The House of Healing staff face an inspection by Minister Pearcey — and a test of a different kind.
Starring:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
Olivia Jon as Holly
and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey
with Abbas Hussain as the Butterfly
Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice
and special guests:
Michael Howie as Travin
and Jasmin Cheng as the Catalogue
Script, music and sound design by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Associate Producers: Paul Tedesco, Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson and Jack Pevyhouse
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger
Executive Producer: Dave Addison
Content warning: Claustrophobia, violence, doom and destruction.
This episode has been brought to you by The Amelia Project, a delightfully witty audio drama podcast about an agency who help their clients disappear. Look them up at ameliapodcast.com.
INTRODUCTION
ELI
Hey, hallo, bonjour! It’s Eli, your co-writer and co-producer. We wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who’s been sharing the show out there on social media, playing it for a friend, all that stuff. We’re so glad to know you’re enjoying the show. It really does make our day.
This episode is brought to you by The Amelia Project. It is a witty and delightful audio drama podcast about an exclusive agency whose job it is to help their clients fake their deaths and start a new life somewhere else. Cult leaders, criminals, TV stars—every episode, there’s a new client planning their escape, and every client is weirder and funnier than the last.
And if that’s not enough for you, they just released a special episode that crosses over with four other shows, and one of those shows might just be Alba Salix, Royal Physician, just saying. As for the other three shows, I’m not going to spoil anything, except to say that we love them all very much and that the crossovers are hilarious and so, so perfect.
That’s The Amelia Project. Search for it in your favourite podcast app, or look them up on the web at ameliapodcast.com.
Now, without further ado, please enjoy Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode Two!
MUSIC STING
INT. MINISTRY OFFICE
A clock ticks steadily in the background. A big wooden door opens, and Loria Berenice enters the room.
LORIA
(warmly)
Good morning, Madam Minister.
PEARCEY
(stern)
Good morning, Ms Berenice.
Do you have our presentation to the Chancellor ready for this afternoon?
LORIA
Good to go. No preamble, like you said—we’ll just bury him in numbers until he begs for mercy.
PEARCEY
And gives us our budget, I hope.
And remind me, what’s this morning?
Loria searches through a messy pile of papers and books.
LORIA
Uh… This morning… is… inspection at the House of Healing.
PEARCEY
Ah yes. The jewel in the crown of this department.
LORIA
And they should be getting their new secure storage unit installed today too.
PEARCEY
What time?
LORIA
The best I could get out of Magic Support was “some time between ten A.M. and six P.M.”
PEARCEY
(sighs)
As always. All right. I’m off to the House of Healing.
She rises and begins putting on her coat.
LORIA
Shall I bring you the whip, Minister?
PEARCEY
Hmm. No, make it a cudgel. Something that lands on a skull with a nice solid thunk.
LORIA
Of course. Who knows? Maybe they’ll actually be ready for you this time.
PEARCEY
They’d better be.
OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician, Volume Two! Episode the Second: Tried and Tested.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING RECEPTION
HOLLY
(singing)
The laundry’s done and the beds are made!
ALBA
Thank you, Holly.
(calls)
Magnus? How’s the lab coming?
MAGNUS
(from the back hallway)
Just putting away the glassware now. Whoops!
He drops a beaker, which smashes.
ALBA AND HOLLY
Magnus!
Magnus starts sweeping up.
MAGNUS
It’s okay, it’s okay—that was a bad beaker. Very unfit for inspection. It had like, stains… and totally would not pass muster with Minister Fearsome.
ALBA
If you call her that to her face I will hit you—
MAGNUS
Uh-uh! No physical assault on colleagues, remember?
ALBA
Damn these new rules.
Magnus enters the reception area, dusting off his hands.
MAGNUS
All right. Lab’s all done.
ALBA
And the back hallway?
MAGNUS
And the back hallway. Oh. Also, nobody open the right-hand supply cupboard.
HOLLY
My right or your right?
MAGNUS
Holly, don’t open any of the supply cupboards.
HOLLY
Check.
The front door opens.
PEARCEY
Good morning, everyone.
ALBA MAGNUS AND HOLLY
Good morning, Ms Pearcey.
MAGNUS
So, are we all fired yet?
PEARCEY
No. No one’s being fired, oddly enough. Thank you for your efforts in adhering to the new Ministry guidelines. I know this can’t be easy.
ALBA
And the action plan?
PEARCEY
Yes! Very impressive! Very… thorough.
ALBA
You sound surprised.
PEARCEY
You were here when I visited last week, weren’t you?
