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14: Between, Part 2

Darcy, Eggerton, Blat and Magnus flee the fearsome Celene into perilous territory.

After this episode, we’ll be taking a short break while we roll out Season Two of Alba Salix, Royal Physician. Our adventurers will return in December!

Download MP3 (109 MB)

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Michael Howie, Carter Siddall and Marisa King, plus special guest Julian Sark.

Dialogue editing and transcription: Michael Howie
Additional material and sound design: Eli McIlveen
Story consultant: Laura Packer
Game consultant: Stephen Smith

Content Warning: Asphyxiation, falling from heights, doom, destruction, despair and nudity.

This week’s podcast recommendation: Tails from the Dark Dragons Inn!

LAST TIME…

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

Fast-paced music plays.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(weakly)

I pissed off a goddess, and now I’m in the woods that don’t end, and I’m talking to you—do you have a face?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Guys?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Where are you?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I’m right here!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rrrr rrr!

SEAN

And a fairy settles down out of the trees.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Look, there’s the fairy.

SEAN (AS THE FAIRY)

What do you mean? I’m not the only fairy, fairy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(shouts)

Are we in Between, Jerry?

SEAN (AS JERRY THE JOLLY JESTER)

AAAAAGH!

SEAN

And Jerry launches at you.

CARTER

Jerry just keeps on moving past me.

SEAN

Because…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Because of my demonic background, I may have some control over Limbo.

SEAN (AS A DEEP BOOMING VOICE)

WHO IS DOING MAGIC IN MY GLADE?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

He is!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no, that wasn’t—that wasn’t me…

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

This guy here!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Everyone. Just hold hands! We’re going to try to un‐Limbo ourselves out of here.

An eerie whoosh.

SEAN

You’re all in greyness, holding hands.

SEAN (AS THE FAIRY)

Celene’s put a price on all your heads.

SEAN (AS THE FAIRY)

Here. Do you want one of my fairy cakes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thanks.

SEAN

And you see Eggerton start to lift into the air.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You almost flew, Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(breathless)

I almost…

(gasps)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You said that we could follow you. Where would you take us? It wouldn’t be into the hands of this goddess who’s offered a bounty—

SEAN (AS THE FAIRY)

Oh, right! So I get all the money and all the jewels and all the cool things! Right! Yeah, so just follow me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh boy.

CELENE’S PALACE

SEAN

The four of you were standing and staring down at basically Celene’s palace with the fairy in the air near you, when suddenly you are all standing in front of the palace doors.

An ominous choir sings.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oohhh!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That escalated quickly.

SEAN

And they are slowly opening. These are very strange, large palace doors that are all kinds of faces and grotesque figures, as if they are built out of different beings that have been trapped forever inside them. Very lifelike… assuming they were carved, ever. And these giant gates are slowly opening, and you hear the sounds of what must be five thousand fae inside the hall, all talking and murmuring as these doors are opening before you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

It’s just like her scary chariot. I don’t want to go in.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I would have expected a portcullis.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy roleplaying game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Michael Howie and Carter Siddall, and special guest Julian Sark. Episode 14: Between, Part 2.

SEAN

As the gates widen, a bird-like being steps out in very long flowing purple robes. Except there’s a typewriter where its head should be. And it steps forward and clackity clackity clacks and you see some words appear on the paper where the head is. It says: “ENTER.”

CARTER

Blat leans forward.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know if this is the right custom to do. I’m just going to try something.

CARTER

And types out: “THANK YOU” on the keys.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Don’t type that!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I don’t know…! It’s got a typewriter for a face! Is that what I’m supposed to do? I’m sorry, is this bothering you? Am I touching your nose or something?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

The thing you want to type is “NO”!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! All right.

CARTER

So Blat starts hitting the back key.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ll just… all right. So I’ll type an X over each letter of “THANK YOU” and then capitalize—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You need to scroll down the paper first.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I’m sorry.

CARTER

(mimics the crunch of a typewriter roller)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think you should say “Thank you but no.” That’s more polite.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, that’s more polite. Sorry, could you just hold still, bird-typewriter being? Just a moment. So, all right…

(clears his throat)

“Thank you, but no. We rescind your generous offer of entry—”

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

There’s a typo on “rescind”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. How do you spell “rescind”?

SEAN

The doors hit their widest open point with a resounding sound through the hall. And there is a hush now. The entire hall is quiet as Blat continues to try and type on this being’s head.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, so R‑E-S‑C…

SEAN

The paper advances. It’s like, “IF YOU WILL PLEASE STOP” types out on the paper.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. I was worried that this was considered rude. I’m sorry. Can you hear us, typewriter being?

SEAN

“I’VE NEVER”—types out on the next line… and that’s when you realize the entire hall is quiet, and you just feel all the eyes from this hall focused on you all standing in the doorway.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So what if we all take three steps back? All together… and we’ll just keep doing that all the way down the hill.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Very good. Casually… casually. Don’t make it seem like you’re walking backwards like, “Oh hey look at that statue over there! That’s interesting.” Take a step back.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I’m just transferring my weight back on my heel, just like this.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Absolutely. Ooo! Take a look at that over there. That’s quite lovely. Take a step.

SEAN

And Blat, your back hits a wall that wasn’t there and the wall grumbles.

SEAN (AS THE WALL)

Excuse me!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m terribly… sorry? Heh… I’m sorry, are you a wall?

SEAN (AS THE WALL)

What do I look like?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

A wall?

SEAN (AS THE WALL)

Well, I’m probably a wall. You got a problem with that?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t have a problem per se that you are a wall. I was just wondering if perhaps you could be a wall somewhere else. We’re just trying to leave.

SEAN (AS THE WALL)

Well, I’m just going in.

SEAN

And the wall begins to advance forward.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Hey!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay! So we’re moving forward. So we’re moving forward. Heh. Excuse us, typewriter being—

SEAN

The typewriter slaps you across the face and stalks off.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Aaaaa!

All right. Celene lives in a very trippy castle. But! We have an ace in the hole! We’re in a castle of fae and we have a fae amongst us!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Who’s that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Darcy has a little bit of fae on her great aunt’s—IT’S YOU.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh. Yeah, I knew that. Okay. Ahem. So…

Excuse me, everybody! I would like to petition for uh, exit to another place because this is, as I have been told, creepy AF, and we don’t want to be here any more thank you.

SEAN

The wall stops behind you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! See, it worked.

SEAN

And there’s a slight murmur rolling forward in the crowd away from you.

SEAN (AS VOICES IN THE CROWD)

(whispering)

He wants to get out. He wants to leave. He wants to exit. Why…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. So I think this is going well. Um… We’ll just. Excuse me Mr. Wall, if you wouldn’t mind walling elsewhere?

SEAN

And the wall disintegrates into blocks that all start running around and running off into the crowd.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That was a little terrifying. But look! I fixed it as your leader—

SEAN

As the giant door slams shut behind you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sighs)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um. So… the wall problem has been resolved, with nightmarish results. However, it would appear that the doors are not cooperating. If someone else has an idea of how to open the doors and/or progress away from this upsetting incident, I am open to ideas.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, here’s my question: is this still Limbo? Or the In-Between? Because if it is, perhaps I could use my new demonic whatchamacallit to get us out of here. Huddle up everyone!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Huddle huddle huddle.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’ll give this a try. Everyone hold hands! I’ll think really hard, and perhaps we can just magic our way out of here.

SEAN

All right. Roll for Limbo Travel.

