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10: Journey to the Temple, Part 3

Alone in the forest, Blat, Darcy and Eggerton find the temple of the Oracle at last.

Download MP3 (72 MB)

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie

Dialogue editing and transcription: Michael Howie
Additional material and sound design: Eli McIlveen
Story consultant: Laura Packer
Game consultant: Stephen Smith

Content Warning: Violence, dementia, accidental arson.

This week’s podcast recommendation: Dumbgeons and Dragons!

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on the End of Time and Other Bothers…

SEAN

There’s a sign, and it reads: “The Final Inn”.

SEAN (AS JOE)

Not much happens since the Oracle stopped speaking.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The Oracle stopped speaking? Shouldn’t you have known about this?

MAGGIE (AS ANANKA)

This is the first I’ve heard of this.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Why, I’m the goddess of the moon, of course!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Of course you are!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(booming)

The world is out of balance, partly because of your meddling!

(bright and happy again)

But… You are travelling to see the Oracle. Which just happens to be the temple of the Old One!

SEAN (AS JOE)

Frog sort of people? They call themselves the Slaad.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

The Wardens of the New Moon, they call themselves! They are evil.

SEAN

And the room just—zooomp!—resets, and all the food is gone. It’s cobwebs…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Joe?

SEAN

You see a skeleton laying on the bed.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sadly)

Oh, Joe.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi, Chicken Hut!

SEAN

And the door opens, and… you see the minotaur standing in the doorway.

SEAN (AS GREG THE MINOTAUR)

I’m the one who told the Shattering. I’m sorry Ananka.

MAGGIE (AS ANANKA)

I saved you. I tried to help you. This is all because of you!

SEAN (AS GREG)

It’s not. You have to come with me. We only have a small window to fix this. But someone needs to reach the Oracle.

MAGGIE (AS ANANKA)

My three. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You… are going with the minotaur and leaving us? Here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Let’s go forth, Teeeam Fairy!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, I’m the new leader. Let’s go.

PARTY, HOLD

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think there’s something in my shoe.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Other than your foot, what can there possibly be in your shoe?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Like a stone or something? I dunno, it’s kind of pokey.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, all right, just stop for a second and take it out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Everybody! Hold party! Shoe inspection. Oh, no, it’s all good. Shoe back on. Let’s move forward, party.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, let’s go.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Moving forward.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, it’s still—there’s still something pokey! I don’t… Okay, everyone hold. Wait a second.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Stopping.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Take my shoe off… this time I’ll take my sock off… Nope, there’s nothing there. I don’t get it.

Oh well. Party forward!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Here we go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Now my other foot hurts.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sighs)

Do you want to check your other shoe?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure it’s nothing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. Very good.

They walk in silence.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know what, I think we probably should, though, because it’ll bother me if I don’t check it and it turns out to be something. I mean you don’t want to get a little infection the bottom of your foot when you’re walking for a long time, then it’ll slow everyone down later, so it’s probably better time management-wise if we stop now and I take a look.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Time management-wise, you could have checked four times during that sentence. Just check your shoe!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay. Party hold!

No, there’s nothing in there! That’s so funny! I guess… maybe it’s—what is it when you think there’s something wrong and then—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(growls)

Psychosomatic.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah! Psychosomatic stone in my shoe.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s what it is.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yep. Psychosomatic stone in my shoe. PSS.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Let’s go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay. Here we go! Party forward!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Are those even your shoes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh. Wait. You know these aren’t my shoes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, no. My shoes are a different colour than this. These aren’t my shoes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

These are Joe’s shoes. You’re wearing Joe’s shoes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think you’re… well, okay. We’ll all head back. We should all head back actually, and I’ll change them out for my shoes and then we can get going again. It won’t take that long.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You stole Joe’s shoes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I didn’t steal Joe’s shoes! I just put on a pair of shoes that were next to where my shoes were and they kind of fit.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know if we have time to go back and get his shoes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Look, we’ve only been on the road for like a minute and a half. We’ve got a long way to go. Let’s just head back, get the shoes and then we can go again.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think Blat should get the shoes. You’re going to get distracted by raccoons again.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m not going to get distracted by—there’s a raccoon? Where’s the raccoon?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs)

Oh gosh.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I never got to talk to the raccoon…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, go. Go get the shoes, Blat. We’ll wait here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fine.

CARTER

And Blat flies off towards the Final Inn.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So how are you doing, Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How did you even think those were your shoes? They look like old man shoes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but I never look down a lot, and when I look down, I can’t always see my shoes, because I’ve got a bit of a belly and…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh brother. We’re never going to get to this Oracle.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m sure we’ll get there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. Here are your shoes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ah! That was quick.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Roderick says hello.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! How is Roderick?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t care. Just keep moving.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay, no, we’ve got to put the new shoes on. Hold on. Let me sit, get these off… put these back on… wiggle around. Okay, that’s better! Can you take Joe’s shoes back?

CARTER

Blat takes Joe’s shoes from Eggerton, holds them in his hands… and they burst into flame.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, that was kind of rude.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s fine.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, what’s Joe going to walk around in now?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Trust me. Joe has… nothing to worry about walking-wise any longer.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What… what does that mean? I mean, he was very up and moving around…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, party hold!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sighs)

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie.

