The House of Healing crew visit the Harvest Moon Faire to unwind, but strange and monstrous things are afoot.
Starring:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
Olivia Jon as Holly
Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey
with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice
Robert Frances as Jerome
Abbas Hussain as Withrow Lee
George Bertwell as King Gunther
Marisa King as Queen Parabel
and special guests!
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard
Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen
Associate Producers: Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco and Keiko Kanda
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger
Executive Producer: Dave Addison
Content warning: Danger, animal attacks, violent mobs and day drinking.
INTRODUCTION
ELI
Howdy, shwmae, konnichiwa! It’s Eli here with Episode 4 of Alba Salix, Season Two.
I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that Sean and I will be in Seattle for PodCon 2 in January. It’s a weekend of live shows, panels and performances for people who love and/or make podcasts. We went to the first one last year, and let me tell you, it was an amazing time getting to meet the people who write and produce and act in our favourite shows. There’s a big audio drama and RPG presence there, and this time around we’re going to have a booth. Come and say hello, get some cool swag, meet fellow fans—it’s going to be an excellent time.
PodCon happens this January 19 and 20 in Seattle, Washington. We hope you can join us. For all the details check out podcon.com.
And now it is time for Alba Salix, Royal Physician Volume Two, Episode Four. Enjoy.
MUSIC STING
INT. PALACE CHAMBERS—NIGHT
Gunther shuffles past.
GUNTHER
Oh! Parabel, you’re still up.
PARABEL
Mm hmm.
GUNTHER
What are you reading, dear?
PARABEL
Oh… just a few books on pre-natal care.
GUNTHER
Superfoods For Your Unborn Baby. My… Raising the Magical Child.
(chuckles)
Are we having “the magical child”?
PARABEL
Oh, they’re all magical, aren’t they?
I just want to give the baby a good head start in life.
GUNTHER
I don’t think we can afford to bring in musicians to play for you around the clock again.
PARABEL
Oh no, nothing like that this time.
(mutters)
Not after little Willemina decided to smash her violin. On her violin teacher.
GUNTHER
101 Spells For Mothers-To-Be. Isn’t it a bit risky to do magic while you’re expecting?
PARABEL
Oh, no, these are all minor charms. Completely harmless.
GUNTHER
Ah, I see.
PARABEL
(mutters)
And completely useless.
GUNTHER
Well, good night, dearest. Don’t stay up too late.
PARABEL
I won’t! Night, darling.
They make kissy-kissy sounds at one another.
As Gunther shuffles to the bedroom, Parabel tosses her book aside.
PARABEL
(sighs)
Useless.
To the Library it is.
OPENING THEME
HERALD
By Appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician—Volume Two! Episode the Fourth: Harvest Moon.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING OFFICE—DAY
PEARCEY
For the last time, Magnus, you may not play with knives at the reception desk.
MAGNUS
I wasn’t playing with it! I was showing it to our patients. They were totally interested!
ALBA
They were being polite to the person with the knife.
PEARCEY
I think the safety risk is quite evident.
MAGNUS
What about my safety? We got held up by bandits last week!
PEARCEY
What if you turn your back and a child takes it?
MAGNUS
(scoffs)
I know three easy ways to disarm an opponent with a knife.
(beat)
Two of them are non-lethal?
ALBA
No knives, Magnus.
Holly skips in, and begins handing out flowers.
HOLLY
Happy Harvest Moon, everyone!
PEARCEY
What are these?
HOLLY
Flower garlands! To wear to the Harvest Moon Faire tonight! You’re all going, right?
Silence.
HOLLY (CONT’D)
Aw, come on! There’s going to be drinking and dancing and music and pretty lanterns.
MAGNUS
So… can I have my knife back?
ALBA AND PEARCEY
No.
HOLLY
And costumes and cotton candy, and jugglers and plays…
PEARCEY
I’ll have to check my calendar.
ALBA
I’ve got another round of resumes to look through for the new hospital we’re setting up in Paradox.
HOLLY
Aww. You should give yourselves at least one night off! Balancing life and work is important. Right, Ms Pearcey?
PEARCEY
A night off is fine, of course. Whether or not you spend it at the Faire is up to you.
HOLLY
Alba’s going to go. Right, Alba?
ALBA
I thought you’d have some special fairy ritual to enact for the full moon.
HOLLY
That’s not happening this year. I’ve been kind of uninvited. But that means I can spend more time with all of you! What do you say?
ALBA
Oh… fine.
MAGNUS
Yeah, I guess.
HOLLY
Ms Pearcey? C’mon, it’s a perfect chance for us to bond as a team!
PEARCEY
Yes… bonding as a… team.
HOLLY
Yay! This is going to be the best Harvest Moon ever!
MUSIC STING
INT. PALACE LIBRARY
The sound of a heavy page turning.
JULIA
Ooo, jackpot.
AMANDA
So, Julia. When you have a moment…
JULIA
(still writing)
Uh huh?
