Gubbin and his loyal regulars make their last stand.
Episode Transcript
INTRODUCTION (ELI)
Oh yes, oh yes, it’s time. Welcome to The Axe & Crown. I’m Eli, creator of Alba Salix, Royal Physician.
If you subscribed a while back, you might be wondering, what is this new show that’s in my Alba Salix podcast feed? Well, this is a new spinoff set in the same world as Alba—actually, just across the river in a slightly more run-down part of town. We’re calling this a mini-series, so it’s six episodes, each about ten, fifteen minutes, rolling out every week from now until early May.
While that’s going on, we’re also working hard on Season Two of Alba, and that, Dear Listener, is why we are asking for your help. As I speak, we’ve just launched an Indiegogo campaign to bring you another season of adventures in fairy-tale medicine with Alba and Magnus and Holly and the gang. The money goes to paying and feeding our actors, plus studio time, production tools, that sort of thing. It’s a lot of work making this show, so please do consider donating a shilling or two and helping spread the word. You can read all about the campaign, watch the video, and see the perks at albasalix.com/season2—link in the show notes.
In the meantime, pull up a bar stool, and enjoy Episode One of The Axe & Crown.
INT. BAR, NIGHT
A small, hushed crowd of regulars listens to Gubbin deliver a solemn inspirational speech. It soon becomes plain that he is completely sauced, as is his audience.
GUBBIN
Men… Ladies… strange thing in the corner.
MUSIC: STIRRING WAR-MOVIE SPEECHIFYING STUFF.
GUBBIN
Tomorrow, we go into battle, side by side, as brothers and sisters. Humans and trolls alike. Some might say we’re just a bunch of sorry-ass losers defending one humble little shack by the river, but it’s more than that. This tavern is home.
ZANE
Yeah!
GUBBIN
Tomorrow morning, they’re gonna be at the front door with their swords and their halberds and truncheons. But I’ll tell you this: They can bring the City Guard with them; they can bring every last stinking lawyer from here to hell—they will never, never take the Axe and Crown!
A sustained roar of approval from the crowd. “Gubbin! Gubbin! Gubbin!”
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
And I just want to say—no, no, shut up, you guys. I just want to say… what was I gonna say?
ZANE
Have another drink, Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Nah, that wasn’t it. But it’s a damn good idea.
Gubbin fills a tankard from a tap as he continues.
ROSINA
Yeah, I’ll have one too!
GUBBIN
Now I remember. I wanted to thank all of you for sticking by me in these difficult times. Serving all of you has been a salve for my wounded heart.
Everybody goes “Aww…”
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
When I started coming here, way back when it was Old Noreena’s place… I was not at my best. And Noreena, she offered me… what’s that thing? That warm, fuzzy kinda emotiony thing—kindness. It’s not something us trolls are too good at accepting. But she wouldn’t say no.
At first it was a place to stay and a bite to eat. Somewhere to have a pint or two with my buddies from the reg. A while later, it was a job pouring the drinks.
ROSINA
Speaking of drinks—
GUBBIN
And since she died, great Yulipaa rest her soul, I’ve done my best to carry on her good work, providing rest for the wicked—
The regulars laugh. “Try again, Gubbin!” “Other way around!”
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
…the weary… rest for the weariked… Rest for the wicked and beer for the… thirsty.
ROSINA
I’m thirsty!
GUBBIN
Nah, you’re one of the wicked. No beer for you.
Laughter.
ROSINA
I’m both! Gimme a drink.
Gubbin relents and fills a tankard for her.
GUBBIN
All right, all right. You’re all friends. And friends stand together. Unlike certain unfaithful, two-timing kitchen staff who shall remain nameless.
Boos from the crowd.
ZANE
Forget him, Gubbin!
ROSINA
Cheating bastard!
GUBBIN
But us… We stand together! Our enemies would tear down this lovely, homely tavern to build their shiny new block of flats and offices for all the better, finer people of this city. All thanks to our landlord.