Episode 10: Journey to the Temple, Part 3.

FLASH FORWARD

Peaceful birdsong and distant city sounds.

SEAN

We open in the suburbs: green grass, cobbled streets. It’s a hot day with a nice breeze… And an orderly is walking past us, past a sign, into a large building with two wings, and the sign reads: The Rusty Scabbard. And beneath it in small print, it reads: Oxidised But Not Forgotten.

And as the orderly goes to open the door, an older demon man shambles out, bumbling and apologizing, and using a walker… and passes out into the street. And the camera’s torn: do we go inside? But then it turns and follows this older half-demon who, once he gets about 500 feet out of sight of the old age home, he tosses aside the walker and starts humming to himself as he heads towards his destination… which is a coffee shop on the corner.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

(sings)

I’m going to eat… half-decent food! I’m going to eat… half-decent food! No more old man slop…

The bell on the front door jingles. The street sounds fade.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Ahhh! Hello?

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Oh! Hello, welcome, welcome! Can I—oh, no, you have to order up here.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Oh! I’m terribly sorry. I haven’t done this in a while.

(conspiratorial whisper)

I live in a home.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Oh yes, I remember you! Uh… Bruce?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Blat.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Blat. I’m so sorry.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

It’s close.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Welcome, welcome. Please, what can I get you? We have a line of mochas, coffees, semi-sweet sweets…

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

It’s too much to choose from. All right. My good woman, here’s what I want. I want you to bring me something they would not serve in an old folks’ home. Something good! You know, real… mmmm!—that’s not grey slop. Just something, here, right in front of me…

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Okay, yes! Do they serve pudding? I have this lovely pudding—

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Pudding? We’re drowning in pudding! No! Give me something—

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Uh… scones?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I don’t even know what that is! Bring that out. Bring scones.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

All right. Here, I’ll get you… Would you like it heated up? Lukewarm?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Heated? Ohh! They never ask us any of that. It’s just “Here’s your slop…”

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Heated up, then?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Yes… No. Wait! I think I can do that.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Oh, okay.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Just bring me a scone.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Here you go, sir. And what would you like to drink?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Uh…

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

We have mint mocha, carob mocha…

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Not-home drink. Not-home drink.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Not-home drink.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

What do they not serve at the home?

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Oh. Do they do they serve coffee mochas?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I don’t know what that is.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

It’s sort of our specialty. I’ll make a small one up for you.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Okay, here we go! Just gonna hold this scone in my hands and think really hard…

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Here you go, sir. Here’s the mocha.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

It’s happening. It’s happening!

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Oh. Is something on fire? Oh, I think I left the toaster on. I’ll be right back!

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Ahhh! Still got it.

The front door opens.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Oh hi there, Blat! How are you doing buddy? What are you doing?

A smoke detector beeps shrilly.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

The alarm’s going off! Sorry! Sorry!

Chaos.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

No, that’s—that’s—

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

My scone! My scone! I did something to the scone.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

I got it off.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Oh, did someone let him try and heat up his own food?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Uh…

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

What?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

You let him—you can’t let him heat up his own food.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I can still do it! I still got it.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yeah, you sure do, buddy! Why don’t you go have a seat. I’ll get you a nice hot scone.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Madam, I’m terribly sorry about the scone.

(whispers)

I’m from the future, you know.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Okay. Yes. We’re all from the future, Blat.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Are you paying for his?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yeah, I’ll… I’ll take care of that. So I’ll have a black coffee with eight sugar.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

And can I also get seven pleather creams?

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Yes.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

And I’ll have a scone heated, with some black pepper on it if you can.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Black pepper. On the scone.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

On the scone, yes.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Oh, so a savory scone!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Sure. We’ll have that. All right, and we’ll just be over here. Bring that over when it’s ready, please.

Blat, old fellow! How are you doing? I’m so glad you were able to get away.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I’m eating a scone!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Well, you’re eating what was a scone, yes, and we’ve got another one coming…

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

They don’t serve these in the home!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

No, they don’t, after what you did to the scone machine. But that’s okay. That’s why we don’t say the B‑word anymore! So, how are you? What’s been new?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Well, yesterday they bathed me!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

That’s, that’s… nice. Um, did they get both sides?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Uh… Let me check!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Oh. Yeah. Okay. So maybe we’ll just tie the robe closed? We’ll keep that closed…

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

No, I think I’m good! I’m clean on both sides.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yep. I can see—everyone in here can see that, Blat. Why don’t you close the robe over…

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Here’s your coffee, sir.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Thank you.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Um, is he okay?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Oh he’s just fine. He’s having a good time, thanks…

The front door bell jingles.

SEAN (AS THE BARISTA)

Oh, another customer just came in. I’ll be back.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Oh! Eggerton! Ha, sorry! I just got my gear here. Let me just wheel it over…

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

All right! Welcome. Slide in next to me.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

I’m just gonna put that there. I’ll put the mic right here, the mics—is that okay?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Oh, is this Blat?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Blat?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

(startled)

Aaa!