ALBA
I suppose that’s fair.
PEARCEY
No, compared to the Sorceror General’s staff, the House of Healing runs like gnomish clockwork.
HOLLY
Aw, thank you, Ms Pearcey!
ALBA
Would you like a tour? You can see which items we’ve gotten done so far.
PEARCEY
Gotten done? You’ve actually done things? My word. You’re leaving those wizards in the dust.
ALBA
Holly?
HOLLY
You got it! So this is the reception area…
PEARCEY
I’m familiar, yes.
HOLLY
We’ve cleaned up and moved the desk so it’s easier to get past…
PEARCEY
I saw the new ramp at the front doorstep too, very good.
Holly leads everyone through from room to room.
HOLLY
Through here, the exam room has new easy-to-clean curtains. The lab’s been tidied, cabinets labeled…
MAGNUS
(under his breath)
No, not, not that cupboard…
HOLLY
Glassware and instruments cleaned.
PEARCEY
Good work.
MAGNUS
You bet.
ALBA
Everything’s a bit crowded in here today, unfortunately, but that’s because…
They continue on. The pantry is empty and echoey.
ALBA
The pantry’s been cleared out to make room for the new storage unit.
PEARCEY
They should be delivering it today, in fact.
HOLLY
(sighs)
I’ll miss you, pantry.
ALBA
I know you will. But it’s for safety.
HOLLY
I know.
PEARCEY
How is the one in your office working out?
ALBA
Oh, the cabinet is great. It’s such a relief, finally having all the dangerous magical items protected from unauthorized access.
MAGNUS
Why is everyone looking at me?
ALBA
No reason.
HOLLY
I know why we’re doing it. But I’ll miss all my bottles and jars. I won’t get to write out all the names by hand.
A moment. Alba and Pearcey at a loss.
HOLLY
And… I guess I’m still sad about the garden.
ALBA
I know.
PEARCEY
The garden?
ALBA
A couple of days ago, something came and ate nearly every flower in the herb garden. So we’ve got some replanting to do. And when we bottle the new plants, you can decorate the labels.
HOLLY
Really? Can I? Is that all right, Ms Pearcey?
PEARCEY
(reluctant)
Yes. Fine.
HOLLY
Yay! Thank you!
(pulling up short)
Right, sorry, no hugs.
They continue across the hallway.
PEARCEY
Hmm. Not so good. The hallway is still impassable.
HOLLY
This is just temporary. This will all go into the new unit.
PEARCEY
All right.
MAGNUS
At least the rakes and buckets are gone.
HOLLY
In here, the ward has been swept, scrubbed, smudged and sanitized. We’ve ordered new linens for both beds.
PEARCEY
Very good.
HOLLY
And I think that’s all for inside.
MAGNUS
Yeah, that’s it for inside…
They all return to the exam room.
PEARCEY
Yes. Magnus, you raised the issue of living conditions, and we agree, it would be better to house you somewhere other than…
MAGNUS
A freezing, moldy toolshed?
ALBA
There isn’t any mold.
PEARCEY
We will begin looking for a suitable room within walking distance.
MAGNUS
Define “walking distance”.
PEARCEY
Point seven five miles, or the distance walkable by the average adult in fifteen minutes.
MAGNUS
So… if I find something cheaper further out, can I take a carriage to work?
PEARCEY
Moving right along.
MAGNUS
I mean, you get a carriage.
PEARCEY
Defining roles. We need to assess each of your strengths, and determine where we have gaps to fill.
HOLLY
(hand up)
Ooh. Ooh.
PEARCEY
Yes, Holly.
HOLLY
I’ve been reading about the Persimmon Personality Index!
PEARCEY
I haven’t heard of that one.
HOLLY
At the market the other day, there was a booth for Persimmon Personnel. They do hiring for all those big new companies in town.
PEARCEY
Oh, one of those.
HOLLY
And they created this test, so we can find out what kind of personality and working habits we all have!
ALBA
I don’t think we need a test to tell us that.
Holly has pulled out a cloth bag from under the counter.
HOLLY
They gave me the whole package. Look!
“Know Thyself—Know Thy Employees.” There’s a gem… and a deck of cards… and they’re all different personality archetypes! Don’t you want to know if you’re the Queen of Rubies or the Fire-Eater?
PEARCEY
I’m quite sure this isn’t on the list of approved evaluation tools.
HOLLY
C’mon, it’ll be so perfect. We can discover our unique strengths—in a fun way! Find out what part of our bodies our brains are in!
