While Alba and Holly tend to Queen Parbel, Ms Pearcey gets some unexpected assistance, and Magnus gets in trouble.
Starring:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
Olivia Jon as Holly
Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey
with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice
Robert Frances as Jerome
Abbas Hussain as Guy van Fleet
Marisa King as Queen Parabel
George Bertwell as King Gunther
Michael Howie as Travin
Written by Sean Howard
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen
Associate producers: Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse and Paul Tedesco
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger
Executive Producer: Dave Addison.
Content warning: Fire, flood, confinement, near-drowning, interrogation and misgendering.
This episode has been brought to you by Anansi Storytime, our favourite spider sharing Fairy Tales and Folklore from cultures all over the world as audio plays. Look them up at anansistorytime.com/.
INTRODUCTION
ELI
Hey! Hola! Salut! What’s up? It’s Eli, co-producer of Alba Salix, here to bring you Season 2, Episode 3.
And first, I wanted to tell you a little about our Patreon. And that is a way you can support our shows, which helps us pay our actors, pay for studio time and hosting, all that stuff. So for as little as a dollar a month, you can get things like unaired scripts, writers’ notes on each episode, sound design breakdowns, deleted scenes and a ton more stuff. Plus, you’ll get access to our Discord server, where we’ve got a really wonderful, warm, supportive community of fans and creators growing. So we hope you’ll check that out. Find out all about it at patreon.com/albasalix.
This episode is brought to you by Anansi Storytime. So, maybe you’ve heard of Anansi? He’s a spider from Akan folklore, and he’s also known as the keeper of all stories.
So Anansi Storytime is a podcast that spins tales from all over the world into charming short audio plays. They just wrapped up their second season, which was all trickster stories, and you just know we dig a good trickster story around here.
Check them out at spiderstorytime.com. And now: Alba Salix, Season 2, Episode 3.
> MUSIC STING
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING OFFICE
ALBA
(reading)
For colour and lettering standards, see Volume Seven, Chapter Four…
(sighs)
She pulls out a heavy book and flips through it as Holly bursts in.
HOLLY
Hey Alba! We’ve been summoned to the Palace.
ALBA
Is it Her Majesty again?
HOLLY
Yup! Time to check on the royal baby.
ALBA
Which sadly means we have to check on the royal mother-to-be. And I was so looking forward to curling up with these interior signage regulations. All right.
Alba tosses the book down.
MAGNUS
(blearily, from under a desk)
What!?
HOLLY
I’ll get your house call bag.
ALBA
Thanks.
She pushes her chair back and stands.
MAGNUS
Ow….
ALBA
Where’s Magnus?
HOLLY
(suddenly dark)
WHO CARES.
(chipper again)
I mean… No, I haven’t seen him all morning!
ALBA
Dammit. Magnus!
MAGNUS
Yes, your Loudness. What is it.
ALBA
Why are you under the desk?
MAGNUS
It’s not my fault. It was those damn fairies… and all their prancing…
ALBA
I need you to cover reception, Magnus.
MAGNUS
Can’t we just close for the day?
ALBA
No, we can’t. What’s wrong with you now?
Holly comes back in with a bag.
HOLLY
Oh, look, there he is.
Magnus came with me to the fairy circle celebration last night!
ALBA
Magnus did?
HOLLY
Yes! He ate all the fairy cakes…
MAGNUS
Well, you guys should have stopped me.
HOLLY
(still smiling)
And then he made fun of everyone, knocked over one of the stones and threw up on my friend Starlight.
MAGNUS
Ughhh. My head hurts.
HOLLY
It serves you right!
ALBA
Magnus, pull yourself together. Holly and I are off to the Palace.
MAGNUS
All right, all right, all right. I got it. I’ll hold down the fort.
ALBA
Thank you.
HOLLY
Yay! You’re going to be an auntie, Alba. Again!
Alba and Holly hurry out. Magnus slumps into a chair.
MAGNUS
Holding down the fort. Just gonna… close my eyes for a sec.
He begins to snore.
> OPENING THEME
HERALD
By Appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician—Volume Two!
MAGNUS
C’mon, keep it down! I’m dying here.
HERALD
(whispering)
Oh, sorry.
The drums kick in.
MAGNUS
Aw, man!
HERALD
(whispers)
Episode the Third: Burning Questions.
INT. PARABEL’S CHAMBERS
Parabel’s footsteps.
ALBA
I can’t examine you if you keep pacing like that.
PARABEL
I think better when I am pacing.
ALBA
Well, if you pace less, you might think less, and it might spare us from any more decrees about pink buildings. Sit. Holly?
HOLLY
Pink is nice!
ALBA
I meant, bring me the Sceptre of Sanela.
HOLLY
Oh right. You got it.
