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S1 E6: Wedding Bells

Prelude to Episode 6: Queen Parabel prepares for the wedding of her niece, Princess Minsey.

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The marriage of Prince Bulwark and Princess Minsey could bring peace to two warring nations — if Alba can keep the bride and groom alive until their wedding day.

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Episode Transcript

PRELUDE—INT. PALACE BEDCHAMBER

WILLEMINA

That’s a pretty dress, Mummy.

PARABEL

Thank you, Willemina!

WILLEMINA

Is it for the wedding?

PARABEL

Why, yes it is.

WILLEMINA

Will Princess Minsey have a dress like that?

PARABEL

No, this one is nicer, because the queen has to have the best dress of all.

WILLEMINA

I guess that’s fair.

PARABEL

Of course it is.

WILLEMINA

Because Princess Minsey is prettiest.

PARABEL

What, darling?

WILLEMINA

Daddy says Minsey will be riding a unicorn.

PARABEL

Does he.

WILLEMINA

Did you have a unicorn at your wedding, Mummy?

PARABEL

No, just regular old horses.

WILLEMINA

Oh. Was this before unicorns?

PARABEL

Before unicorns?

WILLEMINA

You know. In old people times.

PARABEL

What’s that supposed to mean?

WILLEMINA

You’re the queen. ‘Cause you’re married and you’re old.

PARABEL

Isn’t it past your bedtime?

INT. CATHEDRAL

> MUSIC: JOYFUL ORGAN PIECE

MINISTER

I, Prince Bulwark, Son of King Rockhart of Balgomar…

BULWARK

I, Prince Bulwark, Son of King Rockhart of Balgomar…

MINISTER

…take thee, Princess Minsey, to be my lawful wedded wife…

BULWARK

…take thee, Princess Minsey, to be my lawful wedded wife…

SOUND: The ceremony continues as we crossfade to…

GUNTHER

Who would have thought? Two warring nations finding peace at last through marriage—between two young people who actually love one another.

PARABEL

Who would have thought?

GUNTHER

Goodness, look at them. It takes me right back to our wedding.

PARABEL

Our wedding wasn’t quite this big. And this is just the rehearsal.

GUNTHER

Well, one has to put on a show for the foreign dignitaries, you know…

PARABEL

Of course.

SOUND: Crossfade

MINISTER

I, Princess Minsey of Farloria…

MINSEY

I, Princess Minsey of Farloria…

MINISTER

…take thee, Prince Bulwark, to be—

MINSEY

(accelerating rapidly)

—take thee, Prince Bulwark, to be my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, and thereto I plight thee my troth!

(silence)

I’m sorry, I’m just so excited. I’ve been practicing for tomorrow!

MINISTER

(clears throat)

With this Ring I thee wed…

BULWARK

With this Ring I thee wed…

SOUND: Crossfade

PARABEL

Well, I’m happy to see your darling niece is enjoying herself.

GUNTHER

So am I. I can’t imagine a sweeter, more deserving girl.

PARABEL

Can’t you.

GUNTHER

Other than yourself, of course.

PARABEL

Of course.

SOUND: A shimmer of magic

ALBA

Quidem, illud tutus saltare… (QUID-dem ILL-ood TOOT-us sal-TAH-ray)

GUNTHER

Alba? What are you doing?

ALBA

Just a bit of protective magic for your Majesties. Something bad is in the air.

PARABEL

Yes, I believe it’s that horrid incense you’ve been waving around.

ALBA

A huge international event like this is a perfect target for someone with their eye on your kingdom, and your heads.

GUNTHER

Magical security is already being taken care of by Mister Krankel.

PARABEL

Doctor Krankel.

ALBA

I know. You might as well put the Poachers’ Guild in charge of the Royal Jackalope Sanctuary.

GUNTHER

Nonsense.

PARABEL

The Sorceror General has always been—

ALBA

—always been a power-hungry, conniving rat. And since when are you a fan of his?

PARABEL

I just think he deserves a fair shake, that’s all.

ALBA

I’ll give him a fair shake.

GUNTHER

Alba, let’s discuss this after the rehearsal.

ALBA

All right. But mark my words—there is an evil force, lurking in the shadows to ruin the royal wedding.

PARABEL

(under her breath)

Well, we can hope.

> MUSIC: OPENING THEME

HERALD

By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Episode the Sixth: Wedding Bells.

