The Axe & Crown’s kitchen is back in business… but for how long?
Episode Transcript
INTRODUCTION (ELI)
Hi everyone. Eli here, your writer and co-producer. So. We’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is: this is the last Axe & Crown episode… for a little while.
But the good news is: there will be more—because we’ve met our funding goal! Thanks to the generosity of our wonderful listeners and friends, we are charging on ahead with Alba Salix, Season Two AND six more episodes of The Axe & Crown. And we’re going to have a few more little surprises for you too, so stay tuned to this feed!
The other good part about meeting our goal is that it means we can continue to accept donations past the deadline. So if you haven’t, please do consider pitching in if you can. Every little bit helps us to make the show better: things like paying actors, upgrading our gear and software, and hosting and other incidentals.
And to everyone who has donated and helped spread the word so far—we can’t thank you enough. You’re all awesome.
And now: on with the show.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Six: What’s Cooking.
INT. BAR—NIGHT
A nasty squelch and the clatter of a spoon in a bowl of something slimy. The bar is full of disgruntled customers.
CUSTOMER
I ain’t eating that.
STAN
Sir, I’m really sorry if it’s not up to your… see, we’re currently working on perfecting our menu.
CUSTOMER
You call this chicken feet soup? What’s this green stuff?
STAN
Well, I know what it looks like, but it’s actually a garnish—
CUSTOMER
It’s mold. That’s what it “actually” is. Also, it’s disgusting.
STAN
I’m sorry about that, sir. We’ll get you another one right away.
CUSTOMER
It’s disgusting.
Stan takes the bowl and retreats to the safety of the bar.
GUBBIN
Another one, huh?
STAN
Yeah. That’s six meals sent back in one night. I thought you said your customers weren’t discerning.
GUBBIN
They aren’t. If they were, they’d be burning this place down.
STAN
(whines)
GUBBIN
What’s the matter? All your dreams of fame and fortune in the restaurant biz going up the creek?
STAN
What are we gonna do, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
I dunno. Maybe… fire the cook?
STAN
We can’t do that!
GUBBIN
‘Cause you’ll be taking away the only job Betula’s ever gonna land in this town? Or because you’re sweet on her?
STAN
Also she is bigger than me and can mash me into pulp.
GUBBIN
She can’t cook.
STAN
She can! She’s still just getting used to cooking for humans.
GUBBIN
Hah. Still getting used to cooking, period.
STAN
What about all those special troll dishes that she cooks for you?
GUBBIN
Tell ya a secret. The kid’s pretty bad at those too.
STAN
Oh.
GUBBIN
Time for you to get in there and get firing.
STAN
Wait—me?
GUBBIN
I’m running the bar.
STAN
She’s your niece.
GUBBIN
You’re the one that hired her.
STAN
You run the place.
GUBBIN
And you own the place, so I think there is no higher authority on this matter, Mister Gerrard, sir!
STAN
Look, I’m not that kind of manager! See, I’m a “carrot” person more than a “stick” person.
Gubbin shoves a rejected plate into Stan’s hands, and starts steering him toward the door.
GUBBIN
Well, Mister Carrot, time for you to learn some new tricks. Good luck!
STAN
No, no! She’ll wring my neck! Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Yes, she will!
STAN
No no no!
Gubbin pushes Stan into the kitchen, and slams the door behind him.
CROSSFADE TO:
INT. KITCHEN—CONTINUOUS
Food is frying in the background. Betula is busy chopping something with a massive cleaver.
STAN
Hey, Betula!
BETULA
What do you want, Stan?
STAN
Just… checking in and seeing how you’re doing back here.
BETULA
Fine. I’m absolutely fine.
Something boils over and catches on fire. Betula beats down the flames and goes back to her work.
STAN
Oh, that’s… Whoa!
BETULA
Everything is fine.
STAN
Oh, okay. Good. So. Anyway. There’s something I have to tell you.
BETULA
Yeah. Okay. What?
