Stan and Betula set out to design the perfect cocktail.
A full-length bonus episode from our Patreon archives!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King
Written and directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Sound design by Eli McIlveen
Produced by Sean Howard
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona
Content warning: drinking, illness and bodily functions.
ELI
Hi everyone! Hope you’re well out there.
It’s Eli here, and we thought it was time to open up the vaults again and release a few of our favourite Patreon bonuses from the past little while.
This one’s an Axe and Crown special inspired by… okay, I mean you’ve heard podcasts, right? You might recognize the inspiration for this one. It’s called “A Dangerous Cocktail”.
Music sting.
THE BAR
Stan tears open an envelope.
STAN
Hey Gubbin, we should really go through the mail more often.
GUBBIN
Yeah, like I need more bills.
STAN
Well yeah, there are a lot of those. But every envelope holds a chance of something special.
Hey, look, a flyer!
GUBBIN
Ooo! Not just mail, but junk mail! Excuse me while I contain my excitement.
STAN
Actually, this sounds pretty cool. Pestle and Mix: A cocktail subscription service.
GUBBIN
A what?
STAN
Look at this! They send you a box of cocktail supplies every month.
GUBBIN
Cocktails, schmocktails. This is a bar, not some cutesy little North Side night club.
STAN
Hey, bars can serve cocktails. Hello? People like to try new things, you know—get out of their comfort zone and live a little?
GUBBIN
Well, this here barkeep is quite comfortable in his comfort zone. That’s why it’s called a comfort zone, and he’s in it. Thank you very much.
STAN
You know the Blue Pantaloons by the Palace? They have an artist on staff who will sketch your cocktail before you drink it.
GUBBIN
Why would anyone want a picture of their drink?
STAN
You share it with your friends, so they see how amazingly perfect your life is.
BETULA
What are you two up to?
GUBBIN
Starting to doubt humanity again…
STAN
Betula, you talk to him.
BETULA
About?
STAN
Let’s put some cocktail drinks on the menu. Jazz things up a little bit.
GUBBIN
No. What the hell is “jazz”? No. Just no.
STAN
Fine. I’m sorry I brought it up. I’ll just throw this away.
He starts to crumple up the flyer.
BETULA
No, no, let’s see that.
“Three new recipes every month from Farloria’s top bartenders.”
STAN
They send you a box with all the ingredients. We just add the alcohol.
GUBBIN
What’s wrong with just drinking the alcohol we already have?
STAN
This is about the experience. A night out wearing your very best, laughing and jibing with your college buddies. As if the whole town was your oyster!
GUBBIN
Yeah. The last thing we need is a bunch of entitled, loudmouth whelps running around my bar, puking on my floor because they can’t keep their oysters down.
STAN
Come on, Gubbin. Here, look. Look at this one. Doesn’t that look tasty?
GUBBIN
Ugh. I drink my alcohol like a real troll, thank you.
BETULA
You know, maybe Stan’s on to something. Cocktail culture is big in Melluria, and now it’s starting to show up here. I hear there’s even a cocktail bar back in Trølsund.
GUBBIN
Ugh. Now I really don’t need to go back.
BETULA
I think it’s called De Appel Tvig.
STAN
You see, Gubbin? We need to jump on this bandwagon before it sails!
GUBBIN
I don’t know if you two have looked around lately, but this ain’t exactly a high-end Palace Street establishment. Who the hell do you think is gonna come here to the Axe and Crown for cocktails?
STAN
No, listen! The down-and-out vibe is totally in. Slumming it, diving in, living life like a Mellurian artiste—starving, yet sophisticated.
GUBBIN
Stop.
BETULA
I’m not saying this is gonna work. But the city crowd would bring pretty fat wallets.
Silence.
GUBBIN
Okay, I’m listening.
STAN
So this Pestle and Mix service gives us the recipes. All we need are the cocktail glasses!
BETULA
And maybe we could all take a bath and dress up a little?
STAN
Yeah, all of us.
GUBBIN
Why are you all looking at me?
(scoffs)
Can you picture me in a suit and tie?
STAN
C’mon. What do you say, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
Ugh. You guys are exhausting. All right, all right. How much is this cocktail box going to run us, anyway?
STAN
Here.
GUBBIN
WHAT?
(he snatches the flyer from Stan)
40 crowns! Are you insane? Your hoity-toity bourgeois clowns can just sip unadulterated ale out of big person glasses like the rest of us!
STAN
But that’s not really—
BETULA
Stan, how much do these cocktails go for? By the glass?