INT. PALACE COURTYARD

SOUND: Lively chatter

GUNTHER

Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow, Your Magnificence?

ROCKHART

I hate these ceremonies, myself. I’ll just be glad to see my youngest married off, the damn fool.

GUNTHER

Prince Bulwark seems like a fine lad. Sharp as a hedgehog’s backside.

ROCKHART

Always littering the place with his poetry and depressing us with his terrible songs. I blame the wife, you know. Coddled him terribly.

GUNTHER

But luckily he’s found love at last.

ROCKHART

Yes, I suppose. Minsey’s a lovely girl, for a foreigner. I expect she’ll measure up.

GUNTHER

“Measure up”?

ROCKHART

Perform, you know. Make a man of young Bully. He could use it.

GUNTHER

I see.

ROCKHART

She’s a fine woman. Speaking of which, that Queen of yours—phwoar!

PARABEL

I beg your pardon?

ROCKHART

(to Gunther)

Ooo, look, she’s pretty when she’s angry. So prim and proper in public. But I’ll bet she’s a real tiger in the old royal bedchamber, what?

PARABEL

One happens to be standing right here, Your Magnificence.

ROCKHART

Too bad she hasn’t been able to give you any male heirs.

GUNTHER

Well! We should be getting on. We’ll see you at dinner, then, Your Magnificence?

ROCKHART

Indeed.

(whispers, to Parabel)

Wear something low-cut, eh?

PARABEL

(gasps)

Well, I never! And you said nothing to defend me.

GUNTHER

Dear, the man has a whole army at our doorstep. It’s best we don’t wag our fingers in the face of the hungry dog of fate.

MINSEY

Uncle Gunther! Aunt Parabel!

PARABEL

Oh no.

GUNTHER

Minsey! How’s my favourite niece?

MINSEY

Oh, I’m in such a muddle! I didn’t mean to rush ahead at the altar, but I couldn’t help it!

PARABEL

Anything to get through it faster.

MINSEY

Did you see Bully’s face? When we got to the vows he did that little thing where his lips get squinched up…

GUNTHER

I’m sure it was suitably adorable.

MINSEY

And tomorrow we get to do it all again for real!

PARABEL

Yes! Wonderful!

MINSEY

I’m afraid I might just explode!

(giggles)

PARABEL

Oh, please don’t do that…

GUNTHER

Speaking of tomorrow—I brought you this.

MINSEY

A necklace? Oh, Uncle, it’s beautiful!

PARABEL

(sweetly)

Gunther, darling…

GUNTHER

It was made for your grandmother Queen Ursula.

MINSEY

Oh, Uncle!

PARABEL

(whispering)

Sweetie bear, did you just give her my necklace?

MINSEY

I love it so much.

PARABEL

(whispering)

From our wedding?

GUNTHER

(whispering)

You haven’t worn it since. I thought you didn’t like it.

PARABEL

(whispering)

What does that have to do with it?

MINSEY

Thank you, Uncle G!

GUNTHER

You’re welcome, Minsey.

MINSEY

It’ll go so nicely with my dress! It was sewn by mice, you know. Mice! Isn’t it all just too perfect!

(giggles)

PARABEL

(laughs)

Yes. It’s just too perfect.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

SOUND: Liquid poured into a flask, magic flourish

SOUND: Scribbling pencil

MAGNUS

Colour… asparagus green.

HOLLY

(singing)

Wedding day! Wedding day!

MAGNUS

Black bile levels… twenty point three…

HOLLY

(singing)

It’s a perfect day to get married, especially if you’re a princess or a prince!

MAGNUS

Yellow bile, seventy-two point… Holly, do you really have to sing while you work?

HOLLY

Yes! We fairies have music in our very souls.

MAGNUS

And candy floss in your very brains.

HOLLY

Oh, Magnus, listen to you. It’s a bright, sunny day, and tomorrow, Princess Minsey will get married to the Prince of Balgomar, and you? You’re just the grumpiest thing on two legs.

MAGNUS

You’re right, Holly, it’s such a beautiful day to be stuck in the office at the House of Healing testing urine samples.

(sighs)

So what are you doing inside?

HOLLY

I’m brewing a cordial from the fruit of the rare Gesundephat tree.

MAGNUS

That’s what all that mess in the laboratory is for?