AMANDA
Perhaps all these lovely, priceless tomes could find a better place to live than the checkout desk?
JULIA
In a minute. Hey Amanda. I found a chapter in Sarvik’s Historias about Balgomarian Yeti. Check this out.
Julia turns a page.
AMANDA
They’re green?
JULIA
And only three feet high.
AMANDA
Aww!
JULIA
It sounds like they’re a matriarchal society.
AMANDA
Small green ladies in charge. I’m a fan.
JULIA
The best part: The Yetani, as they call themselves, are famous for their gin, made from a rare juniper bush which only grows in the ice caves of the Frozen Sea.
AMANDA
I already want some.
JULIA
And they mix it with ice wine, birch syrup and vodka to make something called a Green Flame.
AMANDA
Wait, Green Flame—does that mean you light it on fire?
JULIA
You totally light it on fire.
AMANDA
Yes! Do you think the palace kitchens have Yetani gin?
JULIA
Not any more!
I may have already stopped by the kitchens on my way into work.
Julia pulls out a big bottle and sets it on the desk, followed by a pair of cocktail glasses.
AMANDA
Yes! I want mine with extra flame!
Julia sets to work as Parabel enters.
PARABEL
You there. Librarians.
AMANDA
Oh! Your Majesty. Hi!
JULIA
Royal Librarians at your service.
She shakes a cocktail shaker.
PARABEL
Are you drinking? On the job?!
AMANDA
Uh. Nope! Not yet.
JULIA
We are compiling the first comprehensive ethnographic study of the drinking cultures of Farloria and the neighbouring—
PARABEL
I don’t know why I asked.
I sent a page down yesterday to retrieve a book.
Amanda starts digging through papers.
AMANDA
Yes, sorry, your Majesty. So you were after… The Six Books De Rerum Spiritus of Sundvik, Tome 2?
PARABEL
That is the one.
JULIA
I think that one’s in our Rare Documents collection.
She begins hunting through drawers of index cards.
AMANDA
So. Can I get your Majesty a drink? Of water, I mean? Or coffee?
PARABEL
I am fine.
AMANDA
Cool. Cool cool.
JULIA
Okay, I show three copies. One’s at our sister branch in Fair-Upon-Middling. The second one… Does your Majesty read Vayaxan?
PARABEL
Excuse me?
JULIA
It’s the original edition, written in demonic script.
PARABEL
Hmph. And the third copy?
JULIA
Yeah, the third one’s a more recent translation. But it’s out on loan since… oh, wow.
AMANDA
Who loaned out a book from Rare Documents?
JULIA
It says it was checked out by Mr. Krankel.
PARABEL
Doctor Krankel.
JULIA
That’s the one.
PARABEL
He’s been banished from the kingdom.
AMANDA
Someone’s going to be owing a lot of late fees!
PARABEL
(clears her throat)
I require a copy of this book.
JULIA
Uh… Demonic script?
PARABEL
That I can read.
Jula returns to the counter.
JULIA
I’ll put in a request, but it’s going to be about a week and a half.
AMANDA
What about secondary sources, Julia?
PARABEL
Secondary sources?
Amanda and Julia begin leafing through other big books.
JULIA
Yeah, there may be some useful references to it in other books. Try Benneghi’s Compendium?
AMANDA
Yup, on it.
JULIA
I didn’t realize you were so interested in ancient magic, Your Majesty!
PARABEL
Just… curious.
AMANDA
Okay, I think I found a reference. It’s by Fractazius?
JULIA
Oh, right! Good old Fractazius the Dark.
Julia vanishes into the stacks to search.
AMANDA
See, Fractazius apparently wrote a play based on The Books De Rerum Spiritus.
PARABEL
A play? What use is that?
JULIA
The Ambassador of Doom. It’s said to actually contain key passages from the Books.
PARABEL
I see…
AMANDA
Ooo, it looks like it was even banned once, back in King Lothar’s time.
Julia returns, flipping through a small book.
JULIA
I’m guessing that was after the disaster at the Grandville Opry.
AMANDA
Oh, when it burned down?
JULIA
Well, supposedly the fire was just a cover-up for what really happened.
AMANDA
Uh-oh!
JULIA
On opening night, the lead actress suddenly transformed into a demonic beast of unparalleled power that killed dozens before being subdued by the town guard!
AMANDA
Whoa.
PARABEL
Unparalleled power, you say?
JULIA
She leapt into the front row and devoured the patrons’ faces.
AMANDA
Nooo!
PARABEL
I will have this play.
AMANDA
See, this is why no one likes audience participation.
JULIA
I know, right? Hmm. There’s no publishing date, but I think this might be the first printing?
PARABEL
Yes. I will have it now, please.
JULIA
Oh. Sure. Was there anything else, your Majesty…?
Parabel is already striding out in a huff.
PARABEL
Unbelievable.
AMANDA
Cranky.
JULIA
I wonder why she wanted that book, anyway?
AMANDA
Eh, royalty. Who knows why they do anything?
