A new pub is moving into the warehouse across the street, and Gubbin isn’t pleased.
Episode Transcript
INTRO (ELI)
Welcome back to the Axe and Crown.
Yes! We’ve got six brand new episodes coming at you weekly, while we continue to line up the old ducks for Season Two of Alba Salix.
If you like what you hear, and want to support us in creating MORE Alba, you can do so on our Patreon page. We’ve set up a page there where you can pledge money on a per-episode basis, and get perks like access to our episodes before they go out to the rest of the world, and our recording scripts complete with writer’s commentary, and other behind-the-scenes treats. That’s all at patreon.com/albasalix—and there’ll be a link on our website too.
And now, on with the show. Thanks to Alexander Danner of the podcast Greater Boston for lending his voice on this week’s episode!
MUSIC—OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Seven: Under Construction.
INT. BAR—AFTERNOON
The outside door opens. Stan hums as he wheels in a barrel of ale on a creaking cart.
STAN
Hey, Gubbin. Look what I got.
GUBBIN
Kid, where the hell you been all afternoon?
STAN
Just at the brewery, picking up a new cask of Pete’s Blue Rabbit Ale!
GUBBIN
Oh no. Stan, what have I told you about sullying my tavern with that stuff? It’s so bad, even my regulars won’t touch it.
STAN
People love Pete’s!
GUBBIN
Your poetry-reading loser friends love it. More to the point, it’s what your new crush always orders.
STAN
Hey, hey. She’s not my crush.
GUBBIN
“Oh, she’s so dark and mysterious, like the night!”
STAN
Also Pete’s is cheap. Which equals bigger margins, which equals more money!
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah. Grab an apron. It’s about to get busy in here.
STAN
Sure is! Did you see how many people are working that new construction site? And they’re gonna be good and thirsty coming off their shift.
GUBBIN
Not thirsty enough to drink Pete’s Blue Rabbit.
STAN
Oh yeah? I’ll bet I can sell half this cask before we close tonight.
GUBBIN
You’re on. Oh, here they come.
The door swings open. A handful of workers enter, talking loudly, and sit around the tables.
STAN
Good afternoon, folks! Can I get you a beer? We’ve got a special tonight. Half a crown for a pitcher of Pete’s Blue—
(he realizes who it is)
GUBBIN
Oh no.
BETULA
(loudly, for Gubbin’s benefit)
What? We’re coming here for drinks? To this dump? Oh, hey.
STAN
Betula.
BETULA
Stan. Hi!
GUBBIN
Uh… I’ll be over here.
He retreats to the other end of the bar while Stan and Betula talk.
CUSTOMER
Hey, can we get a couple of beers?
STAN
So you’re back.
BETULA
Yeah. Turns out I’m working just across the street now. Crazy, right?
STAN
Yeah. Crazy.
CUSTOMER
Hello?
STAN
So you’re on the construction site?
BETULA
Yup. Meet the newest member of the Builders and Bricklayers’ Guild.
STAN
Really? You got into the Guild? Hey, congrats.
BETULA
Yeah, thanks. Lots of new building starting up lately, so they’ve been hiring like crazy. I just started my apprenticeship there this week.
STAN
I always knew you could do it.
BETULA
Thanks Stan.
CUSTOMER
Can we get a couple of beers over here?
BETULA
Things going well here?
STAN
Oh yeah, yeah. It’s good, it’s good. We’re getting more bands in on Fridays and Saturdays. Oh, and I started taking a correspondence course in business management.
BETULA
Oh hey, good for you.
STAN
And Gubbin’s… you know. He’s himself.
BETULA
I know.
STAN
You want a drink?
BETULA
Yeah, actually.
STAN
We’ve got a special on Pete’s Blue Rabbit.
BETULA
Oh… no thanks.
(to Gubbin)
Oh, barkeep…!
GUBBIN
Yeah?
CUSTOMER
Uh, hello, we were next.
GUBBIN
What are you doing here?
BETULA
Just stopping in at the local for a beer with my friends from work.
GUBBIN
Uh huh? You gonna pay for that beer?
BETULA
Yes.
GUBBIN
With real money?
BETULA
Yep. I got a steady job now, see.
GUBBIN
Aren’t we special.
BETULA
Yeah, we are. See? Genuine Farlorian.
Betula slaps a coin on the bar.
GUBBIN
Sure.
BETULA
I’ll have a pint of your finest dishwater, please.
GUBBIN
You watch your language, young lady.
Gubbin starts pouring a beer.
BETULA
Ooh, wait. Can you make it a Golden Goose instead? You know, with the little umbrella and everything?
GUBBIN
In your dreams.
