King Gunther’s outlandish plans for a new school of medicine require Minister Pearcey and the House of Healing crew to throw a gala fundraiser.
Starring:
Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix
Julian Sark as Magnus
Olivia Jon as Holly
and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey
with George Bertwell as King Gunther
Marisa King as Queen Parabel
Abbas Hussain as Neighbour 2
Hugo Jones as Lord Croncible
and special guests:
Neighbour 1: Jack Pevyhouse of Misadventure by Death, Jim Robbie and the upcoming Forest Guide
Edgar Preston: Alexander Danner of Greater Boston
Lady Jonewood: Sarah Golding
Script, music and sound design by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Associate Producers: Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco, Keiko Kanda and Heather Collins
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger
Executive Producer: Dave Addison
Content warning: Knife violence, panic, magical pregnancy, icky diseases, things going bang.
INTRODUCTION
ELI
Greetings! Kamusta! Góðan daginn! It’s Eli here, your writer and co-producer, bringing you Episode 5 of Alba Salix, Royal Physician, Volume 2.
Somehow we are already up to Episode 5, because time flies when you’re making podcasts, apparently. We’re coming up on our crazypants season finale next week. But don’t worry—there are more stories to come, believe you me.
First off, The End of Time and Other Bothers! If you haven’t heard it yet, that’s our improvised role-playing game spinoff, set mostly in the same world as Alba, full of fairy cakes and demons and utter lunacy. We’ve got a holiday special on the way, and a new season starting in January. Look for “Other Bothers” in your favourite podcast app.
Next up, it’s another season of The Axe & Crown. Gubbin, Stan and Betula will be back in the studio in the new year. We’ll have more about that soon on this podcast feed too… and in the meantime, if you support us on Patreon, you might catch a little scene featuring our favourite trolls, coming soon. And we’ve already begun planning Season 3 of Alba, of course, and it’s going to be a wild ride too.
So, tons of stories coming at you! If you want to help us get them made, and you’re able to, do consider joining us on Patreon. You’ll get regular updates, plus a ton of bonus content and other goodies, and you’ll get to hear all those new episodes first. Look for the Patreon link at albasalix.com.
That’s all for now. On with Episode 5!
MUSIC STING
INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM
A big wooden door opens and Gunther enters.
GUNTHER
(excited)
Hello, Minister. Hello, Alba.
PEARCEY
Your Majesty.
ALBA
Your Majesty.
GUNTHER
I’ve just been reviewing your proposal for this new School of Medicine.
PEARCEY
You read it?
I mean, thank you for reading it, Your Majesty.
GUNTHER
And I agree. We need to begin training a new generation of healers to keep this kingdom fit and well. A state-of-the-art facility for research and education. And I believe we should begin as soon as possible.
ALBA
That is good news.
PEARCEY
I can have my staff draw up a list of requirements for the building design…
GUNTHER
No need.
PEARCEY
Your Majesty?
GUNTHER
I’ve designed it already!
ALBA
(to herself)
I’m not going to say anything. I’m not going to say anything.
GUNTHER
It’s over here.
Behold!
Gunther strides over to a corner and whisks away a sheet.
ALBA
(sighs)
PEARCEY
It’s… very nice.
GUNTHER
Isn’t it? I’ve been using a brand-new tool—a gift from the Gnomish ambassador. It’s a kit with all these parts you can snap together to create “visualizations” of buildings, or whole streets… Look, there’s even little trees.
ALBA
Yes, the trees…
PEARCEY
…are lovely, Your Majesty.
GUNTHER
And now, we can simply pop down a piece of paper, and the quill magically draws up all the blueprints and the budget for us.
He does so. The quill begins sketching and writing at high speed.
PEARCEY
Why is it such a strange shape?
GUNTHER
It’s a unicorn! Known for their legendary powers of healing.
ALBA
Give me strength.
PEARCEY
Oh, it’s lying down. I was confused. So this tower here…
GUNTHER
Yes, that’s the head! I thought perhaps the horn could even light up magically.
ALBA
Ahh.
PEARCEY
Mmm.
They regard the building in silence.
ALBA
Well, I’m quite certain there’s no other building like this anywhere in the world.
GUNTHER
I know!
I have already signed a decree that construction will begin in the spring.
PEARCEY
Really! Your Majesty has the funding all ready?
GUNTHER
Ahh. In fact, that is why I’ve brought you here. We need to find the money to get the old shovels in the ground.
ALBA
Hopefully there’ll be more than just shovels.
GUNTHER
Oh, indeed. Shovels in the ground, bricks on top of the ground, a… roof on top of the bricks…
ALBA
Spoken like a brilliant architect, Your Majesty.
GUNTHER
So you two will need to coordinate and… uh, raise the funds from private sources.
PEARCEY
How much?
GUNTHER
According to the budget calculator… five hundred and forty thousand crowns.