JULIA
So, drinks?
AMANDA
Hell yes!
Julia pours out the drinks and strikes a match. There’s a little whoomph of flame.
JULIA
Ohh, even the flames are green.
AMANDA
Nice!
They clink glasses.
AMANDA AND JULIA
Cheers!
MUSIC STING
INT. PEARCEY’S BEDROOM
LORIA
Someone’s all gwumpy pants.
PEARCEY
I am not grumpy.
LORIA
No, you’re gwumpy pants. That’s worse.
PEARCEY
We could just stay in… Have a nice dinner and a relaxing bath?
LORIA
We can do that any old night. It’s our anniversary!
PEARCEY
Which anniversary?
LORIA
Of the night we first met!
PEARCEY
We met at an office party the night of the Harvest Moon Faire.
LORIA
Exactly!
PEARCEY
The Harvest Moon is on a different date every year.
LORIA
It’s not the date. It’s the occasion, silly. Let’s go dance and watch fireworks and eat fried pumpkin on a stick. C’mon, gwumpy pants.
PEARCEY
I am not gwumpy pants.
LORIA
Can you say that again with a little bit more of a pout?
PEARCEY
I just… What if one of those miserable wizards from the OSG sees us together?
LORIA
Tally. Who cares what they think?
PEARCEY
We’re fighting to get them to abide by proper workplace guidelines… and here I am, seeing you.
LORIA
And?
PEARCEY
I’m your superior.
LORIA
(snickers)
Debatable.
PEARCEY
Rude. You know what I mean. I don’t want to set a bad example.
LORIA
You do realize this is the one night of the year you don’t have to worry about being recognized.
PEARCEY
What do you mean?
Loria opens her purse.
LORIA
There’s this little thing called a masquerade.
PEARCEY
That’s true. But where are we going to get…
She comes to a halt as Loria holds up a pair of masks.
LORIA
(proudly)
Ah?
PEARCEY
…masks. Why do you have all these masquerade masks?
LORIA
“Thank you, Loria! They’re so beautiful! You’re a genius.”
PEARCEY
They are… quite pretty.
LORIA
Yeah, they are. Here, I picked this one for you.
Pearcey tries it on.
PEARCEY
I’ve never worn one of these before.
LORIA
Oh, that looks super adorable! Yes, a thousand times yes.
PEARCEY
All right. What about you?
LORIA
Well… I like this lacey blue one but there’s also this silvery one with the little ears… What do you think?
PEARCEY
(entranced)
That one.
LORIA
The blue?
PEARCEY
I think you should definitely wear that one.
LORIA
Done.
(beat)
What?
PEARCEY
(coy)
Do we really have to go out tonight?
LORIA
Come on, you, let’s get dressed.
MUSIC STING
EXT. FAIRGROUND STALL, EARLY EVENING
A bustling crowd in high spirits. Drummers perform nearby.
WITHROW
Duviar nectar! Fresh-squeezed duviar nectar!
FAIRE-GOER
(quite drunk)
Say, I’ll have one of those!
Withrow pours a cupful of juice from a keg.
WITHROW
You betcha. That’ll be sixpence.
FAIRE-GOER
Okay. Whoa, that’s a lot.
WITHROW
Fresh duviar fruit’s hard to come by in these parts, but it’s the most healthful drink you’ll drink all night, my friend.
FAIRE-GOER
(chuckles)
Well, you’re not wrong about that.
Coins jingle.
WITHROW
Have a great Faire!
(to the next customer)
Good evening, friend. Can I get you a nice cup of duviar nectar?
MAGNUS
(disguising his voice)
What’s in it?
Withrow starts pouring another cup.
WITHROW
Only one hundred percent fresh-squeezed duviar fruit, direct from the Pointy Lands. An excellent source of duviatic acid, which has been shown to aid in pancreatic function. And a happy pancreas makes for a happy stomach. That’ll be sixpence, my friend.
Magnus pulls back his hood.
MAGNUS
(back to his normal voice)
Oh no. You’re busted, sucker!
WITHROW
Busted—what? Why?
MAGNUS
House of Healing Hygiene Enforcement Squad! Withrow Lee, you are charged with selling drinks without a license.
WITHROW
Uh, it’s right here. Say, aren’t you that kid that works for Alba? Mathias…
MAGNUS
Magnus. And I’m eighteen, by the way, and certified by the Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health, by the way.
WITHROW
Certified to do what?
MAGNUS
Certified to take you downtown, buddy.
All right, fine, your so-called license looks legit. But what about this health drink of yours?
WITHROW
Duviatic acid’s a real thing. Ask Alba! There’s even evidence it may boost the immune system, but I don’t tell my customers that because there’s only been the one study so far.
MAGNUS
Well, aren’t you a paragon of scientific rigour.
WITHROW
Darn tootin’. If I lie, Alba will wire my mouth shut.
MAGNUS
Hmph. Do you reuse these cups?
WITHROW
Sterilized after every use with a Purissimus spell.
