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12: Journey to the Temple, Part 5

Blat’s powers are seriously out of control as the ancient god Morrigu tries to tempt him — and another traveller stumbles into the temple.

Download MP3 (93 MB)

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie, plus special guest!

Dialogue editing and transcription: Michael Howie
Additional material and sound design: Eli McIlveen
Story consultant: Laura Packer
Game consultant: Stephen Smith

This week’s shout out goes to Join the Party – one of the most inclusive and fun shared storytelling live plays going. As they would say, “What are you waiting for? Let’s get this party started!”

Content Warning: Violence, death and brief gruesome descriptions, vomiting, lightning and endless shouting.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on the End of Time and Other Bothers…

SEAN (AS WAFFLES)

Darcy. Battle accepted.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why am I battling anyone?

SEAN (AS WAFFLES)

I am Waffles.

MARISA

What is standing in front of him is this huge, glowing-eyed werecupine.

SEAN (AS WAFFLES)

What is this? What are you?!

MARISA

Which is a were-porcupine.

MIKE (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

You can be any of them that you see.

MIKE

And I howl with anger.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Rowr!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sure nothing bad’s going to happen if I should touch the altar. Here!

SEAN

You see Eggerton’s body, lifeless. Darcy lying in a pool of blood.

Blat’s distorted voice echoes, speaking in an unknown language.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

You are the next Prophet! You must simply use your power.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I do not need the power of Morrigu.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Kill the little one.

MARISA

(gasps)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Bazooka!

SEAN

Lightning races down over all the wood and strikes in at Blat as one of the giant limbs tears off the tree.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

There, prophet. But a few more and you will have all you’ve ever wanted.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The High Priestess was ready to lean over and suck your soul or something. And Darcy grabbed a quill and just jammed through her eye.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What are you talking about? The Priestess was—aaugh!

MAIL DELIVERY

SEAN

We are in the giant tree: the temple Idris. Darcy and Eggerton look haggard. Eggerton has a giant slash down his side and they are standing above Blat, who is just starting to get to his feet.

Around them is chaos. The tree is cracked in places and burned all down one side, as if lightning had struck it. And Slaad, still a good number of them, are wandering around in a very confused state.

SEAN (AS VARIOUS SLAAD)

(muttering)

I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do.

Do you know what we should do, Glytha?

I’m not sure what we should be doing.

The players are silent.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

I’ll just keep doing this.

Laughter.

SEAN (AS VARIOUS SLAAD)

I don’t know what’s going on. Do you know what’s going on?

He’s the Chosen One! He killed her! I don’t know what to do.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(weakly)

Blat. Are you okay?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I… have had better days.

All right. I don’t want to have to do this, but I am terribly hurt. Darcy, how are you doing?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not good, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right.

Eggsy? Hand out some fairy cakes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. I’ve got a blue polka dot one for you. Here, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’ll be good. I think it’s got a bit of peppercorn in it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oooh.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh and Darcy, I’ve got a purple swirly. I know you’ve always admired those.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’ll take whichever one you got.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. And then I’m gonna have this triangular one that I was experimenting with.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

How did you make it triangular?

SEAN

Roll for Fairy Cakes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That is a 7.

CARTER

Dangit.

SEAN

Uh, Blat? Pick a side effect.

(to Mike)

And roll what they get.

MARISA

Is he rolling separately for fairy cakes, or that’s a universal Fairy Cakes?

SEAN

That’s it for everyone. It’s a universal Fairy Cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

2.

SEAN

Don’t you get a +Wisdom?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That is including the +Wisdom.

SEAN

You each get 2 hit points.

MARISA

(laughs)

Oh boy.

CARTER

That seems… very chintzy.

SEAN

And your side effect is what, Blat?

CARTER

I’ve given spontaneously deaf.

SEAN

The entire party is deaf.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You guys feeling better now?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(shouting)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(shouting)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What? I can’t—I can’t hear you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(shouting)

Hey, guys, I can’t hear you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I can’t hear you. What… what was in this fairy cake?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why aren’t you talking?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay. Look at my mouth. It’s moving. Words are coming out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why is your mouth moving like that with no words. Why aren’t you reacting to no words coming out of your mouth? That would make me kind of panicked. I don’t know—I’d feel bad about that. I’d be worried.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This is a cruel joke that you’re playing, because the mouth is moving…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did you guys hear me? I can’t hear anything.

SEAN

Darcy, you notice the hair on your arm starting to stand up, and it’s all starting to point towards Blat.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey… what’s happening? Look. Look at my arm.

MARISA

And I hold my arm up so they can both see what’s going on.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Quit pointing your arm hair at me. It’s freaking me out.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Look at my arm hair! Isn’t it freaking you out?

SEAN

Eggerton, you see Darcy’s hair starting to pull towards Blat, and you realize that your hair is all starting to—your arm hair, everything is pulling towards Blat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This is an unusual sensation. Blat? Blat? Hey, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t need your hair.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blat. Where are you going?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m walking away from both of you! I don’t need your hair. I’ve got some on my head, and… well, really not much anywhere else, but I’m fine with that. Everyone’s hair—I’m leaving the tree. I’m walking backwards out of the tree.

SEAN

You see the hair on Blat’s head just suddenly sprout out in every direction.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, now I feel I probably look ridiculous.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What is happening? Is this something to do with a whole Morrigu thing?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe this is what happens when you have a triangular fairy cake. It’s an unexpected side effect that has turned everybody’s hair sentient.

SEAN

And that’s when the lightning bolt strikes from the heavens, through the tree, straight into Blat, arcing out into both of you and a bunch of Slaad all around you, sending everyone flying backwards towards the wall of the tree.

Everyone screams.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ouch!

SEAN

Okay. Everyone takes 2 hit points of damage—

Laughter.

MARISA

Oh, come on!

CARTER

That’s what we got back!

MARISA

I just got it back!

SEAN

Well, not you, yeah, Blat, you don’t take any.

MARISA

Oh.

MIKE

So everybody except for Blat.

SEAN

And you see a couple Slaad erupt into flame and wave at you—“Bye-bye!” and poof, they’re gone.

MARISA

Awww. That’s so sad.

CARTER

Oh, that’s unfortunate.

SEAN

And the tree explodes at the top and you see more bolts of lightning striking down at different points of the tree but not coming into hit Blat, and you see this dark, dark cloud swirling above the tree, way up above. And the wind is now roaring into the cavity of—this massive cavity of the tree that you’re in. And Blat, you are like, blackened and singed but relatively okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Looks like we’re getting some weather!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’re getting a lot of weather.

SEAN

You can barely start to hear each other.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did you say pleather?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Pleather? No, I don’t need another fairy cake. The sky! Look at the sky!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What guy?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That… there’s no other guys.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What is going on? Where’s all this wind coming from?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why is your hair in love with me? Get away! I’m walking away! I’m not interested in your hair!