MAGNUS
Uh…
PEARCEY
Then by all means, try it and see what results you get. On your own time, please.
HOLLY
You have to do it too! Fair’s fair! We want to know your personality, so we know how you like to work and how best to set you up for success in this important transition. What do you think, Alba?
ALBA
I think it’s up to Ms Pearcey.
HOLLY
Please, Ms Pearcey?
PEARCEY
Holly—
HOLLY
Pleeeease?
MAGNUS
I find it’s best just to go with it? Otherwise we’ll be here all day.
PEARCEY
I’m going to regret this. All right, let’s see what we get.
HOLLY
(a delighted squeak)
MUSIC STING
INT. OFFICE—MONTAGE
HOLLY
Alba, I want you to look into this sapphire.
ALBA
Really?
HOLLY
It helps to focus your mental waveform.
ALBA
As if there were any such thing.
HOLLY
Just enjoy how pretty and shiny it is. Admire it. Let your conscious mind drift peacefully as you gaze… into the soothing blue depths of… the sapphire…
She falls silent.
ALBA
And at some point I suppose you ask some questions? Holly? Holly.
HOLLY
Right! Questions.
MUSIC STING
HOLLY
On a scale of zero to ten, with zero being “completely answer A” and ten being “completely answer B”… Would you say that you are more like a pond or a brick wall?
PEARCEY
What does that even mean?
HOLLY
Just pick one! Go with your instinct.
PEARCEY
My instinct is no. Neither.
HOLLY
All right! I’ll say that’s a five.
PEARCEY
How many questions are there?
MUSIC STING
HOLLY
The key is not to overthink your answer. Just say the first thing that comes into your head.
MAGNUS
This is so boring.
HOLLY
Magnus!
MAGNUS
That was the first thing that came into my head.
HOLLY
Magnus. On a scale of zero to ten…
MAGNUS
Seven?
HOLLY
Let me ask the question first!
MAGNUS
…point nine.
HOLLY
Question one.
MAGNUS
Can I say seven point eight three? I’m feeling precise today.
HOLLY
Rrrgh!
MUSIC STING
HOLLY
Would you describe yourself as a catalyst or an observer?
PEARCEY
(utterly checked out)
Five.
Holly writes this down.
HOLLY
Do you prefer to set your own hours, or to think about things that could have been?
PEARCEY
Five.
HOLLY
Do you prefer going to a party or falling from a great height?
PEARCEY
Five. No, ten.
HOLLY
Which of these two circles makes you feel more envious?
MUSIC STING
MAGNUS
I’m not sure I can even put that in a number.
HOLLY
Just say your first response.
MAGNUS
Hmm. Blue.
HOLLY
As a number.
MAGNUS
Maybe bluey-green. With little swirls of white.
HOLLY
Magnus, stop touching the Sapphire of Assessment.
MAGNUS
I’m not touching it! I’m just putting my hand near it as I focus my brainial waveforms on it.
HOLLY
Stop it!
MAGNUS
Look! I’m not even touching it! I’m not! Look!
HOLLY
Magnus!
MUSIC STING
HOLLY
Don’t forget, Alba! Keep looking into the Sapphire.
ALBA
It doesn’t matter where I look.
HOLLY
But it helps to focus the mind.
ALBA
Yes, yes, you’re right.
(under her breath)
I suppose it does keep the violent urges at bay.
HOLLY
Pardon?
ALBA
Nothing, nothing. Three.
MUSIC STING
HOLLY
Question thirty-three. Would you rather try new flavours of pie or climb to the top of the tallest mountain?
Well, pie, obviously.
I’ll put that down as a ten! Question thirty-four. Do you prefer being physically active, or making yourself useful?
Can’t I be both?
Five, then? How about five? Hello?
So shiny…
Holly, please pay attention!
Sorry!
She laughs and laughs.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING RECEPTION—CONTINUOUS
Holly is still laughing in the background.
MAGNUS
Welp. This is fun.
PEARCEY
I knew it was a bad idea.
ALBA
It’s all part of a learning process.
PEARCEY
How much longer do you think she’s going to be? Perhaps we can get on with some actual business.
The front door opens, and the bell rings. Travin, an awkward 20-something wizard, enters, wheeling a cart.
TRAVIN
Hey. So. I’m looking for Alba?
ALBA
Yes?
TRAVIN
I’m Travin? I’m from Magic Support. I got your new Secure Storage Unit here.
ALBA
Oh good. Thank you.
MAGNUS
That little thing? How is that gonna hold everything in the pantry?
