It’s time for another round at the Axe & Crown!
Gubbin and Betula try to lift Stan’s spirits by plotting to beat the Badger & Bucket at their own game.
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King
Written by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Sound design by Eli McIlveen
Produced by Sean Howard
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona
Content warning: gross food, poop jokes and crime.
Episode Transcript
ELI
Hi everyone! It’s Eli here, your writer and sound designer, back with long-awaited season 2 of The Axe & Crown.
We’ve got six shiny new episodes, one dropping every other week for you. Plus we’ve got a whole bunch of bonus episodes too. If you’re a and up supporter on Patreon you’ll get to hear those too.
For the first time, we are recording this thing at home, here on our attic studio where we also record The End of Time and Other Bothers, as well as our sci fi show Civilized. That makes it easier to record, and that means it’s going to be less of a wait between seasons, so that’s awesome. The only drawback is, there’s no control room so Sean and I have to keep quiet and not laugh all the way through the takes, because our cast are wonderful. Thanks to them. Thanks to our supporting producers, Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona. And thanks to all our supporters on Patreon. We are so grateful and so excited to be bringing this new season to you. We hope you enjoy it.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown, Round 2!
Episode 1: A Taste of Something New.
MORNING
The bar is empty, but a big crowd is milling around outside. Stan is watching them out the window.
GUBBIN
(hums to himself)
Hey, Stan! How you doing?
STAN
(distracted)
Huh? Oh, morning Gubbin.
A moment passes.
GUBBIN
Stan.
STAN
Yeah.
GUBBIN
Stan, no.
STAN
What?
GUBBIN
Whatever it is, we’re not doing it.
STAN
What are we doing?
GUBBIN
You’re staring out the window at the Badger and Bucket.
STAN
Well, yeah, look, it’s across the street. If I look out the window, there’s not much else to see.
GUBBIN
Uh huh. But that always means they’re doing some stupid trendy new thing that you’re gonna want us to do too.
STAN
Yeah, probably. I mean, that’s what they do, they beat us to every cool new idea.
GUBBIN
Okay. What is it? Fondue? Peanut butter tacos? 24-karat gold pie for a limited time only?
STAN
It’s… brunch.
GUBBIN
Huh?
STAN
It’s a cross between breakfast and—
GUBBIN
Yeah, the word is familiar to me. Are all those people actually lining up to get in?
STAN
I mean, I guess.
GUBBIN
You guess, Stan? What’s the matter with you?
STAN
I dunno. It’s like you said, I’m always trying some stupid new thing here and it never works out.
GUBBIN
Yeah, but it livens up the place.
STAN
I just feel like maybe I should do something else, and leave this place to you and Betula to run. You’ve been here forever. You know what works.
GUBBIN
I know what used to work. Business is changing around here. We’re sure not packing in patrons on a Saturday morning like we used to be. Look at all those people.
STAN
Yeah, look at them. They’re really our crowd. All those hoity toity downtown hipster types.
GUBBIN
Like you’re not one of them! Come on.
STAN
Hanging out on the patio, eating their delicious-looking food.
GUBBIN
Yeah. Just imagine all those hoity toity downtown folks coming here instead, with all their hoity toity cash and showering me in it. Heh heh. That’s a good dream.
The door opens.
GUBBIN
Say, that could be one now!
BETULA
Hey Stan. Hey Uncle.
GUBBIN
Or not.
STAN
Hey Betula.
BETULA
What’s going on across the street? I’ve never seen it so packed.
STAN
They’re serving brunch. It’s the new big thing, apparently.
BETULA
Wow. Why aren’t we getting in on that action?
GUBBIN
Good question. What do you think, Stan? This is your specialty.
STAN
What is my specialty?
GUBBIN
You’re all about this kinda trendy bullcrap anyway—um, I mean, opportunity. You’re our… let’s call it Head of Innovation.
STAN
I am?
BETULA
Yeah, you’re the one always trying out new ideas around here.
GUBBIN
If it wasn’t for you, Stan, this place would just be a dusty, forgotten little hole in the wall. Like it used to be.
STAN
Aw, thanks, guys.
I guess we could try serving brunch. We’re not gonna get that many people to fit in here, though. That’s the problem.