SEAN

The wind is now picking up. It’s like a cyclone. It’s roaring into this space. You see Slaad being slid around the floor, trying to walk and just, like, not going anywhere. And it’s increasing.

And another bolt of lightning comes down and strikes Blat right in the head—doesn’t seem to faze him—and sort of arcs off into the tree making black marks. You hear a ripping sound as a fissure in the tree starts at the top and just races down towards the ground, like a roar. And you hear another branch breaking off, falling down and hitting the ground outside and sending a shockwave through the room.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t want to point out the obvious, but Blat is a living lightning rod! We’ve got to get away from here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right! Everyone get a buddy. Let’s buddy up. Make sure everyone is safe.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not going near you. Eggerton’s my buddy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, buddy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Buddy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re buddies.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yup.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Does this mean that we get to share stuff? Because you’ve got a sweater that I saw you wearing back at the Academy—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh. Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I haven’t felt this lonely since grade school.

SEAN

Outside, the Slaad are trying to close some doors, and you can just hear this roar of the wind outside.

And that’s when… Blat, that’s when you see a small figure in a robe forcing their way past some Slaad into the chamber.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I have mail for the Sisters! I’ve come from Dragon Mountain?

Who the hell are you people?!

Theme music plays. This time, the arrangement includes recorder and horns, referencing the theme to Alba Salix, Royal Physician.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy roleplaying game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Carter Siddall and Marisa King—and special guest Julian Sark.

Episode 12: Journey to the Temple, Part 5.

TEMPTATION

SEAN

Magnus, you step into the Temple Idris. You’re not sure where your party is that you were traveling with. There is—it came out of nowhere: a cyclone coming down on the tree. You saw explosions and lightning and giant branches the size of cities falling. And you just manage to sneak in as these creatures, which are like demons with frog faces, were trying to close the door and weren’t really paying too much attention to you.

And inside you just see this giant empty circle in the centre of the tree where the altar used to be but it’s half-destroyed and you see one gentleman standing there and no one’s coming near him. And do you want to describe what he sees, Blat?

CARTER

Well, I am a half-demon about six feet tall, bright red skin, pointy ears. All of my hair on my head is standing on end, and lightning keeps hitting the top of my head.

SEAN

(chuckles)

You see a bolt of lightning come down, hit his head and arc off into the wall. Another fissure-like crack in the wall of the tree is racing down from the top towards the bottom. You hear another branch starting to snap off.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey, Blat, could you maybe stop?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(snaps)

Oh, I’m sorry! Is this bothering you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I just think the Slaad are getting scared, and you know they look like they get scared easily. I don’t want them to be scared. Hey buddy—buddy, you need to hold my hand.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

I’m trying! I’m trying!

SEAN

You see a Slaad fly past Egerton and get caught in the cyclone winds and finally catch a wall.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s really sad when they say “Bye-bye” and I’d prefer if they could stop doing that, so if you could stop with the whole weather, and the cyclone, and the lightning, and the tree falling down, I’d really appreciate it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m not doing this on purpose!

SEAN

And another bolt of lightning strikes down, in and all around Blat, just lighting up the whole chamber. But it’s now getting dark in here. The wind is decreasing, and it’s getting really dark, as the clouds above have completely blacked out the sky.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(shouting)

I think we have to get out of this tree. I don’t know what’s going on!

SEAN

One of the Slaad goes sliding past.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

We got the doors closed, Chosen One!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Don’t close the door. Everybody out! Out of the tree! Pick a buddy, get out of the—

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

But I just got here. This place has gone to hell! Who are you people?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That little Slaad is yelling at us!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

He’s got a really short arms for a Slaad.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Where are the Sisters?! I have mail! What the hell?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry, are you being helped?

SEAN

(laughs)

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What happened to the tree?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi, I’m Eggerton. It’s nice to meet you. We’re here on an adventure—we came to see the Oracle but don’t think the Oracle is here anymore. And then Blat started talking kind of funny in this weird BAHR BAR BAHR voice. And then I kind of turned into a bear. It was pretty cool. I was pretty tough. And—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton. Buddy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Buddy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey buddy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey. Let’s be quiet now, okay?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hi. Hi there. I’m Darcy and these are my friends. And we got in this temple through some weird reason.

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Aw, we’re your friends? Awwww.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

With the Slaad—forgot about them. And we don’t know what’s going on.

Argh! I wish that lightning would stop. Who are you?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

My name is Magnus. Uh… I am a monk from Dragon Mountain. I deliver mail. I—I don’t know what’s happened. But I do know one thing. You need to kill that guy because he’s gonna kill us all!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I have considered that on occasion, but most of the time we decide against it.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

WHY?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, he’s one of our party, you see, and he’s… a friend, really. Blat! Stop it! Can you just move over to the other side of the room?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m not doing this on purpose! I’m sorry we’re inconveniencing the underage mailman!

But fine. I’ll stand in the corner of the tree if that’ll make you feel better.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I’m fifteen, I’ll have you know! I can… almost drink. And vote. In two years.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So… I’m sorry. You deliver mail here?

SEAN

And the lightning suddenly stops and the wind drops.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(crossly)

Thank you, Blat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know why you didn’t do that before. It got kind of inconvenient for a bit there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, really.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know how this works.

SEAN

And you feel Morrigu try to enter your brain—your mind, Blat. I need you to do a Defy Danger +Wisdom.

MARISA

Defy Danger Wisdom!

MIKE

(snickers)

(sings)

Danger Wisdom!

SEAN

Defy Wisdom Danger!

CARTER

2d6…

MARISA

Oooo.

CARTER

That’s a 5.

MARISA

Danger welcomed.

SEAN

And as you are just—you can go back to asking your question, and what’s going to happen is, in the middle of you asking this question, you’re going to notice that Blat is rising up off the ground with dark orbs for eyes.

MARISA

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So… I’m sorry, you deliver mail—? Oh, hold that thought. Blat, what are you doing now?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blat could fly. Remember he flew when—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(gasps)

It’s the black eyes, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? What? Black eyes!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s the black eyes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Black eyes! Oh geez.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s the black eyes… Would you let go of my hand?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but I’ll just…. Okay, I’ll hold your other hand.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are we gonna do?

SEAN

And we’re going to play a game. And how the game is going to work is, we’re all going to go around the table, and we are going to try and think of something that would tempt Blat. One thing that would tempt Blat to cross over and serve Morrigu and the Shattering. And if anyone—we’re just going to go around, it’s just a game—and if there’s one that’s said and you’re like, I want to see that! you say, “I want to see that.”

MARISA

Okay.

