’ve been practicing for tomorrow!
MINISTER
(clears throat)
With this Ring I thee wed…
BULWARK
With this Ring I thee wed…
SOUND: Crossfade
PARABEL
Well, I’m happy to see your darling niece is enjoying herself.
GUNTHER
So am I. I can’t imagine a sweeter, more deserving girl.
PARABEL
Can’t you.
GUNTHER
Other than yourself, of course.
PARABEL
Of course.
SOUND: A shimmer of magic
ALBA
Quidem, illud tutus saltare… (QUID-dem ILL-ood TOOT-us sal-TAH-ray)
GUNTHER
Alba? What are you doing?
ALBA
Just a bit of protective magic for your Majesties. Something bad is in the air.
PARABEL
Yes, I believe it’s that horrid incense you’ve been waving around.
ALBA
A huge international event like this is a perfect target for someone with their eye on your kingdom, and your heads.
GUNTHER
Magical security is already being taken care of by Mister Krankel.
PARABEL
Doctor Krankel.
ALBA
I know. You might as well put the Poachers’ Guild in charge of the Royal Jackalope Sanctuary.
GUNTHER
Nonsense.
PARABEL
The Sorceror General has always been—
ALBA
—always been a power-hungry, conniving rat. And since when are you a fan of his?
PARABEL
I just think he deserves a fair shake, that’s all.
ALBA
I’ll give him a fair shake.
GUNTHER
Alba, let’s discuss this after the rehearsal.
ALBA
All right. But mark my words—there is an evil force, lurking in the shadows to ruin the royal wedding.
PARABEL
(under her breath)
Well, we can hope.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Sixth: Wedding Bells.
INT. PALACE COURTYARD
SOUND: Lively chatter
GUNTHER
Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow, Your Magnificence?
ROCKHART
I hate these ceremonies, myself. I’ll just be glad to see my youngest married off, the damn fool.
GUNTHER
Prince Bulwark seems like a fine lad. Sharp as a hedgehog’s backside.
ROCKHART
Always littering the place with his poetry and depressing us with his terrible songs. I blame the wife, you know. Coddled him terribly.
GUNTHER
But luckily he’s found love at last.
ROCKHART
Yes, I suppose. Minsey’s a lovely girl, for a foreigner. I expect she’ll measure up.
GUNTHER
“Measure up”?
ROCKHART
Perform, you know. Make a man of young Bully. He could use it.
GUNTHER
I see.
ROCKHART
She’s a fine woman. Speaking of which, that Queen of yours—phwoar!
PARABEL
I beg your pardon?
ROCKHART
(to Gunther)
Ooo, look, she’s pretty when she’s angry. So prim and proper in public. But I’ll bet she’s a real tiger in the old royal bedchamber, what?
PARABEL
One happens to be standing right here, Your Magnificence.
ROCKHART
Too bad she hasn’t been able to give you any male heirs.
GUNTHER
Well! We should be getting on. We’ll see you at dinner, then, Your Magnificence?
ROCKHART
Indeed.
(whispers, to Parabel)
Wear something low-cut, eh?
PARABEL
(gasps)
Well, I never! And you said nothing to defend me.
GUNTHER
Dear, the man has a whole army at our doorstep. It’s best we don’t wag our fingers in the face of the hungry dog of fate.
MINSEY
Uncle Gunther! Aunt Parabel!
PARABEL
Oh no.
GUNTHER
Minsey! How’s my favourite niece?
MINSEY
Oh, I’m in such a muddle! I didn’t mean to rush ahead at the altar, but I couldn’t help it!
PARABEL
Anything to get through it faster.
MINSEY
Did you see Bully’s face? When we got to the vows he did that little thing where his lips get squinched up…
GUNTHER
I’m sure it was suitably adorable.
MINSEY
And tomorrow we get to do it all again for real!
PARABEL
Yes! Wonderful!
MINSEY
I’m afraid I might just explode!
