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16: The Moon Mission

Blat reluctantly embarks on his mission to convert the people of the world to the worship of Celene, goddess of the moon.

Blat reluctantly embarks on his mission to convert the people of the world to the worship of Celene, goddess of the moon.

Download MP3 (81 MB)

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie
Dialogue Editing: Michael Howie
Transcription: Marisa King
Story Consultant: Laura Packer
Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
Sound Design and Music: Eli McIlveen

Content Warning: Colonialism, religious conversion, panic and screaming, nudity, drunkenness, war, urban sprawl and sad animals.

LAST TIME…

Fast‐paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Darcy, you’re back! Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi Snegal!

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Wait. Where’s Blat?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(drunk)

Moira!! You came to the party!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I’m really sorry, everyone, to do this during Winter Festival. But we are at war. The Shattering has moved against us, as has my sister.

SEAN (AS GREG)

Moira is building another bomb.

MAGGIE (AS ANANKA)

What?

SEAN

Pair after pair of giant knights in full plate mail march into the room until fifty of them line the walls.

SEAN (AS GREG)

The Nexus was planning, to eliminate the Shattering forever. And she swore me to silence.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat’s just gone, Snegal, he’s never coming back. He’s become the Moon Goddess’s concubine or something like that, and you’re never gonna see him again.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

As you can see on this map here we have 47 different locations for prospective Goddess of the Moon Temples—

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(booming)

I want Oracle Idris. Show me a plan that gives me Oracle Idris, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Absolutely! I’ll get these pesky first 47 out of the way, and then we’ll circle on back to… the one thing that I did as a free demon. Okay! Good meeting.

DOOR TO DOOR

SEAN

Blat pulls the sheet tighter around him as he steps out into streets that are gold. And more than one glance is directed his way as the people here are dressed to the nines, everything accentuated in special jewellery and stunning footwear.

And he approaches an ornate door that reads with a small plaque: “The Fashionistas”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh well, I thought this was a nice looking bedsheet but… whatever.

CARTER

Blat knocks upon the door.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Coming!

The door opens.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah, yes. Uh… hello. Why… aren’t you well put together. I bid you news from the south!

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

(gasps)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, very exciting. I was wondering if perhaps…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

(in awe)

Oh! Your outfit.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uhhh… yes… my outfit.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

I’ve never seen anything… like it!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes. It’s… quite simplistic, but it keeps me, uh, very cold.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

It is a statement against our very modern sensibilities of fashion!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uhh…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Its very simplicity!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I suppose so.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Now, I might suggest some type of footwear to go with it and perhaps a simple earring. But no, no, I see. You stand even against that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well no… if you had some shoes that I could wear it would be…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Oh come in, come in! Welcome to our humble church.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh, that’s…

SEAN

You step in and there is just mosaics and colour and everything. There are cloaks hanging from every beam.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, it’s not actually so simple. This is actually quite a… uh… lovely building that you have here.

So are you willing to give it all up?

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

(gasps)

Are you here to walk?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The… runway?

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… noooo. What I’m actually here for…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

But you must! Come. Enrico! Enrico… you must see this!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(protesting)

No, No… Enrico… I…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

It is like nothing I have ever seen!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no… I’m not actually… no… see what I’m trying to do my good man is to try to talk you out of whatever you folks worship in order to get down with the Goddess of the Moon!

So those shoes… am I getting those now or do I have to wait a little bit?

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy roleplaying game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie.

Episode 16: The Moon Mission.

THE FASHIONISTAS

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Come, get ready! We’ll get you in makeup…

(gasps)

No… makeup is too much! I get it! It is brilliant!

Come to the back. Meet the girls.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I was hoping for some shoes. My feet are quite uncomfortable. Oh… hello ladies! So, who here likes the moon?!

SEAN (AS MODEL)

(giggling)

Oh… hee hee hee… I like the moon!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Allllriiight… how would you like to worship the moon instead of, umm… fashion?

SEAN (AS MODEL)

(suggestively)

I’ll worship you, baby, sometime.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(nervous laughter)

Alllriiighht. Oh… you don’t appear to be worshipping clothing at all at the moment. I’m terribly sorry. I shall avert my gaze. I… I…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Martha! Get in a dress. Get in your dress! Please. Oh my… I’m so proud to have you here. Oh, we must have a name for your outfit, to put it on the program.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, well… this is actually just a bedsheet so… uh, do you folks not have bed sheets in this village?

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Of course! Made of the thousand finest silks.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well… this is definitely material of some sort—

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Woven by the silk spiders themselves!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Umm… well, it actually looks like some sort of large animal vomited this one up but, it is a bedsheet. Anyway! So, back to the moon.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Ahhh. Bedsheet. Brilliant. Our very dreams brought to their basest reality.

A pause.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure! Like that.

So, uh… what also happens in your dreams, is that you dream at night, and at night the moon comes out! The moon is really what you folks should be worshipping.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Ahhh… yes, yes! Enrico! Prepare a single blue light as if the moon glinted off the fresh fallen snow!

That is what you will walk out in the runway in.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… snow?

(pause)

Oh… the blue light! I’m sorry… I… uh…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

No… we will put snow! Enrico, prepare a field of snow on the runway for… I’m sorry, I did not get your name.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uhh… my name is Blat. Pleased to meet you.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

…for Blat’s entrance.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Umm, again… I’m not sure that I have the time. I’ve got a lot of places I need to see. I’m on a work-related business trip, you see.

Bowie-esque disco music blares, and a crowd cheers.

SEAN

Cut to evening. The place is full of shouts and people screaming and yelling and… cameras going off? I don’t know. All kinds of strobes and flashes… and we are backstage.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Ahh… there you are Blat. Perfection. Are you ready for your moment?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uhh… I suppose. I’ve never done this sort of thing before. I was just hoping to talk to whatever priest or minister administers to this place.

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

You will be speaking to the flock as you step out with your statement.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well, that’s good! That’s very good. Get everybody at once. All right, let’s get to this. I just didn’t expect there to be so much strobe lighting and large music…

SEAN (AS FASHIONISTA)

Wait! There it is. The hoot of the owl. The blue light, the fresh fallen snow.

The runway is yours.

