An old enemy comes to town, and the Axe & Crown’s regulars prepare for battle.
With special guest Karim Kronfli — plus cameos by Jack Pevyhouse, Caleb Del Rio and the Aural Traditions cast!
Content warning: organized crime, war, death threats, violence, siege, fantasy racism, confinement, drinking.
Episode Transcript
MUSIC—OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Twelve: The Art of War.
INT. BAR—NIGHT
The bar is almost empty. Betula is putting the chairs up. Stan picks one up too.
STAN
Hey Betula. I can help you with those.
BETULA
No, Stan, let me do it. I’m stronger.
STAN
I can lift a chair, geez. What’s the matter?
BETULA
Nothing’s the matter.
(she lowers her voice)
That guy’s creeping me out.
STAN
Which guy?
BETULA
In the far corner? Watching everybody? No, don’t stare.
STAN
Oh, with the little hat! He seemed nice.
BETULA
Stan, you think I’m nice. You think my uncle is nice.
STAN
Yeah! Well, you know, deep down…
BETULA
Guy looks Meyurian. Did he have any kind of accent?
STAN
I dunno. All he said was “A beer.”
BETULA
Has he moved at all since he came in?
STAN
Nah, he’s just been reading his book.
BETULA
Pretty thin book.
STAN
I guess he’s savouring it?
BETULA
And he hasn’t touched his drink.
STAN
He’s savouring that too?
BETULA
It’s still full to the brim.
STAN
Maybe he doesn’t drink?
BETULA
Well, then, why order one?
STAN
To support our business?
BETULA
Right, because he’s nice.
STAN
Yeah!
BETULA
Or he doesn’t want to take his eyes off us to go for a pee. Quit looking at him.
STAN
Well, we are talking behind his back.
BETULA
Crap, he’s seen us.
STAN
Oh yeah, geez, whoops.
(calls)
Hey there, stranger!
BETULA
Stan, shut up!
STAN
Well, it is closing time.
(calls)
Sorry, friend, bar’s closing. We’re gonna have to give you the old boot.
MAN
(ominous)
Good night.
The stranger drops some coins on the table, then departs. The door closes behind him.
Stan goes over to the table.
STAN
See, he said good night.
BETULA
I know. So nice.
STAN
Left a good tip, too. Oh, and look! There’s a little carved figurine. Isn’t that cute?
He picks up the figurine and trots it across the tabletop.
BETULA
What did you say?
STAN
What is this thing? Is it a dog?
BETULA
It’s a message.
STAN
It is? Like, in code or something? What does it mean?
BETULA
It’s from Arvando Bassi.
STAN
Bassi… Like, your old boss, that Bassi boss Bassi? The art mobster guy Bassi?
BETULA
Yes, that Bassi! That guy was one of his, no question. Leaving figurines carved from bone is one of Arvando’s signatures. That’s how you know he’s marked you.
STAN
Oh. Oh geez.
BETULA
This is bad. Krispaar nukin, this is bad. I didn’t think he’d follow me all the way here.
Gubbin enters from the back.
GUBBIN
Eh, what are you guys up to?
STAN
Betula just got a message from her old boss.
BETULA
I’m gonna have to leave town.
STAN
Wait, what? No! Leave? Again?
BETULA
If I don’t, you’re all in danger.
GUBBIN
From your wacky little artist friend?
BETULA
He’s serious. He’s coming to deconstruct this place. He even left a bone figurine.
GUBBIN
Wow. That’s terrifying.
BETULA
That’s what he does when he’s marked you for death.
GUBBIN
Yeah, what else does he do? Draw a little frowny face on your door?
STAN
What do you think, Gubbin? Is it supposed to be a dog, or a horse, or—
GUBBIN
It’s a goat. A goat. DAMN that little bastard.
He smashes it to pieces with his fist.
STAN
Whoa, whoa, Gubbin! What’s wrong?
GUBBIN
How did he know?
BETULA
Uncle?
GUBBIN
Betula? Did you tell him? How did he know?
BETULA
Know what?
GUBBIN
About… goats.
BETULA
Do humans not know about goats? Stan?
STAN
I have seen goats.
GUBBIN
No. This was something from back during the war. That bastard. How did he know?
STAN
(lightly)
What, did you get attacked by goats?
(then)
Wait. You got attacked by goats?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Commandos. Three of them. Tore our unit to shreds. We lost a lot of good people that day.
STAN
Oh. I’m sorry, Gubbin.
BETULA
That’s Arvando Bassi. Always with the symbolism.
STAN
Is he sending commando goats?