HOLLY

It’s a gift for the Prince and Princess!

MAGNUS

Alba’s gonna kill you.

HOLLY

It’s okay, it’s nearly finished.

SOUND: Exterior door

MAGNUS

Speak of the witch.

HOLLY

Hi, Alba!

ALBA

Holly, where were you this morning? I could have used some help with my protective spells for the Royal Family.

HOLLY

Oh my gosh, I completely forgot! I’m so sorry, Alba. How many good deeds do I owe you now?

ALBA

I lost count at forty. And for heaven’s sake, will someone clean up this damned office?

HOLLY

So was the rehearsal nice? I hear they’re going to have fountains that pour out chocolate, custard and strawberry jam!

SOUND: Interior door slams

HOLLY

Gosh. I hope she’s feeling all right.

MAGNUS

Duh. It’s the wedding.

HOLLY

But everyone loves weddings! There’s cake! And flowers! And cake!

MAGNUS

That’s just it. Remember? Her own lack of a happily-ever-after royal wedding?

HOLLY

Huh?

MAGNUS

Don’t you know how the King and Queen got married?

HOLLY

My memories from back then are a bit foggy.

MAGNUS

And you wonder why I don’t try your fairy drinks.

HOLLY

So, what about the King and Queen?

MAGNUS

Okay, once upon a time, when the King was still a prince, he got turned into a goat by an evil witch.

HOLLY

Really?

MAGNUS

People came from all over the kingdom to see if they could cure him. They tried magic, acupuncture, hot baths… nothing worked. And then three sisters came to the Palace.

HOLLY

Did they cure him?

MAGNUS

The oldest one cast a spell but it didn’t work. The middle sister brought a magic flower from a far-off mountain, but that didn’t work. Then the youngest one came over and kissed him… and he became human again.

HOLLY

Awwww! And that was Queen Parabel?

MAGNUS

Yup. They got married a week later. But the older sisters were jealous because they’d failed.

HOLLY

I guess they must have been. Poor Alba.

MAGNUS

Yeah, well, don’t mention it to her. She’s kind of touchy about it. Probably it was her last chance at scoring a husband or something.

SOUND: Interior door

ALBA

Holly, did you finish brewing that liniment for Mr. Woo?

HOLLY

Working on it! Alba, I’m so sorry about your wedding.

ALBA

My wedding?

HOLLY

Or, I mean… the fact you didn’t have a wedding because you didn’t cure the King that one time. Prince, I mean. Who’s now the King.

ALBA

Holly, I really do need that liniment.

HOLLY

It’s okay, Alba, I understand. It can be tough making up for your own mistakes. I should know!

ALBA

Never mind. I’ll make it myself.

HOLLY

All this wedding business must be such a painful reminder of past trauma that you can’t think clearly.

ALBA

Holly, I think you might want to leave the building while you still can.

HOLLY

But I have to filter my cordial!

ALBA

What cordial?

HOLLY

The one I’ve been making for the Prince and Princess!

ALBA

You mean the orange muck I just poured down the drain?

HOLLY

You just what?

ALBA

I threw it out.

HOLLY

But… but I’ve been infusing that for eleven days! Do you know how hard it was to find a ripe Gesundephat fruit at this time of year?

ALBA

I can’t make proper medicines when all the equipment in my laboratory is full of vile-smelling moonshine brewed by a brainless bumpkin fairy.

HOLLY

Alba! That’s… that’s the meanest thing anybody has ever said to anybody ever!

ALBA

There’s plenty more where it came from.

HOLLY

I thought you cared.

ALBA

Holly, if you don’t clear out this minute it’s going to be very bad for your health.

HOLLY

Well, I’m not sorry about your non-marriage. I hope all your days are filled with regret and loneliness. And no cake. Ever.

SOUND: Exterior door slams

MAGNUS

Boy, some people just have no tact.

INT. PALACE HALL

GUNTHER

More wine, Your Magnificence?

ROCKHART

Don’t mind if I do.

SOUND: Pouring

GUNTHER

Er, I wonder if we might get on to resolving the territorial dispute over the Pointy Lands.

ROCKHART

Dispute?

GUNTHER

Well, disagreement.

ROCKHART

Are you disagreeing with me?

GUNTHER

Difference of opinion?

ROCKHART

What opinion? We propose to hand back the Pointy Lands to Farloria.

GUNTHER

Really!

