Alba, Magnus and Holly meet their strict new boss, Antalia Pearcey, while Queen Parabel fears for her kingdom.
Starring:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
Olivia Jon as Holly
Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey and Princess Minsey
with George Bertwell as King Gunther
Marisa King as Queen Parabel
Abbas Hussain as Emperor Rockhart
Robert Frances as Prince Bulwark
and special guests:
David Rheinstrom (host of Radio Drama Revival) as Sir Galitus Lightwind the Pure
and Jeff Van Dreason (co-creator of Greater Boston) as T’Horxa the Invincible
Script, music and sound design by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Associate Producers: Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco, Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark and Michael Hudson
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger
Executive Producer: Dave Addison
Content warning: Nightmares, mildly gross ailments and malpractice.
This episode is brought to you by Join The Party, a wonderful and inclusive Dungeons & Dragons real play podcast. Visit jointhepartypod.com.
INTRODUCTION
ELI
Welcome back to the land of Farloria! It’s time at last for Alba Salix, Volume Two. I’m Eli, co-writer and co-producer of this here show. This is the first of six episodes, coming at you weekly from now through the beginning of December.
This episode is sponsored by Join the Party, a Dungeons & Dragons real play podcast that’s exciting, inclusive, character-driven and completely hilarious.
Johnny’s a warlock on a mission to bring the Light to everyone in the land, and make sure they party responsibly. Inara is a super cool queer skater teen out to become an assassin and impress the ladies, not necessarily in that order. And Tracy—that’s Designation TR8C—is an adorable, excitable robot with a few rage issues. Together, they’re saving princes, running errands for gods, and surviving madcap reality show tournaments.
It’s the podcast that got me hooked on real play podcasts. And don’t worry: you don’t need to know the rules to enjoy it. It’s just good fun.
That is Join the Party. You can find out all about it at jointhepartypod.com.
And now, it’s time for Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode One.
MUSIC STING
EXT. PALACE COURTYARD—DAY
Ominous music.
EMPEROR ROCKHART
People of Farloria! This day, your tiny kingdom joins the mighty Empire of Balgomar. Our Empire—your Empire—shall be immeasurably enriched by your people, your culture, and your precious, precious minerals. The magical energy that runs through your land shall fuel Balgomar for years to come!
A crowd cheers.
ROCKHART (CONT’D)
And to rule your small, quaint little province, I, Emperor Rockhart, give you your King and Queen-to-be: Prince Bulwark and Princess Minsey!
MINSEY
(giggles)
That’s us, darling!
BULWARK
Yes! A kingdom of our very own!
MINSEY
You know, I’ve always liked this palace far more than that icky little pile of old rocks in Fair-Upon-Middling.
BULWARK
Yes, truly this is a place fit for your beauteous self.
MINSEY
Oh, darling. My sweet little Bully Wully is going to be king!
BULWARK
That’s me! Kingy Wingy!
They giggle.
MINSEY
You silly, silly boy.
ROCKHART
(clears his throat)
Your Majesties.
BULWARK
Yes, Father? Oh, I suppose we should say something to our new subjects, shouldn’t we? Um, hello!
MINSEY
Hello!
The crowd gives a shout.
ROCKHART
A bright new future lies ahead for Farloria. But first, we must sweep aside the past. Bring forth the prisoners!
Heavy chains rattle. The dramatic music returns.
PARABEL
Let go of me! Murderers! Usurpers!
GUNTHER
I say, there’s no need for all this unpleasantness.
PARABEL
You may take our lives, but the spirit of Farloria shall never be defeated.
MINSEY
Oh, be quiet, Auntie Parabel.
GUNTHER
Minsey! How could you do this to us?
MINSEY
I’m so sorry, Uncle Gunther. But Daddy-in-law is right.
ROCKHART
Well said, my girl.
PARABEL
I knew it would come to this!
GUNTHER
Minsey, please.
MINSEY
No! No, the line of succession is clear: so as long as you and your son are alive, our flimsy, foreign-sponsored claim to the throne is invalid, and therefore the only proper thing to do now is… off with their heads!
A roar from the crowd. Minsey and Bulwark’s giggling turns evil, then begins to echo unnaturally as the crowd chants, “Off with their heads!”
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. PALACE BEDCHAMBER—NIGHT
PARABEL
Nooo!
She sits up violently in bed, startling Gunther awake.
GUNTHER
Darling! Parabel! What on earth is the matter?
PARABEL
Those little fiends! They won’t take my son!
GUNTHER
Who won’t? What son?
PARABEL
Oh. Goodness, you’re right. I just dreamt I had a son…
GUNTHER
Perhaps it’s a good omen, then.