GUBBIN
Course not. Brunch at the Axe and Crown will have to be a smaller affair. More intimate.
BETULA
Yeah! More laid-back.
STAN
Yeah, more cozy. We should have candles.
BETULA
Maybe put up some work by local artists.
STAN
Oh! That sounds so nice. How about a special craft beer? A breakfast beer!
GUBBIN
Yeah! Yeah, see? That’s the Stan I know.
STAN
Something with some real Axe and Crown flair. We could have pancakes shaped like little shields and things.
GUBBIN
(with difficulty)
Yeah. Sure.
STAN
Betula, you could make kling klangs!
BETULA
Ooo. Or bone waffles. No! Seagull on toast.
STAN
Oh yeah! I can see it now—sorry, did you say seagull?
GUBBIN
Maybe Betula can hook us up with some of that unicorn coffee.
STAN
Oh, unicorn coffee, wow! Where the unicorns, like, eat the berries and daintily spit out the beans?
GUBBIN
Yeah, that’s how it’s made.
STAN
Have you had that stuff? It is delicious. But how are we gonna get a hold of some?
BETULA
I may have had a little something to do with bringing unicorn coffee to Grandville originally.
STAN
Wait, what?! Why aren’t we serving it right now?
Silence.
BETULA
Oh, Stan.
STAN
What?
GUBBIN
(starts chuckling)
STAN
What? What’d I miss?
BETULA
See… a couple months ago, this buddy of mine was due to get a coffee shipment in from Niamondu, but the caravan arrived two days early, in a total panic. Somehow the horses had gotten into the bags and they ate everything.
STAN
Oh no!
BETULA
Yeah. They did a three-day trip in one night. But all the coffee beans were gone. All he had were four really grumpy, really twitchy horses and a giant pile of poop.
STAN
Oh man, wow!
Wait, what does this have to do with unicorns?
BETULA
I’m getting there. Anyway, the poor guy was in tears. So I had to help him out. I took the, you know, shipment off his hands, added a little fake vanilla flavouring, and got some friends to come by and package it up. Sold most of it to different Bucket pubs.
STAN
I know! They were serving it right across the street. But wait, if the horses ate everything…
GUBBIN
(goes on laughing)
STAN
Then how… there wouldn’t have been… no. No, no, no.
That means that the coffee was…
BETULA
Wait. Did you go there and drink some?
STAN
Well, of course I did! It’s unicorn coffee!
BETULA
(groans)
GUBBIN
(cackles)
STAN
Think about it! When you hear the name “Unicorn Coffee”, are you gonna pass that by? I had to try that. It tasted really good!
BETULA
Oh no, Stan, I’m sorry.
STAN
Oh man.
BETULA
I mean, at least they boil the water there when they make coffee.
GUBBIN
(laughs harder)
STAN
Wait. Did Dorothea know it was… not really from unicorns?
GUBBIN
Yeah! And that the horses weren’t spitting out those beans?
STAN
(groans)
BETULA
She probably figured it out. I don’t think she cared either way.
STAN
What? Really?
BETULA
Nah. For her, it was just the latest hot new food trend.
GUBBIN
Yeah, they always gotta have some weird new thing on the menu.
STAN
Yeah, well, you know what? We’ll show them. As Head of…
GUBBIN
Innovation.
STAN
Thank you. Innovation—I say we’re gonna give that crowd a taste of new sensations like they have never seen!
GUBBIN
That’s it, team!
Music sting.
NEXT SATURDAY AFTERNOON
The last of the brunch crowd filters out, leaving the bar empty.
STAN
Bye guys! Thanks for coming! Tell your friends! Axe and Crown… brunchy brunch.
He shuts the door behind them, and drops the cheery façade.
STAN
(sighs)
Oh, man.
GUBBIN
You all right there, kid?
STAN
Yeah, I’m fine.
GUBBIN
What’s the matter? Brunch was a big hit.
STAN
I guess it was.
GUBBIN
You guess?
Betula emerges from the kitchen.
BETULA
Well? How did we do?
GUBBIN
(still talking to Stan)
Kid, we must have made eighty crowns!