I’m eating a scone!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes! And this is my friend.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Rando, hi.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Rando.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Hi, nice to meet you, Blat. I’m really honoured. I’ve been hearing all about your tales, and I got really excited when Eggerton said we could hear both of you together today.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yeah, I thought it would be a lot of fun, Blat! We’ll talk about our adventures in the past!

Silence.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I’m clean on both sides!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes, well, you don’t need to show, though.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I’m sorry. I did it again.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

So, Blat… Rando here is going to make us famous. Everyone in Farloria reads his blog.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Um, well, not everyone yet. But I’m hoping, you know!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes, we’re hopeful it’s everyone, and they’ll tell all of their friends and then even more of everyone will read the blog!

SEAN (AS RANDO)

So let me just—

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

It’s going to be so much fun, and everyone in all of Farloria is going to know about our adventures!

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Oh boy.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Nobody believes me when I tell a story.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

I believe you, Blat.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Well, you were there! Here. Let’s see if he believes me. Rando!

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Yes.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

My friend and I are actually from centuries in your future!

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Yes, he’s told me.

Silence.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Well, all right then! Let’s begin.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Okay, so I’ll guess I’ll recap where you got us to, Eggerton, so far?

Okay. So I think where we are, Blat, is Eggerton has just saved the day and fought off the witch, and the goddess of the moon at the inn and then led you valiantly past some chicken hut on your way to see the… what is it? Uh… it’s the oracle of… or Oracle Idries.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes! Idries the Oracle.

(raises his voice)

Remember? Do you remember Idries, Blat? Idries, after the chicken house?

SEAN (AS RANDO)

That you slayed.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes, I slayed the chicken house valiantly.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Slayed? You couldn’t slay anything!

(to Rando)

In the future time, he worked as a public relations… expert, if you want to use the E‑word, which around him I definitely would not.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Yes. Wasn’t he the head of Public Relations?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

The head of Public…? No! He was a flunky! At least I knew I was a flunky, but I was happy with that.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

So Blat, he’s old, he gets a little confused sometimes. That’s okay. Some of the details may be a bit hazy. We’ll go over it afterwards and help you sort out some of the details here.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

So you left us in our last session where you were on the path to this temple…

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

And you said there were these Slaad.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yeah, the Slaad.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

So I believe you were in front with your giant sword.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes! Do you remember my giant sword, Blat?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Well, what I remember is that… well, who used to actually take care of business was our good friend Darvin. Remember Darvin? He was great, wasn’t he? Darvin also came from the future. Like us.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Darvin? I don’t have a Darvin…

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

No, he means Darcy, who was my aide-de-camp.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Yes, yes.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

But you know, I don’t like talking about Darcy after what happened between us. It was a very torrid, torrid affair and I feel—

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

You and Darvin?!

MIKE

(laughs)

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I’ll admit, back then I thought maybe I would have a chance with Darvin, but… you? But all you did was chew on fairy cakes! That was all you did! Me, I learned I had this special ability where a metal tube would appear in my hands—

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

No, no, don’t, we can’t! Don’t say the B‑word. No B‑word.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

What B‑word?

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

When I said a certain word…

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

(lowers his voice)

See, if he said the word bazooka really loud…

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I’m going to say the word now!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

No, don’t say—don’t say the word.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

BA… NANA!

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Okay, that was close.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

What’s supposed to happen?

MIKE

(laughs)

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

It was supposed to… I haven’t done it in so long. That might not be the word.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

So maybe, Blat, you could tell me what you remember? It was a hot day, I’m told, and you were heading on the way to the temple…

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

(fondly)

I remember… there was a beautiful woman who called herself the goddess of the moon. And she made us breakfast. And that is the least surprising part of this story.

We had to walk a great distance because the chicken house left, and took a very unreliable witch with her. She was dating a man who looked like a bull, who told us he was responsible for the end of time—dear lord, I do said like a rambling crazy person. How does this make any sense?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

I was in front with the sword. Darcy was behind me.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Okay, yep, yep.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

She was a little afraid, but you know, I was protecting her. And then Blat was in the back with his bazooka making sure nothing snuck up on us.

THE SLAAD

Birds sing, deep in the forest.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(whining)

Guys, wait uuup! It’s been too long and my legs hurt and you won’t let me eat a fairy cake.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hurry up! We have to get to this Oracle.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Besides, we’ve been walking for seven minutes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s just so hot outside, and I didn’t bring any extra water and you won’t let me eat the fairy cakes and… just maybe a little bit and it’ll give me a pop so I can keep going?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We give you three canteens of water. You drank them in seven minutes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You drank my canteen of water?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you don’t need water, Blat! You’ll just turn it into steam, right?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well I am half human! See, Darcy, this is why I appreciate that you’re here. You’re really the reason why any of this works. You’re so important to me, Darcy. I’m never going to forget you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Gee, Blat. That’s a really nice thing to say!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’m sorry… just spending too much time with this other one, I tend to go a little bit crazy. I’m just glad that you’re here.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

(in a thick, lisping voice)

Halt, there! Halt!

