There’s a new troll in town…
Episode Transcript
INTRODUCTION (SEAN)
Hi, Sean here, co-producer of Alba Salix and The Axe & Crown, and we’re bringing you Episode 3 of The Axe & Crown right now. But stick around after, because I have a really special announcement.
MUSIC—OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Three: Trølsig for Beginners.
INT. BAR, NIGHT
STAN
Hey Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Yeah.
STAN
Teach me how to say something in troll.
GUBBIN
In “troll”.
STAN
Yeah.
GUBBIN
I assume you mean Trølsig.
STAN
Yeah, that’s what I said. You’re a troll, right?
GUBBIN
You trying to be funny?
STAN
C’mon. Teach me something in “Trollsig”. How do you say “hello”?
GUBBIN
You don’t.
STAN
Aw, c’mon, Gub.
GUBBIN
There’s no such word in high Trølsig.
STAN
There’s gotta be.
GUBBIN
Doesn’t exist.
STAN
Well, what do you say, then?
GUBBIN
Nothing. You just talk. ‘S how trolls are.
STAN
No hello, you just start talking?
GUBBIN
Or not. You got nothing to say, you say nothing. It’s better that way. Why the sudden interest?
STAN
Just curious.
GUBBIN
Uh huh?
STAN
Y’know, like… Well, say I was to meet, I dunno, like a lady troll.
GUBBIN
So that’s what this is about.
STAN
No, no, not like that. Okay, like that.
GUBBIN
You could not handle a troll.
STAN
Gubbin, you underestimate me. Sure, I’m not exactly a side o’ beef…
GUBBIN
You’d snap like a twig!
STAN
It’s just, I gotta tell you…
GUBBIN
You and a troll!
STAN
I know. Here’s the thing. Things are a little… quiet on the romantic side…
GUBBIN
So you scared off the entire human population?
STAN
I’m just thinking, you know, maybe I should cast the net a little wider.
GUBBIN
Trolls, though?
STAN
Yeah!
GUBBIN
Start small. Like, a pixie, man!
STAN
Look. Troll women are solid, and forthright, and hard-working. They’re not flimsy and flighty like human girls.
GUBBIN
You ever actually met a troll woman?
STAN
Oh yeah, I mean, yes! I’ve totally… seen… one.
GUBBIN
Yeah, see, Farloria’s not exactly a hot destination for trolls.
STAN
Yeah, why is that, anyway?
GUBBIN
Dunno. Could be folks down around here don’t seem to like us very much.
STAN
I like trolls.
GUBBIN
Well, unfortunately for you, there is no eligible troll woman in this town.
STAN
Unfortunately for me! What about you?
GUBBIN
I deal.
STAN
What if one did come to town?
GUBBIN
Come to this town, she’d have to be dumb as a plank.
STAN
I dunno, you might change your tune if you met her…
GUBBIN
Met who?
STAN
No one. Just a hypothetical troll lady.
GUBBIN
Well, maybe if you close your eyes and pray real hard to Hönsflär.
STAN
Pray to who?
GUBBIN
Hönsflär Nüuki, the love goddess.
STAN
Would that work?
GUBBIN
You can try.
STAN
Okay. So say I did that, and I happened to meet a troll of the female persuasion. What would I say to her?
GUBBIN
What would you say? Mm, probably “Oh, hi there, pretty lady! No, put me down! Help! Gaaagk!”
(he mimics squishing noises)
STAN
Hilarious.
GUBBIN
That’s you getting squished like a little bug in the ground.
STAN
Yeah, I got that part. That is hilarious.
GUBBIN
By a pretty troll lady.
STAN
Clever. Yeah.
GUBBIN
Oops! Gonna need a mop now.
STAN
Why you so down on troll-human romance, Gub?
GUBBIN
Dunno. Maybe I’m just skeptical of humans that think that they’re into trolls.
STAN
Well, ouch. Waaait. Something happened, didn’t it? You had your heart broken!
(beat)
Yeah, see? Your stony silence speaks volumes.
GUBBIN
If I say nothing, it’s ’cause I got nothing to say.
STAN
You were in love with a human lady.
GUBBIN
I was not, actually.
STAN
Yes, you were. Look at you. So, was she pretty? Was she? What was her name?
GUBBIN
Give it up, Stan.
STAN
What was her name?
GUBBIN
(snaps)
Johann.
STAN
Yeah, very funny.
(beat)
Wait, what? Really?
GUBBIN
I’m about done talking.