CARTER

Rolling for Limbo Travel.

That is a 7! “On a 7 to 9 you enter Limbo, but with a cost: you end up in a different location or plane; or you are unable to exit Limbo for ten minutes while you recharge.”

I choose: “end up at a different location or plane”! Possibly the one where we came from!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This seems oddly familiar to me, everybody.

A DIFFERENT LOCATION OR PLANE

SEAN

Okay, so you’re all huddled up around Blat… when all of a sudden everything starts to get really dark, like you’re going blind. The colours are changing, things are pulsing and everything sounds really dampened. And you hear another murmur and in the hall, this time louder, rushing away down ahead of you in the audience…

The eerie whoosh of limbo travel.

SEAN

And you disappear and you are floating in the void.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sarcastic)

This is much better.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, no one’s going to try to kill you because there’s no one here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’ll just cease to exist after millennia floating here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know about that. I think we’ll always be here. Whether we’ll be alive, I don’t know, but I truly believe that our physical forms will still exist in whatever this non-place is.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Look, I can do a somersault in the air!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oooh! Very good.

SEAN

So you are floating in the blackest of black. There is no light, yet you can sort of see each other, sort of in an outliney kind of way. And there is nothing. And sound sort of exists; you can sort of hear each other, but it’s like it just falls off pretty quickly, as if underwater.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I kind of want to be back in the castle.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m worried that the distance of the castle are going to do something awful to us.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Do you know why they’re gonna do something awful to us?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes! I know why! Because I did not promise the magical tree to the evil goddess of the moon. This is all my fault. I’m trying to make it better! Hence we’re floating safely in… a void of blackness.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Where we’re probably going to die. Take me to a different place! Please! Wherever it is, other than where we currently are! And plus… you angered a—she’s a goddess! You can’t come back from that! That is not something you come back from!

(reconsiders)

Actually, I think I’m good. I prefer to stay here in the void. No good can come from going back there!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes! Exactly! Which is why I put us in the void! We’re safe in the void. Sure, we’ll eventually go insane from boredom and then starve to death. But still, it’s probably better than what she was going to do to us because oh! I didn’t want her to be in charge. Loxsyn! Loxsyn is the goddess of choice!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Oh no. We’re not going to starve to death, because we’ve got his fairy cakes that never work!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They’re still filling.

SEAN

(laughing)

Cut to an hour later, floating in the void.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sings)

97 bottles of mead on the wall. 97 bottles of mead. I take one down and drink it alone ’cause I’m sad and I haven’t seen the sun and I’m really questioning whether or not this was a wise decision and my friends stopped talking to me and now it’s just kind of dreary and lonely… 96 bottles of mead on the wall.

No one else says a word. Mike starts to crack up, but soldiers on.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

96 bottles of mead on the wall, 96 bottles of mead…

Oh gods. Where is everybody? Why won’t you talk to me?

(sobbing)

I don’t like it here any more!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You see? You see what you’ve done, Blat?! Even Eggerton, who is the most annoyingly cheery person I’ve ever met, is completely depressed. He doesn’t even want to go on living. Well, I mean he’s going to go on singing that song, but I mean, I don’t think he wants to go on living anymore. I feel like you’re not consulting us in your decisions anymore. You single-handedly decided to defy Celene. You single-handedly decided to bring us here to a void. Maybe we could all decide on things as a team. Except you, Magnum you’re not really part of the team now. But I feel that this has probably not gone very well for you.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

My name is Magnus. Magnus!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! Sorry about that. Magnus. Yeah. Sorry this hasn’t gone too well for you here, has it. Heh. You were just delivering mail. It’s kind of funny and now you’re in a void somewhere…

Anyhoo! Um… we need to get out of here. Because I can’t take him singing that anymore.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(slurring drunkenly)

94 bottles of mead on the wall… but there’s no walls in a void, I want to drink a mead but can’t because there’s no walls… 93 bottles of—

SEAN

There’s no light, but… it’s like a shadow passes over all of you. Like something the size of a planet has just narrowly missed you all. And you just get this strange sense of foreboding.

MARISA

More foreboding than being in a void with him singing “96 Bottles of…”? Okay.

SEAN

Almost like you could feel the rumble of something passing that you couldn’t hear.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sorry guys, I’m a little hungry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think it was you. I think there’s something bigger out there.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I don’t think I can take any more foreboding.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. There’s a lot of foreboding.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, the only thing that I would suggest is holding hands and Limboing again.

Groans of protest from the party.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, exactly! Because now we have to talk about it. Quit making decisions for the group, Blat! Quit trying to improve our situation, Blat! We need to have a vote! Well, let’s just write down on secret little cards what we want to do.

Look! We either go after the planet-sized… foreboding, or we try to blink our way into someplace else!

SEAN

A giant whiteness opens up, filling all of your vision, all of you. And it takes a second to realize it is a giant eye and it is slowly tracking on you.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(whimpers)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s terrifying.

SEAN

And you feel another rumble.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Unilateral! Unilateral. Let’s unilateral it up. Let’s go go go!

Come on Blat! Unilateral! All you, buddy. Let’s do it. Buddy number 3.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! No! I will try something. Here.

(shouts)

Excuse me! Excuse me! Is anybody there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, this is going to work great. Talk to the giant eyeball!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Big eyeball?

SEAN

The eyeball shifts slightly, as if it was looking at Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… Hello! Hello, Giant Eyeball. Nice to meet you. Uh… my name is Dar—

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

FOOOOOOD.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, that’s not good.

Uh, Eggerton, do you have any fairy cakes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think I have any that big.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe we could just give it something small.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay okay. I’ll take one out. Here’s—this is a nice green cube one.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Throw it a little bit below the eye.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A little below the eye.

SEAN

A line, way down from this eyeball, a red line is starting to form. Quite large.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The red line. Aim for the red line.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Here we go! And—whooof! Oh look, it’s floating.

SEAN

(laughs)

Let’s roll Volley in the void.

MIKE

All right.

(sings)

Volley in the void… That is a 6.

SEAN

Do you have a Dex bonus?

MIKE

I do not.

SEAN

Okay. So. Egerton sends a little fairy cake tumbling off into the void, and you see the red line getting bigger, opening up as if it might be a giant mouth.

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

FOOOOOOOD.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Hey, listen. You’re huge. We’re tiny! We’re not even going to fill you up. You’re gonna be even hungrier!

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

SOOOO HUNGRY.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(whimpers)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I feel like this is a good time to just cut our losses.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

No, no, don’t say it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Let’s—let’s hold hands…

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(groans)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And here, I’ll hold both your hands, Magnum, and we’ll get ready to go, because the mouth is getting bigger.

SEAN

It is filling all of your vision now, this redness. All you see is red, as if it’s approaching.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Wait, wait, wait! I know where you can get lots of food! Lots of food. We just came from there! Celene’s castle! It’s filled with fae! It was like there was a thousand of them there—and they’re just waiting! Just waiting to be eaten!

SEAN

The redness is receding.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Interesting.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Now… Blat. Can you touch this thing, hold on to our hands… and try to limbo us back to the castle so this thing can eat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s an excellent plan.

(turning sarcastic)

But I don’t know if I can do it because we have to check with Darcy. Would that be all right with you, Darcy? We came up with a plan but we didn’t ask you about it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I feel like I’m being forced into this. But yes, I’ll agree. Rather than being eaten.