(giggles)
PARABEL
Oh, please don’t do that…
GUNTHER
Speaking of tomorrow—I brought you this.
MINSEY
A necklace? Oh, Uncle, it’s beautiful!
PARABEL
(sweetly)
Gunther, darling…
GUNTHER
It was made for your grandmother Queen Ursula.
MINSEY
Oh, Uncle!
PARABEL
(whispering)
Sweetie bear, did you just give her my necklace?
MINSEY
I love it so much.
PARABEL
(whispering)
From our wedding?
GUNTHER
(whispering)
You haven’t worn it since. I thought you didn’t like it.
PARABEL
(whispering)
What does that have to do with it?
MINSEY
Thank you, Uncle G!
GUNTHER
You’re welcome, Minsey.
MINSEY
It’ll go so nicely with my dress! It was sewn by mice, you know. Mice! Isn’t it all just too perfect!
(giggles)
PARABEL
(laughs)
Yes. It’s just too perfect.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
SOUND: Liquid poured into a flask, magic flourish
SOUND: Scribbling pencil
MAGNUS
Colour… asparagus green.
HOLLY
(singing)
Wedding day! Wedding day!
MAGNUS
Black bile levels… twenty point three…
HOLLY
(singing)
It’s a perfect day to get married, especially if you’re a princess or a prince!
MAGNUS
Yellow bile, seventy-two point… Holly, do you really have to sing while you work?
HOLLY
Yes! We fairies have music in our very souls.
MAGNUS
And candy floss in your very brains.
HOLLY
Oh, Magnus, listen to you. It’s a bright, sunny day, and tomorrow, Princess Minsey will get married to the Prince of Balgomar, and you? You’re just the grumpiest thing on two legs.
MAGNUS
You’re right, Holly, it’s such a beautiful day to be stuck in the office at the House of Healing testing urine samples.
(sighs)
So what are you doing inside?
HOLLY
I’m brewing a cordial from the fruit of the rare Gesundephat tree.
MAGNUS
That’s what all that mess in the laboratory is for?
HOLLY
It’s a gift for the Prince and Princess!
MAGNUS
Alba’s gonna kill you.
HOLLY
It’s okay, it’s nearly finished.
SOUND: Exterior door
MAGNUS
Speak of the witch.
HOLLY
Hi, Alba!
ALBA
Holly, where were you this morning? I could have used some help with my protective spells for the Royal Family.
HOLLY
Oh my gosh, I completely forgot! I’m so sorry, Alba. How many good deeds do I owe you now?
ALBA
I lost count at forty. And for heaven’s sake, will someone clean up this damned office?
HOLLY
So was the rehearsal nice? I hear they’re going to have fountains that pour out chocolate, custard and strawberry jam!
SOUND: Interior door slams
HOLLY
Gosh. I hope she’s feeling all right.
MAGNUS
Duh. It’s the wedding.
HOLLY
But everyone loves weddings! There’s cake! And flowers! And cake!
MAGNUS
That’s just it. Remember? Her own lack of a happily-ever-after royal wedding?
HOLLY
Huh?
MAGNUS
Don’t you know how the King and Queen got married?
HOLLY
My memories from back then are a bit foggy.
MAGNUS
And you wonder why I don’t try your fairy drinks.
HOLLY
So, what about the King and Queen?
MAGNUS
Okay, once upon a time, when the King was still a prince, he got turned into a goat by an evil witch.
HOLLY
Really?
MAGNUS
People came from all over the kingdom to see if they could cure him. They tried magic, acupuncture, hot baths… nothing worked. And then three sisters came to the Palace.
HOLLY
Did they cure him?
MAGNUS
The oldest one cast a spell but it didn’t work. The middle sister brought a magic flower from a far-off mountain, but that didn’t work. Then the youngest one came over and kissed him… and he became human again.
HOLLY
Awwww! And that was Queen Parabel?
MAGNUS
Yup. They got married a week later. But the older sisters were jealous because they’d failed.
HOLLY
I guess they must have been. Poor Alba.