PEARCEY
(a strangled noise)
ALBA
And perhaps there might be a few pennies left over for repairs to the existing House of Healing?
GUNTHER
Oh yes, we can throw that in too.
What I thought we could do is to hold a great big gala. The Queen herself will be the royal patron, and lead the fundraising campaign.
ALBA
Isn’t that lovely of her.
GUNTHER
And as Parabel is the founding patron, it will be called… the Queen Parabel School of Medicine.
ALBA
Of course it will. Why don’t you make a building that’s shaped like her, then?
GUNTHER
(gasps)
Alba, that’s brilliant. What was I thinking?
Ha! Unicorns indeed. I’m going to go and find Parabel right away!
He rushes out.
ALBA
And tell her to ask all her friends for money!
OPENING THEME
HERALD
By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician, Volume Two!
Episode the Fifth: A Blueprint For Success.
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING—RECEPTION
Pearcey’s heels echo around the room as she paces.
PEARCEY
(sighs)
Loria warned me there was something like this coming, but I had no idea it would be this bad.
Have you heard anything from the Queen yet?
ALBA
Nothing. She’s barely gone out in public lately, since, well…
PEARCEY
Since what? Is something wrong?
ALBA
You didn’t hear this from me, but she’s pregnant.
PEARCEY
Oh no. Is it far along? Do you think she’ll be able to carry out her duties as patron?
ALBA
She’ll be fine. The baby’s not due until April. But that doesn’t mean she’ll actually lift a finger to help us.
PEARCEY
It’s down to us, then. Half a million crowns for a building we didn’t ask for.
ALBA
I thought you’d be used to this sort of thing by now.
PEARCEY
And you know I’ll be the one to blame when it all goes horribly wrong.
(slowly building panic)
Oh gods, the swan boats. It’s the swan boats again…
ALBA
It’s not the swan boats.
PEARCEY
It is. I’m responsible for building someone else’s terrible idea, and I’m going to be the one who has to clean up all the blood afterward…
ALBA
Let’s keep it together. We just need a plan.
PEARCEY
(calming breaths)
Yes. A plan. All right.
Who is our main demographic? Wealthy patrons, I suppose. The nobility?
She takes out pen and paper and begins to jot notes.
ALBA
Her Majesty is still our best connection there.
PEARCEY
We might be better to focus on the wealthy merchants and industrialists, then.
ALBA
Looking to put their names on a prestigious project.
PEARCEY
And after all, they benefit from a healthy workforce.
ALBA
(sighs)
I didn’t become Royal Physician to go about begging for money.
PEARCEY
It wasn’t part of my job description either. But here we are.
Could your staff be any help to us?
ALBA
There’s a first time for everything.
MUSIC STING
EXT. DOORSTEP—DAY
Magnus knocks on the door. After a moment, it’s opened by a nervous old woman.
NEIGHBOUR 1
Yes? Can I help you?
MAGNUS
Hey, how are you, ma’am? My name is Magnus, and I’m here on behalf of the Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health…
NEIGHBOUR 1
Never heard of it.
MAGNUS
Yeah, it’s a new thing. We’re raising money to build a new school for healers…
NEIGHBOUR 1
That all sounds very nice, but I haven’t got—
MAGNUS
Okay, look. Do you like being healthy?
NEIGHBOUR 1
I suppose so?
MAGNUS
Yeah, you do. Eating, breathing, having teeth? Not dying? All that good stuff?
NEIGHBOUR 1
Sure.
MAGNUS
Now, do you know what the number one threat to your health is?
NEIGHBOUR 1
Pony pox?
MAGNUS
Nope.
NEIGHBOUR 1
Goblin fever?
MAGNUS
Wrong again. It’s Liqui-Melt… ibium Syndrome.
NEIGHBOUR 1
You what?
MAGNUS
You haven’t heard of Liqui-Meltico Syndrome? It’s a tropical disease from the south. It’s transmitted by spiders.
NEIGHBOUR 1
Ugh!
MAGNUS
Right? Did you know that the average human inhales up to sixteen spiders every night?
NEIGHBOUR 1
No! We inhale them?
MAGNUS
They’re sneaky little bastards. And now that the disease is on the move, every one of those spiders might be a carrier.
NEIGHBOUR 1
How do I know if I’ve got it?
MAGNUS
Oh, you’ll know. Trust me, you’ll know. The disease actually starts liquefying soft tissues like your brain and eyeballs and all your organs. That’s why it’s called the Squirty Plague, see? And then all that goo starts leaking out of every orifice on your body.
NEIGHBOUR 1
Gods above.
MAGNUS
Of course, before all that happens, it starts with soreness and flu-like symptoms. Do you ever have soreness in your arms and legs, or your back, or…?
NEIGHBOUR 1
Well, yeah. I’m on my feet all day at the store. I just assumed it was from working long hours…
MAGNUS
Never assume. When you assume you make a soup out of your soft tissues.
NEIGHBOUR 1
Oh dear. I need to see a healer.
