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Bonus Episode: The Axe & Crown S2 — Drubbin Drops In

A mysterious visitor comes to call, and Stan is deeply confused.

Starring Hugo Jones, Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King
Written by Marisa King
Directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard
Sound design by Eli McIlveen
Content warning: electrocution.

ELI

Hi everyone! It’s Eli here with a bonus scene from The Axe & Crown. This one was originally a Patreon bonus from Season 2, but we thought we’d share it with the world this week. It’s called “Drubbin Drops In”. Sean thought of the original idea, and then we shipped it over to Marisa, who actually wrote this episode. We laughed a lot during the recording of this episode, which you’ll hear after the credits. Enjoy.

Music sting.

INT. BAR—DAY

The door opens and heavy footsteps enter.

STAN

Oh hey, Gubbin! Hey, I thought you were going for your mud bath.

There’s only a grunt in reply.

STAN

But while you’re here, check this out! You know how I’m always looking for a little something extra to set us apart from the other brunch places? And here it is. You ready?

Look at these: hibiscus centerpieces! No, I know what you’re thinking. “Hibiscu-what? Sounds like something a centaur hacked up.” No no no. But here’s the kicker. (Hibiscuses? How do you pluralize that? Hibiscum? Hibisceus? Hibiscussesses? Hib… anyway.) They’re edible, see. That’s the point I’m getting to. So, there they are in the middle of the table, looking all nice and pretty, and then all of a sudden, boom! Our customers can just grab a flower to season their dishes whenever they like! Hibiscus pancakes, hibiscus omelettes, hibiscus for both dining and delighting. It’s a festival of hibiscus! It’s a hivestival! Huh? Huh? Pretty good, huh? Right? Gubbin?

DRUBBIN

(very similar to Gubbin, but with a more hoity-toity accent)

Do I look like Gubbin to you?

STAN

Well, I wasn’t gonna say, but you’re maybe a little more… craggy today? Rugged, rugged, that’s a better word. Craggy’s a bad word. But still the same old Gubbin. Why? Did you do something? Oh my gosh you did something and I didn’t notice. I’m such a bad friend. Is it your hair? Did you get a haircut, you sassy boy? Did you—wait, I know what it is, it’s the mudbath! It’s given you that certain special glow!

DRUBBIN

I’m not Gubbin.

STAN

That’s funny, Gub! “I’m not Gubbin.” Hey! “I’m not Stan. Whoa! You’re not Gubbin and I’m not Stan.”

(laughs, then stops)

Wait, wait. Are you having another existential crisis? Gub, what’s going on? Are you feeling all disconnected again? Like the universe is so vast that one big ol’ troll running a bar can’t possibly mean anything to anyone?

DRUBBIN

I’m not Gubbin. I’m his brother.

STAN

(really relishing the part of therapist)

You know what, I hear ya. I hear ya. I’m feeling what you’re giving me right now. I’m doing this. You’re lost in a bit of a troll spiral, I’ve read about these. Sometimes, we all feel like our own brother, don’t we? Like we have to step outside ourselves to really know ourselves.

DRUBBIN

(sighs)

You are exasperating, small man. I am not Gubbin. Are you simple in the head?

STAN

Yes… simple! Just like good old Mud street. That’s what you love about me!

DRUBBIN

Is there anyone else here I can talk to?

STAN

Hey, you can always talk to me. You know that.

(head on Drubbin’s chest)

Are you in there, Gub? It’s me, Stan. Now open up. Let ol’ Stanny in.

DRUBBIN

Get your head off me.

GUBBIN! Hey Gubbin… are you in here someplace?

STAN

Oh, he’s in there someplace. Don’t forget that You just have to look deep inside, Gub. Right here in the ol’ heartbox.

(tapping him on the chest)

You’re feeling a little rough there. Mud bath must have missed a little spot.

DRUBBIN

Ugh, saints preserve me.

GUBBIN!!

Gubbin stomps down the stairs barefoot.

GUBBIN

What the hell’s going on down here? I’m halfway to mudtopia and suddenly I hear all this screaming.

STAN

Oh, Gubbin! Sorry, we didn’t mean to… wait a min… what… hold on, what’s… oh man!

DRUBBIN

Finally, the penny drops!

GUBBIN

Drubbin!

DRUBBIN

Damn right it’s me.

They hug with much slapping of backs.

GUBBIN

What in the craggy cliffs of Klomar are you doing here?!

STAN

Wait—Drub… what… someone help me, please…

GUBBIN

I see you’ve already met Stan.

DRUBBIN

Yeah, the… the charity case?

GUBBIN

Ha! Yeah, that’s him. The landlord here, believe it or not.

STAN

Hey, now. Neither one of you is being nice to me.

DRUBBIN

He thought I was YOU!

GUBBIN

WHAT?!!

They both cackle uproariously.

STAN

No, no! I thought it was a pretty understandable mistake.

GUBBIN

We look completely different.

DRUBBIN

Exactly!

GUBBIN

I’m the bluey-grey one.

DRUBBIN

And I’m the grey-blue one.

GUBBIN

Different as night and day!