SEAN

And then we’ll roleplay it out. Okay? So I will start.

So… a nice shirt that has holes for wings.

MIKE

An advanced filing system that uses both the Dewey Decimal System, alphabetization and numerals.

JULIAN

A self-eating cake.

Laughter.

CARTER

The world’s most efficient three-hole punch.

SEAN

I want to see that.

MARISA

Okay.

SEAN

So Blat, you get this strange sensation as you realize your feet are leaving the ground… and in front of you, you see a disembodied figure that you realize looks just like the High Priestess Ithcar. And she is grinning at you and she’s like,

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Now! Now, Chosen One! You have the opportunity to join with us… to join with Morrigu! And in return she will grant your deepest, deepest desire and… oh, what is this? What am I seeing? It is a special three-hole automated punch machine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Those never work. I’m not tempted by that!

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Oh my God. I’ve never seen anything go through so much paper so quickly!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Really. How much paper are we talking about?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

I can’t keep enough paper around. Look at it! It’s like reams of paper are flying off the shelf!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

An entire ream of paper?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

In just one punch?!

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes!!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

My God! This would change everything about the Home Office!

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes!!!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh no…

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

It could be yours. You could have it at your fingertips, your beckoning!

SEAN (AS THE HOLE PUNCH)

Oh, use me, use me, Blat! Look at me!

Chk-chk-chk-chk-chk-chk!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat! Blat!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blat!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Whatever they’re offering you, you have to fight it!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You don’t understand! It’s something I’ve always wanted!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

A clean shirt?

Laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No! I’ve had plenty of clean shirts!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A really interesting filing system?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No! The system that I use is perfectly good.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

A self-eating cake?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re talking to the wrong one! That’s something he’d be interested in.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait, so it’s a cake that eats itself?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yeah!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Focus. Focus, you two!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh sorry, okay, yeah.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes. Join Morrigu! You are the Chosen One! The Prophet!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Don’t join Morrigu! It’s even a stupid name. Blat, come back to us!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait a second. How are you talking to me. Didn’t you get some sort of a sharp object shoved directly into your brain.

SEAN

She turns her face so you can see the other side and there’s a quill sticking out of the eye.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(retches)

Aaagh! Please don’t show me that… please—I can’t—I can’t look at it. I’m sorry, I can’t.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

All right, I’ll take that as a no. But we’re not done. Morrigu has limitless power, Blat.

SEAN

Next offer.

MARISA

Enh… you took all the good ones!

(laughs)

Um… A shiny pair of shoes that squeak really nicely.

SEAN

A book of free dry cleaning coupons.

MARISA

(laughs)

That’s a good one.

MIKE

A hot pepper grinder that works just by squeezing it with one hand.

JULIAN

Pubic hair.

MARISA

(laughs)

What?!

CARTER

A bed that makes itself.

MARISA

A shinier double-barreled bazooka…

ALL

Oooo.

MARISA

With dials on it that can make it really precise.

SEAN

All right, we’re gonna see that.

Blat, you are spun around in the air.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wugh!

SEAN

And then you come to a stop in front of a gleaming set of doors. And she floats in front, ripping the thing out of her eye—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh!

SEAN

And throwing it away.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

This way it won’t bother you.

SEAN

And there’s this bleeding socket.

CARTER

(laughing)

Ugh…

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Let me show you what’s behind this door. Do you want to see what’s behind this door, Blat?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat! Tell her you don’t want to see what’s behind the door!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ask for Door Number 2. There’s always a better prize behind the second door.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Blat, ask the audience!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Is it possible to ask the audience, or perhaps choose a different door?

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Sure, we can give you anything you want. Morrigu can grant you all.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ll poll the audience. All right, everyone! And you too, mail guy. You can participate. What should I chose. Should I choose Door Number 1 or Door Number 2 which hasn’t appeared yet.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Don’t choose anything, Blat. Send her away!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Door Number 2!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! We don’t want him making any deals with her!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh. No deal.

(shouts)

No deal!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No deal!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I would say that in the case of this deal, you should say “No deal.”.

SEAN

She lifts up the door and looks, like,

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

(gasps theatrically)

A B7-9000? Could that be a B7-9000 bazooka? No… we wouldn’t have access to that technology yet.

SEAN

And closes the door.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry, I don’t know what a B7-9000 is.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

(seductively)

You don’t?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I have no idea.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

A multiple rocket launcher with heat-seeking missiles and an updated display that projects through objects.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(softly)

Projects through objects? My goodness. I’ve just been firing and hoping that I blow something up. I never thought that I could get something so precise. Really, I don’t—

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Yes! Yes, Blat, yes… I can open Door Number 1.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Or… perhaps choosing Door Number 2, since you seem to be shying away from that. Yes! I chose Door Number 2, because it’s something that you don’t want me to choose, eye-socket woman!

SEAN

And lightning strikes down from the sky, hits Blat, arcs out, hits all of you, sending you all flying…

ALL

(scream)

SEAN

And Blat, you fall to the ground from like fifty feet up and hit the ground. You all take 2 more hit points of damage.

Groans.

SEAN

You all hit the ground… and this silence permeates through the room.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Door Number 2 is always a better choice.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes. Evidently it gave me the chance to knock my head against the floor. How are you, mail delivery person?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I hurt all over.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, that’s what it’s like hanging out with us.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Who… who gets struck by lightning six times? Do you have any idea what the probability of that is?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Quite low, I would imagine, yes, but we seem to be in a tree that makes this possible. Darcy, I think perhaps you and I and everyone else should hurry up and—

SEAN

Darcy is not getting up. The rest of you are brushing off, standing up… and Darcy’s form is crumpled, in the exact same position again that you saw in your vision.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(softly)

Buddy?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Darcy?

Oh no…

CARTER

(anxious)

Blat gets down on his knees, and checks to see if Darcy is breathing.

SEAN

She is not breathing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh no.

I—I don’t—I don’t—I don’t know what to…

You! Mail kid. Did you come with anyone else?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yeah. I was with a whole party. I’m just the mail guy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Medical care! Is there anyone there who knows about medical care?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(panicking)

Well, yeah, there’s the head doctor, but he’s not here! And… I know a little bit. I mean, well, actually… actually…

(then, suddenly confident)

Actually, I know a lot.

SEAN

(laughs)

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I know a lot. I… I… I will save this person. I can do it. I can totally do it! I can do it. I’m really good at it, actually.

(laughs)

CARTER

Blat picks Magnus up by his shirt collar and shoves him on top of Darcy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Here! Then work your magic. I don’t know why you’re delivering mail if you’re such a surgical expert! What’s wrong with her?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Well, she’s totally dead!