STAN
I have to tell you… You… uh, we…
BETULA
Yes? Get to the point, Stan. Come on.
STAN
I’m afraid a couple of dishes got sent back.
Betula stops in her chopping.
BETULA
Sent back why?
STAN
Various reasons.
BETULA
Like?
STAN
Ehh… that’s just it. I guess they didn’t like.
BETULA
Why the hell not?
STAN
Well, the pancreas poppers had some burnt bits in them…
BETULA
What is the problem with burnt bits?
(she eats one)
Look. Nothing wrong with that. Delicious.
STAN
There was mold on the soup.
BETULA
Yeah, and? Mold is one of the five basic flavours.
STAN
I tried to tell them. Oh, also this, uh… steak.
He picks up the steak and lets it fall back onto the plate with a clunk.
STAN (CONT’D)
They ordered rare.
BETULA
You said rare means burnt.
STAN
Other way round.
BETULA
What?! Okay, fine. So well done is burnt—
STAN
Not quite burnt.
BETULA
—not quite burnt, and rare means raw.
STAN
Not quite raw.
BETULA
You humans are so picky.
STAN
I know. I know. It’s terrible. We’re terrible. But it’s like Gubbin says: the customer is always right.
BETULA
My uncle said that?
STAN
Yeah, okay, it was someone else. But listen, I… have some difficult news.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR—LATER THAT NIGHT
The bar has quieted down.
ZANE
Night, Gubbin!
GUBBIN
Night, Zane.
Zane exits, gagging, as Stan emerges from the kitchen.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Hey, Carrot Boy. You’re alive.
STAN
Yeah. No thanks to you.
GUBBIN
You were in there a long time. How’d she take the news?
STAN
Uh, surprisingly well, actually.
GUBBIN
You actually fired her.
STAN
We… came to kind of a mutual agreement.
GUBBIN
Yeah?
STAN
So. Betula gets a second chance, and an opportunity to develop new dishes that are more in keeping with her established style.
GUBBIN
Her what?
Stan slaps a sheet of paper down on the bar.
STAN
Behold our new menu! Farlorian favourites and home-cooked troll food! Eh? Eh?
GUBBIN
I should save our patrons the trouble and burn the place down myself.
STAN
No, it just makes sense, you know what I mean? You’ll be serving the native cuisine of your homeland… We’ll be famous! We’ll make our culinary mark on this city.
GUBBIN
Listen, I’ve been running this place eight years. You think maybe I know a thing or two about what people wanna eat?
Betula comes out of the kitchen with a plate.
BETULA
All right, boys. Check this out. Kling klangs.
STAN
Awww yeah. What are these, like cookies?
GUBBIN
Yeah, like cookies.
They each bite into one. Stan’s teeth stick instantly.
STAN
(unable to chew)
Mmm! That is really, really interesting.
BETULA
You like ’em?
GUBBIN
Eh. I’ve had worse.
STAN
(teeth still stuck)
I wasn’t expecting them to be so sour. Um, is there a trick to chewing these things?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Have troll teeth.
BETULA
So? Have you looked at the menu?
GUBBIN
Yeah.
BETULA
And?
GUBBIN
Where are you gonna find any of this stuff in town?
BETULA
I know some guys with a boat.
STAN
See? Betula’s got it all worked out. Look at these appetizers!
GUBBIN
Zenyarfüsk? Really?
STAN
What’s zen-yar-fusk?
BETULA
It’s a fish—I think you call it pike?
STAN
Pike! Sure.
GUBBIN
It’s not really pike.
BETULA
Which you bury in the ground for ten years.
STAN
Okay, why?
BETULA
In a special kind of dirt. That preserves it and infuses it with a certain…
STAN
Flavour?
GUBBIN
Texture.
BETULA
Little mineral crystals that make it crunchy.
STAN
Well, that sounds…
BETULA
It’s the best. Right, uncle?
GUBBIN
Sure, it’s good. But you do realize no human is going to eat it.
