A new neighbourhood organization aims to clean up Mud Street and Gubbin isn’t impressed. Meanwhile, Stan and Betula have a talk.
Episode Transcript
MUSIC—OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown. Episode Nine: Selected Shades of Pink.
INT. BAR—MORNING
Stan leafs through the newspaper.
STAN
Uh… “Nannies wanted.”
BETULA
Maybe if I knew the first thing about human babies.
STAN
Oh, hey, “Mysticorp Energy—now hiring workers for new headquarters.” Oh wait, sorry, that one’s construction too.
BETULA
Yeah, and I’m blacklisted from every guild in town.
STAN
Right. Well, maybe next week.
BETULA
I can’t believe Uncle lost me my job.
STAN
Really?
BETULA
I can totally believe Uncle lost me my job.
STAN
That’s more like it. Well, you can help me clean up around here. Pass me that tankard.
She does. He starts washing up.
BETULA
(sighs, then)
So. How’s things with your girlfriend?
STAN
Well… she’s not exactly—she’s—I mean—we’re not… Girlfriend, that’s such a social construct, you know? Is she a girl who is also a friend? Is she a friend who is a girl? Shut up, Stan. Right? I’m shutting up now. That’s what I’m doing.
BETULA
Does this vixen who stole your sanity have a name?
STAN
Aura. Her name is Aura.
BETULA
Uh huh. Is she cute?
STAN
Yeah. Aw shucks. She has this way of pouting when she’s angry. These little dimples just form right here. It sort of actually makes me want to upset her. Is that wrong?
BETULA
Sounds like she’s got you right where she wants you.
STAN
Oh yeah. Totally. And you should see her hair—- redder than an ogre’s cheeks. And she has these gossamer wings that you wouldn’t think would hold her up, at least I didn’t think so. And then she dresses in all black. Very mysterious. And, you know, her choice in makeup is a little unusual, but it’s cool. You know? She’s cool.
BETULA
Wings, huh?
STAN
Yeah. I know, right? And a tattoo!
BETULA
You don’t say.
STAN
Right on her…
(whispers)
That place where her pixie wings meet her lower back.
BETULA
You’re dating a pixie?
STAN
I mean, I haven’t actually, you know, asked her out yet. But aside from that small, insignificant technicality…
BETULA
Still. I’m happy for you, Stan.
STAN
Thanks. Me too.
Stan goes on washing the tankards.
STAN (CONT’D)
You know, I was sort of upset when you didn’t come back.
BETULA
Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.
STAN
I really like you, Betula. And…
BETULA
I like you too, Stan. Just not as a boyfriend.
STAN
No, I know. I get it. But you know, maybe I could be just your friend, who happens to be a boy. Or the other way around. That works too.
BETULA
Yeah. I’d like that. Friends.
STAN
Woo hoo! And we can totally help each other out with advice on girls. And guys! I do know a thing or two about guys, you know.
BETULA
I’ll take your word for it.
STAN
Oh! Oh! We can go shopping together! I am the best at picking out tunic embroidery patterns.
BETULA
How about just trading advice for now?
STAN
Right. Good idea. Like—hey! Brain explosion! How do I ask out Aura? Do you know much about pixies?
BETULA
Well… don’t tell Gubbin, but I may have dated one.
STAN
What! How perfect is this? See, we’re sharing! Best friends ever! What was his name?
BETULA
She. Her name was Luciola.
STAN
Her… what?
BETULA
It was back in college. I’d never been outside Trølsund, so I’d never met pixies before. Whew… she was a firecracker.
STAN
Say! Look at how dirty these tankards are.
BETULA
You don’t want to hear about it? Oh. Is this one of those human double vision things?
STAN
What? Oh, you mean double standard. No, no, it’s not one of those.
BETULA
Uh huh.
STAN
No, no. It’s totally cool. So cool that I can’t even tell you how cool, because the telling you of the coolness would not itself be cool.
BETULA
Right.
He returns to washing.
STAN
How would you even kiss? Wait… did she fly? Or would you have to crouch down? How… Oh, hey Gubbin!
Gubbin enters the bar.
GUBBIN
Stan. Betula.
BETULA
What’s in the bag?
GUBBIN
Huh? This? Nothing. Just mind your own business. Aren’t there dishes to do or something?
STAN
All done! Betula helped! What have you been up to?
GUBBIN
Oh. Nothing, just out and about.
BETULA
You don’t do “out”. Or “about”.
STAN
Yeah… What were you doing outside?
GUBBIN
What is this, the Mellurian inquisition?
