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E3: Trølsig for Beginners

There’s a new troll in town…

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Episode Transcript

INTRODUCTION (SEAN)

Hi, Sean here, co-producer of Alba Salix and The Axe & Crown, and we’re bringing you Episode 3 of The Axe & Crown right now. But stick around after, because I have a really special announcement.

MUSIC—OPENING THEME

ANNOUNCER

The Axe and Crown. Episode Three: Trølsig for Beginners.

INT. BAR, NIGHT

STAN

Hey Gubbin.

GUBBIN

Yeah.

STAN

Teach me how to say something in troll.

GUBBIN

In “troll”.

STAN

Yeah.

GUBBIN

I assume you mean Trølsig.

STAN

Yeah, that’s what I said. You’re a troll, right?

GUBBIN

You trying to be funny?

STAN

C’mon. Teach me something in “Trollsig”. How do you say “hello”?

GUBBIN

You don’t.

STAN

Aw, c’mon, Gub.

GUBBIN

There’s no such word in high Trølsig.

STAN

There’s gotta be.

GUBBIN

Doesn’t exist.

STAN

Well, what do you say, then?

GUBBIN

Nothing. You just talk. ‘S how trolls are.

STAN

No hello, you just start talking?

GUBBIN

Or not. You got nothing to say, you say nothing. It’s better that way. Why the sudden interest?

STAN

Just curious.

GUBBIN

Uh huh?

STAN

Y’know, like… Well, say I was to meet, I dunno, like a lady troll.

GUBBIN

So that’s what this is about.

STAN

No, no, not like that. Okay, like that.

GUBBIN

You could not handle a troll.

STAN

Gubbin, you underestimate me. Sure, I’m not exactly a side o’ beef…

GUBBIN

You’d snap like a twig!

STAN

It’s just, I gotta tell you…

GUBBIN

You and a troll!

STAN

I know. Here’s the thing. Things are a little… quiet on the romantic side…

GUBBIN

So you scared off the entire human population?

STAN

I’m just thinking, you know, maybe I should cast the net a little wider.

GUBBIN

Trolls, though?

STAN

Yeah!

GUBBIN

Start small. Like, a pixie, man!

STAN

Look. Troll women are solid, and forthright, and hard-working. They’re not flimsy and flighty like human girls.

GUBBIN

You ever actually met a troll woman?

STAN

Oh yeah, I mean, yes! I’ve totally… seen… one.

GUBBIN

Yeah, see, Farloria’s not exactly a hot destination for trolls.

STAN

Yeah, why is that, anyway?

GUBBIN

Dunno. Could be folks down around here don’t seem to like us very much.

STAN

I like trolls.

GUBBIN

Well, unfortunately for you, there is no eligible troll woman in this town.

STAN

Unfortunately for me! What about you?

GUBBIN

I deal.

STAN

What if one did come to town?

GUBBIN

Come to this town, she’d have to be dumb as a plank.

STAN

I dunno, you might change your tune if you met her…

GUBBIN

Met who?

STAN

No one. Just a hypothetical troll lady.

GUBBIN

Well, maybe if you close your eyes and pray real hard to Hönsflär.

STAN

Pray to who?

GUBBIN

Hönsflär Nüuki, the love goddess.

STAN

Would that work?

GUBBIN

You can try.

STAN

Okay. So say I did that, and I happened to meet a troll of the female persuasion. What would I say to her?

GUBBIN

What would you say? Mm, probably “Oh, hi there, pretty lady! No, put me down! Help! Gaaagk!”

(he mimics squishing noises)

STAN

Hilarious.

GUBBIN

That’s you getting squished like a little bug in the ground.

STAN

Yeah, I got that part. That is hilarious.

GUBBIN

By a pretty troll lady.

STAN

Clever. Yeah.

GUBBIN

Oops! Gonna need a mop now.

STAN

Why you so down on troll-human romance, Gub?

GUBBIN

Dunno. Maybe I’m just skeptical of humans that think that they’re into trolls.

STAN

Well, ouch. Waaait. Something happened, didn’t it? You had your heart broken!

(beat)

Yeah, see? Your stony silence speaks volumes.

GUBBIN

If I say nothing, it’s ’cause I got nothing to say.

STAN

You were in love with a human lady.

GUBBIN

I was not, actually.

STAN

Yes, you were. Look at you. So, was she pretty? Was she? What was her name?

GUBBIN

Give it up, Stan.

STAN

What was her name?

GUBBIN

(snaps)

Johann.

STAN

Yeah, very funny.

(beat)

Wait, what? Really?

GUBBIN

I’m about done talking.