STAN
I was right though, wasn’t I? Did he break your heart?
GUBBIN
Eh.
STAN
Wow. You and a human dude.
GUBBIN
You done?
STAN
I’m just trying to picture it.
GUBBIN
Yeah, well, look. You keep picturing out loud, I might have to put your head through the top of this bar. So I suggest you change the subject.
STAN
Okay. How about just teaching me some troll? Sig? Trollsig?
GUBBIN
Fine. Stan, if you ever meet a troll woman, and she doesn’t beat you into porridge, I’ll teach you some Trølsig.
STAN
Really?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Sure.
STAN
Aw. You’re a pal.
GUBBIN
I am not your pal.
STAN
You’re my pal, Gubbin.
GUBBIN
No.
STAN
You are, and you’re gonna teach me high Trollski. ‘Cause I just met one.
GUBBIN
What!
STAN
Yeah, on the way here tonight! She was getting off a ship down at the quay.
GUBBIN
A troll, here in town?
STAN
Yeah.
GUBBIN
What did she look like?
STAN
Uh, tall. Wide. Broad. Wait, is broad this way or this way?
GUBBIN
Blue or grey?
STAN
Sort of a bluey grey? Well, same colour as you, pretty much.
GUBBIN
Northerner, then.
STAN
Someone you know?
GUBBIN
Hard to say. Did you get her name?
STAN
No, I don’t speak troll! But here’s the thing: I overheard her asking for directions to the Lower Bank. She could be coming here!
GUBBIN
Thought you didn’t speak troll.
STAN
Well, no, she was speaking… I guess I could have asked her name, eh.
GUBBIN
Ah, well, light goes on finally, huh?
The outside door opens.
STAN
By all the gods.
GUBBIN
Oh no. This is your mystery troll woman?
STAN
Yes!
(whispers)
Thank you, Hensflar Nuxie!
GUBBIN
What the hell is she doing here?
Betula shuts the door and hauls her trunk over.
STAN
Quick, Gubbin, how do I say, uh… “You are a queen among women”?
GUBBIN
Oh, kid, you don’t know what you’re getting into.
STAN
(clears his throat)
Welcome, madame, to the Axe and Crown! My name’s Stan, and may I introduce my friend Gubbin, the proprietor…
BETULA
I know who he is. Vell, Onkel? Seyen summat. (“Well, Uncle? Say something.”)
STAN
Sorry—Uncle?
GUBBIN
Anna Betula. Vat in alfa hels yu is du heer? (“What the hell are you doing here?”)
BETULA
Guten seen yu also. (“Oh, nice to see you too.”)
STAN
Wait! Is this Trollsig? What does it mean?
BETULA
Thess vierd vee mannen, hu is? (“Who’s this weird little man?”)
GUBBIN
Don’t ask.
STAN
Hi! My name’s Stan. I own the building.
BETULA
Ah. Nice to meet you. I’m Betula.
STAN
Betula! So what brings you to town?
BETULA
I was just passing through and thought I’d say hello.
STAN
Aha! I knew it.
BETULA
What?
STAN
Gubbin…
GUBBIN
What?
STAN
Trolls do so say hello.
GUBBIN
(sighs)
BETULA
Yeah. Just heading up along the coast, and thought I’d stop by and see my good old uncle…
GUBBIN
Ha. That’s nice. Well, been good seeing you.
BETULA
Oh, come on. I thought I’d stay the night at least.
GUBBIN
There’s a couple places a bit further down the riverside that might have rooms for cheap.
BETULA
What about here? You don’t have a room for your favourite niece?
STAN
Yeah, Gubbin. Don’t you have a—
GUBBIN
No vacancies.
BETULA
Come on. What’s the problem? Is this because of that whole thing between you and Mama?
GUBBIN
Nah, what are you talking about? We’re just full up.
STAN
We’ve got loads of vacancies, Gubbin. You want your favourite niece to have to sleep under a bridge or something?
GUBBIN
Oh, you didn’t go there.
STAN
Oh, sorry, I totally didn’t mean… ’cause you’re a troll and… bridges… oh man.
BETULA
It’s fine. Really. It’s okay. Uncle, do you have a room for me or not?
GUBBIN
(considers)
Cash up front.
STAN
Gubbin…
BETULA
No, it’s fine. Here.
She slides a coin across the bar.
GUBBIN
That’s Mellurian money.
BETULA
I know.
GUBBIN
Yeah, well, dunno if you noticed, but this ain’t Melluria.
