The season finale! Betula receives some unexpected help with her run for town council.
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King
Written by Eli McIlveen
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen
Sound design by Eli McIlveen
Produced by Sean Howard
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona
Content warning: more politics.
ELI
Hi everyone. Eli here with the final episode in this season of The Axe & Crown. And yes, before you ask, there’s going to be more. We’ve got plans for our next season underway, and a bunch more bonus episodes too, coming out in the weeks ahead: we’re gonna go on a road trip, we’re gonna meet some of Gubbin’s family and we’re gonna find out what he likes to read. That’s all available to our Specialist level patrons at patreon.com/albasalix. Link in the show notes.
All right! Let’s get back to the tavern.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe & Crown, Round 2!
Episode 6: Back Room Deals.
INT. BAR—AFTERNOON
A boisterous after-work crowd. Gubbin is frantically filling tankards.
PATRON
Hey Gubbin! What happened to those beers?
GUBBIN
I’m comin’, I’m comin’, cool your jets!
Betula emerges from the back room.
BETULA
Hey Uncle. How’s it going out here?
GUBBIN
I’m moving my tushy off! Gosh. It’s Friday, and folks are thirsty.
BETULA
Yeah, sorry, I had an appointment.
GUBBIN
I saw. So, who’s this new friend of yours?
BETULA
Friend?
GUBBIN
That guy you were chatting with in the back room. Didn’t look like one of your usual contacts.
BETULA
True, Stuart kinda stands out around here, doesn’t he.
GUBBIN
Yeah, wearing a suit like that, I figure he’s either a fancy client, or someone with an interest in your election bid.
BETULA
Good guess. Yeah, we’ve met a couple of times. He’s been giving me some information on our incumbent.
GUBBIN
Oh yeah? Like how that little creep keeps getting elected?
BETULA
Exactly. Funny thing about Duffin Braithwick. A couple of challengers who ran against him ended up, you know…
GUBBIN
Slightly waterlogged, yeah.
SECOND PATRON
Another pint, my good man.
GUBBIN
Yep.
(back to Betula)
But that was years ago.
BETULA
Yeah. I guess the disappearances got a little too much attention from the press and the town guard. So Braithwick’s turned to other methods. These days it’s a lot of intimidation outside polling stations, and a little bit of magical ballot-stuffing.
GUBBIN
Hah! I knew it.
BETULA
Apparently he’s found a way of getting around all the safeguards.
GUBBIN
Here you go.
SECOND PATRON
Excellent.
GUBBIN
Sounds like something the press needs to hear about.
BETULA
Absolutely.
THIRD CUSTOMER
I’ll have another half-pint of the dark ale, please?
BETULA
Coming up!
She fills a tankard.
GUBBIN
You find all this out from your Mister Suit?
BETULA
A lot of it. Stuart’s been very helpful.
GUBBIN
What’s his deal, anyway? Sure didn’t look like Guild.
BETULA
No, he’s a rep for Mysticorp Energy.
GUBBIN
Oh, big new money. Hmm. So Mysticorp want Braithwick out, huh? Interesting. Wonder what he did to tick them off.
BETULA
Yeah, it’s not like he’s a competitor.
(to customer)
Here you go.
She slides the tankard over. Coins clink.
THIRD CUSTOMER
Thanks, Betula!
GUBBIN
So has “Stuart” said what he wants from you?
BETULA
No, I guess it’s just future consideration if I actually get on council.
GUBBIN
You gotta be careful what you promise.
BETULA
I haven’t promised anything.
GUBBIN
Has he promised you anything? Or has it all been just dirt on the opposition?
BETULA
Mostly dirt, but he did say he’s very keen to see Braithwick go down.
The door opens and Stan hurries in.
STAN
Hey! Guys! You’re not gonna believe this. Look!
GUBBIN
What’s this?
STAN
It’s a new pamphlet from Constance. You know Mysticorp, the big magical energy company?
BETULA
I… know of them.
STAN
Well, get this. They’re trying to run a transmission line for magical energy right through our ward!
BETULA
Is that a bad thing?
STAN
“Is that a bad thing?” Big time.
You think the potion dumping was dangerous—this is gonna run straight along the waterfront and under the Lookout Bridge, all the way to downtown. Anywhere they run these transmission lines, there’s earthquakes, there’s freak weather events, cats with opposable thumbs…
BETULA
Geez, that is scary.
STAN
Right? We’ve gotta put a stop to this project! Down with Mysticorp!
