Stan and his friend have a brilliant new business idea, but it’s going to need some work.
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King
Written by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Sound design by Eli McIlveen
Produced by Sean Howard
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona
Content warning: fire, panic and marketing.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
SEAN
Hey everyone, Sean here, one of the producers of The Axe & Crown. And we want to thank you for joining us on Season 2, what we call Round Two. I have a couple announcements.
First of all, we’re launching a special offer on Patreon for our patrons and supporters. For the next 30 days (and we’re launching this on December 2) you can get a special Axe & Crown sticker if you become a $5 and up supporter—and that’s in addition to all the other stuff you get, there are so many bonus episodes. And you can get that plus more, because this is going to be a tiered special offer. The first five people are going to get an Axe & Crown sticker at the $5 level. And then after that, we’re going to start giving everyone an Alba sticker a special sticker we’ve got printed, and then after the 10 people, if we get to that 11th person, everyone is going to get an Axe & Crown coaster.
We’re super excited about that. Your support allows us to keep creating the show, and there’s all kinds of other perks you get. And we recorded five bonus episodes for the Axe & Crown this season, plus all of our other bonus episodes you would get access to. You can find out about that by going to albasalix.com and clicking on the Patreon button—or by going to patreon.com/albasalix.
And the second announcement: Today’s episode is brought to you by the awesome Shaker & Spoon. It is a super fun cocktail service—Eli and I did it recently and we had so much fun with some old friends and we had a great night. You can find out more and get $20 off your first box by going to shakerandspoon.com/albasalix. And I’ll be back to tell you more about that at the end of the episode, before our special outtake.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown, Round 2!
Episode 2: The Cutting Edge.
INT. BAR—MONDAY MORNING
Stan enters from the street, struggling to carry something big and wooden.
GUBBIN
What the hell are you doing?
STAN
Morning, guys!
BETULA
Hey, Stan.
GUBBIN
Why do you have a giant board?
STAN
It’s a blackboard. See?
BETULA
Stan!
GUBBIN
No!
Too late. Stan turns the board around and knocks over a table. A tankard goes flying.
STAN
Whoops!
GUBBIN
Kid—
STAN
Sorry about that, guys! I’m just gonna install it in the back room.
GUBBIN
Why? What, are we teaching school now? No! Where the hell are you gonna put it?
STAN
Just on the far wall beside the windows.
GUBBIN
And cover the dartboard?
STAN
No, no, no! It’s for our new meeting space-slash-studio, see?
GUBBIN
Oh boy, this sounds like a winner.
BETULA
Wait, the back room already is a meeting space.
STAN
Yeah, but now it’ll have better tables to work at, nice chairs, natural lighting…
BETULA
Natural—
She runs to the back room.
BETULA (CONT’D)
Dammit, Stan!
STAN
What? Isn’t it nicer with those boards down off the windows?
GUBBIN
You took the boards down?!
STAN
Yup!
GUBBIN
Kid…
STAN
What? You said you want me to run the tavern as best as I can.
GUBBIN
Sure. But not by doing stuff. Just clear it with us before you open the windows, or clean up a stain, or throw away a body part, or fix the floorboards—anything! Just clear it with us.
Betula returns.
BETULA
Stan, the whole point of having a back room is that no one can see in.
STAN
Yeah, but there’s no fresh air, and it’s so dreary during the day. Who wants to do work in a stuffy, pitch-black room?
BETULA
Me and my associates do. It’s kind of vital to certain, you know, discussions.
STAN
(conspiratorial)
Oh, hey, right, yeah, discussions. Uh huh. Gotcha.
BETULA
Can we just put the boards back up?
STAN
Hey, how about some big heavy curtains instead?
BETULA
Fine. Why do you need light back there, anyway? Who’s gonna be working there during the day?
STAN
Me and my associates!
GUBBIN
Your what?
STAN
Well, okay, just one associate so far. But we’re growing fast! See, me and my buddy Kalzak are starting a company.
GUBBIN
Kalzak? Kalzak the Disheveled?
STAN
That’s him! Doesn’t like that name, but yes.
BETULA
Who’s Kalzak?
GUBBIN
Remember that guy in the blue robe a couple nights ago? Kinda beat-up looking.
BETULA
Oh yeah, him. Always hides in the corner? Talks to himself a lot?