Silence.

SEAN (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #1)

(whispering)

What’s happening? I don’t know what’s happening. What’s happening?

MARISA (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #2)

(whispering)

I don’t know. I really don’t know what’s happening.

MIKE (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #3)

(whispering)

Why’s this so weird?

SEAN (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #1)

(whispering)

It must be… I’ve never… it must be something special.

MIKE (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #3)

(whispering)

It’s so strange.

MARISA (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #2)

So strange.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Helloooo! Fashionistas!

SEAN (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #1)

What is he wearing?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This… is what I sleep on!

I’ve wrapped it around my body simply.

MARISA (AS OLD FASHIONISTA)

Heathen!

MIKE (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #3)

(whispering)

I don’t get it.

SEAN (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #1)

What. It’s just a bedsheet.

MARISA (AS OLD FASHIONISTA)

Sacrilege!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. I was hoping perhaps to convince you fine, well-dressed people if instead of worshipping… clothing, I guess? That’s a little odd. Anyway… instead, worshipping… Celene!

SEAN (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #1)

What do you take us for?! It’s a sheet!

MARISA (AS OLD FASHIONISTA)

Burn the sheet!

MIKE (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #3)

Take it off!

SEAN (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #1)

Burn the demon!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No… no… alright. There’s no need to burn the demon. Who likes the moon? Show of hands? You?

SEAN (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #1)

Get him!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(unintelligible screaming)

OH NO! Oh my Lord in Heaven!

MIKE (AS AUDIENCE MEMBER #3)

I’ve got a pitchfork!

BRENDA’S COTTAGE

MARISA

Blat stands in front of a door of a homey looking cottage, with some really delectable smells coming out of it. It’s a sweet-looking cottage with shutters and a very homey feel to it.

And he knocks on the door and a middle-aged woman bustles over, opens it and welcomes him in.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

(midwestern US accent)

Well, hello there! Welcome to Brenda’s kitchen. Oh my goodness! Another visitor here to feed his stomach and his soul? Come on in. Come on in.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… I’m sorry. Are you… are you Brenda?

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh, I am Brenda, indeed. Who might you be?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’m sorry. I just thought this was a house of worship. Uh… my name is Blat.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh, it is a house of worship.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Oh good.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh, it’s true. It’s where many people come to worship my soup and my biscuits and…

(modest chuckle)

Well, me, actually. Good old Brenda.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So you’re the chief religious figure of this area, and you make bread and soups.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh honey, you put it in such a high-falutin’ way. We just like to think of it as I’m the heart and soul of my people around here.

Come, come, sit down. I’m gonna make you some soup. Here we go. Here we go. Let me just ladle this into a bowl for you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So you don’t have any strong opinions about clothing, do you?

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh no! In fact what you’re wearing, it looks like you’ve been through the wringer! It’s all ripped up and torn and dirty. I wonder what happened to you!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I was attacked by supermodels.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But anyway, um… that’s fine. Um, Brenda, how do you feel about the moon?

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh, I don’t give the moon much thought there at all.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhh, but what if I were to tell you that the moon thinks a lot about you?

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

(gasps)

Does it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And perhaps the moon thinks you’re spending far too much time making soup and biscuits instead of thinking about the moon.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Well now, I don’t know if you’d think that after you sip some of this soup and have one of my biscuits!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Biscuits?

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh yummy, yummy, yummy!

(over Blat’s objections)

Put that… nope, put that in your mouth. Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth. In your mouth. In your…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(muffled eating sounds)

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

There we go!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, that IS tasty.

Sean bursts into song, matched by a heavenly choir.

SEAN (AS HEAVENLY CHOIR)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh… AHHHHHHHH!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Does this happen every time?

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

And now you have communed with Brenda.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhhh.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Welcome.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Welcome. So… uh… what can I help you with Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’m here to politely inform you that everything that you believe is wrong and that instead you should be worshipping Celene, the Goddess of the Moon. Now I have some paperwork here…

SEAN (AS CAULDRON)

(low, dangerous rumbling)

Garngle garngle garn gurn garn.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh, dear, sorry. That was the cauldron in the back. That’s where all the soup comes from you see.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

For Brenda’s kitchen.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure… yes, that’s, uh, that’s fine. Well, you see, stowed away here in my torn and battered bedsheet, I just have a little bit of paperwork that you just need to fill out just stating that you… um… I’ll just have to fill this in.

(writing)

“I now forsake: SOUP AND BISCUITS…”

SEAN (AS CAULDRON)

(louder rumbling)

GARNGLE GURN GARN.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Oh my goodness! We would never forsake our soup and biscuits here. That’s the very foundation of our society!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, you don’t have to stop eating entirely. It’s just that you’ll be spending one day a week really, really thinking about how much the moon is important to you. So if I could just get you to forsake your religious beliefs, that’d be just great and I’ll be on my way.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Blat… is there something hurting your soul? Is there something deep inside that needs a soothing… apple pie?! Huh? Hmmm?

SEAN

(bell sound)

Ting!

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Here you go. Oh, it’s warmed up just for you, just to the temperature you like… boiling hot.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

How did you know… OW… it hurts to touch it. That is just how I like it. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh… this is…

The choir hits an even bigger crescendo than before.

SEAN (AS HEAVENLY CHOIR)

(sings)

Ahhhhhhhh…. AHHHHHHH… AHHHHHHHH!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There that goes again.

Yes, I can see that this is a very strong religion, but um…

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

It goes down piping ‚hot doesn’t it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It does! It’s burning my tongue… which I always enjoy.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Right down to the depths of your soul, doesn’t it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(with burnt tongue)

It does indeed.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Giving you the sort of sustenance you need to carry you through life. And to give you the belief you need to move forward and push onwards and leave Brenda’s kitchen feeling like you could take on the whole world!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So is that gonna be a maybe?

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

OK, so bye-bye now.

(over Blat’s protests)

Thanks for coming. Here you are. Take care now. Say bye, cauldron!

SEAN (AS CAULDRON)

Gurngle gurn bye.

MARISA (AS BRENDA)

Say bye, Heavenly Speakers!

SEAN AND MARISA (AS HEAVENLY CHOIR)

Ahhhhhh…. AHHHHHHHH!!!

