The magic business hits a dead end – and Stan receives an unexpected visit.
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King
Written and directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Sound design by Eli McIlveen
Produced by Sean Howard
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona
Content warning: bereavement, family struggles and undead creatures.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
SEAN
Hey everyone. Sean here. I’m one of the producers of Alba Salix and The Axe & Crown. Eli and I want to thank each and every one of you for your support, and for being with us as listeners, and also to wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year. And I hope that your holidays are going amazing.
And I also want to give a quick reminder that the special offer we’re running ends in three days once this airs. January 2 will be the last day where you can join in. We are now in Tier 3. For every five new supporters at the $5 level, whether you’re an upgrading supporter or a new supporter, we add a new bonus into what we’re going to be sending out in January.
There’s more information about what we’re giving away and the tiers and all that if you go to patreon.com/albasalix. Or just go to albasalix.com and click on the Patreon link. We would so love to have you as part of this family.
And a super giant thank you to our Supporting Producers, Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown, Round 2!
Episode 4: As Good As Gone.
INT. BAR—MORNING
BETULA
Hey Stan.
STAN
Oh. Hey, Betula.
BETULA
You okay there?
STAN
Yeah, you know me, I’m—
No, actually, not really.
BETULA
What’s up? Do you need a hand?
She takes a seat next to him.
STAN
No…
BETULA
Isn’t your new launch for Meals by Magic happening this week?
STAN
No. I’m afraid Meals By Magic is done.
BETULA
What? Why? What happened?
STAN
I just found out Kalzak got… called away. He left a note, but it’s not very clear. Something about an unpaid debt or something.
BETULA
Oh. That’s too bad. But why does that mean the company’s done? Isn’t he coming back?
STAN
I don’t think so.
BETULA
Wait. Are we talking “called away” to another dimension?
STAN
Yeah. Look, over in the corner there, where he always sits, see? His chair’s gone and there’s just a scorched circle of runes on the floor.
BETULA
Oh. Oh yeah, that’s not a good sign.
And Uncle’s gonna have a fit.
STAN
Yeah. He already lost it on me. I’ll pay to repair it. I just… yeah.
BETULA
That’s rough. I’m sorry, Stan.
STAN
He was a good guy, really. Deep down, I mean. Yeah, he was strange, but also, you know… really strange.
BETULA
Just to be clear, though—he’s not actually dead, right?
STAN
I don’t think so? The note’s in his handwriting. I guess they just need him to pay back his eternal debt or something, whatever that means.
BETULA
Oh. Yeah. That’s good, then. I’m sure he’s… fine.
STAN
(reassured)
Yeah. Thanks, Betula.
BETULA
Right.
Does he have next of kin? Do they need to be told?
STAN
He’s got some family, but they’d been estranged for a long time.
BETULA
That tracks.
STAN
Gubbin’s upstairs sorting through his stuff. I’ll ask if he can find a name or an address or something.
Gubbin comes downstairs, followed by a rattling, flapping noise.
NEV
Grawk!
GUBBIN
Okay, can someone please deal with this goddamn bird? Stop it!
BETULA
What is that?
STAN
Oh, that’s another thing. This is Kalzak’s… friend, Nev.
NEV
Rawk! Not any more!
STAN
Nev, Betula. Betula, this is Nev.
BETULA
Hi?
NEV
Rark!
STAN
I think Kalzak raised him as part of this big thesis project when he was at school, and he’s just been taking care of him ever since.
NEV
Not any more! Caw!
GUBBIN
Agh!
So when you say “raised”, I’m guessing you don’t mean raised from a baby.
STAN
Yeah, more like raised from… a skeleton.
GUBBIN
Uh huh.
BETULA
A skeleton with eyes. That’s the part that’s creeping me out.
STAN
Yeah, I get that. You know, hanging out with a previously-alive raven, takes some getting used to, but Kal was really fond of him.
NEV
Not any more!
BETULA
Does he say anything else?
STAN
Not that I’ve heard. I think maybe it’s a punchline to an old joke that Kal taught him?
