Stan helps Betula look for work. Gubbin doesn’t.
Episode Transcript
INTRODUCTION (ELI)
Hello, hello. It’s Eli, writer and co-producer. We’ve got about ten days left in our fundraiser for Season Two of Alba Salix, and we’re about two-thirds of the way to our goal. So this is where we need your help to push us over the finish line. If you like what you’re hearing, please donate if you can, and help us get the word out. Tell a friend. Tell all your friends and family and followers, and help us bring you six more Axe and Crown episodes and of course six more full half-hour episodes of Alba Salix, Royal Physician.
Thank you to everyone who’s pledged so far, and tweeted and Facebooked and Tumblr’d and everything-elsed. If you haven’t, now is the time! Check it all out at AlbaSalix.com. Thank you!
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Five: The Job Hunt.
INT. BAR, MORNING
The outside door opens and Stan enters.
STAN
Morning, Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Ugh. Don’t remind me.
STAN
Happens every day, you better get used to it!
GUBBIN
You here to see Betula?
STAN
Who? Oh, your niece, right.
GUBBIN
“Oh, your niece.” Bit late to play it casual, kid.
STAN
Well, sure, she’s nice and all…
GUBBIN
Says the guy with a bouquet of flowers.
STAN
They’re for the bar!
GUBBIN
Yeah, why didn’t I think of that? Roses on the tables, that’s just what the place needs. Roses on the vomit-stained tables, maybe some nice doilies to go under the pastries.
STAN
When have you ever served pastries?
GUBBIN
(a sore point)
We used to.
STAN
Well, if we just fix up the kitchen and hire a cook…
GUBBIN
Eh. Too much hassle.
STAN
Do you think she likes flowers?
GUBBIN
Who, my niece?
STAN
Yeah, your niece. What does she like? Flowers? Marzipan? Walks on the beach?
GUBBIN
The hell should I know? Ask her yourself!
STAN
I can’t just come out and ask her… that’s like cheating.
GUBBIN
What is it with you humans? You can’t learn to say what you mean?
STAN
It’s just not… the way we do things.
GUBBIN
All this “hello” and “nice to see you” and “oh, no, that’s fine.” It’s like there’s a layer of gunk between you and the real world. It’s like… eating with a fork.
STAN
What are you saying, exactly?
GUBBIN
Say what you mean, is what I’m saying.
STAN
You don’t always say what you mean. “Roses on the tables, that’s what this place needs!”
GUBBIN
That’s called irony.
Betula comes down the stairs, sleepy and cross.
STAN
Hi, Miss Betula!
BETULA
Oh, good morning, Stan.
STAN
Would you care for a flower?
BETULA
Sure. I’m starving.
She eats the flower.
STAN
Ah. Oh. Oh, no, okay. You might want to be careful of those thorns…
(too late)
Oh. Yeah, okay. So. Did you sleep well?
BETULA
No, not at all. The bed is so soft and cozy.
STAN
Isn’t that a good thing?
BETULA
I think my spine actually oozed out of shape in the night. Uncle, didn’t you say you just renovated?
STAN
Yeah, we did.
GUBBIN
(happily)
Slipped my mind.
BETULA
You gave me the squishy bed on purpose.
STAN
I’m so sorry! I didn’t know. Why don’t we move you to a room with a, uh… a classic mattress?
BETULA
That would be nice. See, Uncle? That’s how to run a tavern.
GUBBIN
You complaining about the free room I’m giving you?
BETULA
Look, I’ll pay you, Uncle. I just need to find work.
GUBBIN
Well, you got six days left. Time’s a‑wasting.
STAN
Yes! Speaking of work… Let’s find you a job.
He unfolds a newspaper.
BETULA
Well, today I was just gonna see if anyone down at the docks needs day labourers.
GUBBIN
(scoffs)
Kinda late in the morning for that. They all start work at dawn. Hell, I run a bar and I was up before you.
BETULA
Well, strangely enough, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.
Stan flourishes his paper.
STAN
I got the classified ads from the Grandville Gazette right here. That’s where I’d start if I was looking.
GUBBIN
Yeah, say, why don’t we find you both a job?
STAN
Not me! I got the old Axe and Crown to keep me busy.
GUBBIN
No, seriously.