SEAN

Ahead of you—you all freeze on this path, I assume—and ahead of you, out of the brush, steps a Slaad.

You see a hooded figure. You see shiny red skin. Hulking, large, humanoid—but with what you could only refer to as maybe toad-like features in the face? And long arms that go all the way to the ground that end in red claws that are quite long.

And on the robe is emblazoned a moon. And this is where, Blat, you are going to do a Spout Lore roll.

CARTER

(sings as he rolls)

Going to… spout some lore… once I roll… a 7.

MARISA

…more than 4.

MIKE

(laughs)

Oh, that would have been a good one.

SEAN

So this would be… Do you get an Intelligence bonus? Roll +Intelligence?

CARTER

That would be a 1. So I have an 8.

SEAN

So I will tell you something interesting, probably not useful.

CARTER

(laughs)

Sounds like my entire educational experience.

Laughter.

CARTER

“Here’s an interesting fact that will do you no good later on in life.”

SEAN

You recognize the Slaad as demon brethren.

MARISA

Ooo.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Halt! Who goes there?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It is I! A fellow red-skinnèd traveler. We’re actually trying to, um, get to a vacation spot not too far from here. Perhaps you could help us out. It’s some sort of a temple, perhaps?

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

You go to our temple?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I didn’t realize it was your temple… But we seem to be similar! Perhaps distant cousins of some kind. Would it be so bad if I and these two other non-red-skinnèd people came to visit your temple?

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

You must come to the temple.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now we must come to the temple. So before it seemed like you didn’t want us to come to the temple. But now we must come to the temple.

SEAN

Darcy, you sense movement on both sides of the trail in the forest, and you catch sight of a hooded figure moving beside you. And you sense other movement on the other side.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

I think we’re being surrounded.

MIKE

I grip my stick tightly and hide behind Darcy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So is there a faster way to get to the temple? The other fellow here, he’s been complaining about the walking.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Yes. We will carry you to the temple.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

…did he say “carry us to the temple” or “kill us to the temple”?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(whispers)

See, I don’t think “kill us to the temple” is grammatically correct.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(whispers)

I heard “gill us to the temple”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sir, did you say you would carry us to the temple?

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Yes!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

See, it’s “carry us to the temple”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s very nice of them. I was a little afraid at first but they seem quite kind.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Kneel on the ground! Put your hands behind your head!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…that doesn’t sound so kind.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Is this a helpful carrying-to-the-temple? Are we being… oh, are we being captured?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are we being sacrificed?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is there going to be snacks?

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

I will carry you to the temple.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is the fastest way to get to the temple. I think we should just—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sir? Sir.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

The name is Fath.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Faphth?

SEAN (AS FATH)

Fath.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Fath.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fath.

SEAN (AS FATH)

Fath, yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fath. So he’s Fath.

SEAN (AS FATH)

Kneel on the ground! Put your hands behind your head!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, again, I don’t see why we need to kneel on the ground and put our hands behind our head, but—fine. If it’ll get us to the temple faster.

MIKE

I kneel and put my hands behind my head.

MARISA

I kneel and put my hands behind my head.

CARTER

I kneel and put my hands behind my head.

SEAN (AS FATH)

Glytha! Put them on the pole!

SEAN

And they’re bringing two large poles in and and the Slaad demons are coming around with rope…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t like this.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know if I want to be put on a pole.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t want to be poled.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fath…

SEAN

They all halt immediately. They stop.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Is it truly necessary to tie us to poles and carry us as if we’re yesterday’s groceries?

SEAN (AS FATH)

Hmm. You may fight one of us.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I may…? I didn’t want to a start a fight, why am I…? Can’t we just settle this like mature, red-skinnèd gentlemen? My two friends and I do not wish to be tied to a pole. Do you have a wagon of some sort that we may travel in?

SEAN (AS FATH)

We have the pole.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Just poles. Not much of a—

SEAN (AS FATH)

Or you may fight us all. We give you the honour of demonhood. One at a time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, I thought he just had to fight one of you. Now he has to fight all of you?

SEAN (AS FATH)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, Blat, we’ll be over here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait, what?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’m going to go over here and hide behind this rock.

(whispers)

Darcy, quick! Over here.

(aloud)

Go team Blat!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, gentlemen. I see that perhaps…

SEAN (AS FATH)

Hold on a second. Lasbo?

SEAN (AS LASBO)

Yes!

SEAN (AS FATH)

Do you want fight him to the death as a demonborn?

SEAN (AS LASBO)

No!

SEAN (AS FATH)

Okay. Glytha!

SEAN (AS GLYTHA)

Yes!

SEAN (AS FATH)

Do you want to fight him to the death as a demonborn?

SEAN (AS GLYTHA)

Okay!

SEAN (AS FATH)

Very good. Glytha will be the first to fight you.

SEAN

And one of them starts taking off their robe, and their arms are quite long, but they’re quite humanoid and very demonborn. And very long claws.

SEAN (AS FATH)

This is Glytha. Glytha, meet…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Blat. Pleased to meet—

SEAN

They all take a step back when you say your name.

