Betula spills the beans on her recent misadventures.
Episode Transcript
INTRODUCTION (ELI)
Hi everyone. It’s Eli, writer and co-producer. Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who’s been donating to our Indiegogo campaign for Alba Salix, Season Two, and to everyone who’s been spreading the word about it. We’re just past the halfway mark now, which is awesome! We really want to keep that momentum going. There’s about 00 still to go, so please do consider helping us out, either monetarily if you’re able, or if you use iTunes, you can rate and review us there, or share our show with your friends. Thank you! Now, on with the show.
MUSIC—OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Four: The Artful Dodger.
INT. BAR, MORNING
The opening theme is rudely interrupted by the sound of twanging ropes, grinding wooden gears, and Betula’s holler of surprise as she’s caught in a booby trap and hauled off her feet.
BETULA
(winded, swearing)
Kakuten vilimat kruufen giss!
Ropes creak as she struggles, dangling upside down. Nothing.
BETULA (CONT’D)
Great. Dammit, Uncle…
Stan enters from the street.
STAN
Good morning! Oh my gosh, Betula! Are you okay?
BETULA
I’m fine.
STAN
That doesn’t look very comfy.
BETULA
I’m fine.
STAN
Hanging upside down like that?
BETULA
It’s fine. I was just looking around for something to eat and suddenly this rope thing went off.
STAN
That’s Gubbin for you. He’s got traps everywhere and never thinks to warn anyone.
BETULA
I should have known. The kitchen door, though?
STAN
Yeah. The kitchen is “off limits”, apparently. Don’t feel bad. I got caught in that one myself.
BETULA
That’s nice.
(straining)
I can’t reach my knife. Could you just…?
But Stan has started hunting around under the bar.
STAN
Oh no, no, you shouldn’t need to cut anything. When I set that one off, Gubbin had, like a release button for it. I think it was somewhere down here…
BETULA
No, Stan, please. Just give me my knife. It’s right here, you can see the sheath. Look. Look where I’m pointing. Stan. Here, Stan. Look.
STAN
No, I remember he reached under the bar… he must have flipped a lever or something…
There’s a thunk as a second trap springs, catching Stan’s arm.
STAN (CONT’D)
Ow!
BETULA
Oh gods.
STAN
Okay, so he’s got another trap under the bar. I was not expecting that. Wow. Okay. My arm is totally stuck now. How crazy is that?
BETULA
Great.
STAN
That Gubbin. What a smart guy!
BETULA
Yeah, what a guy.
STAN
(raises his voice)
Hey Gubbin! Are you up yet?
BETULA
Oh yes, let’s get Uncle in here so he can gloat. That’s a great idea.
The two keep twisting and straining throughout the following:
STAN
So. Is this your first time in Farloria?
BETULA
What? Yeah. First time.
STAN
Nice. Nice. How are you enjoying it so far?
BETULA
So far, let’s see… I had to drag my trunk all over town looking for this place, and now I’m hanging from the ceiling in one of my uncle’s stupid booby traps.
STAN
Right. Yeah. That’s a lousy start. Hey, if you’re free today, I can give you that guided tour of Grandville. Let you see the city properly.
BETULA
That’s nice of you, but I’ve gotta be on my way today.
STAN
Awww, no, really? Where you headed?
BETULA
Away. East.
STAN
Like, toward Mediocria? That’s a… nice part of the country.
BETULA
So I hear.
STAN
So you don’t even have time for a little sightseeing?
BETULA
Sorry, no.
STAN
Aw. Oh, by the way… you still gotta change your money, right?
BETULA
Right…
STAN
Well… I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you know that Mellurian coin you gave us last night?
BETULA
What about it?
As he speaks, Stan fishes in his pockets with his wrong hand, and finally comes up with the coin.
STAN
I took it to the bank this morning, and they showed me this really cool thing. See, here’s your coin. And if I weigh it… well, I don’t think we have a balance here, but apparently this coin weighs the same as two hundred and fourteen grains of barley.
BETULA
That’s fascinating.
She strains harder at the ropes.
STAN
But then, get this, you stick it in water, and then I think it’s the amount that spills out divided by the number of grains, something like that? Anyway. I didn’t want to tell Gubbin, since he would blow it out of proportion, but… the point is, it’s not real.
BETULA
What’s not?
STAN
This coin. I think someone back in Melluria gave you some fake currency—
BETULA
What do you mean, not real?
At that moment, Gubbin trudges in.
GUBBIN
What’s not real?
STAN AND BETULA
Nothing!
GUBBIN
Huh. Someone been trying to jimmy the lock on the kitchen door?
BETULA
I was hungry. I thought you might have some food around.
GUBBIN
Kitchen’s off limits.