Laughter.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

That’s your problem. Yep. Dead dead dead. She’s not breathing. Nope. Oh, look at that. Oh… Her eyeballs aren’t contracting. Ah, yeah. She’s dead. Dead dead.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, un-dead her then! Do something!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

All right. I’ll try! Let’s see, uh…

(whispers)

Hey. Hey you. Um… you got to back me up here.

Laughter.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I’ve really built myself up and, uh… it’d be really great if right about now, you came back to life.

SEAN

Darcy, your eyes open, and you are in a strange land without colour.

There’s mist floating around, where you can’t quite see the ground, and it’s really—everywhere you look, it’s like a slight disorientation that occurs, and then it just settles again, and you just see off into the distance. And you do see a large tower coming out of the mist, like miles off in the distance, and it’s always there no matter which direction you turn.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat? Eggerton? Buddy? Hello?

(mutters)

This is not where I was. This is so strange.

Hello! Little mail guy?

Hmm. All I keep seeing is that tower whichever way I turn.

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

(a low growl)

I don’t recommend going to the tower.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who. Who said that?

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

Turn around.

MARISA

I turn around.

SEAN

You just see the tower.

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

Oh, I always forget about that. Hold on a second, sorry.

Turn around again.

MARISA

I turn around again.

SEAN

You still see the tower.

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

S——. Hold on, hold on.

SEAN

This being materializes in front of you, and it’s just this guy standing there and he’s naked. He’s like,

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

Guh! The robes!

SEAN

And he disappears and then he reappears and he’s got a scythe and some dark robes.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Welcome to death.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, come on!

SEAN (AS DEATH)

I hear that a lot.

SEAN

So Darcy, you need to roll Last Breath.

MARISA

Oh man. It all hinges on this.

SEAN

(laughs)

Darcy’s very good at rolling.

MARISA

I’m terrible at rolling. 9!

SEAN

9. Last Breath, 9…

MARISA

Oh, that’s probably bad.

MIKE

(laughs)

Yeah. Don’t celebrate until you hear what he says.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Hmmm. Darcy, Darcy…

It might not be your time… but it might be. Come. Walk with me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

What can you offer me, Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What do you want?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

God, everyone always says that! I don’t know. I’ve gotten it all. I’ve gotten money, I’ve gotten sex, I’ve got it—I can’t use any of it! It’s nothing I can use here, it’s just an empty plane, forever.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I didn’t really think that Death was actually a guy with a scythe. I thought that was like an old wives’ tale.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

That part’s just an act.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ohh.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

It helps, you know… it presents more of a figure.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t have much to offer. I’m just a lowly person who was chosen to save the world and time and everyone in it. I mean, maybe that’s worth something.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Hmm. Might be worth something.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(lowers her voice)

Also, don’t tell anyone…

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Yeah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But I can transform.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Yeah, I know. I’m Death.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

It’s right here on your file.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh.

SEAN

He’s suddenly holding a file.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh yeah. I see that, yeah. “Werecupine.”

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Yeah, werecupine right here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Mmm hmm.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

All right, the time thing’s interesting. That’s messing with me a little.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. I mean, who knows? If there’s a problem with time, that can mess with you too, right?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Yeah, I said that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I know, but I mean really mess with you. Like, maybe there’s no death or anything anymore.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

You know what I want?

I want you to find a way to bring me a fairy cake.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(to herself)

Oh boy. Everyone loves those fairy cakes.

All right. If I can get you a fairy cake, will you let me go back?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

And save time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, yeah. I mean, I’ll get you the fairy cake first and then I’ll focus on saving time.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Okay, the order is not important.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Oh, and Darcy, before you go…

Tell that little Magnus fellow I’m coming for him. Soon.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The mailman?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Yes. Is that what he said? Yes. That one.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

MIDROLL

Theme music plays.

ELI

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hey everyone. Sean here. I want to tell you today about a podcast that’s really close to our hearts.

What happens when an aspiring moon elf assassin, an evangelist of the Light and a hysterical and so, so lovable robot go on a quest under the guidance of Eric Silver as GM? Yep, you guessed it—you get Join the Party, one of the most inclusive and fun live play podcasts going. Every week I’m looking forward to their story. You know, what started as a fairy-tale wedding between two princes—come on, that’s so great!—and then quickly they’ve taken on every trope in the pop culture world. We cannot get enough over here. So what are you waiting for? Find out more at jointhepartypod.com and as they would say: let’s get this party started.

> MUSIC STING

MIKE

Where are my wings? Come on, I need my wings.

CARTER

You don’t actually need wings…

SEAN

Wings? Uh, Wardrobe on 3!

MIKE

Okay, I’m gonna go—

CARTER

He doesn’t have to wear wardrobe…

SEAN

Okay. Okay, everyone, stay calm, I’ll be back.

Five minutes! Five minutes!

CARTER

It’s not a visual medium.

JULIAN

Uh, Carter, can you come over here for a second?

CARTER

Sure. Sure, Julian. Hey, listen, I want to thank you once again, coming out to do the crossover episodes. I think people are really going to enjoy it.

JULIAN

Yeah, I think it’s gonna be amazing. It’s just… I’m really embarrassed to admit this but… I’m kind of a bunch of episodes behind.

CARTER

Oh no.

JULIAN

I don’t even know what’s happening. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be like an informed performer.

SEAN

Oh, hey guys. Have you seen Darcy? Three minutes. Have you seen Darcy?

CARTER

She isn’t in this green room, so maybe try the blue room?

SEAN

Right. Got it. Thank you guys! Three minutes!

CARTER

So, okay. You’re a little behind, but that’s fine. I mean it’s all improvisation. We should be able to get you up to speed pretty quick. What’s the last episode you’ve heard? Like, what number is it?

JULIAN

It’s like, 3 or 4.

CARTER

3 or. Wow, you are far behind.

JULIAN

Yeah, well… we subscribed on iTunes and then it just kind of stopped.

CARTER

Are you a Patreon subscriber? Like, maybe that has something to do with it?

JULIAN

I don’t think I’m a Patreon subscriber.

CARTER

Okay. Well, it’s important to be a Patreon subscriber. If you give one or two dollars a month you’d be able to get some special extras, along with being able to get the episodes early. So you’d be all up to date in no time.

JULIAN

I mean, I’d be paying to hear myself, but that’s still pretty cool.

CARTER

Well, it’s an edited version of yourself so it’s slightly superior.

SEAN

And that’s at patreon.com/albasalix. One-minute call!

CARTER

One minute. One minute. So if you’re a Patreon subscriber, you’d get the episodes right away. And if you use the hashtag #otherbothers you’ll be able to talk to other people about our show.

What I think the actual problem is… is that this is a shoe box.

JULIAN

Ahhh. Shoe box.

CARTER

Yeah. This isn’t a computer at all.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

RARRR!

SEAN

Aaa! There’s a bear chasing me! There’s a bear!