SEAN (AS FATH)

It is he! Very well. Glytha, meet Blat—the Chosen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did he say “Chosen”?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think he said “Chosen”. If he’s the Chosen, why are you fighting him?

SEAN (AS FATH)

Because he won’t get on the pole.

Laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well… if I am indeed chosen, and for what, I am certain I do not know, I don’t see why I need to travel by pole. Now… all right. If we’re to fight, let me just do one little thing first. It’s a two step process.

SEAN (AS FATH)

Glytha, attack!

SEAN

Glytha charges you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sadly)

Oh, Glytha…

SEAN

Pretty fast, as a lumbering… like, she’s using her hands and her feet, and charging. And the claws are, I’d say five inches long.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Bazooka!

SEAN

Okay. And as you call Bazooka, you need to roll Defy Danger. There is an incoming Slaad Warden of the New Moon, with glistening claws.

Carter rolls.

MARISA

Oo, that’s pretty good.

CARTER

That’s a 10.

SEAN

Damn!

MARISA

It’s a natural 10.

SEAN

So what’s your Dex? Anyway, it doesn’t matter, you succeed. That is a full success. What do you want to have happen?

CARTER

As a bazooka fills my hand, I flip the bazooka up end over end, and connect with her chin as she charges at me.

SEAN

Roll your damage, which is d8.

CARTER

Aw, 1?!

SEAN

So you clock Glytha good, and she goes flying backwards, lands on her back, and all of the Slaad around you go

SEAN (AS SLAAD ONLOOKERS)

Whumpa, whumpa, whumpa!

SEAN

And she starts getting up and turns, hissing at you—hsssss!—and is about to attack.

CARTER

I then flip my bazooka back around the other way… and fire at a tree outside of the group.

SEAN

Okay let’s roll Volley.

CARTER

6… plus my Dex. 7.

SEAN

That’s barely…! Okay, so the missile zooms out, hits a tree. The tree goes up in a big ball of flame, but she takes that moment to actually swipe with her long arm at you as she like moves around to your side… and you’re going to take 7 hit points of damage.

Groans around the table.

CARTER

So she clocks me really good.

SEAN

Yeah. But they all they are now turned—they almost don’t see that. The rest of them all turn to watch this tree explode into flame and they’re all going,

SEAN (AS SLAAD ONLOOKERS)

Whumpa, whumpa, whumpa! The Chosen! The Chosen! Whumpa, whumpa, whumpa!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Woompa, woompa! Uh… woompa…

(whispers)

Blat, get up! I’m distracting them for you!

Woompa!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

Stop whumpa-ing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, sorry.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, as you can see, I can make things explode. Now, you may be large and powerful, but maybe we can call it a draw—

SEAN (AS GLYTHA)

To the death!

SEAN

Defy Danger. She’s coming for you.

CARTER

6.

SEAN

So… she just tackles you, and you just—halfway through Blat’s speech, he’s just taken out, like a by a bus. And he goes flying backwards and ends up in a tangle on the ground and the Slaad is on top of you, hissing, and is basically going to try and bite you. What do you want to do?

CARTER

Try to get the bazooka into her mouth.

Laughter.

SEAN

Let’s roll Defy Danger.

CARTER

To prevent biting from happening.

7.

SEAN

Okay, so you manage to get the bazooka into her mouth but she actually just crimps down on it, and it literally just crimps it into a piece of flat metal in the middle. And she’s just hissing and the venom coming out of her mouth is dripping down on you and it’s acidic. Uh, do you have any natural… against acid? I don’t remember.

CARTER

Uh… The only natural thing I have against acid is—oh yes, I see it written here. “Just avoid acid.”

Laughter.

SEAN

Okay, so you take another 2 hit points of damage as the acid’s coming down on your chest.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Was that acid?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think so. He looks pretty hurt. Wait, wait! I have an idea.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blat! Open wide!

Laughter.

MIKE

I reach into my bag and take out a fairy ball. And throw it as hard as I can towards Blat’s mouth, from behind the rock.

SEAN

As in, a fairy cake shaped like a ball?

MIKE

Yes. Like those little snowballs you get at Christmas.

MARISA

With coconut on it.

SEAN

Roll Volley. So this would be a Volley, with a +Dex.

MIKE

11!

MARISA

Oh my God.

Laughter.

SEAN

So literally, Eggerton stands up, winds up and throws the fairy cake right down your mouth and all the way down your throat. You don’t even get to chew it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(choking down the cake)

Hagh! Aghhh!

SEAN

Roll Fairy Cakes.

MIKE

Rolling Fairy Cakes. This is +Wisdom, I believe?

SEAN

Yeah, you should be rolling +Wisdom.

MIKE

Yeah, +Wisdom. That is 10!

MARISA

Wow.

SEAN

Just barely. What’s the healing on it?

MIKE

(laughs)

The healing, it is… “heal them d8 + Wisdom.” That was successful, so d8…

SEAN

Do you have a Wisdom bonus?

MIKE

That is 11.

SEAN

You get 11 hit points back.

MARISA

(laughs)

MIKE

Fairy cakes to the rescue.