BETULA
Yeah, that’s… pretty funny.
NEV
Not any more!
GUBBIN
Yeah, you try sleeping with that going on in the room above you.
NEV
Rawwk!
GUBBIN
Gah!
This is typical. Frickin’ wizards, disappearing and leaving us with their weird familiars.
BETULA
Yeah, gosh, ’cause that happens so often.
GUBBIN
Oh, you weren’t here when that sea witch was here with her friend the squid. I had half a dozen guests yelling in my face that the cleaning staff stole all their jewellery.
BETULA
Wait a minute. When did you ever have cleaning staff?
GUBBIN
I didn’t! It was the squid! It kept sneaking out of her room during the day. She would lock all the doors and windows but if there was even the tiniest crack—I’m talking infinitesimal—that squid could still squeeze out.
STAN
What! That’s amazing.
GUBBIN
And she wouldn’t even correct him. She was all like, “Oh, what a clever boy you are. Isn’t he clever? Blah blah blah!”
Bah. Squids! You can’t trust ’em!
NEV
Not any more!
GUBBIN
I swear, we should just ban ’em all from the premises. No pets, no wizards, no witches, no familiars, no nothing.
STAN
Aw, c’mon, Gub. You can’t let one poorly-raised squid spoil everything.
GUBBIN
Pah!
STAN
Look. I’ll take care of him. Unless either of you wants to?
BETULA
Well, I can’t exactly cook him. There’s no meat on him.
NEV
Not any more!
STAN
That’s not actually what I meant. I’ll keep him in my room or something.
BETULA
Oh, sorry.
So then… what does he eat, exactly?
STAN
Nothing, as far as I can tell.
BETULA
I mean, no stomach.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
So, did you find an address in Kal’s room, Uncle? Stan wants to reach out to his relatives.
GUBBIN
Nah. He’s got books and books and notebooks and books of notes, all written in code, or maybe some kinda demon language, maybe both? I don’t know.
STAN
Nev? Do you know where Kal’s family are?
NEV
Dawk! Not any more!
GUBBIN
Well, this is gonna be heaps of fun.
Music sting.
INT. BAR—DAY
Stan enters from the street.
STAN
Okay, so some good news. Grandville University of Thaumaturgical Elucidation still had Kal’s emergency contact info on file from when he was a student. They’re trying to contact his family now.
BETULA
Well, that’s good news.
STAN
Also, they want me to explain what happened and I’m not sure what to tell them.
BETULA
Well, his family knew he was going to the University, so they probably knew he was doing weird magic.
STAN
Yeah, I don’t think they approved.
BETULA
What makes you say that?
STAN
Kal told me his mother didn’t approve.
BETULA
Right.
Hey… his latest research and stuff, that probably belonged to your company, right?
STAN
Hmm? Oh, we never really discussed that. I guess we were just too excited about designing the product.
BETULA
But it’s not like anyone’s going to come looking for his prototype magical transportation boxes or anything.
STAN
Probably not. Why?
BETULA
Well, I’m just saying, we should probably keep those safe. Just in case Kal gets back and wants to continue working on them.
STAN
Sure. I guess.
BETULA
Cool. Cool cool cool.
STAN
Not like it matters. There really wasn’t anything new or groundbreaking about what we were doing. We were just a couple of clueless dudes messing around with magic and convincing ourselves we were doing something special.
BETULA
Aw, Stan. You never know. I thought you guys were really on to something.
NEV
Awk! Not any more!
STAN
Gee, thanks Nev.
Any luck finding a foster home for Mister Bone Bird over here?
BETULA
Not yet. I contacted a couple of sanctuaries, but they’re not taking in any new animals and/or skeletons. So no one at the university was interested?
STAN
No. I think they have some weird superstition about inheriting someone else’s familiar.
BETULA
Heh. What, like history might repeat itself and they might end up dragged away to a hell dimension like Kal?
STAN
Yeah, sure, that sort of thing.
BETULA
I don’t suppose we could release him back into the wild?
NEV
Not any more!