STAN
Just asking. Oh! Did you see the big hoarding they put up last night across the street last night?
GUBBIN
Hard to miss.
STAN
Betula and I were trying to figure out what they were working on. I think it’s a third storey!
GUBBIN
Don’t know, don’t care. I want that woman and her make-believe bar off my street.
STAN
What, you mean Dorothea? She’s actually really nice once you get to know her.
GUBBIN
Oh, so you’re buddies now? Surprise, surprise.
STAN
Dorothea’s got big plans. Even beyond the Badger and Bucket. Did you know she’s forming an alliance of all the businesses along this side of the river? I told her we’d join. We just have to clean up a few things.
GUBBIN
I knew it. She’s taking over.
STAN
No. It’s to build community, improve the neighbourhood… That’s what the the ELBO District Coalition is all about.
BETULA
Elbow District?
STAN
That’s the name of this neighbourhood.
GUBBIN
Thought it was called “Mud Street”.
STAN
It stands for East of the Lookout Bridge Overpass.
BETULA
And the W stands for…?
STAN
There’s no W. It’s just E‑L-B‑O.
GUBBIN
See, they can’t even spell.
STAN
You guys are missing the point. ELBO is about renewal. Breathing new life into a beloved old neighbourhood.
GUBBIN
Ooo, look at the developer talk. I see why you like her.
STAN
Look, we just want to make the neighbourhood nicer.
GUBBIN
See, that’s the problem. You make a place “nice” and suddenly people want to live here…
STAN
Oh. Goodness. People. Gosh. Don’t want any of those living here.
GUBBIN
And the nicer it gets, the more they want to come here. And they start trying to outbid each other. Until only the rich people can afford to live in the nice place and everyone else gets sent packing. That is what’s wrong with “nice”.
BETULA
What do they mean by renewal? What do they actually do?
STAN
Well, one, they’re lobbying the mayor for more town guards in the area to crack down on illegal activities.
GUBBIN
Illegal activities? Right here in the “ELBO”? Surely you jest.
STAN
No, it’s rife with crime! There’s muggings, there’s graffiti… yesterday some guy tried to sell me spiked gingerbread. And “crennies”, I think? I have no idea what those even are.
BETULA
They’re crenulated spirits. They’re this alchemical thing. Back in school, people used to take ’em when they were studying for exams.
STAN
Oh yeah, those! You literally like, speed up, right?
BETULA
Right. Well, I don’t.
GUBBIN
Yeah, sure, you’d never partake.
BETULA
I’m too big. The smaller you are, the more it speeds you up. Heh… when Luciola took them she was pretty much in three places at once and…
STAN
Well! Anyway. That’s one thing we won’t have to worry about if Dorothea gets her way.
GUBBIN
Every mayor that comes in says they’re gonna clean up the streets.
STAN
Yeah, but the ELBO District Coalition is serious. And get this—they’re going to offer money to places that want to renovate…
GUBBIN
And they’ll be charging how many hundred percent in interest?
STAN
Their rates aren’t that bad. But they do have to raise money to pay for all the improvements. As Dorothea says, “Membership has its privileges. And its dues.” Here.
Stan produces a flyer.
GUBBIN
Is this for real?
STAN
See, members get discounts from local suppliers. Look at this—half price on pink paint from Squigley’s Pigments!
GUBBIN
Just what we need.
BETULA
Yeah, that sounds very you, Uncle. Why only pink paint?
STAN
Well, there was this decree for the Queen’s big birthday celebration. Every building within sight of the Palace had to be painted in royally approved shades of pink.
GUBBIN
That was months ago.
STAN
Right, but it’s still in force. A direct decree from the Palace, and you do not want to mess with the Bailiff’s Office. The fine for having an off-colour building is still four hundred crowns.
BETULA
Four hundred?
GUBBIN
It was a pretty expensive birthday party.
BETULA
(scoffs)
Queens.
STAN
But with the discount, the paint should only run us about seventy-five.
(he turns over the flyer)
I’m thinking maybe the Salmon Sunrise would look good. Or Flustered Flamingo.
BETULA
Ooh. I kind of like Iced Raspberry.
STAN
That might clash with our sign. What about the Presumptuous Coral?
GUBBIN
Uh. No. No painting. We’re not within sight. You can’t even see the Palace until you’re halfway down River Street.
STAN
But the discount!
GUBBIN
No painting. No pink!
From outside comes the sound of wood splintering and giving way with a massive crash. Betula and Stan rush to the window.
STAN
Whoa!
BETULA
Kriispar flekkin! What was that?
