A package arrives for Gubbin, and Betula and Stan try to figure out what it contains.
Starring Hugo Jones, Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King
Script and sound design by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard
ELI
Hi everyone. Eli here with a bonus scene from The Axe & Crown.
This was one of the bonus scenes we did for the latest season, and it was recorded months ago, before all the lockdowns and whatnot. All the other mini-episodes have gone out on this feed, but for whatever reason, this last one kept getting bumped down the schedule in favour of other shows and projects.
Y’all know how it’s been — it’s the kind of year when time turns to goo, and you just want to hide out with a good book. Or maybe an episode of The Axe & Crown. This one is called “Mail Call”.
INT. BAR — MORNING
Hammering noises from a far corner of the room, where Gubbin is muttering to himself and cursing from time to time. Stan enters from the street.
STAN
Hey, good morning Betula! Hey Gubbin.
GUBBIN
(from the corner)
Aaa, screw you, hippie.
STAN
Well. Good morning to you.
What are you guys up to?
BETULA
Uncle’s repairing those tables that got flipped last night.
STAN
Oh, those folks from the bakers’ convention?
BETULA
Yeah. Some people get really worked up about wheat flour.
STAN
Talk about punching down. And left and right.
BETULA
Well, I managed to save you some cookies before they all got thrown by angry bakers.
STAN
Woo hoo! You’re the best. Non-flying cookies, they’re my favourite.
Stan eats one as he opens a letter.
STAN
(around a mouthful of cookie)
Uh-oh.
BETULA
What’s that?
STAN
It’s from the city. We gotta renew our liquor licence. And our public lodgings permit.
He opens another envelope.
STAN
And the rent’s due on our spittoons.
BETULA
We still have to pay that?
STAN
Yeah, and you know we’re not getting our deposit back.
Hey, you got some mail too.
BETULA
Oh, thanks.
She tears open her package.
STAN
Muddling Culinary School?
BETULA
Yeah, I signed up for a correspondence course. Thought I’d catch up on some human cooking.
STAN
I hope that’s cooking by humans, not of humans.
BETULA
Oh, good point. Uh…
She flips through a booklet.
BETULA
Nah, I think you’re safe.
STAN
Oh good.
BETULA
Oh, wait.
STAN
(nervous)
What?
BETULA
There’s a recipe for ladyfingers.
STAN
That’s a biscuit… isn’t it?
BETULA
I think you’re right. Well, that’s boring.
STAN
(calls)
Hey, Gubbin?
GUBBIN
(still working)
Yeah.
STAN
There’s a package for you too.
GUBBIN
Yeah? Who from?
STAN
Uh… Paradox Publishing.
GUBBIN
All right, don’t open it.
STAN
I’m not.
GUBBIN
I mean it. Leave it alone.
STAN
Okay!
(lowers his voice)
What do you think this is?
BETULA
I dunno. Is it a book or a magazine?
Stan shakes the package.
STAN
It’s pretty light. Does he get, like, Tavern Owner Monthly or something?
GUBBIN
Stop touching my stuff. I can see you.
STAN
I’m not opening it!
BETULA
Could be some kind of engineering book.
STAN
Why’s he worried about us opening it? Ohh. Do you think he’s designing more secret booby traps for this place?
BETULA
I think he’s always doing that. Or maybe it’s instructions for how to blow up a rival pub.
STAN
I feel like he’d kinda know most of that stuff from being in the army.
BETULA
Could be some new and advanced techniques.
STAN
Or it could be, you know, a gentleman’s magazine.
BETULA
I don’t think even Uncle’d call himself a gentleman.
STAN
No, no, you know what I mean. A collection of racy stories and salacious engravings.
BETULA
Oh, right, right. The Prince and the Woodsman.
STAN
The Sailor and the Troll.
BETULA
The Bandit and the Three Bears.
Gubbin stomps over from the other side of the room.
GUBBIN
All right, quit looking at my mail, you two.
STAN
What is it, though? Betula thinks it’s tips on how to blow up the Badger and Bucket. My money’s on something dirty.
GUBBIN
You’re both wrong.
BETULA
Well, why won’t you show us, then?
GUBBIN
I don’t have to show you anything. Gimme my book.
STAN
Aha, so it is a book! What is it?
He sidesteps Gubbin and holds out the package, out of reach.