PARABEL
Your snide remarks aside… it’s good you are here. I’ve been thinking about how to serve those in need. How the few must sacrifice so that the many might flourish.
ALBA
(under her breath)
Artena, grant me strength.
PARABEL
How the poor, grubby masses rely on us for their guidance and safety.
ALBA
Mm hmmm.
HOLLY
Here you go, Alba.
PARABEL
How one Queen must rise above her people.
ALBA
Well, you’ve got that part down.
Sound of magic building.
PARABEL
Yes. I have risen to what my station demands of me. With this crown comes great responsibili—ouch!
The magic cuts off with a crackle.
ALBA
Hold still!
PARABEL
I’ve been holding still for you all morning! I need an answer.
ALBA
We’re not calling a coin toss here. It’s complicated at the best of times. And the earlier we do it, the less reliable the scrying.
PARABEL
The scry-ing or the scry-er?
ALBA
(mutters)
Well, Your Majesty’s temperament is completely normal.
PARABEL
What was that?
ALBA
Your humours are as well balanced as ever, your Majesty.
PARABEL
I should hire a proper physician.
I need to know if my child is a boy or a girl.
ALBA
All the readings so far are somewhere in the middle. It could be either. Or neither. Which is why we need to recalibrate the Sceptre. It’s a very sensitive piece of—
Another rush of magic. Part of the sceptre falls off and clatters on the floor.
HOLLY
I’m sorry, Alba! It’s like it jumped out of my hand.
ALBA
It’s fine. Just bring me the backup calibrator from the bag.
PARABEL
I’ll cancel my next appointment, shall I?
HOLLY
Here you go, Alba.
Magic builds and then dies with a clunk.
ALBA
Oh, now what?
PARABEL
Well?
A clicking sound.
HOLLY
I just charged it!
PARABEL
(stands)
Enough. I need to know the sex of this child, Alba.
ALBA
Yes, yes. There’s so much planning to do for the baby shower.
PARABEL
(paces to the window)
You don’t know the half of it.
ALBA
Holly, hold the sceptre. I’m going to replace the power stone.
HOLLY
Holding on!
PARABEL
(alone, gripping the windowsill)
I see it coming. A darkness that consumes everything it touches. Kingdom by kingdom it stalks us. Until only we remain, blissfully ignorant as the mouse before the cobra strikes. Their puppet prince hungry to rule and no legitimate heir in sight…
A snap and a shower of sparks.
ALBA
Dammit!
HOLLY
Oh my gosh.
All our equipment is failing. It’s like the baby doesn’t want us to know.
ALBA
It’s an embryo, Holly, not a sorcerer.
All right, let’s do this the old-fashioned way.
HOLLY
A resonating salve?
ALBA
Yes.
Parabel, the salve we’re going to use tests the physical signs only, so it’s not always reliable at this stage—and you’re not even listening.
PARABEL
Can you see them, sister? My subjects. How they scurry to attend to their duty, ignorant of the predator watching from the shadows. Such mindless little things, grovelling before their queen like… like ants, with those horrid little antenna things.
ALBA
I thought we were mice.
PARABEL
Ugh!
HOLLY
(whispers)
Alba, human babies don’t have antennae, do they?
ALBA
Not typically.
HOLLY
Oh. Phew! I thought I’d missed something.
ALBA
Lie back, please, Your Majesty. And hold the royal garments up over your belly, thank you.
Holly opens a bottle.
HOLLY
Sorry, Your Majesty. I didn’t have time to warm the salve up.
PARABEL
It’s no matter.
(a sharp breath in)
A shimmer of magic, more subtle and stable.
HOLLY
Oh, wow. It’s starting to glow already!
ALBA
So it is.
Well, Your Majesty, you can break out the fireworks and the good napkins.
PARABEL
It’s… good news?
HOLLY
Hooray!
ALBA
It’s a boy.
PARABEL
What?!
ALBA
As I said, it’s not one hundred percent reliable at this stage, but it appears your baby is male in body, with all the dangling bits required by ancient custom to profess your child an heir to the throne.
PARABEL
No. No!
HOLLY
Your Majesty!
PARABEL
Get away from me.
HOLLY
I’m so sorry! Do you want a towel for the salve?
Parabel snatches the towel from Holly.
PARABEL
Alba. Listen to me. You must help me to hide this and speak of this to no one.
ALBA
I know you had your heart set on having a third daughter of a third daughter of a third daughter. But for heaven’s sake—
PARABEL
For once in your misspent life, listen to me! Our kingdom hangs by a thread! We must hide the sex of this child from everyone, forever!
ALBA
What kind of life is that going to be? Parabel, come on. Sit down. Would you like a sedative? Holly, get a sedative.
PARABEL
Ha! I’m just hysterical, is that it, sister?
ALBA
Parabel, what’s gotten into you?
PARABEL
Only concern for my child and my people.