TRAVIN
Oh, the DragonHoard 3C comes compressed. I’m gonna take it out of the packaging, and it’s gonna expand to fill basically the whole room.
MAGNUS
What! That’s so cool.
TRAVIN
Pantry’s back here?
ALBA
Down the hall on your right. You’ll see it.
MAGNUS
Can I watch?
TRAVIN
Sure.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING PANTRY—CONTINUOUS
Magnus and Travin wheel the cart down the hall to the pantry and unload a big box.
TRAVIN
Watch out, it’s heavy.
MAGNUS
You’re not kidding!
TRAVIN
So, we just gotta line it up in the very center of the room, so it doesn’t go crooked and damage any walls.
MAGNUS
Right. Makes sense.
TRAVIN
Then just cut this open, slide this off…
He cuts a couple of straps, then pulls away a wooden cover. A soft crackle and hiss, like an air mattress.
MAGNUS
And there it is. How awesome is that?
TRAVIN
Yeah. And now we wait.
MAGNUS
Is it doing anything?
TRAVIN
Takes a while for it to expand to full size.
MAGNUS
Right.
So is this your job, installing these things?
TRAVIN
Any kind of magic fixtures. We got a big project coming up for the Transmutation lab—
Down the hall, the exam room door opens, and Holly emerges. Her voice carries down the hall.
HOLLY
All right, team! Time for our results!
ALBA
Magnus!
MAGNUS
We’re busy!
ALBA
No you’re not. Get in here and get your damn results.
MAGNUS
(sighs)
Fine.
TRAVIN
Trust me, you’re not missing out on anything.
Magnus trudges back to reception.
MAGNUS
(under his breath)
I should have been a wizard. I could totally go to wizard school.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING RECEPTION
ALBA
All right, let’s get this over with.
PEARCEY
Yes. I’m due at the Chancellor’s office soon.
MAGNUS
Hey, don’t touch the Sapphire of Assessment, Holly.
HOLLY
I’m the one administering the test. I have to hold the Sapphire to my head like this while I choose the cards. It helps amplify my mental vibrations.
MAGNUS
(snickers)
HOLLY
Who wants to go first?
Silence.
MAGNUS
Fine, I’ll go. This better be good, Holly.
HOLLY
It’s not good or bad. There’s no judgement. It’s a reflection of your true inner self.
MAGNUS
So, like, the King of Hellfire.
Holly turns up a card.
HOLLY
The Princeling of Waters.
MAGNUS
“Princeling”? Seriously?
HOLLY
He’s got a nice hat!
MAGNUS
Aw, man… Even the picture makes him look like a dork. I pronounce your test officially lame.
HOLLY
(reads)
Um… “This card signifies a rebellious spirit who questions authority at every turn.”
ALBA
Well.
MAGNUS
(suddenly liking this)
Tell me more of this fascinating result.
HOLLY
“They struggle against the system and are often resourceful and inventive, even though…”
MAGNUS
…their genius goes unappreciated?
HOLLY
“…they may appear opportunistic and lazy.”
MAGNUS
To the uneducated layperson. Go back to the part about fighting the system?
PEARCEY
I’d hoped the point of this test was to find ways to channel your strengths into positive results for the team.
HOLLY
That’s right.
MAGNUS
No way, baby. I’m sticking it to the man!
ALBA
Yes, you’re quite the rebel.
MAGNUS
You know it.
HOLLY
Okay! Let’s do yours, Alba.
ALBA
All right.
Holly shuffles and deals.
MAGNUS
My money’s on The Old Maid. Of Broomsticks. Or the Tyrant. Is there a Tyrant?
HOLLY
No, it looks like—oh my gosh! The Princeling of Waters.
ALBA
Really.
MAGNUS
What? That’s my card! She can’t have mine!
PEARCEY
That is an amusing coincidence.
HOLLY
Oh, it’s not a coincidence!
MAGNUS
Clearly your cards are stuck or something.
ALBA
I suspect improper shuffling.
PEARCEY
Perhaps the two of you have more in common than you think.
MAGNUS
Like heck.
ALBA
Gods help me.
HOLLY
That’s so interesting…
PEARCEY
Alba, you were a little bit of a terror in your school days, I hear.
ALBA
People say the damnedest things, don’t they?
HOLLY
It’s true, though! Alba, you are resourceful and inventive, and you don’t listen to authority much.
PEARCEY
This will be interesting when we talk about work habits and interpersonal strategies.
ALBA
I’m curious to see what card you get, Ms Pearcey.
PEARCEY
Yes, all right.