MAGNUS
Dangit.
Fine. But how do we know this fruit isn’t contaminated with deadly… fig fungus?
WITHROW
(dubious)
Fig fungus?
MAGNUS
It’s spreading all over the Pointy Lands. One little spore can paralyze you from head to toe.
WITHROW
Look, can I get on with selling my wares now?
MAGNUS
Go ahead. But I’ll be watching you, buddy.
WITHROW
Knock yourself out.
(raises his voice again)
Duviar nectar! Sixpence a glass!
MUSIC STING
EXT. MARKET SQUARE STAGE
A boisterous crowd watches a player on a stage.
PLAYER
And these two souls once so in love
Do murder one another for the sake
Of money, greed and power, you shall see
Next Friday ‘pon this stage, at half past eight!
A smattering of applause. Holly flutters through the crowd.
HOLLY
Alba!
ALBA
Down here.
FAIRE-GOER
Hey, watch the wings!
HOLLY
Sorry!
(to Alba)
Did I miss the previews?
ALBA
Yes, he just finished. Why do they always have to give away the entire story?
PLAYER
And now, my friends, be much afeared! Our main event at last is here:
The Tragic History of Baron Bolgu… brought to you by the Guild of Knife Sharpeners.
Applause. Two more actors take the stage: the gruff Cook and the young Master Martin.
COOK
Ho there, good Master Martin!
MARTIN
Ho there, cook! Have you the evening repast prepared?
COOK
‘Tis under way, ’tis under way.
MARTIN
You must work fast! The repast is well past time.
COOK
I blame these blasted blades.
MARTIN
Ay, these are in a truly ‘trocious state, good cook. No good to chop a chop, these.
COOK
Such a dull tool could scarce split the wind from an old nun’s backside. Speaking of dull tools, how fares our lord the Count?
Laughter. The play continues under Alba and Holly’s dialogue.
ALBA
Looks like there’s going to be a murder.
HOLLY
Oh no! How can you tell?
ALBA
They’re doing an ad for the Knife-Sharpeners’ Guild. They always sponsor the true crime ones.
HOLLY
Oh, you’re right! I’d never noticed that.
ALBA
At least it’s better than the love stories, where they’re all ads for mattresses.
HOLLY
I don’t know if I want to see a murdery play.
MARTIN
The Count is in a rare mood.
COOK
How rare? Bloody?
MARTIN
A bloody rare mood indeed! He rants on his hunger and he rails on his thirst.
JEROME
Oh! Hey! Alba, is that you?
ALBA
Dammit.
HOLLY
Hello, Jerome!
JEROME
Holly! Nice to see you too. Mind if I sit here?
ALBA
(under her breath)
Well, so much for enjoying the show.
COOK
The Count did dine but an hour ago. Let him rant and rail and perhaps he shall shout himself hoarse.
MARTIN
Or myself deaf.
COOK
And bring you peace, either way.
MARTIN
I sooner would keep my ears. The Count must have food!
COOK
Then quick, hie you to the sharpener’s shop, and he’ll shortly shave and shape these shivs sharp as shark’s teeth.
MARTIN
I surely shall!
COOK
Mind you, good Master Martin, forget not your purse, lest you return transfixed with our best blade ‘twixt your ribs, for ’tis never sharp to short the sharpener.
Laughter and applause. In the background, another actor takes the stage: the Baron, giving his opening soliloquy.
JEROME
Did I miss anything?
HOLLY
Alba says there’s going to be a murder.
JEROME
Really? How can you tell?
ALBA
Oh, I just have this feeling.
JEROME
That reminds me. I’ve been having a feeling too, kind of an itching. I tried that salve you ladies gave me the other week, but it’s been getting worse all day.
ALBA
How about we watch the first act?
JEROME
Okay, I can wait!
HOLLY
(whispers)
Alba…!
ALBA
(whispers)
What?
HOLLY
It’s going to be dark soon. Don’t you think we should, you know, get Jerome to somewhere safer?
ALBA
We just got here.
HOLLY
The moon’s going to rise, and then… you know.
ALBA
I know.
HOLLY
Maybe we should tell him that he’s a—
ALBA
He does not need another excuse to pester me for more cures. Besides, he’s perfectly nice when he’s… affected.
HOLLY
You mean when he’s a werewolf.
ALBA
Not so loud! Just the first act, that’s all I ask. We can go at intermission.
HOLLY
But—
ALBA
Intermission. Now hush.
BARON
Ho, who’s there? My ears yet ring.
Methought I heard a voice from in the hearth.
DEMON
(hisses)
Hail and well met!
BARON
What! Who art thou, fiend?
JEROME
Oh, look! Isn’t that the guy who played Count Bozannio last spring?
HOLLY
I missed that show. Ooo, I love his outfit!
ALBA
Can you both be quiet for one single minute?
MUSIC STING
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS—DUSK
Loria and Pearcey approach a lively crowd of revelers dancing to a band of musicians.
LORIA
What about the Gryphon and Bucket?