PARABEL
No! No, Gunther, it was a nightmare!
GUNTHER
Deep breaths, my treasure. Let’s get you some quell-flower tea.
He rings the servants’ bell.
PARABEL
(breathes deeply)
Yes. Yes, thank you, dear.
GUNTHER
That’s the third night this week. Perhaps you ought to see your sister about this? She’s coming to the Palace in the morning.
PARABEL
Hmm. Perhaps I should.
GUNTHER
She and that fairy of hers can probably come up with something stronger than tea.
PARABEL
Yes. We’ll need something much, much stronger.
OPENING THEME
HERALD
By Appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician—Volume Two! Episode the First: By The Book.
INT. EXAM ROOM—MORNING
ALBA
So what seems to be the problem, Mister, uh…?
Sir Galitus’s voice is slightly muffled. He still has his helmet on, and his armour jingles as he speaks.
GALITUS
Galitus. Sir Galitus Lightwind the Pure, slayer of foul monsters, bringer of peace and justice.
ALBA
And have you had any—
GALITUS
’Twas I who forded the Great Raging River and pulled the Mighty Mace of Maxilarth from the Heaving Swamp.
ALBA
Congratulations. What brings you to the House of Healing?
GALITUS
Madam Salix, the matter is slightly embarrassing.
ALBA
Believe me, we’ve seen everything here.
GALITUS
Um… I appear to have a rash upon my face.
ALBA
That’s all?
GALITUS
To be the noblest of knights, one needs the noblest face, to stir the hearts of the good folk of the kingdom. But now I must keep my helmet on so that none will see my great disfigurement.
ALBA
I’m sure it’s fine. Come on, helmet off.
GALITUS
Do I have to?
ALBA
I pulled a spoon out of a toddler’s nose this morning. I’m not worried about your little rash.
GALITUS
Yes. Very well.
Galitus takes off his helmet with a clank.
ALBA
Oh dear, this is a bad one.
GALITUS
Indeed. Methinks it came about when I slew the fearsome Manticore of the Northern Wastes.
ALBA
How do you figure?
GALITUS
It didst smite me with its venom, such that my legs grew weak. But I held my ground and laid low the beast that had terrorized—
ALBA
Did it smite you in the face?
GALITUS
No, no, it was my shin.
ALBA
I don’t think the manticore caused your rash.
GALITUS
I think you’ll find it did.
ALBA
Let me see that helmet. You’ve been wearing this a lot, haven’t you?
GALITUS
Well, yes. This helm was crafted by the dwarven smiths of Logath-Blaggit.
ALBA
I think your skin is having a reaction to the metal.
GALITUS
’Twas forged and shaped precisely to fit me! Surely it is hypoallergenic.
ALBA
We’re going to have to run some tests.
(calls)
Magnus!
Magnus enters. Galitus hurriedly puts the helmet back on.
MAGNUS
Yo, what’s up, boss?
GALITUS
Don’t bring in more people!
ALBA
This is my apprentice, Magnus. Magnus, I think Sir Galitus here is having an issue with his helmet. Sir Galitus, if you would?
GALITUS
Well… fine.
He takes the helmet off.
MAGNUS
Oh, that’s brutal. Sweet helmet, though. Dwarves make this?
GALITUS
Aye.
MAGNUS
Badass. What’s this writing around the inside?
GALITUS
Those be the magic runes of the dwarves of the East-Northeast. I bested their champion in a duel for their vast mountain kingdom, but great-hearted as I am, I asked only for a fine helm from their legendary forge.
MAGNUS
So what does it say?
GALITUS
It reads, “To he who cheats death.”
ALBA
Of course! That’s what it is.
GALITUS
What what is?
ALBA
The mark on your forehead. Three crossed lines. It’s a rune too. In olden days, the dwarves used to brand their criminals with that very symbol.
GALITUS
Criminals?!
ALBA
And this doesn’t say “To he who cheats death.”
GALITUS
It does so!
Alba taps the inside of the helmet.
ALBA
It starts here. “Death to he who cheats.”
GALITUS
I would never cheat!
ALBA
Tell me, this duel that you won…
GALITUS
I did not switch our swords! It’s a filthy lie!
ALBA
Uh huh.
MAGNUS
What do you think, Alba? Orb of Hydrogenes?
ALBA
If you would.
Magnus fetches the Orb and waves it. It makes a magical shimmer which suddenly perks up as he gets close to the helmet.
MAGNUS
Oh yeah. This is one cursed-ass helmet.
ALBA
And you see, right across the forehead, there’s where they inscribed your magic rune. Precisely the same shape and location as your rash.