MAGNUS
You should. And you know what else you should do? Donate generously to the Queen Parabel School of Medicine. We take pledges, but cash is faster and easier.
NEIGHBOUR 1
Yes. Absolutely. Wow.
MAGNUS
Just know that you may well be saving a life. Your own.
MUSIC STING
INT. HOUSE OF HEALING—RECEPTION
PEARCEY
Good morning, team.
HOLLY
Hi Ms Pearcey!
ALBA
You have a “bad news” look. Don’t tell me.
PEARCEY
I just found out we won’t be able to use the Great Hall at the palace.
HOLLY
Aww! Why not?
PEARCEY
They’re still cleaning up from the ball they held in honour of Prince Aquarelian and his entourage.
HOLLY
Oh, I heard about that! Didn’t they have a great big water fight? That sounded like so much fun!
ALBA
It is an honoured custom amongst the mer-people.
HOLLY
Traditions like that can be so wonderful for bringing everyone together.
PEARCEY
Not to mention costing several thousand crowns in water damage. They’re still wringing out all the tapestries.
ALBA
Well, next time the mer-people visit, perhaps His Majesty will think to host them down at the harbour.
PEARCEY
(sighs)
They brought hoses.
ALBA
So do we have another venue?
PEARCEY
The only place that’s available Friday night is the Old Coach House.
HOLLY
Yay, that’s a pretty building!
ALBA
A bit… rough and ready.
HOLLY
It has a simple home-spun charm.
PEARCEY
They’re still charging us a fortune for the booking. We’re hardly going to have anything left for food and drink.
HOLLY
No problem! I love cooking. And I can bring some of my fairy friends to help out as well!
PEARCEY
Hmm. How many friends are we talking about?
ALBA
No. Minister, think about what you’re saying.
HOLLY
It’ll save us money. We fairies are experts at foraging for wild food. And we can sing and dance while we cook!
ALBA
Can I also add: no.
PEARCEY
Well, we should still consider it, given our budget.
Holly, if you and your friends would provide us a full ingredient list ahead of time. We have to be aware of dietary restrictions.
HOLLY
Oh, but I always improvise. You know, add a little bit of whatever’s in season…
ALBA
Which is how we ended up having to fix a dozen people who ate your ginger snaps and suddenly grew tails.
HOLLY
The tails were cute!
PEARCEY
(alarmed)
Or perhaps you can help with decorating instead.
HOLLY
I can do that! We’ll fill every corner of the Old Coach House with flowers.
PEARCEY
As long as they aren’t poisonous, allergenic or covered in thorns.
HOLLY
Well…
PEARCEY
Nothing’s going to go wrong. Is that clear? No tails! No swan boats! Not again!
ALBA
I will provide a list of safe flower varieties.
PEARCEY
Good. Good.
HOLLY
Okay. Is there anything else I can do to help? Please?
PEARCEY
Let’s talk about the gala later. How has the door-to-door campaign been going?
ALBA
We’re up to forty-five hundred crowns.
PEARCEY
A bit slower than I’d hoped.
ALBA
Well, there were a few hiccups early on… but we fixed them.
MUSIC STING
EXT. DOORSTEP
Magnus knocks on the door. It’s opened by a gruff older man.
NEIGHBOUR 2
Yes? Hello?
MAGNUS
Hey, how are you, sir? My name is Magnus, and I’m here on behalf of the Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health…
NEIGHBOUR 2
Yeah, I have no idea what that is.
MAGNUS
We are building a brand new school so we can teach lots more healers and heal lots more people. Sounds great, right? Right. They’re gonna be out there fixing bones and smacking babies and removing unwanted tails…
NEIGHBOUR 2
Removing what?
MAGNUS
So you can see why your donation is so important.
NEIGHBOUR 2
“My donation.” Yeah, right, buddy. Let me guess, you only take cash.
MAGNUS
(he struggles for a moment)
Why… no. I am not allowed to accept cash donations.
NEIGHBOUR 2
Yeah? Why not?
MAGNUS
Because my boss doesn’t trust me not to steal the donations for myself.
Wait, what the hell is going on?
NEIGHBOUR 2
What kinda scam is this?
MAGNUS
Yes, I totally came here to scam you. Dammit! Stop asking me questions!
NEIGHBOUR 2
Is this some kind of weird double bluff?
What’s your name, kid? Who do you work for?
MAGNUS
Magnus of Hezelford. I work for Alba Salix, the Royal Physician… who apparently slipped me a truth potion before I went out this morning. The damn witch!
NEIGHBOUR 2
You work for the Royal Physician.
MAGNUS
Yes! I’m her apprentice. Look, I’ve taken up enough of your time—
Magnus starts backing away, but the man grabs him by the arm.
NEIGHBOUR 2
Not so fast. I’m turning you in, you little fraud.
MAGNUS
Ow! Let go!