PEARCEY
That wasn’t our first date. You tricked me.
LORIA
It still counts.
PEARCEY
You said it was a departmental planning session.
LORIA
It worked. I seem to remember it worked about five more times after that?
PEARCEY
(laughs)
Maybe.
But no. Our first official, mutually-agreed-upon date was May 12.
LORIA
Remind me?
PEARCEY
7pm. Closer to 7:15.
LORIA
I believe you. What happened?
PEARCEY
Dinner. Dancing. Ice cream.
LORIA
(mischievous)
Ohh, the ice cream, yes…
Wow. So that’s your idea of a first date?
PEARCEY
Well…!
LORIA
Damn, you’re pretty forward, aren’t you?
PEARCEY
Minx.
LORIA
Hussy.
They laugh. Holly flutters past overhead.
HOLLY
Oh, hi! Loria, is that you?
LORIA
Yes?
PEARCEY
(under her breath)
Oh, no.
HOLLY
Hi! It’s me! Holly? From the House of Healing?
LORIA
Of course! How are you?
HOLLY
I’m good! Gosh, what a pretty mask! I almost didn’t recognize you. Who’s your friend?
PEARCEY
(disguising her voice)
Uh… I’m Tally.
HOLLY
Hi Tally! You both look super cute.
PEARCEY
Thanks.
LORIA
So. You having a good Faire?
HOLLY
It’s so neat! All the candy and ribbons… Oh, but I almost forgot. Have you seen a dog running around?
LORIA
What kind of dog?
HOLLY
About this big, kind of unusual-looking? He’s got a short muzzle, strangely wide at the shoulders… His name’s Toby.
LORIA
I haven’t seen anything bigger than a beagle.
PEARCEY
Yeah, me neither.
LORIA
Sorry, Holly. We’ll keep an eye out!
HOLLY
Thanks! Nice seeing you!
She takes off again.
HOLLY (CONT’D)
Toby! C’mere buddy! Toby!
PEARCEY
That was a close one. Do you think she suspected?
LORIA
Oh, for heaven’s sake.
PEARCEY
I’m serious.
LORIA
Are you going to let that ruin your night? You are, aren’t you.
PEARCEY
I knew this was a bad idea.
LORIA
Look. If it’s going to be like this every time we go out together… I think you’d better let me go.
PEARCEY
Let you…?
LORIA
You’ve basically replaced me with that talking rock.
PEARCEY
Leon isn’t a replacement. A rock can’t do filing or run errands.
LORIA
Well, I’m glad I can provide such valuable assistance.
PEARCEY
That’s not what I mean.
LORIA
This secret office romance bit has been exciting and everything, but I think we’d better call it off.
PEARCEY
(devastated)
Loria…
A moment.
LORIA
(realizes)
The office part, you goof, not the romance.
PEARCEY
Oh, thank the gods.
LORIA
I bet I can get a transfer to the Planning Office. I’d be two floors up. Keep an eye on His Majesty’s latest crazy ideas.
Tally, I’m not leaving you.
PEARCEY
Just your job?
LORIA
Just my job. Why do you think I took it in the first place?
PEARCEY
What, to be near me?
(laughs)
LORIA
What can I say? I’m very goal-driven in my career.
Come here.
They kiss.
PEARCEY
So if we’re not working together, what are we going to do for excitement?
LORIA
Mmm. We’ll have to think of something.
PEARCEY
Well… come dance with me. Let’s see if it sparks any ideas.
EXT. FAIRGROUND STALL
It’s quieter here, though the crowd is still lively. Crickets can be heard further off.
Withrow counts out some coins for a customer.
WITHROW
And that’s seven, eight, nine is one shilling, plus five more is your change.
CUSTOMER
Thank you!
WITHROW
You have yourself a great evening, my friend.
MAGNUS
You keep giving them the right change.
WITHROW
I keep telling you, there is no scam.
MAGNUS
Yeah, right.
WITHROW
Duviar nectar! Fresh from the Pointy Lands!
MAGNUS
The way Alba tells it, you’re always up to something.
WITHROW
Get your fresh squeezed duviar nectar!
In the distance, there’s an unearthly howl, and screams of panic.
MAGNUS
So, like… What was your favourite?
WITHROW
Favourite what?
MAGNUS
Your favourite hustle. Your favourite scheme.
WITHROW
(whispers)
Will you stop it? I’m not hustling anyone!
MAGNUS
You can tell me. I used to be an outlaw myself. C’mon. Even just a straight-up con with no magic.
WITHROW
Hey there, Miss! Would you care for a refreshing cup of…
(no luck—he sighs)
Kid, you’re scaring away my customers.
MAGNUS
Tell me about one con and I’ll leave you alone.
WITHROW
I don’t want to talk about this.
MAGNUS
(loudly)
What’s that? Duviar fruit can carry deadly fig fungus?
Gasps from the crowd.
WITHROW
(whispers)
Kid, for Kroth’s sake.