ROCKHART

In exchange for which Balgomar will retain the right to extract any minerals and mystical energies from the surrounding Loo Lines.

GUNTHER

But the coast is unstable there. The chances of a mystical accident—

ROCKHART

Are two million percent. Or two million to one. Something with zeroes in it. Anyway, if it does blow up, in all likelihood the wind will carry all the residue southward.

GUNTHER

Into Farlorian territory.

ROCKHART

Well, I daresay you lot are quite used to that sort of thing, what?

GUNTHER

We’d also like to see Balgomarian troops pull back from the River Twist.

ROCKHART

We’d love to!

GUNTHER

Oh!

ROCKHART

In an ideal world, of course we would. We’d withdraw them all in a heartbeat. But sadly, we live in a world of whatchemacallem, geopolitical instability, what. A king needs armies.

GUNTHER

But do those armies have to be sitting on our border, Magnificence?

ROCKHART

They have to sit somewhere.

GUNTHER

Surely you have other borders to defend?

ROCKHART

Yes, but those are with our enemies.

GUNTHER

Not sure I get your meaning.

ROCKHART

It’ll make them wonder. “If those Balgomarians have an army like that poised to lay waste to Farloria at a moment’s notice,” they’ll say to themselves, “what terrible ruin could they wreak on us?”

GUNTHER

Ah.

ROCKHART

They’ll think twice about invading once they see how well we fortify ourselves against friendly nations! And Gunther, my boy, I’d certainly call Balgomar and Farloria friendly nations, wouldn’t you?

GUNTHER

Of course, Your Magnificence.

INT. OFFICE OF THE SORCEROR GENERAL

PARABEL

By the rose and by the fern / By the frond and by the thorn / To honey sweet this water turn / By the first light of the morn.

SOUND: Magic twinkling, turning warped and ugly

PARABEL

Oh dear. The roses are all going brown. Does that mean it’s working?

KRANKEL

Perhaps flower charms are not Your Majesty’s forte either.

PARABEL

I thought flowers might help me to relax.

KRANKEL

As I have said before, I suspect that Your Majesty’s natural predisposition is toward elemental magic.

PARABEL

Well, then, do teach me some, Doctor Krankel.

KRANKEL

Of course.

(thinks)

Ah. Your Majesty, observe the steam from this teacup.

SOUND: Tea poured, cup clinks

PARABEL

Yes.

KRANKEL

Concentrate on the patterns it makes as it moves.

PARABEL

It’s rising…

KRANKEL

Indeed. Watch the currents as it rises and… er… forms itself into a small black cloud. Good heavens.

SOUND: A tiny clap of thunder, a rising hiss—then a bang and a shower of tea and teacup bits

PARABEL

Oh!

KRANKEL

Dear me.

PARABEL

Was it supposed to do that?

KRANKEL

It may be safest to finish up Your Majesty’s lesson for the day.

PARABEL

I don’t know what happened.

KRANKEL

Nervous tension may be a factor. To do, perhaps, with the royal nuptials tomorrow?

PARABEL

No, everything is wonderful. Everyone thinks the Prince and Princess are the most beautiful couple that ever walked the aisle. And Gunther’s been kind enough to go through all my closets to save me the trouble of choosing gifts.

KRANKEL

Truly a grand day for our kingdom. To say nothing of its new “allies”.

PARABEL

Ohhh! Those Balgomarians have no respect at all. The things they say about me! I’m Queen, for heaven’s sake.

KRANKEL

But a Queen, if Your Majesty will forgive me, who was born a commoner. The Balgomarians have little respect for any ruler not descended from a royal bloodline.

PARABEL

The filthy brigands.

KRANKEL

Which is a worrying thought. If the Balgomarians were to “consolidate their influence” here in Farloria, they might decide our kingdom would be better ruled by Prince Bulwark and his new bride.

PARABEL

Rule Farloria? Those little twerps?

KRANKEL

I fear so. And there would go Your Present Majesties’ heads.

PARABEL

You really think they would kill us?

KRANKEL

They did it to Lord Ponsling and the Duke of Norwexony.

PARABEL

Something must be done.

KRANKEL

As you say, Majesty. But where to begin?

PARABEL

Well, between you and me, Doctor Krankel… I’m a little concerned about Princess Minsey’s ears.

KRANKEL

Come again?