BETULA
Apparently.
GUBBIN
Let’s see that coin, Stan.
STAN
I do not know what coin you are currently referring to—
(as Gubbin prises open his fingers)
Ow, ow, ow. Okay. Right. Yes. This coin right here.
GUBBIN
Huh. “Regna da Melluria—5 royales”. That look real to you?
(he taps it on the bar)
Looks like gold, doesn’t it?
BETULA
It is gold.
GUBBIN
Well, let’s just see here…
STAN
No, don’t! Aw, Gubbin…
Gubbin bites the coin in half and spits out the pieces.
GUBBIN
Well, would ya look at that. Solid lead! With a layer of brass, and just the tiniest little bit of gold leaf around it. Probably worth, what, about sixpence?
STAN
I heard lead isn’t very good for you.
GUBBIN
This ain’t legal tender. There or here.
BETULA
Well, how was I supposed to know? I’m not an alchemist.
(beat)
Can you let me out of this net?
STAN
Oh, while you’re at it, I’m kinda stuck too.
GUBBIN
This all the money you got?
BETULA
Yeah. I mean, I got more money, but it’s just more of these.
GUBBIN
Where’d you get ’em?
BETULA
In Melluria. (pronounced “Meyuria”) Uncle, let me out of this stupid trap.
GUBBIN
Where in Melluria?
BETULA
It’s “Meyuria”.
GUBBIN
Where in “Meyuria”.
BETULA
A guy.
GUBBIN
What guy.
BETULA
Just a guy. An artist.
GUBBIN
Oh, here we go.
STAN
What, is there something wrong with artists?
GUBBIN
What was his name?
BETULA
(reluctant)
Arvando Bassi.
GUBBIN
Bassi!
BETULA
Yes.
STAN
Why do I know that name?
GUBBIN
What hell were you doing taking money from a Mellurian artist? One of the Bassis, no less?
BETULA
Let me down and I’ll tell you.
GUBBIN
(considers)
Fine.
He presses a hidden button and the trap dumps Betula out on the floor.
BETULA
Ow.
STAN
Betula! You okay?
BETULA
A bit of warning would have been nice.
GUBBIN
How did you get mixed up with the Bassis?
STAN
Also, who are they? Also, can you let me out next?
GUBBIN
The Bassis are the most notorious art cabal in Melluria.
STAN
Notorious how?
BETULA
Turns out they’re into art theft, forging sculptures and paintings, ancient relics… and I guess forging money, too.
GUBBIN
Won’t find a more subversive, transgressive band of hoodlums this side of the Pointy Lands.
BETULA
But I didn’t know any of that when I met Arvando.
GUBBIN
So what were you doing in Melluria?
BETULA
I was going to school there, working odd jobs to get by, and then one day this guy approached me, said he was a painter and a sculptor and wanted to hire me as his model.
STAN
You worked as a model?
BETULA
So I said okay. And so Arvando did a couple of paintings of me. But soon he had me helping him out with frescoes and installations, carrying his supplies, setting up scaffolding… and sometimes I’d just stand outside while he was chatting with someone, and make sure they saw me. The way he talked, I figured it was just because he wanted to show me off.
GUBBIN
Uh huh.
BETULA
Which was a little weird, but whatever. What can I say? He could talk anyone into anything.
GUBBIN
Especially with a seven-foot-high troll standing next to him. Can’t believe you were working for Arvando Bassi.
BETULA
I just thought he was a solid guy, okay? He paid me good money.
GUBBIN
Good fake money.
BETULA
Yes. Anyway. We spend weeks preparing for his next big show. Lots of pictures of the rich and famous, trying to win over new patrons. So this hall’s full of dukes and bishops and bankers, and when it comes time for opening night… this rival group called the Magical Demolitionists have vandalized every piece in the hall.
STAN
Oh no! Like, they smashed everything?
BETULA
Worse. They changed things. They took the heads off his sculptures and switched them. They cut up his paintings and rearranged them. And in doing so they recontextualized them in a manner that forced one to confront the paradoxical and hypocritical nature of power and legitimacy in modern society.
GUBBIN
(beat)
Frickin’ artists.
STAN
I don’t get it.
BETULA
Don’t you see? He invited all these nobles so he could flatter them, and instead, all they saw were paintings full of symbolism about how they were lying, and sleeping with each other, and stealing from everyone in the kingdom.
GUBBIN
Which was all lies, I’m sure.
BETULA
Oh, it was all true. But you still shouldn’t put it in a painting. They would have killed him for treason if his parents hadn’t stepped in.
But all of a sudden, every two-bit fresco painter decided they wanted a piece. All the movements and factions piled on, trying to get the upper hand. One day, all six members of the Maniacal Five had their heads mysteriously bashed in by gargoyles falling off buildings.