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

FOOOOOOD.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Ack! You better do this now, Blat!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. All right. Everybody hold hands and I’ll just…

SEAN

You’re a little too far away from each other right now to hold hands.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’m going to swim over to Darcy.

SEAN

It seems to be working.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, it’s working!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, I gotcha.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay okay okay okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I gotcha. Let’s swim over towards Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m flapping my wings.

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

NOOO TRICKS.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No tricks! He speaks the truth. There’s a castle. There’s a lot of stuff in it. A lot of stuff. I’m just going to—I don’t want this to hurt. I’m just going to wrap one little hand around an eyelash… Good? Good. Is everyone okay back there?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. Take my hand. And now—the thinking.

SEAN

(laughs)

There is so much riding on this roll.

Carter begins rolling.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thinking—thinking—thinking—not knowing how this is going to work—dear lord in heaven, how large is this being?

Whoosh.

CARTER

8!

Laughter.

CARTER

“You enter Limbo, but with a cost. You end up at a different location or plane!”

SEAN

What are the options? Different…

CARTER

“You are unable to exit Limbo for ten minutes while you recharge.”

Silence.

SEAN

(laughing)

You’re sort of in Limbo.

Okay, so I’m gonna say… um… dear lord. I need to read this.

CARTER

(laughs)

We broke the game!

CARTER AND JULIAN

We broke the game! We broke the game!

MARISA

Carter broke the game again.

CARTER

We broke the game!

MIKE

And that’s the end of Season 1, folks! Thanks for tuning in.

Laughter.

MIKE

We’ll be back when Sean checks out of Ward 5 of the mental hospital.

CARTER

I like how essentially we are now in Quantum Leap.

Laughter.

MARISA

Yeah, how do we think we’re going to get back to the place?

MIKE

Sliders.

CARTER

Sliders!

MARISA

We’re just gonna go to Limbo again. Why did you think we could bring us back.

SEAN

I have it.

MARISA

Oh, we’re in trouble.

SEAN

The world explodes into all of your senses… and Blat, you are holding on to this beast of such size and scope you can’t even see it. And all of you are hanging off of Blat. And around you is sort of a colourless plane and rocks and craters, and off in the distance there’s very everything’s very bright, and you see a small globe in the sky, pretty large, that appears to be a distant planet. And all of you are on the moon.

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

HUNGRYYY.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. There’s been a slight problem with our location, but as you can see—

SEAN

And you can’t speak because you can’t breathe.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

SEAN

And there is no oxygen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(protracted gasping)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(strangled)

Rolling! Rolling! Just hold on to me! Rolling…!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(still gasping)

Laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(still gasping)

It’s a 7! We have to go to a different plane because we can’t stay here to recharge!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe you can let go of the eyelash!

SEAN

And you all pop out of existence.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(groans)

SEAN

And you appear in…

Uh, so no—here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to play a game. So from 1 to 6, we’re going to go around the table. I’m going to write numbers until we get them. We’re going to come up with six planes, because we’re probably going to be doing this for a bit.

Laughter.

SEAN

So we’ll start with… Magnus! What’s a place or a plane.

JULIAN

747!

MARISA

…what?

JULIAN

It’s a plane.

MARISA

(laughs)

MIKE

Boooo.

SEAN

(writing)

So modern day… Yup. A plane of existence?

MIKE

Celene’s castle.

SEAN

(writing)

Such a cheater. Okay, Celene’s—the land of the fae.

JULIAN

(whispers)

Why would you want to go back there?!

SEAN

Eli? Number three?

ELI

Uh… The hell dimension of Qwaytox.

SEAN

Thank you.

CARTER

(laughs)

SEAN

Eli has said: the hell dimension of Qwaytox. I’m going to pick the Land of Death. Marisa?

MARISA

The land of sugar plums and jujubees.

SEAN

Love it. Carter!

CARTER

Uh… Eggerton’s kitchen.

SEAN

(laughing)

Oh God!

MARISA

How is that a plane?

SEAN

It is a plane. I’ll give it. It is not of this world. Okay. Marisa! Roll us a six-sided die, please.

MARISA

It’s a 4!

SEAN

The Land of Death.

MIKE

Oooo.

MARISA

I’ve been there.

SEAN

(laughs)

You might actually complete your mission. Okay, so…

THE LAND OF DEATH

Whoosh. A soft, ethereal wind.

SEAN

You all pop back into existence, and everything is weird. It’s as if the world is is planarly flat. Every direction you look, there is just mist leading up to a tower in the distance, no matter where you turn. And you are now all falling towards the ground hanging onto this giant void-beast. But you never stop falling. You’re always in the same place, falling towards this misty floor, with always a tower in the distance, no matter where you turn.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This looks really familiar.

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

FOOOOOOOD.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’re slowly moving backwards. If we keep this up, we may eventually get home.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. No, we’re stopping here. We’re stopping here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! All right. We’ll stop here. Well, tell me, what sort of lives are we going to lead here in our new home? Tell me! What’s your plan? What’s your plan? Because I seem to be forever falling, with the world’s most giant creature hovering above me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton. Throw me some of your fairy cakes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, here you go.

SEAN

I need a roll for Volley! You guys are falling, hanging on to each other and tossing each other fairy cakes.

MIKE

That’s a 7.

SEAN

Okay. So you lose all your fairy cakes from your pouch. They’re just falling down towards the ground, but two of them make it to Darcy. So you have no more fairy cakes until you can get to a place to cook or eat or sleep.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… Mr. Death! Mr. Grim Reaper! Fairy cakes! Fairy cakes! Do you remember me? Hello?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Death?

(laughs)

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

You’re calling for Death?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re kind of old friends.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

WHAT?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I owe him a favour.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You owe Death a favour?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How do you think I got alive again? You think it was that guy’s… ministration and surgeon’s skills?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(gasps)

You lied to us! You said you were a medical expert!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I didn’t say that! I said that I know a little bit about it, that’s all I said! But you put it on me. You said I had to save her! I—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You did have to save her! And do you know why you had to save her? Because I love Darcy! There! I love Dar— ohh, what did I just say as I’m falling down here in the Death Plane.

Silence.

SEAN (AS THE GIANT EYEBALL)

FOOOOOOD.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No one heard that! Everyone—what I just said was drowned out by the giant monster who demands food.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So… Death? Grim Reaper? Hello?

MARISA

And I’m waving my arms in the air with these fairy cakes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I never thought I’d be so uncomfortable plummeting forever downwards with a giant coming at me.

It’s kind of awkward now.

A prolonged silence.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Just like that. Very awkward.

Laughter.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Listen. You’re going to bank our success or failure on those freakin’ fairy cakes?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, how else are we going to stop the falling? We’re just gonna keep falling forever!

SEAN

And you’re no longer falling. You’re all suspended, just frozen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know if this is better or worse.

SEAN

And you hear a voice, Darcy. I think you all hear it—and it’s somebody talking with their mouth full.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

I didn’t think you’d do it, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But I did! I brought you the fairy cakes!

SEAN

And in front of all of you materializes… Death. In the robes with the hooded cowl, and holding a scythe in one hand, and seems to be eating something with the other.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

That is so cool.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thank you.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Well, Darcy you’ve delivered. In fact, you’ve inundated me with fairy cakes. They’re scattered across the plane here.