GUBBIN
Uh. No idea.
BETULA
The new hoarding across the street just fell down.
STAN
Oh my gosh! Is anyone hurt?
GUBBIN
‘Course no one’s hurt. It’s Sunday. No one on site.
BETULA
What about the security guard?
GUBBIN
He’s probably around the other side of the building.
BETULA
Probably!
STAN
I’m gonna go check.
He rushes out.
BETULA
What did you do, Uncle?
GUBBIN
Nothing! I did nothing to that hoarding.
BETULA
To the hoarding.
GUBBIN
But on my way past, I did notice they got a big pitchwood beetle infestation. Serves them right for using cheap imported lumber.
BETULA
You wouldn’t have anything to do with the sudden appearance of these beetles.
GUBBIN
They’re there naturally! Pretty much any piece of pitchwood in the world is full of ’em. There’s just no way you can stop them, just slow them down.
BETULA
Or speed them up.
GUBBIN
Now why would someone want to do that?
Stan returns.
STAN
It’s okay, no one’s hurt. But the hoarding all fell down… and you guys are not gonna believe what was behind it.
BETULA
Try us.
They all peer out the window.
GUBBIN
Yeah, let’s see. Wait, they took all the walls off.
STAN
Exactly! The Badger and Bucket is the first of a new concept in patio pubs! The entire bar is a patio! It’s like having a pie without the crust! And then icing on top of where the crust would be! And ice cream put on top of the icing—
GUBBIN
A patio. That’s it?
STAN
This was totally my idea. But so much cooler!
GUBBIN
Yeah. Great minds think alike.
STAN
But who would build the hoarding so rickety that it would just come crashing down like that? Someone could have been killed!
BETULA
Yeah, Uncle. Who indeed?
GUBBIN
I dunno. And in my neighbourhood, too. Stan, you better alert the Armpit Coalition.
STAN
ELBO.
GUBBIN
Shameful.
BETULA
I’ll say. Causing damage, giving illicit potions to the pitchwood beetles…
STAN
Giving the what to the what?
GUBBIN
I have no idea what she’s on about.
BETULA
Every board in that hoarding is full of beetles, apparently. So what would happen if you, I don’t know, let’s say, fed those beetles crenulated spirits?
GUBBIN
Preposterous.
STAN
They’d probably go nuts and eat everything. Wait. You think that’s what happened?
BETULA
I have my suspicions.
STAN
But who would do a thing like that?
BETULA
(clears her throat)
STAN
Gubbin! No. You didn’t. You didn’t. Did you? You didn’t!
GUBBIN
I can neither confirm nor deny any involvement in such things…
STAN
Oh… geez! What if they finish eating all the hoarding, and they’re still hungry? Did you think of that? What if they come over here looking for more?
GUBBIN
Nah. These are oak beams. They wouldn’t touch ’em! And pitchwood beetles like it dry. They’re not gonna cross all that mud.
BETULA
See? Nothing to worry about. Uncle’s got it all worked out.
There’s another huge crash from across the street.
BETULA (CONT’D)
Yup.
GUBBIN
Now what?
STAN
Oh my gosh.
BETULA
That was the old shack next to the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
I’ll be right back.
He heads out again.
BETULA
So. Do you figure it was made of pitchwood too?
GUBBIN
Yeah. Probably.
BETULA
You don’t sound so sure this time.
GUBBIN
Uh, I’m just hoping no one got injured.
BETULA
Well, why don’t you go out and help Stan check?
GUBBIN
I think maybe I’ll get a pail and go wet down the mud in front of our place, just to be on the safe side, you know?
As he does, Stan returns.
STAN
So, good news… Looks like no one was in there. And it’s vacant too. The bad news is, the beetles are still on the move.
BETULA
Nice one, Uncle.
STAN
But the other good news is, between the two, we’ve got an amazing view!
GUBBIN
Oh! Whoa!
STAN
Look, you can see the north shore, and then all the way up to the palace.
Pause.
GUBBIN
Ohhh, dammit.
BETULA
The palace, huh?
STAN
So the other other good news…
GUBBIN
Uh, fifty percent off pink paint?
STAN
If we join.
GUBBIN
Ugh.
BETULA
So. Salmon, or Flustered Flamingo?
MUSIC—CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen.
Recorded in Toronto at Trench Recordings.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
The Axe & Crown is a Forgery League production. To find out more, visit forgeryleague.com.
Want something else fantastical to listen to? We love the sardonically witty epic The Once and Future Nerd. Look for it wherever you listen to podcasts. We’ll see you next week.