GUBBIN
Well, this just got interesting.
STAN
Oh, this is gonna be the issue that decides this election. They’re gonna be trying to influence the candidates to get this project pushed through. We must be vigilant.
BETULA
(awkward)
Sure.
INT BAR—MORNING
STAN
All right, team! Time to get on the old campaign trail.
BETULA
Thanks for doing this, Stan.
STAN
You bet! Brunch can wait. Democracy is way more important than mere peanut butter waffles.
GUBBIN
Yup, enjoy yourselves. Good luck pretending that meeting people is fun and worthwhile.
BETULA
You’re always a help, Uncle.
GUBBIN
I know you’re thinking it.
Stan brings out two bags.
STAN
Look, I got us matching satchels to hold all our brochures.
BETULA
Aw, thanks Stan.
(she tries one)
The strap’s a little short.
STAN
Oh, sorry. Yeah. Troll thing. I guess maybe you can sling it over one arm?
A sudden burst of cheering from outside.
GUBBIN
The hell’s going on out there?
BETULA
Some kind of street festival? They’re putting up a ton of banners.
STAN
They’re what?
He runs to the front door and opens it.
GUBBIN
Street festival?
(squints)
“A Taste of Mud Street”. Ha, of course. Look—sponsored by all the Bucket Pubs.
Stan returns.
STAN
All right, this is really the last straw!
GUBBIN
Yeah, I’m sick of the Badger and Bucket—it’s one public nuisance after another with them.
STAN
They organized this whole amazing festival and they didn’t tell us. Other places up and down the street are setting up tables and music stages.
GUBBIN
Argh! Always with the goddamn musicians!
Stan closes the door.
STAN
That Dorothea, she probably planned this for the weekend before election day because she knew we’d be campaigning. They’re gonna sell food all day and make a killing, and here’s us with nothing!
BETULA
I guess this is payback for those firecrackers we sent them disguised as candles?
GUBBIN
Aaa, let ’em have their stupid festival.
STAN
No no no no no, we can do this, we can do this. Hold on. I’m Head of Innovation. Let me think this through. We’re gonna… okay, we’re gonna move some tables outside, and we’re gonna figure out where to get some food at the last minute, we’re gonna…
Silence.
GUBBIN
Uh huh?
STAN
We’re gonna…
BETULA
Look like chumps.
STAN
Aw, man.
Wagon wheels outside. The front door swings open.
STAN
Hi there. Can I help you?
COURIER
(cheery Australian accent)
Yeah, I’m looking for a Betula Erfydsdottir?
BETULA
Yup, That’s me.
COURIER
Hi, I’m Crane! Where do you want us to set up these tables?
BETULA
Tables?
GUBBIN
Tables?
COURIER
Yeah, for the festival?
STAN
Tables?
BETULA
We didn’t order any tables…
COURIER
Oh, no, yeah, we got an order in to deliver two tents, plus tables, signage, a portable stove and all the groceries.
STAN
(looking out the door)
What the heck? Is this your wagon? Holy cow.
COURIER
Yeah! The rest of the crew should be here soon.
BETULA
What crew? Who sent you?
GUBBIN
How much is all this gonna cost us?
COURIER
Cost you? Nothing. This is already paid for. All sales go straight to you.
GUBBIN
What’s the catch?
COURIER
No catch. It’s all taken care of. Oh, there’s a note for you. Here.
Betula opens the note.
BETULA
“All the best for a successful Taste of Mud Street. Looking forward to working closely with you. Regards… Stuart.”
GUBBIN
Yeah, I had a feeling.
STAN
Sorry, Stuart? Who? Who?
COURIER
So, we’ve got five tables, so I’m thinking two on this side of the door, two on that side and one under the window for prep. We’re gonna be serving a stripped-down version of your existing menu: stew, mock pigeon pie, and two ales on tap. I’m just gonna head out and start setting up. Sound good?
STAN
Look, this is great. This all looks amazing, thank you so much—
COURIER
Yeah, you bet!
He closes the front door behind him.
STAN
Can we get back to the Stuart part? Who the heck is Stuart?
BETULA
Just a guy we’ve been meeting with—I’ve been meeting with. He’s been passing me information about Duffin Braithwick. Like that big scandal in the paper last week about how he was using animate ink to alter ballots. That was a tip from Stuart.
STAN
And now this “Stuart” is just suddenly sending us a ready-made booth for the street fair?
GUBBIN
And a whole team to run it? Betula, what exactly did you agree to?