PARABEL

Some feel they’re too big.

KRANKEL

Surely that’s up to the groom to decide?

PARABEL

That’s what I said. But after the rehearsal I’m sure I heard some of the Balgomarian royals chatting, and they were making the most unfortunate comments. Large ears are considered bad luck, apparently. Something about demonic rabbits.

KRANKEL

Ah. Well, when one marries one’s niece to a foreign prince, one has to put up with foreign folk beliefs.

PARABEL

So. Do you think there’s anything we can do for poor dear Princess Minsey?

KRANKEL

Did Your Majesty have anything in particular in mind?

INT. PALACE CHAMBERS

ALBA

Dead? The Princess is dead?

PARABEL

I’m afraid so. Such a terrible thing. Her lady in waiting found her this morning.

ALBA

Parabel, I’m so sorry. Gunther must be devastated.

PARABEL

It was so sudden. I can’t understand it.

KRANKEL.

(arriving)

I can. This was lying beside the young lady’s bed. An empty bottle of extract of croakweed—a deadly poison.

PARABEL

Poison! Well, so much for all your protective spells, then.

ALBA

She must have taken it herself.

PARABEL

Suicide?

ALBA

No, it would have to have been by mistake. The magic would have kept anyone from poisoning Minsey deliberately, herself included. But where could she have gotten croakweed?

PARABEL

Yes, where?

KRANKEL

Well, if you’ll look closely, the bottle’s label bears the seal of the House of Healing.

ALBA

What?

PARABEL

Alba! You don’t mean to say that you had something to do with it?

ALBA

How could I have?

PARABEL

You poisoned the Princess!

ALBA

Parabel, why would I do a thing like that?

PARABEL

You never liked poor Minsey.

ALBA

Whereas you loved her more than life itself.

PARABEL

Perhaps her wedding was too much of a reminder of how you lost the chance to marry your own prince?

ALBA

That was nine years ago, Parabel. I think I’m quite over it, thank you.

KRANKEL

The question remains: how did the Princess happen to obtain a bottle of deadly poison from the House of Healing?

PARABEL

Yes, how?

ALBA

Oh no.

INT. CHAPEL

MAGNUS

I didn’t know! Honest! She came in dressed like a farm girl. I didn’t know who she was.

GUNTHER

And you gave her the croakweed?

MAGNUS

How was I supposed to know it was poison?

ALBA

Did you happen to notice the great big skull on the side of the bottle?

MAGNUS

I was too busy trying to read Holly’s handwriting.

ROCKHART

The Kingdom of Balgomar demands that this witch and her ridiculous assistant be punished for this injury to our people!

MAGNUS

Hey, now…

GUNTHER

Injury to your people?

ROCKHART

The death of my son’s bride-to-be! We demand that these two be not only hanged, but preferably drawn and quartered, and possibly roasted first!

GUNTHER

This witch happens to be Royal Physician and sister to the Queen.

ROCKHART

It matters not.

ALBA

Your Majesty, I’m sure there’s an explanation for this. I need to examine the Princess.

ROCKHART

In order to work some foul magic on the body, I’ll wager!

GUNTHER

The Royal Physician may examine the Princess.

MAGNUS

And her assistant?

ROCKHART

Silence!

ALBA

Wait. There’s a pulse.

GUNTHER

You mean she’s…

ALBA

It’s very, very slow and faint, but there’s a pulse.

GUNTHER

But she’s cold as ice! And when we held a mirror to her face, there wasn’t breath enough to make it fog up.

ALBA

Well, I have good news, Your Majesty. Princess Minsey is alive.

GUNTHER

Thank heavens!

ALBA

But she is in a deep, deep sleep. Hmm. Her pupils are dilated, and there’s… a silver star in each of her eyes.

ROCKHART

Meaning what?

ALBA

Meaning… she didn’t take croakweed after all. It was cloakweed! Magnus, you idiot, you’ve saved the day.

MAGNUS

Just doing my job.

GUNTHER

How long will she sleep for?

ALBA

If she drank an entire bottle at my usual strength… a hundred years.

GUNTHER

A hundred! Is there a cure?

SOUND: Door creaks open

BULWARK

(a dramatic groan)

Ohhh…

GUNTHER

Your Highness!

ROCKHART

Bulwark! What are you doing here, boy?

BULWARK

Oh, Minsey my love.