GALITUS
They marked me! Those little mongrels! With their filthy magic and their… their wordplay.
ALBA
Well, not to worry. We can fix this. Holly!
Holly enters. Galitus puts his helmet back on.
GALITUS
What…? No, not more people!
HOLLY
Hi Alba! Hi Mister Knight!
GALITUS
(petulant)
I’m not a “mister”.
ALBA
Sir Galitus, this is our resident herbalist, Holly. And the sooner you take the helmet back off, the sooner we can fix your rash.
Galitus sighs and complies.
HOLLY
Oh gosh. Mister… Sir, your forehead!
GALITUS
This is humiliating.
HOLLY
Did you cheat a clan of dwarves?
MAGNUS
He so did.
GALITUS
I resent these accusations.
ALBA
It looks like a simple spectral concentrator. Holly, do you have anything that will reverse it?
HOLLY
A solution of Penroth’s Blue Chickweed and some Revolting Violet should clear it up in a day or two.
ALBA
See to it, please.
HOLLY
You got it.
She heads for the pantry.
GALITUS
(quietly)
Will this prevent the… death part?
ALBA
Death part?
GALITUS
If the runes say “death to he who cheats…” does that mean I am to die?
ALBA
I don’t think so. But you might want to go back and ask them. Very nicely.
GALITUS
Yes, Madam Salix.
ALBA
Now, if you’d like to have a seat outside, Holly will be right out to bring you your prescription.
Galitus dons his helmet once again.
GALITUS
Yes, Madam Salix.
He leaves the room.
ALBA
Good work.
MAGNUS
You know it. So? What do you say to teaching me some more magic?
ALBA
Have all those bile samples been tested?
MAGNUS
Oh. Yeah. I’m almost done. Partly done. Somewhat.
I’ll start on it today.
ALBA
Yes, please. I’m off to the Palace in a minute. We’ll talk when I get back.
MAGNUS
Yeah we will!
Alba shuts the door.
MUSIC STING
INT. THRONE ROOM—LATER THAT MORNING
Alba rummages in her bag.
ALBA
Here. A tonic of reverium sap and truncheon berry. One mouthful just before bedtime should bring on a good night’s sleep, and pleasant dreams.
Parabel uncorks the small bottle and sniffs it.
PARABEL
Ugh! It’s revolting.
ALBA
Well, it’s tonic or nightmares. Take your pick.
PARABEL
I can’t drink this.
GUNTHER
Really? It smells delightful to me.
PARABEL
Some of us have more delicate senses.
ALBA
Well, I’ll leave it here, in case you change your mind.
GUNTHER
If that’s all settled, Alba, we’d like you to join us for lunch.
ALBA
Oh. Yes. Lovely. Hopefully not a long lunch.
GUNTHER
Come along. It should be waiting for us.
They walk out together into the corridor.
ALBA
What’s the occasion?
GUNTHER
I’m sure you’ve been wondering what’s going to become of the Office of the Sorceror General, now that our Sorceror General has, um…
ALBA
Been arrested for plotting to murder your niece, and fled the kingdom?
PARABEL
He acted alone, I understand!
GUNTHER
Yes. Rather. Well, considering that little incident, we’ve consulted with the Mages’ Guild and decided to reorganize the OSG under non-wizardly oversight.
ALBA
Oh? It’s about time. Who’s leading it?
Gunther opens a door and ushers Alba and Parabel into a reception room. As they enter, a calm, measured woman in her 30s stands up from the table: Antalia Pearcey.
GUNTHER
I’m glad you asked. Here she is. Good morning!
PEARCEY
Your Majesties.
PARABEL
Hello, Minister.
GUNTHER
Alba, may I present Antalia Pearcey, late of the Ministry of Transportation. Ms. Pearcey, this is Alba Salix, our Royal Physician.
ALBA
Nice to meet you.
PEARCEY
And you. I’ve heard so many good things.
GUNTHER
Ms. Pearcey will bring her administrative talents to bear, overseeing an all-new department known as the Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health.
ALBA
Well, I think that will be a great step—wait, health?
GUNTHER
Yes! Since so much of your practice is mucking about with magical… things, we thought it would fit like a proverbial glove.
ALBA
Well sure, I use magic, but… Ms. Pearcey, I thought you were going to be taking over the Office of Planning?
PEARCEY
That was the original idea. But His Majesty has taken such a keen interest in the kingdom’s architecture…
ALBA
Gunther? You’re going to head the Planning Office?
GUNTHER
Yes, it turns out I have a talent for it! It came as quite a surprise.
PEARCEY
Yes, quite a surprise.
GUNTHER
I’ve been overseeing a new project there this week. They’re designing a public square in front of the new Mysticorp headquarters. Look at this!