MARISA

And the door slams shut behind him.

CARTER

Blat sees on the side of the building some paint, just in a small can. Blat dips the paintbrush into the paint, draws a half moon on the door…

SEAN

(imitates thunderclap)

CARTER

…and then scurries off.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There. Good enough!

DOOMSDAY

MICHAEL

Blat walks up to, you know, a pretty standard looking bureaucratic type building with steel doors, and it just says in small letters, “DDI”, on a brass plaque.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

DDI… DD… nope. I don’t know what this one could be although it does look very professional!

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Uh, uh… hello?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah yes. Helloooo my good man! How do you feel about the moon?

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

(terrified)

Uh… well… uh… is there something wrong with the moon?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Noooo… what’s wrong is your attitude towards it.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Th-th-there’s something wrong with the moon?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no… everything’s… no… everything’s fine with the moon and the moon is good and the moon loves you.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

What? Th-that’s new. That’s… that’s… oh… is this it? This is… this is the sign? You better come inside. Come inside.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, well, thank you very much.

MICHAEL

Heavy door slams shut. And a bar goes across it. Fshoosh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well…

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

Brother, is this the sign?

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

This might… this might be it. Hold on.

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

I will prepare.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Okay, you… you… you get ready. Ahhhh… what… what was your name?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… my name is Blat. And I’m here to talk to you about Celene, the Goddess of the Moon.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

The Goddess… Oh! Oh no, this must be it! It’s here! It’s… OH MY GOD, IT’S HERE! IT’S FINALLY… IT’S THE DOOMSDAY!

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

I’m not ready!

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

IT’S HAPPENING!

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

I’M NOT READY!

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

WE DON’T HAVE TIME!

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

I’M NOT REAAADDDY!

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

WE HAVE TO GET READY TO GO! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

Widespread panic, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

IT’S NOT DOOMSDAY! IT’S NOT DOOMSDAY! EVERYBODY STOP SCREAMING! Every… it’s… I have it on good authority that the world is not going to end for thousands of years.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

WE ONLY HAVE THOUSANDS OF YEARS LEFT! EVERYBODY PANIC!

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

(calming down)

Actually… that… that seems like a lot of time.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

(calming down)

Well, wait… is that a Gregorian thousand or a metric thousand?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’ll be dead. Why does it matter?

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

OH MY GOD!

Further weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

I’M NOT READY TO DIE!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No. NO! NO! NO! Your world’s not going to end IF… you worship the moon.

MARISA (AS JANINE)

I was kind of hoping for a Doomsday.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You… You’re hoping for a Doomsday?

MARISA (AS JANINE)

Well, I’ve been working very hard towards it.

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

I’ve been practising my scream a really long time.

MARISA (AS JANINE)

I’ve been storing a lot of food for it.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Yeah, we’re the Doomsday Iffians. We just, you know, we’re always ready for the Doomsday.

MARISA (AS JANINE)

Yeahhhh….

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You worship the Apocalypse?

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Well, we worship the coming of the Apocalypse, specifically. Some of us and some sects are more about the Apocalypse itself. Like Janine over here. But you know, traditionalists like me… we’re more into if it’s gonna happen today or if it’s gonna happen tomorrow. I mean, that’s where the name comes from. So you know…

MARISA (AS JANINE)

He’s really into the anticipation…

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS JANINE)

That’s where the pleasure comes from.

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

The if. The if is the important part.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Getting right up to the edge…

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

You know… this seems like this is a false alarm. I’m gonna go back to the guard.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Okay, okay… well hey, look—what was your name?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

My name’s Blat.

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

Blat? Okay, well look thanks for stopping by. And, you know what? Come again tomorrow. This was a lot of fun…

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

Come again!

(laughs)

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

(laughing along)

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

(laughing)

Like the Apocalypse would come more than once!

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

That’s funny. Wait, could it… could there be more than one Apo… oh… OH!

MARISA (AS JANINE)

Well… if some of us survived the first one then absolutely there could be another…

MICHAEL (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #1)

(hyperventilating)

OH! OH! OH! OH MY GOD!

SEAN (AS DOOMSDAY IFFIAN #2)

He’s hyperventilating!

Mass hysteria ensues.

THE EYE OF RUBIX

SEAN

Blat approaches a rather strange building that appears to be designed as a giant circle. Just a cylinder resting on its side and there is a circular door in the centre of it about 30 feet up, and a little wobbly staircase leading up to that circle in the centre.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They already worship something circular; my job’s half done. Unless they worship pleather cheese or something…

(gasps)

Which rumour has it the moon is made out of! Ah, this is going to be so easy.

He knocks on the door.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hellooo? Hello! Your saviour has come.

SEAN

The eye opens!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Um… hello!

SEAN

Shifts…

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

(deep, booming voice)

Can you step back so I can see you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, um… certainly. Um… helloooo… I’m just uh…

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

The Eye of Rubix sees you!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Great!

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

All of you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All of me? Oh, I’m sorry… the sheet rode up.

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

The things you’ve done.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Huh?

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

THE EYE OF RUBIX JUDGES YOU… wanting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, that’s a bit rude. I just came here to tell you about how your religion is wrong.

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

Oh, is it? And you believe so fully in the revisions that you bring?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I wouldn’t say I believe…

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

AT ALL! In any of it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… no… not at all. No, I don’t believe in any of this.

I am here for love! And love only. It’s a long story. Anyway, how do you feel about the moon?

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

She is a conniving old witch.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh, absolutely. You nailed that on the head.

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

Ohhhh… the things she’s tried.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh… so much touching.

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

Oh, the luring.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh… the leering.

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

Oh, the tight clothing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, the see-through clothing.

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

Oh, the lack of clothing!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhhh… I wasn’t allowed to wear a thing.

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

Stop showing me that!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh… not again. It rode up again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It got torn after the first establishment. So, ummm—

SEAN (AS THE EYE OF RUBIX)

Seek help, young friend.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I… I’d like to…

SEAN

And the eye closes.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What would help me is if someone would just once agree to change their religion.