GUNTHER

We have good news and bad news, Your Highness.

BULWARK

So beautiful even under this shroud of gloomy night eternal. Perchance might a kiss break the spell and restore to you your precious life?

(kisses her)

ALBA

Your Highness, please don’t disturb the patient.

BULWARK

Nothing! Oh Minsey, why must it end like this?

ROCKHART

Bulwark! Pull yourself together.

GUNTHER

The Princess still lives.

BULWARK

Indeed! Her soul resides now in heaven above, as doth her spirit in my heart.

ALBA

No, literally, Your Highness, she’s still—

BULWARK

But if our love cannot in this life, than mayhap in the next.

SOUND: Sword drawn

GUNTHER

Your Highness!

ROCKHART

Stop it, boy! What’s gotten into you?

BULWARK

Farewell, O cruel world that might make… O cruel world that… oh, hang it all. A failure to the end, I die.

(stabs himself)

Aghh!

ROCKHART

Bulwark!

BULWARK

I die… I die, Minsey. Oh, drat and fizzle, that hurt.

SOUND: A thump; his sword clatters to the ground

ROCKHART

You imbecile! She’s alive.

BULWARK

A-alive?

ROCKHART

I should simply let you expire and lay waste to this puny so-called kingdom.

GUNTHER

No need for that!

BULWARK

Father, please, no!

ROCKHART

(sighs)

But I grow soft-headed in my old age. You! Physician!

ALBA

Yes, Your Magnificence.

ROCKHART

How are you at healing foolish boys who have run themselves through with swords?

ALBA

It’s quickly becoming my specialty.

MAGNUS

Heh.

EXT. FOREST, NIGHT

SOUND: Crickets

HOLLY

…I just couldn’t believe she threw it away. After all my work! You think you know a person, and then you find out you were actually thinking about a different person. A person who’s mean and spiteful and gives other witches a bad name. I’m sorry to burden you with all this, Mister Moth. You’re such a good listener.

ALBA

(approaching)

Holly?

HOLLY

(wary)

Alba. What are you doing here?

ALBA

I need your help.

HOLLY

What’s that? You need a bumpkin fairy to stand around while you insult her and destroy her work?

ALBA

I’m sorry, Holly. I shouldn’t have done that. Even if you were getting on my nerves.

HOLLY

See, I can’t do anything right.

ALBA

Now stop it.

HOLLY

I’m a bad fairy. And you… you are an evil witch.

ALBA

Holly, you’ve been working at the House of Healing for how many months now?

HOLLY

Three. No. Eleven. No. Do you mean human months?

ALBA

We’ve saved lives, Holly. We’ve helped a poor prince turn back into a frog. We’ve cured people of the shrieking cough and the flattened fifths. Do you call that evil?

HOLLY

You lied to Jerome. You said he couldn’t talk for a week or he’d die.

ALBA

I may have exaggerated a little.

HOLLY

And you hit those two little kids and turned them purple.

ALBA

They tried to stick me in the oven, Holly.

HOLLY

Because they were scared of you! And what about that constipation remedy you gave to the Lord Mayor?

ALBA

All right, all right. But does any of that outweigh the good I’ve done? The good we’ve done for the people of this kingdom?

HOLLY

(considers)

No. But you went and threw out the cordial I’d been brewing for a week and a half.

ALBA

I know. I’m sorry.

HOLLY

Now I have nothing to give the Prince and Princess!

ALBA

Nonsense. Holly, you’re a fairy.

HOLLY

What does that have to do with—

ALBA

And they’re a young, soon-to-be-married couple.

HOLLY

So?

ALBA

Who might be on the way to having children soon. Children who might need a little help from a fairy as they grow up?

HOLLY

You mean—you mean help from me?

ALBA

You’re getting the idea.

HOLLY

You think I could be a fairy godmother?

ALBA

Why not?

HOLLY

Watch over their children? Impart wisdom? Make them beautiful clothes for the ball?

ALBA

The word of a fairy would be a gift more precious than any potion.

HOLLY

You’re right! Oh my gosh, you’re so right. Thank you, Alba! I can’t wait to tell the Prince and Princess!

ALBA

That’s where I need your help. Something’s happened to Minsey.

HOLLY

Oh no! What?

ALBA

She’s taken cloakweed and now she’s in a deep, deep sleep. We have to work a spell to wake her.