Scurry elsewhere. You are dismissed!
Parabel flows out of the room.
ALBA
(sighs)
As usual.
> MUSIC STING
INT. ANTALIA PEARCEY’S APARTMENT
LORIA
Oh, Madam Minister… are you awake?
PEARCEY
(in her sleep)
No. No! Keep the boats back! Don’t let them come any closer! They’ll eat each other!
LORIA
There’s no boats. Sweetie, wake up.
PEARCEY
What? Oh, goodness.
LORIA
Bad dreams?
PEARCEY
Ministry of Transportation dreams.
LORIA
I got that.
Pearcey flops back down.
PEARCEY
Those are always the worst.
It was the Dragon Boat-Swan Boat merger all over again. So much blood.
LORIA
It’s okay.
Outside, a bell tolls the hour. Pearcey sits bolt upright.
PEARCEY
Oh no, what time is it?
LORIA
(yawns)
We should probably get up.
Pearcey is already up. She runs around the room getting dressed.
PEARCEY
We’ve overslept.
LORIA
You needed your rest! You were up all night working.
PEARCEY
When is my first appointment?
LORIA
Your morning is open.
Tally-cakes. Relax. You’ve got to treat yourself better than this. Slow down. You’ve got your shirt on inside out.
PEARCEY
Oh… hells.
LORIA
Or you could leave it off.
PEARCEY
(laughs)
Be good. We have work to do.
LORIA
We tamed a fleet of dragons. Wizards should be easy.
Pearcey pours water into a basin to wash her face.
PEARCEY
Ugh. It’s all the bowing that gets me.
“Ah, Minister, you enlighten us SO with your interesting suggestions.” “Ah Minister, you see with such brilliance and clarity, for a commoner.”
LORIA
Commoner? Did they say that?
PEARCEY
Oh yes. Just yesterday.
They’re all waiting it out, praying that I’m just going to disappear in a puff of smoke. And then they can get back to their incestuous, nepotistic old-wizard-club ways.
LORIA
You do like a good challenge…
PEARCEY
I suppose I do.
Who is today’s first audience?
LORIA
Oh… Let me think.
PEARCEY
Or perhaps we should get our little bottom out of bed and check the diary?
LORIA
Well, that’s no fun!
PEARCEY
Exactly. There will be no fun in my department!
She tickles Loria, who springs out of bed.
LORIA
Eek! Help!
(laughing)
No fun! I promise!
Screaming and laughter as Pearcey chases Loria around the room.
LORIA
Okay, okay! I have the diary! Stop!
PEARCEY
And our first audience…?
LORIA
Is… the Office of Dissipation, Viticulture and Profligate Expenditures.
PEARCEY
Well. This has all the tell-tale signs of a truly stupendous day.
LORIA
(in her snooty, professional voice)
Shall I fetch your robes of office?
PEARCEY.
(snooty too)
Yes. And my reading lenses.
And a ledger, doesn’t matter which. I want them to think I’m reviewing their spending.
LORIA
At once, Minister. You enlighten us SO with your wisdom…
PEARCEY
Ms Berenice. Are you making fun?
LORIA
Nope! No fun.
PEARCEY
Oh, and has King Gunther sent word about my request?
LORIA
Which request?
PEARCEY
To hire an additional staff member? You did send it.
LORIA
I think… Oh wait. Yeah, I did!
PEARCEY
Loria.
LORIA
I don’t memorize every note that lands on my desk. If you’re going to be grumpy, you can write your own requests.
She stalks off.
PEARCEY
(takes a deep breath)
I’m sorry, I’m just overwhelmed lately. The King expects me to overhaul a department I know next to nothing about and refuses to send me any assistance.
LORIA
(clears her throat)
PEARCEY
My little L‑Bear, your assistance goes above and beyond the call of duty.
I speak of a need for one with less fire and duller claws.
LORIA
(purrs)
Meow!
PEARCEY
And less temptation! Now get dressed!
A knock at the door.
PEARCEY
Now what?
We follow Pearcey to the front hall. She opens the door.
TRAVIN
Hey…
PEARCEY
Yes? Oh, it’s… Travin, isn’t it?
TRAVIN
Yeah. Hey. Package for you from Magic Support.
PEARCEY
(with withering sarcasm)
Oh good. What new wonder do you have for me today?
TRAVIN
It’s this…
PEARCEY
A rock.
TRAVIN
Plus a note from the king.
PEARCEY
The king? What’s the note?
TRAVIN
Let’s see…
(clears throat)
He unfolds a letter. Crossfade to Gunther as he writes the message at his desk.
TRAVIN AND GUNTHER
“His Majesty King Gunther the Third hereby acknowledges on the 23rd day of this month of the Rooster, that he has received your—”
PEARCEY
Is there any way you might be able to get to the actual message in this message?