STAN
Can’t talk, reading. “Accountants Wanted…”
BETULA
I’m not an accountant.
STAN
“Actors for a new production of The Ghastly Murder of Count Bozannio.”
BETULA
Do they have any roles for trolls?
STAN
Hey, you never know!
GUBBIN
Yeah, maybe the Count gets murdered by a seven-foot-tall strongwoman.
Stan circles the ad with a pen.
STAN
True. True. I’ll put that down as a “maybe”. Hmm. “Architect-slash-baker sought for Gingerbread Construction, Limited.” Um… “Chimney Sweeps…”
BETULA
I don’t think we’re going to find anything in the paper.
STAN
No, you gotta dream big! I mean… what did you always want to be when you grew up?
BETULA
Uh… Champion smashball player?
Stan leafs through the pages.
STAN
Okay, cool…
BETULA
Or a carpenter. Or gryphon trainer.
STAN
Hmm. I don’t see any openings. This week, anyway.
GUBBIN
No, because Farlorians don’t play smashball, they don’t keep gryphons as pets, and you can’t be a carpenter if you’re not in the Guild.
STAN
Well then, isn’t it lucky I’ve got contacts in half the construction guilds in the city.
GUBBIN
(laughing)
Yeah, I’m sure your name carries a lot of weight.
STAN
It does, actually. They all did work for my father’s old company.
(to Betula)
He was a real estate developer. He left me this place when he died.
BETULA
Really? So you run his company now?
STAN
Well, no… my sister inherited the company.
GUBBIN
Oh yeah, right. I heard about that. Your big sister got everything, right?
STAN
I mean, she’s actually younger than me, but basically—
GUBBIN
Oh, yeah, that’s right. So, how old’s your sister, Stan?
STAN
Oh. Well, uh… she…
GUBBIN
Yeah, go on.
STAN
…is… twelve.
BETULA
Wow. And your father left the family business to her?
GUBBIN
While Stan got this fine establishment.
STAN
Betula, if you want a construction job, I will get you a list of places. Guild pay is a heck of a lot better than day labour!
BETULA
Thanks, Stan.
GUBBIN
You really think they’re gonna hire her?
STAN
They must be smart enough to see what a strong, able-bodied troll woman could do for them.
BETULA
You make it sound like they got something against trolls here. They don’t have something against trolls, do they?
GUBBIN
Eh, no more than most humans.
STAN
I like trolls.
GUBBIN
Well. We got that going for us.
STAN
Ignore him, Betula. We’re gonna find you a job!
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR, AFTERNOON
Betula trudges in.
STAN
Betula! How did it go? Any takers?
BETULA
No, it’s funny, no one’s hiring.
GUBBIN
Hunh.
STAN
You’re kidding! I was down in Guildhall Row last week and there were Help Wanted signs everywhere.
BETULA
Yeah. Every guild hall I go in, it turns out they’ve just finished hiring, and they forgot to take the sign down. Or buddy who does the applications just happens to be off on vacation.
STAN
Really? Gosh, that’s rotten luck.
BETULA
Or no one wants to hire a troll.
GUBBIN
Did I or did I not say this was going to happen?
BETULA
Or a woman, probably.
STAN
Aw, c’mon. Did you say I sent you?
BETULA
When I managed to. At the one place that didn’t turn me away immediately.
STAN
And that didn’t help?
BETULA
The secretary just laughed. And laughed.
STAN
Oh. Well, I’m a funny guy.
BETULA
And laughed. Until she finally passed out. I filled out an application, but I’m not expecting much.
STAN
You can’t let that stop you!
GUBBIN
Yeah, he’s right. Keep trying, it’ll be hilarious.
BETULA
You’re such a help, Uncle.
STAN
Hey. Whoa. Brain explosion! Hold on. Why don’t we hire Betula?
GUBBIN
What do you mean, “we”?
BETULA
You could definitely use a maid.
STAN
See, Gubbin? You’re always complaining about how much work it is running this place…
GUBBIN
Not much cleaning to do here.
BETULA
Well, by your standards, no.
STAN
Hey, what about the kitchen?
GUBBIN
What about it? It burned down.
BETULA
(skeptical)
It did what?
GUBBIN
There was a big fire. It’s too dangerous to go in there.
BETULA
Really!
STAN
So it’s a good thing Betula is an expert carpenter.