Exit, pursued by a bear.

BACK TO LIFE

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(whispering)

Seriously, like, um… it would really help me a lot because I have a kind of a reputation for being really good at this? So if you could just start breathing, just a tiny breath. Just one or two, and then you can totally die after that, but then it’ll look like I actually did my job. So, uh…

SEAN

(laughs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shouldn’t you compress her chest or something? Just do something!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I’m a monk! I can’t touch a girl’s chest!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You can’t touch…? What kind of a medical person can’t touch a patient?!

Here. Okay. I’m going to lift her legs above her head. Does that do anything? What does that do?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

You can’t lift a girl’s leg above her head and then touch her chest!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m not touching the chest!

Okay. Legs down, legs up. Legs down… come on, Darcy! Legs up. Legs down, legs up—I don’t know what I’m doing!

MARISA

And suddenly Darcy kicks Blat in the face.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Daaargh!

MARISA

And lurches forward and yells,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fairy cakes! Fairy cakes, get me fairy cakes!

Pandemonium.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m on it! I’m on it!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Totally did it! Totally did it. I did it. That’s it. I did it. Yep, she’s good. She’s good! I did it. She is totally alive. I told you I could do it! I told you. I told you! With the power of my mind.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(pants heavily)

MIKE

I run over and start throwing fairy cakes at Darcy’s face.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just give me… give me the fairy cakes, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, here you go. Here, take all the fairy cakes. The fairy cakes are yours, buddy.

MARISA

And I stand up, and I’m just twirling around and yelling,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fairy cakes! I have the fairy cakes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I gave them to you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Come and get the fairy cakes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But I just gave them to you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. I commend you on bringing her back from the dead, but you brought her back crazy!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I make no guarantees about my work!

SEAN

So you are at 1 hit point, so you’re aware.

MARISA

Okay.

SEAN

So you are still really hurt, but you now are covered in a pile of fairy cakes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I should eat one of these fairy cakes.

MARISA

And I grab one and—I grab two, in fact, and I go,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(muffled eating sounds)

SEAN

Roll Fairy Cakes.

MIKE

That is a 5.

MARISA

Does it not work at all, then?

SEAN

(laughing)

No. They’re really good tasting.

MARISA

Oh God!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? Okay, well, you probably, you know, took too many at once. I’ve always told you to just take a little bit at a time. It probably canceled itself out when you took two.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I was dead. I’m still almost dead. I need some help.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay okay okay…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You! Were you trying to help me?

MARISA

And I look at Magnus.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey. You. Magnum.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yeah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Magnum.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yeah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Can you can you help me? I am really, really hurt here. Do you have any medicine or anything?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Well I… I just have this one healing potion.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(dangerous)

Give me the healing potion.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

But it’s for me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. No, it’s for me.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

No no. It’s actually for me? In case something bad happens. And I noticed that you guys… things are crazy around here!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Something very bad is about to happen.

MARISA

And Darcy’s hair stands on end, and my eyes go yellow and all the hair starts to stand up on my arms. And I hold out my hand to you and I say,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Give me the potion.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Okay okay okay! Here’s the—here’s the potion! Just take it, just take it! Get away from me, you freak!

MARISA

And I take the potion and I open—I take out the cork and I down it and one swig.

SEAN

(rolling)

All right. You get… 8 hit points back.

MARISA

Woo hoo!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ohhh. That’s amazing! That’s really good stuff! Whoo!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s an interesting idea, having it in liquid form. It probably doesn’t taste as good as fairy cake. Just… you know, if you want to try a fairy cake. Do you want to try a fairy cake?

MARISA

And I throw a fairy cake at Eggerton.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fairy cakes are stupid. Didn’t help me at all.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, this is a tasty fairy cake! Watch.

MIKE

And I eat the fairy cake.

MARISA

(laughs)

SEAN

Roll for fairy cakes.

MIKE

That is a 5 again.

SEAN

Something’s wrong with your fairy cakes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Something’s wrong with the fairy cakes… what did…

(gasps, whispers)

It was the lightning! The lightning did something to the fairy cakes. Oh no.

Give me the pouch! Give me the pouch!

MARISA

So I take two fairy cakes out of his pouch and I put them in my satchel, and then I give him back his pouch.

MIKE

I take the pouch and I run off to the side and start running through them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey listen, Magna… Magnus?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Magnus! Yeah, that’s my name.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. Heh. I’m really sorry for coming on so strong. I just—I almost died, as you probably saw. So I really needed your healing potion.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yeah yeah, yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sorry. Sorry about that.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

And now I am that much closer to being dead myself.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s really interesting, because I was just—

No. Never mind. We need to get this guy another healing potion really quickly.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fairy cake him!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. I think these are okay now. I went through all of them. Here, you can have one of these fairy cakes. This is a purple swirly, it’s kind of my thing. People really like it…

SEAN

(laughing)

He’s handing you a little baked good.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So you can put that in your pouch. There you go.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Okay, uh, thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And now, when you eat that, only eat half, wait twenty minutes and see how you feel. If you feel like you need more, then take more, but know that sometimes it can take you a little further than you think it’ll take you.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What kind of medicine is this?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s not medicine, it’s a fairy cake.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s flawed but at least it tastes good.

(whispers)

Don’t take it alone.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

All right.

SEAN

You hear a murmuring of the few Slaad—there’s like twenty Slaad left in this room.

SEAN (AS VARIOUS SLAAD)

(muttering)

The Priestess stirs!

Oh? The Priestess is back?

That’s what I said! Helen, go and check the Priestess!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Slaad!

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Yes, Chosen One!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The Priestess is…

SEAN (AS A SLAAD)

Standing right behind you, Chosen One!

CARTER

And Blat quickly turns around.

SEAN

And you see the priestess rising off the ground with eyes black and a spike still through one eye, as she rises up, the still-battered armour stuck in her skin.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Don’t you ever die?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There’s something you don’t see every day—oh, I’m looking at it. Urghhh.

(retches)

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

If you keep doing that you’re going to dehydrate.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(retches more)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you have anything for nausea?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(laughing)

No.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh. Right. Probably just that healing potion, right?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

That’s all I had!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, sorry.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

You have made the wrong choice! You have chosen to abandon Morrigu! You will fall.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’ve never been to much of a religious person per se. So perhaps the next person that comes to visit your um, cracked-in-half tree will be able to help you out.

SEAN

And you see her raising her arms towards you, Blat, and this ball of blue energy is starting to flash in her hands. What are you doing?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaazooka!

SEAN

Magnus, you see a bizarre contraption of tubular, gleaming material form on Blat’s shoulder, and a weird sort of square pop out and attach itself almost to his eye. And he’s pointing this device up towards this basically priestess in battered armour that’s rising up out of the ground with black orbs where her eyes would normally be. But there’s a spike sticking out of one of those black orbs.