STAN
I dunno, last time I was at the Blue Pantaloons, I think it was about eight crowns per drink?
GUBBIN
Eight crowns.
STAN
Maybe nine? I dunno. It’s a bit hazy. Those drinks go down pretty easy, ha ha.
Long pause.
GUBBIN
Let’s get one thing straight. We’re not spending 40 crowns.
STAN
The recipes are sort of important.
GUBBIN
Then you two geniuses can get creative and come up with your own recipes.
STAN
Woo hoo! Signature Axe and Crown cocktails!
GUBBIN
Yeah, whatever. Just don’t kill my patrons, okay?
Music sting.
A FEW DAYS LATER
Stan enters carrying a box of cocktail glasses.
GUBBIN
Hey Stan.
STAN
Hey guys! Look! The new cocktail glasses are ready. I had them put axes on half and crowns on the other half.
He sets the box on the bar and opens it. Gubbin picks up a glass.
GUBBIN
People drink out of these little things? You can’t even fit a single shot in here.
STAN
Ah, let me educate you, my friend. The glasses are shaped to expose the liquid to the air so you get the full aromatic experience.
GUBBIN
I feel like an idiot just holding it.
The glass in his hand shatters delicately.
STAN
Gubbin!
GUBBIN
I barely touched it!
Betula enters with groceries in a basket.
BETULA
Ooo. Nice glasses.
STAN
Aren’t they cool?
GUBBIN
(grunts)
If they last the night. How are you two coming along with those recipes?
STAN
We’re still experimenting a little, but…
Betula hoists the basket of goods behind the bar.
BETULA
We’ve got a couple promising ones. Now move aside.
GUBBIN
It’s my bar.
BETULA
Not when I’m making the drinks, it isn’t. No. Go. Uncle. Sit. Sit at the bar and behave.
GUBBIN
Fine.
He trudges around the bar and has a seat.
BETULA
Now, this is a work in progress, but I think you’re gonna like it.
Betula pulls down a bottle from the top shelf and sets about mixing a drink.
GUBBIN
Hey, that’s the good stuff!
BETULA
Yup. Plus pomegranate juice and a quick shake… And just three sprigs of burning juniper.
GUBBIN
What? I said no burning stuff!
BETULA
Relax. It’s not literally burning, that’s just what the plant’s called. It’s a garnish.
GUBBIN
Why anyone would doctor perfectly good spirits is beyond me.
STAN
Look, it’s all about…
STAN AND BETULA
…the experience.
BETULA
Here. Just try it, Uncle.
I’m calling it a “Red Kraken”.
GUBBIN
You’ve tainted perfectly good alcohol is what you’ve done.
He takes a noisy sip.
STAN
And?
He downs the rest.
GUBBIN
That is… not bad.
BETULA
He says, after drinking it all in one go.
GUBBIN
Okay, okay. It’s, uh, pretty tasty.
BETULA
Right?
STAN
Woo hoo! Okay, my turn! My turn!
He pushes his way behind the bar and gets to work.
STAN
Okay, watch this. I just need this glass here… thank you… Let’s see, shot of gin.
BETULA
Ow… wait. Stan! Stan, you are making a mess.
STAN
I’m on a roll, let me work. Just gotta squeeze a bit of crangerine into there…
BETULA
You’re standing on my foot. Is that an egg?
STAN
Yup, sure, the egg goes in there, and then we shake-shake-shake-shake-shake, yeah, give it a good little shake, there we go, and…
Stan pours, and sets the shaker down triumphantly.
STAN
Tada!
GUBBIN
What is this?
STAN
I call this a Moonshine Fizz.
The drink fizzes and goes on fizzing.
GUBBIN
Is it supposed to be frothing all over my bar?
STAN
Still perfecting the ratios.
GUBBIN
Uh huh. Betula, would you care to…?
BETULA
Nope. All you, Uncle.
GUBBIN
(deep breath)
Okay. Here goes.
STAN
Wait! Hold on! You can’t just drink it.
GUBBIN
What am I supposed to do with it? Let it fizz all over me?
STAN
(sighs)
You have to smell it first. Breathe in the aromas and textures by waving it into your nose and taking deep breaths like this. Just bring it up to—
(he tries and breaks into a coughing fit)
GUBBIN
Or I could just drink it.
Gubbin downs it in one go.
STAN
(still coughing)
…the… experience…
BETULA
So?
GUBBIN
It’s drinkable.
STAN
…told you…
GUBBIN
Why’s there gotta be egg in it, though?