HOLLY

Okay. What do we need?

INT. CHAPEL

SOUND: Cauldron bubbling

ALBA

One coffee bean.

MAGNUS

One coffee bean.

SOUND: A small plop, and stirring

ALBA

A feather from the early bird.

HOLLY

One feather.

ALBA

The first rays of dawn captured in amber.

HOLLY

Check.

SOUND: A little glow

ALBA

One drop of the Princess’s blood.

MAGNUS

Coming up.

SOUND: Sword unsheathed—shing!

ALBA

One drop.

MAGNUS

We might need extra.

(sighs)

Okay, one drop.

SOUND: Sword sheathed

SOUND: Needles rattle

ALBA

The crow of a rooster.

HOLLY

Got it.

SOUND: A small bottle uncorked

SOUND: Rooster crow, thin and wavering

MAGNUS

Here. One drop of blood.

ALBA

Smelling salts from the Stinking Sea of Stank.

HOLLY

(holding her nose)

Right here.

ALBA

And finally, a whisker from a cat who has trodden on someone’s privates every morning for twenty years.

MAGNUS

Yup. Good old Mittens.

SOUND: Stirring, percolating

HOLLY

Almost ready, Alba.

ALBA

Surgamus et eamus. (SUR-ga-mus et AY-a-mus)

SOUND: Puff of steam and magic flourish, a bell in reverse

HOLLY

(wheezing)

Wow, it’s… certainly powerful.

ALBA

That would be the smelling salts.

MAGNUS

Ugh. If this doesn’t wake her up, nothing will.

ALBA

Hold her mouth open for me.

MAGNUS

Yup.

SOUND: Pouring. more magic

MINSEY

(sleepy, delicate coughing)

Oh my. Oh dear. Oh, yucky! What’s that?

ALBA

Your Highness. Don’t try to sit up yet.

MINSEY

Oh goodness. Where am I?

BULWARK

Is it true? It is!

MINSEY

My prince!

BULWARK

I was afraid I’d lost you forever.

MINSEY

Darling, your tunic is all bloodied! Have you been hurt?

BULWARK

They said you were dead, my love. I simply couldn’t go on without you.

MINSEY

(breathless)

You mean, you tried to kill yourself? Because of me?

BULWARK

Yes!

MINSEY

Well, that was a bit silly. What if I were still alive?

BULWARK

And you are, love!

MINSEY

Well, then, it was very silly of you!

BULWARK

I am a silly, aren’t I?

MINSEY

You are such a silly.

BULWARK

But I’m your silly.

MINSEY

My big, silly, silly Prince Bully.

(they both giggle)

BULWARK

Oh, Minsey, you do have the dearest smile. My only sorrow is that I cannot see it and kiss you at the same time.

MINSEY

You could paint a picture?

BULWARK

That would be silly.

MINSEY

Yes!

(giggles)

HOLLY

It’s the cutest thing ever. The cutest thing ever!

MAGNUS

Pardon me while I go find a bucket to be sick in.

ALBA

Bring two.

INT. PALACE COURTYARD

GUNTHER

Are we all set? Is everyone alive and accounted for?

MINSEY

Here, Uncle Gunther!

ALBA

The bride is in perfect health, and the groom is healing up quite nicely. And I have my team on hand in case of any emergencies.

KRANKEL.

(entering grandly)

Your Majesty.

GUNTHER

Yes, Mister Krankel?

KRANKEL

Doctor Krankel. My analysis of the residue confirms that it was indeed cloakweed, not croakweed. The mislabeling of the bottle certainly paints the House of Healing in a poor light.

ALBA

My assistant’s handwriting aside, we still don’t know why Princess Minsey took the croakweed in the first place.

GUNTHER

That’s true. Minsey dear, why did you go looking for croakweed?

MINSEY

Oh, that! It was…

(whispers, embarrassed)

It was for my ears. Big ears are bad luck in Balgomar, you know.

KRANKEL

A ridiculous superstition.

GUNTHER

Who told you that? Prince Bulwark?

MINSEY

No, he wouldn’t! It was Auntie Parabel.

GUNTHER

Parabel?!

PARABEL

(arriving)

Yes, darling?

GUNTHER

Minsey says you told her to take croakweed.

MINSEY

She said it was the only thing that would help.

PARABEL

(taken off guard)

Well! Yes! It was her ears, you know. I heard Prince Bully’s family whispering about them behind her back.