THE SWAMP

MARISA

Blat finds himself wading through a bog. It’s very foggy around, he can’t see very far in front of him. But he then emerges upon a circle of people kneeling down in this swamp. They appear to just be staring down at the bubbling mass underneath them.

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

(chanting)

Woooaaaahhhh… woooaahhhh… woooaaaahhhh.

MIKE AND SEAN (AS ACOLYTES)

(chanting)

Woooahhhh…. wooooahhhh… wooooahhhh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(wading through mud)

Gahhh…. gahhhh…. gahh!

Sorry… it took me a while to get here. So many signs from the road but you have to walk through all this thick muck. So what are you folks about?

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

Welcome, welcome. You see, it’s the peat moss. It keeps us and rejuvenates us. And it feeds our spirits. Welcome, new worshipper.

SEAN (AS ACOLYTE)

(chanting)

Welcooooome.

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

What… how can we help you find what you seek?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You people worship peat moss?

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

We do, we do. We bathe in it each evening.

Woooahhh. Woooahhh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You know what is helping you see this peat moss? Up there in the sky! It’s the moon! So… if you can’t worship peat moss without the moon, doesn’t that make the moon greater than peat moss? And then doesn’t that mean… we should instead be worshipping the moon?

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

Yeah, sure… this is really just mud. Absolutely.

MIKE AND SEAN (AS ACOLYTES)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

Where do I sign?

MIKE AND SEAN (AS ACOLYTES)

Where do we sign? Where do we sign?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh well…

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

I’m filthy really.

MIKE AND SEAN (AS ACOLYTES)

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of this.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so I forsake peat moss. Why… why…

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

Yeah. Why didn’t you turn up like five years ago? Where have you been?

SEAN (AS ACOLYTE)

We’ve been waiting a long time.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m very sorry about this. And so… um… her name’s Celene and… uh… every so often look upwards I guess?

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

His name is Gronk so we’re much happier with Celene.

SEAN (AS ACOLYTE)

Yeah, that’s really good actually.

MIKE (AS ACOLYTE)

Celeeeene.

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

It’s almost, uh, musical.

SEAN (AS ACOLYTE)

Can we get our feet out of the water?

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

Yeah…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, absolutely…. no… head to the main road.

MARISA (AS PRIESTESS)

I think we’re getting the flu actually.

SEAN (AS ACOLYTE)

(sneezes)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(writing)

“Down with Gronk.” Ooookay… great! That’s finally a win!

TREVORS

MICHAEL

Blat approaches a house with peeling paint and a door that’s kind of hanging on the hinges a little bit. It’s worn, so it’s swinging open slightly too.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well apparently they’re not collecting funds from their parishioners.

CARTER

Blat knocks on the door, which then falls to the ground.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Oh Lord.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Hey, what’s up, bro?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, hello… “bro”. Ah. Just came to talk to your… um… head. Whoever’s—

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Oh, I’ve got a head. Ha ha.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m certain you do. Uh… I was wondering if I could talk to…

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

You wanna beer?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uhhh…

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Come on in, man. We’ve got a keg going.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… you have a keg going?

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Hey, look, you know, I’m Trevor. It’s nice to meet you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… hi Trevor. It’s 10 o’clock in the morning. You’re…

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Is it already? Hey Trevor! It’s time for your keg stand!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I…

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Hey dude… really?

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

I thought I just did it.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Broseph.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Ohhhh, Broseph!

(laughs)

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Come on, bro.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

OK… I’ll get it ready.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Alright, come on… come sit in here. Just wipe off this chesterfield here a little bit and you can sit there.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

Don’t you mean the Trevorfield?

Frat boy laughter from the Multi-Trevors.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Good one, Trevor.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

Thanks.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, I’ve noticed that you’re all named Trevor?

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Uhhh… yeah. We’re Trevorites.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re Trevorites?

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Yeah, this is our Trevor House.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

Surely you’re Trevor too.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Can you hold this funnel, dude?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure, I’ll hold the funnel…

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Okay, I’ll get your legs. What? Hold on. Hold on. We gotta get Trevor on his keg stand. Okay, ready?

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Hold on.

(psyching himself up)

Ready!

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Alright… up you go!

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

YAAHHHHHH!! Give me the funnel!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, here’s the funnel! Here’s the funnel!

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

(with funnel in mouth)

Pour the beer dude!

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Come on Trevor. OK, Trevor… grab a beer quick.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

Yeah, OK… I got it… I got it. Here we go. Here we go! Here we go!

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Aaaaand… ah… it’s the whole thing! Alright, there you go.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

AMAAAZING, Trevor.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Alright Bro. New Bro, New Bro… wait, wait, let’s get New Bro to do one. New Bro… come here, Bro.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh well… you see, Trevors… bro… I was actually hoping to talk to you about the moon.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

You mean Trevor’s butt?

Multi-Trevor frat laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, oh…

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Moon time!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That is… wicked.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

We’re always seein’ the moon.

More laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ha ha. Yes, I was referring to actually the one in the sky. Did you know that there’s a cool, new, totally “rad” religion around it?

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

What? Is it zesty flavoured?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Absolutely.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Awesome. Gnarly.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… gnarly to the max bro.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Wait, wait bro… we should check. Can you drink it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You know, I think if you figure out a way to get up there, there’ll be something to drink. But what I was hoping to get from you… browensteins is—

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Whoa.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

That’s not cool, bro.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Not cool at all.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Alright? Watch yourself.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Come on.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m… I’m sorry. Is that a slur? I’m just trying to fit in.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

You know what? Not knowing is not an excuse.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry…

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

‘Kay… Bro? Bro?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah?

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Bro? Hold me back, bro.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

I’m holding you back, bro.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Hold me back, bro.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

I’m holding you back in my head, bro.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Alright, bro, I think it’s time for you to… you know… make like a leaf.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And?

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Grow.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

Exit.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Leaf?

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Grow.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

What? What are you talking… Just go, man.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

Get out.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Oh… I thought it was “grow”.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

Get out.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Like you know… improve yourself.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Trevor, we’ve been over this.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Like grow and improve himself.

MARISA (AS TREVOR #3)

We want him to exit.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

No, this isn’t the time.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

He could use that.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

He could.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Yeah.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

But not here.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Alright. I gotcha, bro… I gotcha.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

We’ve got our own priorities.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Hold me back, bro!