TRAVIN
Yeah, sorry.
GUNTHER
Most rude. Where was I? Oh yes.
The Office of Appropriations has come up with a firecracker of an idea: out-sourcing! I believe I have that right. We get the people we need but only pay a fraction of the normal costs. This is a great boon, as now we should be able to afford that state banquet next week. And those dancers from Vanyaco I’ve been so looking forward to.
(clears throat, gets back on track)
With that in mind, please accept this new Spectral Assistant, which I trust will serve you well.
His Royal Majesty, Gunther the Third, King of Farloria and benevolent protector of—
PEARCEY
Yes. Got it. Much obliged. Is he sending someone or not?
TRAVIN
Yeah. That’s what this is.
PEARCEY
This is a rock.
TRAVIN
Yeah, so that’s your Spectral Assistant. The rock is just the hardware. Like, the physical thing it’s bound to.
Silence.
PEARCEY
No. No, we’re done. You and your rock are dismissed.
She starts to shut the door.
TRAVIN
Oh no, c’mon, wait. I’m supposed to deliver this to you. If I don’t, my manager is gonna be on my case.
PEARCEY
Fine. Give it here. Just tell me it’s not going to go haywire and knock down the building.
TRAVIN
Uh… it shouldn’t.
PEARCEY
Good. Thank you.
TRAVIN
You’re welcome, Madam—
Pearcey shuts the door in his face.
LORIA
What is that?
PEARCEY.
Don’t ask.
The calm, even voice of Leon Stamatis (of the podcast Greater Boston) emerges from the rock.
LEON
Ah, good day.
PEARCEY
(screams and drops the rock)
LEON
My name is Leon, and I have been assigned to you by the Incorporeal Workers’ Union as part of my afterlife release program.
LORIA
A talking rock?
PEARCEY
Childish. Do I have Travin to thank for this hilarious joke? Or some other short-sighted, pointy-hatted imbecile?
LEON
I assure you that this is no prank, Minister.
LORIA
You did say you wanted someone solid…
PEARCEY
Don’t you start too. I need dependable assistance, not a rock.
LEON
There is nothing more solid and dependable than a rock. Rocks have stood the test of time, witnessing the rise and fall of countless civilizations. They are the very definition of dependable.
LORIA
Right. So how do you assist?
LEON
This piece of obsidian has been tuned and updated to run Igneous 4.2.1. It acts as an anchor for my Prescient Outsourced Presence.
PEARCEY
No. I don’t have time for this.
LEON
You are correct. I have taken the liberty of updating your schedule accordingly.
PEARCEY
You what?
LEON
Today, 8 to 8:30am.
Finish getting dressed. Smart and formal attire. Consider wearing that new jacket, but settle instead on the robes of office.
9 to 9:45am.
Answer summons from Queen Parabel about state of the kingdom (anticipated).
PEARCEY
The Queen?
LORIA
What?
PEARCEY
“No morning appointments” indeed.
LORIA
You don’t have an appointment with the Queen. I swear!
LEON
11 to 11:15am.
Stop for food in the kitchens on the way to the Wizard’s Council. Council won’t start on time because wizards.
2 to 4pm.
Summon Alba Salix. Skip small talk. Address her team’s failure to meet each and every touchstone. Be firm but understanding. Guide her to an action plan that doesn’t involve murdering members of her staff.
6:30 to 9pm.
Dinner with Loria. Fettucine Portayo and braised Brassica sprouts. Dancing to follow.
LORIA
Hmm!
LEON
9 to 10pm.
Sex with Loria (anticipated). Suggest a “spontaneous” role-play scenario: naughty riding instructor…
LORIA
(bursts out laughing)
PEARCEY
All right! That’s quite enough.
LORIA
Oh, I like this rock.
PEARCEY
Very well. Mister…?
LEON
Leon. Just Leon.
PEARCEY
Mister Leon, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m going to try you out.
(lifts the rock)
Oof. I don’t suppose they make any spectral assistant pebbles?
> MUSIC STING
EXT. ROAD FROM THE PALACE, DAY
Sounds of the town fade into the distance as Alba and Holly walk.
ALBA
We’ll have to replace that sceptre too. Hopefully it’s still under warranty.
HOLLY
Alba… do you think the Queen will be okay?
ALBA
She’ll be fine. It’s the baby I feel sorry for. If anything could mess a kid up more than being raised by Parabel…
HOLLY
Humans get awfully wound up about who’s a girl and who’s a boy.
ALBA
It’s true. She flew completely off the handle when little Coralyn decided she wanted to wear trousers.
HOLLY
Is she right about the Balgomarians, though? If it is a boy, is the baby going to be in danger?
ALBA
Who knows? I doubt it. Her Majesty is always being overdramatic. The Theatre Guild should give her a lifetime achievement award.
