When Stan starts taking an interest in local politics, Gubbin is his usual cynical self, but Betula is intrigued.
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King, with special guest Thoreau Smiley
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard
Sound design by Eli McIlveen
Produced by Sean Howard
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona
Content warning: politics.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown, Round 2!
Episode 5: Off And Running.
INT. BAR—MORNING
Stan enters from the street.
STAN
Morning, guys!
GUBBIN
Hey Stan.
BETULA
Hey Stan. How was the market?
Stan starts going through his shopping bags.
STAN
So good. I got some amazing cheeses for brunch tomorrow, I got some new candles for the tables—especially for Table 3. Oh, and I met this amazing woman who’s running for town council.
GUBBIN
I’m confused.
STAN
About what?
GUBBIN
You used “amazing” and “running for council” in the same sentence.
Stan pulls out a pamphlet.
STAN
Ha ha ha. Look, I’m being serious. Her name’s Constance Moldvay and she’s all about making the city safer for everyone. Better roads and sewers, cracking down on polluting industries. I told her we’d vote for her!
GUBBIN
Now, see, there are three things wrong with that statement. First of all, you ain’t me, and you don’t get to say who I vote for.
STAN
Yeah, sorry, I just got overexcited.
GUBBIN
Especially because secondly, I don’t vote.
STAN
Wait, what? What? Gubbin, you have to vote.
GUBBIN
Councillors, they’re all the same. They say they’re gonna stop corruption and help the poor and bla de bla de bla. And then they get elected and whoops, it all just slipped outta their mind. And the rare time they do come up with a good idea, the King and/or Queen suddenly decides nope! Can’t possibly do that!
So what good are they?
STAN
Listen, Constance is different. She gets things done. Look, it says it right here on the pamphlet. See? She gets things done.
GUBBIN
I see that.
STAN
Do you remember when Pomfritz’s Potions were dumping their effluent into the river?
BETULA
Geez. That sounds bad.
GUBBIN
You kidding? It was great! That big outbreak of flying fish? You could walk out the front door here and catch ’em without a boat! We were serving those up all summer.
STAN
Yeah, but it wasn’t just the fish. Do you know how many kids were born with three eyes that year?
BETULA
Is that where they all came from? I was wondering.
GUBBIN
Hey, it was great for the hat business here in town. Hiding all those third eyes, they had to pull ’em down low… they looked really fashionable, those kids.
STAN
It’s worse that all that. It turns out old Mister Pomfritz was good buddies with the Lord Mayor. So no one was doing anything about the dumping—except Constance Moldvay! She led a big protest outside the town hall. “Keep our river clean! Nix the elixir mixers!” They had to clean up or move out of town!
BETULA
So they cleaned up?
STAN
No, they moved out of town. All their potions are brewed in Balgomar now.
BETULA
Yeah, that figures.
GUBBIN
Yeah. Too bad for all the folks that worked there.
STAN
The point is, it worked. No more third eyes, no more fires breaking out on the river.
GUBBIN
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hooray for Constance.
STAN
And that’s why I’m voting for her.
GUBBIN
No you’re not. Which brings me to my third point. This pamphlet says Ward Two. You’re living on the other side of the river now, kid.
STAN
Oh darn, you’re right. I didn’t even think about that! Wait. What ward are we in, anyway?
GUBBIN
Ward Seven, South Shore—Bogtown.
STAN
And who’s our current councillor?
GUBBIN
Mister Duffin Braithwick. Used to run a big shipping company down at the docks. He’s been on the council for about a thousand years. Barely shows up for meetings any more, just collects his pay and goes off to play golf his developer buddies.
STAN
Ugh.
GUBBIN
Drives me nuts!
STAN
We need someone like Constance to run in our ward.
BETULA
Huh. You ever think about running for council, Uncle?
GUBBIN
I had not considered it, no.
STAN
People would totally vote for you! You’re a fixture in this neighbourhood. This place is a beloved institution.
GUBBIN
Hah. If you say so.
STAN
I do say so.
GUBBIN
You think I got time to sit on my butt in the council chambers listening to speeches about sewage treatment options?
BETULA
You said the incumbent guy never shows up to council meetings.
GUBBIN
Let alone getting out there shaking hands and smiling big fake smiles for the voters.
STAN
Aw, c’mon, Gubbin.
BETULA
What about you, Stan?
STAN
Me?
BETULA
You’re a prominent local business owner now. You’re Head of Innovation, overseeing the transformation of the Axe and Crown.
STAN
Oh well, you know. I mean, sure, I try, but… thank you, thats—I don’t know anything about politics, so it’s…
GUBBIN
Stan doesn’t have the nerve for politics. I think of him as a soft little bunny man.
STAN
Okay…
GUBBIN
You put him in a debate against a throw pillow and I guarantee you, ten minutes in he’s gonna say, “Oh yeah, right, Mister Pillow! I didn’t see it that way before! I better take a nap.”
BETULA
Uncle.
GUBBIN
Am I wrong?
STAN
No no no, you’re not wrong. And I love pillows. They’re so nice.
GUBBIN
They are, aren’t they?