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

I’m holding you back!

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

Yeah! You better get out of here like a leaf!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I… I’m not sure that means what you think it does. Alright, so… uh, that’s a maybe on the moon? Uh…

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Wait, wait, wait. Here’s a moon for you.

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

(frat boy scream)

YAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

MIKE AND MARISA (AS TREVOR #1 AND #2)

(hooting and hollering)

SEAN (AS TREVOR #2)

I totally didn’t see that comin’, bro.

MICHAEL (AS TREVOR #1)

Yeah, bro, that was real original, ‘cuz it just popped in my head. No one said it earlier or nothin’.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I used to like my life.

MIDROLL

Music sting.

ANNOUNCER

It’s the beginning of the middle of the End of Time and Other Bothers!

ELI

Hey, everyone, it’s Eli here, stepping out from behind the soundboard to bring you this week’s announcements. And first up, it’s just good to be back. Hi!

We’re now recording new episodes in our upstairs game rooms studio. And I’m back downstairs making all the noises and music for it, and having a blast to be honest. We are back on our every-two-weeks schedule. So look for new episodes every other Sunday. Or if you are a Patreon supporter of ours at the or greater level, you can hear them three days early. Learn how to do that at otherbothers.com. Just scroll down and look for the big button that says “Become a Patron”.

The other big news is we’re gonna be at PodCon in, good grief, just a few days. That’s in Seattle, Washington and it’s a festival of podcasting for creators and fans alike. And we’re gonna have a table there full of merch and Sean’s gonna be chattin’ with people about Patreon and how we use it. I’m there to answer any questions about writing or sound design or all those things. Just come up, say hi! It’s gonna be a really good time. We’re so looking forward to seeing you all there.

If, alas, you can’t make it, we are going to be posting highlights and photos and videos from our trip on our Instagram at instagram.com/alba_salix. You can find links to that on otherbothers.com as well.

That’s it for now; on with the rest of the midroll.

MIDROLL: WARMING UP

MICHAEL

Uh… so the weather’s kind of cold outside and that makes me want to go inside and warm up. What’s a way that you like to warm up inside audience?

SEAN

Cocoa.

MICHAEL

Cocoa… I heard cocoa.

MARISA

What’s happening?

SEAN

He’s getting offers.

CARTER

Clothing.

MICHAEL

Clothing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who likes clothes? Now, tell me, what kind of clothing do you like, sir?

CARTER

I like… warm clothing.

MICHAEL

Warm clothing. And what part of your body do you put it on first?

CARTER

First?

MICHAEL

First.

CARTER

Underpants.

MICHAEL

Underpants.

SEAN AND MIKE

Warm underpants. That’s our offer.

MICHAEL

Thanks very much and enjoy the show.

Sean knocks on a door.

SEAN

Michael!

MICHAEL

Yeah… yeah, come on in.

SEAN

Hey. Oh, hey… oh um yeah. OK… so I’ll just face this way. Uh sorry…. I didn’t realize you weren’t dressed yet.

MICHAEL

Well, no, I’m wearing this new bra…

SEAN

Yeah. So I’m just checking… uh…

MICHAEL

It’s got a heated underwire.

SEAN

Yeah, great. Um, is there anything you need or want? Uh… we’re up in 10. I’m just getting everything ready in the green room.

MICHAEL

Uh… well… what did Carter ask for this time?

SEAN

Water and something crunchy, salty, sweet and soft.

MICHAEL

Can I have the same thing?

SEAN

Yes.

MICHAEL

But 10% more.

SEAN

Yes, you can. Okay, here we go.

Marisa!

He knocks on the next door.

MARISA

Leave me alone.

SEAN

Okay, I’ll stay out here. Um… I just want to know if you want anything…

MARISA

I don’t want anything.

SEAN

Um, are you OK? Maybe eight minutes in the green room?

MARISA

Fifteen.

SEAN

Right, right. Fifteen. I’ll let everyone know fifteen.

Carter?

He knocks on another door.

CARTER

Yo!

SEAN

Uh… just… it’s gonna be 15 minutes.

CARTER

Do you have the soft, crunchy…

MARISA

THIRTY-FIVE!

SEAN

Thirty-five minutes. Is that OK with you Carter?

CARTER

Thirty… thirty-five minutes?

SEAN

Would you mind telling Michael that call time’s now in 35 minutes?

CARTER

Alright… uh…

SEAN

Okay, gotta go!

CARTER

Mike!

MICHAEL

What!?

CARTER

Stick your head out your window!

MICHAEL

I can’t… I’m doing yoga.

CARTER

Ohhhh… it’s gonna be 35 minutes!

MICHAEL

Yeah, it seems about how long it’ll take for this whole thing to go off the rails!

CARTER

Nah… I think it’s gone off the rails now.

MICHAEL

I feel like we started with something of a weak premise!

CARTER

Uh-huh?

MICHAEL

And then I tried to force it to go one way. And it really just bummed everybody out.

CARTER

Oh… so you did that thing that you’re not supposed to do in improv where you just sorta shove the joke into the premise.

MICHAEL

Yup… pretty much. I don’t think it worked.

CARTER

Sooooo… instead, you should just go with the flow and see what comes up naturally.

MICHAEL

No, no, I’m pretty sure that’s not what you do in improv.

CARTER

Okay.

MICHAEL

But you know what, I bet if people were to donate at patreon.com/albasalix we could get some books on improv.

CARTER

I see.

MICHAEL

I’m wearing a bra.

CARTER

Ahhhhhh.

SEAN

Scene!

SPRAWL

SEAN

Blat is standing in front of a strip mall that appears to go on forever in infinity, and no matter which direction he turns, the strip mall just continues.

There are honking cars. A car almost hits him every 30 seconds. There are strange crossing walks that change very rapidly and randomly, and people scream as cars zoom by.

And there is a figure standing there with a hooded robe and no face.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah, that’s rather interesting. No face. Ohhhh, perhaps these are the Shadowborn that I met earlier. I’ll have to steel myself but everything seems so advanced. This almost seems like stuff from my time. Ah, well… um… hellooo?