I did not expect a Galactopoid from the void, however.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, is that what that is? Heh. I thought maybe you would need a Galactopoid for your collection.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

I don’t believe it is the Galactopoid’s time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh. That’s too bad.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

And it seems to be very hungry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. We’ve had a problem with that.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

This guy wants to eat us.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

I don’t—I just wanted to eat a fairy cake.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

No, no, no. The Galactopoid. He’s all hungry and he’s gonna eat us. So… is there anything you could do about that, maybe, just to help us out? I mean, you’re friends with Darcy? So you know, you probably want to help a friend out. That’s what friends do, right?

SEAN

Suddenly the cowl is right in front of you.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Aaa!

SEAN (AS DEATH)

You’re asking to make a bargain with Death, young—

(sudden recognition)

Oh! Magnus.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What? You know my name?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

(chuckling)

I know everyone’s name. I have a ledger here somewhere.

SEAN

And a ledger appears in his hand and he’s reading it.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Very interesting.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Well… yeah, you know, I’ve led a pretty cool life, so far, I mean for somebody who’s so young. But uh… yeah, sure! Let’s, let’s, let’s just make a bargain, you and I!

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Okay.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Yes.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What do you want?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Well, it depends what you were asking for, young Magnus.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What I’d like…

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Uh huh.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Is for you…

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Uh huh.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

To make this Galactopoid go away, and… return us to the tree.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Really, Magnus. You have one chance to make a pact with Death, and that’s really what you’re going to ask for?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(sighs)

Well… that’s my immediate need. I mean, there are other things I would like, like you know, I would really love to be an all-powerful superbeing who could do really cool martial arts and like, save the world…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But he’ll settle for the Galactopoid.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

But I’ll settle for the Galactopoid!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And some more fairy cakes.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(sighs)

And some more fairy cakes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, oh, and I lost my noise-making thing that I like at night—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton. Eggerton, he’s making a deal with Death.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but I—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe just shhhh. Just shhh.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

So how many years are you willing to give me, Magnus? Early?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Uh… Give you years?

(grimaces)

Can we…

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Remember, you don’t even know how few you have.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

True… true.

Guys, uh, help me out here. What should I do—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

He’ll give you 17 years.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No—Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? I’m just trying to move this along. I’m getting uncomfortable with the floating, I’m getting some chafing, and I really just want to go back to the tree so we can all sit down and relax for a bit. 17 years for all of the things he said—let’s do it.

SEAN (AS DEATH)

It is done!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! No!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Excellent.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But he doesn’t even have any awful habits yet! Like smoking, or an addiction to crass reading material!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Uh, he actually has both of those.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What?!

SEAN (AS DEATH)

(chuckling)

However… Magnus, you can’t make a deal with Death. It doesn’t work like that. Ah, the look on your face!

We’ll meet again, Magnus. Darcy, thank you. You have satisfied the first part of our bargain.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The first part?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

Now, if you could just take your Galactopoid from the void and move along, that would be great.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You… you don’t want him here?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

No. It’s not his time. But when it is this time I’m happy to make a deal. Same as you, Magnus. But it is none of your time. I’m amazed you even got here. Very interesting.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What about, to get rid of us, you send us back to Celene’s Palace with the Galactopoid, and then you’d get rid of us all. Would that be useful?

SEAN (AS DEATH)

You know I remember when people were afraid of Death. It was such a better time. You know, everyone was just afraid of me…

His voice fades away to nothing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It makes you feel better, I am presently terrified.

SEAN

(laughing)

Death disappears. But you’re still floating in the mist, and everywhere you look there is a tower off in the distance.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we have to take Galacty with us.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(groans)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Otherwise Death is going to be real mad.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

He’s so personable. I don’t know why he thinks that we’re gonna be afraid of him. Anyway… we could try to kill this Galactopod, then maybe Death would come and take—

SEAN (AS THE GALACTOPOID)

(a massive roar)

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I mean—we could try to massage this this Galactopoid and make him really happy!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we better’d get off the Death Plane, first of all. I don’t think it’s going to end well. Limbo us out of here, Blat—is there any chance we could get back to Celene’s Castle? That’s what I want to know. Or do we just limbo on forever?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh well, let me try my Limbo Handbook here—I don’t have one! I don’t know how this works! Everyone, just grab a hold and… Galacty? Is it all right if I refer to you as Galacty.

SEAN (AS THE GALACTOPOID)

(rumbles)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, very good. Thank you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now remember, if we can make it back to Celene’s castle, there’s all sorts of good stuff in it to eat.

SEAN (AS THE GALACTOPOID)

HUNGRY.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I understand, Galacty, yes. It’s been a while since I’ve had something nourishing, myself. So! Onesy, twosy, apples and pears, what is the present thing that we’re going to be trapped in?

He rolls.

Whoosh.

CARTER

8!

Laughter.

CARTER

“You end up in a different location or plane!”

MARISA

Shocking.

SEAN

(laughing)

Roll a six-sided die, Darcy.

MARISA

It’s a 1.

SEAN

Modern day.

MIDROLL

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

It’s the beginning of the middle of the End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hey everyone. Sean here, and I want to thank you all for being with us on this amazing journey. Quick note that this episode—Episode 14, the one you are listening to right now, the one where the entire table chanted “We broke the game”—is the last episode for a little while. We’re gonna be taking just a short break while we roll out Alba Salix, Season 2. Or as Eli is calling it Alba Salix, Volume 2. So just keeping in mind there’s gonna be a short break before we come back with our next episode.

That said, I also want to promote where you can come and meet us and see us. Eli and I will both be at PodCon in Seattle on January 19th and 20th. Please stop by if you’re in the area, say hi—we’re going to have some super awesome things to give away, and also at our table. Finally, it’s time for our mid roll promo. This week, we have a special audio clip to play for you from an awesome podcast, a live play podcast that we really enjoy and we love, and you may have heard of it. It’s Tales from the Dark Dragons Inn.

Moody music plays.

PROMO NARRATOR

Cities are hard. They’re tangled webs of shadows with someone different waiting to stab you in the back on every corner. Baldur’s Gate ain’t no different. If anything, it’s worse. There’s murder in the air, and a name on everyone’s tongue that no one dares to speak. The scales of justice are new in town, hot on the tail of an evil cult. But they’re going to make him talk.

PROMO ANNOUNCER

Tales from the Dark Dragons Inn is a serialized fiction podcast. Join us for Season 2 on tftddi.co.uk.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: GOING ON BREAK

SEAN

Mike! Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

MIKE

Yeah, what’s up?

SEAN

All your stuff’s gotta be in boxes. We’ve gotta be out of here.

MIKE

What are you talking, in boxes?

SEAN

We’re going on break! We’re not paying for the studios while we’re on break.

MIKE

Well, I’ve got a lot of stuff here, and some of it’s kind of hidden.

SEAN

What do you mean hidden? Like, where where’s all this stuff coming from? Your trailer is tiny.

MIKE

Yeah, well, it’s not just the trailer. I might have, you know… Let’s go look at Marisa’s trailer. Walk over here.

SEAN

Okay.

MIKE

Now you see that—

Sean knocks on the door.

SEAN

Darcy! Marisa!

MARISA

What do you want.

SEAN

Hey, I just wanna make sure you’re all packed, because we’ve go to be out of the studio at the end of recording today.

MARISA

Wait. Do I have to pack all Mike’s stuff that’s also in my trailer?

SEAN

What do you mean, his stuff?

MIKE

You know about it?

MARISA

Uh, you paid me 20 dollars the other day to take over three-quarters of my trailer.

MIKE

Oh, no no no no. Not that stuff.