STAN
I’ll eat it!
GUBBIN
(thinks)
All right, keep it on the menu. I want to see that.
STAN
Um, does this say “vulture”?
BETULA
Yep. Vulture pie.
GUBBIN
Vulture!
STAN
I’ll bet no one else in town has that.
GUBBIN
We are not serving vulture pie.
BETULA
Why not? What’s wrong with vulture?
GUBBIN
Nothing. But pigeons are free.
BETULA
So? Stan, how much would you pay for a nice vulture pie?
STAN
I… I don’t know if I could eat a vulture. They’re kind of…
BETULA
Big?
STAN
Gross.
BETULA
Oh, for heaven’s sake. At least we don’t eat them raw.
GUBBIN
Welcome to the wonderful world of human cuisine.
BETULA
What about gatsenpfeffer?
GUBBIN
They don’t eat cats either.
BETULA
Yes, they do!
GUBBIN
Okay, in Melluria they eat cats. But Farlorians don’t.
BETULA
That makes no sense.
STAN
Cats are so cute. And they hunt mice too.
BETULA
So do ferrets!
GUBBIN
Not a lot of ferrets in human cooking either. Just saying.
BETULA
What? But they have that musk! You mix that with something lighter like fennel, and it’s just… no?
STAN
Um…
GUBBIN
Farlorians eat mostly anything apart from cats, horses and dogs. Except for the Orthodox Dufferites. They eat horses but they don’t eat pigs.
BETULA
So much for my famous One Of Everything Stew.
GUBBIN
And the Church of the Redeemed Bachelor folks won’t eat anything that has the letter A in the name.
STAN
Including meals and snacks.
BETULA
I give up. No one gets any more food. From now on, everyone gets beans. Cold beans.
GUBBIN
Or you could just cook the food on the menu we already have.
BETULA
Nope. Forget it. I’m done.
STAN
Wait… what do you mean, done?
BETULA
Seems like none of my ideas are good enough. Oh well. Bye, guys. Have fun serving your boring human food to your boring human customers.
STAN
No! Wait! I thought they sounded great!
BETULA
Except for gatsenpfeffer and vulture pie. And obviously you didn’t like the kling klangs.
STAN
No, no, they’re good!
BETULA
You don’t have to pretend, Stan.
STAN
No, really! I want to make this work! Gubbin’s the one that wanted me to fire you.
BETULA
Fire me?
GUBBIN
Well, we can only kill so many customers before people get suspicious.
BETULA
You want me gone, huh? Well, surprise, surprise.
GUBBIN
You don’t seem happy here.
BETULA
Sure, I’m happy.
STAN
That’s why he sent me in. He wanted me to be the one to fire you.
BETULA
But you didn’t.
GUBBIN
Yeah, like that was ever gonna happen.
STAN
Wait… You sent me in to not fire Betula?
GUBBIN
Call it a social experiment.
BETULA
So, what… you wanted me to stay all along? You just wanted me to take an interest in my work so I’d do a better job?
GUBBIN
Well, if you’re not gonna beat Stan into the ground and quit in a huff, I guess I’ll take it.
BETULA
Uncle. Stop playing games.
GUBBIN
Games? Who’s playing games?
BETULA
Do you want me to stay or leave? Tell me.
GUBBIN
What? So you can do the opposite?
BETULA
No!
GUBBIN
You just want to do the exact opposite of what I want.
BETULA
Tell me what you want and we’ll find out.
GUBBIN
Oh, I know. Why don’t you follow your heart?
BETULA
Why don’t you fire me?
GUBBIN
Why don’t you act like a grown troll for once? Damn stupid kid.
BETULA
Why don’t you—why don’t you go stick your face in a fjord?
Betula pitches the plate of kling klangs full force into Gubbin’s head, smashing it to bits.
GUBBIN
Ow!
STAN
Betula!
BETULA
“Social experiment.” You just love jerking people around.
She hits him with another plate.