STAN

You look exactly the same. I mean, aside from the mud and the towel.

Betula rushes out of the kitchen.

BETULA

Hey Stan… did a seagull just fly through here?

DRUBBIN

Anna Betula?

BETULA

Onkel Drubbin! Vat yu is du heer?

DRUBBIN

De same bak at yu.

STAN

(whispering to Betula)

Quick… point to the one you think is Gubbin.

BETULA

The one I think is Gubbin?

GUBBIN

Stan can’t tell us apart.

BETULA

Really? They’re like Gromskeigel and Shivsmargron. Completely different.

STAN

Uh yes… Groms and Shivsmumble… those guys.

BETULA

Mythical brothers who fought the Skolkraggar—never mind.

STAN

Well, they definitely look like brothers… like twin brothers.

BETULA

(scoffs)

Humans don’t have very good eyesight.

DRUBBIN

Anna Betula! I did not expect to find you here too.

BETULA

It’s a long story, but this is where I ended up. I’m helping run this place now, along with Gubbin and Stan.

DRUBBIN

Stan is the little one?

BETULA

Yes.

STAN

Hi!

DRUBBIN

This little silly one?

BETULA

Uh-huh.

STAN

Heh. Hi. Me. Silly. Little.

DRUBBIN

Well, now I’ve seen everything.

GUBBIN

Never mind the human kid. Grab a stool. What are you drinking?

DRUBBIN

Ah?

A calculating silence as they stare at each other.

GUBBIN

Holspirinki Vodka, eh?

DRUBBIN

Yeah! You remember.

Gubbin fetches a bottle and a glass and pours.

GUBBIN

Course I do. Gods. How long has it been?

DRUBBIN

Too long.

(he drinks)

BETULA

I remember Mama telling me you were off to Gnomensland just because no troll had ever been and you were gonna be the first!

DRUBBIN

And I was, Anni-bet!

BETULA

What’s it like there?

DRUBBIN

Oh! A magical place… the Gnomish culture was a breath of fresh air after the cloistered coves of Dromsfjord.

BETULA

Really? I heard gnomes are pretty suspicious.

DRUBBIN

Well, it helps if you learn to speak their language.

GUBBIN

So if you were living it up in far-off Gnomensland, what brings you to this dump?

DRUBBIN

I am here… to seek my fortune!

GUBBIN

I feel like I should repeat that question.

DRUBBIN

I finally found something I excelled at.

GUBBIN

So there is something you’re good at.

DRUBBIN

(laughs)

Yes, after many years there, I learned the craft of their map-making.

STAN

You know how to make a GPS?

GUBBIN

(scoffs)

I never met a Gnome who’d give away his beer order, never mind the secrets of his ancient craft.

STAN

Wow. What about clockwork?

DRUBBIN

Oh, no, no, no, their clockwork is bonkers. No one can learn that.

STAN

Aww.

DRUBBIN

I learned to construct automated maps in the manner of the gnomes of ancient times. I come to you now with the finest Place Seekers this side of the Northern Mountains.

I’m not allowed to call it a Gnomish Place Seeker, for obvious reasons. But they’re just as accurate, and at a much more affordable price.

He brings out a bag and pulls out some pages.

BETULA

Wow. I thought I’d seen some deluxe Place Seekers, but these are something else. Is that gold ink?

DRUBBIN

Precisely. The blue is lapis lazuli. And that warm wash is crushed topaz.

GUBBIN

You made these?

DRUBBIN

Of course I did. I just told you.

GUBBIN

You were always the idea guy, never the “pick up a tool and make something with your hands” kinda guy.

DRUBBIN

Pshaw!

Tell me, Anna Betula, what’s the best place in town to sell my wares? Is there a good market where I can set up a stall?

BETULA

I can definitely help you Uncle. I have some… special connections.

DRUBBIN

Ho ho! Huzzah. That’s my niece.

A soft chiming sound. Paper rustles. Stan is peering at one of the Place Seekers.

STAN

Hey Drubbin? Sorry… Drubbin? No, wait, you, you’re Drubbin, right?

GUBBIN

Stan, I’m wearing a towel. How difficult is this? Come on.

STAN

Right! Hey, Drubbin. What’s this little glowing mark on the bottom?

DRUBBIN

What mark? Give me that.

He snatches the map from Stan.

BETULA

I’ve never seen a GPS do that before.

DRUBBIN

It must be some kind of reaction from the ink. Is there something strange about this building? Or the river?

STAN

Could be the mud. I’ve always said Mud Street mud is special.

A precise knock at the door.

GUBBIN

Oh great. This one of yours, Betula?

BETULA

No, it’s the front door and that wasn’t my knock.

The knock again.

GUBBIN

Go away! We’re closed!

DRUBBIN

I recognize that knock.

STAN

I’ll get it.

DRUBBIN

Like… clockwork.

EXT. STREET—CONTINUOUS

The knocking continues.

Stan opens the door.

STAN

Oh my gosh, you are a gnome! Hey there!

KLINKAPLONKFELIX

Well met, good sir. My Place Seeker tells me that this is the place I seek.