MARISA

Oh.

MIKE

The stuff I hid.

MARISA

I don’t know what he’s talking about.

MIKE

Okay, okay, come over here to the little sink.

(straining)

Just… lift that out and put it down here and yeah, see—there’s the magazines.

MARISA

Oh no.

SEAN

Oh no.

MIKE

These are these are my favourite cooking magazines. And people get really judgy because they think I could probably lose a few pounds, so I try not to read those around the press. So I’ll take those and put them in my bag…

SEAN

You’re going to take all this stuff one trip at a time in your backpack?

MIKE

Yeah.

SEAN

Please send money so Sean doesn’t go insane. You can do so at patreon.com/albasalix.

MIKE

I’m pretty sure they can just go to otherbothers.com if they want, too.

SEAN

Security! Security!

MIKE

Aw, come on.

SEAN

We need you to please take him and bring him again…

FALLING

Whoosh.

A fierce whistling wind.

SEAN

You are suddenly in clouds. And a brilliant bright blue sky and a very too-bright sun, and you hear this roar that’s like sound of some kind of engine approaching. And you are floating—or perhaps in freefall—in the clouds.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why are we going so fast?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(shouting)

Oh, it’s very simple. We’re plummeting to our doom.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Aw, geez!

SEAN

With a giant-sized void creature that you are hanging onto, as you hear the sounds of the engine getting louder.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What—what—what’s that sound coming from?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I see a dot, and—oh! The dot appears to be getting larger.

SEAN

And you see what looks to be some kind of moving vehicle with wings… and it is getting faster and faster, approaching you.

And it begins to fire.

And you just hear the sound as all these projectiles are, like, zinging through the air all around you. Everyone roll Defy Danger.

MARISA

Wha…?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think it’s trying to communicate with us.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes. Through death.

MIKE

8.

CARTER

6.

JULIAN

3!

CARTER

(laughs)

MARISA

9.

Laughter.

SEAN

Okay, so… basically Magnus and Blat take—basically, a shell explodes near you, and you are both going to take damage. You’re both going to take 4 hit points of damage.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhh!

SEAN

And Darcy and Eggerton, you guys have a choice. You can continue holding on to the party—there’s like, shells exploding all around you as this plane banks and passes by you. So you can hold on and take damage or you can let go.

MARISA

I will let go.

SEAN

Okay.

MIKE

I’m going to hold onto Darcy but let go of everyone else.

SEAN

Okay. So you two are both tumbling off away, because the explosion sends you flying, and you both take 2 hit points damage.

MARISA

What!

SEAN

And I don’t think either of you have armour. And this contraption, plane, banks and zooms off as all these shells impact all across this giant galactopoid from the void. And it groans and turns a little, starting to put you underneath it, as you are continuing in freefall.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Galacty!

SEAN (AS THE GALACTOPOID)

RRRRRR.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You can eat this!

SEAN (AS THE GALACTOPOID)

YARRRR.

SEAN

Suddenly the two of you—so Magnus and Blat—you are clinging to this eyelash as the eyelash starts to close down. And you feel yourselves start to lift and move and bank with this giant creature. Darcy and Eggerton, you are continuing to fall away, tumbling head over heels.

MARISA

Aaaaaa…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aaaa!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Wha-ha-ha-haaa! This is awesome!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(shouting hoarsely)

All right! Magnum! Hold on to Galacty! I have to let go of you and fly down to get Eggerton and Darcy.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Okay!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ll fly back up and get the two of you after he’s eaten… whatever this very dangerous metal bird is.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

All right! Good luck!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So long!

CARTER

And Blat lets go, and rushes down with his wings tucked behind him to get maximum velocity to grab onto Darcy and Eggerton!

SEAN

Give me a Defy Danger roll, Blat, as you let go and backwards-fall down into a Batman pose.

MIKE

With “Danger Zone” playing.

CARTER

6.

SEAN

Do you have a Dex bonus? I think you do.

CARTER

7.

SEAN

Okay. So you, as you drop back and you start to angle down on them, you realize that you’re being pulled off by something you are wearing or holding. Something in your pack is giving you too much pull. It’s lifting you off target. You’re having trouble flying, with your arms folded. What do you want to drop or let go of?

CARTER

My pants.

Laughter.

SEAN

Kay.

So Blat, you manage to rip your pants off and—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I do this for love!

MIKE

(giggles)

SEAN

Magnus, you are clinging to this eyelash as you feel this giant void galactopoid pivot and suddenly accelerate. I need you to roll Defy Danger.

JULIAN

Uh, 4.

Laughter.

SEAN

And Magnus? What sound do you make as you are ripped off the side of this eye, as the Galactopoid takes off after this—

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(screams)

Daaaah!

SEAN

Okay! So Blat, you are zooming down at full velocity towards this tumbling mess that is Darcy and Eggerton. And you are able to grab on to, from your roll you’re able to grab on to… who do you want to grab?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ll grab on to Darcy first.

SEAN

Okay. So you are going to grab Darcy. Darcy you are suddenly snatched, and thrown sideways and grabbed.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Dah!

SEAN

By a naked Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Don’t look at that. Don’t look at that. Just keep looking up. Just keep looking up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I thought things were awkward before.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s all right. We can talk about that later. Wait, just scan for Eggsy. Where’s Eggsy?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

SEAN

…says Eggsy, who’s hanging on to her legs.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Excellent. I thought I was going to have to do that twice. Because I really don’t think I have the energy to do it twice.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Don’t look up, Eggerton. Just keep looking down.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s too late! It’s right in my face!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Look—oh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh—again, I’m sorry, I had to—ahem—get rid of something that was causing me, uh, wind drift.

SEAN

Now you are still plummeting full down. Wings are not spread. And you’re holding on to Darcy. So you see the ground. You’re exiting the clouds and you see ground, still a ways away, but rushing at you.

CARTER

So I’ll slowly open my wings up to slow our descent.

SEAN

Okay.

CARTER

And as I do so I scan the sky to make sure that the Galactopoid is attacking the giant metal bird.

SEAN

So you basically slowly open your wings, and it’s pretty rough. So you’re all like being shaken around—

Darcy and Eggerton groan and cry out.

SEAN

—as you start to open, and looking up, you see a massive shadow of a being, moving away at pretty decent clip. And that’s when Magnus passes you guys.

Magnus zooms past, shouting incoherently.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, dammit.

Hang on, everyone!

CARTER

So I press Eggerton and Darcy against my naked form, tuck my wings back again, and shoot down like a rocket towards Magnum.

SEAN

Roll Defy Danger.

CARTER

8.

SEAN

Dex bonus?

CARTER

Yes.

SEAN

Okay. So you are rocketing after Magnus. Your wings are tucked. You’re getting a lot of—you’re being pulled. You’re being rocketed left, right, because you’ve got a lot of stuff going on. And you see him coming… but you’re coming in too fast.

CARTER

I open my wings up, scream:.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Anyone who can grab him, grab him! Anyone who can grab him, grab him! Anyone who can grab him, grab him! Anyone who can grab him, grab him! Anyone who can grab him, grab him! Anyone who can grab him, grab him! Anyone who can grab him, grab him! Anyone who can grab him, grab him!

MIKE

I let go…

Laughter.

MIKE

And grab on to Magnus.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yngh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I got you, Magnus!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Noooo!

SEAN

And now the two of them are tumbling away from you, because you pulled out your wings.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Wlaaaa!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wings! Eggsy, you’ve got wings! Use the wings, Eggsy!