He pulls out a sheet of paper.
ALBA
Is that supposed to be a pair of dragons?
GUNTHER
Yes, that was my idea. It’s a fountain!
ALBA
Oh, I see. So that’s water that they’re… vomiting.
GUNTHER
Spouting.
ALBA
Spouting. Sorry.
GUNTHER
There’ll be lights too. All magically powered. It’s most exciting.
ALBA
As long as His Majesty refrains from having my garden torn out.
PARABEL
Oh, your garden again. One little decree and I never hear the end of it.
A servant enters with a tray.
GUNTHER
Oh look. Here comes our lunch!
PARABEL
What is this? I specifically said, no cucumber!
SERVANT
But Your Majesty—
PARABEL
Loathsome. Take it away!
GUNTHER
I’ll gladly have yours. What would you rather, my dear?
PARABEL
(fumes, then:)
Are there any anchovies in the kitchen? And pickled plums?
SERVANT
I will fetch some right away, Majesty.
The servant hurries off.
GUNTHER
Good heavens.
PARABEL
I just felt like having something salty.
ALBA
Curse those delicate senses of yours.
PARABEL
(huffs)
I’ll be in the kitchen.
She exits as well.
GUNTHER
Parabel!
(back to Alba and Pearcey)
Ah, well. Where was I?
ALBA
So Your Majesty will be in charge of planning.
Uh, Ms. Pearcey…
PEARCEY
Yes?
ALBA
Do you have any experience overseeing magic? Or health?
PEARCEY
Our roads and ports are used by many magical vehicles.
ALBA
So… no.
GUNTHER
But Farlorian roads and ports are now among the finest on the continent!
ALBA
Aside from that little incident where we tried to run dragon boats and swan boats along the same stretch of canal.
PEARCEY
(haunted)
That was not my idea.
ALBA
So what is your plan for this new Ministry?
PEARCEY
In a word: standardization.
ALBA
And in more words?
PEARCEY
We want to replicate your success with the House of Healing. Expand it.
GUNTHER
Alba, you’ve been arguing for months that we should better serve our more remote regions.
ALBA
Well, yes. Think of the Pointy Lands. We’ve got a whole province going to see one overworked witch in a candy cottage that’s been chewed to pieces by the local kids.
PEARCEY
Exactly. So we need to develop a blueprint for service delivery.
GUNTHER
(eager)
A blueprint. Yes, yes.
PEARCEY
We are going to systematize the way you run the House of Healing. Examine what you do to create a manual of best practices. Everything down to the last pill, potion and procedure.
ALBA
(scoffs)
Everything? In one manual?
PEARCEY
I believe that’s what I said.
ALBA
I mean, we’re good at what we do, but every case is different. Every patient, every complaint…
PEARCEY
But it’s the delivery that stays the same.
(heading off Alba)
Which is why we’re going to proceed with implementing the EIIRP‑9 standard across all our facilities.
ALBA
Are you.
PEARCEY
Yes. We are. And that “we” includes you. And everyone at the House of Healing.
ALBA
Lucky “us”.
GUNTHER
Very sensible indeed. Er… what is an E double‑I…?
PEARCEY
…RP. Everything In Its Right Place, Level 9. The same standard I implemented at the Ministry of Transportation. Outlining our desired outcomes, processes and decision-making approach.
GUNTHER
Well, that sounds terribly worthwhile. I should be getting along now—got to be at the mint to approve my portrait for next year’s coins.
PEARCEY
Ms. Salix, I’d love to dive right in and pay a visit to your clinic. How does this afternoon sound?
ALBA
Why, that should be no problem at all.
GUNTHER
I do love it when my staff gets along.
MUSIC STING
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING—RECEPTION
Alba has just arrived back at the HH in a flurry.
HOLLY
What are you worried about, Alba? I love organizing!
ALBA
The new Minister is revamping everything. New procedures, new rules…
MAGNUS
I always said what we need here is more rules.
ALBA
Well, you’ve got ’em.
She dumps an armload of books on the counter.
MAGNUS
Whoa. That’s… some books.
HOLLY
Yay for books!
ALBA
Those are just the index. The Minister’s on her way here now, and I saw one of her assistants loading a wheelbarrow.
HOLLY
Gosh. These are all books on how to do our jobs?
ALBA
Nope. They’re books on how to decide how to do our jobs.
MAGNUS
We get to decide?
ALBA
Minister Pearcey gets to decide.
(sighs)
We’re probably going to have to change everything. Just when we were starting to find our rhythm.
MAGNUS
So pull rank, then! You could be all like, “My sister is the Queen, so there! Off with your head, sucker!”