NEIGHBOUR 2
“Ministry of Magical Affairs”. What kind of fool do you think I am?
MAGNUS
A big one, I figured, but apparently you’re much smarter than you—ow! It’s true! Everything I’ve said is true. The Ministry, the school thing…
NEIGHBOUR 2
You said it was a scam.
MAGNUS
No, the fundraising part is real, I was just stealing donations.
NEIGHBOUR 2
Well, you picked the wrong guy to try and rip off.
MAGNUS
No argument here!
NEIGHBOUR 2
I was a sergeant in the town guard. You know what we did with little creeps like you?
MAGNUS
Ow! I warn you, I know many unarmed moves that I hope look intimidating but actually kind of suck in a real fight—dammit!
NEIGHBOUR 2
I guess the question is, do I report this to your boss, or should I turn you in to the town guard?
MAGNUS
Town guard, definitely town guard.
NEIGHBOUR 2
All right, back to the witch it is.
MAGNUS
I’m begging you, man! Turn me in!
MUSIC STING
INT. BALLROOM
Holly flutters across the room as she works. We hear rustling, like leaves, and an unsteady creaking sound.
HOLLY
(singing)
Welcome, welcome, you’re just in time… to help us build a brand new school, la la la!
Magnus is working, closer at hand.
MAGNUS
Argh! Dammit… Holly, are you sure these are the “safe” flowers?
HOLLY
Magnus! I’m ready for the next garland. Come on! We need to finish!
She touches down beside Magnus.
MAGNUS
Just hold your horses. I’ve got blisters from stringing all these stupid garlands.
HOLLY
Well, if you didn’t want to be stringing stupid garlands in the stupid ballroom, you shouldn’t have tried stealing money from our donors.
MAGNUS
Stupid donors. Stupid retired cop donors.
Here’s your garland. Are we done now?
HOLLY
Stay put. I’m not supposed to let you out of my sight.
Holly flies up and starts tying the garland.
HOLLY
Wait, it’s not going to reach. Magnus! The garland’s too short!
MAGNUS
Yeah, well, I ran out of twine! Look, just tie it to one of the arms of the chandelier.
HOLLY
But then it won’t be symmetrical.
MAGNUS
So, do the same thing on the other side.
HOLLY
We can’t waste any more time. Ms Pearcey’s going to be back here any minute.
MAGNUS
I know! Look—go ahead and tie it off and we’ll fix it later.
HOLLY
Okay, okay.
Holly flutters about.
MAGNUS
See? It’s fine. It’s on the far side, so she won’t even notice.
Holly finishes and touches down.
HOLLY
There.
MAGNUS
Nice.
HOLLY
All right. Let’s start setting up the tables.
MAGNUS
Sure. Give me a minute. I just want to enjoy the feeling of having arms, while I still can.
HOLLY
The garlands do look pretty good from here!
MAGNUS
Right?
Well, I guess we better get on with—
Part of the chandelier gives way with a groan. The garland rustles, and metal and cut glass smash on the floor.
HOLLY
Aaaa!
MAGNUS
Oh boy.
HOLLY
Get a broom!
They run around trying to clean up.
MAGNUS
I told you we shouldn’t have tied it to the chandelier.
HOLLY
You…!
She hits him.
MAGNUS
Ow! Hey! Physical assault in the workplace!
The door opens, and Pearcey enters with an armful of flowers.
PEARCEY
Holly, Magnus, I’ve brought the flowers for the centrepieces. How are you doing with the…
(she notices the mess)
…tables?
MAGNUS
Hey… hello, Madam Minister.
PEARCEY
(icy silence, then)
Well. There’s another five hundred crowns down the privy.
HOLLY
I’m sorry, Ms Pearcey!
MAGNUS
It’s all good. This gala is supposed to bring in money. That’s kind of the whole idea, right?
PEARCEY
Yes. We’re expecting fifty of the richest people in the kingdom to come and give us money. And look at this place. Honestly. A broken chandelier. Stems and leaves and glass everywhere.
HOLLY
We’re cleaning up!
MAGNUS
It’s all under control, your ministerialness.
PEARCEY
All right. Deep breaths. Let’s take it one step at a time—
The other arm of the chandelier falls off with a crash. Everyone gives a shout of alarm.
HOLLY
Aaa! Watch out!
PEARCEY
(sighs)
MAGNUS
Well hey, at least it’s symmetrical again.
PEARCEY
Get. This. Cleaned. Up.
HOLLY
Yes, Ms Pearcey.
They start sweeping up.
MAGNUS
So… those new flowers sure look nice.
PEARCEY
Yes. The rest are on the way from the florist. For the love of Loxsyn, don’t break all the vases as well.
MAGNUS
(under his breath, mocking)
“Don’t break all the vases as well…”
HOLLY
Wait… these are orange vipertongues.
PEARCEY
That’s right.
HOLLY
They’re not on Alba’s list!
PEARCEY
Yes they are…
HOLLY
No they’re not! Who ordered them?