MIKE

So I spread my wings… and continue tumbling through the air.

SEAN

Yep. You see his wings flapping as he continues to tumble through the air down towards the ground.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eggsy! Your clothes! Your clothes are slowing you down! Take off the clothes, Eggsy! It’s the only way!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What?! Don’t take off your clothes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, Magnus! You get my pants, I’ll get the shirts!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Oh God! Okay…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, oh! No, careful! Careful! Oh, those are snaps!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Augh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh geez.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Aaa!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh no.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Oh my goodness.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

He can’t fly! You have to go and rescue them! He’s a flightless fairy!

SEAN

Eggerton, you remember the bowl, in your head…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

You can be anything you think of, dude…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(softly)

A pigeon!

Laughter.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They’re excellent flyers! That’s what I’ll do! Okay, I think I just—

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

A pigeon?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I need to think about this really hard…

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Seriously?

MIKE

(whispering as he rolls)

Shapeshifter, shapeshifter, shapeshifter…

MARISA

Wow.

MIKE

11!

SEAN

We cut to the ground. And Blat, you land with your wings out. Darcy, you are deposited very gently on the ground.

A thump of wings catching the air.

SEAN

And ahead of you in the pond, you hear the thrashing of Eggerton and Magnus.

Frantic flapping. A whistling and splash as they plummet into water.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I got it! I got it! We’re good! I flew, I flew! Did you see me fly? I was a bird. I was like a bird! I flew!

(sighs)

Yeah… it was awesome. I’m a bird.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(shellshocked)

I can’t believe I’m still alive!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s because I’m so good at my shapeshifting and I turned into a bird and I flew you into the pond and saved our lives. You’re welcome.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(groans)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggsy. Put your pants back on.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eggsy, throw me your coat. I need something to wrap around myself.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, here you go.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ve never been more humiliated in my life.

But you have to admit that was pretty dang cool. Huh? Huh?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I was a pigeon.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You were a pigeon! You were a pigeon! And, and you landed in a pond! And… did you see the size of that creature that we brought through multiple dimensions?! We met Death! Death!

SEAN

You hear air sirens sounding, resounding across the countryside. And above, you see all these flying metal contraptions zooming off towards the big—you can still see—the giant galactopoid, way up above the clouds. And all these contraptions are flying and shooting, and explosions are ricocheting off. And you see it turning and just this giant orifice opening, and just swallowing like, five, six of them, as it continues to circle.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They’re excited we’re here. They’re doing fireworks.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we’ve brought a huge amount of chaos to this plane, wherever we are.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, that’s our job done. Let’s move on to the next one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes. Best not to think about it because we’ve probably doomed this particular plane to a godawful end. Okay! Who wants to try to Limbo travel?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(sobs)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(defeated)

I just want to go back to Celene’s castle and be executed.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I was just trying to deliver some mail!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. You’ve traumatized this poor kid. The things he’s seen! He was just trying to deliver mail. Look what we’ve done to him. He almost thought he was have to make a deal with Death. What have we done?!

(sobs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What we had to, Darcy. What we had to to live.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That galactopoid might have had some kids and he might have wanted to just go home and go to sleep, but we brought him to another dimension and now he’s getting lightning things thrown at him.

SEAN (AS THE GALACTOPOID)

EATING.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

While we may have doomed this dimension, we saved a Galactopoid who would have starved to death!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Looking on the bright side. I like it. Look up in the sky at how happy he is!

SEAN

And you see him eat like, seven more things. And you hear tanks moving on the road, and the air sirens getting louder…

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

So, uh, what do you figure if you void-jump without your pants?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’ll probably be a bit breezy.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

But maybe it’ll work this time.

SEAN

All right. So what we’re going to do now, just because this is too crazy… So we’re going to basically appear back in Celene’s court.

Laughter.

SEAN

We’re going to start in Celene’s court and each one of you is going to describe what your character now looks like.

So I think you’ve probably been void-jumping for, let’s say, days.

CARTER

Sure.

SEAN

OK? So I want you to have some fun with what’s happened to you, what state you’re in, what you might have with you or whatever. And so we’re gonna start.

THE END OF THE ROAD

Whoosh. The chattering voices of the fae echo through the hall.

SEAN

There’s a resounding clap of thunder and you are back in an endlessly long hall. And it’s a very dark hall so, it takes a second for your eyes to all adjust, and you hear a whisper surge through and down the hall as you realize you are back in Celene’s palace. And thousands, tens of thousands of fae line the sides of this hall that are suddenly hushed as you all four come into existence. And what do we see?

CARTER

Blat is still naked, with Eggerton’s jacket wrapped around his embarrassing parts. He’s wearing a pith helmet, carrying a spear and there are splotches of blue paint all over him.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right! I didn’t think I would say this but… we’re ready to be executed now.

SEAN

And beside him?

MARISA

Darcy’s dragging along behind, and her centaur pants are completely splattered with mud and grass. But she’s also dragging this fairly large sack of like, gumdrops and things like that behind her. And she’s lost a shoe, and her hair is messier than usual, and she’s really glaring at Blat.

MIKE

Eggerton is wearing a formal tuxedo top with one pant leg and a loincloth, holding a rubber chicken and using it as nunchuk, and eating a gumdrop with his mouth full saying,

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(slurring incoherently)

I’m ready, I’m ready to do it… Chicken!

JULIAN

Magnus has some kind of a bird for a hat.

Laughter.

JULIAN

His robes are completely sodden in something that is blue, and on his feet are a pair of work boots, and he’s carrying a couple of books from a library somewhere.

SEAN

And a murmur starts up in the hall and washes forward down the hall as a light comes on at the end of this hall in the distance. And you see what looks like a throne that is built out of skeletons and half-decomposed bodies, and also grass and flowers all mixed together.

And on that throne in the distance, you see a familiar figure.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(resigned)

Hello, Celene.

SEAN

And you see a hand raise and a finger snap in the air—and you are suddenly all transported and standing ten feet in front of the throne.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I remember a time when that would have upset me.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(sweetly)

I thought you had left me.

SEAN

…she says, as she begins to get down and step towards you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We did leave you. And oh, the things that we saw!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(furtively)

Limbo jump! Limbo jump!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I can’t. I… we’ve been limbo jumping for so long.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

She’s so scary!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’ve seen Death! This scares you? Yes, this would have been scary once upon a time, but… time? I don’t even know how long we’ve been jumping! I could be a thousand years older for all I know! Celene…

SEAN

And she’s suddenly right in front of you and she’s caressing your chin and cheek.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh Celene, we’re so tired. I admit, we were trying to limbo jump to get back to the tree to get away from you. But I just couldn’t do it. We’ve seen the sights of a few dozen universes. I’m not going to tell you where I got this hat from. But now we realize—well, I realized—it’s time to pay the piper. I’ve come to accept whatever punishment you feel you need to mete out because I didn’t bestow the tree to you.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(laughs lightly)

Punishment? Oh, that’s kinky, Blat. I had no idea! Oh, so cute.

SEAN

And she lets her finger trace across your chest as she passes by Magnus.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

What a lovely hat… Magnus?

Silence.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(thunders)

I SAID IT’S A LOVELY HAT.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

(panicking)

Oh thank you it’s just a bird that took a liking to me and then I couldn’t really get it to get off my head!

MARISA (AS THE BIRD)

(coos)

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh! Nice. That’ll fit well with my plans for you.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Plans?