ALBA
I would appreciate it if you didn’t say things like that in front of the Minister. And can we please clean up here? What are these vials doing all over the reception desk?
MAGNUS
They’re the bile samples you asked me to analyze. Look. Results right here.
He waves a thick folder.
HOLLY
Wow, that’s a whole pile of bile vial trial files!
MAGNUS
Right?
HOLLY
See, that rhymed!
ALBA
Yes, thank you. Magnus, if you have laboratory work to do, you do it in the laboratory.
MAGNUS
Well, today the lab smells like dead, burnt fish.
HOLLY
It’s not fish, it’s seaweed.
MAGNUS
Oh sure, sorry, that’s perfectly fine, then.
HOLLY
It’s a remedy for milkmaid’s knee. Or it will be. I’m this close to nailing the formula. This close!
MAGNUS
Have you tried not setting fire to it?
ALBA
Both of you, get all these vials put away in the lab.
MAGNUS
Boy, somebody’s stressed out.
ALBA
Now.
HOLLY
Okay!
Magnus and Holly gather up the vials and open the door to the lab. Alba gasps at the smell.
ALBA
Holly, I think we should discuss letting you work from home.
HOLLY
But I like it here! Isn’t it nice to have company while you work?
ALBA
Company, yes. Toxic fumes, no.
MAGNUS
See? Could you work under these conditions?
ALBA
That’s enough, Magnus.
The door opens and Pearcey enters.
PEARCEY
Good afternoon—
(suddenly gagging)
What is that smell?
Magnus returns and shuts the door.
MAGNUS
Oh, nothing, just violating our own health and safety rules.
ALBA
Holly, Magnus, this is Antalia Pearcey, the new Minister of Magical Affairs… and Health.
PEARCEY
Hello, team.
ALBA
Ms. Pearcey, this is Holly, our herbalist and potions specialist.
HOLLY
Hi there!
ALBA
And my apprentice Magnus.
MAGNUS
Apprentice surgeon.
HOLLY
Would you like a cup of tea?
MAGNUS
(whispers)
Say no.
PEARCEY
(stiffly)
It’s good to meet you all. You might be wondering why I’m here today.
MAGNUS
Are you taking over the kingdom?
ALBA
Magnus.
PEARCEY
Am I what?
MAGNUS
I mean, you’re the new Sorceror General, right?
PEARCEY
In a sense. But there is no longer a Sorceror General.
MAGNUS
The old guy was all bent on taking over. I thought it was like a wizard thing.
PEARCEY
I’m not a wizard. That’s the whole point. We’re getting off topic here.
(clears her throat)
As Farloria grows, the demands on the House of Healing will become greater. There’ll be more patients to treat. You’ll need to expand. Bring on more staff. And I know that you can all rise to meet these new challenges with talent and enthusiasm.
HOLLY
Yay!
MAGNUS
Yay.
HOLLY
I don’t know what you were complaining about, Alba. This is going to be great!
PEARCEY
Is there an issue, Ms. Salix?
ALBA
I thought my staff might have some concerns.
HOLLY
Nope!
PEARCEY
Change is always hard. And there are definitely changes ahead. Normalizing procedures. Staff training. Labour standards.
MAGNUS
(mock incredulity)
Standards? For labour?
PEARCEY
That’s right.
MAGNUS
Would that mean, for instance, that I’d get to sleep indoors?
ALBA
The toolshed is indoors.
MAGNUS
Well, maybe according to the letter of the law…
PEARCEY
That’s definitely something we’d address when we do our assessment of working conditions in Stage Two.
MAGNUS
I got an assessment for you.
ALBA
Stage Two, Magnus. We have to do these things in the proper order.
HOLLY
What’s Stage One?
PEARCEY
Stage One is what we call a “user needs assessment”. We discover who is visiting the House of Healing…
ALBA
That would be “everyone in the city”.
PEARCEY
…what services they require, and what you require to deliver those services. Stage Two is about your experience here to date. The working conditions, but also your opinions. Your feelings.
HOLLY
Our feelings? Aww! You’re the best, Ms. Pearcey.
PEARCEY
That’s… uh, thank you?
HOLLY
The way Alba was talking, I thought this was going to be nothing but paperwork.
PEARCEY
No, no. Most of it is about listening. Just as an example… I’d like to get from each of you a couple of words that you think describe the House of Healing.
HOLLY
Ooh! Ooh! Today I’m feeling pride. Because we helped eight patients today, including a knight with a really rare curse, and a sweet old couple with toad pox! That’s such a tricky one to diagnose, but we did it! Because we’re the team that heals! Together!
PEARCEY
So. Pride—that’s a good one. Any others? Magnus?