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

(distorted, as if over a speaker)

Hmmmm… who approaches?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah, ’tis I… Blat… uh… I’m here to talk to you about… um… ah..oh lord… religion. He-Hello?

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

Who approaches?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… Blat… I’m here to talk to you about religion. Helloo?

SEAN (AS THE VOICE)

(in exactly the same tone)

Who approaches?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Alright… so it’s an entire…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Sorry, hold on a second!

SEAN

This man steps out from behind:

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Our speaker system’s always breaking.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh good… I was wondering…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

I’ll just tinker with it while you… sorry… go ahead.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I’m here to speak to you about the moon.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Uh yeah… that’s great.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, the moon IS great. And I was wondering if perhaps you here in your little, um, strip mall would like to…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Little?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…base an entire religion around it!

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Did you say the word little?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well I…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

You referred to our mecca of sprawl with the word “little”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I was just trying to be humorous because it’s so large. It’s, um, actually one of the biggest things that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been on the moon!

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Oh. I expect you could… see us from the moon.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

If I had been looking in the right direction, yes.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Ohhh good.

(cackling)

Good. Yes! YES! YEESSS! It sounds much better through the speaker.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, it does. It does. I’ve actually, uh, developed a slight earache. Umm…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Have you considered opening a shop?

(gasp)

Or a strip mall yourself?

(gasp)

Or an expansion? Or a housing department that… faces your office? We can do it all. We can give you all the land you want.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, no, I’m not ready to open an outlet store just yet.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

WHAT?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Because I’m merely in front of you wearing a torn bedsheet!

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

We don’t have homeless people here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uhh…

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

(frantic)

Excuse me. Excuse me, oh Grand Sprawler!

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Ah yes.

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

Oh Grand Sprawler…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Yes.

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

I must tell you something that is very, very unhappy.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Ohh…

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

There is a small patch of forest and bunnies. Yea, yonder.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Where?!

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

I know Grand Sprawler. I do not want to be the one to bring you this news but the bunny and the trees…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

NO! NO!

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

They frighten me…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

NO!

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

Please do something.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

We will… we will gather the Council at once. I’m sorry friend. We have a despicable thing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You know what you should build there… a temple that worships Celene, the Goddess of the Moon.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Actually, we do have some real estate available if you are interested.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ahhhhh, you see so…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

We offer you a great tax break.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I have, um, zero dollars. Does that work for you at all?

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

A hundred percent. We have 100% tax break as long as you build something immediately.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, build something immediately…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Can you build it over a patch of forest land?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sure we could. Because really what’s the most important thing is that it faces the moon.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Yes. And no more bunnies.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, I should… uh…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Or trees.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

… think not. So why don’t I just reserve this space. I’ll just… uh… here. I’ll just write on this piece of paper “reserved for Moon” and in the bottom corner…

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

When can you start construction?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…I’m just gonna draw a bunny with a line through it.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Perfect.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And, uh, I’ll just say…

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

Wait, Grand Sprawler. Do we not need to do the meeting for the citizens to notify them of the development?

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Yes, we will do it after.

(starts cackling)

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

(cackling)

Oh, I am sorry. I just enjoy that joke so much.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Oh, you scared me for a second.

MARISA (AS URBAN TOADIE)

Yes, I am just being silly. Ho. Continue.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, how about if I just put um… how about this… will they buy this… coming… next… month.

SEAN (AS GRAND SPRAWLER)

Perfect.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Excellent.

SEAN AND MARISA (AS GRAND SPRAWLER AND TOADIE)

(diabolical cackling)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Finally, a civilization I understand.

UNICORNIA

MARISA

Blat finds himself in quite a beautiful place. There’s an emerald green meadow, there are rainbows in the sky, there are flowers everywhere, and all around him he sees these beautiful white horses. In fact, they’re unicorns with rainbow manes and horns and they are prancing together and frolicking.

MARISA AND MIKE (AS UNICORNS)

(neighing delightedly)

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Welcome, welcome to the United Church of Unicornia! Oh-ho-ho-ho…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh hello… uh… I didn’t realize that there was a, uh, established religion for hornèd horses. Uh… I was wondering if perhaps I could talk you fine folks into giving up everything you ever knew and, uh, perhaps worshipping the moon.

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

(neighing)

Oh welcome, fellow hornèd one. Welcome to our lovely place. What is this moon you speak of?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, it’s the, uh, big circular thing in the sky that comes out at night.

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Oh, oh-ho-ho-ho, we are so busy looking at our own reflections in the pond we don’t often look up to the sky.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I see…

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Oh-ho-ho-ho. Now, do you happen to have a little girl with you? They are our favourite, they worship us so.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I see…

Uh, no it’s just me, uh…

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

(neighs with disappointment)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

A seventy-something demon in a torn bedsheet.

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Oh well, we accept all comers. Come, come… come to our circle of Fun and Frolic.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, fun and frolic? Well you see I don’t quite have time for either fun or frolic. I have a lot of places I need to get to on this trip. Uh, how would you feel about worshipping a very mean woman named Celene?

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Ohhhhh, ohhhhh noooo, nooooo… a mean woman does not sound like what we want at all…

(neighs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But aren’t mean women just little girls who like unicorns all grown up?

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

(gasps)

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

(gasps)

MIKE (AS SPRINKLES)

(gasps)

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Ohhhhhh… they grow up? This is frightful!

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

I’ve never heard of them growing up, Sister.

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

No, no, this is terrible.

MARISA AND MIKE (AS UNICORNS)

(worried neighs)

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

Is that where they go when they leave us?

MIKE (AS SPRINKLES)

(gasps)

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

I can’t believe it.

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

…why they don’t… come back?

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

No! And then maybe they turn into… what HE is.

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

(gasps)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I’m, I’m not a little girl…

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

You are not?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I’m a…

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

A grown-up little girl?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I’m… that would be a woman and that’s different from what I am… I’m actually a half-demon male… um…

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Ohhhhh, this is all very unsettling. Oh no…

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

I don’t feel like frolicking, sister!

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

Yes, I know, and that is the worst of all. I think I need to go and cry some unicorn tears.

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

Oh, my horn is drooping!

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

No!

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

My colour… my rainbow!