HOLLY
(suddenly gasps)
Oh no! Something’s on fire!
ALBA
Exactly. Or “Oh no! Which of my hundred dresses shall I wear?”
HOLLY
No, the House of Healing! I think it’s on fire!
Holly flies off as Alba breaks into a run.
ALBA
What?! Oh gods. What’s that idiot boy done now?
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
A raging fire. The sound of rushing water and bandits yelling and pounding on the far side of an interior door.
BANDITS
Boss! What do we do? Help!
MAGNUS
It’s working. Ha ha, listen to them!
JEROME
I don’t know, Magnus…
MAGNUS
No, no! Jerome, do not get up! We have to keep the door shut!
The pounding grows weaker and stops as the water on the far side of the door rises.
JEROME
We’re not… killing them, are we?
MAGNUS
It’s just a little water. They’re bandits! Brigands! They can swim!
BANDIT 1
(from inside)
Help! I can’t swim!
MAGNUS
Or I guess that’s pirates. Pirates can probably swim.
Alba throws open the front door.
ALBA
(gasps)
What is going on in here!?
JEROME AND MAGNUS
Alba!
ALBA
What’s burning?
HOLLY
The appointment book! Why it is on fire?!
ALBA
Does it matter why? Put it out!
MAGNUS
It’s okay, boss! Everything is under control!
Holly puts out the fire.
HOLLY
Agh! There we go.
ALBA
Get out of my way, Jerome.
MAGNUS
No no, he’s holding the door closed!
ALBA
Why? What’s going on in the back?
HOLLY
And why is the door bulging like that?
A dangerous creaking. A hinge flies off with a bang.
JEROME
The hinges are giving out! Save yourselves!
He leaps up and runs for safety outside. The door to the operating room bursts open, sending cubic tons of water flooding outwards.
EXT. GARDEN—CONTINUOUS
Alba, Magnus, Holly and Jerome all scream as they are carried out into the garden. All of them cough and sputter.
MAGNUS
Did we get ’em?
Ahoy! Bandits! Show yourselves!
He runs back in the front door, footsteps sloshing.
HOLLY
Oh, my wings! Alba? Alba, where are you?
JEROME
She’s up in the tree. Alba! Are you okay?
HOLLY
Just hang on! I’ll come and get you!
ALBA
(shouts down)
I’ll be right down. After I finish counting to a hundred.
Magnus emerges from the building again.
MAGNUS
Where the heck did they go? Jerome, did you see any of them?
JEROME
Uh… no, there’s nobody here.
HOLLY
See who? Magnus, were there patients inside?!
MAGNUS
No, they weren’t patients. They were brigands!
JEROME
I guess they got out?
MAGNUS
But how? The window in the lab is tiny!
ALBA
Oh, Magnus… can I have a word with you?
MAGNUS
Oh man. Alba. You wouldn’t believe what happened, but lucky for you, Magnus was here to save the day—
ALBA
Potes volare!
Sound of magic lifting Magnus into the air.
MAGNUS
Whoa! Hey! Put me down!
Listen, it was Guy van Fleet!
ALBA
Guy van Fleet, the highwayman.
MAGNUS
No, Guy van Fleet the undertaker! Yes, of course it was—
ALBA
Guy van Fleet came here.
MAGNUS
Yes! He attacked the House of Healing! It’s true!
ALBA
Magnus, I am done with your lies, your disobedience, your attitude, your disregard for safety and constantly having to—
HOLLY
Alba… there is a sword here. No… two swords.
MAGNUS
See, I told you! Guy was here with fifty men! Jerome, back me up here.
JEROME
Well, I don’t think it was fifty…
MAGNUS
Exactly, it was more like a hundred! It was a siege.
ALBA
Enough.
A whistle of magic as Magnus is carried away, his yelling diminishing into the distance.
MAGNUS
Listen, I’m the victim here! Albaaa!
HOLLY
Alba, what if Magnus is telling the truth?
ALBA
Well, then, he can have a nice, refreshing dip in the leech pond.
In the distance, Magnus yelps as he tumbles into the water.
> MUSIC STING
INT. LABORATORY
Water drips in the background.
ALBA
Look at this mess. We were gone for less than an hour!
JEROME
Oh boy. I’m sorry, Alba. Can I help sweep up?
ALBA
I expect something like this from Magnus. But you, Jerome?
JEROME
I just stopped by to get a refill of that potion you gave me for my insomnia—
ALBA
Save it. I’m done. Finis. Factum. No more nice witch. Clear the lab bench, Holly.
HOLLY
Okay. Do you want me to put all these bottles in the back room, or—
ALBA
Never mind.
She sweeps all the items off the table.
HOLLY
Alba! Are you okay?
Alba begins gathering ingredients.