MAGNUS
Nobody else better get Princeling of Waters.
Holly deals out another card.
HOLLY
No! It’s The Scribe. “A figure who maintains rational order and values competence, honesty and reliability.” Right? That’s so you!
PEARCEY
(warming to it)
I suppose that’s not a bad description.
HOLLY
“A keeper of knowledge…”
PEARCEY
Hmm! Fair enough.
HOLLY
“…and a keeper of secrets.”
ALBA
Secrets?
HOLLY
Ooh, that sounds mysterious.
PEARCEY
(hastily)
It just means that I’m trustworthy, obviously, and am often privy to official secrets by virtue of my position.
HOLLY
(lightly)
You don’t have any deep, dark secrets, Ms Pearcey?
ALBA
Yes, do tell.
PEARCEY
Well!
Holly, let’s find out what personality type you are.
HOLLY
Okay!
MAGNUS
Can you trust this test if you ran it on yourself?
ALBA
It’s probably just as useful as everyone else’s results.
Holly turns over a card.
MAGNUS
“The Queen of the Wind”?
HOLLY
Aw, that does sound like me!
She flutters her wings.
MAGNUS
Careful with those wings, O Queen.
HOLLY
Sorry, I just got excited! Let’s see. Oooh! “A spirit with a deep connection to the primal forces of nature.”
ALBA
That’s one way of putting it.
HOLLY
“A dynamic personality…”
(her excitement drains away)
“…who is fated to bring doom and destruction.”
Beat.
MAGNUS
Ha ha!
ALBA
That sounds about right, actually.
HOLLY
No, it can’t be. I’m a good fairy and I help people!
MAGNUS
(mocking laughter)
Bringer of doom!
HOLLY
Magnus, this is me we’re talking about! I’d never bring doom!
MAGNUS
Who almost got us eaten by bears?
HOLLY
That wasn’t my fault! I was starving and they had porridge!
PEARCEY
Bears?
ALBA
I seem to remember a fair number of lab explosions.
HOLLY
Magnus brings on way more doom than I do.
MAGNUS
(scoffs)
PEARCEY
All right. We can’t take this test too seriously. This is simply a mildly entertaining game to spark conversation.
HOLLY
But… I looked into the Sapphire. Do you think it sensed a mental vibration from deep in my spirit that I’ve been hiding from all this time?
ALBA
I think it tells us a lot of random traits that could match anyone.
HOLLY
I’m scared, Ms Pearcey.
MAGNUS
Yeah, I dunno… maybe you should take the rest of the day off. You know, just in case.
HOLLY
In case what?
MAGNUS
In case you have a mental vibration.
HOLLY
You’re a mental vibration.
There’s a crackle, then a huge BLAM! from the pantry.
ALBA
What the hell was that?
HOLLY
Oh no!
Travin appears in the doorway.
TRAVIN
(coughing)
So… slight problem with the install.
ALBA
What happened?
HOLLY
Oh my gosh. It’s happening already.
TRAVIN
I think we might have mis-measured the amount of free space.
PEARCEY
What?! Is anything damaged?
TRAVIN
I mean… little bit. Just might need to get someone in to look at the walls, and make sure they’re still sound.
PEARCEY
This is unacceptable. Show me.
TRAVIN
Well, you know, sometimes these old buildings, they expand and contract with the cold…
Pearcey, Travin and Magnus follow him to the back hallway.
HOLLY
(whispers)
It’s all my fault.
ALBA
Holly…
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING HALLWAY
Dust and debris settle.
PEARCEY
Did you double-check the measurements before you opened the package?
TRAVIN
(guilty)
Yeah!
PEARCEY
Did you?
TRAVIN
I… I mean…
MAGNUS
Yeah, he totally did. I saw him.
PEARCEY
I see.
MAGNUS
Can’t you just shrink it?
PEARCEY
No, he can’t. Once installed, it’s proof against most types of magic. And even if we did shrink it, I don’t trust this building to stay standing now.
TRAVIN
It’s really not that bad.
PEARCEY
I’m going to talk to the head of your department, young man. And they need to get the emergency team down here on the double. Come on, let’s clear the building.
(calls)
Everyone out! Holly? Ms Salix? Hello?
MUSIC STING
EXT. FOREST—DAY
Holly is crouched under a tree. Alba approaches softly.
HOLLY
I’m a monster. I bring doom and destruction everywhere I go.
ALBA
I thought I might find you here.
HOLLY
Alba, no. You can’t be around me. It’s not safe.
ALBA
Holly, you pulled a random card out of a deck.
