Gubbin and Betula are set to compete in this year’s Grandville Pub League Siege Bowling Championship — but the new team from the Badger & Bucket have some tricks up their sleeve too.
With special guest Sean Howard.
Episode Transcript
INTRO (ELI)
Hey gang. Eli here with Episode 11 of The Axe & Crown. Yep, we’re almost to the end of this run, but we’ve got more stories planned out. In fact, one of the target levels we’ve set for our Patreon page is making more Axe & Crown. If you’ve been enjoying the adventures of Gubbin, Betula and Stan, look us up at patreon.com/albasalix. You can help us make more episodes and hear them first! That’s patreon.com/albasalix. And now, on with the show.
MUSIC—OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Eleven: Bowled Over.
INT. BAR—AFTERNOON
Gubbin is stacking bricks at one end of the room. Betula enters from the street.
BETULA
Hey, Uncle. What’s with all the bricks? Did Stan finally talk you into putting up a fifth storey?
GUBBIN
It’s for siege bowling. Didn’t you see the posters?
BETULA
Oh yeah, something about a tournament?
GUBBIN
Hundred-crown prize.
BETULA
Never heard of siege bowling.
GUBBIN
It’s a big pub sport here in town. Back in the army my buddies and me used to play it on our off hours.
BETULA
It’s bowling? Like, with a ball?
GUBBIN
Yeah… So. Listen. You used to play smashball, right?
BETULA
Oh yeah. Left striker.
GUBBIN
You any good?
BETULA
We were three-time All-Trølsund champions.
GUBBIN
Hmm.
BETULA
Any particular reason you ask?
GUBBIN
Well… we’re down a guy from last year, so it’s just Hank and me. We need a third bowler.
BETULA
What’s in it for me?
GUBBIN
Glory, achievement…
BETULA
A share of the prize money?
GUBBIN
Commensurate with experience.
BETULA
Pfff. Equal share or I’m out.
GUBBIN
We’ll see.
BETULA
How’s the game work?
GUBBIN
It’s head to head. Each team builds a wall out of bricks. That’s your castle.
BETULA
And then the other team has to knock it down?
Gubbin goes back to setting up bricks and pegs as he talks.
GUBBIN
Little more complicated. Basic idea is, your king is being held prisoner in the other team’s castle. Each bowler gets one throw, and between you, trying to knock down these five pegs. Those are the guards. Your opponents set those up, along with the wall, plus this coin here…
He sets down a big coin.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
That’s your king. You knock that down, you score zero for that castle.
BETULA
Got it. Sounds pretty straightforward so far.
GUBBIN
That’s the basics. You throw from the line back here. So with this layout I’d go for the two guards on the left—
Betula has already thrown. The ball rumbles across the floor and smashes into the bricks.
BETULA
You were saying?
GUBBIN
Well. Okay. First time lucky.
BETULA
So… equal shares.
GUBBIN
Hang on. We’ve only covered the official rules.
BETULA
There are unofficial rules?
GUBBIN
Yeah. One: cheat like hell. Two: don’t get caught.
BETULA
Okay, now this is sounding like your kind of game.
Stan enters from the street.
STAN
Hey guys! Are you joining the siege bowling team, Betula?
BETULA
Thinking about it.
STAN
Oh, you gotta be on it! You’ll be awesome.
BETULA
Are you playing too?
STAN
Gubbin says I’m banned from the team for life.
GUBBIN
Damn straight.
BETULA
That have anything to do with the hole in the wall by the stairs?
STAN
It may perhaps.
GUBBIN
There’s also the matter of Stan being terrible at lying.
STAN
Yeah, either that—or the best liar ever.
GUBBIN
Oho. So who told the building inspector about our basement tunnel?
STAN
Well, he couldn’t figure out where the smell was coming from and he just looked so bothered about it.
GUBBIN
And where were you just now, Stan?
STAN
I was… not across the street.
GUBBIN
So, not at the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
Yes. I was so not at the Badger and Bucket.
BETULA
I believe you.
STAN
See, Betula believes me.
GUBBIN
Once again, across the street and in bed with the enemy.
STAN
In bed! Whatever! I was there to gain intelligence. Is that so hard to believe?
GUBBIN
Well, I doubt you could lose any.
STAN
Hey, which reminds me… They’re fielding a team in the tournament.
GUBBIN
They’re what?
STAN
The siege bowling. They’re gonna compete!
GUBBIN
The Badger and Bucket are?
STAN
Yeah. I told them they’re gonna be toast! I bet Dorothea a hundred crowns we would win.
GUBBIN
Whoa. You got a hundred crowns just lying around?
STAN
I mean, not exactly… But we are gonna win, right?
GUBBIN
Sure. Well. This ought to be interesting.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR—NIGHT
A raucous crowd awaits the next game.
STAN
Is everybody having fun?
The crowd cheers.
STAN (CONT’D)
I can’t hear you. I said, is everybody having fun?!
The crowd cheers louder.
STAN (CONT’D)
It’s time for Game Two of the quarter-final round, my friends. From the Tower District, put your hands together for last year’s fifth-place team from Ye Olde Pointed Hat!