GUBBIN
Nah, I just think you should—Ow! Dammit. Stop breaking my things.
STAN
Please, Betula. Your uncle’s just being a jerk because… I don’t know why! Just ignore him.
BETULA
Yeah, I’m gonna. Even better, I’m gonna ignore him from someplace far away.
She storms upstairs.
GUBBIN
Aw, you going to go pack your twunky-wunky and leavey-weavey?
STAN
Betula, wait!
Stan moves to follow her, but Gubbin puts a hand on his shoulder.
GUBBIN
Oh, I wouldn’t.
STAN
Let go.
GUBBIN
You got little thin human bones, and she’s in a mood.
STAN
Yeah, she is. I wonder why.
GUBBIN
What? You want to experience troll culture? Well, here ya go. This is a typical night with a typical troll family.
STAN
Where you insult each other and throw things.
Gubbin dusts himself off.
GUBBIN
It’s how we show love. Ugh, good aim, that girl.
STAN
Serves you right. Here she comes. You need to apologize to her right now.
Betula reappears, dragging her trunk down the stairs—wham! wham! wham! and then heads out the door.
GUBBIN
Yes, you’re right, Stan. I’ve been a fool and I should apologize.
(to Betula)
Hey! You owe me a week’s rent and two new plates!
BETULA
Go to hell!
GUBBIN
And stop scuffing my floor!
STAN
Wait! Betula!
She slams the door behind her.
GUBBIN
Thank the gods that’s over. Hey kid, pass me the broom.
STAN
Uh-uh. I quit too.
GUBBIN
You can’t quit. You own the place.
STAN
I quit!
He follows Betula into the street. The door swings shut.
GUBBIN
Finally, some peace and quiet.
(beat)
Yeah.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR—LATER STILL
Tools rattle in the front door lock. After a couple of tries, Betula manages to open the door. A cold wind whistles outside as she sneaks in and sets Stan on the floor.
BETULA
(whispers)
All right, we’re here.
STAN
(shivering and barely conscious)
Yaaay. Wait, isn’t this the Axe and Crown?
BETULA
Yeah.
STAN
But… I thought we were running away.
BETULA
I’m running away. You’ve got a life here, helping Uncle run this place.
STAN
Your uncle is a stupid stupid head.
BETULA
Whoa, whoa. Careful! You almost set off the booby trap.
STAN
What booby trap? Whoa!
Betula carefully trips a tripwire. There’s a clunk, a twang, and an arrow thunks into the door.
She sets him down in the kitchen.
BETULA
Just lie down here by the stove and warm up. You’re freezing.
STAN
Why can’t I come with you, Betula?
BETULA
Because you’re fragile. Like a baby bunny. You won’t be able to keep up.
STAN
I can so. How many miles did we just walk?
BETULA
Lots. Look, Stan, I’ve gotta get going before Uncle hears us and comes down.
STAN
I can’t come with you?
BETULA
No. Take care, Stan.
STAN
No, I’m good, just let me rest for a minute and I’ll… be…
Stan trails off as he falls asleep.
BETULA
(sighs)
Sleep tight, little bunny. I’ll miss you.
GUBBIN
“Bunny”?
Betula whirls around.
BETULA
Wha! Uncle!
GUBBIN
Did you just call him “little bunny”?
BETULA
“Buddy”. I said “buddy”.
GUBBIN
Sure you did.
BETULA
I did.
GUBBIN
Why’d you have to go and bring him back?
BETULA
He belongs here. This is his place.
GUBBIN
Eh, technically. What about you?
BETULA
I don’t have a place.
GUBBIN
(grunts)
Your room’s still vacant, if you need it.
BETULA
No. I’m going.
GUBBIN
Suit yourself.
Betuula opens the front door.
BETULA
You take care of him, you hear?
GUBBIN
Sure.
BETULA
Bye, Uncle.
GUBBIN
Night.
She heads out into the windy night.
GUBBIN (CONT’D)
Stupid kid.
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.