HOLLY
And then the whole House of Healing nearly fell down!
ALBA
It didn’t. And it certainly wasn’t your fault.
HOLLY
I brought this on us, Alba.
ALBA
You did no such bloody thing. It was that so-called wizard from the Ministry. He didn’t measure properly. He didn’t even install the unit with the door facing out.
You are a good fairy and you help people.
HOLLY
That’s just a thing I say to make myself feel better.
ALBA
It’s true. You are good. You’re good because you care. That’s who you are. That’s something to be proud of.
So take it easy today. Pearcey’s not letting us back in the building anyway. Go get some rest.
HOLLY
Thanks, Alba.
ALBA
See you in the morning.
MUSIC STING
EXT. HOUSE OF HEALING GARDEN—DAY
Magnus and Travin survey the damage.
TRAVIN
They’re being so stupid. The building’s gonna be fine. It’s just a little plaster off the walls.
MAGNUS
I know, right? That Pearcey is such a tightass.
TRAVIN
Yeah. Oh, hey, thanks for covering for me in there.
MAGNUS
You got it, dude. Oh, shoot, that reminds me.
TRAVIN
What’s up?
MAGNUS
While you’re here, Alba wanted me to ask you about a problem with the cabinet in her office.
TRAVIN
That’s the DragonHoard 11S?
MAGNUS
Yeah, the big new shiny red one?
TRAVIN
(sighs)
What’s wrong with it?
MAGNUS
It’s kinda dumb. We forgot the password. You know, we’re supposed to choose one that’s hard to guess, and Pearcey’s all like, “No, you can’t write it down!”
TRAVIN
Well, I mean, that’s good practice, but yeah.
MAGNUS
I wanna say it was something like “double, double, toil and trouble” but it’s not working. Any way you can tell what Alb… what we set it to?
TRAVIN
No, there’s no way to find out. But… if you want, I can reset the password, and you can just choose a new one.
MAGNUS
Really? That would be amazing.
TRAVIN
Oh yeah, it’s no problem.
MAGNUS
You’re saving my life, man. Seriously.
MUSIC STING
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING OFFICE
Magnus hunts through the cabinet.
MAGNUS
Oo, nice wand.
Amulet… boring.
Teapot… lame.
Heyyy, now this looks demonic.
He flips through a book.
MAGNUS
Dammit, I gotta learn me some languages.
Whoa, that’s… graphic. Ugh.
Magnus shuts the book quickly.
He pulls out a big knife and unsheaths it.
MAGNUS
Oh ho ho. You beautiful, beautiful thing.
He swishes it through the air a few times.
MAGNUS
Ohh, that is so cool. Yeah. You probably got a name, like Blade of the Night… Sky Talon… Drinker of Souls.
The blade emits scorching, crackling flames.
MAGNUS
No way! Alba, where did you get this awesome knife?
He swings it around some more, causing great whooshes of flame.
MAGNUS
Aw yeah.
Aw yeah.
And inevitably, sets some of the nearby papers on fire.
MAGNUS
Oh crap. Oh crap crap crap.
He runs around trying to beat out the flames.
MAGNUS
Okay. Okay. Everything’s gonna be fine. It wasn’t even me! I wasn’t even here. Oh gods I’m so dead.
From the next room comes the sound of the front door bell.
MAGNUS
Aaa!
HOLLY
(calls)
Hello? Who’s here?
She runs in just as Magnus puts out the last of the fire.
HOLLY
Magnus! What are you doing in here?
MAGNUS
Me? I’m… Nothing! What are you doing in here?
HOLLY
I saw lights inside and—oh my gosh! What did you do?
MAGNUS
Nothing!
HOLLY
Yeah, right. I knew you’d be up to something.
MAGNUS
What do you mean? I saw the fire too and I came in to fight it.
HOLLY
Why is the red cabinet open?
MAGNUS
Uh… because of the fire, it popped open. Like popcorn.
HOLLY
Uh huh? Who’s causing doom and destruction now?
MAGNUS
The fire’s out! There was hardly any destruction.
HOLLY
Except for Alba’s papers.
MAGNUS
I know. Oh geez. You gotta help me hide them.
HOLLY
No! We have to get out of here! The building’s not safe.
MAGNUS
Travin says the building is totally fine.
HOLLY
Like he’d know.
MAGNUS
He’s a wizard. He knows stuff.
HOLLY
Magnus, just close the cabinet and let’s go.
There’s a faint tapping sound.
MAGNUS
Wait. What’s that noise?