STAN

I was right though, wasn’t I? Did he break your heart?

GUBBIN

Eh.

STAN

Wow. You and a human dude.

GUBBIN

You done?

STAN

I’m just trying to picture it.

GUBBIN

Yeah, well, look. You keep picturing out loud, I might have to put your head through the top of this bar. So I suggest you change the subject.

STAN

Okay. How about just teaching me some troll? Sig? Trollsig?

GUBBIN

Fine. Stan, if you ever meet a troll woman, and she doesn’t beat you into porridge, I’ll teach you some Trølsig.

STAN

Really?

GUBBIN

Yeah. Sure.

STAN

Aw. You’re a pal.

GUBBIN

I am not your pal.

STAN

You’re my pal, Gubbin.

GUBBIN

No.

STAN

You are, and you’re gonna teach me high Trollski. ‘Cause I just met one.

GUBBIN

What!

STAN

Yeah, on the way here tonight! She was getting off a ship down at the quay.

GUBBIN

A troll, here in town?

STAN

Yeah.

GUBBIN

What did she look like?

STAN

Uh, tall. Wide. Broad. Wait, is broad this way or this way?

GUBBIN

Blue or grey?

STAN

Sort of a bluey grey? Well, same colour as you, pretty much.

GUBBIN

Northerner, then.

STAN

Someone you know?

GUBBIN

Hard to say. Did you get her name?

STAN

No, I don’t speak troll! But here’s the thing: I overheard her asking for directions to the Lower Bank. She could be coming here!

GUBBIN

Thought you didn’t speak troll.

STAN

Well, no, she was speaking… I guess I could have asked her name, eh.

GUBBIN

Ah, well, light goes on finally, huh?

The outside door opens.

STAN

By all the gods.

GUBBIN

Oh no. This is your mystery troll woman?

STAN

Yes!

(whispers)

Thank you, Hensflar Nuxie!

GUBBIN

What the hell is she doing here?

Betula shuts the door and hauls her trunk over.

STAN

Quick, Gubbin, how do I say, uh… “You are a queen among women”?

GUBBIN

Oh, kid, you don’t know what you’re getting into.

STAN

(clears his throat)

Welcome, madame, to the Axe and Crown! My name’s Stan, and may I introduce my friend Gubbin, the proprietor…

BETULA

I know who he is. Vell, Onkel? Seyen summat. (“Well, Uncle? Say something.”)

STAN

Sorry—Uncle?

GUBBIN

Anna Betula. Vat in alfa hels yu is du heer? (“What the hell are you doing here?”)

BETULA

Guten seen yu also. (“Oh, nice to see you too.”)

STAN

Wait! Is this Trollsig? What does it mean?

BETULA

Thess vierd vee mannen, hu is? (“Who’s this weird little man?”)

GUBBIN

Don’t ask.

STAN

Hi! My name’s Stan. I own the building.

BETULA

Ah. Nice to meet you. I’m Betula.

STAN

Betula! So what brings you to town?

BETULA

I was just passing through and thought I’d say hello.

STAN

Aha! I knew it.

BETULA

What?

STAN

Gubbin…

GUBBIN

What?

STAN

Trolls do so say hello.

GUBBIN

(sighs)

BETULA

Yeah. Just heading up along the coast, and thought I’d stop by and see my good old uncle…

GUBBIN

Ha. That’s nice. Well, been good seeing you.

BETULA

Oh, come on. I thought I’d stay the night at least.

GUBBIN

There’s a couple places a bit further down the riverside that might have rooms for cheap.

BETULA

What about here? You don’t have a room for your favourite niece?

STAN

Yeah, Gubbin. Don’t you have a—

GUBBIN

No vacancies.

BETULA

Come on. What’s the problem? Is this because of that whole thing between you and Mama?

GUBBIN

Nah, what are you talking about? We’re just full up.

STAN

We’ve got loads of vacancies, Gubbin. You want your favourite niece to have to sleep under a bridge or something?

GUBBIN

Oh, you didn’t go there.

STAN

Oh, sorry, I totally didn’t mean… ’cause you’re a troll and… bridges… oh man.

BETULA

It’s fine. Really. It’s okay. Uncle, do you have a room for me or not?

GUBBIN

(considers)

Cash up front.

STAN

Gubbin…

BETULA

No, it’s fine. Here.

She slides a coin across the bar.

GUBBIN

That’s Mellurian money.

BETULA

I know.

GUBBIN

Yeah, well, dunno if you noticed, but this ain’t Melluria.

BETULA

I just got off a boat. I haven’t had time to change my money.