MIKE (AS SPRINKLES)

(gasps)

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

You must leave here quickly! Quickly, before you dissolve everything that we believe in!

SEAN (AS CUPCAKE)

I’m melting!

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

(weeps unicorn tears)

MIKE (AS SPRINKLES)

Sister Unicorn… I’m disappearing…

A shimmering sound as Sprinkles vanishes.

MARISA (AS SPARKLES)

No! Nooo! Ohhhh-ho-ho-ho.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh… I’ve done a terrible thing.

GLORY

MICHAEL

Blat walks up to a shack on a beach with a long dock stretching out into the ocean where a large wooden ship rests.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hellooo? A… ahoy?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Yaarrrr… a new recruit has joined us on the quest to find the Golden Gates.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

How did I know you were going to talk like that?

Hello, my name is Blat. I am a representative of Celene, Goddess of the Moon.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Aye! We will sometimes steer the ship by the light of the moon when we must sneak up to get closer to the treasure.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah yes, well… that would mean that the moon is very important to you, isn’t it?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Aye, the moon has been a friend to me and the others on the crew.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Soo… perhaps then the moon would be perhaps the most important thing ever to you?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

The most important thing ever to me after my rum and my freedom is gold. And that’s why we’re seeking the glory of the Golden Gates.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But you haven’t found the Golden Gate yet, have you?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Well, not per se. We found plenty of gold and we found some gates and, well, I found a bit of glory but… no, we haven’t exactly found the Gates of the Golden Glory. No.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, how do you know that the Golden Gate isn’t on the moon?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

How per se would we get our ship up to the moon?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ahhh… well that very question will be answered by the representatives from your new religion… Celene, Goddess of the Moon!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Isn’t that you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Dammit. Ahhhh, yes, that would be me.

At the gaming table, something gets knocked to the floor with a loud clank.

SEAN

(laughing)

Do that again.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Yaarrr, I dropped my scabbard down these here stairs.

SEAN (AS PIRATE LIEUTENANT)

I got it, Captain. There you go.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

T’ank you there, Lieutenant. I’ve got my eye on you. Just next time, be more careful when we’re doing something inappropriate and difficult to edit out.

SEAN (AS PIRATE LIEUTENANT)

I’ve got a firm grip on your scabbard, Captain.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

This one’s gone a bit off the rails, savvy?

SEAN (AS PIRATE LIEUTENANT)

Aye, Captain!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So you two seem to have a whole lot going on.

SUN VS MOON

SEAN

Blat approaches an abandoned building. And there is a door. He looks up from a map that he’s been following and on the door carved into the glass are the words “Enter”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhhh…

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Ohhhhh…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hello?

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Hello!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eh… Hello?

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Hello!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Are… are you the representative of your religion?

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Are you the representative of your reli…

What are you doing here?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… I’m the representative of my religion. I was hoping to speak to the representative of whatever this place might be.

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

No, I’m here for the representative of whoever this might be. I am the Solarites. Who might you be?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I represent Celene, Goddess of the Moon…

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Ohhhh… no you don’t. Excuse me! Excuse me. Whoever’s in there!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, excuse me, whoever’s in there. No, excuse me!

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Hello! The sun has come to pay you a visit!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And the sun always sets. I’m here for the Moon!

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Oh no, the sun burns brightest!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The moon helps you see in the dark! Helloooo! Come on out… whoever this might be.

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

The sun has a lovely smiley face.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The sun will burn you. Come on out… speak to the Moonite. Hellooo?

He knocks again. We cut to the other side of the door.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

I… sir… I think it’s the sun is here. We can’t let it come in. We will burn up.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Yessss, all of these years we protected ourselves from the sun and now it has come to our door.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

What do we doooo?

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Perhaps… perhaps, dear friend, we set the moon, our long friend, against the sun.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Yessss… but we can’t go out there. It is… the sun is there.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

The sun is there.

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Hey you! Lunartic!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hey… well, that’s offensive… what?!

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Hey, hey, what do you have on your list here? I have this as the Teacup Party of Nomentia.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’ve… alright, I’m gonna be honest with you… I’ve lost track. I’ve spoken to sooo many different groups in the last few days. Did you, uh, did you speak to unicorns at all?

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Oh yeah, the unicorns… they loved me.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, I wouldn’t go back there if I were you…

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

So much sun. No, I’m just worried because the only one I can’t run into is the, uh, Vampires Aren’t So Bad Cult because you know, they wouldn’t much care for the sun if you know what I mean. Ha ha ha ha…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I…

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

That would be a real gaffe on my part.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…see… yeah, that would be quite the mistake. Uh, just a moment will you.

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Thank you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Helloooo! Hellooo!

Blat goes back to knocking. We cut back to the vampires inside.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

What do we do?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Does anyone there have any interest in garlic? Helloooo?

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

I don’t know, brother.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

It’s time.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Is it time to rise up?

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

It is.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Then let us riiiiiise.

SEAN

You hear thunder as dark clouds start to spread out from the top of the building.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh…

SEAN

… covering up the sun.

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Oh, it-it’s the vampires… it’s definitely the vampires. Oh, dear.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Vam-vampires?

SEAN

And the door unlocks.

(kachunk)

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Come in.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Come in.

MARISA (AS SOLARITE)

Well, they’re all yours! Nice to meet you. So long, bye-bye, OK, see you later! Off to Brenda’s Kitchen.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, wait, where are you going?

(groans)

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

He’s red—like blood.

SEAN

Cut to: having tea in the parlour.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

You know, I just always feel so misunderstood.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Oh yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Let me tell you, being raised a half demonic even in the far flung future was a bit difficult for me but uh… it gets better.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

More tea?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, I had a friend in school who was a vampire and let me tell you in the future time vampires are treated like any other individual.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

That’s good to hear.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

He had to get a special permission slip to get out of gym class outside but other than that he was treated like anyone else.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

But how long do we have to wait for this change?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, here’s the great thing—

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

I feel like I have a tear forming… but I have no ducts brother.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

(gasps)

So poetically tragic.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Ohhhhh…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

From what I understand from you, folks you could live for eternity so you gentlemen might actually make it.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Yes.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Exactly what I needed. Warmth in my heart and a feeling of love.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Wait. Would you like a blood bag?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, a blood bag… great… I’ll uh…

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Oh, is that one of the O‑negative vintage?