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh, Eggerton! You’ve dressed up for me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, actually this came from an elf named Bubba. And—

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Yes, that’s enough, yes, thank you.

Laughter.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Ohh. And you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Would you like a gumdrop?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They’re the size of suitcases.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

I might like a gumdrop. Is that a euphemism, Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it’s just a gum drop.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Ahh. Right. Very well.

Well. This has been lovely, you all. Thank you so much for coming.

SEAN

And she turns and heads up to sit on her throne, and starts talking to a fae that comes flying in and lands beside her on her armrest.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(softly)

Hm? Yes. Yes. No. I’d say no. Hmm, yes. Kill them all. Those other ones, yes. And what about the section? Yes, yes, no, that’s fine…

SEAN

And she’s just having a conversation.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did anyone else hear the kill word?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes. I’ve been preparing for the kill word for the last four limbo jumps.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I thought we were gonna be the kill word. What is happening here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I’ve got my rubber chickens so I’m ready to do whatever needs to be doing.

SEAN

And she stops and turns. She’s like,

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Why are you all still here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re… we’re waiting for you to kill us.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(laughs)

Oh, you won’t get off that easy. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot! You know, I’m so busy. I’m making you all full citizens of my land.

Cheering.

SEAN

And roar goes up in the crowd as all the fae begin to cheer. And chant and cheer and jump around. They all come running in around you from the sides. There are—everything, like there’s walls that come apart and all the bricks are running over. There are birdlike beings. There are robes made of shadows that appear to have no one in them but you see two eyes open up. And they’re all running around you and touching you and celebrating and laughing and yaaaay!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I just got this typewritten note that says “CONGRATULATIONS.”

(to Celene)

This is very bizarre. We weren’t expecting this, but it’s very charitable of you.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Isn’t it.

Be off with them.

SEAN

And she waves a hand and goes back to talking to the fae beside her.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we might be dismissed. I think we can maybe just leave?

SEAN

And a bunch of fae tugging at you and leading you towards a side door.

SEAN (AS THE FAE)

Come, come! Yay! Congratulations!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yay! Hooray for us. Let’s go out the side door.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This side door doesn’t have a sacrificial pyre out there, does it?

SEAN (AS THE FAE)

No!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s just a pathway, right?

SEAN (AS THE FAE)

No! We’re taking you to the Processing Room. Congratulations!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re being processed… yay!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Yay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But not into goo, right? Just into citizens.

SEAN (AS THE FAE)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay then!

Yay Processing Room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, excuse me. You. Fae closest to me.

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

(gruff voice)

Yeah, yeah. Sure. What can I get for you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry, um…

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

Oh, congratulations!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, thank you very much, no, I enjoy being a moon citizen. Um, my question is: why isn’t your goddess terribly upset with us?

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

Oh we don’t—we don’t—we wouldn’t presume to—I wouldn’t presume to think what my goddess thinks…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s just that… she asked us to name a place in her honour, and we didn’t do that, and we just assumed that she was gonna murderize us because of that and that’s why we’ve been avoiding her for all this time.

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

That’s valid.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Follow-up question: what is involved in processing?

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

Oh, well, I think you’re going to be briefed. You go through the briefing. They explain everything about citizenship.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We went through a briefing once and it was not overly beneficial. So maybe you could give us just like a little bit of a hint about what we can expect?

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

Well, you just go in, you go into the Processing—you’re you’re going to be briefed, I think. It’s part of—there’s a whole citizenship process. I’m not part of that committee. Congratulations, though!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh yes, thank you very much.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thanks.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe she thinks that everything we’ve suffered through Blat’s limbo jumps has paid us back for what we did to her. Maybe she actually has a reasonable side. And this is all going to end well—

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

I doubt that.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Or maybe she’s making us citizens so she can keep us here forever!

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

Yeah, that’s probably definitely it.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What?!

SEAN (AS A BRICK)

Have a nice day! Congratulations!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, thank you, thank you very much.

SEAN

And the brick walks away.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So now we need to escape from Celene?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Again?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All I really want is my official Moon Person birth certificate. Get a room somewhere with a bed, and sleep for a few millennia.

Moon me up! I want to be a Moonite! I’ll go first with the briefing!

THE BRIEFING

SEAN

So you are all led into a very normal-looking room. The door says BRIEFING ROOM—PROCESSING AND WELCOME CENTRE. There’s a bunch of chairs, there’s a little podium at the front, and there’s some kind of screen-like device, and you are all let in by a talking book who points with their pages, to sit down. And as you’re all sort of standing there, a large tree tries to force its way through the door towards—

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

(straining)

Ungh! Sorry, sorry…

SEAN

It pops in.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Welcome, welcome. I’m here to give your briefing. Please have a seat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Could we perhaps, um, speak to the manager?

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

I am the manager, yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh good. Good.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Please, have a seat and you may speak.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay I’ll sit here—

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Oh, congratulations. It’s very rare for us to have new citizens.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you, thank you very much.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s very nice.

So we were wondering if maybe you could help us go back to the Nexus, which is where I think we’re from? I don’t really remember any more where we’re from.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Yes. So this all maybe a little new to you all. How this works is, I’m going to give the name of the slide and then explain it and—I know this will be very unusual—and then what’s going to happen is, you all are going to give me names of the next slide and then I’ll give that briefing. That’s how it works around here. I know it’s strange.

Okay! So the first slide is: “Welcome to Processing.” So here, as you see on the screen, we’ve had some problems in the past with you humans because of this whole panic thing, heh heh heh—right. So the idea of this whole seminar is to help introduce the concepts to you so you don’t panic because that really doesn’t help with the whole process.

So that’s the end of that slide. Next slide!

MARISA

“The Lunar Cycle: From Birth to Death in Celene’s Kingdom.”

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Ah, yes. So here you see this depiction of the lunar cycle in its—we break it down into its 92 parts. Each one has a different name. You’ll be quizzed on that later. And basically, this would be your journey. So think of it as life, but you’re reborn every lunar cycle. So it’s endless! You will live forever!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Oh God.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Yes. Let’s go to the next slide.

CARTER

“No! Everything Isn’t Made of Cheese.”

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Right. So there’s a common misperception amongst you people because nobody’s ever been to the moon, right? Right? Heh heh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh no, we certainly have not! No, we have never been to the moon. No.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

No!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No. First time for everything.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It is a place of wonder and mystery.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

You’ll find when you get there, there’s no oxygen, no way to breathe, and it’s not made of cheese, it’s made of rock! Rock, people, rock! Yes. But anyways, as fae, you’ll be able to go there all the time, that you wish. We go there quite—it’s sort of like a resort. You know, you get tired of the grind, you know. Yes. But there’s no ocean.

Okay. Yes. Next slide?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

“By the Way, You’re All Fae Now.”

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Right! Heh heh. This is my attempt at a joke. So you’ll be second-class citizens, of course. So just to break this in slowly… So you will be Shadowborn. Right. Fae, we can’t really procreate per se. You know, Celene does like her little toys, but for the most part you either get born here—so you get stuck here and you’re pregnant—maybe you were led astray by a fae, ha ha—so that would be one way you’d be Shadowborn. But we have a method of creating Shadowborn out of humans. Um, really, it’s not that painful. And it’s pretty straightforward. And of course you have a choice in the matter! You can also choose to just, you know, die in the void. But that’s a—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Excuse me. There’s only two humans here. What’s going to happen to the demon and the fairy?