ALBA
Oh yes. I’m beyond okay, Holly. I’m done being trifled with, dismissed and ignored. Lock your doors and hide your children! The witch is back.
HOLLY
Alba?
ALBA
Holly, go fetch Magnus out of the pond. We’re off to visit Minister Pearcey.
> MUSIC STING
INT. MINISTRY OFFICE
A clock ticks.
PEARCEY
Shall we begin?
ALBA
Yes, let’s. I brought a little something along to aid our investigation.
She places a bottle on the table.
PEARCEY
And this is?
ALBA
A truth potion.
MAGNUS
Why do you not trust me?
I mean, sure, maybe I… stretched the truth on previous occasions. But this is serious! This all really happened!
ALBA
Well then, you won’t mind giving your evidence under the influence of a truth serum.
MAGNUS
If that’s what it is.
ALBA
Minister?
PEARCEY
I’ll permit it.
ALBA
Go ahead, Magnus.
MAGNUS
Yeah? How do I know it’s not, like, fireweed extract?
PEARCEY
Magnus, please do as you’re asked.
MAGNUS
This stuff could be hemlock, for all you know.
JEROME
Alba wouldn’t do that!
MAGNUS
Pfft. Well, you drink it, then!
JEROME
Okay!
ALBA
Jerome, no, don’t—!
Too late. He uncorks the bottle and downs it.
JEROME
Mmm! That’s nice.
ALBA
Jerome, I swear to all the gods…
JEROME
It tastes like that Frinozipax stuff you were prescribing last year.
PEARCEY
What’s Frinozipax?
JEROME
Why, it’s an all-natural herbal potion made from—
ALBA
(sharply)
Let’s begin our questioning.
JEROME
(feeling the effects and totally enamoured with Alba)
Yes! I’m ready to be interrogated, Alba.
PEARCEY
It’s not an interrogation. It’s an interview.
MAGNUS
Pfff. Yeah, you leave the room and see how fast this turns into an interrogation.
PEARCEY
Come to think of it, I could use a coffee. Alba?
ALBA
Yes please. Interviewing does work up quite a thirst.
Pearcey heads for the door.
PEARCEY
Two sugars?
MAGNUS
No! You can’t leave me alone with her. Look, we’re talking! We have nothing to hide!
She sits back down.
PEARCEY
Good. Then why don’t we begin at the beginning. You say several bandits broke into the House of Healing?
MAGNUS
Yes, I say that, because they did.
ALBA
Why did they have to break in? We were supposed to be open for business.
MAGNUS
Well… okay, maybe they didn’t break in. But they took me by surprise!
ALBA
Were you perhaps asleep at reception?
MAGNUS
I object! That’s not germane to this investigation!
ALBA
(clears her throat)
MAGNUS
Okay! Okay! Yes, I was at the desk. And I may have closed my eyes, just for a second. The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by all these bandits…
CROSSFADE TO:
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
Footsteps. Several swords are drawn.
GUY
Don’t make me tell you again.
BANDIT 3
Yeah, don’t make the boss tell you again. Drop the letter opener.
Magnus drops it.
MAGNUS
Heh. Okay. Look, let’s just talk this over like good, decent fellow outlaws. You know I’m totally your guy, Guy!
GUY
Bind him and secure the rest of the building.
Guy heads down the back hallway as the bandits tie Magnus up..
BANDIT 4
Hold still, kid.
MAGNUS
Owwww! Really?
BANDIT 4
Settle down or it’s gonna hurt a lot more.
MAGNUS
(shouts after Guy)
A surgeon is always a good thing to have around, right Guy?
What if you get hurt in a daring duel with the King’s guard? Or you have to make a spectacular leap from a tower and break a leg?
GUY
Indeed. Now, tell me… things seem to have been rearranged since I was last here. Where do you keep the most dangerous poisons?
MAGNUS
Poisons? Well, I don’t know if you noticed the sign, but this is a House of Healing, and we don’t—grrk!
He gasps as Guy draws his sword and presses the blade to his throat.
GUY
Such lovely and smooth skin you surgeons have. It cries out to be split open. I am not going to ask you again.
MAGNUS
Okay! Okay! Look, everything’s in the new secure storage. The big metal door off the back hallway.
GUY
That wasn’t so hard, was it?
MAGNUS
Yeah, but I don’t know the password. And without that, it’s pretty much impenetrable.
GUY
Ha!
MAGNUS
Hey, I should know. I’ve tried everything.
GUY
They have yet to make a safe that can keep out Guy van Fleet, the purple thief of Kings, the hinderer of royalty, the people’s most feared champion.
MAGNUS
You can crack safes too?
GUY
Watch and learn, young Magnus.
MAGNUS
So awesome.
INT. MINISTRY OFFICE
PEARCEY
Awesome?