MAGNUS
Yeah, well, don’t mention it to her. She’s kind of touchy about it. Probably it was her last chance at scoring a husband or something.
SOUND: Interior door
ALBA
Holly, did you finish brewing that liniment for Mr. Woo?
HOLLY
Working on it! Alba, I’m so sorry about your wedding.
ALBA
My wedding?
HOLLY
Or, I mean… the fact you didn’t have a wedding because you didn’t cure the King that one time. Prince, I mean. Who’s now the King.
ALBA
Holly, I really do need that liniment.
HOLLY
It’s okay, Alba, I understand. It can be tough making up for your own mistakes. I should know!
ALBA
Never mind. I’ll make it myself.
HOLLY
All this wedding business must be such a painful reminder of past trauma that you can’t think clearly.
ALBA
Holly, I think you might want to leave the building while you still can.
HOLLY
But I have to filter my cordial!
ALBA
What cordial?
HOLLY
The one I’ve been making for the Prince and Princess!
ALBA
You mean the orange muck I just poured down the drain?
HOLLY
You just what?
ALBA
I threw it out.
HOLLY
But… but I’ve been infusing that for eleven days! Do you know how hard it was to find a ripe Gesundephat fruit at this time of year?
ALBA
I can’t make proper medicines when all the equipment in my laboratory is full of vile-smelling moonshine brewed by a brainless bumpkin fairy.
HOLLY
Alba! That’s… that’s the meanest thing anybody has ever said to anybody ever!
ALBA
There’s plenty more where it came from.
HOLLY
I thought you cared.
ALBA
Holly, if you don’t clear out this minute it’s going to be very bad for your health.
HOLLY
Well, I’m not sorry about your non-marriage. I hope all your days are filled with regret and loneliness. And no cake. Ever.
SOUND: Exterior door slams
MAGNUS
Boy, some people just have no tact.
INT. PALACE HALL
GUNTHER
More wine, Your Magnificence?
ROCKHART
Don’t mind if I do.
SOUND: Pouring
GUNTHER
Er, I wonder if we might get on to resolving the territorial dispute over the Pointy Lands.
ROCKHART
Dispute?
GUNTHER
Well, disagreement.
ROCKHART
Are you disagreeing with me?
GUNTHER
Difference of opinion?
ROCKHART
What opinion? We propose to hand back the Pointy Lands to Farloria.
GUNTHER
Really!
ROCKHART
In exchange for which Balgomar will retain the right to extract any minerals and mystical energies from the surrounding Loo Lines.
GUNTHER
But the coast is unstable there. The chances of a mystical accident—
ROCKHART
Are two million percent. Or two million to one. Something with zeroes in it. Anyway, if it does blow up, in all likelihood the wind will carry all the residue southward.
GUNTHER
Into Farlorian territory.
ROCKHART
Well, I daresay you lot are quite used to that sort of thing, what?
GUNTHER
We’d also like to see Balgomarian troops pull back from the River Twist.
ROCKHART
We’d love to!
GUNTHER
Oh!
ROCKHART
In an ideal world, of course we would. We’d withdraw them all in a heartbeat. But sadly, we live in a world of whatchemacallem, geopolitical instability, what. A king needs armies.
GUNTHER
But do those armies have to be sitting on our border, Magnificence?
ROCKHART
They have to sit somewhere.
GUNTHER
Surely you have other borders to defend?
ROCKHART
Yes, but those are with our enemies.
GUNTHER
Not sure I get your meaning.
ROCKHART
It’ll make them wonder. “If those Balgomarians have an army like that poised to lay waste to Farloria at a moment’s notice,” they’ll say to themselves, “what terrible ruin could they wreak on us?”
GUNTHER
Ah.
ROCKHART
They’ll think twice about invading once they see how well we fortify ourselves against friendly nations! And Gunther, my boy, I’d certainly call Balgomar and Farloria friendly nations, wouldn’t you?
GUNTHER
Of course, Your Magnificence.