ROSINA
Kill all the landlords!
The crowd roars.
GUBBIN
Carlton Gerrard Esquire, that eminent profiteering devil-humper—sorry, that’s “property developer”. Heh heh. So ladies, gents, thing in the corner, join me in raising one final toast to Mister Carlton Gerrard, may he die of the purple cramps and his teeth be used to scrape poop off the floor of a barn.
They all cheer. Tankards clink. Gubbin drains half his beer.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Ahh. And with that profound senter—that profound sentiment—I bid you… a fond goodnight.
He falls over and his tankard goes rolling. The crowd cheers louder.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode One: Last Call.
INT. BAR, MORNING
Snoring from several people, including Gubbin. There’s a knock at the heavy wooden door.
GUBBIN
(half asleep)
Who’s walkin’ over my bridge…
The knocking comes louder.
STAN
(from outside)
Hello? Anybody home?
Another knock.
GUBBIN
(suddenly alert, hisses)
What’s that?
ZANE
There’s a guy outside with some papers. That him?
GUBBIN
Yeah. It’s him. They’re here. Everybody! On your feet!
The regulars rise. Hungover groans.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
C’mon. Swords out!
ROSINA
Too bad we don’t have any boiling oil.
GUBBIN
Yeah, well.
ROSINA
I tell ya, Gubbin, if you’d just let us in the kitchen—
GUBBIN
Nobody goes in the kitchen.
ROSINA
I know, I know. Just saying.
ZANE
It’s true, though. Woulda been nice to have a hot meal here and there while we’re on lockdown.
GUBBIN
Will you guys shut it?
Stan taps at the window.
STAN
Anybody there? Your front door seems to be stuck.
Gubbin opens the window.
GUBBIN
Carlton Gerrard.
STAN
Hey, good morning! Are you Mister, uh, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Carlton Gerrard, prepare to meet thy doom.
STAN
No, no, no! I’m not Carlton Gerrard. I’m his son.
GUBBIN
Aha!
STAN
My name’s Stan. Stanway Gerrard. Nice to meet you.
(beat)
Can I come in?
GUBBIN
Nice try. Tell all your men to stand down.
STAN
Sorry… my men?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Where are they hiding?
STAN
I don’t have any men.
GUBBIN
Yeah! That’s weird. Where is everybody?
ROSINA
(whispering)
They gotta be hidden somewhere.
STAN
So, uh… what do you say?
GUBBIN
No. You run along home and tell your daddy he can go find some other place to knock down.
STAN
Yeah, you know, that’s very funny.
GUBBIN
Tell him the Axe and Crown is staying right where it is!
The regulars cheer, then quickly realize how hungover they are and trail off in a chorus of “Ow!” and “Shhh!”
STAN
My father is dead.
GUBBIN
He’s what?
STAN
He died. A week ago.
Whispers: “What did he say?” “Who’s dead?”
GUBBIN
Says who?
STAN
It was in all the papers… How did you not hear about it?
GUBBIN
We’re on lockdown. Nobody gets in or out.
STAN
Oh. Is that why all these newspapers are piled up on your doorstep?
He bends over and looks through the pile.
GUBBIN
Don’t try anything funny.
STAN
Look. It’s right here.
GUBBIN
(squinting, reads)
“Building Boom: Real Estate Magnate… Explodes”?
STAN
Yeah. Some kind of magical accident, apparently. He bought some bogus crystal and tried to cast a spell with it.
GUBBIN
“Royal Doc Chalks Up Pox To Magic Rocks.” Huh. Well. That’s too bad.
STAN
I know he wasn’t the most popular person around here…
GUBBIN
Nah, we’re big fans.
STAN
Anyway, long story short, I kinda own your building now!
GUBBIN
Is that so.
STAN
So, do you want to maybe let me in, and we can talk about our plans for this place?
GUBBIN
What is he up to?