STAN
(coughing)
Gives it body.
GUBBIN
Eh. Look. These taste fine. But we can do better.
BETULA
Oh, you think so?
GUBBIN
I do. Step aside.
BETULA
(laughing)
All right. This I gotta see.
They trade places.
GUBBIN
You’re getting stuck on all these expensive ingredients, eggs and crangerine and burning whatever-the-hells… You gotta think simpler. You gotta think profit margin.
He pours from two flasks at once into a glass.
BETULA
My mouth is watering already.
GUBBIN
All right, just a little bit of this… I’m gonna wave this over here, I’m gonna infuse it like this, I’m gonna put a little foam on it like this… dah dah da da… Ha ha!
I give you the newest Mud Street sensation! I call it “Dram Lake”.
He pushes the glass across the bar.
STAN
(recovering)
I’m afraid.
BETULA
Hit me.
Betula takes a sip. Then another.
GUBBIN
How’s that?
BETULA
It tastes like cheap whiskey that’s been mixed with… river water?
GUBBIN
Ya got it in one. Simple. Honest. Clean!
STAN
Is that safe?
GUBBIN
That’s goblin moonshine. Anything it doesn’t kill deserves to live. And at six crowns a drink, we’re going to be able to buy a title and land.
BETULA
Well then, your lordship… add in a garnish and I think you have something. Maybe some fish scales and mud on the rim?
GUBBIN
Sure, if you really gotta make it fancy.
(clutches his stomach)
Ugh!
An ominous gurgling sound.
BETULA
Okay, we can keep it “neat” if you prefer.
GUBBIN
(groans)
STAN
You’re looking a little bluer than normal there, Gub.
BETULA
Uncle?
The gurgling turns into a bubbling roar.
GUBBIN
(gasps and reaches out to support himself)
What… what did you put in those drinks? Hnnngh!
BETULA
Oh no. He’s going to blow! Get down!
GUBBIN
Oh no, the other end! AAAAArrgh!
INT. BAR—LATER
Dripping sounds.
Stan and Betula are cleaning up the bar and trying not to vomit.
STAN
Oh gods… there’s more behind the bottles!
BETULA
(groans)
STAN
It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t… for all the different colours… and the smell…
BETULA
No, no, stop.
Oh, there’s some in the cash register. No. I have to take a break.
She sits down heavily.
STAN
He’s gonna be okay, though, right?
BETULA
Yeah. Alba said for him to just get lots of fluids and to stay in the bathroom until it’s done… you know, passing.
Gubbin staggers back in.
STAN
Hey, Gubbin. Gubbin. Should you really be in here?
GUBBIN
It’s my bar. I’ll damn well go where I please.
BETULA
Yeah, you proved that point.
GUBBIN
Har har har.
STAN
Look, I’m so sorry, guys. This was all my idea. And I’m pretty sure that egg was off.
BETULA
No, no, some trolls are allergic to burning juniper, it turns out. To say nothing of the river water.
GUBBIN
We all had a part to play in this.
STAN
Yeah.
I’m gonna put the glasses in the basement and we can just put this all behind us.
GUBBIN
Why? We’re not giving up.
STAN
What?
GUBBIN
You wanna make money, we gotta take some risks.
STAN
Yeah, but…
GUBBIN
You learn from those risks and the mistakes and move forward.
STAN
Really? You mean it?
GUBBIN
Sure.
STAN
‘Cause I have this amazing idea for a cocktail that you light on fire.
GUBBIN
Stan…
STAN
Look, look. Ye Olde Pointed Hatte has these “Spirits” nights where these two cool librarian ladies talk about mythology and mix all kinds of wild new drinks—including flaming ones. I just haven’t worked out how to put the flames out so people can drink it.
GUBBIN
I said, no burning down my bar!
BETULA
Maybe it would be a good idea if we just got a subscription from Pestle and Mix.
GUBBIN
(sighs)
Ugh. Yeah, okay Fine. there should be 40 crowns in the till.
BETULA
Uh-uh.
GUBBIN
What?
BETULA
About the till…
GUBBIN
What about the till.
He looks.
GUBBIN
Oh. Yeah, sorry.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ELI
This bonus episode of the Axe & Crown starred Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written by Sean Howard. Directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard, with sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona.
OUTTAKE
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Okay, there should be 40 towns…
STAN (ART CARLSON)
There are 40 towns in Melluria! I know that from my Geography class!
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
And they each have their own unique cuisine. Which seems to have come out of me in the last 12 hours.
Laughter.