And I need you to roll a Defy Danger, Blat, so that can be Strength or Dex.

CARTER

Definitely Dex.

SEAN

I think you got rid of your—1, didn’t you, finally?

CARTER

7.

SEAN

Okay. So it’s a partial success.

So you see this blue energy fire out from her hands, and basically explode right where Blat was standing as he stumbles backwards. Blat, you do take some damage. You’re going to take half damage as you stumble out of the way of this—but you see the floor actually start to like, almost age in high speed. The floor just starts to just age and wilt and crumble.

And Blat, you’re gonna take half… so you’re going to take 2 hit points of damage..

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oooo.

SEAN

And she screams and starts to fly forward, cackling.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Morrigu will teach all of you to disregard her power that lightly!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

If you keep this up you won’t know if this fine young gentleman has any mail for you.

Laughter.

SEAN

And you all need to roll Defy Danger, since you’re not doing anything.

MARISA

(sighs)

JULIAN

How do you do that?

SEAN

2d6, and you’re gonna add your Dex bonus or your Strength bonus, whichever is better.

MIKE

6.

JULIAN

9.

MARISA

Hey, you’re exactly the same.

CARTER

11.

MARISA

So we’re both 11s.

SEAN

So Eggerton, she basically flies right into you and slams her hand on your chest. And you feel this fiery burning sensation and it burns through your clothing. You see a red melted mark to your skin.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(groans)

It hurts!

SEAN

And you take 4 hit points of damage as this searing hand stays on your chest as she flies past. Blat and Magnus, you guys stumble backwards as she comes past.

JULIAN AND CARTER (AS MAGNUS AND BLAT)

(shout in alarm)

SEAN

And you just sort of end up in a heap on the ground, falling over backwards… and Darcy. You can have whatever. You see this happening. You see her flying down, you see her striking Eggerton, and you can just tell what she’s about to try and do. What do you do?

MARISA

Okay. I start running towards her and I take my satchel off and I step on Blat’s back.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ulk!

MARISA

I launch myself up towards her and I take my satchel and I throw it over her neck, and then I just twist it around and I pull as hard as I can. Like, pulling her right back down to the ground.

SEAN

She screams—

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

Aaaugh!

SEAN

—and is pulled down to the ground in the centre before you all, and you see Darcy and the High Priestess are sort of grappling and fighting back and forth over this thing that’s wrapped around her neck.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Help me!

(grunts)

SEAN

And her hands light up red as she turns and spins towards Darcy, who’s now stuck near her.

CARTER

Blat stands up grabs his bazooka, flips it end over end, and swings it like a bat at the Priestess’s head.

SEAN

Roll it.

CARTER

10!

SEAN

Roll your damage. Plus your Strength bonus.

CARTER

I have none. That is a 3.

SEAN

Okay, so you do 3 points of damage.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Consider that a mail delivery, ya one-eyed priesty weirdo!

SEAN

Blat connects with the side of her head, and she spins herself around, flailing out with her hands. And Blat, you can choose on a 10 to do extra damage, or to not take any damage.

CARTER

Extra damage.

SEAN

All right, so you’re going to roll another 1d6 on her.

CARTER

1.

SEAN

And she spins around, almost against you and slams a hand into your chest for 3 hit points.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(groans)

SEAN

Burning into your chest, her hand just leaves this red outline of a hand as she pulls her hand away screaming,

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Gahhh.

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

You will die for Morrigu!

SEAN

And she then is going to—you see her starting to pull out another blue ball of fire between her hands.

Silence.

SEAN

And nobody does anything, so she blasts it right into Blat. Roll Defy Danger, Blat.

CARTER

9 plus my Dex is 10.

SEAN

What do you want to happen?

CARTER

Blat dodges out of the way of the blast… and just chucks the bazooka tube at her.

SEAN

(laughing)

Okay.

CARTER

Spinning around, using his own momentum.

SEAN

Roll damage.

CARTER

6!

SEAN

No bonus?

CARTER

Yes! Another 2.

SEAN

So she like. blasts into the ground. You see the the far wall of the tree, where the blast ends up hitting, just start to decay and fall apart on itself.

And then takes the bazooka to the face. Now, you threw it, right?

CARTER

Yeah.

SEAN

Okay. So—takes it to the face. And she like screams, and starts to lift up into the air again, the cord around her neck lifting Darcy with her up into the air.

MIKE

I run up… and, feeling the pain fueling me, channel the power of the bunny rabbit.

Laughter.

SEAN

Okay.

MIKE

And jump really high.

SEAN

Yup.

MIKE

And grab her leg.

SEAN

Yup.

MIKE

And bite it. With bunny teeth.

SEAN

Awesome. So, first of all roll your, um…

MIKE

(laughs)

2.

SEAN

Okay, so what do we hear Eggerton say as he charges forward and prepares to leap?

MIKE

He goes,

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aaaaaa—

(chewing noises)

Laughter.

SEAN

And then faceplants and slides underneath the Priestess and Darcy who’s hanging there. And then he finishes his slide by impacting into the altar.

MARISA

Okay. So Darcy’s now enraged because she’s being dragged up, which… as we all know now, the Rage translates into transformation. But I have to actually roll a die now to see who I transform into.

SEAN

Yeah.

MARISA

(rolling)

So my hair stands on end, my eyes go yellow, a deep guttural roar comes from out of me and I transform into a… ooo! “A giant member of the ursine family.” Grizzly bear!

(roars)

SEAN

(laughs)

MARISA

So now this priestess has a grizzly bear holding on—well, no, I’m not holding onto her. So as she’s pulling me up, I just—because I dropped the satchel, obviously, and my two claws, my huge paws go into her abdomen with my claws, and I just drag down.

SEAN

Okay. So, Magnus.

MARISA

(laughs)

SEAN

I assume you’re slowly backing away at this point.

JULIAN

Yeah.

SEAN

Yeah. So you see this half-demon, red-skinned gentleman basically throw his weapon at this woman, screaming. You see the little one trip and slide under, and then you see the woman who took your potion transform into a giant bear, clinging on to this woman who’s rising up off the ground.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Okay, uh… you guys got this, right?

Laughter.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I mean, everything looks like it’s under control, so… I’m just going to go back to the door and hopefully it’s like a portal and I’ll go back to wherever I came from. So, uh, take care. It was nice meeting you well and… good luck!

SEAN

Darcy, as you hear Magnus, you see blood oozing out from under your claws, and she screams and is starting to sink back towards the ground from the increased weight. But she is actually raising another blue ball of flame between her fists. She’s like,

SEAN (AS THE HIGH PRIESTESS)

You will not beat Morrigu! You cannot beat a god!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Maybe I can’t, but a metal tube from the future can. Bazooka!