SEAN

I’m sort of picturing the Popeye thing, where the spinach goes right down his throat and your whole body goes whump—whump—whump! and your arms whumma-whumma!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton! I’m impressed!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So am I!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That was a really good throw!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know what happened!

SEAN (AS FATH)

Another combatant has entered!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I—I—I didn’t enter…

SEAN

And one of the Slaad starts taking their robe off and approaching Eggerton.

MARISA

Uh-oh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I did not actually enter… I stayed back.

SEAN (AS FATH)

There is a second contestant in the battle!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I—okay, I… all right…

SEAN

And that Slaad is now charging and the Slaad on top of you, Glytha, is trying to get the metal out of her mouth so she can chomp down on your shoulder.

CARTER

Just shoving my now crunched bazooka further into her.

SEAN

Okay. Roll Defy Danger. You’re basically just trying to keep her from biting you.

CARTER

6… + Dex is a 7.

SEAN

She bites all the way through it and then comes down and chomps right down on your shoulder…

CARTER

Ohhh!

SEAN

For d8 +… that’s 6 damage, and—do you have armor, by the way? You don’t.

CARTER

No.

MIKE

He has a buttoned-down white dress shirt.

SEAN

So that is 6 damage.

So you see the Slaad demon bite right down into his chest, like right on his shoulder. And there is a Slaad charging Eggerton.

MIKE

Darcy Darcy Darcy I’m scared Darcy Darcy I’m scared scared what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do oh God I’m gonna run I’m gonna run.

SEAN

Roll Defy Danger for running.

MIKE

That is 7.

SEAN

Okay. So Eggerton takes out in a dead run—and clotheslines himself right on a branch, flipping himself up and around the branch and hits the ground for 3 hit points of damage.

But the Slaad is so taken by surprise they charge right past Eggerton and into the forest, off the trail. Eggerton is now dazed on the ground.

MIKE

Ow.

MARISA

Okay, so when I see that the Slaad has chomped down on Blat’s shoulder, I believe? I pick up the large stick that Eggerton dropped, and I run over and I say,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Get off him!

MARISA

And I take a whack at her back.

SEAN

Okay! Roll Hack and Slash.

MARISA

Is that just two…?

SEAN

Yeah, 2d6.

MARISA

It’s a 4.

(laughs)

SEAN

Okay, so you do. You connect, you’re beating at the back of Glytha, and Glytha’s just sort of ignoring you.

SEAN (AS GLYTHA)

Ah hah hah! I shall eat him!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Stop it! Let go of him!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The sticks! We’ll travel by sticks! I don’t mind any more!

SEAN (AS FATH)

He has spoken! Do you all concur?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(weakly)

Yes!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I guess so?

SEAN (AS FATH)

Then please kneel and put your hands behind your head.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ll have you know, I was trying to spare you from the bazooka shell. But I see it now that was a mistake.

SEAN

Glytha bows to you—

SEAN (AS GLYTHA)

Oh, the Chosen One. Thank you for the battle.

SEAN

And backs away.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is a very strange form of worship that’s going on here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s tough love.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I jog back over, out of breath and a little dazed.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That was a good shot, my friend. I feel like there’s far too much sugar in my system, but… there’s too many of them. Just kneel down and put your hands over your head.

MIDROLL

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hey. Sean here. All right, this week I want to introduce all of you to a very special actual play podcast with some of the sweetest people ever and I’ve totally fallen in love with it. Four friends come together for adventure and to play D&D, and they don’t let the fact that two of them have moved to the other side of the world stop them. I just love this show so much and I look forward to it every week in my feed. Search for Dumbgeons and Dragons anywhere you listen to podcasts, or visit dumbdragons.com.

A PAID MESSAGE

Ominous music.

MIKE

(ominous voice)

Celene wants to be in charge.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(sweetly)

Okay, everyone, just move that over three—I SAID THREE FEET!

MIKE

Celene thinks she can do what she wants with the Slaad.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh, aren’t you a pretty little thing.

MIKE

Celene wants to be in charge of your life.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh no, it’s fine! You can all just—DIE NOW.

MIKE

But there’s another opportunity. Loxsyn.

Loxsyn’s soothing theme plays.

MIKE

You can follow Loxsyn using the hashtag #otherbothers. You can throw your support behind Loxsyn at patreon.com/albasalix. And you can rate and review Loxsyn’s policy on iTunes by searching for “Other Bothers”.

Say no to the rule of Celene.

SEAN (AS LOXSYN)

(whispers)

Cheesecake.

MIKE

Say yes to Loxsyn.

SEAN (AS LOXSYN)

Say yes to cheesecake.

MIKE

Paid for by the Committee to Elect Loxsyn.

THE CAFE

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Oh! That was amazing. Okay, so what happened next?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Well, I don’t think that I maybe hit the tree that hard, but you know… sure, I let Blat and Darcy take the lead on that one. So anyway, skipping ahead…

(whispers)

I’ll talk with you later about fixing some of this stuff.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Oh, okay…

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

So later on, we were being carried… It was a little uncomfortable, a little hot, but you know…

SEAN (AS RANDO)

What does it mean—like, you were “carried”. What do you mean, carried?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Oh, they came out and they had these chairs on poles that we sat down in…

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Oh, like kings.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes, because they respected us for being so brave and powerful.