INT. OFFICE OF THE SORCEROR GENERAL
PARABEL
By the rose and by the fern / By the frond and by the thorn / To honey sweet this water turn / By the first light of the morn.
SOUND: Magic twinkling, turning warped and ugly
PARABEL
Oh dear. The roses are all going brown. Does that mean it’s working?
KRANKEL
Perhaps flower charms are not Your Majesty’s forte either.
PARABEL
I thought flowers might help me to relax.
KRANKEL
As I have said before, I suspect that Your Majesty’s natural predisposition is toward elemental magic.
PARABEL
Well, then, do teach me some, Doctor Krankel.
KRANKEL
Of course.
(thinks)
Ah. Your Majesty, observe the steam from this teacup.
SOUND: Tea poured, cup clinks
PARABEL
Yes.
KRANKEL
Concentrate on the patterns it makes as it moves.
PARABEL
It’s rising…
KRANKEL
Indeed. Watch the currents as it rises and… er… forms itself into a small black cloud. Good heavens.
SOUND: A tiny clap of thunder, a rising hiss—then a bang and a shower of tea and teacup bits
PARABEL
Oh!
KRANKEL
Dear me.
PARABEL
Was it supposed to do that?
KRANKEL
It may be safest to finish up Your Majesty’s lesson for the day.
PARABEL
I don’t know what happened.
KRANKEL
Nervous tension may be a factor. To do, perhaps, with the royal nuptials tomorrow?
PARABEL
No, everything is wonderful. Everyone thinks the Prince and Princess are the most beautiful couple that ever walked the aisle. And Gunther’s been kind enough to go through all my closets to save me the trouble of choosing gifts.
KRANKEL
Truly a grand day for our kingdom. To say nothing of its new “allies”.
PARABEL
Ohhh! Those Balgomarians have no respect at all. The things they say about me! I’m Queen, for heaven’s sake.
KRANKEL
But a Queen, if Your Majesty will forgive me, who was born a commoner. The Balgomarians have little respect for any ruler not descended from a royal bloodline.
PARABEL
The filthy brigands.
KRANKEL
Which is a worrying thought. If the Balgomarians were to “consolidate their influence” here in Farloria, they might decide our kingdom would be better ruled by Prince Bulwark and his new bride.
PARABEL
Rule Farloria? Those little twerps?
KRANKEL
I fear so. And there would go Your Present Majesties’ heads.
PARABEL
You really think they would kill us?
KRANKEL
They did it to Lord Ponsling and the Duke of Norwexony.
PARABEL
Something must be done.
KRANKEL
As you say, Majesty. But where to begin?
PARABEL
Well, between you and me, Doctor Krankel… I’m a little concerned about Princess Minsey’s ears.
KRANKEL
Come again?
PARABEL
Some feel they’re too big.
KRANKEL
Surely that’s up to the groom to decide?
PARABEL
That’s what I said. But after the rehearsal I’m sure I heard some of the Balgomarian royals chatting, and they were making the most unfortunate comments. Large ears are considered bad luck, apparently. Something about demonic rabbits.
KRANKEL
Ah. Well, when one marries one’s niece to a foreign prince, one has to put up with foreign folk beliefs.
PARABEL
So. Do you think there’s anything we can do for poor dear Princess Minsey?
KRANKEL
Did Your Majesty have anything in particular in mind?
INT. PALACE CHAMBERS
ALBA
Dead? The Princess is dead?
PARABEL
I’m afraid so. Such a terrible thing. Her lady in waiting found her this morning.
ALBA
Parabel, I’m so sorry. Gunther must be devastated.
PARABEL
It was so sudden. I can’t understand it.
KRANKEL.
(arriving)
I can. This was lying beside the young lady’s bed. An empty bottle of extract of croakweed—a deadly poison.
PARABEL
Poison! Well, so much for all your protective spells, then.
ALBA
She must have taken it herself.
PARABEL
Suicide?