PEARCEY
I did. It was… a special request.
MAGNUS
Vipertongues, huh? Do they cause swift and painful death?
HOLLY
They can cause mild sinus allergies in some humans.
MAGNUS
Boo. You can’t name something that lame after a viper.
PEARCEY
All right. We don’t have time to change them. Just set up the tables, please.
HOLLY
All right, but if someone sneezes themselves to death, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
MUSIC STING
INT. PALACE CHAMBER
GUNTHER
Parabel, darling…
PARABEL
Yes, dear.
GUNTHER
Why aren’t you getting ready for the gala tonight? I thought you’d be excited to spend the evening with your friends… see and be seen, enjoy yourself.
PARABEL
I don’t think I can.
GUNTHER
Why ever not?
PARABEL
I’m not feeling well.
GUNTHER
Because of the baby?
PARABEL
Yes… the baby.
GUNTHER
You could put in a brief appearance, surely. You had that lovely pink dress picked out…
PARABEL
It doesn’t fit any more.
GUNTHER
We just had it adjusted! Come now. Let’s see.
PARABEL
It doesn’t fit.
GUNTHER
Surely the baby’s not growing that fast. Is it?
PARABEL
Look.
She stands up.
GUNTHER
Oh. Oh good heavens. I could swear you were half that size only yesterday.
PARABEL
Why, thank you, darling.
GUNTHER
I didn’t mean it as a criticism! That is a royal baby in there, after all.
PARABEL
As I said, the dress doesn’t fit.
GUNTHER
This is happening rather quickly, isn’t it? Should we be worried?
PARABEL
No, no, Alba says it’s just a… super-expansionary pregnancy, I think she called it.
GUNTHER
Oh dear, that does sound dangerous.
PARABEL
Oh, no. She says it’s nothing to be worried about.
GUNTHER
Ah, good! Then you can go to the gala.
PARABEL
It’s just so uncomfortable.
GUNTHER
Just for a few minutes.
PARABEL
Very, very, uncomfortable.
GUNTHER
Then we’d better get Alba back here to see you.
PARABEL
Not that uncomfortable!
GUNTHER
Parabel, dear, your people need you. It’ll be your name on this new building, and your face, smiling down at every bright young student, every loopy old wizard who steps through its doors!
PARABEL
(softening)
Yes.
GUNTHER
Not to mention the rumours that will spread if you don’t show up.
PARABEL
(sighs)
All right, darling. I’ll go.
GUNTHER
Thank you. We’ll get the tailors in here right away to see to that dress. You’ll look magnificent.
PARABEL
I always do…
GUNTHER
Courage, my treasure. You’ve done this twice before!
PARABEL
Yes, that’s true.
(to herself)
Though this one’s turning out a little bit differently.
MUSIC STING
INT. BACK HALLWAY
PEARCEY
Where is everyone? The musicians are late…
HOLLY
I’m sure they’ll be here any minute.
MAGNUS
Pff. Musicians are always late.
PEARCEY
The Palace caterers are nowhere to be found. To say nothing of—
The door opens. Alba hurries in from the rain—it’s pouring outside.
PEARCEY
Ahh, there you are.
ALBA
Yes. Sorry, there was an emergency back at the House of Healing.
HOLLY
Oh no! What happened?
ALBA
An outbreak of pony pox.
PEARCEY
Well, get changed. Holly, I need you to fly up to the Palace and find out where on earth the royal caterers are.
HOLLY
Sure thing!
ALBA
No, no, don’t bother. I know exactly where they are.
PEARCEY
Where—oh no.
ALBA
Yup.
PEARCEY
Oh, no, no, no…
HOLLY
Well, don’t keep us in suspense. Where are they?
ALBA
At the House of Healing, recovering from a massive bout of pony pox.
HOLLY
Oh my gosh! All of them?
PEARCEY
I don’t suppose any of them are well enough to cook?
ALBA
And infect all our guests?
PEARCEY
Oh no, no, no.
(to Magnus and Holly)
Well, don’t just stand there, you two—get to work. Cooking!
MAGNUS
Us?
HOLLY
You got it! Cooking is my most favourite thing ever.
MAGNUS
Couldn’t we just make the dinner appear by magic? Like the Sorceror General used to do for banquets and things?
ALBA
That was all illusion. Someone had to actually make the food first.
MAGNUS
Great. So we’re screwed, in other words.
ALBA
Magnus, I have had a long day that is only getting longer. I need you two to go into that kitchen, find something on the menu that you think you can cook, and cook it.
HOLLY
You got it! We’ll take it from here.
PEARCEY
Good. Alba, get dressed. Our guests will be arriving soon, and then we’ll have to… mingle.
(she shudders)
ALBA
Yes. Good luck with that.
PEARCEY
Oh no. You’ve got to do your fair share too, Ms Salix. Come on. I’ve written out some sample donor conversations to practice.