MAGNUS
Let’s see…
HOLLY
Satisfaction! Last week, I just finished relabeling every last bottle, box, pouch and canister in the pantry. See? They all have their name and catalogue number here. I love decorating the labels.
She picks up a bottle.
PEARCEY
Yes, very thorough. Er, does this say “Sockweed”? No… “Storkwort”?
ALBA
It’s “Goblin grass”.
PEARCEY
That’s a “G”?
ALBA
You get the hang of Holly’s handwriting after a few months.
MAGNUS
Speak for yourself.
HOLLY
Organized!
PEARCEY
I beg your pardon?
HOLLY
When I first started here, I owed Alba many, many good deeds, and it always felt like I could never catch up. Now I finally feel like I’m on top of everything and I know where everything is!
PEARCEY
Well. That will certainly come in very useful soon as we implement the new cataloguing system.
HOLLY
New… cataloguing system?
PEARCEY
Oh yes. When we’re finished, we’ll have a searchable inventory of all the assets at the House of Healing. Have a look through the manual if you want to read ahead.
Pearcey sets another heavy tome on the counter.
HOLLY
“Everything In Its Right Place.” That sounds… sensible.
MAGNUS
Ha ha! Now you’re going to have to redo everything.
ALBA
Magnus.
HOLLY
It’s okay. If it’s that important to you, Ms. Pearcey, we can do it!
PEARCEY
I appreciate it. So. Magnus? What words would you use to describe your workplace experience?
MAGNUS
Gruelling. Boring. Uh… endless.
PEARCEY
Really! Perhaps you could expand on those.
MAGNUS
Intensely gruelling. Mind-numbingly boring. Endlessly… bad.
ALBA
Ms. Pearcey, I should apologize for my apprentice.
PEARCEY
No, it’s quite all right. I want our employees to feel free to speak their minds.
MAGNUS
Alba’s just mad because she won’t be able to hit me any more.
PEARCEY
She hits you?
ALBA
I…! I’ve never hit him that hard. And never when he didn’t deserve it.
PEARCEY
Physical correction is explicitly forbidden under the Ministry Code of Conduct.
MAGNUS
This one time, I broke a jar, and she hauled me out to the garden and made me eat brimstone peppers!
ALBA
No one made you eat them.
MAGNUS
She totally tricked me into it! She’s like, “Here, you have to learn to identify plants by taste. Eat this.”
ALBA
Well, can you pick out a brimstone pepper by taste now?
PEARCEY
Clearly, we also need to establish a standard course of study for House of Healing employees.
ALBA
Well. Strictly speaking, Magnus isn’t an employee.
PEARCEY
Oh? Are you a volunteer?
ALBA
Magnus is doing community service here on the orders of His Majesty. Serving three consecutive sentences for various crimes.
MAGNUS
“Crimes”. I knocked over a tent.
ALBA
Very nearly killing dozens.
PEARCEY
This is clearly a big topic! Let’s talk about this when we get to the Stage Two evaluation.
MAGNUS
Bring it on.
Holly is still reading the index. She turns a page.
HOLLY
Wait. There’s a filing system for baked goods?
PEARCEY
And Ms. Salix? How would you describe the House of Healing?
ALBA
It’s a house where we heal people.
PEARCEY
I like that. Straight to the point. It’s a good reminder to stick to our core mission.
ALBA
Yes. So what’s your mission here today?
PEARCEY
This is just a get-to-know-you session. Tomorrow’s when we really start in earnest. I’d like to shadow you throughout a regular day to see how things work around here.
ALBA
Great.
HOLLY
(weakly)
Yay!
INT. EXAM ROOM—NEXT MORNING
Alba is seeing T’Horxa, a weedy would-be adventurer wearing a helmet. In the background, a pen can be heard scratching away at high speed.
ALBA
And what seems to be the problem, Mister… T’Horxa?
T’HORXA
T’Horxa the Invincible! Defeater of evil, bringer of harmony and niceness.
ALBA
Yes. I’m sure your exploits are many and legendary.
T’HORXA
So legendary. Just, um… quick question. Who’s this?
ALBA
This is Ms. Pearcey—
The writing stops. It’s Pearcey.
PEARCEY
Please, just pretend I’m not here. I’m monitoring the treatment to help the House of Healing team improve the patient experience.
T’HORXA
So… you’re not a doctor?
PEARCEY
Don’t worry. All of this is completely confidential. Nothing in these notes will personally identify you.
ALBA
As I was saying, what can we help you with today?
T’HORXA
I’m… uh… T’Horxa is embarrassed to say.
ALBA
Something to do with your helmet, perhaps?