ALBA
No, it would have to have been by mistake. The magic would have kept anyone from poisoning Minsey deliberately, herself included. But where could she have gotten croakweed?
PARABEL
Yes, where?
KRANKEL
Well, if you’ll look closely, the bottle’s label bears the seal of the House of Healing.
ALBA
What?
PARABEL
Alba! You don’t mean to say that you had something to do with it?
ALBA
How could I have?
PARABEL
You poisoned the Princess!
ALBA
Parabel, why would I do a thing like that?
PARABEL
You never liked poor Minsey.
ALBA
Whereas you loved her more than life itself.
PARABEL
Perhaps her wedding was too much of a reminder of how you lost the chance to marry your own prince?
ALBA
That was nine years ago, Parabel. I think I’m quite over it, thank you.
KRANKEL
The question remains: how did the Princess happen to obtain a bottle of deadly poison from the House of Healing?
PARABEL
Yes, how?
ALBA
Oh no.
INT. CHAPEL
MAGNUS
I didn’t know! Honest! She came in dressed like a farm girl. I didn’t know who she was.
GUNTHER
And you gave her the croakweed?
MAGNUS
How was I supposed to know it was poison?
ALBA
Did you happen to notice the great big skull on the side of the bottle?
MAGNUS
I was too busy trying to read Holly’s handwriting.
ROCKHART
The Kingdom of Balgomar demands that this witch and her ridiculous assistant be punished for this injury to our people!
MAGNUS
Hey, now…
GUNTHER
Injury to your people?
ROCKHART
The death of my son’s bride-to-be! We demand that these two be not only hanged, but preferably drawn and quartered, and possibly roasted first!
GUNTHER
This witch happens to be Royal Physician and sister to the Queen.
ROCKHART
It matters not.
ALBA
Your Majesty, I’m sure there’s an explanation for this. I need to examine the Princess.
ROCKHART
In order to work some foul magic on the body, I’ll wager!
GUNTHER
The Royal Physician may examine the Princess.
MAGNUS
And her assistant?
ROCKHART
Silence!
ALBA
Wait. There’s a pulse.
GUNTHER
You mean she’s…
ALBA
It’s very, very slow and faint, but there’s a pulse.
GUNTHER
But she’s cold as ice! And when we held a mirror to her face, there wasn’t breath enough to make it fog up.
ALBA
Well, I have good news, Your Majesty. Princess Minsey is alive.
GUNTHER
Thank heavens!
ALBA
But she is in a deep, deep sleep. Hmm. Her pupils are dilated, and there’s… a silver star in each of her eyes.
ROCKHART
Meaning what?
ALBA
Meaning… she didn’t take croakweed after all. It was cloakweed! Magnus, you idiot, you’ve saved the day.
MAGNUS
Just doing my job.
GUNTHER
How long will she sleep for?
ALBA
If she drank an entire bottle at my usual strength… a hundred years.
GUNTHER
A hundred! Is there a cure?
SOUND: Door creaks open
BULWARK
(a dramatic groan)
Ohhh…
GUNTHER
Your Highness!
ROCKHART
Bulwark! What are you doing here, boy?
BULWARK
Oh, Minsey my love.
GUNTHER
We have good news and bad news, Your Highness.
BULWARK
So beautiful even under this shroud of gloomy night eternal. Perchance might a kiss break the spell and restore to you your precious life?
(kisses her)
ALBA
Your Highness, please don’t disturb the patient.
BULWARK
Nothing! Oh Minsey, why must it end like this?
ROCKHART
Bulwark! Pull yourself together.
GUNTHER
The Princess still lives.
BULWARK
Indeed! Her soul resides now in heaven above, as doth her spirit in my heart.
ALBA
No, literally, Your Highness, she’s still—
BULWARK
But if our love cannot in this life, than mayhap in the next.
SOUND: Sword drawn
GUNTHER
Your Highness!
ROCKHART
Stop it, boy! What’s gotten into you?