Applause.
STAN (CONT’D)
Bowling first, it’s Vanevender Piffling! Bowling second: Maisie Wulfenschnaut. Am I saying that right? Okay, cool. Bowling third: Tempesma Chang!
BETULA
Are they actual wizards?
GUBBIN
Yeah. They got no chance. Wizards are crap at siege bowling.
BETULA
You’d figure they’d be great at cheating.
GUBBIN
You can always tell. They’re worse liars than Stan and they can’t hold their beer.
STAN
And squaring off against them, a brand new team on the scene—nice place but you wouldn’t want to drink there… it’s the Badger and Bucket! BOOOO.
Mingled boos and applause.
GUBBIN
All right. Let’s see what kind of team these clowns can field.
STAN
Bowling first, from Fair-Upon-Middling in Mediocria, it’s Zenda Bland! Oh yeah, actually, she tends bar! She’s really nice.
Bowling second, hometown boy Spike Macduff!
And bowling third, team captain and former bowler for the Axe and Crown…?
He trails off. A hush falls. Astonished gasps.
GUBBIN
Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me.
STAN
Johann… Yeoman?
GUBBIN
Son of a…!
BETULA
Uncle… is that your Johann?
GUBBIN
He’s not “my” anything. Those bastards.
STAN
Now, hang on. Judges? Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t this man be disqualified? For… cheating?
GUBBIN
Okay, Stan.
STAN
As in, cheating on another player in this tournament.
GUBBIN
Stan.
STAN
Specifically, cheating on his former teammate for the Axe and Crown, Gubbin.
GUBBIN
You made your point.
An awkward silence.
JOHANN
I’m just here to play, guys.
STAN
Okay. Uh… great! So. Let’s get this game underway. Team captains, to the bar for the toss, please.
(whispers)
Guys! They stole our chef! And Gubbin’s ex!
GUBBIN
I noticed.
The teams flip a coin.
STAN
And it is The Badger and Bucket to bowl first. Pointed Hat, please proceed to your battlefield and assemble your wall!
BETULA
How much does Johann know about our… setup?
GUBBIN
He knows the bendy floorboard, and the wind vent. And he’s the one who invented the “hollow brick full of sand” trick.
BETULA
Well, maybe you can spot some of his tricks, at least.
GUBBIN
If it comes to that. Let’s hope the wizards can take ’em down before they get into the final.
MUSIC STING
A ball takes out several more bricks. A peg tumbles to the floor. The crowd is not pleased.
STAN
And down goes the third guard! The Badger and Bucket are the winners, with seventy-six points to forty.
GUBBIN
Frickin’ wizards!
MUSIC STING
The crowd chants “Axe and Crown! Axe and Crown!” Gubbin throws and bricks and pegs tumble. The crowd cheers.
GUBBIN
Yes!
STAN
That’s the last two guards down. Oh, what a beautiful shot! That brings it to sixty-five points for the Axe and Crown, who advance to the semi-finals versus the Parson’s Trousers—
BOWLER
Wait! Wait. Time out! I saw some kinda string attached to the guard on the left, there!
Disgruntled noises.
GUBBIN
A string? Why would you attach a string to your own wall?
BOWLER
We didn’t! It was you guys! You… cheating people.
GUBBIN
We were right over here. Did we move? Did any of you see us move past the line? No.
MUSIC STING
The ball connects, knocking down bricks, pegs and coin. Groans.
STAN
Augh! Down goes the crown. Zero points. A heartbreaker for the Hippopotamus and Castle. Don’t feel bad, guys. I have no idea how, but the Badger and Bucket were totally cheating, I know it.
MUSIC STING
The audience are hopping mad.
BETULA
You heard the judges. They didn’t see any glue on the bricks. It was just a fluke, plain and simple.
STAN
The judges are shrugging. They’ve reached a decision and… yes! The Axe and Crown take it, to advance to the finals! Yeah!
Cheering.
MUSIC STING
The crowd is hushed.
STAN
It all comes down to this one, ladies and gentlemen. The final game of this year’s Grandville Pub League Siege Bowling Championship pits our upstart challengers, the Badger and Bucket, against reigning champions for four years running—The Axe and Crown!
Cheers.
STAN (CONT’D)
Team captains, please come to the bar for the toss. Gubbin, would you be so kind?
JOHANN
It’s good to see you, Gubbin.
The coin flies across the room. Laughter.
GUBBIN
Dammit.
STAN
Uh… let’s try that again.
JOHANN
Take your time.
GUBBIN
Jackass.
He flips the coin again, and catches it this time.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Call it.
JOHANN
(suggestively)
Hmm… Tails.
A long pause.
STAN
Gubbin?
GUBBIN
(snapping out of his reverie)
Uh… right. Heads.
STAN
So it’s the Axe and Crown to bowl first. Badger and Bucket, to the battlefield please! Stack ’em up! Stack ’em up, like groceries. Yeah! See what I did there?
MUSIC STING
Betula throws. Bricks smash, and a coin rolls across the floor. Great consternation among the audience.
BETULA
Dammit!
STAN
Oh no! The king is down on the first throw. That’s zero points for this round.