BETULA
I’ll give you a good tip!
GUBBIN
Here’s your beer. Get your own damn umbrella.
BETULA
Got anything to eat?
GUBBIN
You know we don’t.
STAN
The kitchen’s back to being closed again.
BETULA
I figured.
GUBBIN
So. What’s this thing they got you guys building across the street?
BETULA
We’re converting the old warehouse. Marco the foreman said it was gonna be some kind of pub.
GUBBIN
A pub.
STAN
Ooh, competition. Exciting!
BETULA
Yeah. It’s supposed to be called the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
Really!
GUBBIN
Tell me you didn’t just say “Bucket”.
BETULA
Yeah, why?
Gubbin goes to the window and yanks the curtain open.
CUSTOMER
Come on! What do we gotta do to get some service?
GUBBIN
“Future home of the Badger and—” Oh, great. First the mob, now you’re working for a Bucket Pub.
STAN
What’s wrong with Bucket Pubs?
BETULA
Yeah. It’s just a pub, isn’t it?
GUBBIN
Damn things are everywhere now. The Horse and Bucket, the Walrus and Bucket, Ye Olde Bucket O’ Hooch…
BETULA
All owned by the same people?
GUBBIN
Nah. They do this weird fealty thing.
STAN
It’s pretty neat, actually. We’re doing a module on it later in my course.
GUBBIN
A “module”?
STAN
See, anyone can open a Bucket Pub, as long as they swear allegiance to the Bucket Lords and do everything by the book… They’re not actual lords, by the way. That’s just the name of their company.
BETULA
Ah.
GUBBIN
So they all got the same menu, the same decorations, the same signs with those stupid pictures…
STAN
Hey, I love their sign! Heh. It’s funny because the badger looks like he’s throwing up in the bucket, do you see that?
GUBBIN
Oughta be a law against those places.
BETULA
Why?
GUBBIN
They’re fake. They’re supposed to look like a real dive, the kind of place your average well-to-do lady or gentleman would be afraid to set foot in. But inside they’re all nice and clean, not a spot on the silverware…
BETULA
Gosh, that sounds just terrible.
STAN
I know, right? Clean, and friendly, and you know you’re gonna get what you expect.
GUBBIN
You should hate them! You with all your authentic real-life Mud Street crap.
STAN
It’s a smart business model. But I mean, yeah, I think people will see the difference and come to a place that has real heart, real soul…
BETULA
Real dirty tankards.
GUBBIN
Say, why don’t you go party with your new “colleagues” over there?
BETULA
Fine.
Betula picks up her beer and moves off.
CUSTOMER
Hello! Barkeep!
GUBBIN
So. We got competition.
STAN
Yeah. I guess we’re going to have to start improving this place. Keeping up with the Bucket Lords, right?
GUBBIN
Right. I know what we can do.
STAN
That’s the spirit, Gubbin. Competition fosters innovation and creativity.
GUBBIN
True enough. True enough. Stan, you know those buddies of yours painted our sign?
STAN
Yeah, sure, why?
GUBBIN
Got a little project for them.
STAN
Okay, I’ll let them know.
(beat)
Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Yeah, Stan.
STAN
I guess I really don’t know much about trolls.
GUBBIN
What do you want, a book?
STAN
Do you think Betula likes me?
GUBBIN
She hasn’t killed you yet.
STAN
Yeah, okay, I know, but seriously.
GUBBIN
Oh, you mean, does she like you in that way.
STAN
Yes.
GUBBIN
That flowers and candy kind of way.
STAN
Yes.
GUBBIN
That romantic, boy-meets-girl, kissy-kissy kind of… ugh, never mind.
STAN
Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Look, you wanna know what she’s feeling deep down, you gotta ask her.
STAN
You’re a troll, she’s a troll, I thought you might—
GUBBIN
She’s a troll woman. Not really my field of expertise.
STAN
Well, okay, but…
GUBBIN
Ask her. That’s how troll courtship starts. One person or the other comes up and says, “I want to court you.”
STAN
Really? That’s it?
GUBBIN
Yeah.
STAN
And if she says no?
GUBBIN
Then she says no. That’s it. Easy.
STAN
Easy!
GUBBIN
Now, if she says yes… then it gets complicated.
STAN
How so?
GUBBIN
There’s tests and trials… It’s probably gonna end in tears or major injury, but whatever. You go for it.
STAN
Just ask.
GUBBIN
Yup.
STAN
All right! Thanks Gubbin.
GUBBIN
Uh huh.
(under his breath)
Help! Help! I’m a tender little flower! Don’t hurt me!
(makes squishing noises)
STAN
You missed her too, didn’t you.