HOLLY
Magnus, leave it!
MAGNUS
It’s coming from inside this bag.
He picks up a heavy cloth bag and opens it. The tapping turns into fluttering: something small battering its wings against the inside of a glass jar.
HOLLY
Stop touching things! Do you want to bring doom and—aww, it’s a little butterfly!
MAGNUS
Holly…
HOLLY
Oh no, he’s stuck. Well, thank goodness we got that fire put out. He could have been killed!
MAGNUS
Holly, why does Alba have a butterfly in a jar? In a bag? In the back of a magic-proof locked cabinet?
HOLLY
Exactly. I’m going to have a word with her when she comes back. Look at his tiny face! He’s so sad.
MAGNUS
But don’t you think he might be dangerous too? Or is Alba secretly evil?
HOLLY
He’s just a butterfly. Just hang on, little guy.
MAGNUS
How do you even know it’s a he?
HOLLY
My people train butterflies.
MAGNUS
To do what? Harvest nectar? Carry flower petals?
HOLLY
On Midsummer’s Day they dance! You should see it—fairies and butterflies turning the sky into fountains of colour!
MAGNUS
…Right.
HOLLY
Here you go, buddy. You’re free!
She opens the lid. A tiny patter of feet on the glass.
MAGNUS
You gonna dance for us, Mister Butterfly?
BUTTERFLY
(a tiny, growling voice)
No.
Shocked silence.
MAGNUS
You talk?
HOLLY
Oh my gosh, you do talk. Hello! My name’s Holly.
BUTTERFLY
I will not dance for you, Holly.
HOLLY
That’s okay! You don’t have to.
BUTTERFLY
The two of you are going to dance for me.
MAGNUS
Shyeah right. Last animal who told me to dance, I got out a shovel and I—
He’s cut short by a blast of lighting.
MAGNUS
OW! Holy dangit it to heck in a—ow!
Tiny fluttering wings. Another blast.
BUTTERFLY
Dance, human! Come on! Ha ha ha ha!
MAGNUS
Aaa! Stop that! Holly!
HOLLY
It’s okay, Mister Butterfly!
MAGNUS
Get this thing away from me!
HOLLY
Magnus, be nice! He’s not a “thing”.
MAGNUS
He shoots lightning!
HOLLY
He’s just disoriented.
MAGNUS
Lightning, Holly!
BUTTERFLY
Did I hear right, fairy? You enslave my people?
HOLLY
What? We don’t enslave! It’s artistic collaboration!
BUTTERFLY
Lies!
Another crackle of lightning.
HOLLY
Aaa! That’s not nice. I just rescued you!
MAGNUS
Yeah, what were you doing in that jar, anyway?
BUTTERFLY
She imprisoned me. The human hag. Said she didn’t want me in her garden. She would have me go hungry, she would!
HOLLY
What? No! We have plenty of nice flowers you can drink from. Or… we did until yesterday, anyway.
BUTTERFLY
Drink from the flowers? Oh no. Nectar is sweet. But now I feed on something far sweeter—pure beauty!
MAGNUS
What does that mean?
HOLLY
It was you that ate all the flowers?
BUTTERFLY
(chuckles)
Oh, they were delicious. And all the lovely shiny beetles and ladybugs…
HOLLY
(gasps)
MAGNUS
Since when do butterflies eat ladybugs?
BUTTERFLY
I would have had that pretty little bunny rabbit, too, if that evil witch hadn’t caught me.
MAGNUS
You? Eat a bunny rabbit? I’d like to see that.
The butterfly gives a monstrous screech.
HOLLY
Eeek!
MAGNUS (SIMULTANEOUS)
Whoa! Whoa, teeth!
BUTTERFLY
That could be arranged.
MAGNUS
Nope! Nope, don’t need to see that!
HOLLY
You ate Alba’s flowers and herbs and all the little bugs, and she’s the evil one? I don’t think so!
The butterfly flaps about, gnashing his sharp teeth.
BUTTERFLY
Soon I shall feast upon her bones. But first, I shall feast upon yours, fairy!
A flash of lighting.
MAGNUS
Whoa! Help! Fire!
BUTTERFLY
I shall drink your tears.
HOLLY
Stop it!
BUTTERFLY
Fear me! I am Pelipaghh the Devourer!
HOLLY
Yeah, well, I’m… I’m Holly, the Queen of the Wind!
Holly’s voice grows low and fierce as she takes to the air too. Wind howls around her, and lightning scorches the room.
BUTTERFLY
I do not fear the little minions of the witch.