GUBBIN
I’m not telling. Hand it over. Kid –
STAN
Give us a genre, at least. What kind of book? Is it spicy?
GUBBIN
No.
BETULA
No, it’s not spicy, or no, I’m not telling?
GUBBIN
It’s a classic piece of literature. Now give it here.
STAN
A classic piece of spicy literature?
GUBBIN
Never you mind.
He grabs the package. The wrapping tears.
STAN
There’s plenty of classic — aaa! Whoops.
BETULA
Careful!
GUBBIN
Goddammit, Stan.
STAN
Sorry! I didn’t mean to do that.
GUBBIN
This better not be damaged.
STAN
I think it was just the wrapping.
GUBBIN
Excuse me while I put this some place safe.
He stomps upstairs.
STAN
Sorry, Gubbin!
BETULA
What was it?
STAN
I dunno. It was in Trølsig, but the cover looked kind of familiar. “Den Smolder En-journey”?
BETULA
Den Smolster Einjørnen? (ein-YUR-nen)
STAN
Could have been that. What does that mean?
BETULA
It’s a kid’s book from Trølsund. The Smallest Unicorns?
STAN
The Littlest Unicorns! I read those books when I was tiny!
BETULA
You read them too?
STAN
Yeah! Wait, Gubbin is reading a kid’s book?
BETULA
It is a classic.
STAN
I didn’t figure there’d be a version in Trølsig.
BETULA
That’s the original.
STAN
Oh! Hedda Smattsdottir is a troll! I never put that together.
BETULA
Well, you were tiny.
STAN
Wow. Yeah.
Marshmallow Pie was always my favourite.
BETULA
Which one’s that?
STAN
The blue one?
BETULA
Oh. In Trølsig he’s called Inki. Inki-pard.
STAN
Neat!
BETULA
You liked Inki-pard? He’s so whiny, though.
STAN
Yeah, but he’s always doing nice things for everyone.
BETULA
I guess. I liked Mudi-pard. The red one.
STAN
Ah, that makes sense — Thunderbolt. She was always big and brave.
Gubbin returns. The others fall silent.
GUBBIN
What?
STAN
Is the book okay?
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Just wanted to… protect your innocent little eyes. You two couldn’t handle it.
BETULA
Oh, for sure.
STAN
Definitely. I bet it was some super spicy stuff!
GUBBIN
Yeah. Good thing you didn’t see any of it.
STAN
Oh yeah. I mean, the title alone, that was enough for me.
GUBBIN
What title?
STAN
(caught)
I mean — I glimpsed it but, y’know, it was in Trølsig, it didn’t mean anything to me, right?
GUBBIN
Right. Right. The Smouldering Horn.
BETULA
Oh gosh, yeah. Just stop right there.
STAN
Yeah, whoo!
BETULA
What a title.
GUBBIN
Biiiig horn.
STAN
That’s about all the horn I can handle.
BETULA
Don’t even need to open up the book.
GUBBIN
No, no, don’t do that.
BETULA
Okay.
STAN
Yeah, we’re good.
GUBBIN
Good.
BETULA
Good.
GUBBIN
All right. Well. I’m gonna go upstairs now.
STAN
Sure.
GUBBIN
Don’t wanna be disturbed, if you know what I mean.
STAN
Oh, I know what you mean. Troll’s gotta do what a troll’s gotta do.
BETULA
Yeah, don’t let us stop you.
GUBBIN
All right.
He makes an awkward exit.
STAN
Who do you figure was his favourite unicorn? Maybe Lumina? She was the smart one.
BETULA
My money’s on Timi-pard. She was the silver one.
STAN
Awww! Tiptoe? You really think so?
BETULA
I can totally picture Gubbin as a shy little kid.
STAN
Yeah, I could see that.
Hey… did he take all the cookies?
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ELI
This Patreon exclusive bonus episode of the Axe & Crown starred Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Script and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Directed by Sean Howard.
Thanks again for your support! Stay well out there, and bye for now.
OUTTAKE
HUGO JONES (AS GUBBIN)
Argh! Grr!
Come on, come on. It’s okay, it’s just a piece of inanimate wood!
(inarticulate noises of frustration)
ART CARLSON
I know, you think the instructions would have words, but it’s just drawings of these little trolls.
Laughter.
SEAN HOWARD
That’s what I was going to do next…