MAGNUS
Yeah. I was buttering him up. Distracting him. He was so busy going on about how great he was that he forgot all about the letter opener. All part of my ingenious plan…
ALBA
Enough. Jerome?
JEROME
(enraptured)
Yes, Alba?
ALBA
How did you get wrapped up in all this?
MAGNUS
You mean, how did he help me save the day!
ALBA
Speak again, Magnus. Go ahead. Just one more word.
Jerome?
JEROME
Your eyes are so beautiful when you’re angry.
ALBA
(groans)
Yes, thank you, Jerome. Why were you at at the House of Healing?
JEROME
To refill my prescription.
ALBA
The one I gave you yesterday?
JEROME
Well… Yeah. I kinda drank it all in one go so I’d have an excuse to see you again. Because, you know, you’re just so smart and amazing and perfect and… did I say amazing?
ALBA
We definitely gave the potion to the wrong idiot.
PEARCEY
Jerome. Jerome.
(taps sharply on the desk)
Over here. Yes. Can you tell us what you saw when you came into the House of Healing?
JEROME
Oh yeah. Magnus was there. But Alba wasn’t! I didn’t see her anywhere. She’s great, isn’t she?
PEARCEY
Focus, Jerome. What did you see?
JEROME
Well, let’s see. I walked in and there he was, tied to his chair…
CROSSFADE TO:
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING
The front door opens.
JEROME
Hello! Alba?
MAGNUS
Shhh!
JEROME
Huh? Who’s there?
MAGNUS
Jerome, be quiet! Get over here and help me.
JEROME
Magnus? Why are you tied up?
MAGNUS
Because I wanted to try out a new magic trick.
JEROME
Oh. Are you practicing escapes now? How’s it work?
MAGNUS
It doesn’t. Never mind! We’re being robbed!
JEROME
Oh no! We are?
MAGNUS
Come on, get me out of these ropes. There’s a letter opener on the desk.
JEROME
Okay. Who’s robbing us?
Jerome sets to work sawing at the ropes.
MAGNUS
Guy van Fleet! And his bandits!
JEROME
(gasps)
They don’t have Alba, do they? We have to save her!
He stands up.
MAGNUS
No, no, stop! She’s not here. There’s like five brigands in there. Now hurry up and cut me loose!
JEROME
Gotcha.
He saws at the ropes, which give way.
MAGNUS
That’s better. All right, let’s go!
JEROME
Okay!
Jerome makes for the door.
MAGNUS
No, no—Jerome, where are you going?
JEROME
To the gatehouse to alert the palace guards?
MAGNUS
No, if we go and get the guards, Guy and his guys are gonna get away!
Come on, no one is going to rob the House of Healing on my watch! That’s MY job!
JEROME
So what do we do?
MAGNUS
I’ve been thinking this through. First priority, we need to jam the back door shut—and that job falls to you, my faithful sidekick.
JEROME
Who, me?
MAGNUS
Now, they’re probably gonna have someone watching the back door, so… toss me that umbrella by the coatrack.
JEROME
Okay…?
Jerome tosses the umbrella.
MAGNUS
In the meantime, I will provide a distraction. Go!
He throws open the door to the back hallway and brandishes the umbrella.
MAGNUS
Ha ha!
BANDIT 1
Whoa! The kid got loose.
The bandits draw their weapons.
GUY
Oho! Perhaps I underestimated you, little man.
MAGNUS
Oho! Perhaps you did!
A bandit runs in from the back.
BANDIT 2
What’s happening?
GUY
Nothing to worry about. You should be watching the back door!
BANDIT 2
Right. Sorry, boss.
MAGNUS
Hah!
Take this! and that!
GUY
With an umbrella?
MAGNUS
Spinning death blow!
The umbrella opens with a pop.
BANDIT 3
Get him!
The bandits draw their swords.
GUY
Impressive. No, my friends, stand back.
BANDIT 1
You don’t want us to thump him, boss?
GUY
No. I have him. I am going to enjoy this. Toss me your sword.
MAGNUS
Oh. You need two swords, do you?
GUY
It is not for me. I prefer not to strike down unarmed children. Catch!
He tosses the sword to Magnus.
MAGNUS
Your last mistake! Vortex Blade!
A whirlwind of blades. Guy defends with little effort.
GUY
I see you have not improved at all since our last encounter.
MAGNUS
Tiger Claw! HA!
GUY
There is no need for you to call your strikes, boy. Especially when your strikes are as pitiful as that!
BANDIT 2
Yeah!
MAGNUS
Hey! That was an awesome Tiger Claw!
GUY
Aha!
His blade zings out.
MAGNUS
(gasps)
Ah! A lucky strike! But you only just nicked me.
GUY
Death by a thousand cuts. A horrible way to go.
MAGNUS
Not today!
BANDIT 2
Boss, I think someone jammed the back door.