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Well, the demon will be processing as if he’s human, because he’s half human. The fairy… that’s a difficult topic. There is a process by which fae become Shadowborn, it’s… you become a second-class citizen again. But yes.

Next slide!

JULIAN

“Your Part in Celene’s Big Plan to Someday Rule the Multiverse.”

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Right! So it’s important that once you see this slide there’s no going back. Ha! Too late! Ha ha ha! It’s a joke. There’s really no going back for any of us. Okay! So basically, Celene’s plan—you’ll see here, this part’s crossed out because it sort of hinged on, well, a certain site of ancient power being dedicated in her name. So that person sort of derailed everything… but aside from that, you’ll see all the other steps here. We’re just revising them, so the plan’s under revision now for how we’re going to make all this happen.

Next slide!

MARISA

“A Difficult Topic.”

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Right. So, you know, this is sort of the end, so rather than tell you, I thought we just—you know, we’ll just go into the next room and, you know, we can demonstrate for you the process that you’ll be using to become Shadowborn.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t like the sound of Shadowborn. Blat, didn’t you mentioned something about meeting a Shadowborn at some point?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, his name was Jerry, and he didn’t have any discernible features, so if you were…

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

So you’d fit right in!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is no time for jokes!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

I’m just try to lighten the mood here! We’re all going to be Shadowborn!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we’re not going to have a face!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Augh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I like my face and I’d like to keep it please.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. Could we keep our faces?

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Oh yes. Yes, you may keep your faces. They may be slightly rearranged or in a different place, but you’ll get to keep them. We can mark that down, yes, that’s possible.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(groans)

Oh boy…

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

So if you’ll just step out…

SEAN

And he opens a smaller door that’s sort of older, and you hear the sound of machinery in the other room, and the scent of antiseptic. And he steps through it and pushes his way through as the branches—

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

(straining)

Oh, sorry, it gets stuck—

SEAN

—and pops into the next room.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Oh God.

MIKE

I close the door behind him.

SEAN

Eggerton, you catch sight of basically a spherical, perfectly clean room. And there is a tube with like a sheet across the front of it, but you hear the whirring of blades and you hear some screaming, and then there’s an empty opening into the void as you close the door.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, team, I don’t really want to get upgraded like this. So let’s figure out a way to get back to the tree.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, I’m going to cast Guidance to commune with Loxsyn.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You could have done that this whole time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, if anyone had ever let me get a word in edgewise, I would have!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, maybe if you and Blat figured out this will-they, won’t-they thing, we all would have had time to figure something out, like how to eat! How to get home! I don’t know, how to avoid being here. But no. We all got—

(stops himself)

You know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is a surprising part of you, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s been a long couple of weeks.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It has.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And I feel that I need to just sit in a kitchen and I need to bake.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And be alone with myself for a bit.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why don’t you have another sugar plum.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sighs)

The sugar plums…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They’re not as good as fairy cakes, I know.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s no love in them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But there’s a lot of sugar.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There is sugar. Okay. I’ll take a—I’ll eat the sugar plum.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Now just, everyone, I need quiet to be able to commune with Loxsyn. I’m hoping she can get us out of here.

SEAN

You hear the whirring of blades and screaming, and there’s a knocking at the door.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Hello? You have to come out at some point!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, we’ll be right there! We’re just—we’re giving thanks to Celene for all of the whirringness that she provides.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Remember, it’s your new selves that are going to be born!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just practicing our screams. We want them to be—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aaaaaa!

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Aaaaaaa!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Or should I go, “Oohhhhh”?

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

Oh, that’s good, that’s good.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s a good one? “Ohhhhh…”

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Very good. Just let me know when you’re done.

MARISA

So can I commune with Loxsyn?

SEAN

Okay!

MARISA

Do you want me to read this to you?

SEAN

Yeah, how does it go?

MARISA

“The symbol of your deity appears before you and gestures towards the direction or course of action your deity would have you take, then disappears. The message is through gesture only.”

SEAN

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Everyone just be quiet and make sure no one comes through that door.

MARISA

So I sit down on the ground cross-legged and I put my hand around my amulet, and I close my eyes. And I think very clearly about Loxsyn. And I ask in my head,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Loxsyn, please help us. We don’t know what to do. We don’t know how to get out of here. Please show me a sign. Anything that will help us.

Chimes and soft strings. Loxsyn’s theme plays on a flute.

SEAN

So all of a sudden, a warm light fills the room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(softly)

Oooo.

SEAN

And a form begins to appear in the air on the far side of the room, and it is a form you have seen before, Darcy. It is Loxsyn with the flowing hair and the robes, somewhat see-through in this very warm, almost blinding light as she takes form in the room. She moves forward and touches your arm, Darcy, and you feel a sudden surge through your body, of just energy and warmth and comfort.

And then the head turns and the contact breaks, and she starts moving towards the rest of you. And she stops in front of Blat, and reaches up and places a hand on his cheek, and a hand on his other cheek, and pulls him forward and kisses him on the forehead.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(witless chuckling)

SEAN

And she’s gone.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh no.

Laughter.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we have to limbo jump.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

No! No we are not—ughhh! No!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But it’s either that or I kiss him on the forehead and I don’t think that’s going to make any difference!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sings weakly)

Thirty-three bottles of mead on the wall, thirty-three bottles of mead…

I just want to go home…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think that’s the only thing it could mean! Unless Blat can fly us all out of here, which I don’t think he can, we’ve got to limbo jump!

A knocking at the door.

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

How’s it going in there? Are you almost ready?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(fake screaming)

Aaaa! I don’t think I have the right pitch yet!

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Okay, well, we’re almost empty on the chamber! Ready for the next one!

CARTER

Blat kicks the doorknob off of the door.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, there’s something wrong with the door!

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

What?

SEAN

The door jiggles.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, no, very broken, we’ll have to fix it on our end!

SEAN (AS THE TREE)

Oh okay, well, hurry up!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right! I’ll try to find some tools.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat. If you think hard enough, can you control where we leap?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I thought I could, but let me see… how have your last two weeks been?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Terrible! But I don’t want my face down where my foot is!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, and neither do I. Which is why I’m going to do this.

You three, stay in this room.

MARISA

(gasps)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m going to go talk to Celene.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh… I didn’t see that coming.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And for once, it’s going to be something that I do on my own.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right.

SEAN

We cut to Blat coming back into the room. And how do you look, Blat?

CARTER

Blat has pants on. A nice crisp white shirt and a tie.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. It’s been decided. Celene is going to beam you back to the tree.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

That’s great!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Good news!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Great.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There’s only one problem.

With my limbo abilities, I told Celene that she’d be able to go to any point in the multiverse, and set up any little worshiping tree that she might want. The only way she can do that is through me.

So you three go off, tell everyone I’m sorry… but I’m going to be sticking around here for a while.

JULIAN (AS MAGNUS)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No!

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role‐playing game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with Carter Siddall as Blat, Michael Howie as Eggerton, Marisa King as Darcy, and special guest Julian Sark as Magnus.

Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.

Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer.

Game consultant: Stephen Smith.

Join our Patreon for weekly bonus material, access to our Discord server, and lots more. You’ll find it all at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE

MARISA

Can I just stop for a minute?

SEAN

(laughing hysterically)

Look at all these bullet points of stuff we were going to do!

MARISA

Is there anything that he rolls that we ever get out?!

SEAN

Good luck, Eli! Okay, let’s go back!

Laughter.