T’HORXA
My helmet? No. I mean… nay. I am here because of a blight upon my face.
ALBA
Caused by your helmet.
PEARCEY
That seems like a rather hasty conclusion at this stage, don’t you think?
ALBA
I thought you weren’t here.
T’HORXA
What’s wrong with my helmet?
ALBA
Let’s see. Did you happen to buy it for an unbelievable price some time yesterday?
T’HORXA
(he so did)
Uh… this helm was forged by the dwarves of… Laggity-Blaggity.
ALBA
And you acquired it from a bold knight with a name like… Galitus?
T’HORXA
Nay…
PEARCEY
Ms. Salix, we’re really diverging from our client intake protocol.
ALBA
Yes we are, because I’ve seen this exact helmet before. Mister T’Horxa, can you take it off, please?
T’HORXA
Does she really have to be here? Writing down everything?
ALBA
Apparently.
PEARCEY
These are simply notes on how our staff perform.
T’HORXA
(reluctant)
T’Horxa consents.
He takes off the helmet.
ALBA
As I thought. You’ve been cursed, I’m afraid.
PEARCEY
Cursed?
T’HORXA
Cursed?
ALBA
A spectral concentrator, to be precise.
PEARCEY
You’re not going to run any tests?
ALBA
We saw a patient yesterday who got himself into trouble with a clan of dwarves, and they gave him this very helmet. It seems to have made its way to Mister T’Horxa here, and affected him in exactly the same way.
PEARCEY
I would have thought you’d test for sensitivity to metal, for changes in diet…
ALBA
Look, I’ll show you. Magnus!
(to T’Horxa)
No, leave the bloody helmet off.
Magnus enters.
MAGNUS
Sup, witches? Oh, look, it’s a knight with a helmet. And a rash.
ALBA
Orb of Hydrogenes?
MAGNUS
Why, I just so happen to have it right here.
PEARCEY
That’s convenient.
MAGNUS
You don’t forget a helmet like that.
T’HORXA
Uh… thanks?
Magnus waves the Orb. It shimmers in much the same way as before.
MAGNUS
Yup, still cursed.
ALBA
Who’d have thunk. Holly!
PEARCEY
Ms. Salix, I don’t believe Magnus is certified to operate magical equipment.
MAGNUS
What? I do it all the time.
T’HORXA
Not certified?
PEARCEY
All Ministry personnel who use magical items or spells must undergo a one-day safety training, unless they’ve graduated from an approved school of magic.
MAGNUS
Really? If I take the training, does that mean I can use any magical equipment here?
ALBA
No.
PEARCEY
No. Basic gear only.
MAGNUS
Dangit.
ALBA
Would you go and find Holly, please?
MAGNUS
Fine.
He leaves.
T’HORXA
So… he’s not supposed to use that glowy thing?
ALBA
The Orb is just a diagnostic tool. Hell, it’s safer than most of the surgical gear we use.
PEARCEY
Yes. Thank you for reminding me—that will be a separate training course.
She makes a note. Holly bustles in.
HOLLY
Hi everybody! What’s up, Alba?
ALBA
The cursed helmet has struck again.
HOLLY
I heard! Lucky I made too much of that salve yesterday.
PEARCEY
What salve would this be?
HOLLY
Penroth’s Chickweed and Revolting Violet. I came up with it myself!
PEARCEY
So this wasn’t a previously documented remedy.
HOLLY
Nope. The violet cancels out residual energy from the curse, see, and—
PEARCEY
Has it been through clinical trials?
HOLLY
Of course! I always taste as I go. Plus we gave it to Sir Galitus yesterday.
PEARCEY
And you’ve booked a follow-up appointment with him to evaluate the results?
ALBA
I don’t expect he’ll be back this way any time soon.
PEARCEY
(sighs)
So you have an effective sample size of one. Ms. Salix, this isn’t good.
HOLLY
I’m telling you, it’s perfectly safe.
T’HORXA
Uh, perhaps T’Horxa should go.
ALBA
Sit. Down.
T’HORXA
Okay.
PEARCEY
How was this solution stored?
HOLLY
In a bowl. Don’t worry! It’s still good! Here, do you want me to test it now? Let’s test it!
She dabs some salve on herself.
ALBA AND PEARCEY
Holly!
HOLLY
It’s all good. See? Ooh, tingly. That’s how you know it’s working. Now, Mister T’Horxa, just hold still and close your eyes.
T’HORXA
T’Horxa is not on board with this!
All hell breaks loose. Everyone is speaking at once:
HOLLY
No, no, it’s safe! Watch, Ms. Pearcey! You’ll see! Stop moving, I don’t want to get it in your eyes!