GUBBIN
That’s Kalzak.
STAN
Oh, he’s not talking to himself. He’s actually talking to his guardian spirit Ephos.
GUBBIN
Oh, so that kind of wizard. A demon-summoner.
BETULA
Well, that’s a relief.
STAN
Well, technically, Ephos isn’t a demon.
GUBBIN
Technically, I haven’t showered in three years.
STAN
That’s true. Anyway, Kal’s an old buddy of mine! He’s coming by this afternoon and we’re gonna talk business.
GUBBIN
Huh. What kind of business?
STAN
Magic services!
GUBBIN
(groans)
STAN
No, it’s the new big thing. You don’t have to know anything about magic, or spells, or summoning—
GUBBIN
Good, ’cause you don’t!
STAN
No, I don’t, but that’s the point! We do all the work, see? The trick is finding a niche. One little specialized service you can do easily, but that people will pay for!
BETULA
Huh. So what’s your “niche”?
STAN
Well, first off we were thinking of remote visiting.
BETULA
Like one of those mirrors that let you talk to somebody else?
STAN
Yeah! Yeah! Like that. But it turns out there’s a group at the University already working on a pocket version of that.
BETULA
So you could talk to other people pretty much any time, anywhere?
STAN
Exactly!
GUBBIN
Ugh. Makes me want to eat my own intestines.
BETULA
No, no, wait. That could be handy, actually.
STAN
Right? But then Kalzak and I came up with the killer idea. It’s gonna make us a million crowns.
GUBBIN
All right, let’s hear this.
STAN
All right. Ready?
GUBBIN
Yeah?
STAN
Food delivery.
Silence.
GUBBIN
That’s it?
STAN
Magical food delivery.
GUBBIN
(scoffs)
We’re not some five-star Mellurian restaurant. Anyway, if they want our food, they can come here their damn selves.
STAN
No, no, this is the genius part. We don’t just deliver our food. We deliver for every restaurant in the city, even your five-star Mellurian place—right to your home! By magic.
BETULA
Wait. Why do you need magic? What’s wrong with hiring some kid to deliver it for a few pennies?
STAN
Eh… I’m not really good at managing kids. They tend to be—
GUBBIN
Smarter than you?
STAN
Yeah. And I keep losing my wallet. But compare that to magic delivery! Arrives immediately, no fuss, no muss, no “oops, I dropped it in a puddle”. Just great food, straight from the kitchen! I’ll be right back.
Stan hurries into the back room.
GUBBIN
I think I smell the apocalypse.
BETULA
Oh come on, Uncle. Just for once, be supportive.
Stan brings out two boxes and sets them on the bar.
STAN
Check this out.
BETULA
What are these?
STAN
These two things are called Jessemer boxes. They’re linked with a displacement charm.
BETULA
They seem kinda small.
GUBBIN
Yeah, who’s our target market here? Rats?
STAN
Gubbin. It’s called a “proof of concept”. The real ones are gonna be bigger than this. But the concept is, we have a box, and the customer has a box. So if I put, let’s say this tankard in one, and… oh, that’s not gonna fit. Okay, let’s use peanuts. Here, these peanuts.
He cracks the shell on a peanut.
STAN
I put one in each box, close the door, push the button and—
A whoosh from inside the box. Stan opens the doors again.
STAN
See? The one with the shell off is over here now.
BETULA
So they swap whatever’s inside them?
STAN
Exactly! They switch contents. So the idea is, our customers just pick from a menu and we get notified of their order!
GUBBIN
Notified how?
STAN
Still working that part out. But when the meal’s ready, we put it in the box, the customer puts money in the box, we hit the button and boom! They get their food, we get paid!
GUBBIN
And what if they don’t put any money in? What if we get an empty box?
STAN
Ah, but see, there has to be something in each box. It’s the law of magical something something!
GUBBIN
They could put rocks in it.
STAN
Yeah, they totally could.
GUBBIN
That could satisfy the law of something something.
STAN
But then they would get reported, and we’d just cancel their subscription.
GUBBIN
And meanwhile we’re out the price of a meal.
STAN
No, no, no, see, we’ll charge a deposit on the box. If you cheat, you don’t get that money back. A ha ha ha!
GUBBIN
Eh, maybe.
STAN
You just don’t trust people, do you, Gub?