STAN
No, I don’t think so. Turns out he doesn’t eat, but he sure does like to drink, though. Speaking of, do you know where to get some formaldehyde? Kal had a bottle of it in his room, but—
NEV
(belches)
Not any more!
STAN
We pretty much toasted that.
BETULA
You could ask at Gurney’s Funeral Home? Or the alchemist’s over on Bridge Street.
Gubbin comes downstairs. Nev stalks over and flaps angrily.
NEV
Rawwk!
GUBBIN
Agh! Haven’t you got rid of that damn bird yet?
NEV
Rawwk!
STAN
Not yet.
GUBBIN
He’s freaking out all my patrons, and honestly, he’s freaking me out too.
BETULA
We’re working on it.
GUBBIN
Can’t you make a bone broth out of him or something?
NEV
Rawwwwwk!
BETULA
Uh, would you eat soup made from a formaldehyde-soaked undead bird?
GUBBIN
…I’m sure someone would.
STAN
Maybe the funeral home needs a mascot or something. “Welcome to Gurney’s! Raawk!”
NEV
Aawwwk!
GUBBIN
You know what, maybe call a taxidermist. Stick him up on the wall.
NEV
Awwk! Not any more!
GUBBIN
Come here, you!
He chases Nev around the room, chairs thud to the floor.
NEV
Not any more! Not any more!
GUBBIN
I swear to God.
STAN
Can you guys take it outside?
NEV
Awwk!
INT. BAR—NIGHT
The bar is empty. Betula is putting chairs up on tables while Stan sweeps the floor.
STAN
How you doing?
BETULA
(yawns)
All right. I’m gonna turn in or I’m gonna be useless for brunch tomorrow.
STAN
Sure, I got the rest. Night, Betula.
BETULA
Night, Stan.
She heads upstairs.
The outside door rattles, and creaks open.
STAN
Betula, I thought you said you locked up?
Footsteps slowly enter.
STAN
Uh… sorry, friend, we’re closed for the night.
The door creaks shut and slams.
YARTHA
(deep, sinister, hissing voice)
You… know… Kalzak.
Yartha stalks over to the bar, looking over Stan.
STAN
He was staying here for a little bit, yeah.
Uh, uh, hi, hello, can I help you?
YARTHA
You must be Stanway.
STAN
(backing away)
Oh! Well, yes. Yes I am. Stanway Gerrard. But how did you…
YARTHA
My son wrote to us a few times in the past months and he spoke of a young man he was working with, a Stanway Gerrard.
STAN
That would be me, yes. Stan is fine.
YARTHA
Stan, then.
STAN
So you’re Kal’s…?
YARTHA
I am his mother. You may call me Yartha.
STAN
Yartha! That is a nice name. Yeah, I can see a little of the family resemblance there—
YARTHA
Where did it happen?
STAN
Oh, right. “It”, yes. Um, “it” happened right over here. Where the… um…
YARTHA
Where the scorch marks are.
STAN
Yes, yes. And I found this note here.
He hands it to Yartha.
YARTHA
We knew it would come to this one day. And yet I find myself unprepared.
Silence.
STAN
If there’s anything that I can do…
YARTHA
Yes. I am here to collect my son’s worldly goods.
STAN
Oh. Sure. Sure. Sure. Well. Follow me. Right this way, I’ll show you to his room.
They ascend the stairs to the third floor.
STAN
So, uh, I don’t know much about you. He didn’t talk much about his family.
YARTHA
Of course not.
STAN
Are you in the… magic business as well? What is it that you do?
YARTHA
I am not in the magic business.
Stan unlocks the door, and they step inside.
STAN
Fair enough. So this is Kal’s room. Was Kal’s room. Is. Is Kal’s room. Still is, it’s completely his room, I guess, since he’s only gone away.
So, uh…
YARTHA
To answer your question, I specialize in early childhood education.
Silence.
STAN
You’re… really! I would not have guessed that.
YARTHA
You find my appearance atypical for a teacher.
STAN
Maybe a little?