STAN

Ooohhhh… you have a glowy thing too.

KLINK

I have. It has brought me very far and very quickly. I wish to let a room in your fine tavern.

STAN

Of course. You must have heard about our brunch!

KLINK

I am in search of my Gnomish Place Seekers.

STAN

There’s one in your hand.

KLINK

No, I mean my other Place Seekers. My prized collection, crafted by the hands of my ancestors and passed along to me down through the ages.

STAN

Oh, really? Are they as good as my friend Drubbin’s, though? ‘Cause his are pretty damn good.

KLINK

Did you say… Drubbin?

Gubbin appears at the door.

GUBBIN

All right, what’s going on out here?

KLINK

YOU!

Something shoots out on a spring and zaps Gubbin repeatedly.

GUBBIN

Aaaargggh!! What the hell was that?!! Ouch! Stop doing that.

KLINK

I will stop when you give back what you have taken from me.

GUBBIN

I didn’t take—ow! You angry little man!

KLINK

I will listen to no more of your lies, Drubbin of Dromsfjord!

GUBBIN

Drubbin…

KLINK

A name that Gnomensland will not soon forget.

GUBBIN

Will you people get it through your skulls? I’m not Drubbin. Ow! Oooh! Oooh!

Look, this is all a mistake. Drubbin! Where is that… Drubbin! Come here!

BETULA

He’s gone. Ran out the back door.

GUBBIN

What?!

BETULA

And he took his fancy Place Seekers with him. Hey, who’s this garden ornament?

KLINK

Drubbin of Dromsfjord, you will come with me and face the High Gnomish Tribunal.

GUBBIN

I’m not Drubbin! Aaaaah!! Get him away! Get him away!

STAN

Oh geez. He dropped the towel.

Now I’m never gonna be able to tell them apart.

Closing theme plays.

ELI

This Patreon exclusive episode of The Axe & Crown starred Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.

Written by Marisa King. Directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard, with sound design by Eli McIlveen. Produced by Sean Howard.

Thanks as always for your support. We’ll catch you next time.

OUTTAKE 1

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

I come to you now with the finest Palace Seekers this side of the Northern Mountains!

Laughter.

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

I’m not allowed to call it a—

(breaks character, laughs)

Would you stop laughing?

ART CARLSON

(laughing)

It’s a Place Seeker! It’s not a Palace Seeker! It can only f—-ing find palaces! It’s a Place Seeker!

MARISA KING

(giggling)

Oh my God, I can’t stop.

ART CARLSON

“We can only find palaces with these things. They have a very limited appeal. But still, if you need to find a palace, this thing’s gonna do the job for you.” “What about Place Seekers?” “I do not make those. There is no way in hell. That’s just too broad a spectrum. Palaces, this’ll get ya. I’m working on Fortress Seekers for next week.”

MARISA KING

Oh my God. I wish we were writing that.

“If you’re a princess, this is what you need!”

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

Okay, here we go.

(back in character as Drubbin)

I mean, little girls would want a Palace Seeker. For gods’ sakes! I know my little girls would want one.

Laughter.

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

No, no, I learned—no, no, their clockwork is boinkers. No one can learn that.

The entire cast and crew in fits of helpless laughter.

HUGO JONES

Is it the accent?

ELI

It’s a gestalt. It’s everything at once.

SEAN

It’s a good time.

HUGO JONES

All right! Here we go! I’m coming in hot! Coming in hot!

More laughter.

OUTTAKE 2

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

I come to you now with the finest Plaaaice Seekers this side of the Northern Mountains.

Laughter.

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

…Seekers.

ART CARLSON

“Playice Seekers”?

OUTTAKE 3

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

I’m not allowed to call it a Gnomish Palace Seeker…

(laughs)

SEAN

Take it again.

HUGO JONES

I will! I’m…

(babbling)

OUTTAKE 4

STAN (ART CARLSON)

Wow. What about clockwork?

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

Oh no no, their clockwork is boinkers. No one can learn that!

Laughter.

ART CARLSON

Boinkers?

ELI

(laughing)

I’m sorry.

MARISA KING

I know, we’re all a little losing it.

DRUBBIN (HUGO JONES)

No, no! Their clockwork is boink—

(laughs, breaks character)

That’s right. Now you’ve got me…

Sorry. I’m back!

(deep breath)

No, no, no! Their clockwork is boinkers. No one can learn that!

Laughter.

MARISA KING

Oh no, we’ve got the giggles.

ART CARLSON

All right! One more time. Here we go.

OUTTAKE 5

Laughter verging on exhaustion.

MARISA KING

Sorry…

SEAN

I’m sorry, I want more Drubbin. We’re writing Drubbin into more scripts.

ART CARLSON

No, it’s “bjoinkers”. It’s been Swede-ified.

ELI

I love that yeah, it’s B‑J-O…

ART CARLSON

Ahh. Nothing makes things funnier than a diphthong. Okay.

Gales of laughter.

MARISA KING

All right.

That was great.

SEAN

Everyone breathe. Everyone circle breathe.

The cast take deep breaths.

Music sting.

ELI

A Fable and Folly Production.