SEAN (AS RANDO)

Wow.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

I thought they were going to eat us.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Well, yes because you’re confused, Blat, old friend.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

No… One ate my metal tube… and then I thought she was going to eat me. I was especially worried for poor Darvin. Oh… they were gonna eat Darvin.

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Yes, and it would’ve been a sad loss to our party… But that wasn’t her day.

CARTER (AS OLD BLAT)

Her day?

MIKE (AS OLD EGGERTON)

Anyway, we moved along at a good clip and got to the temple. And that is where my oratory skills, that I am so well known for, really came out…

THE TEMPLE

SEAN (AS RANDO)

We are far above the forest, and we see a giant tree rising up in the distance. It is like a city coming out of the forest. It must be 250 feet tall, and flocks of birds in the thousands launch themselves off of sections and circle around and land in others.

And down, far beneath us, we see a group of Slaad, all robed, carrying a makeshift set of thrones on sticks, and riding on those, in the lead, is Eggerton. Next is Blat, and in the third is Darcy.

As they approach the clearing at the base of this giant tree, the Slaad all set down the sticks with the chairs on them and bow before the three adventurers.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I wish I’d known this is what they meant by putting us on poles. That wasn’t so bad.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I did think we were going to be tied to a pole and then placed over an open fire. You know, for eating.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, sure. Who wouldn’t have thought that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, absolutely.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I guess they just recognized how important I am, and decided to go through with it. Now, everyone stand back. I’m going to use a little bit of my PR charm to convince them to help us find Idries.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, please don’t.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’ve found so far that when it comes to the talky-talk you should be spending more time filling your gob with fairy cakes. Again, thank you very much for that fairy cake save from earlier… but I don’t know if this is the best idea.

SEAN

One of them raises from the supine position and says,

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

What can we do for you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Slaad! Thank you for bringing us to this majestic place on this noble quest of ours to find Idries. If you would please regale us with the lore you have learned of Idries so we can go forth and rescue all of time, it would be much appreciated. Thank you. You are now in awe.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, this is going to go well.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Idries is a false prophet!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The fourth prophet?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

False prophet.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, the false prophet.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s… Okay, so maybe we could speak with Idries the true prophet, her sister…

SEAN

They all look a little horrified.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh yeah, that’s… I, uh, so… yes, that is what I said. And I think maybe it would be best if Darcy…

MIKE

And I kind of start shuffling behind her—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

…you were to take the lead in this case now. I have prepared the crowd for you. I’ve warmed them up and they’re all yours to go. And I’m going to be over here and… oh look! There are some flowers over there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thanks, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And I wander off to look at the flowers.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, hey!

SEAN

One of them immediately stops you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh!

SEAN

Like, holds up one of their staffs, blocking your path.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay… I’ll stay here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Don’t touch the flowers.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They are particular about their geraniums.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Are you done insulting us?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no! We didn’t mean to insult you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Was it the geranium thing…?

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

The false prophet!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The false prophet, yes. We believe that Idries is a false prophet. Could we… speak to Idries anyway?

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Hmm. Why?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Darcy here… went to college with her!

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Yes. She may speak with the false prophet. Come with us.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And that, my dear Eggerton, is how you orate.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So because we were roomies we get to go talk to her?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, who would turn down that particular request?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know, a group of robed amphibians who tried to eat your head off?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Who still appreciate that the friends that one has early in life are the most important.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh boy.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Are you coming?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, let’s go.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, we’re right behind you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh yes.

SEAN

Okay. So the Slaad warriors lead you forward, and there is a giant opening in this tree that must be 80, 90 feet tall and inside, the tree is not really hollow but carved out into a variety of passageways. It doesn’t look like it was ever carved by tools. It’s as if it was naturally formed this way.

And they’re leading you through a maze of corridors and then into a room that makes the quarters you’ve been traveling in look tiny. Most of the tree—it’s the heart chamber in the tree. And there are pews lining most of the back of the room where you’re entering from, and then it’s open, up to a giant altar.

And in front of the altar is standing what appears to be a woman in full plate mail, with the crest of the moon—the same crest that you see on the Slaad demon warriors that are escorting you in. But she is some distance away. This room is massive.

And there are a few people, Slaad, that are on the pews, and they they stop when you stop, the Slaad warriors that are escorting you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So… go say hi to your old friend.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So I start down the middle aisle towards…

SEAN

Okay. They separate and allow you to approach.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Tentatively, and as I reach the front of the room…

SEAN

That’s sort of the center, yeah, could be the front.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t really know how to approach this woman so I kind of sort of bow my head a little bit but in a really awkward way, like maybe sort of I’m being a supplicant but not doing it very well.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

Who are you? What do you want?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you Idries?

SEAN

You sense a thousand bodies, it feels like, in this room, all stiffen, and weapons start to be drawn.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

You might want to reword that question.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey…! So who are you?

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

Better. You may call me High Priestess.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. And this is your tree?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

It is now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hmm! And these are your… people?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

(a very slight laugh)

You mean my warriors?