HOLLY
We’re not minions! We’re staff!
BUTTERFLY
You serve her whims.
HOLLY
Come here, you!
Another bolt of lightning.
BUTTERFLY
Ha ha ha!
HOLLY
Get back in your jar!
The wind grows louder.
MAGNUS
Holly! What the heck? Are you doing that?
The butterfly screams in terror as he is swept into the middle of a whirlwind.
BUTTERFLY
Aaaaa! No! Let me go!
HOLLY
(low and terrifying)
I am Queen of the Wind. I bring doom and destruction! Starting with you!
BUTTERFLY
Noooo!
MAGNUS
Holly!
HOLLY
Magnus, get the jar.
MAGNUS
Right. Right.
BUTTERFLY
Aaaaaa!
The whirlwind deposits the frantic butterfly in the jar, which Magnus quickly corks.
MAGNUS
Got him. Thank the gods. Here. One evil butterfly.
HOLLY
Say you’re sorry!
BUTTERFLY
(panting, defeated)
I will not! Filthy fairy!
HOLLY
Say it!
BUTTERFLY
No! You can imprison me but you can never—aaaaaa!
Holly shakes the jar, rattling the butterfly around inside. She laughs madly.
BUTTERFLY
Okay, okay! I’m sorry! Aaa!
MAGNUS
Whoa, whoa, let’s all calm down. Queen of the Wind, I got it.
HOLLY
What’s that? I can’t hear you!
BUTTERFLY
I’m sorry! Uncle!
MAGNUS
Holly, why don’t we, uh, just put him back in the cabinet?
BUTTERFLY
Yeah. Yeah. I’ll go back in the cabinet. It’s good. I’ll be good.
Still breathing hard from the fight, Holly and Magnus stuff the jar back into the bag and shut it back in the cabinet.
MAGNUS
That was amazing, Holly. I didn’t know you could do that.
HOLLY
(softly)
Neither did I. Gosh.
MAGNUS
Totally badass.
HOLLY
Thanks.
(she takes a deep breath and lets it out)
Wow.
Something tinkles to the floor.
MAGNUS
So dead.
MUSIC STING
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING EXAM ROOM
HOLLY
New item.
Magical bells chime. A quill scribbles.
CATALOGUER
(a cheerful artificial voice)
Please state item name.
HOLLY
The Eye of Morgulan.
More scribbling.
CATALOGUER
The Eye of Morgan Land. Is not a recognized artifact.
HOLLY
Morgulan. It’s Morgulan.
CATALOGUER
Morgan Land It’s Morgan Land. Is not a recognized artifact.
MAGNUS
(sighs)
Hand me the book.
Magnus hands Holly a giant tome. She starts flipping pages as the catalogue drones on.
CATALOGUER
Please state index number from Bisnayan’s Compendium of Magical Artifacts.
MAGNUS
This is the worst.
HOLLY
Shhh.
CATALOGUER
Sorry, I don’t understand that index number.
HOLLY
(whispers)
You’re confusing the cataloguer.
MAGNUS
Well, the cataloguer is stupid.
CATALOGUER
Sorry, I don’t understand that index number. Do you want to start over?
HOLLY
No!
Meanwhile, Alba enters.
ALBA
What’s the problem now?
HOLLY
There’s no problem!
MAGNUS
Alba, what is the actual point of a magical catalogue system if you have to look everything up in the book anyway?
ALBA
It keeps idle hands busy.
MAGNUS
Right.
CATALOGUER
Sorry, I don’t understand that index number. Do you want to start over?
HOLLY
Gaaah!
CLOSING THEME
CREDITS
ELI
In “Tried and Tested”, Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode Two, you heard Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix, Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey,
with Abbas Hussain as the Butterfly, Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice,
and special guests Michael Howie as Travin and Jasmin Cheng as the Catalogue.
Script, music and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen.
Associate Producers: Paul Tedesco, Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson and Jack Pevyhouse.
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger.
Executive Producer: Dave Addison.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Donors get weekly bonus content, early access to episodes, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at albasalix.com.
TAG: BACK HALLWAY
TRAVIN
I mean, you’re gonna have to lose these cupboards anyway when we put in the fire suppression system.
Magnus pokes his head out of the reception area.
MAGNUS
Did someone say “sledgehammer”?
ALBA
No.
MAGNUS
Okay.
OUTRO: OUR SPONSOR
ELI
This episode has been brought to you by The Amelia Project, a delightfully witty audio drama podcast about an agency who help their clients disappear. Look them up at ameliapodcast.com.