GUBBIN
Who got his wallet stolen by a five-year-old?
BETULA
Interesting… So this can transport anything?
STAN
Well… we still have to do a bit of testing.
Music sting.
THE NEXT DAY
Betula shouts from the kitchen.
BETULA
Food’s up!
STAN
Thanks Betula! C’mon, Gubbin. Check this out.
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah. Let’s see.
STAN
Behold! The prototype delivery system for Meals By Magic!
GUBBIN
Okay.
STAN
Aren’t these boxes nice? I got in touch with this cabinet maker who used to do work for my dad—
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah, let’s see it go.
STAN
Okay, okay, sit down. Imagine I am a hungry customer. “Ooh, I am so hungry! I want food! But I need convenience too.” I look through the Meals By Magic menu, and oh boy! What do I find there? Peppered mock pigeon pie and mashed turnip, that sounds great! I want to put that in my belly. So I put the order in—somehow, we’re still working on that part—and… that’s gonna be three crowns, please, sir!
GUBBIN
What? You want me to put in three crowns?
STAN
It’s for the test. Yes. C’mon, Gub. You’ll get them back. The other box is in the kitchen with Betula.
Gubbin mutters as he fishes three coins out of the till.
GUBBIN
Who’s gonna pay three crowns for a pie?
STAN
Remember, it’s not just the pie. You are paying for the convenience. So just put your coins in.
GUBBIN
(grumbles)
All right.
He puts in the coins.
STAN
Close up the box there, yup, just like that. And while you’re doing that, your meal is already being prepared by the Axe and Crown’s expert chefs.
GUBBIN
Yeah? Guess we’ll need some of those.
STAN
(shouts)
Betula, are you all ready in there?
BETULA
(from the kitchen)
One mock pigeon pie, ready to go.
STAN
(to Betula)
Okay! You may press the button when ready!
BETULA
Here we go!
A whoosh of magical energy and a ding! Stan opens his cabinet.
STAN
Bingo! The first ever delivery from Meals By Magic!
GUBBIN
(impressed)
All right! Maybe you’re on to something here, Stanny.
Betula emerges from the kitchen.
BETULA
Did it work?
STAN
You bet it did! Look at that. Piping hot, straight from the oven.
BETULA
Not bad!
STAN
Eh? Eh?
Gubbin is poking at the pie.
GUBBIN
Piping hot, huh?
STAN
Yeah! It’s—wait. How come it’s cold?
BETULA
It’s cold?
GUBBIN
Cold? It’s frozen.
He bonks the pie against the plate.
BETULA
What? I just took that out of the oven.
STAN
Weird. Well, I’m sure we can sort that out. I’ll ask Kal about it. The important thing is, the customer has their meal, and we get paid!
They all head to the kitchen, where Stan opens the other cabinet. Flames crackle.
STAN
Ta-da!
BETULA
Whoa! Fire!
STAN
Hey! No!
GUBBIN
(coughing)
Close that up! Get some water!
STAN
Why are the coins red-hot?
GUBBIN
You melted my money! Stan, I’m gonna kill—
BETULA
Hey! Not now! Give me the bucket! Move that bucket over here.
GUBBIN
Quick, quick, quick!
Stan shoves a wooden bucket over to Betula, who douses the burning cabinet. Steam hisses.
GUBBIN
Man, it smells like feet!
STAN
Is everybody okay?
GUBBIN
Ah, god, that reeks.
STAN
(coughing)
Darn it. That was a really nice cabinet.
GUBBIN
Look, Stan, this is exciting progress and all, but maybe you can work on your new prototype somewhere else than my tavern! Doesn’t your buddy Kalzak have his own damn workshop?
STAN
He did, yeah. Um, it burned down.
BETULA
Shoulda seen that one coming.
STAN
But look, isn’t this amazing? If he hadn’t accidentally burned down his workshop, he wouldn’t have had to rent a room here, and we never would have met and started this cutting-edge new business!
GUBBIN
Yeah, we’re all blessed.
STAN
It’s gonna work, Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Nah, I get it. Engineering something is complicated, it’s gonna be messy. Just don’t burn down my building, okay?
STAN
Okay.
GUBBIN
And you owe me three crowns.
Music sting.
THE NEXT DAY
Stan enters from the kitchen.