ROSINA
It’s gotta be some kind of trick. Street looks clear, though. I don’t see anyone on the rooftops.
GUBBIN
(calls)
Anyone out back?
ZANE
Negative.
GUBBIN
Hmm.
STAN
Hello?
GUBBIN
All right. Let’s open ‘er up.
They shove the furniture aside, then unbolt and open the front door. Stan strolls in.
STAN
Hey everybody! Geez, pretty big crowd for nine in the morning.
The door slams shut behind him.
GUBBIN
Stan, right?
STAN
That’s me.
GUBBIN
Stan, I’d like you to meet my loyal patrons and tenants. Everybody, this is the Axe and Crown’s new landlord, Stan.
Blades are drawn. Sinister chuckles.
STAN
Hi there!
ROSINA
Kill all the landlords!
The rest give a lusty shout, followed by more shushing and groaning.
GUBBIN
So let’s hear all about these plans of yours.
STAN
Well. As you probably know, my father’s plan was to evict everyone and knock down the building.
Hisses and boos.
STAN (CONT’D)
But! But I’m not going to do that.
GUBBIN
Oh no?
Stan unfurls a set of blueprints.
STAN
Yeah, look! I had my guy do up new plans. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the Prospect Hotel!
This does not get the expected rousing cheer.
GUBBIN
What the hell is this?
STAN
See, we keep the original building and extend it. Three more storeys on top, with a swimming pool, one of those cool terraces right here…
GUBBIN
And you think this is gonna stay standing.
STAN
How do you mean?
GUBBIN
That much weight on the foundation? It’s gonna be another Leaning Tavern of Paramecia.
STAN
Another what?
GUBBIN
Some duke decided he was gonna build the biggest, most amazing hotel in the world. Eight storeys, terraces everywhere, cute little mini palm trees on the roof. Won all kinds of architecture awards before it was even built. But he put it right on the riverbank, on crappy soil.
STAN
And it started leaning?
GUBBIN
Yup, then it leaned some more. And then, opening night, it tilted right over and fell in the river.
STAN
Oh.
GUBBIN
Which is exactly what you’ll get if you build this.
STAN
Couldn’t we just shore it up? With shoring? Or, like, you know… buttresses?
GUBBIN
Who did these plans?
STAN
Buddy of mine. He’s really good. Studying to be an architect.
GUBBIN
Oh, of course. Frickin’ architects. No, you can’t “just shore it up”.
STAN
Could we maybe lose some of the additional stories?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Try all of them.
STAN
Really? Well… I guess we can keep the luxury suites on the existing floors.
GUBBIN
And where would my tenants go?
STAN
They would, uh, find temporary lodgings somewhere else and then move back in.
GUBBIN
Same rent as before?
STAN
Well, you know, it might go up somewhat.
The crowd is restless. “Somewhat!”
GUBBIN
Why here? Why don’t you build your fancy hotel downtown, where people can afford it?
STAN
Look, downtown Grandville’s getting expensive these days. People are starting to look at places further out. Like Mud Street here! What a great street!
GUBBIN
Uh huh? So why don’t you tell me what’s so great about Mud Street?
STAN
It’s honest. Down to earth. You know. It’s a place for all the little people.
GUBBIN
Little people. So what are we, pixies now?
STAN
No, no, I don’t mean you’re actually little. Heh, certainly not you, you big ol’ troll, you.
GUBBIN
So just small in the metaphorical sense. Petty, unimportant.
STAN
Uh…
GUBBIN
Never mind. You were talking about Mud Street.
STAN
Mud Street! Is a street that’s muddy, because it’s by the river… and it’s of the river… Heh, when it rains I bet it pretty much is the river
(laughs nervously)
This falls flat too.
GUBBIN
Uh huh.
STAN
And like a river, it bends and flows, and it’s full of life, like the way a river is alive with fish and crawdads and bugs…
GUBBIN
Ah, I get it. So we’re not just little, we’re actually bugs.