ALBA
Fine.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
Holly hums as she fetches pots and utensils out of cupboards.
MAGNUS
“Asparagus Galinoise with a truffle infusion over steamed mastodon sprouts”?
Holly, do you understand anything on this menu?
HOLLY
Forget the menu. Let’s make it up as we go!
MAGNUS
Because that usually ends well.
HOLLY
The important thing is to have fun!
MUSIC STING
INT. BALLROOM
A refined crowd chatters and laughs. A string quartet plays in the background.
PEARCEY
Mister Preston!
PRESTON
What a terrific evening, Your Ladyship. Best party of the year.
PEARCEY
Thank you. It was so good of you to come.
PRESTON
Say, is something burning?
PEARCEY
I’m sure it’s fine.
Holly flies by.
HOLLY
Good evening, Your Ladyship! Hello, unknown gentleman!
PRESTON
Fairy servants! That’s a nice touch.
(to Holly)
Hello, darling.
HOLLY
Would you like a glass of sparkling wine?
PRESTON
I would love some.
PEARCEY
Thank you, Holly.
(whispers)
Is everything all right in the kitchen?
HOLLY
Perfectly fine!
PRESTON
(drinks)
Whew! That’s certainly different. A bit… I want to say, cabbagey?
PEARCEY
(sniffs)
Good heavens. Yes, there are certain… vegetal notes to it.
Holly, what on earth is this?
HOLLY
Fairy moonshine! It’s wholesome and nourishing. Contains twelve essential nutrients required to build stronger wings and add shine to your hair. If you had wings, I mean. Only the best for our wonderful donors!
PEARCEY
(whispers)
You made moonshine out of our dinner?
HOLLY
We had a problem with the hors d’oeuvres. Magnus is moving on to the soup course.
PEARCEY
(sighs)
PRESTON
(another sip)
Boy, this stuff does kind of grow on you, doesn’t it.
PEARCEY
Indeed! Well! I’m sure our good chef will have plenty more wonderful surprises up his sleeve tonight.
HOLLY
Yes! Yes, he will.
PRESTON
(tipsy already)
Whew! I could swear it’s getting a little hazy in here. Or is that just the wine?
PEARCEY
(whispers)
Holly? What is on fire?
HOLLY
I’ll be right back!
PEARCEY
Oh dear.
ALBA
Good evening.
PEARCEY
Ah, Ms Salix. Please meet Mister Edgar Preston. Mister Preston, this is Ms Alba Salix, the Royal Physician.
PRESTON
It’s an honour, Ms Salix.
PEARCEY
Mister Preston is one of our most generous donors.
ALBA
That’s wonderful.
PRESTON
Well, magic is our business, you know, and we’re very interested in giving back to the magical community…
ALBA
What business would that be?
PRESTON
I am the head of Mysticorp Energy, ma’am.
ALBA
(suddenly dark)
Mysticorp—oh. Yes.
PRESTON
The kingdom’s largest exporter of mystical energy!
ALBA
I’m aware. Extracting energy straight from the loo lines isn’t the safest of practices.
PEARCEY
(whispers)
Ms Salix…
PRESTON
We take every precaution—
ALBA
What was it now? Two major spills in the last year?
PRESTON
Now listen, those were sabotage by our competitors.
ALBA
Not to mention the earthquakes, and the rain of skunks back in April.
PEARCEY
Well! I must say, it was very good of Mister Preston to attend our little fundraiser, especially on such a stormy night.
PRESTON
Oh, it’s my pleasure. At least it’s only raining water, eh? Heh heh.
PEARCEY
We are certainly very grateful for his presence and his company’s generous donation. Aren’t we, Ms Salix?
ALBA
Yes. Yes, that is very good of him.
PEARCEY
It’s been lovely chatting with you, sir.
PRESTON
Likewise!
PEARCEY
(laughs politely then, to Alba:)
Why do you have to provoke our donors?
ALBA
Force of habit.
PEARCEY
Can you wait to do it until after our school is built?
ALBA
Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry.
(over her shoulder)
Aren’t those flowers lovely, Mister Preston?
PRESTON
Oh, yes, gorgeous.
He sniffs at one and begins sneezing violently.
MUSIC STING
INT. KITCHEN
Hissing steam and crackling flames.
HOLLY
Magnus! What happened in here?
MAGNUS
(coughing)
Nothing! Everything’s under control now.
HOLLY
I think the guests are getting hungry.
MAGNUS
I’m working on it! I’m trying to get an assembly line going here. So we just place the vegetables here. The knives chop them and lift them into the pot…
HOLLY
What, by themselves? Oh no, Magnus, don’t you dare try cooking with magic.
MAGNUS
We can’t feed all those people by hand! Watch, it’s gonna be fine.
(tries to remember)
Uh… so it’s… Nimis multi pomari!
Shing! Several knives spring into the air and hang there, clinking softly.
HOLLY
Aaa! Magnus, if you’re going to use magic, use it for things that don’t involve knives!