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Oh, it is brother, it is.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Oh, you’re in for a treat, friend.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh-hah… thank you very much.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

I bled that one myself.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh…

Ummm…

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

From Harry…

Our brother.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Yes, he was very annoying and into all these different religions.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhh…

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

What can we do for you, brother?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I was hoping I could paint a picture of the moon on your door! Something that would just identify you as vampires.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Well, I think it’s, it’s time. The neighbourhood’s been gentrifying, and it would be nice to add some unique character to our here warehouse.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Yes. Yes, we were talking about hiring an artist. Yes, that would be lovely.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, wonderful. Well, if I could just borrow some, uh, paint. Any colour, doesn’t mind, I’ll get to work on that.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Black.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Of course it would be black. Certainly. Uh, and if anyone asks, I came from my boss, Celene, to do this and you all really, really like Celene.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Is that Celene at the art supply store?

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Oh, she looks delicious.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

She does.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Ahhh…

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

She clipped her nails too short one day and I got a look at a droplet of blood. Right there in public… I could barely contain myself.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

(sighing)

How were you out, Brother?

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Well, it was the midnight sale, of course.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Ho ho… the best day ever.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Of course I…

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Sorry… yes sir… did you need anything else?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, that’s, uh, good. Uh… that was totally the Celene that I was talking about. So uh, I’ll just paint this on your door and be on my way.

Are you sure you gentlemen don’t need the blood bag? I just feel like you guys could use this more than I can.

MIKE (AS VAMPIRE #2)

Well, I’ve been trying to get my midnight beach body ready. I’m off to do cardio.

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

I’ll take the O‑minus.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you. I’ll get to work on your door and, uh, rest assured I won’t be…

SEAN (AS VAMPIRE #1)

Let us know if you need any help… a nip of help.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No… no nips needed! That’s just fine. It’s just a half circle on a door. I think I can handle it.

(groans)

BATTLEFIELD

Dark mood music with military drums.

SEAN

The sounds of war ring out. Cries. Screams. The marching of many feet, as we crest the trees and see a horrific battle of thousands.

And upon a small hill at one end is a tent. And inside that tent we find Eggerton and Darcy, standing dutifully in front of Moira, who is overlooking a map on a table.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(sighing)

I mean, you, you said I was gonna be a general… and I feel like yeah, I’m up here on the hill but my hat’s not very big.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I never said you were going to be a General, Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’m pretty sure someone said General Eggerton at some point, unless they were saying “general, comma Eggerton”…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Darcy, please make him stop.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(hungover and weak)

Don’t… don’t talk so loudly.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But I mean I don’t feel that was really explained all that well and…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Please, please keep your voice down Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Fine, I’ll do my very best for you Darcy. But you know, I think this should go as a lesson about how much brandy you should be… I just really think you need to make better decisions.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(talking over Eggerton)

We are here. The main force is over here. Darcy! Pay attention, please.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s so hard with him rambling.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I understand.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I mean, I tried giving you peppermint tea, but you wouldn’t drink it, and you just kinda fell over onto the bed…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

The river here is what I’m worried about.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(humming to himself)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton! Stop it!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Fine, fine, fine.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I need you to take these last three knights… and you’re going to go this way to the river. And you’re gonna make sure our flank is secure. Understood?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I guess.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Today, the Shattering falls.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

How does the Shattering fall, though? I mean, did you tie its shoelaces together? Or was it like kind of tipsy like Darcy is right now? I don’t really understand figuratively how it would fall…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Eggerton…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Take a weapon off the rack.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay. I kind of like the, uh… the big stick.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Very good.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I got the stick… I’m just gonna take the sharp thing off the end and… I’m probably just gonna cut myself with that if I take it out this way.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

And best of luck to you both.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, thank you so very much. Now I’m gonna head back to the kitchen. Can I get anyone anything?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re in a tent. What kitchen are you going to?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no… I was gonna sort of skirt around the back end of the battle and, uh, head back to the Academy where my kitchen is…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re a General now, Eggerton…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh so I AM a general?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You need to go and be general-like. Good luck with that.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

OK… I will generalize outside then won’t I?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, take some knights with you.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

All right, I’m gonna take some knights with me and I’m going to generalize and we’re not gonna go back to the kitchen and cook.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Very good.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fine.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

And then after dinner, you’re all gonna say “Gee, I could go for some dessert. Eggerton, do you have any pie?” And I’ll say no, I had to go generalize out here with all of these knights.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’ll probably be dead, Eggerton. There won’t be any dessert needed.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

That’s kind of dark.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

If you wouldn’t mind… the river on the west flank is your position.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

My position or Darcy’s position?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, wait, whose position was that?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

‘Cos you told her to go to a flank—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Am I the east or the west flank?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

You are both on the west flank.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Take these knights…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Alright wait… I thought I got the rest of the knights. Like she gets these like three and I get the 500 over there, right, because I’m a general and she’s…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

The three! Hold the west flank with the three!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’ve got the map and I’m holding it. This is the west flank?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

No, that is the east flank. This here by the river is the west flank.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

‘Kay, but there’s two rivers.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Step outside with me, please.

SEAN

And she grabs Eggerton…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oorp!

SEAN

…and sort of yanks him outside. And points.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Over there.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yup.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Those trees.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yup.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

That’s by a river.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Hold to that river.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What do you want me to hold to it?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

With these knights…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Go there.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

And don’t let the Shattering through.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Give me the map, Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Fine.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Here.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Now please, if you will…. I have a war to run.

SEAN

And she goes back inside the tent.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, she’s a cranky pants.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

She’s a little hoity toity, I’ll admit. Especially since it’s her sister who screwed everything up, apparently.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(from inside)

I can hear you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… sorry!

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role‐playing game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Marisa King and Carter Siddall.

Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.

Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer.

Game consultant: Stephen Smith.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE

SEAN

Blat is…

MIKE

(helpless laughter)

CARTER

Keep going! This is the whole episode. This is the whole episode.

SEAN

Yeah, I know! It is now.

Laughter.