BULWARK
Farewell, O cruel world that might make… O cruel world that… oh, hang it all. A failure to the end, I die.
(stabs himself)
Aghh!
ROCKHART
Bulwark!
BULWARK
I die… I die, Minsey. Oh, drat and fizzle, that hurt.
SOUND: A thump; his sword clatters to the ground
ROCKHART
You imbecile! She’s alive.
BULWARK
A‑alive?
ROCKHART
I should simply let you expire and lay waste to this puny so-called kingdom.
GUNTHER
No need for that!
BULWARK
Father, please, no!
ROCKHART
(sighs)
But I grow soft-headed in my old age. You! Physician!
ALBA
Yes, Your Magnificence.
ROCKHART
How are you at healing foolish boys who have run themselves through with swords?
ALBA
It’s quickly becoming my specialty.
MAGNUS
Heh.
EXT. FOREST, NIGHT
SOUND: Crickets
HOLLY
…I just couldn’t believe she threw it away. After all my work! You think you know a person, and then you find out you were actually thinking about a different person. A person who’s mean and spiteful and gives other witches a bad name. I’m sorry to burden you with all this, Mister Moth. You’re such a good listener.
ALBA
(approaching)
Holly?
HOLLY
(wary)
Alba. What are you doing here?
ALBA
I need your help.
HOLLY
What’s that? You need a bumpkin fairy to stand around while you insult her and destroy her work?
ALBA
I’m sorry, Holly. I shouldn’t have done that. Even if you were getting on my nerves.
HOLLY
See, I can’t do anything right.
ALBA
Now stop it.
HOLLY
I’m a bad fairy. And you… you are an evil witch.
ALBA
Holly, you’ve been working at the House of Healing for how many months now?
HOLLY
Three. No. Eleven. No. Do you mean human months?
ALBA
We’ve saved lives, Holly. We’ve helped a poor prince turn back into a frog. We’ve cured people of the shrieking cough and the flattened fifths. Do you call that evil?
HOLLY
You lied to Jerome. You said he couldn’t talk for a week or he’d die.
ALBA
I may have exaggerated a little.
HOLLY
And you hit those two little kids and turned them purple.
ALBA
They tried to stick me in the oven, Holly.
HOLLY
Because they were scared of you! And what about that constipation remedy you gave to the Lord Mayor?
ALBA
All right, all right. But does any of that outweigh the good I’ve done? The good we’ve done for the people of this kingdom?
HOLLY
(considers)
No. But you went and threw out the cordial I’d been brewing for a week and a half.
ALBA
I know. I’m sorry.
HOLLY
Now I have nothing to give the Prince and Princess!
ALBA
Nonsense. Holly, you’re a fairy.
HOLLY
What does that have to do with—
ALBA
And they’re a young, soon-to-be-married couple.
HOLLY
So?
ALBA
Who might be on the way to having children soon. Children who might need a little help from a fairy as they grow up?
HOLLY
You mean—you mean help from me?
ALBA
You’re getting the idea.
HOLLY
You think I could be a fairy godmother?
ALBA
Why not?
HOLLY
Watch over their children? Impart wisdom? Make them beautiful clothes for the ball?
ALBA
The word of a fairy would be a gift more precious than any potion.
HOLLY
You’re right! Oh my gosh, you’re so right. Thank you, Alba! I can’t wait to tell the Prince and Princess!
ALBA
That’s where I need your help. Something’s happened to Minsey.
HOLLY
Oh no! What?
ALBA
She’s taken cloakweed and now she’s in a deep, deep sleep. We have to work a spell to wake her.
HOLLY
Okay. What do we need?
INT. CHAPEL
SOUND: Cauldron bubbling
ALBA
One coffee bean.
MAGNUS
One coffee bean.
SOUND: A small plop, and stirring
ALBA
A feather from the early bird.
HOLLY
One feather.
ALBA
The first rays of dawn captured in amber.
HOLLY
Check.
SOUND: A little glow
ALBA
One drop of the Princess’s blood.