MAGNUS
It’s okay! It’s okay. Um… I dunno why they’re just floating there.
Nimis multi… pomarii?
The knives all begin chopping violently. Magnus and Holly both shout in alarm.
MAGNUS
Okay! That worked better than I expected.
Holly makes for the door as the knives pick up speed.
HOLLY
I’m going to deliver more drinks!
MUSIC STING
INT. BALLROOM
PEARCEY
Ms Salix, this is Lord Croncible, the shipping magnate.
CRONCIBLE
(a hearty older man with a southern US accent)
Oh, it is a pleasure to meet you, fair lady!
ALBA
Lord Croncible. It’s so good of you to lend us your support.
CRONCIBLE
It is my duty and pleasure.
(chuckles)
ALBA
(feigning great interest)
So. How is the shipping business? Sail any good ships lately?
CRONCIBLE
Oh, it’s about more than just ships these days!
ALBA
You don’t say!
CRONCIBLE
Yes, you see… these days the smart money is in carpets.
PEARCEY
Oh dear.
ALBA
What, shipping by carpet?
CRONCIBLE
Absolutely! Those Niamondese flying carpets are the wave of the future.
PEARCEY
Ah, how fascinating!
ALBA
Ms. Pearcey, didn’t you issue a report on freight carpets while you were Minister of Transportation?
PEARCEY
Oh, yes, just some preliminary findings…
ALBA
I think the conclusion was “inefficient and a risk to cargo and crew”.
CRONCIBLE
Oh, no, no, no, now there ya go. These modern ones are perfectly safe, dear lady. They’ve got bracing and active damping. We’ve even got side rails… No more being dumped overboard when a breeze comes up!
PEARCEY
Yes, you see, Ms Salix? Probably worth another look.
ALBA
Yes, I’m sure you’re right.
My, aren’t these flowers lovely?
PEARCEY
(instantly)
Don’t smell the flowers.
Does that mean you’ve solved the weight ratio problem, Your Lordship?
ALBA
Yes, didn’t I read that the bracing is so heavy they can barely carry a single banana?
CRONCIBLE
Bah! Simple technical challenges. The fourth-generation carpets use hollow bracing, so now we can carry a substantially much greater payload!
ALBA
Two bananas?
CRONCIBLE
That’s about right.
MUSIC STING
INT. KITCHEN
Knives chop and vegetables plop into a bubbling pot.
MAGNUS
There we go! Yeaaaah. This is going to be easy.
HOLLY
Wow! Magnus, you actually got it working.
MAGNUS
Of course I did! Turns out I’m a master at this. The magic was in me all along.
HOLLY
How does it taste?
MAGNUS
No idea. But hey, there’s enough for everybody!
HOLLY
Well, can you stop all the knives and things so I can try some?
MAGNUS
Yeah, see if it needs some spices or whatever.
Quiescite!
The knives keep right on going.
MAGNUS
Hello, that’s enough onions! Quiessi… Quiessita? Quiessita? Stop!
The pot starts to boil over and the knives chop faster and faster.
HOLLY
Magnus!
MAGNUS
Quiesco! Quiesto! Quiesque? Help! Help!
MUSIC STING
INT. BALLROOM
Alba and Ms. Pearcey approach the Jonewoods, a pair of frivolous nobles.
PEARCEY
Lord and Lady Jonewood, may I present Ms Alba Salix, the Royal Physician.
LORD JONEWOOD
Delighted.
LADY JONEWOOD
Charmed.
ALBA
Thank you both for being here.
LORD JONEWOOD
Yes! Well, it’s such an important cause, you know. I think it is such an imperative to care for the most vulnerable in our society, and orphans are among the most—
LADY JONEWOOD
(whispers)
Dearest, this is the House of Healing gala.
LORD JONEWOOD
Oh yes, of course. It’s Friday. Silly me. Uh, yes! Orphans are among the most likely to contract horrible diseases.
ALBA
Well, I suppose you’re not wrong.
LORD JONEWOOD
What’s that dreadful one with the eyeballs? And the extra teeth all over the place?
ALBA
The Biting Blight.
LADY JONEWOOD
Ugh! That does sound horrid.
LORD JONEWOOD
Horrid!
PEARCEY
Well! Speaking of horrid, how about tonight’s weather?
LADY JONEWOOD
Oh, it’s frightful out there! I was just saying—
A hush falls.
PAGE
His Majesty, King Gunther the Third!
Her Majesty, Queen Parabel!
A smattering of polite applause, and a few sneezes.
PEARCEY
Oh my. That’s odd.
ALBA
Isn’t it, though?
LORD JONEWOOD
Oh. Good heavens, I didn’t realize Her Majesty was… with child again.
LADY JONEWOOD
No, she’s isn’t—oh! She is! Dear me, when did that happen? I saw her only a week or two ago and there was no sign whatsoever.