MAGNUS
I hear one bite of a contaminated fruit will stop your heart!
Howling and barking and screams of panic, growing louder and closer.
WITHROW
All right. All right.
Okay. When Alba and I were at Hazelbrooke, we used to go to this cafe near the campus called the Crotchety Crow. And every day—
Alba rushes up.
ALBA
(winded)
Magnus! There you are.
MAGNUS
No I’m not!
ALBA
What?
MAGNUS
I was just helping Withrow! Is that so wrong?
WITHROW
Hi Alba.
ALBA
Withrow.
WITHROW
It’s so good to see you.
ALBA
Yup. Magnus, I need your help. Toby’s on the loose.
MAGNUS
Whoa, really? As in Jerome Toby?
ALBA
Yes. We have to find him. Holly’s trying to spot him from the air.
WITHROW
Who’s Toby?
ALBA
He’s a… stray dog.
WITHROW
You mean a werewolf?
ALBA
What gave you that idea?
WITHROW
Oh, full moon, howling and screaming in the distance…
MAGNUS
Oh yeah, look, there’s a full moon tonight. What are the odds?
ALBA
Why do you think they’re having a festival?
Holly zooms past.
HOLLY
(shouting from the air)
I see him! Alba, he’s coming this way! I think he’s following your scent.
ALBA
Oh, let’s hope so.
The screams get closer. Then Jerome appears, panting and woofing happily.
JEROME
Woof woof rarf woof!
ALBA
Toby! Come here, boy.
Jerome launches himself at her and knocks her to the ground.
ALBA (CONT’D)
Oof! Okay, that’s enough. No kisses.
HOLLY
Yay!
MAGNUS
Does anybody have a collar?
HOLLY
We should be fine. He’ll follow Alba just about anywhere as long as he doesn’t get distracted.
ALBA
All right, Toby. Off. Cut it out.
She pushes him off.
WITHROW
Alba? Do you want a hand?
ALBA
I’m fine.
WITHROW
Come on, let me help you up.
Jerome abruptly stops panting. Deadly silence. He lets out a deep, throaty growl.
ALBA
(quietly)
Withrow, stop. Back away, please. He can be a bit jealous—
WITHROW
He’s wagging his tail!
What’s up, buddy? Why don’t you move over and let Alba…
Jerome lunges, snarling like a demon.
WITHROW
Aagh! Whoa! Buddy! Nice werewolf!
HOLLY
Toby!
Withrow scrambles back, then runs off, screaming and pursued by a werewolf. Alba and Holly give chase, their voices all fading into the crowd.
ALBA
Withrow! I told you to back away!
WITHROW
Help!
HOLLY
Toby, it’s all right!
MAGNUS
So I’ll just look after the stall, okay? Okay!
Duviar nectar! Three pennies a glass!
EXT. FAIRGROUND MUSIC STAGE
The band finishes their song, and Pearcey and Loria emerge from the dancing crowd, laughing.
PEARCEY
I think I need a drink after that!
LORIA
Glad you came to the Faire?
PEARCEY
Yes, yes.
The dancing fairgoers suddenly erupt in panic as Jerome chases Withrow through their midst. Shouts of “Look out!” and “Mad dog!”
JEROME
(barking viciously)
WITHROW
(screaming)
Help! Somebody!
PEARCEY
Loria, look out!
LORIA
Whoa!
WITHROW
Aaaaa!
Withrow and Jerome barrel past. People scatter. The band stumbles to a halt.
PEARCEY
Are you all right?
LORIA
Yeah. Looks like they found their lost dog.
The crowd is in chaos. Holly shouts from overhead.
HOLLY
It’s okay! He won’t hurt you. Toby, over here!
WITHROW
Look out, everybody! It’s a werewolf!
Gasps from the crowd.
HOLLY
Oh, thanks, Withrow, that was really helpful!
LORIA
That was a werewolf?
PEARCEY
(sighs)
I’m going to have to write this up.
LORIA
Wow.
Cut to the midst of the crowd.
JEROME
(growls)
HOLLY
Everybody stay back! Withrow, you can move away slowly.
Withrow?
SMALL CHILD
Puppy!
BUDDY (A FAIRE-GOER)
Someone needs to deal with that dog!
HOLLY
We are dealing with him!
BIFF (ANOTHER FAIRE-GOER)
It’s not a dog, it’s a werewolf. I got this.
Biff steps out of the crowd and draws a sword. Cheers.
BUDDY
Yeah, you get him, Biff!
HOLLY
Albaaa! Where are you?!
The crowd begins to close in, some pulling out makeshift weapons. Shouts of “Fight! Fight!”
JEROME
(growls louder)
BIFF
Everybody, keep steady. We got him cornered.
I’m gonna put this dog down.
He takes a fancy swing with his sword. Loria steps in front of him.
LORIA
Uh-uh. No you don’t!
HOLLY
What she said!
BIFF
Get out of the way.
PEARCEY
Stop! Weapons down, all of you.