STAN
How about you, Betula? You’ve got more nerve than me, that’s for sure. And you follow goings-on in the neighbourhood, right?
BETULA
Well, I like to keep up to date, but politics isn’t really my wheelhouse either.
STAN
You’d be great, though! You’re down-to-earth, forthright, honest…
GUBBIN
(laughs)
STAN
I mean, how does this Braithwick guy keep getting elected? Is he just a real likeable guy?
GUBBIN
You kidding? Everyone hates his guts. His family employs a ton of people, but meanwhile he’s been trying to undermine the guilds for years.
BETULA
You’d think they’d be organizing against him.
GUBBIN
They are! But that’s where money talks. He’s got a million crowns from the shipping business and who knows how many other big companies lining his pockets. He can outspend his opponents a hundred to one.
BETULA
Really.
STAN
Yeah, running for office is expensive. There’s printing, signs, staffing…
GUBBIN
Paying off the right people at the Palace and Town Hall.
BETULA
And these companies are paying how much to finance him?
GUBBIN
Thousands. Tens of thousands. Not to mention all the wine and carriages and trips to Melluria…
BETULA
Nice work if you can get it. The question is, how to get it.
GUBBIN
Yeah. Wait, you’re not thinking of running, are you?
STAN
Why not? Betula could totally get in!
BETULA
I don’t know. I’d need a platform if I was gonna run.
STAN
Woo hoo!
BETULA
If.
GUBBIN
You’re actually considering it.
BETULA
Just hypothetically.
STAN
Hypothetical woo hoo!
GUBBIN
Hypothetically… start with cutting back property taxes, eh? Essie over on Anchor Street, she’s about to lose her deli ’cause she can’t keep up.
BETULA
These new places can afford to pay, though. Like the Badger and Bucket. Maybe anyone new who buys into the neighbourhood gets the new rate?
STAN
That is nice thinking! I like that.
Miss Betula, what about road safety? That’s a big thing in Constance’s plan. Do you have any proposals?
BETULA
Uh, like better street lighting?
STAN
Yeah. The number of times I’ve nearly broken my neck on those cobblestones…
GUBBIN
Or that one night you got both your boots stuck in the mud and came home barefoot?
STAN
Exactly. Not to mention all the muggings and the pickpocketing that goes on around here at night. We have got to do something about that.
BETULA
(guilty)
Yeah, definitely. Damn those thieves.
STAN
What else? What does Braithwick usually run on?
GUBBIN
Jobs.
BETULA
And?
GUBBIN
That’s it.
STAN
I guess that makes sense.
But how do we outdo him on that? “More jobs”? “Better jobs”? “Shinier jobs”?
GUBBIN
Well, when it comes to jobs, Betula’s got quite the track record. If you count the forgery, fencing and professional kleptomania.
STAN
Well…
BETULA
I think we’re talking about making jobs for other people, Uncle.
GUBBIN
Eh, you gotta help yourself before you can help anybody else, right? Heh heh. That’s my motto.
Music sting.
INT. BAR—A FEW DAYS LATER
Betula consults a piece of paper.
BETULA
So, it looks like we’ve got five candidates in the running. There’s me, Duffin Braithwick and three others. Vincenzo Funk wants tuition cuts and a freeze on swan boat fares.
GUBBIN
Aa, he’s just a kid. He’s not gonna be a threat this time.
BETULA
Grunelda Blank…
GUBBIN
(laughs)
Is she running again? Oh, good old Grunelda.
BETULA
Her platform seems to be pretty much down to “restrict the number of cats—”
BETULA AND GUBBIN
“—living in one house”.
GUBBIN
It’s basically a feud between her and her neighbour. She’s run for council about a dozen times.
BETULA
And finally, we got Jane Tolliveri. Schoolteacher, really focused on getting rid of corruption at Town Hall. So, potential danger there.
GUBBIN
Yeah. You’re taking this more seriously than I thought.
BETULA
Eh, it’s fun. It’s kind of like casing the joint before you break in and steal—
She stops herself as the door opens and Stan enters.
BETULA
Oh, hey Stan.
STAN
Hey guys! I got our posters printed up. Look at this.
He pulls out a big poster.
STAN
“Vote Betula!”
GUBBIN
(unimpressed)
Wow.
BETULA
Is that supposed to be me?
STAN
Yeah, well, we were in a hurry and you weren’t there to pose for the portrait, so I just described you.
GUBBIN
That explains why you’re wearing a suit.
STAN
I thought it would be good if you looked, y’know, kinda professional.
BETULA
I mean, it’s not a bad look.
GUBBIN
“Keep the South Side Affordable”. Hard to argue with that slogan.
BETULA
What am I holding?
STAN
A baby.
GUBBIN
(laughing)
That’s a baby? Why is it wearing a suit?
BETULA
Oh no. That’s supposed to be a troll baby, isn’t it?
STAN
Well, it didn’t seem right to put you on a poster holding someone else’s baby, so…
GUBBIN
(chuckling)
BETULA
And now everyone’s going to think I’m a mom.
STAN
I just thought holding a baby would make you seem more trustworthy and approachable.