BETULA
Nothing! I didn’t agree to anything! He didn’t tell me anything like this was happening.
GUBBIN
This is all straight out of some kinda fairy tale. Someone waved a magic wand and kapoof, we got a feast to sell all the visitors at the fair.
BETULA
I didn’t even know there was A Taste of Mud Street going on this weekend. None of us knew!
STAN
But this Stuart guy did, clearly. And made this all appear overnight.
GUBBIN
Like magic.
Wait a second. Stan, what was that plan you were warning us about? Some transmission line being built by Mysticorp?
STAN
Yeah, transmission line, yeah. I mean, what does that have to do with any of this?
GUBBIN
You said they’re running the lines through this neighbourhood?
STAN
Yeah?
GUBBIN
I bet you a whole wagonload of pigeon pies that they want to build something just this side of the bridge. Which is owned by Braithwick Shipping.
STAN
Yeah, but what does that have to do with us suddenly having food tents?
BETULA
The guy I met. Stuart. He’s with Mysticorp.
STAN
He’s what?
Mysticorp Energy paid for all this?
BETULA
Yeah!
GUBBIN
Well, that’s what the signs say.
STAN
The signs?! Wait—
(he looks out the door)
Oh no!
GUBBIN
“Mysticorp Energy wishes you a very happy Taste of Mud Street!”
BETULA
I mean, that’s pretty amazing.
STAN
Amazing? No, no, no, we can’t do this!
BETULA
Stan, they totally saved us! We would have had nothing this weekend. Everyone else on the block would have been making money hand over fist and we would have gotten nothing. Now we’ve got a whole team here to sell food for us.
STAN
No no no. No! Tell them we’re giving it back.
BETULA
The food’s already here. Do you want to waste it?
STAN
We can not promote them. They’re the bad guys.
BETULA
What’s the big deal? It’s not like people are really going to vote based on some stupid sign.
GUBBIN
And it looks like they made you some shiny new campaign buttons too.
BETULA
We’re not actually taking money from them.
STAN
We might as well be! Look, I may be the dumbest guy in town and even I know that Mysticorp is gonna want you to do their bidding. They want your support building this transmission line once you win.
BETULA
(laughs)
If we win. Gods help us if that actually happens.
STAN
What do you mean? That’s the whole point. We’re trying to win.
BETULA
Speak for yourself. I just signed on for the free stuff.
STAN
How can you say that? Is this just a game to you? What happens on council affects everyone in this city. And here’s you guys, laughing about taking money from Mysticorp.
BETULA
Well, what do you want me to do? Drop out of the race?
STAN
No, no, no! That’s handing Braithwick another term. We have a chance to make a difference in this city, guys!
GUBBIN
Kid, what difference are we really gonna make?
STAN
Well, none, if you’re gonna be like that. Listen to you two! Don’t you care about anyone but yourselves?
GUBBIN
Hey. Hey! I care about this place. I care about my regulars and my neighbourhood.
STAN
Really? Doesn’t seem that way to me. You’re always complaining about the neighbours. And your regulars. Because no one is ever good enough for you.
GUBBIN
Ouch.
BETULA
Look, Mysticorp is trying to help us take down a corrupt councillor.
STAN
That doesn’t make them saints.
BETULA
Yeah? Well, Stan, it doesn’t make them evil.
GUBBIN
You know what your problem is, Stan—you care too much.
STAN
Yeah? Maybe I do. But who do you think should run this city? People who care or people who don’t?
GUBBIN
You wanna please everybody, and for everybody to just get along, and that’s not reality.
STAN
Maybe not, but we can try to make it reality. We can try to get along.
GUBBIN
Some people are just wrong, Stan.
STAN
Yeah.
And right now, I think that’s you.
And I can’t be part of this.
He walks to the door.
GUBBIN
Suit yourself.
BETULA
No, Stan, come on. We’re just serving food outside for a weekend.
STAN
You’re not even serving the food.
Look, I can’t be here. I can’t be in the middle of all this. I’m gonna go work for someone who does care.
BETULA
Stan…
Stan closes the door. A moment later, it opens again.
COURIER
Hey, is it okay if we store the casks of ale inside?
(awkward pause)
Bad time. I’ll come back.
He closes the door.
INT. BAR—NIGHT
Music and celebration outside. Gubbin and Betula watch from inside.
BETULA
I gotta hand it to them. It all worked.
GUBBIN
The kids on our “street team” said they were up to four hundred crowns already.
BETULA
Wow. It really was a hell of a party. And they’re back at it again tomorrow.