BETULA
Wow! That’s almost worth getting up early with a Saturday morning hangover.
GUBBIN
Yeah. And that’s eighty crowns after the decorations and Stan’s cask of crap beer.
STAN
Craft beer.
GUBBIN
Craft.
STAN
Craft. Say it with me.
GUBBIN
Craaaaft. Craft beer. Geez, I keep getting that wrong.
STAN
I know.
BETULA
Hey, what’s going on? What’s up, Stan?
STAN
Me? Oh, nothing. No, listen. I’m glad it went well.
BETULA
This was your idea! Your first big idea as Head of Innovation. And it went great! Especially for the first time doing it.
GUBBIN
Yeah! You sure told us.
See, this is where you’re supposed to rub it in our faces and dance around like an annoying little twerp.
STAN
Look. There’s just something missing here, you know? I don’t know what it is. I can’t put my finger on it.
BETULA
They got a patio.
GUBBIN
And about ten more tables than us.
STAN
Yeah, but it’s more than that. Something special.
GUBBIN
Signature cocktails?
BETULA
We had crabgrass smoothies. And our famous Mud Street Marmalade.
GUBBIN
Okay, you gotta tell me. Is there some kinda gristle in that for the special ingredient?
BETULA
Nope, my lips are sealed.
STAN
Wait! I know what it was! Live music.
GUBBIN
In the marmalade?
STAN
No, no, across the street. They had that awesome fiddle player.
GUBBIN
Yeah, roaming the patio and bugging everyone at their tables.
STAN
Everyone was super into it! They were all laughing and clapping along, and that little girl was passing around the hat collecting coins—she was so cute. I guess she’s his daughter or something?
BETULA
Granddaughter.
STAN
Oh! Do you know him?
BETULA
Yeah, Cinnamon Ted! He really knows how to work a crowd.
GUBBIN
Heh heh.
STAN
If you know him, why is he playing across the street? Why can’t we get him in here?
BETULA
Well…
GUBBIN
Well, let’s see. Given the choice between playing this charming but tiny little bar and the whole Badger and Bucket with its expensive patio, which would you choose?
STAN
I guess that makes sense.
There’s a complicated knock at the back door.
STAN
What’s that?
GUBBIN
Oh. Sounds like one of yours, Betula.
BETULA
Yeah, I’ll get that. One sec.
She heads off to answer the door.
STAN
One of her what?
GUBBIN
Nothing, nothing.
Betula opens the back door.
BETULA
(from the back hallway)
Hey Ted. Hey Jessie.
TED
(from the back hallway)
Well hey there, Miss Betula!
STAN
Hey, I think that’s the guy!
GUBBIN
(feigning ignorance)
What guy?
Stan is halfway across the room.
STAN
The fiddler guy! Aw, I gotta go say hello.
GUBBIN
Wait, wait. Stan. I got an idea!
STAN
Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.
GUBBIN
A brunch idea, Stan! This one’s really good!
STAN
I’ll be right back.
GUBBIN
It’s gold! It’s got mocha!
STAN
Hold on!
GUBBIN
Doh! Dammit.
We follow Stan to the back door.
BETULA
(hushed)
Oh yeah, this is a great bracelet, but it’s a little too unique, you know? It might have to leave town if it’s gonna sell—
STAN
Hey guys!
BETULA
(startled, guilty)
Stan!
STAN
Are you Cinnamon Ted, by chance?
TED
Why yes, I’m Ted and this is Jessie.
STAN
It is so good to meet you. I’m Stan.
BETULA
Yeah, this is Stan, our fine and law-abiding landlord.
TED
A pleasure, my friend.
STAN
I just wanted to say how great you were.
TED
Oh! Well, thank you very much.
STAN
Listen. We were really groovin’ over here across the street listening to you.
TED
Too kind, too kind.
STAN
Hey, your granddad’s pretty talented, isn’t he? Eh, Jessie? Hi! Hi there Jessie! Hello!
Silence.
TED
She doesn’t talk much.
STAN
That’s okay! My name is Stan. How do you do, Jessie?
BETULA
You don’t have to shake hands if you don’t want to, Jessie.
STAN
Up to you. Hey, there ya go!
BETULA
Oh boy.