SEAN

And you’re firing?

CARTER

I’m firing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Watch out for Bearcy!

MARISA

(laughs, then, as Carter rolls:)

Ooo!

CARTER

With my Dexterity bonus, that’s a 12.

SEAN

What happens?

CARTER

I aim for the hole in her head. Just trying to make that godawful part of her anatomy go away.

SEAN

So the black eyes, with the—

CARTER

Yeah.

SEAN

So Darcy.

MARISA

Yeah.

SEAN

You hear a bazooka and you hear the sssss! of an incoming missile.

MARISA

So I…

SEAN

You roll Defy Danger, is what you roll.

MARISA

Oh no. No.

(laughs)

SEAN

(to Carter)

And roll your damage.

CARTER

I’m aiming high.

SEAN

(laughs)

With a bazooka!

MARISA

8. Oh, but I get a Dex bonus, right?

SEAN

Yeah. And remember you have armour.

MARISA

Yes, I do have armour. 9 is what I rolled.

SEAN

Okay, so Darcy: you can minimize the damage that you take by just letting go, or you can go for a kill bite or something and maybe get hit by the missile.

MARISA

I’m going to let go.

SEAN

You’re letting go. Okay. Roll your damage on the incoming missile.

MARISA

5.

SEAN

So you all hear an explosion, and you hear a yelp from the bear as Darcy hits the ground, fur singed and on fire. You’re going to take half of that, so you take 2 hit points damage, which would be… you don’t take any.

MARISA

I don’t take it because I have armor now.

SEAN

But your fur is singed… and the body of the Priestess hits the ground. Not moving.

MIKE

I get up and run over and jump on her.

Laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s right, Eggsy. Finish her off. Even though it looks like the top of her head is missing—

(retches suddenly)

Augh! Agh! Why does this keep happening?! I haven’t eaten that much.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you need a fairy cake?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No. No. I…

Yeah, I’ve taken a lot of hits. Maybe give me a fairy cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Here you go.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(from the other side of the room)

I told you you guys could do it! I’m just gonna go now.

The door won’t open! Why won’t this door open?!

Gah!

Laughter.

SEAN

Roll for Fairy Cakes.

MIKE

Roll for Fairy Cakes. 5 again.

(laughs)

MARISA

(laughing)

Oh no.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What is this?! That’s literally all that you do. You bake things and we eat them later. And I was good for the fact that occasionally it drove us insane, or we were drunk, or we were stupid. But now it’s just junk food.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But there’s something wrong with them. I think maybe it’s the evil magic…

SEAN

Eggerton, you hear a voice and it is singing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(whispers)

What? Oh no. What’s that voice? Do you hear the voice?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(puzzled growl)

Rrrrr?

Laughter.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What is it, though?

SEAN

Darcy, in your current form, you hear a singing voice.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(softly)

Rrrr. Rrr!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think Bearcy hears it too.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hears what? What are you talking about?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you hear the singing?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Before, we couldn’t hear anything, and now you’re claiming to hear singing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, it’s singing, it’s…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(hums)

Rrr rrr rrrr rrr…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, Bearcy, I can hear it too!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m really trying my hardest, and not freaking out that you’re just calmly referring to this thing over here as “Bearcy”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but I learned that I can talk to all of the animals, so I understand exactly what she is saying.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

She’s not an animal; she’s the woman that we’ve been living with for the past few months!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, but now she’s in bear form, so she’s speaking like a bear. And I understand the—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Quit saying this like this makes sense!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did you not get this in your training? Because this was covered in my training.

MARISA

And I amble over to Blat, and I sort of sit down beside him and start licking my paws and looking up at him.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrr.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

See? She’s saying that everything’s gonna be okay and you should calm down. And also you should be nicer to me, she said, and probably, you know, lend me some extra shirts sometime or maybe a few credits if I need it, because I run out of supplies and I forget about them.

SEAN

(laughs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

If this mail kid could figure out how to unlock this door I might be leaving with him.

She keeps licking herself. The old Darcy didn’t lick herself.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrr.

An eerie choir begins to sing.

SEAN

A blue light is starting to come from above, where it was dark… and slowly lightening up the whole place, and everything is just going blue.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrr?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It is a lovely hue of blue.

SEAN

Eggerton and Darcy, the singing is getting louder, and it sounds like a laugh you once heard.

SEAN (AS A VOICE)

(a woman’s merry, echoing laugh)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so now we have mood lighting. Great.

SEAN

And a chariot, way above in what’s left of the stump of an open now to the sky tree, is circling. And at the front there’s flaming horsemen and weird old women with screaming faces, and all kinds of horrors and weirdness and some fairies and pixies. And in the chariot, circling down and around, is Celene.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrr!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The woman who made us breakfast!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s exactly what Bearcy just said, Blat. You should really try and listen. It’s kind of rude.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

The crack over here, it’s not working either! I can’t get through!

SEAN

And the chariot comes to a stop, with fire and whinnies and strange old ladies screaming… and stepping out is Celene, and she is glowing with the blue crown and flowing hair and robes. And she steps forward towards Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, there she is.

The top of her head’s gone. I hope that does the trick, because we thought we killed her once and we were wrong. But we think this time, we did it.

Also she’s a bear now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrr!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

She says hello.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

I can understand her. Thank you, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

See, Blat? It’s just you. I don’t know why—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m the only one here who doesn’t speak bear. I’m sorry.

Mail kid! How are you with animal languages?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I’m pretty terrible… and I’m not looking! I refuse to look. There’s too much blue light! I hear screaming and old ladies…

I hate you people!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did you eat the fairy cake at the whole time, like all at once? I told you not to do that.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I didn’t eat your fairy cake, because they don’t do anything! I’ve seen like three people eat your fairy cakes. Nothing happens!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, there’s just a little bit of Morrigu on them.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!

(clears her throat)

SEAN

The entire place goes black and dark… and then goes back to this light blue light.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(gentle once again)

Excuse me…

SEAN

—Celene says.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

You were saying, Blat? You were pointing to this dead, crumpled body here for some reason?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, yes. This was the Priestess who tried to murderize all of us a few times.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Yes. Okay, good. And the Oracle, where is the Oracle?

MARISA

(laughs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So again, this lady here on the ground really tried to murder us, and, uh, I got into a fight with some of these frog people—like, you see over there? No, not that, not over there. That’s the mail guy.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Darcy. Or, sorry, Unghla… Would you mind, please, going into the back room, near where you came up from underneath?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrrh.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

And please collect the Oracle. I sense that the Oracle is very scared right now and tied up in the storeroom. And just bring the Oracle back here for us, would you please?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrr rr rrr.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Thank you, Darcy. I agree very much about him.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right now, in our defense we literally just finished defeating her. We haven’t had a chance to search the area.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Ut-tut-tut!