STAN
Whoa.
BETULA
That was the Demos, of course. The Demolitionists. Before long they had control of the trade in watercolours and miniatures. Then they got together with the East Side Post-Reasonablists to take on the Bassis head-to-head.
GUBBIN
Huh. And the Bassis?
BETULA
Arvando was laying low after the big fiasco. But that was before the whole Azandia thing.
GUBBIN
What’s an Azandia?
BETULA
His racehorse. She was a gift from his parents, I think.
STAN
Uh oh…
BETULA
Arvando loved that horse. Fed her on wine and pastries. He got me to install a toiletti for her in the stable.
GUBBIN
A what?
BETULA
A water closet. It’s like a chamber pot, but it’s got running water.
GUBBIN
What the hell for?
BETULA
For flushing it. It’s the latest thing in Melluria. Very expensive.
GUBBIN
He had you install a “toiletti” for his horse?
BETULA
I told you, Azandia was his little princess! Literally, he made her a silver tiara. But anyway, a couple weeks after the Demolitionists make their move, Arvando’s got an unveiling. Great big statue of the Duke, in the main square.
I’m working security, in case anybody tries anything creative. I catch a couple of Demos trying to sneak in with brushes and glue, so I knock some sense into them. And… that’s it. The unveiling goes off without a hitch. All his patrons are overjoyed…
GUBBIN
But…?
BETULA
But that night, Arvando comes home from the big party, goes up to his chambers…
STAN
Oh no. I don’t like this story.
BETULA
And finds the bedclothes all stained, and sitting right in the middle of the bed…
STAN
No, stop, seriously…
BETULA
Is Azandia the horse’s brand new toiletti.
STAN
Wait, what?
BETULA
And in front of it, there’s a little plaque, like in a museum. Says, “The Complete Works of Arvando Bassi”.
STAN
Wow. That’s… I guess that’s… terrible?
BETULA
Yeah, that was just way too on-the-nose. Arvando basically snapped. Started a new series of allegorical portraits of his enemies.
STAN
Portraits? Could have been worse! At least he wasn’t—
BETULA
Using their own blood.
STAN
O‑kay.
BETULA
I kept thinking, these paintings smell weird. But I didn’t clue in until the night he had me line the floor and walls with canvases, gave me this big knife and asked me to help him “bring someone in”. So at that point I figured it was time for me to make an exit.
GUBBIN
You stole his money and ran.
BETULA
What else was I gonna do?
STAN
At least it wasn’t real money.
GUBBIN
Yeah, at least it was counterfeit that you stole. From a gangster. And paid your uncle with.
BETULA
Look, I’m sorry about the coins. I honestly didn’t know.
GUBBIN
You think he knows where you went?
BETULA
I covered my tracks pretty well. I mean, it’s always kinda hard being discreet in human country.
GUBBIN
Yeah. Well. I can’t guarantee you’ll be safe here, but if you need a place to stay…
BETULA
I don’t want to bring anything bad down on you guys.
GUBBIN
We’ll deal. Anyone shows up in town and starts asking about trolls, I’ll hear about it. Your artist friends come for you, they’ll have to come through me.
BETULA
Thanks, Uncle.
STAN
And me.
BETULA
…Sure.
GUBBIN
So? Anna Betula. You gonna be sensible about this?
BETULA
Yeah. I’ll stay.
STAN
Woo hoo!
BETULA
Thanks, Uncle.
GUBBIN
Yeah, you’re welcome. It’s two crowns a night. No meals.
STAN
Gubbin.
BETULA
No, it’s fine. I just need to find a place to change these coins…
GUBBIN
Stan tried to change one at the bank. Word’s gonna get out. No one’s gonna take those anywhere in town.
STAN
I can help you out with rent.
BETULA
No. I can pay my own way. I’ll find work and I’ll pay you back properly, Uncle.
Betula heads for the stairs while Gubbin goes outside.
GUBBIN
See to it. You got one week.
BETULA
Thanks.
Gubbin shuts the door behind him.
STAN
Yay! It all worked out.
He wrestles with the trap mechanism.
STAN (CONT’D)
My arm is still stuck. Hello? Guys? I’m still—guys? Can you come back? ‘Cause I’m still… in the trap…
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.
OUTTAKE
STAN
“I’m Arvando Bassi. I’m gonna come and I’m gonna beat up Betula.” “No! You’re not! I’m Stan and I’m here to protect her! I only have one hand left ’cause the other one got amputated because it lost all the circulation but still, I don’t care because I’m going to get you—” “Oof! Oh! Oh no! Please don’t—”
GUBBIN
(from the other room)
Stan! Stop your fooling! Get to work!
STAN
Sorry.