LORD JONEWOOD
I say, this isn’t some wild new fashion in dresses, is it?
ALBA
No, that’s all her. Well, her, plus what looks one very big baby.
PEARCEY
Oh dear. I’d have postponed the gala if I’d known. I had no idea she was so far along.
ALBA
(under her breath)
She wasn’t.
GUNTHER
Ms Pearcey. Ms Salix.
PEARCEY
Your Majesties.
GUNTHER
Ready for the big unveiling?
ALBA
We simply can’t wait.
GUNTHER
Neither can I! I’d better check on the model.
(hums to himself as he bustles off)
PARABEL
(perfectly gracious, but barely holding together)
Ms Pearcey, what a perfectly splendid gala.
PEARCEY
Your Majesty is too kind.
PARABEL
Alba. Lady Jonewood, Lord Jonewood.
LADY JONEWOOD
Your Majesty.
LORD JONEWOOD
Your Majesty. I say, does this serve as an official announcement?
PARABEL
Announcement?
LORD JONEWOOD
Of your happy state? Of expectancy? Of a third child? Oh dear. Ha ha. Unless it’s some kind of dreadful bloat. I know women of a certain age are particularly susceptible to hyperinflation of the—
PARABEL
It’s a baby.
LADY JONEWOOD
Ah! Congratulations, Your Majesty.
LORD JONEWOOD
You must be so relieved! How far along are you?
PARABEL
Eleven weeks.
LADY JONEWOOD
(laughing)
Eleven weeks?!
LORD JONEWOOD
Oh my. Is that a lot?
PARABEL
…away. The baby is eleven weeks away!
LADY JONEWOOD
Oh, of course, of course.
They all laugh awkwardly and at great length.
ALBA
(whispering)
Your Majesty, a word if I may?
PARABEL
(whispering)
Not now. It’s almost time for the speeches.
ALBA
To hell with the speeches. I need to examine you, immediately!
Parabel!
Alba hurries out after her.
GUNTHER
(clears his throat)
Ladies and gentlemen, honoured guests.
The crowd falls silent. Someone sneezes.
GUNTHER
On behalf of the Queen Parabel Health Foundation, we extend our warmest thanks to all of you for your generous support. I know you’re all keen to find out what this building is going to look like, and believe me, I’m keen to show you! But before that, I want to acknowledge the patron of this vital project: Her Majesty, my dear Queen Parabel Salix.
Applause.
GUNTHER
Parabel, if you’d like to step up here and… um… Parabel?
A growing buzz of concerned whispers.
GUNTHER
Parabel? Has anyone seen the Queen?
INT. CORRIDOR
Rapid footsteps echo down the hall.
ALBA
Parabel! Where are you going?
PARABEL
I just need to catch my breath.
ALBA
That’s not all you need. Come back here.
PARABEL
Nothing is wrong.
ALBA
Yes, your being nine months pregnant, two and a half months in, is perfectly normal.
PARABEL
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this…
ALBA
What wasn’t?
From down the hall comes a smash and clatter of cutlery. Magnus pokes his head out the kitchen door. Parabel takes the opportunity to slip away down the hall.
MAGNUS
(breathless)
Alba! There you are. Boss, we got problems.
ALBA
Sort them out. I have a medical emergency.
MAGNUS
And I really, really need your help! Alba!
ALBA
Why? What have you done this time? No, don’t answer that. Just deal with it. I need to examine Her… Majesty. Oh no.
(shouts)
Parabel!
Magnus screams as something drags him back into the kitchen. The kitchen door slams. Muffled crashing.
ALBA
Magnus, did you see where the Queen went?
Magnus! Parabel!
Dammit.
INT. STOREROOM
Thunder rumbles and rain patters at the roof as Parabel stumbles in, panting for breath, and closes the door behind her. She gives a sudden, wrenching gasp of pain.
PARABEL
Oh no. Oh no, no, not now!
CREDITS
CLOSING THEME
ELI
In “Blueprint For Success”, Alba Salix, Volume Two, Episode Five, you heard Barbara Clifford as Alba Salix, Julian Sark as Magnus, Olivia Jon as Holly, and Elaine O’Neal as Antalia Pearcey,
with George Bertwell as King Gunther, Marisa King as Queen Parabel, Abbas Hussain as Neighbour 2, Hugo Jones as Lord Croncible,
and special guests:
Neighbour 1 was Jack Pevyhouse of Misadventure by Death, Jim Robbie and the upcoming Forest Guide;
Edgar Preston was Alexander Danner of Greater Boston;
and Lady Jonewood was Sarah Golding of nearly every audio drama on the planet.
Script, music and sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen.
Associate producers: Julian Sark, Michael Hudson, Jack Pevyhouse, Paul Tedesco, Keiko Kanda and Heather Collins.
Supporting Producer: Kim Bellinger.
Executive Producer: Dave Addison.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Donors get weekly bonus content, early access to episodes, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at albasalix.com.