MAGNUS
Coming up.
SOUND: Sword unsheathed—shing!
ALBA
One drop.
MAGNUS
We might need extra.
(sighs)
Okay, one drop.
SOUND: Sword sheathed
SOUND: Needles rattle
ALBA
The crow of a rooster.
HOLLY
Got it.
SOUND: A small bottle uncorked
SOUND: Rooster crow, thin and wavering
MAGNUS
Here. One drop of blood.
ALBA
Smelling salts from the Stinking Sea of Stank.
HOLLY
(holding her nose)
Right here.
ALBA
And finally, a whisker from a cat who has trodden on someone’s privates every morning for twenty years.
MAGNUS
Yup. Good old Mittens.
SOUND: Stirring, percolating
HOLLY
Almost ready, Alba.
ALBA
Surgamus et eamus. (SUR-ga-mus et AY-a-mus)
SOUND: Puff of steam and magic flourish, a bell in reverse
HOLLY
(wheezing)
Wow, it’s… certainly powerful.
ALBA
That would be the smelling salts.
MAGNUS
Ugh. If this doesn’t wake her up, nothing will.
ALBA
Hold her mouth open for me.
MAGNUS
Yup.
SOUND: Pouring. more magic
MINSEY
(sleepy, delicate coughing)
Oh my. Oh dear. Oh, yucky! What’s that?
ALBA
Your Highness. Don’t try to sit up yet.
MINSEY
Oh goodness. Where am I?
BULWARK
Is it true? It is!
MINSEY
My prince!
BULWARK
I was afraid I’d lost you forever.
MINSEY
Darling, your tunic is all bloodied! Have you been hurt?
BULWARK
They said you were dead, my love. I simply couldn’t go on without you.
MINSEY
(breathless)
You mean, you tried to kill yourself? Because of me?
BULWARK
Yes!
MINSEY
Well, that was a bit silly. What if I were still alive?
BULWARK
And you are, love!
MINSEY
Well, then, it was very silly of you!
BULWARK
I am a silly, aren’t I?
MINSEY
You are such a silly.
BULWARK
But I’m your silly.
MINSEY
My big, silly, silly Prince Bully.
(they both giggle)
BULWARK
Oh, Minsey, you do have the dearest smile. My only sorrow is that I cannot see it and kiss you at the same time.
MINSEY
You could paint a picture?
BULWARK
That would be silly.
MINSEY
Yes!
(giggles)
HOLLY
It’s the cutest thing ever. The cutest thing ever!
MAGNUS
Pardon me while I go find a bucket to be sick in.
ALBA
Bring two.
INT. PALACE COURTYARD
GUNTHER
Are we all set? Is everyone alive and accounted for?
MINSEY
Here, Uncle Gunther!
ALBA
The bride is in perfect health, and the groom is healing up quite nicely. And I have my team on hand in case of any emergencies.
KRANKEL.
(entering grandly)
Your Majesty.
GUNTHER
Yes, Mister Krankel?
KRANKEL
Doctor Krankel. My analysis of the residue confirms that it was indeed cloakweed, not croakweed. The mislabeling of the bottle certainly paints the House of Healing in a poor light.
ALBA
My assistant’s handwriting aside, we still don’t know why Princess Minsey took the croakweed in the first place.
GUNTHER
That’s true. Minsey dear, why did you go looking for croakweed?
MINSEY
Oh, that! It was…
(whispers, embarrassed)
It was for my ears. Big ears are bad luck in Balgomar, you know.
KRANKEL
A ridiculous superstition.
GUNTHER
Who told you that? Prince Bulwark?
MINSEY
No, he wouldn’t! It was Auntie Parabel.
GUNTHER
Parabel?!
PARABEL
(arriving)
Yes, darling?
GUNTHER
Minsey says you told her to take croakweed.
MINSEY
She said it was the only thing that would help.
PARABEL
(taken off guard)
Well! Yes! It was her ears, you know. I heard Prince Bully’s family whispering about them behind her back.