GUY
What? You imbecile!
Jerome looks in from reception.
JEROME
Magnus! I jammed the back door. Now what?
MAGNUS
Fall back to the waiting room!
GUY
Oh no you don’t!
MAGNUS
Hell yeah we do!
Magnus slams the door. The bandits beat on it from the other side.
MAGNUS
Enjoy your stay!
(winces in pain)
JEROME
That looks bad, Magnus!
MAGNUS
It feels worse! Oh gods.
BANDIT 1
Hey! Open this door!
They pound at the door.
MAGNUS
Quick! Grab that chair and push it under the door handle.
JEROME
That door’s not gonna hold them, Magnus! We gotta get out of here!
MAGNUS
No, no, sit, Jerome. Sit in the chair. Good boy.
Now, where does Alba keep the matches?
JEROME
Uh… are you sure about this?
Magnus rummages, tossing things out from drawers, as the pounding on the door grows.
MAGNUS
Aha! Now to start a fun little fire…
He strikes a match.
JEROME
Hey! Isn’t that the appointment book? Alba’s not gonna be happy.
A growing crackle of flame.
MAGNUS
Man, my arm hurts! Dammit, all the bandages are in the other room, too.
JEROME
So… now do we run?
MAGNUS
Nope. This is the good bit—see there’s a new fire suppression system in here.
JEROME
A what?
MAGNUS
There’s half a dozen water sprites living in the attic. If they smell smoke from down here…
The sprites burst out singing a shrill alarm as waterfall sounds emerge from the back room.
MAGNUS
They do that.
Supposed to keep the patients and all of our flammable supplies safe or something.
A raging fire now. The sound of several bandits yelling and pounding on the other side of an interior door.
BANDITS
Boss! What do we do? Help!
MAGNUS
It’s working. Ha ha, listen to them!
JEROME
I dunno, Magnus…
MAGNUS
No, no! Jerome, do not get up! We have to keep the door shut!
The pounding grows weaker and stops as the water on the far side of the door rises.
JEROME
We’re not… killing them, are we?
MAGNUS
It’s just a little water. They’re bandits! Brigands! They can swim!
BANDIT 1
(from inside)
Help! I can’t swim!
MAGNUS
Or I guess that’s pirates. Pirates can probably swim.
INT. MINISTRY OFFICE
PEARCEY
So tell us, if there was a band of highwaymen trapped in the back room… where did they go?
JEROME
I dunno! They were there, and then they were gone.
ALBA
Magnus?
MAGNUS
Well… I mean, yeah! Exactly!
We locked the doors. All the windows were still shut. And the water was all the way to the ceiling!
PEARCEY
Hmm. Perhaps we should take another look at the scene of the incident.
ALBA
I suppose we should.
PEARCEY
Jerome, you are free to go.
JEROME
Thanks!
MAGNUS
And me? Am I free to go?
Alba, Pearcey and Jerome file out of the room.
JEROME
Can I come along with you, Alba?
ALBA
No. Go home.
JEROME
Awww.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING—CABINET
A tiny, enclosed metal space.
BANDIT 3
Ow! Move your elbow!
BANDIT 2
Move your face!
The bandits struggle and grumble at one another.
GUY
All of you shush!
They all fall silent.
GUY
Okay. I think the coast is clear. On the count of three, everyone push. One. Two. Three.
Groans and shouts as they force the filing cabinet drawer open.
GUY
Okay. One a time. Stop pushing!
The bandits struggle to pull themselves from the filing cabinet.
BANDIT 1
That was a brilliant plan, boss! Hiding with all the files!
BANDIT 2
Yeah! Heh heh. I think I got a paper cut.
GUY
I am not so happy right now.
BANDITS
Sorry, boss.
GUY
This is not over. The little surgeon will pay dearly for this.
> CLOSING THEME
ELI
In “Burning Questions”, Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode Three,
you heard Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix, Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey,
with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice, Robert Frances as Jerome, Abbas Hussain as Guy van Fleet, Marisa King as Queen Parabel, George Bertwell as King Gunther, Michael Howie as Travin,
and special guest Braden Lamb as Leon.
Leon Stamatis is one of the wonderful characters on Greater Boston, created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason. Check it out at greaterbostonshow.com.
Written by Sean Howard. Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen.
Associate producers: Keiko Kanda, Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse and Paul Tedesco. Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger. Executive Producer: Dave Addison.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Donors get weekly bonus content and lots more. Look for the Patreon link at albasalix.com.
TAG: MINISTRY OFFICE
MAGNUS
So… Is someone going to look at my arm? Alba? Didn’t you take an oath or something?!
OUTRO: OUR SPONSOR
ELI
This episode has been brought to you by Anansi Storytime, a podcast of tales from all over the world. Check them out at spiderstorytime.com.