GUBBIN
Come on! The middle brick went down before the ball even hit. You all saw it!
MUSIC STING
STAN
All right. No score yet. The Axe and Crown are ready with their first castle. Let’s see if Johann’s team can deliver.
The Badger and Bucket make their first throw. Bricks and pegs fly. The crowd groans and Gubbin sputters incoherently.
MUSIC STING
The spectators are tense.
STAN
Thirty-eight to thirty-five going into the last round! I don’t remember ever seeing a game this intense. And by the way, there totally were magnets in that top row last round.
Arguments break out in the crowd.
GUBBIN
Okay, bring it in. This last one looks like a Blaflarney Castle formation. Aim for the second row, one in from the left.
BETULA
You sure? Not the one beside?
GUBBIN
No. That reddish one right above it, that’s not one of our bricks.
BETULA
How do you know?
GUBBIN
I’ve memorized every brick in the pile, okay? It’s gotta be one of Johann’s.
BETULA
Okay. Second row, second from the left.
The Axe and Crown’s fans are chanting “Go Betula go! Go go go!” She winds up and throws. Bricks tumble, and a peg clinks to the floor. The crowd cheers.
STAN
Guard number three is down! But that still leaves a nasty split. This could be tricky… Let’s see if Gubbin can take out those last two, and yes, by the way, he totally can.
GUBBIN
All right, Bucket-heads.
JOHANN
No pressure, Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Can it.
Gubbin winds up. There’s a clunk and a splatter of beer from Johann’s side of the room.
JOHANN
Oops! I seem to have dropped my tankard. How clumsy of me. Let me just get that.
He bends over, to whistles and catcalls.
GUBBIN
Nice try, Johann.
STAN
Oh, now look, that’s just playing dirty. Gubbin, don’t look. Don’t look, Gubbin. Yeah, we’re all onto you, Johann. You and all your sexy moves.
JOHANN
And oh dear, the beer spilled all over my shirt.
GUBBIN
(agitated)
All right, all right, all right. Time out. Time out!
JOHANN
I’ll just take that off.
STAN
The judges are signalling—oh no, that’s right, the Axe and Crown have used up their timeouts. Oh geez.
JOHANN
You like?
STAN
The clock is ticking… and… Johann has clearly been working out. Wow.
GUBBIN
Put your damn shirt back on.
STAN
Yeah, give it up, Johann. Shake those hips all you want.
The crowd claps in rhythm as Gubbin tries to get back on track.
JOHANN
There’s more where that came from… if you make this shot.
GUBBIN
(groans)
STAN
Five seconds, Gubbin!
Gubbin throws. His shot connects, and cheering erupts.
GUBBIN
Yeah!
MUSIC STING
INT. BEDROOM—MORNING
GUBBIN
(grunts)
Oh, my head.
(beat)
The hell am I doing upstairs?
(then)
Oh.
The door opens.
JOHANN
Room service!
GUBBIN
What is all this?
JOHANN
Breakfast in bed, silly. For the champion. I know, domplinka’s not really a breakfast food, but whatever.
GUBBIN
You bastard.
JOHANN
Yep. Here… hot off the grill.
He feeds Gubbin a bite.
GUBBIN
Ohh. Damn. I will say, I’ve been missing these.
JOHANN
Doesn’t your niece cook?
GUBBIN
In the sense that she puts food on the stove and then puts the remains on a plate… yeah, she cooks.
JOHANN
(laughs)
You poor baby.
GUBBIN
The kid could really use some help.
JOHANN
Maybe I can give her some pointers.
GUBBIN
She’d probably appreciate it.
JOHANN
Mm hmm. Coffee?
GUBBIN
Oh yeah. Yeah.
He pours.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
You know, sometimes it’s easy to take a good thing for granted.
JOHANN
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Gubbin takes a sip.
GUBBIN
This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven or anything.
JOHANN
Didn’t cross my mind.
He pours himself a coffee too.
GUBBIN
So. Working at the Badger and Bucket now?
JOHANN
Well, for now. Assuming Dorothea doesn’t fire my ass for losing the tournament.
GUBBIN
What, she hired you just to beat us at siege bowling?
JOHANN
You think Bucket pubs hire cooks for their skill?
GUBBIN
Eh, good point. Well, if she does fire you, you know…
JOHANN
Yeah?
GUBBIN
It’ll serve you right.
JOHANN
(laughs)
Probably.
GUBBIN
All right.
He takes another domplinka.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Did you lose that game on purpose?
JOHANN
Of course not. The better man won.
GUBBIN
You got that right.
JOHANN
I mean, you always play fair, right, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Always.
JOHANN
(laughs)
They clink their mugs.
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King, with special guests Sean Howard and Sarah Golding.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.
Looking for your next listen? We’re really enjoying The Far Meridian. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. And tune in next week for the season finale of The Axe and Crown!
OUTTAKE
BACKGROUND VOICES (WIZARDS)
Huzzah!
Outstanding!
Very, very good. Yes.
Let’s get this party started.
Oh yes.
ELI (DIRECTOR)
Okay. And then they lose the game.
MARISA
(laughs)