STAN
Okay, Kal’s figured it out!
GUBBIN
Oh yeah? Did he get your magic boxes working?
STAN
Well, see, here’s the thing. A pie on a plate is a lot bigger and heavier than a couple of coins.
GUBBIN
You’re right, the man’s a genius.
STAN
I know, right? So when you displace that excess matter, it all gets turned into heat. Or cold. Or something. It’s the law of magical conversation… conversion… it’s a law. It’s a magical law. So… something like that.
GUBBIN
So we make really tiny pies.
STAN
No, c’mon, I’m being serious here.
Wait, now I want tiny pies.
Music sting.
THE NEXT DAY
Betula walks into the back room.
BETULA
Hey Stan, can you please make sure you and Kal clean up in here? I got some people coming by tonight.
STAN
Oh, sure, sure. Hey Betula! That counterweight idea worked. It’s reduced the fire risk by 45 percent!
BETULA
That’s good news.
STAN
I know. Although for some reason you can’t send grapes? It’s super weird.
BETULA
Is that what happened here?
STAN
Huh? Oh no, no, this was us testing out long-distance delivery. Um, it seems the further apart the boxes are, the more the cargo gets… scrambled.
BETULA
Eh. Still edible, though.
STAN
Not really. The stew’s all mixed together with little chunks of bowl—
She’s already eating some.
BETULA
(crunching)
That’s pretty good, actually.
STAN
Oh. Well. You do you.
BETULA
Mmm.
Music sting.
DAYS LATER
Stan is pacing the room.
STAN
All right! Who’s gonna be famous? Who’s gonna turn the restaurant business upside down? Us, that’s who!
BETULA
The brochures do look pretty good.
STAN
Yeah, aren’t they great? Oh man, I can’t believe this is happening.
GUBBIN
(reads)
“Meals by Magic. Grab some of Grandville’s greatest grub, without leaving your home.” Too bad we’re bringing them here for a demo.
BETULA
Hey, I worked hard on these pies.
GUBBIN
Yeah, well, let’s see if they impress all those fancy restaurant and hotel people.
STAN
People are gonna love ’em. Man, I wish Kal could be here.
BETULA
Well…
STAN
I mean, yeah, apart from his shyness.
GUBBIN
Also his tendency to yak away non-stop to his demon friend.
STAN
His guardian spirit.
GUBBIN
His invisible demonic guardian spirit.
STAN
Yes. It’s… sort of like what it is.
GUBBIN
It’s exactly like what it is.
STAN
Anyway, it was a good idea to have him stay in his room and let me do the pitching.
BETULA
Yeah. So… where is everybody?
GUBBIN
Did you get the time wrong on the brochure again?
STAN
(he double-checks)
No, it’s right, eleven AM. Maybe they’re just late, I dunno.
BETULA
All of them?
STAN
Oh geez.
Wait. What the heck?
He paces to the front door and opens it. There’s a noisy but mostly polite crowd outside.
STAN
Hey everybody! The demo’s happening over here! Hello? Hello?
No one answers.
BETULA
What’s going on across the street?
STAN
(completely crestfallen)
Oh no…
GUBBIN
Something going on at the Badger and Bucket?
BETULA
There’s banners up everywhere. “Announcing a new breakthrough in food delivery: Mudlark Meals To Go.”
STAN
They stole our idea! The Badger and Bucket are starting their own delivery business.
GUBBIN
They’re doing what?!
(he hurries to look out the door too)
Those bastards!
BETULA
“Featuring fare from Farloria’s finest food-makers.” Wow, those are some big names. Chateau Lumiera, The Royal Stork… all the Bucket Pubs, of course.
Stan closes the door.
STAN
They stole our idea and beat us to market.
GUBBIN
Do they have our little cabinets and everything?
STAN
They must have been spying on us all this time.
BETULA
This is why we don’t have windows in the back room.
GUBBIN
Or maybe they gave your friend the “wizard” a better offer.
BETULA
No, no, you guys. Look—there’s their big secret.
STAN
Where? What?
GUBBIN
Ahhh. So they just hired a whole bunch of street urchins to deliver food for them.
STAN
They stole your idea, Betula.
BETULA
Well, not really my idea. I mean, it’s basically like, I dunno, you lean out a window, you yell for some kid to bring you the biggest turkey from the shop around the corner. Except without the leaning out your window part.