ALBA
Holly, stop it. Put the salve down! I’m sorry about this, Mister T’Horxa. Holly!
PEARCEY
Holly, that solution is not approved. Everyone, calm down. Ms. Salix, get her to stop.
T’HORXA
No! No! I don’t want tingly stuff on my face! Help! Aaa! It burns! Aaaa!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING OFFICE
Tense silence.
PEARCEY
(sighs)
Well. I must say—
HOLLY
I’m so sorry, Ms. Pearcey. It’s all my fault.
ALBA
It’s fine, Holly.
PEARCEY
No, it is not. It is not “fine”. Ms. Salix, in the space of a single morning, you and your team have operated magical items without proper training; leapt to fanciful conclusions without any sort of standard diagnostic questionnaire; used an untested, improperly stored remedy against the stated wishes of the patient which caused a significant skin reaction…
MAGNUS
(snickers)
PEARCEY
…due to a hazardous ingredient mixed in by a staff member as a prank.
MAGNUS
Hey, I didn’t think Holly was going to use that stuff on any more patients. But sometimes she drinks the leftovers—see?
HOLLY
Magnus!
MAGNUS
I was trying to teach her a lesson about safe disposal of medicines. I am helping to improve our team’s compliance. Boom.
PEARCEY
Stop digging, young man. You’re already in over your head.
ALBA
All right. Thank you, Minister. Are we done here?
PEARCEY
I am recommending to His Majesty that you, Ms. Salix, attend a six-week course in standard Ministry protocol and procedure…
ALBA
For heaven’s sake.
PEARCEY
…and that your two assistants be let go, effective immediately.
HOLLY
What?!
MAGNUS
Ohhh, you’re kidding. Sweet freedom!
ALBA
You’ll be going back to jail.
MAGNUS
After working here I should get off with time served.
ALBA
Take it up with the King.
HOLLY
We can do better, Ms. Pearcey! I promise we can! Upon my honour—
PEARCEY
Enough! All of you.
ALBA
No.
PEARCEY
Excuse me?
ALBA
No. This is my team. They may not live up to your vision of a perfect, efficient department—
PEARCEY
They don’t live up to my vision of a stampede in a barnyard.
ALBA
Too bad. When they don’t have a… well-meaning bureaucrat second-guessing their every move, they do just fine.
I will take full responsibility for what happened to Mister T’Horxa. You’re right—we rushed the diagnosis because I wanted to get this exercise over with. And maybe look a little bit impressive.
Yes. We’re here to heal people, not because we want to show off or look good.
MAGNUS
Well—
ALBA
Shut it, Magnus. We will begin implementing the new Ministry guidelines. But let’s get one thing straight. This is still my House of Healing. Barnyard or not, I will run it as I see fit.
PEARCEY
Very well. Let me be clear. You’re part of my ministry now. And I expect your House of Healing and all your staff to meet or exceed our standard. You have a week to produce an action plan. We’ll reassess then.
ALBA
Yes. Thank you, Minister.
PEARCEY
(under her breath)
The wizards were bad enough.
Pearcey strides out. The door slams behind her.
HOLLY
Wow, Alba!
MAGNUS
That was so good. You totally should have said “Off with her head!”
HOLLY
You did it! We’re still a team!
ALBA
A team with twenty-one volumes of guidelines to read.
HOLLY
We can do this. Let’s show Ms. Pearcey how good we really are!
ALBA
Please don’t say that.
CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ELI
In “By the Book”, Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode One, you heard Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix, Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey and Princess Minsey,
with George Bertwell as King Gunther, Marisa King as Queen Parabel, Abbas Hussain as Emperor Rockhart, Robert Frances as Prince Bulwark,
and special guests David Rheinstrom as Sir Galitus Lightwind the Pure, and Jeff Van Dreason as T’Horxa the Invincible.
Script, music and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen.
Associate Producers: Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco, Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark and Michael Hudson.
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger.
Executive Producer: Dave Addison.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Donors get weekly bonus content, early access to episodes, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at albasalix.com.
TAG: INT. THE AXE & CROWN—NIGHT
It’s a busy night in the pub at the Axe & Crown.
T’HORXA
(in a low voice)
Hey there, friend. Wanna buy a helmet?
The helmet clunks on a table.
Gubbin stomps over from the bar.
GUBBIN
Hey, sword boy! Yeah, you! I told you, go and sell your goddamn trinkets somewhere else, and let my patrons get drunk in peace!
OUTRO: OUR SPONSOR
ELI
This episode has been brought to you by Join The Party, a wonderful and inclusive Dungeons & Dragons real play podcast. You can find out all about it at jointhepartypod.com.