GUBBIN
Ha! Let him try. Let him try sending the gruff little bastards with their pointy beards. Let him send dragons, tornadoes, let him unleash hell for all I care! No one’s losing anybody here. We’re gonna teach these Mellurian hacks a thing or two!
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR—DAY
High noon. Tense whispers as the regulars nail up boards and rearrange furniture to form a barricade, as they did in Episode 1. This time, however, everyone is stone cold sober.
GUBBIN
All right, everyone. This might be it. This time we’re not dealing with some two-bit property developer.
STAN
Okay, ouch.
GUBBIN
This time our enemy is a truly deadly one. This is a man who’s murdered dozens of his foes and painted the walls with their blood.
BETULA
Canvases, actually. He had a fit if any blood got on the actual walls—
GUBBIN
The point is, he is a ruthless, scheming killer with delusions of artistic merit. But we will not let him win!
A cheer goes up.
STAN
Guys. Hostiles sighted!
The regulars go quiet again.
GUBBIN
How many?
STAN
I count five coming this way.
GUBBIN
What are they armed with?
STAN
I see swords. And everyone’s got… it looks like slings.
GUBBIN
It could be some kind of incendiary.
BETULA
Nah, that’s something the Magical Demolitionists would do. He’d die before he copied them. Those slings are full of paint.
GUBBIN
Are you sure?
BETULA
Gold paint. It’s his favourite. He always said it went so well with the blood of his enemies.
GUBBIN
Well, I’m sure his blood looks just as nice.
STAN
Who does he think he is, redecorating without asking us?
GUBBIN
You’re one to talk.
STAN
Okay, now it looks like a battering ram.
GUBBIN
Ooh, now we’re getting serious.
BETULA
Looks like they’re stopping there.
GUBBIN
Just five steps closer…
STAN
I think they figured it out.
GUBBIN
C’mon, I dug a tunnel all the way across the street and got it flooded with sewage. Don’t let it be for nothing.
They open the window.
BASSI
Hello! People of the Axe and Crown. I bid you a good afternoon.
GUBBIN
I know one way you could make it a better afternoon!
BASSI
Mister Gubbin, is it not? What a lovely place you have here.
GUBBIN
Aw, save your breath.
BASSI
I must say, however, that the colour does not please the eye. Salmon Sunrise is the colour of the weak and stupid.
GUBBIN
Take it up with the queen!
BASSI
I should like to repaint your tavern in gold and red.
BETULA
There it is.
GUBBIN
Get to the point, Bassi.
BASSI
If you insist. I believe you know the whereabouts of an acquaintance of mine. Miss Anna Betula?
GUBBIN
Doesn’t ring a bell.
BASSI
No? About this tall? Greyish blue? Tendency to steal and cheat?
GUBBIN
Sorry, I can’t hear you too well. Can you come a little closer?
BASSI
A little closer? So that we spring your inevitable booby trap?
GUBBIN
(under his breath)
Dammit.
(to Bassi)
What booby trap?
From around the corner comes the squeaking and rumbling of big wooden wheels.
BASSI
Luckily, I have no need to come closer. We brought this, you see…
STAN
What the heck is that?
GUBBIN
It’s a trebuchet.
BETULA
Also loaded with paint. It’s what he did when he laid siege to the Indecisionists’ headquarters.
GUBBIN
Close the shutters!
The regulars do, muffling the sounds from outside.
BASSI
Prenda viso! Tira! (“Take aim! Fire!”)
A distant thump and whistle, then a huge splat of paint against the wall. The regulars gasp.
STAN
Oh man, what did they hit?
GUBBIN
Who cares? At least it’s just a bag of paint and not a rock.
STAN
Aw man, we’re gonna have to redo the facade… again. Oh, and that sale on the pink paint, it’s totally over.
GUBBIN
You don’t have a coupon or something?
STAN
Nothing.
A series of smaller paint bombs smack against the shutters.
GUBBIN
That would be the slings, I’m guessing.
STAN
Why can’t people just make nice art?
Bassi’s crew ready another shot.
BASSI
Tira!
The trebuchet creaks and another blast of paint hits the wall. The sign outside clatters to the pavement. Groans from the regulars.
GUBBIN
That sounded like the sign.
STAN
They didn’t!
He yanks the shutter open.
STAN (CONT’D)
(leaning out the window)
Now see here, you… you big jerks!
BASSI
A vast improvement. No more of these sad old colours.
STAN
Do you know what this sign means?!
BETULA
Stan, quit leaning out the window!
STAN
It’s not just a tavern, you know. That is the arms of the Second Royal Engineering Battalion—
A volley of paint bombs catch Stan square in the face. He falls out the window with a scream.
BETULA
Stan!