GUBBIN
Eh.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me! Can we get two beers?!
GUBBIN
Shut your goddamn pie hole, I’m coming.
STAN
“Hi Betula! I want to court you.” “Hi, Betula—” I’ll work on it.
MUSIC STING
INT. BAR—LATER
BETULA
Hey Stan. What do I owe?
STAN
Oh, it’s on the house.
BETULA
No.
STAN
Yes! Welcome back.
BETULA
Aww, you’re the best.
STAN
Hey, listen, I… want to ask you. Did you… did you go anywhere interesting?
BETULA
Interesting?
STAN
Yeah. After you ran away. Did you head east, like you were planning to?
BETULA
Mostly I’ve just been here in Grandville.
STAN
You were here? All this time?
BETULA
Yeah.
STAN
You didn’t come back to visit?
BETULA
Well, after that little argument with Uncle…
STAN
Right. No. Right. Say no more.
(beat)
It’s just that, well, you know. Maybe it’s just me, but I thought that maybe there might be a chance of you and me being, like, a thing.
BETULA
A “thing”.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
Uh… what kind of thing?
STAN
It’s an expression, you know, I want to… uh…
BETULA
You want to be a thing.
STAN
Yes. Yes.
BETULA
You mean, turning into a thing? That sounds more like a curse.
STAN
No, not like that. Ha ha, I mean, hopefully not! I just want to—
BETULA
I’m just confused. So we’re trying not to turn into things?
STAN
No, no. A thing.
BETULA
Both of us… turning into one thing. Like, merging?
STAN
I mean… yeah. Poetically, that’s nice. Kind of. Sort of, yeah.
BETULA
No, no. That sounds frightening.
STAN
Yeah. No. But that kind of thing. Both of us, together. In a romantic way.
BETULA
Oh, okay. Romantic… as in marriage.
STAN
Well, not right away! But, you know…
BETULA
Oh.
STAN
In the sense of a chain of events that might one day culminate in…
BETULA
Oh. You and me.
STAN
Sure.
BETULA
Marriage.
STAN
Well.
Betula starts laughing. Stan laughs along with her, until she eventually stops herself.
BETULA
Sorry, sorry. It’s just—you thought we were a “thing”?
STAN
No! No! I thought that maybe you thought that.
BETULA
Oh! Really? Did I say something?
STAN
I dunno, it was more just a feeling. I mean, trolls and humans, there’s bound to be some…
BETULA
Misunderstandings.
STAN
Yes. Exactly.
BETULA
Well, for the record, if I wanted to court, I’d have said so.
STAN
Okay, that’s good. That’s very, very clear.
BETULA
‘Cause you and me, we’re friends.
STAN
Right. Yes. Thank you.
BETULA
You’re my little human buddy. You’re all cute and squishy, you’re always super nice and help me out with everything.
STAN
Yeah, that’s—exactly. I mean, I try.
BETULA
Gods, I hope you weren’t pining for me all this time.
STAN
Me? Naw. I’m good. I totally have a girlfriend and everything…
BETULA
You do? Oh, I’m glad! What’s she like?
STAN
Oh, she’s a poet, you know… very dark and brooding.
BETULA
That sounds like quite a match.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
Well, tell her she’d better not let you down. Eh?
STAN
Okay.
BETULA
No one hurts my little buddy.
STAN
Thanks.
BETULA
Well, I should, uh… I should get going. Gotta be back across the street in the morning. Thanks for the beer, huh? I’ll see you tomorrow.
STAN
Yeah, you’re welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Betula heads out with some of her co-workers.
GUBBIN
You all right, kid?
STAN
Permission to go and die in a corner, sir?
GUBBIN
Well, like I say, it’s probably better than if she said yes.
STAN
Better how?
GUBBIN
Troll courtship gets complicated. The lady’s supposed to name a big test or trial for her suitor before he can win her hand.
STAN
What kind of trials?
GUBBIN
Could be a quest, could be a riddle, could be “build a house”. Depends oh what she’s after.
STAN
So is it different for guys? Did you make Johann do a big test?
GUBBIN
Nah.
STAN
No, wait. Which one of you was, you know, the lady?
GUBBIN
None of us was the lady. Though I guess I did kind of challenge him to learn to cook troll food…
STAN
Ah! So you were the lady.
GUBBIN
Eh, fair enough.
STAN
Awww, that’s sweet.
GUBBIN
No it’s not. Night, Stan.
STAN
Good night, Gubbin.
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.
Wondering what to listen to next? We are huge fans of Greater Boston, set in an imaginary Boston full of weird and wonderful characters. Look it up in your favourite podcast app.