YARTHA
Do I frighten you?
STAN
I’m terrified. I have to let you know, I am currently extremely terrified.
YARTHA
That is excellent.
STAN
Okay, that’s fine.
The hood thing. Arriving in the middle of the night. The claws.
YARTHA
Children today are too coddled. Their parents try to shield them from any fear, any pain, any tiny inconvenience—any experience that would teach them to live in the real world.
STAN
And so you, uh, frighten them?
YARTHA
My partner and I run a night camp in the Woeful Woods where children can safely become lost, be menaced by monsters and villains, and then escape, hungry but unharmed, back to their parent or guardian as wiser, more capable people.
STAN
That’s kind of amazing. So… Kal didn’t exactly follow in your footsteps.
YARTHA
We made many mistakes as parents. We did too much for him. He never learned to make his own way. We sent him off to Hazelbroke College, where he turned to begging favours from dark forces. At first it was help on a pop quiz here and there, but then it was a term paper, or a major research project.
STAN
Oh no.
YARTHA
Soon he was promising everything to his so-called “friends” below just to avoid his turn cleaning the common room. He dropped out of college, applied to that awful university, dropped out of university—I’m afraid that’s when he stopped talking to us. Until recently.
STAN
Oh. I’m sorry—that’s really sad.
YARTHA
And now the only sign of his presence is a heap of arcane diagrams and a scorched circle on the floor.
I’m sorry about that, by the way—can we help pay for some of the damage?
STAN
Oh, no, no, that’s awfully nice of you. You don’t have to—we deal with damage from our guests every day.
YARTHA
People are so inconsiderate.
STAN
I know.
YARTHA
No, allow me to offer you some recompense. Skies above, he could have burned down the building on his way out.
STAN
No, really—
YARTHA
Take the money, Stanway Gerrard.
STAN
Y‑yes, Ma’am. Yes. Thank you very much.
She gives him a bag of coins.
YARTHA
My son spoke quite highly of you, you know.
STAN
He did? Really?
YARTHA
You were colleagues, yes?
STAN
We were just working together. And not on any summoning type thing. Or I don’t think it was anything like that.
YARTHA
You gave him hope. He spoke of moving away from the darker arts. He said that you believed in him. Trusted him.
STAN
Well, yeah, I…
YARTHA
I fear that we stopped trusting, long ago.
STAN
I don’t know what to say.
YARTHA
Do not be troubled. We loved him. We still do. But there were so many times we wanted to believe that he was returning to us. Only to lose him further down the path he had chosen. And now, this is where we find ourselves.
STAN
I’m sorry things didn’t work out better.
YARTHA
Perhaps they will in the end. Who can say? Life is full of delight and disappointment, and not often in equal share. I am glad you were there for my Kalzak.
STAN
Thanks. Me too.
YARTHA
Your magic food delivery business gave him hope. And you gave him friendship.
STAN
I’d like to think so.
Yartha sifts through a few of the items.
YARTHA
I wish we had done more.
STAN
We always do. We always wish we’d done more for our friends and our family.
YARTHA
We failed him.
STAN
You don’t know that. Maybe if you’d done the “right” thing, quote unquote, he’d have turned out exactly the same. You can’t ever know for sure.
YARTHA
Perhaps. But it is the reason I now do what I do.
STAN
You mean, teaching kids by frightening them out of their wits.
YARTHA
Indeed.
STAN
Well, there you go—think of all those kids you’ve helped. It probably would have done me some good, I’ll tell you. I coulda used an experience like that to give me a little backbone. A little smarts.
YARTHA
That is kind of you to say.
STAN
So… do you want me to help you pack up all his stuff? I mean, these are all his notes from the business but I can’t read a word of them.
YARTHA
If you have a place to keep these notes, then keep them. I have no use for them. Ah! But look—he kept this lantern. This we gave him when he left home.
Perhaps—yes. I believe I will take this.
What is under this sheet?
STAN
Oh, no, don’t—
Yartha pulls a sheet from a cage.
NEV
Rark!