EXT. STREET—CONTINUOUS
Stan lands in the mud and lies groaning while Bassi’s crew laugh.
STAN
Ugh…
BASSI
Well, hello. A hostage? For me? Betula, you shouldn’t have.
BETULA
(from the window above)
Don’t you touch him!
BASSI
And who might you be?
STAN
(panting)
I am Stanway Gerrard. I own the building.
BASSI
Ahhh, of course.
STAN
And you are an evil stupid head.
BASSI
You fell out of a window. Who is the stupid one?
STAN
‘Kay, that would probably be me. Although, I gotta say, it was a pretty good distraction, wasn’t it?
BASSI
Distraction…
A squad from the town guard has snuck up behind Bassi’s crew. They draw swords.
SERGEANT
Town guard! Freeze!
GUARD
Hands up! You’re under arrest.
Chaos reigns for a moment. The guards roughly subdue the goons.
STAN
The ELBO District Coalition is pretty uptight about vandalism and graffiti.
GUARD
Hey, watch the face. I’ve got a date tonight.
SERGEANT
All right, big guy. You’re coming with us.
Bassi draws a knife and grabs Stan.
BASSI
Oh, I think not!
SERGEANT
Whoa, okay!
STAN
Whoa, whoa! Listen, listen! We can work this out!
BASSI
Everybody, stay right where you are.
Silence falls.
BASSI (CONT’D)
(raises his voice)
Except for you, Betula. Where are you, troll?
The front door creaks open, and Betula emerges.
BETULA
Right here.
BASSI
Ah. How lovely to see you again.
BETULA
How have you been, Arvando? Sold any good paintings lately?
BASSI
You stole from me, Anna Betula Erfydsdottir. You stole something precious and irreplaceable.
BETULA
I stole some cash. It wasn’t even real cash.
BASSI
You know what I refer to.
BETULA
Uhhh. Your dignity? Your trust in your fellow people?
BASSI
My horse, you vile creature.
He tightens his grip on Stan.
STAN
Ooo, knife, sharp, knife.
BETULA
Your… wait, your horse?
BASSI
Do not pretend innocence. You stole Azandia when you ran away.
BETULA
No, I didn’t. Why would I do that?
BASSI
To make your escape. She was the fastest racehorse in the kingdom.
BETULA
(scoffs)
She wouldn’t be too fast with a troll riding her.
BASSI
Well, what did you do with her? By the gods—you didn’t… eat her?
BETULA
No, I didn’t eat her! Arvando—you really don’t know what happened to Azandia?
BASSI
What did happen?
BETULA
With this gang war going on, your family’s this close to broke. Your father sold her to some duke from Vaniacco. I dunno—I guess he didn’t want to admit it to you, so he blamed it on me?
BASSI
You lie!
He grips Stan even more tightly.
STAN
Ack!
BETULA
Seriously? No one told you?
BASSI
(breathes)
No.
BETULA
C’mon guys, back me up. Miguel, you used to take care of Azandia. Did I steal her or did Pops sell her?
MIGUEL
I—I am not supposed to say.
BASSI
Miguel!
BETULA
I’ll tell you, she’s probably safer in Vaniacco.
STAN
She’s got a point. Can we all be friends now? Please?
BASSI
You’re telling me my father lied to me. He betrayed me.
STAN
Friendly friends?
BETULA
Yup. I just borrowed a bit of cash.
BASSI
And abandoned me! When I needed you most!
BETULA
When you “needed” me to help you knock off one of your rivals.
BASSI
Who then made his escape! It would have been… a masterpiece.
BETULA
Oh well. There’s always the next idea. Can you let go of my friend now?
STAN
Yes please! Good idea.
BASSI
No… I still have a thirst.
STAN
Well, why don’t you come in? You could have a nice pint of—
BASSI
A thirst for art. And blood.
STAN
Right. Okay. We don’t have those in stock…
BASSI
You, Mister Stan. I shall paint your portrait and hang it in a special place of—
BETULA
Ugh, are you still on that blood portraits thing? Gods, get a new gimmick.
BASSI
It is not a gimmick!
STAN
Gack!
BETULA
It’s not even original. Sanguino da Laroncie did blood portraits. Hell, Claudia the Second was doing it a hundred years ago.
BASSI
Yes, well, my work is in dialogue with the art of past eras…
BETULA
Your work is a direct copy. Right down to those big splatters. Here we are in a different country and you can’t even come up with any new ideas? Come on!
BASSI
Don’t rush me!
STAN
Nghh!
BETULA
(realizing it’s backfired)
No, wait, wait!
STAN
Betulaaa! I don’t want to be art.
BASSI
Oh, trust me, you will be glorious.