GUBBIN
Yeah. They must have some kind of dispatch system.
STAN
Aw, man, what are we going to do now?
GUBBIN
I tell you what we’re gonna do now. We are gonna keep working on the Meals by Magic thing.
STAN
You think we still have a shot?
GUBBIN
Sure! Where’s your competitive spirit? You gotta want to win this.
BETULA
It’s true! Think of all the reasons you went with magical delivery.
STAN
Yeah! Our cabinets can get you the food in seconds.
GUBBIN
And no one’s stealing the middle out of your sandwich along the way.
BETULA
Not to mention, there’s plenty of other uses for your magic boxes.
STAN
Really? Are there?
GUBBIN
Well, gee, yeah. Getting cargo instantly from point A to point B, let me think.
STAN
So maybe the post office! Or stores.
BETULA
Yes. Those places. Or I know some folks in the, uh, “shipping” business who’d love to get their hands on some of these boxes.
STAN
Really?
GUBBIN
Yeah, like maybe you’re in harbour and they want to get something past customs inspection a little quicker?
BETULA
That kind of thing.
STAN
Smuggling! That’s brilliant! Woo hoo!
BETULA
Okay, not so loud.
GUBBIN
I bet Betula’s friends would pay good money, even for a prototype.
STAN
Yes, yes! They can be our initial investors. Let me talk to Kal.
BETULA
Maybe don’t use the word “smuggling”.
STAN
Oh, oh! Brain exploding. What if you disguised one of these as a hotel safe?
GUBBIN
Ohh. Interesting!
BETULA
Guys.
GUBBIN
But you’re only gonna get to pull that trick once. Someone’s gonna notice their stuff missing.
BETULA
Okay, settle down. Fellas.
STAN
Sorry, sorry, legitimate tavern owner here. I know nothing of any criminal activities in this neighbourhood.
BETULA
Thanks.
STAN
Do you know any good counterfeiters?
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written by Eli McIlveen. Directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen. Produced by Sean Howard.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. You can get early access to episodes, plus all-new bonus stories and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at AlbaSalix.com.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
SEAN
Hey everyone. Sean here, and before we get to the super fun outtake, I just want to tell you a little bit more about Shaker & Spoon.
Shaker & Spoon sends boxes to you. So it’s a subscription cocktail service, and it helps you basically make handcrafted drinks made by some of the best mixologists. It has everything in the box except the bottle of alcohol that you need to buy for that month’s box. And you can also pick which box you’re going to get. It’s just super fun, and I can’t tell you how much laughter we had, trying drinks—and they were good drinks. And the boxes are about $40 to $50 a month depending what you pick. But you can get $20 off your first box by going to shakerandspoon.com/albasalix.
And again, quick reminder, we’re running that special offer for the next 30 days. If you go to patreon.com/albasalix or go to albasalix.com and click on the Patreon button, you can learn more, but for a limited time, you’re going to get access to these special stickers. And if we get enough people, we’re going to get two stickers and a coaster out to everyone.
And as always, we want to thank all of you for listening and staying with us. And a super giant thank you to our supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona.
OUTTAKE: TARGET MARKET
BETULA (MARISA KING)
They seem kind of small.
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Yeah, who’s our target marget here?
(stops and breaks character)
Our target Margaret.
ART CARLSON
(laughs)
HUGO JONES
I remember Margaret.
MARISA KING
It is Margaret! She’s our target.
ART CARLSON
Margaret Smith.
HUGO JONES
Margaret. I loved her.
OUTTAKE: WOO HOO
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
(dryly, without feeling)
Woo hoo.
Laughter.
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Woo hoo. Ooo, I did it.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
Woo hoo!
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Let me try that again.
Woo hoo.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
Woo hoo!
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Stan, is that how you do it?
STAN (ART CARLSON)
Woo hoo!
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Woo hoo.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
You’re so close.
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Okay, maybe I just have to twist my thigh or something.
(a little higher-pitched)
Woo hoo.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
You’re really—you’re nailing the “woo”. I’ve never heard anybody get the “woo” so accurately before. It’s the “hoo” where we run into trouble.
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
It’s making my nipples erect.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
Woo hoo!
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Oh yeah, now I get it! Woo hoo!
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.