STAN
That’s an excellent handshake. High five! Down low—too slow! Heh heh! That was pretty funny, wasn’t it, Jessie? No. Not funny. Wow, tough room.
BETULA
Well then, if that’s everything, Stan…
STAN
Yeah, hey, listen. I just wanted to say, just while I have you here, that was a great job, Ted. I wish that we could get someone like you for our weekend brunch.
TED
Oh! Well, I’m afraid my weekends are booked up for the next little while.
STAN
Whatever Dorothea is paying you, I’ll double it!
TED
Oh, she’s not paying me. It’s all passing the hat, plus a pinch of petty pilfer…
BETULA
(clears her throat)
TED
…I mean, a pinch of passing the hat some more. Surprisingly lucrative.
STAN
I’ll make up the difference.
TED
I hate to say it, but that’s gonna be a pretty big difference.
STAN
I don’t care.
TED
Especially if we’re, you know…
(he catches another look from Betula)
Doing things above board.
STAN
Above board? I don’t—
(dawning realization)
Oh. Oh my gosh.
BETULA
There it is.
STAN
Are you telling me that all the while you’re busking at these places, you’re… you are not declaring your income?
TED
Yeah. Heh. Yeah, exactly. Promise you won’t tell?
STAN
Oh, well, sure. Yeah, that’s cool. Cool cool cool cool. Listen, I’m down with you. I know. It’s hard making a living as an artist.
TED
That it is. So glad you understand.
STAN
Oh, a hundred percent. So… what would it take to convince you to play at the Axe and Crown?
BETULA
Uh, Stan, can we talk about this later?
STAN
Oh, sorry, sorry! I totally barged in. That is my fault. You guys were talking about—hey, that’s a nice bracelet.
TED
Yeah. This belonged to my mother. I was just asking Betula what I might be able to get for it.
STAN
Wait. Isn’t that a Louisa Shilman piece? That knotwork is totally Shilman.
TED
It is? Gosh.
BETULA
Wow.
TED
I had no idea.
STAN
This thing is probably worth a thousand crowns!
TED
Whoa!
BETULA
Really!
STAN
I know just the place to take it. You won’t get a better price for it anywhere. I guarantee it!
TED
Really? That’s… that’s awfully nice of you.
STAN
Oh yeah. Super honest folks. They do appraisals and everything, they’ll register it and make sure it’s not stolen…
TED
Okay! I’ll have think about it.
STAN
Would that perhaps be worth maybe a show or two for brunch?
TED
I’m not completely sure I want to part with this just yet.
BETULA
Oh, yeah, a family heirloom like that, I get it.
STAN
Oh, I get it too, completely. If you change your mind, just come and find me.
TED
Will do.
BETULA
Yeah, for sure. No need to sell it today.
STAN
Are you okay, Betula?
BETULA
Why? Pffft. I’m fine. You! You’re—what?
STAN
Are you sure you’re fine?
BETULA
(scoffs)
Yes.
STAN
Ted? Did this bracelet really belong to your mother?
TED
Yeah! Course it did!
STAN
‘Cause I’m getting the feeling, and I’m just spit-balling here, that this belonged to somebody else until recently, and found its way into your possession through unknown means. Am I wrong in that assumption?
BETULA
Oh boy.
TED
I swear, my old Ma got it as a wedding present…
STAN
No, no, no, no, it’s all good, it’s all good. Cool, cool, I’m down. I’m down with that. I’m all about supporting the regular people. That’s the way it works, I’m just putting one over on all those rich snobs, yeah. Share the wealth, just get it around there. That’s what I’m—
BETULA
Yeah. Stealing.
STAN
Yes. Stealing. That’s—yes. Betula, I wasn’t gonna say it out loud, not in front of the girl—where’d she go?
Whoa! Hey, sorry. Almost stepped on you. Sorry, Jessie!
BETULA
It’s fine, Stan.
STAN
Jessie, do you want a lollipop?
(silence)
Jessie, do you want glass of lemonade?
Jessie, do you want to go in and see Gubbin? So us grownups can go on discussing this extremely boring topic?
BETULA
Actually, Ted, why don’t you two head out, and I’ll catch up to you at the hmm-hmmm-hmm.