BETULA
I said I wanted to be a carpenter.
STAN
I will pay for the materials… We can rebuild the kitchen! Better than before!
GUBBIN
No. It’s a safety hazard.
BETULA
This whole tavern is a safety hazard.
STAN
Well, let us help you clean it up. How bad can it be?
BETULA
Yeah, Uncle.
GUBBIN
Never mind the kitchen.
Betula has moved over to the kitchen door.
BETULA
Hmm. It’s almost like you don’t want people to go in here.
GUBBIN
Don’t touch that door.
STAN
Careful—booby trapped, remember?
BETULA
It is? Gosh, I better be careful.
She unlocks the door. The net trap trips harmlessly, with a little twang.
GUBBIN
Hey! How did you disarm that? Stop! I told you, it’s dangerous…
But she’s already through the door.
CROSSFADE TO:
INT. KITCHEN, CONTINUOUS
Betula strolls in. Stan follows cautiously.
STAN
Wait. Gubbin, I thought you said there was a fire in here. There’s not even soot on the walls.
BETULA
I know, right?
STAN
All the pots and things are just sitting here…
BETULA
Like someone just stopped in the middle of cooking, and ran off.
STAN
Gubbin? You okay there, buddy?
BETULA
Uncle?
STAN
What happened in here?
GUBBIN
(heavily)
He left.
BETULA
Who left?
GUBBIN
Johann. My… the cook.
STAN
Your ex.
BETULA
Wait. Wait.
GUBBIN
He was the cook, way back when I first started working here. He helped me get over a lot of things. Helped me feel normal again, you know, after the war.
STAN
He must have been some cook.
GUBBIN
You have no idea. He even learned to make a few troll specialties, just for me. Only human I ever met who could make a proper domplinka.
BETULA
Awww.
GUBBIN
After Noreena died, he stuck around and we ran the place together for a few years. It was… nice. Easy, you know? I was out there, and he was back here, taking care of everything.
And then one night, I came back here and there’s him with this strapping young delivery guy from the greengrocer’s up the hill, having some kind of private tasting.
STAN
Oh. Oh man. Did you guys fight?
GUBBIN
Eh. Words were exchanged. He ran off after his delivery boy or whatever, and I just…
BETULA
Locked the door and never went back in the kitchen again?
GUBBIN
Haven’t had a decent meal since.
STAN
I’m sorry, Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Eh. Trolls and humans. It was always gonna happen.
STAN
Well… why don’t we renovate? Reorganize, clean the place up, scrub away all those bad memories.
GUBBIN
Who needs a kitchen?
BETULA
Uncle, you’ve got the only tavern in town that doesn’t have food. Even the raccoon hotel down the street brings in fresh garbage for their guests.
STAN
Yeah! C’mon, Gub. You could have pastries again…
GUBBIN
(grunts)
STAN
Or… what was it? Dumplinkies?
GUBBIN
(suddenly dreamy)
Domplinka…
STAN
(at Betula)
Yeah. Say, do we know anyone else who might know how to make domplinka?
BETULA
What… me?
STAN
Can you?
BETULA
Sure, I used to make them all the time back home.
GUBBIN
Ohhh. It’s been a long time…
STAN
Gubbin, I think we might have found our new cook.
BETULA
And byglintur. And kling klangs.
GUBBIN
Keep talking.
STAN
This is perfect! We get a cook, you get a job, everybody wins! What do you say, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
(considers)
All right. You’re hired.
BETULA
Thanks, you guys.
STAN
We’ll show that Johann. Big two-timing jerk! We’re gonna turn this place around…
(sings)
Turn this place around! The best food in town! We’re gonna—
GUBBIN
Stop. Stop. STOP THAT DANCING.
STAN
You can cook human food too, right?
BETULA
Right. Human food. Of course.
STAN
Amazing.
GUBBIN
Question is, where the hell are we gonna get groceries now?
STAN
There’s more than one greengrocer in town. Hey, maybe you can find your own delivery guy. Eh?
GUBBIN
Why do I even tell you things.
STAN
“Special delivery. Special delivery for Gubbin. Hello. Where’s the handsome troll in the back?”
GUBBIN
Stan, are you done?
STAN
“I’d like to find you. I have a delivery just for you…”
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.