GUBBIN
Yeah. You hand out a lot of campaign flyers?
BETULA
Hundreds. Had a few people interested in booking events here.
GUBBIN
Oh yeah?
BETULA
I overheard a woman raving about the stew, and I’m pretty sure she was a food writer for the Gazette.
GUBBIN
Well, her readers are in for a shock when they come and taste our regular food.
BETULA
Where did all those people come from today?
GUBBIN
With all their money.
BETULA
Yeah.
I mean, I’m not complaining.
GUBBIN
No, no, me neither.
Glum silence.
BETULA
I hope Stan’s doing okay.
GUBBIN
Yeah.
INT. CAFE—DAY
A busy cafe. The door opens with a jingle, and Stan walks up to where Betula is sitting.
STAN
(polite)
Hello, Betula.
BETULA
Stan! Hi. Uh, have a seat? Or I guess you order up there first.
STAN
No, I’m good for now.
BETULA
Yeah. Heh. Feel a little out of place here. But thanks for meeting me.
STAN
Yeah.
BETULA
So… congrats.
STAN
Yeah. You too. You won, that’s…
BETULA
I’m really glad Constance got in.
STAN
Thanks.
BETULA
Did you have a good party after the results came in?
STAN
Oh yeah. Constance gave a really great speech. It was very moving.
BETULA
Aw, that’s great. And you’re gonna be working at her office now, huh?
STAN
Yup. I get my own desk, business cards… it’s pretty sweet.
BETULA
Nice. Heh.
Look, I know we made some bad decisions in this campaign. You were right. We were flying high and didn’t realize what we were doing. I didn’t realize.
We made almost a thousand crowns over the weekend, but… I thought it should go to something more important. I want to donate it to… what’s the organization Constance runs? River Grand Grandmas?
STAN
Grandmas for the Grand. Yeah, that’s it.
That’s a thoughtful gesture, but no. Thank you.
BETULA
What? Think what you could do with that money!
STAN
Money from Mysticorp.
BETULA
It’s money from our weekend selling food at the Axe and Crown.
STAN
Which was all run and managed by Mysticorp. They were handing out buttons. There were sponsorship signs all over your tent. This is Mysticorp money. Betula, we can’t take it.
BETULA
But what am I supposed to do with it?
STAN
Fix the floors, buy new bar stools—why are you asking me?
BETULA
Stan. I’m out of my depth. I never thought I’d actually win.
STAN
Seems like you’re better at this than you thought, huh?
BETULA
Yeah. But… I’m lost.
STAN
Betula, I cut you a lot of slack, you know? All this time, I’ve been looking the other way when people come to you to fence whatever thing they stole—
BETULA
Stan! Shh! Geez.
STAN
Actually, no, I’m not gonna “shh”.
Look, maybe underneath all the stealing and the lying and the sabotaging your competition, maybe underneath that there’s still a good troll with a heart of gold. Or maybe not. I honestly can’t tell any more.
But I want to believe that you can stand up for all those people who voted for you. And you’re not just gonna line your own pockets, or shill for a huge energy company.
BETULA
I won’t. I never signed anything, I never promised them anything. I don’t have to do what they say.
STAN
Yeah. I guess we’ll see.
BETULA
I want to make this right.
STAN
I want to believe you, Betula. I really—I honestly do. I don’t know if I can yet.
BETULA
That’s fair.
STAN
So.
I’m gonna see you at town hall.
BETULA
Yeah, see you there.
STAN
See you there.
Stan walks slowly out.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The Axe and Crown!
Starring Hugo Jones, Art Carlson and Marisa King.
Script and sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Directed by Sean Howard and Eli McIlveen.
Produced by Sean Howard.
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Kona.
If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. You can get early access to episodes, plus all-new bonus stories and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at AlbaSalix.com.
OUTTAKE: SCARED
HUGO JONES
I’m getting scared. I don’t know what’s happening at the end of this.
MARISA KING
I know. Stan’s gonna leave us.
HUGO JONES
(petulant)
And I’m getting scared. And I don’t like it!
MARISA KING
(laughs)
ART CARLSON
I’m sure it’ll be fine!
MARISA KING
It’ll be fine!
ART CARLSON
(laughs)
HUGO JONES
It’ll all be fine. It’ll all work out in the end.
ART CARLSON
You know why I know it’ll be fine? ‘Cause it means there’s gonna be a Season Three!
Laughter.
MARISA KING
That’s right. That’s right.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.