BIFF
Move it, ladies. I don’t want to have to hurt you.
LORIA
You back off, buddy!
PEARCEY
Are you threatening a Minister of the Crown, sir?
BIFF
(laughs)
What, you?
Pearcey takes off her mask.
PEARCEY
Yes. Antalia Pearcey, Minister of Magical Affairs and Health.
BIFF
Oooo!
HOLLY
Oh my gosh! Hi, Ms Pearcey!
PEARCEY
Yes, hello Holly.
BIFF
Well, la di da.
PEARCEY
Sir, put your sword away.
BIFF
If you’re Minister of Magical whatever, why aren’t you dealing with this animal?
PEARCEY
The situation is under control.
(whispers to Holly)
It is under control, isn’t it?
HOLLY
(whispers)
Totally! Alba’s on her way.
PEARCEY
She’d better be.
(aloud)
One of our specialists will be here at any moment.
BUDDY
That monster could hurt people!
HOLLY
He is people! He’s a person, like you and me. Even if he does steal the occasional sandwich and pee on things he shouldn’t. He’s never hurt anyone!
BIFF
Clear off, fairy.
He shoves her aside.
HOLLY
Ow! Hey!
BIFF
C’mon, little wolfy.
PEARCEY
Sir, I won’t ask you again. Put the sword away.
BIFF
This thing could kill everybody. It’s a monster.
HOLLY
He’s not a monster.
Holly’s wings start to buzz angrily. Wind howls. The crowd starts to back away.
BIFF
Says you.
(then)
What the hell are you?
HOLLY
I’m the Queen of the Wind, buster!
BIFF
(shaken)
Well, why don’t you blow awaaaay—aaaaaa!
Biff’s voice is distorted as he’s sucked into a whirlwind. His sword goes flying as the wind carries him off.
HOLLY
(straining)
There. Anybody else?
BUDDY
Nope, I think I’m good.
The crowd mutters uncertainly. The wind dies down and Holly’s wings buzz to a stop.
Alba runs up.
ALBA
Get out of the way.
Toby!
PEARCEY
Ms Salix. Thank heavens.
JEROME
(pants happily)
ALBA
Good boy. Come here. Is everything all right?
Holly?
HOLLY
(giddy from exhaustion)
Hi Alba! I, um… there was a guy with a sword and I… kind of stopped him.
She falls over.
ALBA
Holly?
JEROME
Woof!
PEARCEY
As you were. Thank you, everyone. Please, go back to enjoying the Faire.
LORIA
The Minister commands you to go have fun.
The crowd reluctantly disperses. The band gets back to playing.
PEARCEY
Ms Salix? Did you know about this individual’s condition? Is he a patient of yours?
ALBA
What’s that, Toby? Time for a walk?
JEROME
(excited)
Whuff!
PEARCEY
Ms Salix!
ALBA
Sorry, it’s so loud here! Let’s talk some other time! Come on, Holly.
HOLLY
(still giddy)
I’m okay!
Alba, Holly and Jerome rush off.
LORIA
Well? How’s that for excitement?
PEARCEY
His Majesty owes me a raise.
LORIA
Mmm hmm. Dinner?
PEARCEY
Yes, please.
MUSIC STING
EXT. HILLTOP, AFTER MIDNIGHT
Crickets. The party can be heard faintly in the distance. Withrow speaks in hushed whispers with a woman.
PARABEL
There you are.
WITHROW
Sorry I’m late. There was a… situation.
PARABEL
The moon is almost at its zenith. Did you bring the device?
WITHROW
Um… as I said, there was a tiny bit of an incident and… somebody stole it.
PARABEL
What?!
WITHROW
I got chased around. There was a whole thing, with a werewolf…
PARABEL
Why weren’t you keeping out of sight tonight?
WITHROW
Hey, a guy’s gotta make a living somehow.
PARABEL
Did you see who took it?
WITHROW
No. I must have dropped it when I was being chased.
PARABEL
You fool. I should have known better than to hire you.
WITHROW
Well, you wanted to summon a demon.
PARABEL
Can the ritual be done without the device?
WITHROW
It’s dangerous. I wouldn’t want to try—
MAGNUS
Why… hello.
PARABEL
(gasps)
WITHROW
(startled)
Magnus! What the…
MAGNUS
Hey, Withrow. How’s it going?
WITHROW
What are you doing here?
A rustle of grass as Magnus steps forward.
MAGNUS
Just getting some fresh air. Anyway, Withrow, dude, while you were running for your life, I noticed you dropped a little something on the ground.
WITHROW
Do you have it?
MAGNUS
Say, who’s your scary friend?
PARABEL
(disguising her voice)
None of your business, boy.
MAGNUS
Fair enough. Nice cloak.
Anyway, so here’s this little doodad…
He pulls it out of his pocket.
WITHROW
Thanks, kid. You’re saving my—
MAGNUS
Uh-uh-uh. Not so fast.
PARABEL
Be careful with that!