SEAN

And she puts a finger on your lips.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Thank you, Blat. Oh, and who is this? Hello!

Whose pair of feet are sticking out of that crack in the wall?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(struggling)

I’m almost out! I’m almost there! Just one little inch more…!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Mm hmm.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, it’s okay. I’ll get him for you.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Please do that, Eggerton.

MIKE

And I run over and start pulling on Magnus’s feet.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

No, please!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s OK. She wants to say hello to you.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

It’s okay! I’m really good. I’m really good! I don’t really want to see her. I don’t wanna—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There you go!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Augh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Come on over buddy. That’s it. Let’s meet Celene.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Okay. Okay!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why are your eyes closed?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Nghh! I don’t want to see! It’s too scary!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Awww! Oh, it’s you, Magnus.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

You know my name?!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Yes! Oh, you are going to be in for some amazing adventures soon. Be sure to tell—I won’t tell you her name yet, but be sure to tell your future boss that the Goddess of the Moon says hello.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Oh yeah, I’ll totally do that.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Perfect.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Tell my future boss.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(laughing)

Yes.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

That you say hello.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Perfect!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

That’s great.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(suddenly fearsome again)

YOU’D BETTER.

SEAN

And the room goes dark.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(whimpers)

Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll tell her!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Perfect!

SEAN

And the light comes back.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Now—oh, here comes Darcy!

MARISA

And I emerge with a figure riding on my back, and come back to the circle of people.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh, I didn’t see that. I’m so sorry, Oracle. I thought you were a she but you are he! Well, let’s get some clothes for the Oracle, shall we please?

SEAN

There’s an emaciated man riding back on Darcy’s back, clinging to the fur.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Again, the Slaad didn’t tell us at all that this emaciated person was down in the tree basement. I do apologize for that. Again—we defeated great evil though! Great evil was defeated!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Yes, you did! I’m very actually impressed. I want to get back to that. But can someone please get some clothes for the Oracle?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, yeah. Well, Blat, why don’t we use your shirt? I mean you’ve got a lot of them. And I’m sure—

SEAN (AS CELENE)

That would be such a noble gesture!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(mutters)

I’m constantly getting undressed in front of you people.

CARTER

And Blat unbuttons his shirt, his great wings then pop out.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yagh!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sorry. Sorry about that. I’m… I’m half-demonic.

CARTER

And I had my shirt over to the emaciated figure.

SEAN

Celene walks over and and guides his hands to the shirt, and you realize that he’s blind. And he starts to dress himself.

SEAN (AS THE ORACLE)

(weakly)

Thank you. Thank you. I haven’t spoken in so long.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Yes, I know. Please, please, does anybody have any water or anything like that for the Oracle?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I had some water but something happened to it.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

You drank it, I believe, yes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Depends on whose version of events that you listened to, yes.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Mm hmm. Please give a fairy cake to the gentleman, will you, Eggerton?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Here…

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Let me bless it first.

SEAN

And she touches the fairy cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. Here you go, sir. Just put your hand out, and now, okay. Now, eat half, don’t eat the whole thing—

SEAN

He pops the whole thing in his mouth, and this blue light just emanates out of him, and he just sits up straighter. He’s like,

SEAN (AS THE ORACLE)

Oh! That is quite marvelous.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

See, that’s how they’re supposed to work.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Hmm. Now.

Blat! Blat, Blat, Blat…

SEAN

And she caresses both sides of your face.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(laughs stupidly)

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Why? Why did you not choose Morrigu?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Choose the evil demon from the depths of the underworld…?

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Yes. Did she not offer you power and glory and ruling the kingdom?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(dreamily)

No… something far better. A three-hole punch that will never jam.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(laughing)

Oh, you are delightful! Oh, I must have you in my collection. But that’s later.

So. The Oracle is speaking again and there’s but one thing left for you to do, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes…?

Silence.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(furious again)

OH, YOU HUMANS ARE SO RIDICULOUS!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrr rr?

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(sighs)

I agree, Darcy. Blat. Morrigu’s power base is now based here, and is coursing through you, even though you denied her.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes. Again, not interested, despite the promise of the three-hole punch.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I told you, you had to totally kill this guy, but nobody would listen to me!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

The Oracle?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, he’s referring to me.

(whispers)

I think he has an anti-demonic prejudice.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Ah, yes.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(also whispers)

Everybody has an anti-demonic prejudice!

SEAN (AS CELENE)

All you must do, Blat, is gift and sanctify this temple again, as the Prophet, to the goddess of your choosing.

AND YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS, RIGHT?

MARISA

(laughs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I suspect, yes?

Um… could you just excuse me with the party for just one moment?

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(lightly)

Of course! I’ll be over here with my scary chariot.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Heh. Thank you. Just a moment.

CARTER

And he motions for Eggerton and Darcy and even his new friend Magnum to come into a little huddle.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. So apparently, we can make all of this better again and make this a place that can accept… mail, I guess is what you were here for. They’ll accept and give out mail if we simply sanctify it with a new god or goddess.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I could be a god.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Not where I was going.

Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrr.

Laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Dammit.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rr rrr rrrrr rr?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What if we made your goddess…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s what she said! Blat, seriously, she’s just saying Loxsyn is a wonderful goddess, who is all about peace and love—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrr!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

—and might be a good fit here. I don’t know why you just don’t listen.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

She’s a bear.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. And she just explained herself very clearly.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(raises his voice)

Loxsyn! We chose Loxsyn to be the goddess of—

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Are you sure, Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(whines nervously)

SEAN

And she’s suddenly standing right in front of you and you notice her teeth are very, very long.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rr rrr rr?

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Think carefully, Blat. Think very carefully.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rr rr rrrr rr rrrr?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Lady… my friend died and came back as a bear. His whole purpose in life is to make fairy cakes. And now they don’t work. And this kid (who has a brilliant future as a surgeon or a medical professional by the way) just wanted to deliver some mail and that couldn’t happen. I think you are part of the problem. We all risked our lives to try and save you. And you have been particularly ungrateful.

The choir returns for a final climactic chord.

SEAN

And poof.

Blat is no longer standing there.

MARISA

Oh God.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role‐playing game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with Marisa King as Darcy, Carter Siddall as Blat, Michael Howie as Eggerton and special guest Julian Sark as Magnus.

Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.

Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer.

Game consultant: Stephen Smith.

Join our Patreon for weekly bonus material, access to our Discord server, and lots more. You’ll find it all at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE

SEAN

Scene.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(“Uh-oh!”)

Rh rhhh!

Laughter.

MARISA

I don’t think we should mess with the Goddess of the Moon…

CARTER

I upset!