STAN
Yeah. No! That’s not what I—
Rosina and the others start to pull out knives and swords.
ROSINA
You want me to cut him down the middle, boss?
STAN
Whoa! Hey! No cutting! No cutting! Look, you guys… this place is what it is because of you! Good, hard-workin’ honest townsfolk. Folks with heart, and soul, and… big pointy knives.
GUBBIN
Okay, let me ask you again. Isn’t there some other neighbourhood you can think of to inflict your hotel on? Somewhere with solid ground? Somewhere that’s not here?
STAN
I would, but, well… this is the only property I got.
GUBBIN
Give me a break. Your daddy owned half the buildings downtown.
STAN
Those went to other members of the family.
GUBBIN
Ahhh. I get it. Poor little Stan, not exactly the favourite son, huh?
The crowd joins him in a sarcastic “Awww.”
STAN
Hey now. That’s not fair.
GUBBIN
Well, Stan, let me introduce you to some of my good, hard-working, honest regulars. This is Zane. He spent seven years in prison for robbery and assault.
ZANE
How ya doin’.
STAN
Fine?
Everyone leans in. A soft but growing murmur of sadistic chuckles.
GUBBIN
Doctor Hankenberg there, he’s what you might call a poison specialist. And I don’t mean antidotes. Rosina, well, they got her for conspiracy to murder. Woulda hanged her but she escaped. After she slit her executioner’s throat.
STAN
Oh! Well. Wow. Still! That doesn’t mean you’re not all good people, you know, like, deep down…
GUBBIN
Eh. I bet the town guard would beg to differ.
STAN
Is everybody here a criminal or a murderer?
A tense silence—then Gubbin and everyone else bursts into mocking laughter.
GUBBIN
Naw. I’m just messin’ with you, kid.
STAN
What! Really? Aw, you guys! You had me going there.
GUBBIN
Rosina’s a baker. Hank works down at the docks. Zane’s got a little flower stall. He sells pansies
(laughs)
STAN
That’s nice!
GUBBIN
(suddenly close)
But I wouldn’t get them mad, if I was you.
STAN
No, sir.
GUBBIN
Some of them live here, some of them just come by for a pint and a bit of company. I just wanted you to see their faces. Realize these are real people you’re kicking out.
STAN
I’m not kicking anybody out!
A few skeptical snorts.
GUBBIN
You think these folks can afford your rent hike?
A moment passes.
STAN
No, I’m not hiking the rent either.
You’re right, I was never my parents’ favourite. I was no good at business, I was no good at selling things, or bargaining. That’s why they left everything to my sister.
So you guys… you should count yourselves lucky. You’re standing up for each other. You’re more of a family to each other than I had growing up.
I think you are good people. With a hilarious sense of humour! I can’t just go and kick you guys out.
So… the heck with these plans! The redevelopment is hereby cancelled.
Stan tears the blueprints in half. Gasps. The crowd is finally warming to him.
GUBBIN
We got your word on that?
STAN
Absolutely. The Prospect Hotel is dead. Long live the Axe and Crown!
A cheer goes up. This time, no one groans.
GUBBIN
All right. Good man.
STAN
Yeah! Put ‘er there.
They shake hands.
STAN (CONT’D)
Oooh. Ow. That’s a firm handshake.
GUBBIN
These people are trusting in you, pal. You go back on your word and all these good, honest townsfolk will tear your face off.
STAN
You really mean it?
GUBBIN
Course I mean it.
STAN
Woo hoo! We’re pals now!
GUBBIN
Wha? No, I meant—
STAN
This is gonna be amazing. I always wanted to run a bar!
GUBBIN
Now wait a second. I run the bar.
STAN
Best inheritance ever! Look at this place! Think of the possibilities
(backtracking)
…for small and tasteful changes! Eh, pal?
GUBBIN
Crap on a stick.
STAN
What do you say, folks? First round’s on me!
The patrons cheer.
MUSIC: CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER (ELI)
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.