STAN

I will take care of it! I can change it when I’m at the bank tomorrow.

BETULA

Yeah, see?

GUBBIN

Fine. Here.

He gives Stan the coin and turns away to fetch a key.

STAN

If you like, I can take the rest of your cash too.

BETULA

No! No, that’s fine.

STAN

You sure? I’m a customer there. I get a preferred rate…

BETULA

I can do it myself.

STAN

Okay. But for sure don’t take it to those jerks by the market. They’ll totally rip you off. Always go to the bank.

BETULA

Sure…

GUBBIN

Here’s your key. Top floor, first door on the right.

STAN

Top floor? Why don’t we give her one of the renovated rooms?

(to Betula)

I finally talked Gubbin into fixing up some of the rooms here. Most of them didn’t even have beds!

GUBBIN

Fine. Here. Second floor at the end.

He hands her a different key.

BETULA

Tanke heeps, Onkel.

GUBBIN

Ya, vatevs.

She hefts her trunk and makes for the stairs.

STAN

Oh, let me help you with your trunk, too! Just gimme a second.

(softly)

Hey, Gubbin…!

GUBBIN

What.

STAN

You promised… Teach me a couple words in troll. C’mon. Just a couple.

GUBBIN

Uh. Vel tyervet.

STAN

Vel… what?

GUBBIN

“Vel tyervet.” Means welcome.

STAN

Nice!

(he saunters over)

Hey, Betula! I just wanted to say… vel chervit!

BETULA

Oh! Uh, tanke müklet. You speak Trølsig?

STAN

Not really. But I’m learning!

BETULA

(amused)

That’s very… strange of you.

STAN

Oh, it’s nothing.

BETULA

And your accent is terrible.

STAN

I know, right? Maybe you can help me!

BETULA

Right. Okay. Sure.

STAN

And hey, if you want, I can show you around Grandville! ‘Cause not only am I the owner here, I’m also the Axe and Crown’s official tour guide.

GUBBIN

(aside)

No. No.

BETULA

Really.

STAN

Yup! There’s lots to see here. Great markets, classic Farlorian architecture… oh, and there’s a brand new art gallery too! Do you like art?

BETULA

(suddenly icy)

Why do you ask?

STAN

I dunno, I thought you might be interested in doing something cultural—

His words are choked off as Betula grabs him.

BETULA

Who sent you?

STAN

(strangled)

Sent me…?

BETULA

Was it Arvando? What do you know about art?

STAN

I don’t know much about art. Do you not like art?

BETULA

You’re not with the Bassis?

STAN

What’s a Bassi? May I please be allowed to breathe? Please and thank you?

Betula lets go. Stan wheezes.

BETULA

You don’t know Arvando Bassi?

STAN

No… Should I?

BETULA

Never mind.

STAN

Okay. So no gallery then, that’s cool. Uhh… do you like music?

BETULA

Sorry about that. I thought you were someone else.

STAN

Nope, just me. Hi!

BETULA

Good. That’s very good. Hi.

(beat)

I’m gonna take my trunk upstairs now.

Betula hefts her trunk again. Her heavy footsteps ascend the creaky stairs.

STAN

Sure! Can I help you with that…? Uh… no, I guess you’ve got that. Wow. Okay.

BETULA

Good night, Stan.

STAN

Good night, Betula!

GUBBIN

(cackling)

Smooth move, Stan.

STAN

What?

GUBBIN

Did I call it or did I call it?

STAN

Call what?

GUBBIN

She just about snapped your neck there.

STAN

Aw, no, she just mistook me for somebody else.

(beat)

How do you say “I love you” in troll?

GUBBIN

You don’t.

STAN

Maybe you don’t. But there’s gotta be a word for it.

GUBBIN

Good night, Stan.

STAN

Wha? Oh, night, Gubbin.

MUSIC—CLOSING THEME

ANNOUNCER

The Axe & Crown!

Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.

Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.

Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.

Sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Produced by Sean Howard.

The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.

OUTRO (SEAN)

Hey everyone. We hope you are enjoying The Axe & Crown as much as we are. And we’re really excited to add in to this year’s fundraiser another six episodes of The Axe & Crown. So that means, if we hit our goal, not only are you going to get Season Two of Alba Salix—six full episodes—you’re also going to get the next six episodes of The Axe & Crown. We’ve been waiting to tell you all: they’re fully written, they’re ready to go. We just have to hit our goal.

So please visit albasalix.com and click on the link to support Season Two so we can keep bringing you more of these shows. And to all those who have been listening and sharing and contributing. Thank you. We look forward to seeing you next week.