YARTHA
Oh! What a charming beast! Greetings!
STAN
This is Nev—Nev, this is Yartha.
NEV
Raaark!
YARTHA
I am delighted to meet you too, dear Nev—or, pardon me, Rark!
NEV
Raark raark caw!
STAN
You speak raven?
YARTHA
I speak a dialect. Nev is a coastal raven—
NEV
Not any more!
YARTHA
Oh, indeed, was a coastal raven, but I can understand most of what he says.
STAN
Would you be interested in taking home a… new skeletal bird friend?
NEV
Caw! Caw?
YARTHA
He would be a terrifying addition to our staff. Yes! I will certainly take you, if you like. Will you come with us, Nev?
NEV
Damn right! Finally!
STAN
Woo hoo!
NEV
Caw!
INT. BAR—EARLY MORNING
Betula, Gubbin and Stan are setting up the tables for brunch service.
STAN
Tablecloths and placemats are done. How we coming on the silverware?
BETULA
(yawning)
Slow down there, bronco. I’m on it. There’s plenty of time before the brunch crowd arrives.
GUBBIN
You can help me with the plates.
STAN
Okay.
GUBBIN
Thank the gods that bird is gone.
STAN
Yeah. He and Kalzak’s mom took to each other pretty fast.
GUBBIN
Well… she was probably right. You were good for Kalzak.
STAN
Aw, thanks, Gubbin.
BETULA
Yeah, the last couple weeks, before he went away, I think I actually saw him in a fresh robe once or twice.
A magical whoosh.
STAN
I wish I had done more. I didn’t realize how important this business was to him.
GUBBIN
Sometimes what you can do is what you can do.
BETULA
(sniffs)
Does anyone else smell something burning?
A soft crackling noise, slowly growing into a substantial fire.
STAN
There’s no food on yet, right?
GUBBIN
Stan! Table three on fire!
STAN
It’s the tablecloth! I got it. Ow! Ow! Water! We need water!
Betula heaves a bucket of sand, and the flames go out instantly.
BETULA
Sand is better. There we go. Everything’s fine.
GUBBIN
Everything is NOT fine! No more candles at brunch!
STAN
The candles weren’t lit.
GUBBIN
No candles, no flambé, no burning anything! I got half a mind to get rid of the stove too!
BETULA
No, no, it’s that circle in the corner again.
STAN
The circle?!
BETULA
The one that took Kal away! That one.
GUBBIN
It’s back?! Goddammit, we just cleaned that up.
STAN
But nobody disappeared this time… right?
BETULA
No—something appeared.
STAN
What?
BETULA
A postcard?
STAN
Let me see!
GUBBIN
That’s it. How the hell do we get rid of a pentagram?
STAN
(reading with difficulty)
“Dear Stan. Sorry had to bail. Big rush, no time. Working…” Here, hold on, does that say “desk job”?
BETULA
I think so.
STAN
“Working desk job, so much paperwork, but I’ll live, ha ha. Sorry about food biz. Talk soon. Peace—Kal.”
BETULA
Wow. He’s alive. And at a desk job?
GUBBIN
Yup, he’s in hell for sure.
STAN
I’m thinking we shouldn’t seat anyone at Table 3 for a while.
GUBBIN
Good idea. Put a cloth over it. A big one.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen. Produced by Sean Howard.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. You can get early access to episodes, plus all-new bonus stories and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at AlbaSalix.com.
OUTTAKE: COMEDY
STAN (ART CARLSON)
(deep announcer voice)
What is the deal with cart food?
Laughter.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
You know what I’m saying? Every time you’re on a cart between villages, you just get the same food over and over again. And it’s terrible! Like for example, every time I’m on a cart, they bring you a little piece of meat and it has grill marks on it. What am I supposed to imagine? That they have an open flame grill at the front of the cart that I…? It makes no sense. Anyway! I’m gonna be here all week. G’night!
Laughter.
MARISA KING
It’s Stan doing—it’s Stan-d-up!
ART CARLSON
It’s Stannnn-d-up comedy!
Laughter.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.