MAGNUS
Now, my best guess is, this is some kind of deflector? Like, for detecting and dispelling magical barriers? As you would if, you know, you were summoning a demon from another plane?
PARABEL
Just hand it over.
MAGNUS
I’ve been reading up, man. I know things.
PARABEL
If you two are quite finished…
MAGNUS
Do I know you from somewhere?
PARABEL
No.
She takes a step back. Magnus follows.
MAGNUS
I totally do.
PARABEL
Stay away from me.
WITHROW
C’mon, never mind her. Give me the—
MAGNUS
Ha!
Magnus lunges forward and knocks Parabel’s hood back.
WITHROW
Magnus—
MAGNUS
(in disbelief)
Whoaaaa! It’s—you’re—
PARABEL
Yes. I am.
MAGNUS
You’re the Queen. You’re the actual mothergoosing Queen! What the heck is going on?
PARABEL
You will address me properly.
MAGNUS
Right. Right. Your Majesty, whatever. Sorry. What are you two up to?
PARABEL
Right now, we are about to deal with a stupid boy who has found out too much.
Mister Lee. Kill him.
MAGNUS
Ho ho! I’d like to see you try. Ha! Hoo!
He strikes a pose, then carries out a flurry of unarmed moves.
WITHROW
Look, kid. I don’t want to do this. I really, really don’t want to do this, but…
MAGNUS
Yeah?
WITHROW
Obliviscere!
A violent surge of magic.
MAGNUS
Aw, dude, that spell was sweet! Alba never… shows me anything… cool…
(gasps)
He falls to the ground.
MUSIC STING
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING RECEPTION
Jerome wanders in from the back, barefoot.
JEROME
Ugh. Where am I?
ALBA
Good morning, Jerome.
JEROME
Oh! Morning, Alba! Hi Holly.
HOLLY
You should get some rest, Jerome. You had a busy night last night.
JEROME
I did? What was last night?
HOLLY
The Harvest Moon Faire?
JEROME
It was? How come I don’t remember it? Darn it, I was looking forward to it. I always seem to miss it for some reason…
ALBA
Jerome, we have some important news to tell you.
JEROME
Okay?
HOLLY
The first thing is, you should read this brochure I made!
JEROME
“Were It’s At”. Is that spelled right?
HOLLY
Read it! Read it!
JEROME
“Were It’s At. A guide for new and newly-discovered—”
(gasps)
Is this for real? I’m a…?
ALBA
I’m afraid so.
JEROME
This explains so much…
The front door opens and Magnus wanders in.
MAGNUS
Hey guys.
HOLLY
Hey Magnus! Did you have fun at the Faire last night?
MAGNUS
The Faire? Like, the Harvest Moon Faire?
HOLLY
Yes!
MAGNUS
…was last night?
HOLLY
Yes!
MAGNUS
You sure?
HOLLY
Pretty sure! Jerome turned into a werewolf and everything.
MAGNUS
Aw man. That would have been cool to see.
How come I don’t remember any of it?
JEROME
I don’t remember anything either. Magnus! Are you a werewolf?
MAGNUS
Am I…?
Maybe!
JEROME
Here, read this list of symptoms.
ALBA
Magnus is not a werewolf.
MAGNUS
Yeah? You don’t know.
ALBA
Catch.
She tosses him a small bottle, which he catches.
MAGNUS
What’s this?
ALBA
A bottle made of silver.
JEROME
(growls)
ALBA
You’re not a werewolf, Magnus.
MAGNUS
Aww! But… last night—
ALBA
It was the Harvest Moon. Half the town can’t remember what they did last night.
MAGNUS
Well, I’m sure I did something awesome. Dangit. That would be so cool. Hey, Jerome, do you think you could…?
JEROME
Huh?
MAGNUS
You know, just a little bite. Here. Right on the arm.
JEROME
You want me to bite you?
ALBA
No. Jerome, no biting. Magnus, get to work.
MAGNUS
You never let me have any fun.
CREDITS
CLOSING THEME
ELI
In “Harvest Moon”, Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode Four, you heard Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix, Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey,
with Mbula Enobong as Loria Berenice, Robert Frances as Jerome, Abbas Hussain as Withrow Lee, George Bertwell as King Gunther and Marisa King as Queen Parabel.
and special guests:
Royal Librarians Amanda McLoughlin and Julia Schifini, hosts of of the podcast Spirits;
the prologue was read by Chris Luckhardt;
the Cook and young Master Martin were Alan Burgon and Julia C. Thorne of The Amelia Project from Imploding Fictions;
and Biff was played by James Oliva, heard on countless shows and creator of What’s The Frequency.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard.
Music and sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Associate producers: Heather Collins, Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco and Keiko Kanda.
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger.
Executive Producer: Dave Addison.
TAG: HOUSE OF HEALING RECEPTION
MAGNUS
(whispers)
Quick. Alba’s not looking.
JEROME
I dunno about this.
ALBA
Magnus.
MAGNUS
It’s for science!
OUTRO
ELI
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