GUNTHER

Her ears?

MINSEY

In Balgomarian they’re called “the horns of the demon rabbit”.

PARABEL

And I was told that croakweed would shrink them.

ALBA

Told by whom?

PARABEL

(beat)

It was Krankel. He specifically told me to recommend it.

KRANKEL

I—!

GUNTHER

Krankel! Explain yourself.

KRANKEL

Your Majesty! I said no such thing!

GUNTHER

Please tell me you didn’t suggest that my niece, the Princess of Mediocria, take a deadly poison to shrink her ears.

KRANKEL

Majesty! I did nothing to harm the Princess! It was the Queen! The jealous, fickle Queen!

GUNTHER

What?

PARABEL

Don’t listen to him. He tried to kill Minsey! Alba was right—he is out to take over the kingdom.

GUNTHER

Really.

PARABEL

Gunther, you can’t possibly believe that I wanted to kill your darling niece.

GUNTHER

Of course not.

PARABEL

Guards, seize that man!

SOUND: Boots step forward, swords drawn

GUNTHER

Well, Krankel, what do you have to say?

KRANKEL

Your Majesty, I protest! Clearly this is a case of—oh my, look over there!

GUNTHER and GUARD. What?

KRANKEL

Apodidraskein! (ah-po-dee-DRASS-kane)

SOUND: Big magical zap! then silence

PARABEL

He’s gone! Escaped!

GUNTHER

Guards! Search the Palace. And the Office of the Sorceror General.

ALBA

I doubt you’ll find anything.

GUNTHER

Where’s he gone, then?

ALBA

I don’t know. But I’m certain we haven’t seen the last of Helbard Krankel.

INT. HOUSE OF HEALING

HOLLY

Morning, Alba!

ALBA

(hums to herself)

Good morning, Holly. Good morning, Magnus.

MAGNUS

Gee, you’re… chipper. Are you feeling all right?

ALBA

Never better.

HOLLY

See, Magnus? A royal wedding lifts everyone’s spirits.

ALBA

As does the chance to say “I told you so” to the King and Queen.

MAGNUS

Aren’t you worried, though? Krankel is on the loose somewhere, probably with a big fat grudge.

ALBA

Oh, yes. But if I know him at all, he’ll be biding his time before he makes a move. And when he does, I’ll be ready.

MAGNUS

Maybe you should be teaching me some magic, in case he comes back and I need to defend myself.

ALBA

I’ve told you, I’ll teach you some magic as soon as you’re done getting our patient records back in order from that explosion.

MAGNUS

Have you looked at our patient records lately?

ALBA

Yes, what about them?

MAGNUS

You didn’t notice anything different?

SOUND: Wooden drawer slides open; riffling through papers

ALBA

Well, I thought it seemed a bit easier finding everything…

MAGNUS

Right?

ALBA

When did you get all this done?

MAGNUS

Oh, in between my seven hundred other chores. So how about it? A little magic training for your hard-working apprentice?

HOLLY

Uh, Alba…

ALBA

All right. I suppose you’ve earned a lesson or two.

MAGNUS

Yeaaah.

ALBA

Go find a bottle of fireweed oil and a box of thumbtacks and meet me in the library.

MAGNUS

(leaving)

You got it, boss.

SOUND: Paper rustle

HOLLY

Alba, these aren’t really in alphabetical order… and these patient names are gibberish.

ALBA

I know. It looks like Magnus enchanted my pen and had it relabel everything.

HOLLY

But you’re really going to teach him magic?

ALBA

No. I’m going to teach him a lesson. Or two.

> MUSIC: CLOSING THEME

CREDITS

ANNOUNCER

In “Wedding Bells”, Episode Six of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, you heard:

Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix

Julian Sark as Magnus

and Olivia Jon as Holly

with

George Bertwell as King Gunther

Marisa King as Queen Parabel

Carter Siddall as Helbard Krankel and the Minister

Abbas Hussain as King Rockhart

Elaine O’Neal as Princess Minsey

and John Palmieri as Prince Bulwark.

Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.

Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.

Sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Produced by Sean Howard.

Associate producers: Carter Siddall, Eric Portelance, Mark Fenwick, Josh Clavir and Dave Addison.

Alba Salix, Royal Physician is a Forgery League production. Visit forgeryleague.com.