BETULA
Stop laughing. Stop it.
Fine, if that’s what it takes.
GUBBIN
Yeah, it might “resonate” with the parents out there.
STAN
Yes. Exactly!
GUBBIN
Definitely the ones with really ugly kids.
BETULA
Yeah. Yeah. It looks a little like a tiny Gubbin.
GUBBIN
(still laughing)
Can’t be me, it’s wearing a suit.
STAN
Okay team! What do you say? Time to get out there and slap some posters on walls?
BETULA
There’ll be someone getting slapped, all right.
Music sting.
INT. BAR—LATER
The door opens and Gubbin, Betula and Stan enter from the street.
BETULA
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. This is all new to me. I didn’t realize the campaign was already on.
STAN
The campaign is always on, Betula!
BETULA
I mean, no one’s ever walked up to me and asked me point blank like that before.
GUBBIN
You sure surprised that guy, though. “How do we know you’re not a crook like all the rest?”
BETULA
Yeah. What was I supposed to do?
STAN
Well, tell him in glorious detail all about your exploits as a professional thief, apparently.
BETULA
You said the whole idea behind this campaign was honesty.
GUBBIN
An honest image. There’s a huge difference between that and actual honesty.
BETULA
So, lie and then lie about lying.
GUBBIN
As usual.
STAN
Oh man, I suddenly feel kinda sick to my stomach.
When did you steal an antique carriage full of jewels, anyway?
BETULA
Couple months ago. It was parked right outside the Palace, too.
STAN
Betula!
BETULA
Stan, I worked for a Meyurian gangster. I’ve done a lot more than steal a few things.
STAN
Oh geez, I don’t want to know this.
GUBBIN
Oh, it’s fine, Stan. You saw that guy. He was impressed.
STAN
Yeah, but if word gets out…
GUBBIN
We’ll be fine. We just gotta spin it the right way.
STAN
Spin it? Spin it how?
GUBBIN
Well, we’re in Ward Seven. It’s a rough neighbourhood. What percentage of the people out there haven’t been tempted to steal a little something now and then?
STAN
I think that you will find that most of our neighbours are honest, hard-working folks.
BETULA
Gubbin’s right. They’re also gonna understand the pressures someone faces living here, and that it may lead them to take on activities that are not on their face… legal.
GUBBIN
Well said. Well said, niece o’ mine.
STAN
(unconvinced)
I mean, I guess it shows initiative and… what could we say? It shows organization?
BETULA
Yes! Absolutely. It took six of us to pull off that carriage job, and it needed days of planning.
GUBBIN
Oh, that’s good, that’s good. A proven track record of management and leadership.
BETULA
A team player. But decisive.
STAN
I don’t like this any more.
BETULA
It’s okay, Stan. You don’t have to be out there doing the talking.
STAN
But talking is what I’m good at! Lying, not so much.
GUBBIN
Well then, just believe what we tell you, and repeat it to whoever you meet.
STAN
Oh boy.
GUBBIN
I’ll tell you, this is how we attract the big money to our campaign.
STAN
I’m gonna go see if the printer has our pamphlets ready yet.
He heads out.
GUBBIN
(sighs)
Ah, geez. What are we gonna do with that kid?
BETULA
He’ll be fine. Stan’s always fine. He just gets nervous when we try something new.
GUBBIN
Like tell the truth?
BETULA
(laughs)
Yeah. The look on that fella’s face.
GUBBIN
(laughing)
I actually thought his eyes might fall out.
BETULA
I am starting to like this running for office thing.
GUBBIN
It’s more fun than I thought.
Well, I believe I shall freshen up before the afternoon rush starts.
BETULA
All right. I’ll get these posters and things out of the way.
Gubbin heads upstairs and Betula sets to work.
The front door opens.
BETULA
Oh hey, we’re not open until 4:30.
STRANGER
Oh, I’m not looking for a drink. Are you Betula?
BETULA
Yeah. That’s me.
STRANGER
Forgive me. You don’t look exactly like your posters.
BETULA
Sure. Can I help you?
STRANGER
Yes, we’d like to talk about how we could assist you with your campaign.
BETULA
That’s awfully nice of you. When you say “we”—who exactly is that?
The stranger produces a business card.
STRANGER
Stuart Bathbridge. I represent Mysticorp Energy. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Betula.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King, with special guest Thoreau Smiley.
Written and directed by Eli McIlveen and Sean Howard.
Sound design by Eli McIlveen. Produced by Sean Howard.
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. You can get early access to episodes, plus all-new bonus stories and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at AlbaSalix.com.
OUTTAKE: TEAM BETULA
STAN (ART CARLSON)
Team Betula! Team Betu—come on, everybody with me!
BETULA (MARISA KING)
I’m going to my room.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
Team Betula!
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Aw, don’t storm off! Come back here.
STAN (ART CARLSON)
(losing steam)
Team Betula.
GUBBIN (HUGO JONES)
Aah! Who’s a good little niece? Who’s a good little niece?
STAN (ART CARLSON)
(quietly)
I like ponies.
Laughter.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.