BETULA
I just got off a boat. I haven’t had time to change my money.
STAN
I will take care of it! I can change it when I’m at the bank tomorrow.
BETULA
Yeah, see?
GUBBIN
Fine. Here.
He gives Stan the coin and turns away to fetch a key.
STAN
If you like, I can take the rest of your cash too.
BETULA
No! No, that’s fine.
STAN
You sure? I’m a customer there. I get a preferred rate…
BETULA
I can do it myself.
STAN
Okay. But for sure don’t take it to those jerks by the market. They’ll totally rip you off. Always go to the bank.
BETULA
Sure…
GUBBIN
Here’s your key. Top floor, first door on the right.
STAN
Top floor? Why don’t we give her one of the renovated rooms?
(to Betula)
I finally talked Gubbin into fixing up some of the rooms here. Most of them didn’t even have beds!
GUBBIN
Fine. Here. Second floor at the end.
He hands her a different key.
BETULA
Tanke heeps, Onkel.
GUBBIN
Ya, vatevs.
She hefts her trunk and makes for the stairs.
STAN
Oh, let me help you with your trunk, too! Just gimme a second.
(softly)
Hey, Gubbin…!
GUBBIN
What.
STAN
You promised… Teach me a couple words in troll. C’mon. Just a couple.
GUBBIN
Uh. Vel tyervet.
STAN
Vel… what?
GUBBIN
“Vel tyervet.” Means welcome.
STAN
Nice!
(he saunters over)
Hey, Betula! I just wanted to say… vel chervit!
BETULA
Oh! Uh, tanke müklet. You speak Trølsig?
STAN
Not really. But I’m learning!
BETULA
(amused)
That’s very… strange of you.
STAN
Oh, it’s nothing.
BETULA
And your accent is terrible.
STAN
I know, right? Maybe you can help me!
BETULA
Right. Okay. Sure.
STAN
And hey, if you want, I can show you around Grandville! ‘Cause not only am I the owner here, I’m also the Axe and Crown’s official tour guide.
GUBBIN
(aside)
No. No.
BETULA
Really.
STAN
Yup! There’s lots to see here. Great markets, classic Farlorian architecture… oh, and there’s a brand new art gallery too! Do you like art?
BETULA
(suddenly icy)
Why do you ask?
STAN
I dunno, I thought you might be interested in doing something cultural—
His words are choked off as Betula grabs him.
BETULA
Who sent you?
STAN
(strangled)
Sent me…?
BETULA
Was it Arvando? What do you know about art?
STAN
I don’t know much about art. Do you not like art?
BETULA
You’re not with the Bassis?
STAN
What’s a Bassi? May I please be allowed to breathe? Please and thank you?
Betula lets go. Stan wheezes.
BETULA
You don’t know Arvando Bassi?
STAN
No… Should I?
BETULA
Never mind.
STAN
Okay. So no gallery then, that’s cool. Uhh… do you like music?
BETULA
Sorry about that. I thought you were someone else.
STAN
Nope, just me. Hi!
BETULA
Good. That’s very good. Hi.
(beat)
I’m gonna take my trunk upstairs now.
Betula hefts her trunk again. Her heavy footsteps ascend the creaky stairs.
STAN
Sure! Can I help you with that…? Uh… no, I guess you’ve got that. Wow. Okay.
BETULA
Good night, Stan.
STAN
Good night, Betula!
GUBBIN
(cackling)
Smooth move, Stan.
STAN
What?
GUBBIN
Did I call it or did I call it?
STAN
Call what?
GUBBIN
She just about snapped your neck there.
STAN
Aw, no, she just mistook me for somebody else.
(beat)
How do you say “I love you” in troll?
GUBBIN
You don’t.
STAN
Maybe you don’t. But there’s gotta be a word for it.
GUBBIN
Good night, Stan.
STAN
Wha? Oh, night, Gubbin.
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.
OUTRO (SEAN)
Hey everyone. We hope you are enjoying The Axe & Crown as much as we are. And we’re really excited to add in to this year’s fundraiser another six episodes of The Axe & Crown. So that means, if we hit our goal, not only are you going to get Season Two of Alba Salix—six full episodes—you’re also going to get the next six episodes of The Axe & Crown. We’ve been waiting to tell you all: they’re fully written, they’re ready to go. We just have to hit our goal.
So please visit albasalix.com and click on the link to support Season Two so we can keep bringing you more of these shows. And to all those who have been listening and sharing and contributing. Thank you. We look forward to seeing you next week.