GUNTHER
Her ears?
MINSEY
In Balgomarian they’re called “the horns of the demon rabbit”.
PARABEL
And I was told that croakweed would shrink them.
ALBA
Told by whom?
PARABEL
(beat)
It was Krankel. He specifically told me to recommend it.
KRANKEL
I—!
GUNTHER
Krankel! Explain yourself.
KRANKEL
Your Majesty! I said no such thing!
GUNTHER
Please tell me you didn’t suggest that my niece, the Princess of Mediocria, take a deadly poison to shrink her ears.
KRANKEL
Majesty! I did nothing to harm the Princess! It was the Queen! The jealous, fickle Queen!
GUNTHER
What?
PARABEL
Don’t listen to him. He tried to kill Minsey! Alba was right—he is out to take over the kingdom.
GUNTHER
Really.
PARABEL
Gunther, you can’t possibly believe that I wanted to kill your darling niece.
GUNTHER
Of course not.
PARABEL
Guards, seize that man!
SOUND: Boots step forward, swords drawn
GUNTHER
Well, Krankel, what do you have to say?
KRANKEL
Your Majesty, I protest! Clearly this is a case of—oh my, look over there!
GUNTHER and GUARD. What?
KRANKEL
Apodidraskein! (ah-po-dee-DRASS-kane)
SOUND: Big magical zap! then silence
PARABEL
He’s gone! Escaped!
GUNTHER
Guards! Search the Palace. And the Office of the Sorceror General.
ALBA
I doubt you’ll find anything.
GUNTHER
Where’s he gone, then?
ALBA
I don’t know. But I’m certain we haven’t seen the last of Helbard Krankel.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
HOLLY
Morning, Alba!
ALBA
(hums to herself)
Good morning, Holly. Good morning, Magnus.
MAGNUS
Gee, you’re… chipper. Are you feeling all right?
ALBA
Never better.
HOLLY
See, Magnus? A royal wedding lifts everyone’s spirits.
ALBA
As does the chance to say “I told you so” to the King and Queen.
MAGNUS
Aren’t you worried, though? Krankel is on the loose somewhere, probably with a big fat grudge.
ALBA
Oh, yes. But if I know him at all, he’ll be biding his time before he makes a move. And when he does, I’ll be ready.
MAGNUS
Maybe you should be teaching me some magic, in case he comes back and I need to defend myself.
ALBA
I’ve told you, I’ll teach you some magic as soon as you’re done getting our patient records back in order from that explosion.
MAGNUS
Have you looked at our patient records lately?
ALBA
Yes, what about them?
MAGNUS
You didn’t notice anything different?
SOUND: Wooden drawer slides open; riffling through papers
ALBA
Well, I thought it seemed a bit easier finding everything…
MAGNUS
Right?
ALBA
When did you get all this done?
MAGNUS
Oh, in between my seven hundred other chores. So how about it? A little magic training for your hard-working apprentice?
HOLLY
Uh, Alba…
ALBA
All right. I suppose you’ve earned a lesson or two.
MAGNUS
Yeaaah.
ALBA
Go find a bottle of fireweed oil and a box of thumbtacks and meet me in the library.
MAGNUS
(leaving)
You got it, boss.
SOUND: Paper rustle
HOLLY
Alba, these aren’t really in alphabetical order… and these patient names are gibberish.
ALBA
I know. It looks like Magnus enchanted my pen and had it relabel everything.
HOLLY
But you’re really going to teach him magic?
ALBA
No. I’m going to teach him a lesson. Or two.
MUSIC: CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ANNOUNCER
In “Wedding Bells”, Episode Six of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
and Olivia Jon as Holly
with
George Bertwell as King Gunther
Marisa King as Queen Parabel
Carter Siddall as Helbard Krankel and the Minister
Abbas Hussain as King Rockhart
Elaine O’Neal as Princess Minsey
and Robert Frances as Prince Bulwark.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.
Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.