(growls)
As soon as I figure out what to do with you.
BETULA
Arvando, look at me…
BASSI
Something new. I can do something new! I shall act on pure instinct!
BETULA
Arvando! It’s me you had a problem with, not Stan. Where’s the satisfaction painting with his blood?
STAN
Yeah, listen… Mister Bassi? I may not be an artist, but I have tons of friends who are artists.
BASSI
And?
STAN
(rapid fire)
And… I think you just have to give yourself a break. They do that all the time. They give breaks. You don’t always have to be creating.
BASSI
Yes, I do!
STAN
Exact… no! You could treat this trip abroad like a vacation. That’s what you need. You need a vacation. Or a, a, a spiritual journey. If you take a spiritual journey, and go to different places, in your spirit on a journey type even, you could take in the sights. You could meet new people. You could enjoy scenic Mud Street right here! That’s where we are. This is Mud Street. You could go to the cape. You could watch the dragons frolicking in the waves just like that… huh?
BASSI
Hmm. Go on.
STAN
Okay. So. I mean, for example, we’re here right now. Look at the sky. You see the sky right over there? You see?
BASSI
What about it?
STAN
Okay. So. Just really really really look at it…
BASSI
I am looking. What is—oof!
Betula downs him with one punch. He drops his blade and grunts as he slumps to the ground.
STAN
Nice one, Betula!
BETULA
Thanks. You okay?
STAN
Yeah! Whew. That was very educational. And very strenuous. I think I’m going to just have a little lie down too.
BETULA
Okay. Watch your step. No, watch your step!
STAN
I’m okay! I’m just a little tired—augh!
BETULA
Stan!
The ground gives way and he falls into a trough of muck.
STAN
Oh, geez. Again?
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR—NIGHT
The regulars are in a jubilant mood. Gubbin and Stan are pouring drinks.
GUBBIN
Oh, you should have seen it. It was a glorious moment, man! Right in the sewage!
(cackles drunkenly)
All that digging wasn’t for nothing after all!
STAN
(laughs along)
Heh, that’s a great story.
GUBBIN
It was so funny. You were so funny.
The crowd laughs.
STAN
Gubbin, listen. Listen, listen. All kidding aside. We, um, we all chipped in and we made you a little something.
GUBBIN
Made me what?
STAN
Just a present. From all of us.
GUBBIN
Oh… oh. What is it?
STAN
All right! Close your eyes.
GUBBIN
Why.
STAN
Because. It’s a surprise.
GUBBIN
I hate surprises.
BETULA
(serious)
C’mon, Uncle. Stan worked hard on this. Don’t spoil the moment.
The crowd quiets down.
STAN
I thought we should give you something to show our appreciation of you as an awesome bartender, tavern-keeper and our friend.
GUBBIN
(actually touched)
Yeah, yeah.
STAN
Isn’t that right, everybody!
GUBBIN
Okay, get on with it. I ain’t closing my eyes.
STAN
It’s okay. You don’t have to. It’s in the kitchen!
GUBBIN
Betula, you didn’t cook anything?
BETULA
I’m telling you nothing.
GUBBIN
All right, all right.
He steps toward the door.
STAN
Betula and me and all your friends, we decided to give you… the night off!
Silence.
GUBBIN
That’s it?
STAN
Uh… wait, no, no, no, something should have happened…
GUBBIN
What?
STAN
Hold on. We moved the trigger under one of these floorboards…
GUBBIN
The trigger… oh no!
STAN
Whoaaa!
The kitchen booby trap springs and hauls Gubbin and Stan into the air. Ropes creak. The crowd roars with laughter.
STAN
Okay, that wasn’t quite how it was supposed to happen, but… okay, the booby trap worked, so… yay?
GUBBIN
Stan, was this your idea?
STAN
Heh. You know, one day we’re gonna look back at this and laugh…
GUBBIN
And in the meantime…
He strains at the ropes.
BETULA
To Gubbin and Stan!
The crowd roars.
GUBBIN
You’re all going to regret this!
BETULA
All right, everybody. Drinks are on the house!
GUBBIN
I swear! Every single last one of you!
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
With special guests Karim Kronfli, Jack Pevyhouse, Caleb Del Rio and the cast of Aural Traditions.
Script and sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon—supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at AlbaSalix.com.
OUTTAKE
Gubbin and Stan are still stuck, while the party goes on around them.
STAN
Ow. Ow. Gubbin, you’re squishing me. It’s no fair—you’re bigger than me.
GUBBIN
I’m just getting comfy.
STAN
I never knew you had a tattoo.
GUBBIN
Eh, not many people see that in the light of day.
STAN
It’s a new angle…