SEAN

She smiles and looks out, and they all sort of relax a little.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes. These are the Wardens of the New Moon. We are returning this temple to its rightful beginnings.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ah. So… If there had been a wrongful beginning person here… just as a matter of interest, what would have happened to that obviously wrongful person?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

You’re speaking of the false prophet.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Of course! The false prophet.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes. She is… being entertained.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Well that doesn’t sound so bad.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sure it’s bad, Blat.

SEAN

Oh! Are you approaching too?

CARTER

Just sort of stuck my head in for a moment.

SEAN

The priestess literally reaches out and just pushes you to the side, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What—excuse me!

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

What have we here?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The story of my life.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hello! Uh… we were just trying to talk to that false prophet! Heh. We’re from an organization that’s—

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes yes yes, that’s enough.

SEAN

She’s scanning the room.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Who brought… Fath! Up here now.

SEAN

You see one of the demon Slaad scurrying forward.

SEAN (AS FATH)

Yes, High Priestess.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Who is this?

SEAN (AS FATH)

The Chosen One, Priestess.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Again, I don’t know what I’m chosen for.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Very good.

Yes. I’m sorry.

SEAN

And she turns back to you, Darcy.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

What can I help you with, darling?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So why so much interest in my friend Blat? He seems to really get a rise out of you and your compatriots here.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

He is demonborn, as we are.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ahh. Well then, Blat, old buddy… maybe you should come up here and do some of the talking! Really, Blat’s the one who needs the favor.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, excuse me, everyone…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is there a restroom in the tree? I had a bit of water earlier, and then there was a lot of running, and we were carried and it was a bouncy trail…

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

What is speaking right now?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I need to go and I don’t want to be rude but this is a tree—

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

What is that?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I figured, you know, if you can’t find a restroom you can use a tree…

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Someone tell me what that sound is!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But we’re inside a tree and—what? What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Get up here!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello! I’m looking for a restroom…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just look down.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh sorry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, not you. Her.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just look down. That’s what that is.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

A fae in my temple with the Chosen One.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, yes. I’m just… you know, I can just pick a corner—I’m comfortable doing that. This is a tree. So that’s what we used to do, you know, when we couldn’t find a—

SEAN

She points to one of the Slaad.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

You! Take him. Take him to do his business.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Excellent. Thanks so much!

MIKE

And I trot off.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Now. How can I help you? I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Darcy.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Darcy. Let me reintroduce myself. I am High Priestess Ithcar…

SEAN

And she bows quite formally.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

…at your service. I believe you were inquiring as to our false prophet.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. We’re just interested to know what happened to her.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Well. We are looking for a new prophet.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So are you holding auditions?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And how’s that going?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Not good.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I see. So you yourself do not consider yourself a prophet? Or a potential prophet?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

(growls)

Some of us are called to higher callings!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh. Okay.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

It’s not that we’re not worthy!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right. So I’ve touched a nerve here. So hey, here’s a little question: Why does everyone keep calling Blat the Chosen One?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

I doubt he is the Chosen One.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, Blat. I doubt it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I never said I was the Chosen One!

My good woman. You’re looking for a new prophet and that’s all well and good. We’re in the market for an old one. So perhaps if you could just point us in the general direction where the old prophet was… banished to, we’ll get out of your tree, and I’ll remove the fairy from what he’s probably doing, which is messing up your restroom.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Very well.

SEAN

And she steps back, and as she steps back, the altar—it’s massive, and made out of wood—starts to pull back, exposing a beautiful set of ornate stairs that are going down.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

She is in the inner sanctum. You are welcome to visit her.

The false prophet.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey guys! You have got to check the bathrooms in this place. It’s like these little notches in the tree—

SEAN

And that’s when one of the Slaad shoves Darcy.

MARISA

(gasps)

SEAN

Darcy, roll Defy Danger.

MARISA

7.

SEAN

And Darcy goes stumbling down the stairs…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Aa! Aaaa!

SEAN

But manages to grab one thing as she falls. What do you grab?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I grab a tree root that’s coming through the staircase.

A rumbling of wood on wood.

SEAN

And so Darcy is left hanging halfway down the stairs, clinging to this branch, as the altar begins to close above her. She scrambles up the stairs, madly trying to reach the rest of the party… but the altar closes. And Darcy is left alone at the top of the stairs in the dark.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with Michael Howie as Eggerton, Marisa King as Darcy and Carter Siddall as Blat.

Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.

Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer.

Game consultant: Stephen Smith.

Join us on Patreon for weekly bonus content, access to our Discord server, and lots more. Find out how at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE

Laughter.

MIKE

I’m looking at my—no, at first…

MARISA

That’s hilarious.

MIKE

I was looking at my notes, I’m going, “Darvin? who the f—- is Darvin?”

SEAN

(laughing)

I knew who it was immediately.

MARISA

It was me! It was me!

MIKE

I had no idea.

CARTER

If I threw in the hint, “Darvin wore clothes that were too big for him!” Like… “Nope, got nothin’.”

Laughter.

MIKE

I thought you were trying to create a character!

CARTER

So we have no memory whatsoever of Darcy. None.