TED
Gotcha. What time?
Betula makes a subtle hand gesture.
TED
Okay. See you then! Nice meeting you, Stan.
STAN
Oh, hey, nice meeting you too…
(whispers)
What just happened?
BETULA
Never mind.
TED
Jessie? Do you want to give the nice man back his wallet?
Stan pats his pockets frantically.
STAN
My—Jessie! You thieving little…!
(he snatches the wallet)
I mean, thank you, Jessie, that was a good thing you did, giving it back.
TED
Farewell, my friends!
BETULA
Bye, guys.
Jessie and Ted slip out into the alleyway. The door shuts.
STAN
How did she do that?!
BETULA
She’s good.
STAN
When did she take my wallet, though? Was it when we shook hands?
BETULA
It was while you were high-fiving her.
STAN
Oh, damn. That’s impressive.
Hey, that little hand-wavy thing you and Ted did? Was that like, code?
BETULA
The less you know, the better, Stan.
She heads back to the bar. Stan follows.
STAN
Aw, but… no, Betula! I’m cool with it. I’m cool cool. Everything’s cool cool.
GUBBIN
Oh, he’s cool now. Huh.
Well, how’d that go?
BETULA
He knows.
GUBBIN
I tried.
BETULA
Sure.
STAN
Wait. Hold on. Pause. You two do this a lot? Why didn’t you tell me you had like, a super secret thieving operation?
BETULA
There’s no “operation”.
STAN
How does the sign language work? Do you guys like, hold up three fingers for “Look out for guards”? Or waggle your eyebrows for “Meet me behind the lodge at midnight”?
BETULA
Stan. You know I can’t tell you.
STAN
You can tell me! I can keep a secret! I’m so good at keeping secrets! Secrets are the—
I totally can’t keep a secret.
BETULA
I know you’re curious, but… remember the last time, with that lady who was a were-cow.
STAN
Yeah, it kinda slipped out. But at least no one got trampled that badly…
Look, you know me. I just wanna be a part of whatever it is you’re doing! Because you guys, I think of you like family, you know? You’re always good to me, and I want to help.
GUBBIN
(sighs)
There is one big thing you can do.
STAN
Yeah? Yeah? What?
GUBBIN
Run a good, honest tavern.
BETULA
Exactly. Make this place look legit.
GUBBIN
Like we’re just keeping up with the Badger and Bucket and everybody else in town.
STAN
Okay!
GUBBIN
And that will really help Betula with her “business dealings”.
BETULA
Oh, my “business dealings”? What about your “business dealings”?
STAN
You have business dealings too?
GUBBIN
I just pour the beer.
BETULA
(scoffs)
Yeah, you pour the beer.
GUBBIN
That’s all, just a little bit here, a little bit there… heh heh.
So, Stan? What do you say?
STAN
Yeah! Run a tavern? I can do that.
BETULA
Thanks, Stan. I appreciate it.
STAN
Whatever you need, I gotcha.
GUBBIN
Good.
STAN
First order of business: brunch planning for next weekend!
BETULA
Perfect. I have one seagull left.
STAN
There’s a little cafe downtown—no, skip the seagull—they serve toast with this weird new kind of squishy green fruit and sea salt on top. Mmmm. So good.
GUBBIN
All right, all right. Serve whatever the hell you want, just leave me out of it.
STAN
Oooh, and I want one of those cool little griddle things for making crêpes…
GUBBIN
I am gonna go find a horse and see if it will kick me in the head.
STAN
You do that. I am gonna get down to business, because we are gonna take down the Badger and Bucket once and for all.
CREDITS
Closing theme plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written by Eli McIlveen. Directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen. Produced by Sean Howard.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. You can get early access to episodes, plus all-new bonus stories and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at AlbaSalix.com.
OUTTAKE
GUBBIN (HUGO)
Given the choice between playing this charming but tiny bar and the whole Badget and Bucker…
Marisa and Art break out laughing.
GUBBIN (HUGO)
And the whole Budger and Bucket…
MARISA
The Budgie and Backet.
ART
The Budgie and Bugger.
GUBBIN (HUGO)
All right, let’s see.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.